How is your relationship with FMIL?

[Porridge]

Oh Ally honey I''m so sorry you''re feeling so hopeless. Everything must be really overwhelming at this stage. I hope you know we''re all still here for you. Please try to talk this out with a good therapist who can start showing you the amazing girl that we all see. I recommended cognitive therapy before, and the book "Manage your Mind". It doesn''t matter if the wedding is close, stop, take time for yourself.

It''s easy to stand up and see your self worth when you know how, but not everyone was born or raised with the knowledge of how to do it. It''s like telling someone to just STOP being an addict, or STOP being overweight. If they knew how, of course they would stop.
I''m not comparing you to an overweight gambling alcoholic Ally

I''m just saying sometimes we need to be taught the steps, a new way of looking at things, that we simply didn''t have before.

 

[Lorelei]

Ally, I know you are sometimes around at this time, are you out there sweetheart?

 

[icekid]

HUGS, ally! You know I am here for you..

 

[purselover]

Date: 6/15/2009 9:33:13 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Ally, I realize nothing we say can make you feel better or help, but I wanted to give you a cyber hug. No one deserves to feel so crummy.

ditto, I hope you''re doing okay

 

[fieryred33143]

It makes me really sad and upset that someone so young at the start of what will be a wonderful career can feel like she is helpless and has no future all because of a man and a wedding. There are so many people in this world in worse situations that plow through all the negativity while keeping their chins up and hoping for the best.

I really hope you can take a step back and gain some perspective. Life isn''t over. Your future isn''t hopeless. The key to your happiness is staring you in your face. You just need to be willing to open your eyes.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 6/15/2009 11:17:15 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I can''t say more than I have already (elsewhere), but I do want to ditto Katamari. She was far more eloquent than I am.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So does that mean you talked to her or not?
If so, is she okay?

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

All I can say is that I support any decision Ally makes and if she decides to marry next weekend I will be VERY excited to hear all about it and see all her pics... I hope she doesn't feel like we don't want to hear about all the details... Cause, I, for one, do. I don't even know Ally but I am proud of her! She is such an accomplished young lady! I am not going to lie - I am totally envious that you had the guts and determination to finish medschool, especially after all the hardships that came your way... And a residency in cardiology?!@ Jebus woman - you are pretty much set for life! Even though you are going through a hard time in your life right now I truly believe you will be successful at anything and everything you do, including marriage. You have already proven this to us by all you have accomplished, you just need to believe in yourself. You will see, as soon as you start putting yourself on a pedestal, others around you will as well.

 

[House Cat]

This makes me so sad.

I hope that my comments didn''t hurt you. I wasn''t trying to reinforce the hurtful things said to you Ally. I was hoping to incite some compassion. I''m really sorry if what I had to say had the reverse effect. I''m even more sorry if I hurt you. I would never want to do that. There is only one reason why I know the things I wrote Ally and that is because I''ve been there and I''ve had a therapist explain it all to me. So, there is no judgment coming your way from me, only support.

Speaking of being there...when I was there, everything HE did was wrong Ally, because I wanted him to fill this gaping hole in my chest. I wanted him to heal all of the pain that so many people (mainly my parents) had caused me. (kind of unfair, considering he was not responsible) I leaned on him too hard and his only defense was to tune out. I broke under that anguish and pain. Then I took my broken self to a caring therapist. My going to therapy has helped my relationship a lot. I realized that a lot of our problems did have to do with me and my pain. They also had a lot to do with my expectations of him, etc. When I began taking care of myself, I no longer felt so disappointed in him. He also felt a lot less pressured, and rose up to what a good partner should be. He was able to drop HIS defenses, because I was no longer a source of anguish for him.

Ally, I''ve been thinking of you all night. I think that he wouldn''t be with you for 13 years if there wasn''t deep love between you. And you know what? 13 years is a VERY long time! A lot will happen during that many years!!! No relationship is perfect. I''m sure there have been a lot of let-downs between you two (AND a lot of joy.) I''m sure things might even be magnified because of some of the stuff you described with your family and your upbringing. He''s sure to have issues too. But the two of you are together. You are about to be married. I''m just thinking you wouldn''t have come this far out of convenience or neediness.

If you''re going to walk down the isle, I think now is the time to be focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship and your FI. You need to focus on why you love this man. Maybe you can write these things down as a gentle reminder. You need to muster up all of the good feelings you have so that you may have JOY on your wedding day. This is supposed to be a time of happiness for you.

much love to you...

 

[rainwood]

Ally -

I care very much what happens to you and hope you''re able to find your way towards a satisfying and caring life. Please, please, please step back from all the anguish the wedding is causing, and find the energy and strength within yourself to seek counseling. You have so much to offer and therapy could help put you back on the track toward happiness. No one deserves to be in such pain.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 6/15/2009 10:22:41 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Ally,
I am not alone in caring about you. Sending you a big big HUG!!! Hope you are ok. xx Lisa

Ditto. And please Ally rather than going through with this wedding because it may seem like the easiest thing to do, just think about what is right for YOU. Postponing or cancelling if you are not sure is a lot easier than going trying to undo it after the ceremony so don't be rushed or pressured into going through with it if you are unsure. We were so worried about you just 6 short months ago after the accident, you have been through a HECK of a lot recently so take the time you need to heal both physically and mentally to decide what is best for you.

 

[laine]

Hi Ally--Just thinking about you and hoping you''re doing ok! Please check in, even if its just to say hi.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 6/16/2009 10:49:59 AM
Author: luckystar112

Date: 6/15/2009 11:17:15 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I can''t say more than I have already (elsewhere), but I do want to ditto Katamari. She was far more eloquent than I am.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So does that mean you talked to her or not?
If so, is she okay?

She responded to that message. She has not yet replied to my response. I will let you know.

 

[anchor31]

I just wanted to drop in and say that I am thinking of you. Take care of yourself, sweetheart.

 

[Kaleigh]

Thinking of you tonight dearest Ally. Sending you a huge hug!!!

 

[lili]

Date: 6/16/2009 5:31:16 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Thinking of you tonight dearest Ally. Sending you a huge hug!!!

Ditto!

 

[honey22]

Hey Ally! I am worried about you sweetie, come back and chat if you want, or just let us know you are ok if you don''t want.

Thinking of you sweetie, and we are here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on

 

[princesss]

Thinking about you, hun. I hope you''re out there taking steps to making yourself happy, whatever that means for you.

 

[Porridge]

Hope you''re doing ok Ally. {{{{{Hugs}}}}}

 

[JerseyGrl81]

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you Ally. I hope you are doing okay. You have a tough decision to make, but just know it is your choice to make and everything will work out in the end no matter what you decide. If you are planning on going ahead with the wedding- good luck, you must be getting really excited!

 

[Squirrly]

some more hugs for you

 

[Porridge]

Ally could you please update us and just let us know you are ok? You don''t have to share anything if you don''t want, just a quick post to let us know ok? We''re worried about you.

 

[FrekeChild]

I got an email from Ally this morning. She sounds much better.

 

[Porridge]

Thanks Freke

glad to hear it!

 

[pluck15]

I''m new here, but I followed this post. Yay, I''m glad to hear you are doing better Ally! Whether that means you and FI worked things out or not, we are here to support you no matter what!

 

[mrscushion]

Thanks, Freke.

 

[bensbride]

I''m so glad to hear that Ally is doing well!

 

[allycat0303]

Some of the stuff on this thread really shook me up, because it brought back a lot of ugliness (non wedding or relationship related). I''m sorry it took so long to respond. Talked a lot with Freke, who listens to me bounce stuff off her. Obviously there''s a lot more to the story then what''s here at face value, and a lot more to the relationship IRL. But discussing the stuff that was said with Freke helped me put that in perspective (thanks honey. I will one day start an *Freke appreciation* thread.). I think when you''ve been in a community this long, the things that are said, can really hurt. For many reasons, that are again, impossible to predict unless you know more about my history, which is impossible, because no one is a mind reader.

House Cat: You did not write anything that hurt me, so don''t worry.

Lorelei, Linda, Kaleigh You ladies are angels. I''m sure you''re well aware.

Porridge: I miss seeing that cute dog of yours.

ilovethiswebsite: I can not wait to see your pictures. And M says your dress is GORGEOUS and you''re fiancé''s eyes are going to totally pop out his head (he thinks you made the BEST choice you possibly could. Coming from a guy''s perspective...)

Past week we''ve done nothing but conselling. Intensive. Together. Alone. It''s helping a lot. I think the main conclusion we came to is that we really love each other, and that we''re committed to working it out. we''ve always been committed (that''s what gets you through 13 years, the willingness to say, ''''this is my life partner, and whatever crap comes our way, we have to get through it.'''') She and he are giving us the tools to do it so it''s less *difficult* I think the wedding is probably cancelled. We haven''t touched that. I can only tell you that we have yet to have a rehersal, and I did not go to a second fitting for my dress...so I''m not sure that it''s possible with less then a week to go. We had about 30-40 things on a list which included essentials like a dj, honeymoon etc., and we STOPPED. I think the stress-relief of that alone was good. And we needed to give all of our attention and energy to the relationship. I talked with my mom about turning it into a family reunion type event. She''s not thrilled, but it''s ok. No one has freaked out. They''re all letting me *be indecisive* and there is no pressure. Nothing changes really, because the venue will take the money regardless, and everyone has bought plane tickets. So they''re all coming and having a dinner with music and food. We also came to the conclusion that if we don''t get married now. We are NEVER getting married. Planning this thing once was enough. And honestly, marriage for me is not that important. In Quebec we have the highest rate of cohabitation, so we would actually be following the norm.

As I was talking to Freke, she said,'''' M is completely different then what you say on PS'''' I realized I never write about all the things he does, or is that make me love him, I only talk about the bad stuff. And I only write when I''m angry. The relationship is not perfect, but we''ve weathered a lot of stuff, and I don''t necessarily follow up to say what happened after. I can tell you that it''s ambiguous if he puts me ahead of his family. It''s an issue at his moment. We have also dealt with a lot of other issues, that were successfully resolved, that I don''t post and say, ''''We fixed it'''' He did this and this to fix it. And when I mean resolved. I mean it. It''s not that I''m keeping quiet about it and suffering in silence. It''s because it has completely stopped being a problem. I think that when you''ve been together for so long, and you started off when you were so young, you deal with the person maturing, changing and going through everything. So new stuff is always coming up.

Anyways, we love each other. That''s the one thing we realized after all this. We drive each other crazy, but there''s a lot that keeps us together.

 

[choro72]

ALLY! Welcome back! WHEW. You''re a smart, intelligent lady, and I''m sure that you know what''s best for yourself. I hope I''ll see you more herd!

 

[decodelighted]

Its so good to hear from you, Ally. So many folks on here genuinely care for you & wish the best for you *whatever* you decide & wherever your path leads you. I''m glad people are talking the pressure off you a bit. FORGODSAKE you''ve been through ENOUGH already this year -- decades worth of big stuff.

The most important thing IMHO is your well-being. And, as a couple, both of your well-beings. Married, single, together, apart, in transition, still figuring it out, WHATEVER. No event, no party, no outside people''s opinions is worth sacrificing your core equilibrium.

Thanks for checking in ...

 

[FrekeChild]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS ALLY)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Can you guys still go on your honeymoon--but make it just a trip instead? I think it would be good for you guys just to get OUT for a while and relax together.

(I shall write you a message later. I''m kind of darting in and out to post random things when I have a couple of minutes.)