How is your relationship with FMIL?

[Porridge]

Wow...I''m so angry for you right now. You do not have to put up with any of this. Him supporting you should be his number one job.

 

[packrat]

I''m at work and HAD to sign in after reading this!! Ally Ally Ally I''m so sorry! Your fiance really needs to put his foot down and tell his mother it''s not HER wedding and regardless, she has no business blowing up at his fiance without waiting to get the whole story. Seriously, I can not imagine how horrible it will be for you in the future if things can''t/won''t get straightened out NOW. It won''t go away after marriage, if anything, problems are amplified. Tons of hugs your way!

 

[sba771]

I have been following this. First big hugs. Second, you deserve a partner. I was just talking to my mom about something similar and she said regarding weddings it is better to put one on hold or call it off even the day before if there are any doubts. There is nothing shameful in being happy and doing what is right for you. You need to put yourself first!! Huge hugs and take this time to do what you need to do for yourself and put yourself first!

 

[allycat0303]

brooklyn: He always puts everyone ahead of me. I always thought, 'Oh I can live with that, it doesn't come up that often' But F%?&! Come on. How come everyone gets the benefit of the doubt except for me?? I've always been there for him. feel like I have EARNED the right to be number 1 in his life. And I'm not asking for special treatment. I'm asking that JUST ONCE you put me ahead of someone in your life. I'm not going to sit here and try to convince him that I'm not lying. Sorry. Not doing it. I quoted her word per word and she actually denied it. And if that's the way it is, then he can marry his mother.

Doubts?? I don't know. All I know is that the situation that happened is unacceptable to me. I won't be getting married if this issue remains like this. Forget it. And I don't care how much money is lost. The guests will have to adjust.

packrat: Get back to work!!! I don't want you to get into trouble. I know things are only get worst. I thought that this was all wedding-related, but I'm really starting to wonder if maybe this isn't grief-wedding obsession and just true personality traits coming through.

sba: I agree with you. All I know is that I'm not having a wedding so I can get divorced 2 months later. This needs to be resolved. Immediately.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Ally, you''re absolutely right. If this doesn''t get resolved, it will only get worse. And the worst part will be that anything there is a big decision to make, you will have to involve him AND HIS MOTHER. The way it''s going I see no end.

You know there is a reason why you cannot allow a third party to meddle in your marriage. It''s because the third party doesn''t love spouse A, like they do spouse B, and are cannot have the same compassion for spouse A. They will always be harsh, and spouse A will always feel put out, like a doormat.

You have just saved yourself a lifetime of grief.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 6/10/2009 2:03:41 PM
Author: allycat0303

packrat: Get back to work!!! I don''t want you to get into trouble. I know things are only get worst. I thought that this was all wedding-related, but I''m really starting to wonder if maybe this isn''t grief-wedding obsession and just true personality traits coming through.

This is exactly what is happening. It''s true that weddings bring out the worst in people, but once it comes out, and not addressed, it will always be there to bite you in the a$$. She will not change her behavior simply by virtue of the wedding being over. She now sees that she has control because no one has put her in her place. In her mind it''s appropriate to speak to you the way she does, and she''s not about to stop, since it gets her what she wants.

Unfortunately, your FI won''t change out of the blue either, so you will always have to defend yourself, TO HIM, when his mother feels like mistreating you. I don''t see what you have done to deserve that kind of life.

 

[allycat0303]

Brooklyn: I hear you. I feel like FMIL is definitely a 3rd party in this relationship. And it's obvious, my boyfriend will always side with her. And the WORST part is that this was NEVER an issue before. It's only been with the wedding that she has started to get REALLY, REALLY controlling. I think in the 13 years we've been together, FMIL and I have only had 1 argument. And I'm not ommitting any, 'Oh I'm annoyed.' interactions.

She's never told me what to do. It's just with the wedding, she keeps trying to take control. But, that's a secondary issue at the moment. Honestly, it's hard to deal with now, but it's a wedding. One day. It will pass. I keep hoping that this is a transient strange thing, brought on by stress and lonliness, but I'm REALLY starting to wonder. Maybe I just didn't know her that well before. Yes, she's out of line, but it's my boyfriend's attitude that hurting my feelings. I'm tired of feeling like I can't count on him to back me up. And I'm not going to let my boyfriend sweep this under the rug and *come to a so-so conclusion* where I tell him how I feel and nothing happens to change things.

 

[icekid]

ally- UGH I cannot believe she is still giving you these issues. It is not her wedding. She is not paying. Therefore, she has NO say.... THE END! If you think the reading is too long, then it is.

However, I am pretty annoyed with M for not standing by your side when these issues come up. Getting married means that you ARE number one. It cannot be any other way. He needs to have enough love and respect for you to stand up for you, every time, even when you are wrong (and you are certainly in the right in this case, anyway.)

ARGH!

 

[brooklyngirl]

I guess what I'm getting at about your FMIL, is that your FI is allowing her, and everyone else to walk all over you, and his ways of solving the problem for *himself* is to convince you that it's YOUR fault.

It IS hurtful to have the one person who is supposed to love you the most always doubt you. That's what he's doing when he sides with everyone other than you.

I mean, what would it take for him to side with you? What would the other person have to do wrong? Rob? Maim? Kill?

The way it is now, you are without a partner, always having to fend for yourself. Actually it's even worse, because you have to defend yourself to FI as well. What is the point?

You say that your FMIL is a secondary issue, and I guess it is. But, it directly stems from the primary issue which is your FI. If he would stand up for you, there would be NO issue with FMIL.

ETA This is why certain people in your lives (his mother, his best friend, his best friend's gf) feel that they can disrespect you. At every turn he is showing them that you come last in his life, and it's ok to treat you poorly. It's utterly disrespectful.

 

[princesss]

Ally, I honestly wish I could say I didn''t believe he was taking her side over yours on this, but unfortunately it doesn''t surprise me. He puts his mother ahead of you, his friends, his friend''s shady girlfriend that''s trying to sleep with him, everybody ahead of you. My BF (and this is a BF, not a FI, not a DH) would honestly throw down with my own parents to protect/defend me. When you are hurt, his first instinct should be to comfort you and make you feel better.

I''m honestly outraged for you. This is the person you are trying to spend the rest of your life with, and he won''t listen to you about a reading in a church? Instead it has to be your fault???? WHAT THE HECK??!?!?!?!?!! You are a smart lady, Ally. You''re smart (you''re going to be a cardiac surgeon, for Pete''s sake!). You''re beautiful. You''re funny. You''re incredibly loyal. You''re a total catch, and your FI is NOT stepping up to the plate to be an equal partner.

I''m

right now.

Honey, if you have to call it off, do it. If you don''t feel like you''re getting respect now, I can''t imagine it will ever get better. If you get it worked out, great, but don''t be afraid to walk away. We''ll be here for you.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 6/10/2009 2:03:41 PM
Author: allycat0303
brooklyn: He always puts everyone ahead of me. I always thought, ''Oh I can live with that, it doesn''t come up that often'' But F%?&! Come on. How come everyone gets the benefit of the doubt except for me?? I''ve always been there for him. feel like I have EARNED the right to be number 1 in his life. And I''m not asking for special treatment. I''m asking that JUST ONCE you put me ahead of someone in your life. I''m not going to sit here and try to convince him that I''m not lying. Sorry. Not doing it. I quoted her word per word and she actually denied it. And if that''s the way it is, then he can marry his mother

Good grief. When you marry your Husband or Wife should come before EVERYONE else!! Oh Ally....(((((((((hugs)))))))))

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 6/10/2009 2:36:20 PM
Author: princesss
Ally, I honestly wish I could say I didn''t believe he was taking her side over yours on this, but unfortunately it doesn''t surprise me. He puts his mother ahead of you, his friends, his friend''s shady girlfriend that''s trying to sleep with him, everybody ahead of you. My BF (and this is a BF, not a FI, not a DH) would honestly throw down with my own parents to protect/defend me. When you are hurt, his first instinct should be to comfort you and make you feel better.

I''m honestly outraged for you. This is the person you are trying to spend the rest of your life with, and he won''t listen to you about a reading in a church? Instead it has to be your fault???? WHAT THE HECK??!?!?!?!?!! You are a smart lady, Ally. You''re smart (you''re going to be a cardiac surgeon, for Pete''s sake!). You''re beautiful. You''re funny. You''re incredibly loyal. You''re a total catch, and your FI is NOT stepping up to the plate to be an equal partner.

I''m

right now.

Honey, if you have to call it off, do it. If you don''t feel like you''re getting respect now, I can''t imagine it will ever get better. If you get it worked out, great, but don''t be afraid to walk away. We''ll be here for you.

Huge bloody ditto!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[allycat0303]

I never thought it would go away with the marriage. I thought, I could *live with it* knowing that he would always side with x-y-z. It's not a new thing. It's a running theme in our relationship. I think I justify it a lot, by saying, 'well maybe I was too difficult, maybe I was wrong, maybe I'm being a B%?/$', but I can't ALWAYS be wrong. It gets kind of fishy when every single conflict you've had with ANYONE in his life ends with, 'It's your fault Ally' or 'You're exaggerating', 'or the person doesn't know better, you're interpreting wrong.'

I cancelled the rehersal and rehersal dinner. Such a relief that I don`t have to talk to the priest tonight. The tension would have been unbearable. I left a message with his secretary saying there were *family issues* I feel bad having lied to a priest by proxy, but at least that's done.

Lorelei: I agree with you completely. And I feel exactly the same way in regards to this

Princess: I know you gals will be there fore me regardless. Many of the members of the forum were there during the most HORRIBLE times. I appreciate you all so much.

 

[princesss]

Smart move, Ally.

*hug*

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 6/10/2009 3:24:33 PM
Author: princesss
Smart move, Ally.

*hug*

Ditto. It will be ok sweetheart.

 

[icekid]

Date: 6/10/2009 3:09:32 PM
Author: allycat0303
I never thought it would go away with the marriage. I thought, I could *live with it* knowing that he would always side with x-y-z. It''s not a new thing. It''s a running theme in our relationship. I think I justify it a lot, by saying, ''well maybe I was too difficult, maybe I was wrong, maybe I''m being a B%?/$'', but I can''t ALWAYS be wrong. It gets kind of fishy when every single conflict you''ve had with ANYONE in his life ends with, ''It''s your fault Ally'' or ''You''re exaggerating'', ''or the person doesn''t know better, you''re interpreting wrong.''

ally- I''m so glad you realize you need to stop taking the blame here. Honestly, my hub would believe me before all others! Even if I was lying

Being married is about being a team. This should not be ally against the world. You know I think you are an absolute doll and you deserve so much better than someone who does not want to see what is going on here. We''ll be here for you, whatever you decide.

HUGS.....

 

[allycat0303]

My fiance texts me, "Now my mom is crying, Thanks a lot" Blame much??. After weeks of telling me how it''s going be, she yells at me, lies about it, and now SHE is crying? And I have my fiance that''s blaming me (probably because I cancelled the rehersal, and making his mom cry

). I am the big EVIL in this story. I should obviously be flogged for being such an unreasonable witch. I am not angry anymore. I am not even upset. I am completely digusted. I feel like they are both trying to manipulate/guilt me into doing what they want.

 

[princesss]

Date: 6/10/2009 4:56:10 PM
Author: allycat0303
My fiance texts me, ''Now my mom is crying, Thanks a lot'' Blame much??. After weeks of telling me how it''s going be, she yells at me, lies about it, and now SHE is crying? And I have my fiance that''s blaming me (probably because I cancelled the rehersal, and making his mom cry

). I am the big EVIL in this story. I should obviously be flogged for being such an unreasonable witch. I am not angry anymore. I am not even upset. I am completely digusted. I feel like they are both trying to manipulate/guilt me into doing what they want.

Ding ding ding ding ding!

Where was his outrage when YOU were in tears because of the fiasco his mother was causing?

 

[brooklyngirl]

OMFG Ally, are you KIDDING ME? Seriously? She''s crying, big friggin deal? Once she learns to keep her mouth shut she won''t be crying. What manipulative b****.

And your FI. I have no words. I really don''t like advising people to call off their weddings, but in this case. Let him know the dinner is off, wedding is off, and either he or you can get your stuff and GTFO.

 

[Barcelona]

Wow, I''m sorry you are going through this. I remember your thread about the girl wearing the wedding dress.

I think you are a very wise woman to step back and reevaluate your relationship even this close to the wedding. Trust me, it''s much easier than divorce!

 

[sunnyd]

Oh my gosh Ally, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

It feels weird saying this because I don't 'know' you, but I'm glad you're realizing how wrong his behavior is now, and not later, if you know what I mean...

ETA: Fat ditto to Brooklyn and princesss.

 

[JSM]

I''m so sorry Ally, you shouldn''t have to deal with this!

My husband is the furthest thing you can get from perfect. But he puts me #1, every time, no questions asked, and I do the same for him. That is the most important thing (IMO) in a marriage. If you don''t have the support of your husband, who can you rely on?

You are an amazing person! You are intelligent and reasonable, generous and loving. If he can''t see that, don''t marry him until he does.

 

[Squirrly]

Ally i''m so sorry all this drama is happening in what should''ve been the happiest time of your life! do what you have to, you deserve to be respected.
my boy is his momma''s pride and joy and i was worried about this originally, but when i went to visit (they live in the mountains, i do not, and she is an RN) and she kept asking him if i''d been drinking water he told her, while holding me, that i was having a beer and it''s fine and ended it for me, although later in private he explained it''s just how she is, she''s a mother and a nurse and that he wanted me to be healthy too.
there is no excuse for you coming in second, even if he disagrees he should still stand up for you in public and to others, that''s what any good friend would do, not just what your FI should be doing.

grr. i''m going off to find a nice friendly 2x4 named common sense and introduce it to someone.

 

[cocolaw]

Date: 6/10/2009 4:56:10 PM
Author: allycat0303
My fiance texts me, ''Now my mom is crying, Thanks a lot'' Blame much??. After weeks of telling me how it''s going be, she yells at me, lies about it, and now SHE is crying? And I have my fiance that''s blaming me (probably because I cancelled the rehersal, and making his mom cry

). I am the big EVIL in this story. I should obviously be flogged for being such an unreasonable witch. I am not angry anymore. I am not even upset. I am completely digusted. I feel like they are both trying to manipulate/guilt me into doing what they want.

WOW!!! I am so upset for you. I didn''t read all of the posts so I might be missing something, so forgive me if I am. Have you had a talk with your fiance laying down guidelines, explaining that once you are married you will be NUMBER 1 and he has to be on your side, no matter whom the conflict involves?

Obviously your fmil is a b***h and she is manipulative. She knows exactly how to get what she wants from her son. She might even be trying to pull you apart. Mothers can be sneaky-if she knows that this type of situation will really stress your relationship with your fiance and upset him, then she is probably making some of these requests just for that reason.

Unless you think your fiance won''t change, do not give up on him because that is exactly what it sounds like she is trying to make you do.

 

[Bliss]

Ally, I'm so sorry. FMIL is willing to ruin her son's happiness for spite? How selfish is she??? I can't believe it. I can't imagine the distress you must be in right now. My heart hurts for you. In other ways, you may be escaping a future far more controlling. I know some FMILs to ruin MARRIAGES once grandkids get put into the mix. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. I'm glad you're taking a stand... but also so very sorry about the circumstances. If your fiance isn't willing to put you first, he doesn't deserve to marry you.

The vows are: those whom God hath joined together let no man put asunder. That means you won't let anything or anyone come between you both or threaten your union. If FMIL is so pious, shouldn't she know better? She's lying, causing strife and clearly racist. I mean, doesn't God preach love? What church does she belong to? The Church of Satan? That would explain her insistence that you wear a black ribbon around your wedding gown! Does she also have horns sticking out of her hair? Look carefully because she might have shaved them down. Look for the little horns next time you see her! She probably wears boots a lot to hide her cloven hooves. And look for a bump in her rear where she might have duct taped her tail down so that it wouldn't poke through her skirt.

Is her name Beelzebub or something??? She might go by the name, "Bea" like Beatrice but it might be BEE for Beelzebub!!!!

 

[Porridge]

Ugh. She is a manipulative wench. And yeah, big ditto to whoever said where was his outrage when you were crying??

They both need to shape up. Immediately. Or I would walk. Good call cancelling the rehearsal. It can''t be easy. {HUGS}

 

[Lanie]

I''m going to go back and re-read this thread, bc I missed a couple of crucial posts it seems.

It also says in the Bible that a man will leave his mother and father to be joined with his wife.

Everyone is saying very important things to you Ally, and you need to listen to these bells, red flags, whatever you want to call it. Big hugs from Texas...I really feel for you.

 

[allycat0303]

I find it intresting that everyone immediately caught onto the manipulation part of this whole thing. Her FSIL has said in the past that her mother was very manipulative. I actually have never seen it before, but now I do. In spades. I guess it comes from never standing and saying, "This is what I want." she has developed ways around it. It's stunning to me that my boyfriend doesn't see it AT ALL, and yet all of us picked up on it immediately.

I am definitely in tune with the fact that there was absolutely NO OUTRAGE when I was upset over her ridiculous tirade about all of the *concessions she's made* (SARCASM). Instead it was, "Why didn't you explain/present it to her properly" Uhmm...ok.

Lanie: It's funny that you mention that passage. I read it this morning when I was picking out the readings for the ceremony, and it gave me a pause. Just because this planning process has really brought out the worst in FMIL. And I asked myself the question, "Hmm...where does my boyfriend stand on this topic" I also wonder if FIL hadn't passed away if the dynamic would have shifted like this. The situation is SO out of control, and I can't remember it being like this before. I don't know WHAT to do. I don't even want to think about the future right now.

Brooklyn: she's crying big friggin deal. Yup. Poor. WRONGED HER. No compassion here lady, I'm fresh out. And I know you don't advise to call off weddings easily, GTFO (funny that I actually got that, because I usually don't.) I'm going to go home to my parents house, sleep and not think about this tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll care enough about this to talk to my boyfriend, because tonight I don't want to have anything to do with either of them.

cocolaw: Yes, I've talked. I've talked and it's like talking to a tree. I haven't seen any progress at all. It's one of those things which we never come to a full resolution. I even talked about it in the pre-cana classes. And wrote it down. And discussed it. Previously, it was not a deal breaker for me. It was hurtful, annoying etc., but not a dealbreaker. I'm rethinking that now.

SunnyD: You know more about my life then most of my friends do. That's the beauty of an anonymous forum.

jsm You're very lucky to have that in a husband. I really wish that I could say my boyfriend was like that.

squirrly: 2X4 called common sense? I'm going to steal your saying.

barcelona: If that wasn't a sign of things to come, I don't know what was.

 

[FrekeChild]

He doesn''t deserve you.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Unforutnatley, some ladies here have had to deal with manipulative b****s of MILs, so we see through much of the antics.

If I didn''t know you and FI''s history, I would likely say that he doesn''t understand because he''s hasn''t had to deal with it before. However, knowing the history, I don''t think he cares that she''s manipulating him. He''s just taking her side because that''s what he always does, with anyone BUT you.

Someone also mentioned that she might be doing this on purpose to split you and FI. Well if that''s the case, it''s even worse, because if you end up marrying your FI, he''ll have to cut all contact with her, as she''s mindfully trying to destroy your family.

Either way the key here is your FI. If he can''t do the right thing, then he doesn''t deserve to be anywhere near you.