how did you onw you were "done" having kids?

[Christa]

Date: 1/10/2007 1:28:17 PM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 1/5/2007 7:07:15 PM
Author: Christa
And if it helps at all, I grew up in a family of 3 kids and I have 3, and 3 is kind of a bad number. It tends to be two of them ganging up on the 3rd, just like it was when I was growing up. Grr!

really? not here! My 3 get along great! Each has things in common with another and they all love each other so much I often find all 3in the same bed in the morning They all fight but I''ve NEVER seen two gang up on one - ever never ever never ever. And now that I''ve said that, we all know it''ll happen later today or tomorrow or something hahaha - probably tomorrow when school''s out haha (for snow).

Lucky you! After I thought about it more I realized the 2 against 1 was mostly from my own childhood--three girls was always full of drama. My kids don''t usually gang up, it''s more like 1 against 2: I have one-who-shall-remain-nameless who can fight with either of her siblings for any or no reason, while my oldest and youngest get along great, probably because of the 6-year age gap.

Age difference and gender makes a huge difference, and Diamondfan--I have two girls and a boy, and if I had to pick all of one gender I wouldn''t hesitate a second to pick all boys. So much less stress and drama!

 

[ImpatientOne]

Date: 1/11/2007 12:11:45 AM
Author: Christa

Date: 1/10/2007 1:28:17 PM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 1/5/2007 7:07:15 PM
Author: Christa
And if it helps at all, I grew up in a family of 3 kids and I have 3, and 3 is kind of a bad number. It tends to be two of them ganging up on the 3rd, just like it was when I was growing up. Grr!

really? not here! My 3 get along great! Each has things in common with another and they all love each other so much I often find all 3in the same bed in the morning They all fight but I've NEVER seen two gang up on one - ever never ever never ever. And now that I've said that, we all know it'll happen later today or tomorrow or something hahaha - probably tomorrow when school's out haha (for snow).

Lucky you! After I thought about it more I realized the 2 against 1 was mostly from my own childhood--three girls was always full of drama. My kids don't usually gang up, it's more like 1 against 2: I have one-who-shall-remain-nameless who can fight with either of her siblings for any or no reason, while my oldest and youngest get along great, probably because of the 6-year age gap.

Age difference and gender makes a huge difference, and Diamondfan--I have two girls and a boy, and if I had to pick all of one gender I wouldn't hesitate a second to pick all boys. So much less stress and drama!

I am kind of embarrassed to tell this story, but I know you all will understand. I grew up with 3 sisters. I don't know how my poor parents kept their sanity! There was always someone bickering. I decided at an early age that I wanted three boys when I grew up. My first born was a son and I was thrilled. When I was pregnant with my 2nd, I found out she was a girl and I thought, "Okay, I guess one girl is alright as I'm sure the 3rd one will be a boy." Well, I will never forget the day I had the ultrasound for the 3rd one. It was another girl and when I heard those words I bawled like a baby. I was devastated that I would not have another boy. I knew three was my limit. The nurse came in and looked at me like I was crazy and told me I should be happy I was having a healthy baby. I cried for a while, then went straight to the department store and started looking a girly baby clothes and that was the end of my pity party. When my baby girl arrived I never looked back. She has been by far the easiest of all my children and has brought such joy to my life. I laugh now and thank the Lord that he had the wisdom to only give me ONE son. Don't get me wrong, I love my son dearly, but my daughters and I have a special bond and they have given me far less grief over the years than my darling son!!! They are now 25, 19 and 17. My daughters have never given me anything to worry about (no drama) and they are truly amazing young women.

I have been a single mom for the past 16 years and their father was not very involved in their lives (he did pay his child support - I will give him that). I think raising a son alone without a father around was probably harder than raising the girls. Girls I understand - boys, well, they just don't think the same way as we females, lol! I didn't date at all until about 2 years ago, so I knew long ago that I wouldn't have more than the three I had originally planned. I feel so blessed to have such great kids! I wouldn't change a thing

My darling son and his wife are expecting their first child this summer. Of course my wish for him is to have a son, one who is EXACTLY like him so he will know what I went through. Isn't that every parent's wish for their child? To hope they have one just like themselves? LOL!

 

[DonaBella]

This is a thread I HAVE to respond to. Namely, I am the mom of 9 kids...all born via me. It was not an easy feat to have a large family and at times, it is taxing, but for me, I ask myself, who would I have not gotten to know?

No, I never NEVER planned on a large family. I came from a family of 4...3 brothers and me, the only girl and the oldest. DH came from a family of all boys, 4 of them to be exact and he was #3. When we discussed kids, we BOTH settled on 4 kids. Somehow, despite, IUDs, despite the Pill, and despite other methods, we got 9 kids. And yes, I do not mind adding that we got 3 surprise pregnancies. DH went in and had a vasectomy when I was preggers with #9. We tried to schedule it before we conceived #7, but complications came up and, well, it just didn''t actually happen till then.

As far as knowing for sure we were through? Sweetie, I loved all of my kids very, very much, but after the last baby and being on bedrest for the last 3 due to premature labor, it was just time to stop. I loved being a mom to my kids but it is a daunting and selfless task to undertake, not for the selfish and self absorbed.

I had a good and frank talk with a friend of mine a few years back who was debating having kids. Her family was kind of pressuring her into it and her hubby just wanted to be sure either way. She was still enjoying her freedom to sleep in on weekends, she loved her work, she loved traveling with him whenever and just plain wasn''t sure she wanted kids...right now. Problem was, she wasn''t exactly super young(3 and just how many years can one take to coast on such a serious topic?

I learned alot from that conversation. If you are not completely and I do mean COMPLETELY aware of both what you are sacrificing to be a parent as well as what you are sacrificing NOT to be a parent, then you need to take time to do it. I strongly feel that if you choose to be a parent, you will experience life lessons that nothing else can give you. You will grow as a person and your heart will be full beyond words. You will also be somewhat sleep deprived, gain/lose weight, be tested as a person and as a couple. In the end, it is all worth it for me. I can say that even with 7 still living at home!

Should you choose to live your life child free for whatever your reasons, that is your journey and you will also experience life lessons of a different sort. Because I did not choose that path, I cannot really comment on it from experience, only from what others who have have told me. I did have one couple who as we socialized at another friend''s house commented that they were in awe of our kids who they observed and how they wondered if it was too late for them. Again, it was just this one couple and what they shared with us.

I have some other friends who actually have a hard time socializing when we just have adults together cuz they cannot relate to pretty much anyone''s else''s lives. I have a friend who for two years, she kept asking me to consider being her surrogate so she could have another child to raise. She has one daughter,who is 10, and had to have a hysterectomy so she envies me for my kids. I was flattered, believe me, but I couldn''t do it for a myriad of reasons.

The same way everyone makes life choices about who they marry or how they live, I do not think it is fair, polite or respectful to judge anyone on whether they choose to have children or not. It is so personal. I have been blessed to have friends with and without kids and I appreciate their views. I am usually the one asked at parties about why I have so many kids and how I still have such a solid relationship with my DH. It is hard work sometimes, but when you want something to work, you roll up your sleeves and get through things when life is tough. When things are smooth, you count your blessings.

I just happen to be able to see 9 of mine when I see my kids. I know becoming a mother helped make me who I am today. Believe me, being a mom forces you out of your shell and helps you to get closer to who you were meant to be. Remember, I am saying how this affected me. There are several women who would not make good mothers and are better off not being moms. I believe my DIL is one of those. At least not right now...or for maybe a long time...and that''s ok.

I do not expect my daughters to be like me. I know for a fact that my eldest will have maybe 3 or 4 kids. My younger one will have the same I suppose. We have talked openly about this. I have worked my a$$ off to influence them to travel, to develop themselves, to become all that they can be so when they do marry they are closer to being as complete as they hope their choice in a spouse is. This will greatly affect their parenting.

I am an usual mom, that is for sure. I wouldn''t change things except to be able to make more money! HA!

 

[snowflakeluvr]

deana,
you really inspire me-heck, five seems like just a few compared to nine! i have been very privileged and blessed to be a stay-at-home mom. that said, now that our oldest is in college, and our youngest two in diapers, i sometimes feel badly that we don''t have the funds to help our daughter throughout her college career....our children have gone to private school and well, we just don''t have an extra 500,000 tucked away for their college funds. we do however have good, smart kids, with good values, good work ethics and we spend almost all of our leisure time as a family.(dh and i have the occasional dinner/movie or special theatre night out) but dh travels every week so the poor guy likes to be AT HOME with kids ta boot.
i never sit down(unless to peak at the pretties on ps) and our 16yr old son was just diagnosed with type 1 diabetes so that is making our lives a little more interesting, but you are right on so many points. not every one is destined to have 9, or 5, or 3, or 2 children, or any. it doesn''t make us saints to be moms, but it sure is a lifestyle about others, not self. i don''t mind. love them, their little cheeks, their little quirks, their everything. for me, it has been the very best part of my life.
but just wanted to tell you that i am inspired by you! have you had "help" over the years? my hubby and i moved away from (seriously dysfunctional) families a dozen years ago, so it has been just ME, hubby(mostly gone for work) and the kiddies. now of course mine are very spaced 18 to 1 so we have "three" families of kiddies, not as hard(imo) as having them all one after another.
blessings to your large brood-how wonderful your holidays must be!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/11/2007 12:11:45 AM
Author: Christa

Date: 1/10/2007 1:28:17 PM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 1/5/2007 7:07:15 PM
Author: Christa
And if it helps at all, I grew up in a family of 3 kids and I have 3, and 3 is kind of a bad number. It tends to be two of them ganging up on the 3rd, just like it was when I was growing up. Grr!

really? not here! My 3 get along great! Each has things in common with another and they all love each other so much I often find all 3in the same bed in the morning They all fight but I''ve NEVER seen two gang up on one - ever never ever never ever. And now that I''ve said that, we all know it''ll happen later today or tomorrow or something hahaha - probably tomorrow when school''s out haha (for snow).

Lucky you! After I thought about it more I realized the 2 against 1 was mostly from my own childhood--three girls was always full of drama. My kids don''t usually gang up, it''s more like 1 against 2: I have one-who-shall-remain-nameless who can fight with either of her siblings for any or no reason, while my oldest and youngest get along great, probably because of the 6-year age gap.

Age difference and gender makes a huge difference, and Diamondfan--I have two girls and a boy, and if I had to pick all of one gender I wouldn''t hesitate a second to pick all boys. So much less stress and drama!

hahaha not here - the girl is a DREAM!!! she went through some craziness around 8-10 or so but now she''s very good.... even at her worst though she was a good kid - she''s just by nature a very good kid. The boys are insane. I don''t know if I''d choose two boys or two girls because I think having two of one sex kinda screws with things either way lol!! I know before I had kids I wanted 2 girls and 1 boy.... 2nd choice was 2 boys and a girl then 3 girls and last 3 boys.... I had a girl first and was soooo relieved.... then had a boy and was more relieved so it really didn''t matter what #3 was but I was hoping for another girl lol

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/11/2007 2:42:00 AM
Author: ImpatientOne
I am kind of embarrassed to tell this story, but I know you all will understand.
::snip::
My darling son and his wife are expecting their first child this summer.

that is awesome and congratulations!! very admirable for you to hold off on dating while the kids were growing up

 

[diamondfan]

Impatient One, congrats! I think your wish is called the Mom''s Curse, my mom put it on ME too!

Christa, I just felt so overwhelmed with the thought of boys, even one, since I did not have brothers growing up and I am one of the girliest girl''s G-d ever put on this earth. To me, boys were wild, smelly, rough and liked to touch insects and things. My kids are certainly all boy, and love trucks and cars and Superheroes etc, and love to play and be kids, but they are so sweet and loving and I just could not imagine not having them. Not to say I would not have loved a daughter...but the thought versus the reality is so different, so though I thought I could not handle it etc, now that I have my sons and know them. I know this is the family I was supposed to have...and I hope to have nice daughter in laws or granddaughters some day!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/13/2007 12:39:50 AM
Author: diamondfan
Impatient One, congrats! I think your wish is called the Mom''s Curse, my mom put it on ME too!

Christa, I just felt so overwhelmed with the thought of boys, even one, since I did not have brothers growing up and I am one of the girliest girl''s G-d ever put on this earth. To me, boys were wild, smelly, rough and liked to touch insects and things. My kids are certainly all boy, and love trucks and cars and Superheroes etc, and love to play and be kids, but they are so sweet and loving and I just could not imagine not having them. Not to say I would not have loved a daughter...but the thought versus the reality is so different, so though I thought I could not handle it etc, now that I have my sons and know them. I know this is the family I was supposed to have...and I hope to have nice daughter in laws or granddaughters some day!

my boys are totally sweet and loving as well... in fact in some ways they are more cuddly and loving than my daughter is.... they are not shy about their loving that''s for sure! my daughter is a bit more reserved and even though we do hug and cuddle and get along in ways that the boys just never will with me, there''s aso a certain... not quite competition, but too much similarity? living with another future woman is more of a chllenge than I thought it would be, and the boys are easier than I thought they''d be. Well........ most of the time haha BTW your granddaughters are gona LOVE you -omg they''re gonna be so spoiled by grandma!!!

 

[ladykemma]

sort of off topic but anyway

we did unsuccessful fertility work. from age 36-38 for me. I had spent the previous month in bed sick from the drugs. non functioning, the worst month ever. one morning i woke up and said "That''s it! I''m done! No More!" I acknowledge that God said "No".

the doc and hubby tried to tell me I was quiting too soon. but i had had enough.

is this how you feel about having more children? not the same?

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 1/5/2007 8:52:06 AM
Author: IslandDreams
I don''t know if you can tell that you''re done having kids until it''s too late. When you have the last one and realize, ''Oops, I really love little Joey, but life would have been easier if we just had Susie and Bob...''

I also think that ''perfect family size'' can change through the years. When they''re little and you watch them playing, it''s so cute and ''perfect.'' In a few years when they are each in different school activities and you''re trying to figure out how to get them all to different places at the same time you start to think maybe fewer kids would have been better. Then when they''re teens and driving you crazy....NO kids starts to sound pretty good. But then when they''re adults and give you grandkids...maybe you should have even had that 3rd, 4th etc. kid yourself. It''s always changing.

i know a mormon young family with 8 kids. mom does not chauffer (sp) them anywhere except doctors appointments, etc. the oldest is 16.

what they did instead was they found a neighborhood where the high school, elementary school and middle school were all on the same block. they bought each kid a bike. they bought a house across the street from that block. each kid is independent to get where they need to go. they have to be home by 6.

when they want to do something first thing mom says is "how ya gonna get there?"

she refuses to do the soccer mom thing. good for her.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 1/14/2007 10:40:01 AM
Author: ladykemma
she refuses to do the soccer mom thing. good for her.

Why is that good?

All 3 of my boys wanted to play sports. Oldest and youngest was baseball, soccer. The field where they played was 2 miles from home (going through a bad area) and off a major highway. I wouldn't want them riding their bikes there. Middle one was wrestling, with many matches out of town.

So, I should have just told them too bad?

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 1/14/2007 2:07:48 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 1/14/2007 10:40:01 AM
Author: ladykemma
she refuses to do the soccer mom thing. good for her.

Why is that good?

All 3 of my boys wanted to play sports. Oldest and youngest was baseball, soccer. The field where they played was 2 miles from home (going through a bad area) and off a major highway. I wouldn''t want them riding their bikes there. Middle one was wrestling, with many matches out of town.

So, I should have just told them too bad?

I agree. I LOVE that my daughter plays soccer (or any sports, music instruments, playdates, etc) and that my 3 year old son will be as well this spring. I love going to their practices and games. Yes, I love my minivan; I''m a carseat, stroller, diaper bag fanatic and am involved with my kids lives. I personally would not allow my children to play outside alone (and we live in a middle upper suburban neighborhood) nor ride their bikes to practices, games, school, etc.

LK- why is it a GOOD thing for her to not do the "soccer mom" thing? The way you phrase it, it sounds like it''s a BAD thing.

 

[Ellen]

feb, I actually loved going too. It does a moms heart good to see their child living life, having fun, being a kid...


Well, ok, the soccer games at the end of the season in the snow weren''t so fun, but still....

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 1/14/2007 2:21:50 PM
Author: february2003bride

Date: 1/14/2007 2:07:48 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 1/14/2007 10:40:01 AM
Author: ladykemma
she refuses to do the soccer mom thing. good for her.

Why is that good?

All 3 of my boys wanted to play sports. Oldest and youngest was baseball, soccer. The field where they played was 2 miles from home (going through a bad area) and off a major highway. I wouldn''t want them riding their bikes there. Middle one was wrestling, with many matches out of town.

So, I should have just told them too bad?

I agree. I LOVE that my daughter plays soccer (or any sports, music instruments, playdates, etc) and that my 3 year old son will be as well this spring. I love going to their practices and games. Yes, I love my minivan; I''m a carseat, stroller, diaper bag fanatic and am involved with my kids lives. I personally would not allow my children to play outside alone (and we live in a middle upper suburban neighborhood) nor ride their bikes to practices, games, school, etc.

LK- why is it a GOOD thing for her to not do the ''soccer mom'' thing? The way you phrase it, it sounds like it''s a BAD thing.

well everytime they wanted to go somewhere it involved strapping in 5 kids in car seats, and getting the rest in the van. big hassle. I''m not talking about the little ones -- 3rd grade (8 years) and over can cross the street by themselves. yes, she tells them "too bad". but she is teaching them self reliance and they can do school and church related activities. anything that is across the street.

 

[diamondfan]

Cehra, I HOPE they will love me, I cannot wait to be able to do some fun things with them...though hopefully it is MANY years away...my oldest is only 14!!!

The thing with the kids and bikes etc, makes me feel that it is, in a way, punishing the kids... because the world we live in is such that I would not send a kid off alone like that. Just my feeling, but I see kids almost getting hit on foot and on bikes...I used to hop on my bike and go all over, 30 years ago, but now the world is different. There are so many predators out there, and also, what about people rushing around on their cell phones while driving, not seeing your kid...to me, no matter how many kids I have I have responsiblities, and yes, I need to teach independence and self reliance, but I have to balance the price. Just crossing the street, a non major street, is fine. Going to the neighbors on my street and knowing my kid arrived, fine. Going to the mall and wandering with another kid alone for hours, no. Going on a bike and not knowing if the kid got there okay, that would freak me out. We all have our comfort zone, but if you have a lot of kids, well, that was your decision, and I think you have to be "hassled" abit. And I would get a sitter, a mother''s helper, to be home with some of them, or I would try carpooling whenever possible. Believe me, I think kids have to learn how to take care of themselves, if we do not do this we are failing as parents, and they will pay the price, but still, one must face the reality of the world we live in, and I for one think there is a balancing act, a fine line, about this...

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

How did I know? My body told me--with five pregnancies and four miscarraiges, I am lucky to have one boy. He is a great kid, but oh the "attitude", at 13, has come on strong!

cheers--Sharon

 

[diamondfan]

Sharon, 14 ain''t a whole lot better

...

but at least my son still will kiss me in front of his friends and talk to me about girls and things like that, so I am happy for that much...most of my friends kids tell them NOTHING. So, I take a bit of attitude with some other good things and think about that when I want to pull out my hair!

 

[upgrading mama]

Date: 1/14/2007 7:06:37 PM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 1/14/2007 2:21:50 PM
Author: february2003bride

Date: 1/14/2007 2:07:48 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 1/14/2007 10:40:01 AM
Author: ladykemma
she refuses to do the soccer mom thing. good for her.

Why is that good?

All 3 of my boys wanted to play sports. Oldest and youngest was baseball, soccer. The field where they played was 2 miles from home (going through a bad area) and off a major highway. I wouldn''t want them riding their bikes there. Middle one was wrestling, with many matches out of town.

So, I should have just told them too bad?

I agree. I LOVE that my daughter plays soccer (or any sports, music instruments, playdates, etc) and that my 3 year old son will be as well this spring. I love going to their practices and games. Yes, I love my minivan; I''m a carseat, stroller, diaper bag fanatic and am involved with my kids lives. I personally would not allow my children to play outside alone (and we live in a middle upper suburban neighborhood) nor ride their bikes to practices, games, school, etc.

LK- why is it a GOOD thing for her to not do the ''soccer mom'' thing? The way you phrase it, it sounds like it''s a BAD thing.

well everytime they wanted to go somewhere it involved strapping in 5 kids in car seats, and getting the rest in the van. big hassle. I''m not talking about the little ones -- 3rd grade (8 years) and over can cross the street by themselves. yes, she tells them ''too bad''. but she is teaching them self reliance and they can do school and church related activities. anything that is across the street.

I am sure I will relish the soccer mom role, Lord willing, if that is the sport my boys choose, since I was a soccer player my whole life..

I am just wondering though, as a parent, why would it be "good" to tell your kid "how will you get there."? I am not trying to be nit picky about word choice or anything like that- I do agree that it is important to teach kids how to be self reliant, but isn''t that mother telling her kids, in essence, that she doesn''t care about their interests by not participating?? I agree, it would be difficult to cart such a large family around, but that was the parents choice to have lots of children, and I don''t think that the kids should have to pay the price for it.

 

[diamondfan]

Sohpie, I agree, because in part you are not merely driving them, but are there to cheer them on. Not every practice, no, but games etc yes. And, while teaching independence etc, is vital, to me, making a kid figure out how to get somewhere because you do not wish to put the other kids in the car, well, that is not the kid's fault and should not be his problem. I know there are times you cannot take all the kids with you, one might be sick or something, but I am sure it would not be too hard to find a teenager in this neighborhood filled with schools, who could come over as a mother's helper for not a lot of money, so that the mom could be more a part of it. I think making a kid save their allowance for something is practical, but not making them figure out transport, with the nuts out there and the crazy drivers I would not have any peace...

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/15/2007 2:09:04 AM
Author: diamondfan
Sohpie, I agree, because in part you are not merely driving them, but are there to cheer them on. Not every practice, no, but games etc yes. And, while teaching independence etc, is vital, to me, making a kid figure out how to get somewhere because you do not wish to put the other kids in the car, well, that is not the kid's fault and should be his problem. I know there are times you cannot take all the kids with you, one might be sick or something, but I am sure it would not be too hard to find a teenager in this neighborhood filled with schools, who could come over as a mother's helper for not a lot of money, so that the mom could be more a part of it. I think making a kid save their allowance for something is practical, but not making them figure out transport, with the nuts out there and the crazy drivers I would not have any peace...

Just thinking about Jack... How he died crossing the street. I drove my kids all over the place for matches squash, tennis and golf tournaments. Hubby did his share of driving as well. Having 2 kids in different schools meant we couldn't always be there together, but one of us was there. They are self reliant, no problem there. But am glad that they will look back and say mom and dad were there to be our cheerleaders. That we were there, matters most I think. Have many fond memories of those days.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/15/2007 1:06:04 AM
Author: Sophie

I am sure I will relish the soccer mom role, Lord willing, if that is the sport my boys choose, since I was a soccer player my whole life..

I am just wondering though, as a parent, why would it be ''good'' to tell your kid ''how will you get there.''? I am not trying to be nit picky about word choice or anything like that- I do agree that it is important to teach kids how to be self reliant, but isn''t that mother telling her kids, in essence, that she doesn''t care about their interests by not participating?? I agree, it would be difficult to cart such a large family around, but that was the parents choice to have lots of children, and I don''t think that the kids should have to pay the price for it.

different people, different families, different priorities.... I don''t see one as better, nor do I see the other as better. I think that there are good things to learn from having everything in your local community and there are good things to having opportunites spread out. There are also cons to both.

There are only so many events you can physically attend. If you have an only child they might do several extracurricular activities.... if you have 8 children, you are just simply limited in what you can do. I''m not sure I totally agree with taking the kids NOWHERE but I also don''t have 8 kids and cannot fathom what it would be like to attend to ALL of their needs every day. If one child has soccer practice 2 evenings a week plus a game on saturday and two kids happen to have practice at the same time but the games on saturday are spread out.... imagine soccer practice for 8 kids? Then piano and dance? It gets insane really fast and an insane mom isn''t a happy mom lol At some point you cry uncle. I think both ways teach different sorts of self reliance.

Some people are sports families -watch sports on TV have a rotating season of sports all year that they participate in - dad''s that coach etc. Some are dance families. Some are music families. Some are technocomputergeek families, some like to read, some like to sit around and watch tv together. Its always easy to judge those who have values different than our own, but it isn''t always wise to do so. It''s not nice to judge the fully booked soccer mom of 2 any more than the housebound mom of 8. They''re just differnet people living different lives with different values and different children. The only important thing is finding out what balance is right for YOU and trying not to have more kids than you can handle with that lifestyle LOL

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/15/2007 2:09:04 AM
Author: diamondfan
Sohpie, I agree, because in part you are not merely driving them, but are there to cheer them on. Not every practice, no, but games etc yes. And, while teaching independence etc, is vital, to me, making a kid figure out how to get somewhere because you do not wish to put the other kids in the car, well, that is not the kid''s fault and should not be his problem. I know there are times you cannot take all the kids with you, one might be sick or something, but I am sure it would not be too hard to find a teenager in this neighborhood filled with schools, who could come over as a mother''s helper for not a lot of money, so that the mom could be more a part of it. I think making a kid save their allowance for something is practical, but not making them figure out transport, with the nuts out there and the crazy drivers I would not have any peace...

i''m sorry df - I don''t think its that easy.... not the making the kid figure out how to get there part but the part about not being at all the practices and finding helpers etc. It just isn''t in the budget for many people to have that sort of mulit-weekly or daily help. I don''t envy your rings or china or other material things but I have to admit I do envy your nanny!!!! lol!! It sounds like *heaven* but unfortunately we don''t all have that.... I know in some ways it is a matter of prioritizing, but there are so many things on that list it is difficult for many people to put that one up to the top, especially if we''re not working. And for those who have even tighter budgets than our family - there''s just no where for the money to come from. Not to mention good help is hard to find, even if you pay a premium. A trustworthy teen that isn''t already up to her own earlobes in her own extra activities? Very hard!! The cheap labor kids that have nothing better to do are quite often the last people I want watching my kids lol

I will say that a strong network of friends who are doing the same things is a godsend.... that''s been a major boon for me, but I still restrict the activities that I allow my kids to participate in because there simply is not enough time in the day to fulfill their every whim....

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/15/2007 2:51:31 AM
Author: Kaleigh
Just thinking about Jack... How he died crossing the street. I drove my kids all over the place for matches squash, tennis and golf tournaments. Hubby did his share of driving as well. Having 2 kids in different schools meant we couldn''t always be there together, but one of us was there. They are self reliant, no problem there. But am glad that they will look back and say mom and dad were there to be our cheerleaders. That we were there, matters most I think. Have many fond memories of those days.

I''m sorry for your loss kaleigh - but who is jack?

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 1/15/2007 9:01:46 PM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 1/15/2007 1:06:04 AM
Author: Sophie

I am sure I will relish the soccer mom role, Lord willing, if that is the sport my boys choose, since I was a soccer player my whole life..

I am just wondering though, as a parent, why would it be ''good'' to tell your kid ''how will you get there.''? I am not trying to be nit picky about word choice or anything like that- I do agree that it is important to teach kids how to be self reliant, but isn''t that mother telling her kids, in essence, that she doesn''t care about their interests by not participating?? I agree, it would be difficult to cart such a large family around, but that was the parents choice to have lots of children, and I don''t think that the kids should have to pay the price for it.

different people, different families, different priorities.... I don''t see one as better, nor do I see the other as better. I think that there are good things to learn from having everything in your local community and there are good things to having opportunites spread out. There are also cons to both.

There are only so many events you can physically attend. If you have an only child they might do several extracurricular activities.... if you have 8 children, you are just simply limited in what you can do. I''m not sure I totally agree with taking the kids NOWHERE but I also don''t have 8 kids and cannot fathom what it would be like to attend to ALL of their needs every day. If one child has soccer practice 2 evenings a week plus a game on saturday and two kids happen to have practice at the same time but the games on saturday are spread out.... imagine soccer practice for 8 kids? Then piano and dance? It gets insane really fast and an insane mom isn''t a happy mom lol At some point you cry uncle. I think both ways teach different sorts of self reliance.

Some people are sports families -watch sports on TV have a rotating season of sports all year that they participate in - dad''s that coach etc. Some are dance families. Some are music families. Some are technocomputergeek families, some like to read, some like to sit around and watch tv together. Its always easy to judge those who have values different than our own, but it isn''t always wise to do so. It''s not nice to judge the fully booked soccer mom of 2 any more than the housebound mom of 8. They''re just differnet people living different lives with different values and different children. The only important thing is finding out what balance is right for YOU and trying not to have more kids than you can handle with that lifestyle LOL

also this family of 8 kids simply can''t afford it. they seem to be constantly doing neat things though.

 

[Miranda]

Since this thread has taken a little detour...Here''s a little food for thought. My parents raised my sister and I very much like the family with 8 kids. If there was someplace we wanted to go we had to figure out a way to get there. They were busy working and fulfilling their desires. We missed out on so much of childhood because of our parents'' choices. I''m absolutely self-reliant and VERY independant. I''m also very resentful of the choices my parents made. I don''t make a large effort with them because they didn''t with me...I''m not sure if that''s right or wrong, but, it is truly how I feel. I wonder if these people will have children that feel the same way. For me, the practices, games, princess classes, etc. are so much fun...There is nothing that could make me miss it...Why bother having kids...8 of them at that. Of course I''m not even mentioning the safety aspect of just letting kids loose. I do understand that different things work for different families, but, there is a bigger picture to consider.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/15/2007 10:02:10 PM
Author: Miranda
Since this thread has taken a little detour...Here''s a little food for thought. My parents raised my sister and I very much like the family with 8 kids. If there was someplace we wanted to go we had to figure out a way to get there. They were busy working and fulfilling their desires. We missed out on so much of childhood because of our parents'' choices. I''m absolutely self-reliant and VERY independant. I''m also very resentful of the choices my parents made. I don''t make a large effort with them because they didn''t with me...I''m not sure if that''s right or wrong, but, it is truly how I feel. I wonder if these people will have children that feel the same way. For me, the practices, games, princess classes, etc. are so much fun...There is nothing that could make me miss it...Why bother having kids...8 of them at that. Of course I''m not even mentioning the safety aspect of just letting kids loose. I do understand that different things work for different families, but, there is a bigger picture to consider.

I don''t think the bigger picture has as much to do with the quantity of activities the kids are involved in but rather the quality of the relationships they have with their parents. Love and affection and ATTENTION can go a long way, even if there''s no trip in the car.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 1/16/2007 1:05:53 AM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 1/15/2007 10:02:10 PM
Author: Miranda
Since this thread has taken a little detour...Here's a little food for thought. My parents raised my sister and I very much like the family with 8 kids. If there was someplace we wanted to go we had to figure out a way to get there. They were busy working and fulfilling their desires. We missed out on so much of childhood because of our parents' choices. I'm absolutely self-reliant and VERY independant. I'm also very resentful of the choices my parents made. I don't make a large effort with them because they didn't with me...I'm not sure if that's right or wrong, but, it is truly how I feel. I wonder if these people will have children that feel the same way. For me, the practices, games, princess classes, etc. are so much fun...There is nothing that could make me miss it...Why bother having kids...8 of them at that. Of course I'm not even mentioning the safety aspect of just letting kids loose. I do understand that different things work for different families, but, there is a bigger picture to consider.

I don't think the bigger picture has as much to do with the quantity of activities the kids are involved in but rather the quality of the relationships they have with their parents. Love and affection and ATTENTION can go a long way, even if there's no trip in the car.

I'd agree with that, but, attention as well as a showing of support is what kids really need IMHO. Telling a young child to figure out how to get to their activity and home is pretty darn unconcerned.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

i always saw my role as parent as improving my children''s lives(over the life i was raised in). i don''t mean materially AT ALL. we grew up(my brother and sister and i) with two working parents, but there was some support system with two elderly aunts which allowed my mother to work(she had to for financial reasons). my mom dropped me off at events, certainly attending "important" things like national honor society induction, the plays i was in, very rarely came to see me cheer. my husband played football through college and his parents attended every college game.
that said, my husband and i are very conscious about loving our kids unconditionally. my mom made my siblings and myself feel like we were never good enough. she is hyper-critical, resented my dad(they divorced) and still acts like she knows EVERYTHING. my 40 yrsister is a flailing, pathetic single mom of a six year old with deep issues. my brother is incarcerated after years of drug abuse. i am learning to let my mom''s opinions go in one ear and out the other-she''s only "involved" when she wants to be, or can make her look "good". we no longer speak to my mother-in-law and that is a huge blessing because she was/is very passive/aggressive.
miranda, it''s hard to even talk to my mom on the phone sometimes so i understand your sentiments(we live in another state and see her about 6 times yearly). she talks about HERSELF and that''s about it. don''t have time for that with two toddlers running around, a diabetic kid, a college kid, a traveling husband.
i have been in a privileged position to be an at-home parent to my kids. my husband works extremely hard and has spent a great deal of time away from home in order to make this happen. but we do put our kids "first"-i have never told my children they could not participate in something but generally the boys have chosen soccer and my daughter did a little bit more(church choir, clubs, cheerleading, babysitting, volunteer work) i think a balance is the best and believe me, with five kids of such various ages, just having the boys in different soccer programs is tough-my two little ones went to bed close to midnight last night because we got home around 10pm from an indoor soccer game(and dh was taking #1 daughter back to college).
it sounds like the mother of 8 might be a bit more rigid than me, but she is obviously trying to do what works for her. i can''t imagine saying "no" to my child for wanting to pursue something of interest that they would enjoy and would benefit them. but that''s me.
also, having a traveling hubby, we are generally very content homebodies, rarely going out or out on dates. for now, with two little ones(again) and jake''s diabetes being new to us still, we just accept staying in and playing with the kids, having pizza, watching familiy videos. this is the life WE chose and we are happy with that.
my hubby has told me over the years to hire some "help", but what i always tell him, that with five now, i''d need alice from the brady bunch. having a twice a month cleaning lady would do me no good, imo. rather save that $$ for sparklies.
interesting to read how others feel about topics like this. shows we are all individual and so many factors affect how we choose to live!

 

[rainbowtrout]

I think maybe LK was getting at how the "soccer mom" phenomenon can become a little disturbing.

I.e., do they NEED six million activities? Are many parents today overscheduling and overprotecting their children? I had lots of unscheduled time growing up and I am really thankful that my parents just let me have time to do "nothing"--read, play outside w/out an "activity" or whatever. Trust me, not being booked up with activities even through high school doesn''t damage your college choices or career. I did band, scholar''s bowl, and that was pretty much IT.

OTOH, children do depend on you as a parent--they can''t "figure out a way to get there" all of the time, and if they really want to do something I think it''s your responsibility to help them.

I''m stuggling with the children issue but I think FI and I have decided that we DO want them. We just have to figure out when, but there are so many other things we need to know first. I always keep in mind what a mentor of mine in college, a woman who had never had children, told me:

"If you wait too long for the right time, it will never happen...and remember, no one said it would EVER be easy."

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 1/16/2007 12:53:46 PM
Author: rainbowtrout
I think maybe LK was getting at how the 'soccer mom' phenomenon can become a little disturbing.

I.e., do they NEED six million activities? Are many parents today overscheduling and overprotecting their children? I had lots of unscheduled time growing up and I am really thankful that my parents just let me have time to do 'nothing'--read, play outside w/out an 'activity' or whatever. Trust me, not being booked up with activities even through high school doesn't damage your college choices or career. I did band, scholar's bowl, and that was pretty much IT.

OTOH, children do depend on you as a parent--they can't 'figure out a way to get there' all of the time, and if they really want to do something I think it's your responsibility to help them.

I'm stuggling with the children issue but I think FI and I have decided that we DO want them. We just have to figure out when, but there are so many other things we need to know first. I always keep in mind what a mentor of mine in college, a woman who had never had children, told me:

'If you wait too long for the right time, it will never happen...and remember, no one said it would EVER be easy.'

to clarify: BYW, the mormon woman with 8 kids doesn't let the kids do anything they need transportation for. "How ya gonna get there?" is sarcasm. the answer is No, you can't play ___________. she does not expect the kid to arrange the transportation. the answer is simply NO.

these kids are turning out very well. not overscheduled, no one is crazy, isolated, or bored. they have after school chores that need doing as well. they have time to study, read a book, go to the library, go look at tadpoles, play with friends on the block, do their after school activities. what i am trying to say is that my friend says the world will not end if you refuse to do the chauffer (sp) thing.