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how did you onw you were "done" having kids?

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upgrading mama

Brilliant_Rock
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Aug 28, 2005
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Hey everyone.

I am 27 and We currently have 2 young boys, 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 and I have been contemplating having a 3rd. I have always wanted 3 kids and so did hubby, bit now he thinks it''s 2.

I am just wondering how everyone knew their family was complete. For example, when I watch my boys play, I think to myself how good it would be to have one more playmate, male or female.

I keep getting stuck thinking about all of the ''things'' that we would need, a new car, and hubby would probably lose his office to a baby room (again, lol).....

anyway, I am very interested in a discussion here. thanks all!

Sophie
 

eks6426

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
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I don''t know if you can tell that you''re done having kids until it''s too late. When you have the last one and realize, "Oops, I really love little Joey, but life would have been easier if we just had Susie and Bob..."

I also think that "perfect family size" can change through the years. When they''re little and you watch them playing, it''s so cute and "perfect." In a few years when they are each in different school activities and you''re trying to figure out how to get them all to different places at the same time you start to think maybe fewer kids would have been better. Then when they''re teens and driving you crazy....NO kids starts to sound pretty good. But then when they''re adults and give you grandkids...maybe you should have even had that 3rd, 4th etc. kid yourself. It''s always changing.
 

Girlrocks

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 19, 2006
Messages
575
I have 3 kids and want to try for #4, so I can''t tell you how you know when you''re done, I can only tell you that I know for sure I''m not done. My SIL is pregnant with #5 and she says she knows this will be the last...probably for financial and logistical reasons. I''m not desperate to have a fourth, like with my third, I was definitely ready and was really trying. But for this, if it happens I''d be really happy, but if not, I''d also be happy with 3. I''m 35 so I''m a little bit older than you. If I were you at your young age, I would go for it. Good Luck!
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jun 17, 2005
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It is so personal and not always a clear cut answer. I had two boys, and always pictured myself with a daughter so I wanted to have a third. My second son had colic and severe refluux, so the first 6 months had been tough, and I did not LOVE being pregnant, but yet I still felt somehow I was meant to have one more. My hubby needed a bit more convincing. He felt two was wonderful, he and I both only had one sibling, so he felt two was great. I finally convinced him to have one more. My older two were 6 and 9 when I had my third. He is now 5. At first, after my amnio results, I was sad to find out I would not be having the daughter I always thought I would. But he is such a joy to all of us, his two big brothers adore him and he is the most precious thing, and of course hubby is so enamored of him....having a third when we were in our 30''s, knowing it would be our last (I had to promise no more even if I did not have a girl)...he is so in love with this little guy, and treasures and appreciates things differently than he did with our first two, when you sort of feel you have all the time in the world. Now, my hubby hears Cat''s in the Cradle on the radio and starts to cry...he realizes, looking at our youngest, and with our oldest finishing middle school in June and going into high school, that time goes by in a blink. So we have no regrets, but had we only had two and not know him, I guess it would have been fine too.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
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Jun 15, 2006
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I am not yet a parent, and we have not decided as a couple that we ever will be (it is more likely than not, but a discussion to be had in about a year after we have better settled into marriage). This subject is an interesting one as everything thinks the know best. For example, my mom has informed both my sister, who has one son, and myself that no child should ever be an only-child. I totally and completely disagree.

I think that there are some basic things that should be considered when choosing to have kids (1st, 2nd, 4th, or 10th):

1. Are we BOTH emotionally willing and ready to wholly love and give to a(nother) child. (We have a rule that if one of us says "no" the answer will remain no as neither of us would want to bring a child into the world who wasn't going to recieve the best of both of us. I know people say "but once you have him/her it will be totally different", but I disagree as I have seen it first hand (go to any fast food restaurant or grocery store on a weekday afternoon and watch the mom's in action, it's quite an eye opening experience) and you can read about it in the newspaper all too often.)

2. Are we financially stable enough to provide for a(nother) child without affecting our lifestyle in a way that would be intolerable to us as a couple and/or family and without doing any harm to our future (retirement!), and that of our present children (college funds, etc.) if there are any.

3. Have we thought through all of the short and long term affects of having a(nother) child and are we willing to happily make the sacrifices involved with that (e.g. a SAHM's return to work being delayed, bigger household expenses, the potential long term need for moving as there isn't enough spacc in the current house, etc.).

There's my .02 on the subject. I think way too many people choose to have children for all the wrong reasons and are ill-equipped to raise them; I applaud you for thinking your decision through instead of making a rash decision.

ETA: "in" to the word tolerable and "and" so that # 2 actually made sense.
 

asscherisme

Ideal_Rock
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Mar 6, 2006
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Hi,
I have 4 kids. I had my first at 27 and my 4th at 34.

My family is definately complete and my husband agrees too.

How did I know my family was done? VERY easy for me.

I knew I was not done having kids yet when I would see a pregnant woman and feel that tinge inside me that told me, How wonderful, to be pregnant, how wonderful that is to be pregnant.

I knew I was DONE having kids when I started seeing pregnant women in a very different way. After my 4th child I see pregnant women and I think, been there, done that. AT this point a pregnant woman makes me think, better her than me LOL.

I am VERY happy with the size of my family. For DH and me, 4 kids is perfect. I have more kids than any of my friends. My friends have 1 or 2 kids. They all think I'm nuts for having 4 kids. But to each their own :)

edited to add, I think its super important to be able to provide for the chidren emotionally and financially. Each of our kids was wanted and loved from day one. My kids are also in a very stable loving home and we will send all 4 to college. My husband actually just turned down a job somewhere that I would rather live than where I currently am because it was not in our children's best interest financially and the move would have been tough on all of us. A huge question to ask is can you give the children what they want. For me, yes I am able to for all 4 of my kids. For some, 2 is too many. Its really a personal decision.
 

Ellen

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jan 13, 2006
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24,426
Date: 1/5/2007 11:09:38 AM
Author: diamondfan
It is so personal and not always a clear cut answer. I had two boys, and always pictured myself with a daughter so I wanted to have a third. My second son had colic and severe refluux, so the first 6 months had been tough, and I did not LOVE being pregnant, but yet I still felt somehow I was meant to have one more. My hubby needed a bit more convincing. He felt two was wonderful, he and I both only had one sibling, so he felt two was great. I finally convinced him to have one more. My older two were 6 and 9 when I had my third. He is now 5. At first, after my amnio results, I was sad to find out I would not be having the daughter I always thought I would. But he is such a joy to all of us, his two big brothers adore him and he is the most precious thing, and of course hubby is so enamored of him....having a third when we were in our 30's, knowing it would be our last (I had to promise no more even if I did not have a girl)...he is so in love with this little guy, and treasures and appreciates things differently than he did with our first two, when you sort of feel you have all the time in the world. Now, my hubby hears Cat's in the Cradle on the radio and starts to cry...he realizes, looking at our youngest, and with our oldest finishing middle school in June and going into high school, that time goes by in a blink. So we have no regrets, but had we only had two and not know him, I guess it would have been fine too.
There are things in here I SO can relate too!

We had 2 boys, 4 and 2. I wanted a girl desperately. Hubby was done. I kept approaching it, and finally he looked at me and said, If you really want to try again we can, but you have to realize we could have another boy. *gasp* lol The thought hadn't occured to me, in all my dreaming of a little girl....Don't get me wrong, I adored my boys, but, well, they were boys. If you have one (or more), you know what I mean.


So, after contemplating what I already had, x 3, I decided we were done, because of course there was a chance we'd have a boy. So, I put the notion out of my head and we were done.

Three years later, I got pregnant on my 30th birthday. Personally, I blame the last shot of Jagermeister my girlfriend INSIST I do.


At any rate, I didn't find out what I was having, and we went on to have, another boy. But he too is SUCH a joy, and we can't imagine NOT having him. He was however, the moment when we both said, done!
( And did something about it!)
 

sevens one

Ideal_Rock
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Apr 14, 2004
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9,537
After having Angello I knew I was done.
If he had been the first I would have been done.


it was just so difficult. I didn''t want to risk that
whole scene again. We have been so fortunate that things turned
out the way they did.

It is a very personal choice. I really think you "know" when
you''re done.

My girlfriend (who has 5 boys) and I laugh when someone new gets pregnant;
"awww the poor thing"

Same thing with us; the "been there done that" feeling.

She and I have "made sure" we are finished!!!

 

Allisonfaye

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2004
Messages
1,455
I was 40 when I had my first daughter. I considered myself the luckiest person alive to have her because I had convinced myself I would never have children due to starting so late. So when she was about 10 months old, DH and I knew we had to decide one way or the other whether to go for another. We both wanted to. We conceived our second the first month that we tried. I call Olivia my bonus baby. But I had her at 42 and hearing all the scary statistics about what can go wrong, having had three amnios during my two pregnancies and all the stress and worry made us agree that two was enough. Also, since my two are 20 months apart, if I had a third, I would have them so close together assuming that I could even conceive again (which I probably could), that it would make our lives really hard. Having two so close in age has been hard. Also, we agreed that if I had to have a second c-section, I would have my tubes tied. I did.

Here is my advice to you. You are very young to make a decision NOT to have another child. But your children are pretty close in age. You probably want them all close in age but you don''t HAVE to have them that close and it would probably be really hard on you if you did. Don''t decide now. Give yourself more time to decide and if you do decide that you want to, give your hubby more time to want another baby. Maybe even keep it to yourself to let him decide on his own. I think it is not good for a marriage if one partner talks the other into having a child.
 

Christa

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2006
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I can''t tell you how you know, but I can tell you that I used to worry a little that I''d never lose that feeling of wanting another baby, and I did.
We thought we''d have 4, and then when we lost our 4th at 7 months pg (it''s a sad story, but almost six years later it''s not an open wound any more) neither of us felt the need to try again. It had to do partly with the spacing--it would have put our 2 youngest more than 4 years apart, which was more than we wanted. There''s something, too, about getting to the point where everyone can eat and potty by themselves that makes it hard to start over.
I like to see and hold and smell babies, but I feel zero desire to have another of my own.

I have to say that talking your husband into having another if he doesn''t want to is probably a bad idea, but shutting off the possibility permanently at your age probably is, too. My advice (easier said than done!) is to focus on enjoying the ones you have, instead of on what you wish you had.

And if it helps at all, I grew up in a family of 3 kids and I have 3, and 3 is kind of a bad number. It tends to be two of them ganging up on the 3rd, just like it was when I was growing up. Grr!
 

diamondfan

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Ellen, a kindred soul!

I love my boys, they are so handsome and bright and talented and I would not trade them for the world. But I am a totally girly girl, no brothers growing up, into makeup and clothes and frilly things, knew nothing of sports really...though my dad did drag me to UCLA basketball games in desperation for company...so boys were alien and a bit scary to me. When I found out I was having another boy I can admit now I was miserable. I would bawl at commecials with the little girl going to ballet calss with the mom...I was a mess, my dh was worried I was falling apart. And people would see me with my sons and obvious pregnant tummy and say, Bet you pray it is a girl...I was PISSED. My oldest was nearly 9 and old enough to get the gist, and asked me time and again was there something wrong with boys...I could cry thinking about it. And, my sons are really great, they are certainly all boy but they are not so wild, they all love music and reading as well as physical stuff...(when I was SURE it was a girl, I dreamt of a daughter and had TOTALLY different cravings, and had nine months of ALL day sickness alleviated only by delivery)...

I also agree with the notion that I knew I was done when I would think about being pregnant and be thrilled I was not...and that holding a new born, while lovely, did not make me yearn for a baby...then I knew I felt right about the family and how many were in it. And my hubby is frankly tickled to have three sons, his dad and mine were from three boy no girl families, so it is funny...and honestly, dh would be soooo overprotective of girl I think I would feel sorry for her! I would have to totally sneak around him since he would be way to strict with a daughter...
 

upgrading mama

Brilliant_Rock
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Hi all,
I wrote a reply, not sure where it went so I will try again...lol

Alot of people say that going from 2-3 is a big jump bc then you and hubby are outnumbered. lol. I say, learn to be a better multi-tasker, hehee.

Seriously, though. Since our boys are young, my hubby says how nice it is when we are out somewhere to be able to focus on 1 kid each so they don''t run off, but I always try to say how they won''t stay that young forever and need that type of parenting.

Of course I have some realllllly long days where I am just like, God help me just to get by this, and am like, no way do I want another one.. but there are far more times when I do than when I don''t. I guess also bc I got pregnant both times so unexpectedly, that I feel cheated to be done at 27. I want to know what it is like to be ''planning'' to get pregnant! hahaa

In some ways I would like a boy and in others, a girl. Really, I think I am more caught with having a 3rd than just the gender. There is just something about 2 kids that seems sad to me....I don''t know, like there is something missing.


Hubby is the middle of 3 boys, and I am youngest of 3 w/2 older bros.

No permanent decisions have been made or will be made for a few years at least. We have been married 3 1/2 yrs and have managed to get prego twice while using multiple birth control options!! crazy....


So for those with 3, what kind of cars do you drive/? any options beside mini vans??



thank you all for the commentary, so interesting to read with all of us at such different points in parenthood (or not-yet-parenthood too!)
keep it coming
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Sophie, I drive an Land Rover LR3 HSE that holds seven. I like it alot, all five in my family can fit with lots of trunk room for the dog, or I can carpool well,

Christa, I am sorry about your loss. My step sis had to deliver a fetus that was severly deformed and would have died at birth when she was over 6 months pregnant. It was horrendous. This was at least ten years ago, maybe even closer to 20, I am not sure if it was before or after my niece who is almost 18...and it is still sad to her, though she is certainly fine now. Losing a baby or an early pregnancy is tough no matter what...
 

snowflakeluvr

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just want to say that if you really "think" you might want a third, and at your young age, leave the option there to have another child if you so desire. our children are 18,16,11 and 3 and 1....we are DONE. we are old(43 and 44) we were very blessed to have five uncomplicated pregnancies and five wonderfully healthy babies. having these last two in my forties was a little harder. it''s definitely harder now because it''s impossible to schedule the young ''uns with all of the activities of our older children. that said,-our two little ones are absolute JOY and the older kids always say how boring our lives would be without them! being parents is the BEST. i still think we could have managed six sometimes, but we are done. your decision will be your own-you have years to decide. enjoy your children(at any age). they are wonderful companions and friends. mine have made me very fulfilled and proud
there isn''t one i''d send back!
 

diamondfan

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Snow, five kids, I am impressed, with such a span. Even my span complicates things, unless hubby and I divide up, the older two are so much older and have such different interests it is hard to accomodate all of them.

Sophie, you realistically have a while before it is problematic, you could wait three four or five years easily, maybe longer, so do not stress now. You will know, hopefully, either way, what path to take. Enjoy your babies now. While some people like to be in baby mode and have all their kids closer, and there are nice elements to that approach, it is also really great to have a spread, so you can focus on your two little ones now, and not add a newborn to the mix, SInce you are so young, it is not like you will be in such a different place to wait a bit longer, and your two will likely love a sibling when they are a bit older. It just makes it nice, and yes, it is tough to get back into the night feedings and car seats etc, when you are done with that stage, but it is not impossible...
 

KristyDarling

Ideal_Rock
Premium
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I think you're done when you no longer have thoughts like: "I feel like our family is missing someone. There's an empty space in this household that is yearning to be filled." I had those thoughts after my first child was born (well, AFTER he got over the god-awful colic), but not after my second came. When my second baby was also colicky (and 100x worse than the first!), I knew it'd be a VERY tough proposition to think about having a third. Hehe. Also, living in San Francisco, the cost of having a big family is a serious deterrent to 99% of the population here. If I weren't so pessimistic about the public schools here, I *might* for just a millisecond think about trying for a third child, but: A) we don't have nearly enough moolah to send THREE kids thru private school, and B) I just KNOW I'd have an even colickier third child!!


But sometimes I wonder to myself -- will I regret this 20 years from now? That I didn't give my 2 kids another sibling? Will I kick myself for letting my desire to avoid all the cost and "hassle" of raising another baby overrule the wonderfulness of a third child??? Well, yes, I might. But then again, I might not. So in my case, I can never be 100% sure what the real, true "right" answer is. But not knowing for sure is okay with me. For you right now, I don't think that you should be worrying too much about "well, what is the RIGHT decision here?" If there's ANY doubt about having a 3rd child, hold off. Wait until there is no longer any doubt about the need for a 3rd child, until you and your DH are on the same page, and then go for it. At your young age and with that extreme fertility, you have plenty of time!!! :)

Right now, we're more than happy with our 2 kids (aged 3 1/2 and 2).....and the luxury of sleeping AAAALLLL the way through at night (unless someone gets sick, knock on wood). Since I've dealt with fertility problems, I'm acutely aware of how lucky I am to have not one, but TWO kids.....something I never thought was possible 4 years ago. All in all, I think our family is pretty complete.
 

Ellen

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diamondfan, this is so funny/weird comparing notes! I too had a different pregnancy than the other two. I didn''t really have morning/day sickness, but every time I ate I felt awful. I ended up only gaining 17 lbs. I was convinced it was a girl, even though I tried to tell myself it could be a fluke (which it was!) My dad wanted a girl so badly, that when he called me right after delivering, he couldn''t even talk. lol That did NOT help.

I was most happy my little guy was healthy, but I''d be lying if I said I wasn''t dissapointed, and I''m sure it showed. The nurses would tell me how pretty he was and that they wanted to take him home, and I know I was less than enthusiastic. Even my pediatrician said he was one of the prettiest babies she''s ever seen. And all I could think was, yes HE is. lol And he really was, I have to admit. I''m convinced God made him so to prepare me for what lay ahead.

Aside from having colic, time went on to tell he had been born with Gastrointestinal allergies. In other words, every single thing he ate gave him a verrry upset tummy. I literally held that child for the first 9 months, even having to sleep by putting him on my tummy, and tightly wrapping a blanket around both of us and tucking them under the couch pillows. He didn''t totally grow out of it until he was almost 5. As sevens said, if he''d been the first, he would have been the last. lol But, he was SO adorable when he wasn''t crying, and so pitiful when he was, and with allll the bonding we did, how could I not want/love him? I often wonder if he and I are as close as we are because of our beginning together, or he''s just a different kid, I''ll never know. And he has asked many times, you wanted a girl, didn''t you? and I tell him the truth, at the time, yes, but I wouldn''t trade him now for all the girls in the world. And I wouldn''t.




There is something to having only two, as someone above mentioned, in that there''s a pair of eyes (and ears) for each. There IS something nice about that. I came from 3, and one (usually, but not always the middle one) seems to get lost in the shuffle. Certainly not intentionally, but it happens. And the older the 2nd one is by the time the 3rd one comes along, there can be some resentment/jealousy. Understandably, they have been the "baby" for so long and then one day, they''re not! Interestingly, I came 8 years after my sister, who was the second child and much closer in age to my older brother. She was totally pissed about me, and took it out on me. It was years before she finally got over it. When I had my last one, my middle one was 5, and he too was somewhat upset, but instead of taking it out on the baby, he took it out on me, which I''d rather anyway.


As for what car we drove, what else? A station wagon. lol


sophie, I laughed at this quote of yours:

"Alot of people say that going from 2-3 is a big jump bc then you and hubby are outnumbered. lol. I say, learn to be a better multi-tasker, hehee."

Go ahead, have 3 and see.




Also, a hint for not losing a lengthy post, once you''re done typing it, highlight and copy it, that way if you lose it, you can just paste it and submit again. I learned to do this after losing MANY long posts.
 

diamondfan

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11,016
Ellen, my second was my toughie for about 6 months. Then he was great, he is 11 1/2 now and sweeter than can be. But I would not have been excited to have a second one quickly if he had been my first, it nearly killed me. Up ALL night with a projectile vomiter, then up all day with a three year old who was unhappy to have a new baby at home. I looked like the walking dead, so thin, dark circles under my eyes...I would come home in the afternoon from pre school with my oldest and go lay on my bed and fall asleep fully clothed with all the lights on...exhausted is not the word.

I dreamt of girls and just assumed I would have ONE be a girl, and hubby would say, what if you have one and she is not a girly girl and does not want to shop and have manicures or she is not your best friend...I was envisioning this perfect mother daughter bond...and I had to let go. No one in my family cared either way but I was devasted when I got the amnio results that I could literally not talk about it at all. My husband thought he would have to medicate me since I would cry all the time.

When he was born, I fell in love with him and I would cry with guilt about how I had felt while pregnant, what if I had emitted bad hormones while I was so unhappy and in utero he was flooded with negative stuff? I was so worried. And the funny thing is my hubby says I favor and spoil him too much...but he is the youngest by a lot and my last. My 14 year old loves him so much but says. Mom, boy you are spoiling him! And I tell him it is nothing I did not do with YOU...how quickly they forget!
 

february2003bride

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Jan 18, 2005
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3,545
Sophie-

I seriously contemplate this question every singe day! Except for me it''s, do we have a 4th or not? I even posted about it here on Pricescope several months back.

My neighbor and I (whom is having the 4th baby question as well) both agree that for most women, it''s a bittersweet decision to not have anymore kids. I could have a 4th and since I love being pregnant, love having children, love being a mom and a family with my husband, that I would find myself sad and wondering if we should have a 5th...so it''s a never ending cycle


But my DH is adament that we''re done and I''ve started to realize I am too. I''m young -29- (well, I don''t feel young, lol) and the women in my family have ALL had kids in their late 30''s, early 40''s, so I know I have many reproductive years left and a "surprise" baby could happen.

Anyway, the older my baby gets (he''s 15 months) the more of a handful he becomes, the older my daughter gets (she''s 10) the more school and afterschool responsibilites she gets (that are also my responsibility, lol), the older my 3 year old gets the more adorable he becomes and he''ll start pre-school and soccer soon, then school... *sniff*

Basically- we''re really really busy! And I don''t want us to be in a financial position where we can''t afford our childrens daily needs (clothes, school supplies, etc) or scrimp because we''ve decided to have another child. Plus, right now each child has his/her own bedrooms and we don''t want the kids to bunk together nor do we want to move.

Also, I''m looking forward to the day I can walk down my stairs without having to go through 2 gates to get there, to vacuum without breaking a nail taking an outlet cover off, plus I hate the first 2 years of vaccines (I take it harder than they do!), worrying about SIDS, etc.

Before my 3rd was born I thought the same thing you did; how great it would be for my older two to have another sibling. Honestly? It is! I love being a family of 5, and the three kids are just the right amount of chaos, lol. My DH says that when you go from two kids to three, you go from man to man defense to zone defense (or something like that). And it''s true, lol. If in your heart you have room for a third, then you should go for it


Good luck!
Carrie
 

Ellen

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24,426
df, it just goes to show, we''re human. But thank goodness you and I got over things and loved our children as they should be.

Some mothers don''t, sadly.
 

Miranda

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Feb 18, 2006
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4,101
We knew we were done when the report on DH''s sperm count post vasectomy came back negative. hehe

We have three kids - 12 (boy) 11 (boy) and 4 (girl). If you are even considering having another one, keep your options open. DH really didn''t want another baby after #2. I on the other hand came out of the delivery room talking about "next time". We just left it as a "we''ll see when things settle down". We were young when we had our boys (started at 19 and 21) and DH was working full time and getting his degree at night. We were very busy and a third just didn''t fit into our tiny apartment. Fast forward two years...DH has degree, we bought a four bedroom house, and *thought* about #3. The timing still wasn''t right. DH was working loooooong hours and climbing the corporate ladder. With the new house there was so much to do like landscape it and furnish it. The boys then started school and sports and there was little time for anything else. I loved being involved in school activities - PTA etc. #3 seemed like a distant desire. At this point the house is decorated with bedroom #4 being an office. Our family and friends started having kids so the *baby* void was filled for me as I could get my baby fix whenever I needed to and still got to sleep allllll night. As far as birth control goes we were carefull, though, neither of us had done anything permanent...I could not take the pill because I turn into hormonal, crazy, instabitch. See where I''m going with this...SURPRISE...When son #2 is 6 1/2 and son # 1 was 8 we found out #3 was on the way. We were shocked! My shock turned to delight while DH felt overwhelmed. We found out we were having a girl which was another shock because we just assumed it would be a boy. There are tons of boys in DH''s family. Anyway, she was born and has been a daddy''s girl ever since. They are so in love with each other. A little twist in the story is that in the delivery room with DD, DH was talking about *the next baby*. I knew 3 was my limit. DH continues to work quite a bit as he is in a demanding industry (mortgage marketing/advertising) and that leaves me at home to deal with everything. I love it and wouldn''t have it any other way, I just know that three is my sweet spot. A lot of it has to do with finances, too. Kids only get more expensive as they get older. Vacations (airfare) cost more, etc. I do feel like DD is a little shortchanged at times because she doesn''t have a sibling her age and the boys are so close in age. We have friends that are in a similar situation, only their kids are 22, 21, and 14 - also two boys and a girl. Their daughter complains that the boys have each other, mom and dad have each other, but, she has no one. I do worry about that issue coming up in the future for us. I just know in my heart that I can do my very best with 3, but, 4 would be a huge stretch for me. Besides, we''re old now. Hehe, not really. We''re 31 and 34. We love to be young parents, though. We have since moved again and now have a 5 bedroom house. The 5th bedroom is a playroom. We joke around that we could make it a baby room and DH says he''d have his vasectomy reversed if I give him the word...He hasn''t gotten the word. I sometimes want a baby so badly, but, I just recognize that to be my baby fetish.

I drive an Expedition (8 seats) and DH has an Infiniti (5 seats). I despise the Expedition...It''s too big and I''m too small for it. I can barely see the top of the hood. I''ve been looking at the new Mercedes GLS...lots of seats and it''s smaller. Hmmmmmmm...Maybe in a year or two.

Good luck with your decision!!!!
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
Ellen, my biggest worry is my middle, who was 6 when his baby brother was born. He is sweet and loving, but very quiet. My oldest has anxiety issues and is a great kid but tougher overall, and then you add a baby to the mix, along with a mom who is not 26 and is tired and feels pulled in all directions...well, it is nice to have a quiet one who is self sufficient, but since the squeaky wheel tends to get the grease I feel he does get shortchained somehow. But birth order experts say a lot of middle kids become president, they are great at seeing both sides of an issue and are used to compromising...I just adore my sons, not to say I would not have loved to have a daughter, but I am queen (?!) here, and I have a saying in my house..."If mommy is happy EVERYONE is happy!" And I got to pick out our pup, and get a GIRL and she has lots of pretty and girly leads and collars!!!!
 

Ellen

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 13, 2006
Messages
24,426
df, I hear you. Just hang in there, do your best, and give the middle one an extra hug once in awhile. We can only do so much.



I laughed at the girl dog. By the time we got to the breeder for our last one, there were only males left. I didn''t even get lucky there.
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
55,607
Oh, we had the standard boy and girl and we were DONE. Hubby got fixed and that was that. To make a long story short, we were providentially drawn to adopt a baby girl from China when the two older kids were 13 and 10, and we were 40!!! Yep, people thought we were nuts! And people even said to me...I''m glad it''s you and not me! But that child is a joy and a blessing, and I can''t imagine my life without her. Yes, we started all over with a baby when we could have looked forward to freedom in just a few years. But have I had regrets? No, I have not had one single moment of regret ever. The older kids love her. We had a chance to reorder our priorities and do some things differently. I think we have been better parents this time. And she is just a gift to us.

But to answer the question, I thought we were done the day I gave birth to a baby girl. But 10 long years later, after we had taken permanent measures, we chose to add another child. And that wonderful experience made me really, really want to adopt one more!!! But hubby said no and did not budge (he was thinking of practical things like college and retirement while I was thinking about precious babies lying in orphanages), so I did not try to force him. After a few years, I accepted that we were really done. It is a feeling of peace when you finally reach that point. But I urge healthy people under 40 not to make a permanent decision early like we did. Our situation worked out for the best, but circumstances can and do change, and I think it is best to leave the option open.
 

Cehrabehra

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Joined
Jun 29, 2006
Messages
11,071
husband and I wanted 3 kids each 4-5 years apart.... we did really good with the first two but we had #3 early and I told him it was likely I''d want a fourth (I expected in my mid 30''s to have a bio clock going off again saying BABY TIME!) and I wasn''t sure if I wanted more or not but I suspected I did and then at 2 1/2 when my son weaned.. about 3 weeks later it just HIT ME like a ton of bricks, best I can describe it is "OH HELL NO!" and I''ve never looked back. Told dh to go get the snip and he waited six months before he made the appointment just in case I changed my mind (sweet, very sweet considering he was definitely done) and I never did and never have. There is just not even a speck of me that actually wants a child. I loved being pregnant and I would love to see the millions of combos we could create and I would love to see them grow and develop etc. but I do not want any more people living in my house, I do not want to be responsible for any more homework sessions after school, I do not want to play taxi to more events, I do not want to deal with anything regarding newborns again unless it''s temporary. I never thought I''d feel *this* way but boy, when you know you know!!
 

Cehrabehra

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 29, 2006
Messages
11,071
Date: 1/5/2007 11:12:20 AM
Author: KimberlyH
I am not yet a parent, and we have not decided as a couple that we ever will be (it is more likely than not, but a discussion to be had in about a year after we have better settled into marriage).
WHEN you have a child is a discussion that can evolve and change after you''re married.... but IF you''re going to have children is a discussion I believe should be had BEFORE you get married!
 

Cehrabehra

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 29, 2006
Messages
11,071
Date: 1/5/2007 11:20:18 AM
Author: asscherisme
I knew I was not done having kids yet when I would see a pregnant woman and feel that tinge inside me that told me, How wonderful, to be pregnant, how wonderful that is to be pregnant.

I knew I was DONE having kids when I started seeing pregnant women in a very different way. After my 4th child I see pregnant women and I think, been there, done that. AT this point a pregnant woman makes me think, better her than me LOL.
omg omg this is sooooo me LOL!!! I remember being downright envious of those big bellies!! I felt such stabs of jealousy... and when I was pregnant I was so proud I just thought everyone must want one of these big old bellies!! hahaha... I remember looking at cute baby clothes and feeling all swoony inside.... I couldn''t wait to pick out THE stroller and car seat....

About a year ago I was looking for a parking spot and this woman was lugging her huge stroller into her trunk and I was hit with "ha! better you than me!" and I realized oh wow, I''ve changed!! Now when I look at little tiny clothes I think oh geez, spit up and poop? I''m so done with that! My 5 year old folds his own clothes now - now THAT''S something to be glad about!!!! hehehe
 

Cehrabehra

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Joined
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Messages
11,071
Date: 1/5/2007 7:07:15 PM
Author: Christa
And if it helps at all, I grew up in a family of 3 kids and I have 3, and 3 is kind of a bad number. It tends to be two of them ganging up on the 3rd, just like it was when I was growing up. Grr!
really? not here! My 3 get along great! Each has things in common with another and they all love each other so much I often find all 3in the same bed in the morning :) They all fight but I''ve NEVER seen two gang up on one - ever never ever never ever. And now that I''ve said that, we all know it''ll happen later today or tomorrow or something hahaha - probably tomorrow when school''s out haha (for snow).
 

Cehrabehra

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Messages
11,071
Date: 1/5/2007 11:58:42 PM
Author: Sophie
Alot of people say that going from 2-3 is a big jump bc then you and hubby are outnumbered. lol. I say, learn to be a better multi-tasker, hehee.

Seriously, though. Since our boys are young, my hubby says how nice it is when we are out somewhere to be able to focus on 1 kid each so they don''t run off, but I always try to say how they won''t stay that young forever and need that type of parenting.

So for those with 3, what kind of cars do you drive/? any options beside mini vans??
going from 2 to 3 is a jump, but I think it would have been easier to have the first two closer in age than the last two.... because when they''re very young you mostly stay home, you do things that you want to do or go shopping etc. but the kids are at the same level aproximately. When I had my two I also had an older one in school ad girlscouts etc. and it was tough.... I think it would have been easier to have two in school and a baby at home. I think going from 4 to 5 would be really hard because then you''ve run out of hands and you have to trust that one of them will just obey LOL I think my youngest was around 2 when I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I still haven''t found the end of the tunnel but it''s goten brighter LOL!

your second part above - they still need parenting and in some ways it takes MORE time than what they take when they''re little - it''s just different. Hovering over 3 kids to make sure they all get their homework done while you''re making dinner isn''t relaxing at all LOL But having all the kids potty trained is really great lol

I have a minivan and I love it... I love that we can fit 8 people and we have used it many times. I love that the back doors don''t swing out - ie the kids aren''t banging them into innocent cars on accident.... I love that it is lower to the ground than suv''s and easier to buckle the kids in when they''re little, not as low as a car though.... when we had a car we had to bend over, now its perfect. DH wants me to get an suv so we can tow more but I''m like no way - trade in your convertable for one! haha he won''t do that either. I like the van. I haven''t found anything else I''d want more until I''m done with having kids in the house!
 

KimberlyH

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Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
Date: 1/10/2007 1:09:33 PM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 1/5/2007 11:12:20 AM
Author: KimberlyH
I am not yet a parent, and we have not decided as a couple that we ever will be (it is more likely than not, but a discussion to be had in about a year after we have better settled into marriage).
WHEN you have a child is a discussion that can evolve and change after you''re married.... but IF you''re going to have children is a discussion I believe should be had BEFORE you get married!
I understand what you are saying, and actually agree with you. But our feelings about wanting children are exactly the same (we are both 75% sure we want children, to put it into mathematical terms) we had this discussion on several occasion pre-marriage to make sure we were on the same page. We as a couple decided that we want to be together whether or not we choose to have children and have commited to our marriage no matter what the conclusion about children ends up being.

If I had decided I absolutely wanted kids and he had said he wasn''t sure or vice versa I wouldn''t have married him as I don''t believe on partner should try to convince the other to change his or her mind on this subject.
 
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