His parent and ME! - Help

[Thomperchik]

I don''t mean to be rude, because quite frankly I am not much older than you. I just think you have a little bit of growing up to do. I think you should enjoy being 20 and young instead of concentrating on this. Granted, you can''t help who you love, but you can help being happy. I suggest you enjoy yourself while you''re 20 and worry about getting married and building a family when he is ready.

Just my .02 cents...

 

[princesss]

Okay, I''ve been thinking about this post for a while, and there are a few things I can''t get over:

1) You were in his parents home, sleeping naked. Naked. And you got upset that his father came in to a room in a house that he owns. I haven''t read too many of the comments, but I can''t be the only one who thinks that''s a bit off. In your own house, where you pay for the roof over your head, you are entitled to sleep however you like, and people have to knock before they come in. When you are in somebody else''s house (and yes, this includes your parents'' house), you play by their rules. They do not HAVE to knock, it''s their house. Anything you may be allowed to do there is a courtesy that you do not have a right to.

2) You need to put the big girl pants on and talk to him. A serious, heartfelt, talk about where you guys are really going, about the relationship you have with his parents (they''re not going away, and if you can''t handle them, get out now), about his relationship with his parents...about everything. And then you need to cowgirl up and ACCEPT what he says. He may be perfectly happy with the status quo, and if that''s the case, you''re not going to be able to change that. So you need to decide what you''re going to do if he is happy with things and doesn''t want to change.

But honestly? If you''re asking a group of strangers on the internet if you should break up with him, and you get defensive when people bring up valid issues, it sounds like you don''t have a lot of faith in your relationship. You were a kid when it started. Most people are still kids at 20. I''m 22 and I''m still a kid. It''s okay if this doesn''t work out. You''ll wake up the next day, eat breakfast, do your work, and get on with life. It''ll be hard, sure, but life will go on. Don''t stay with him because you don''t know what will happen if you don''t. You''ll live. That''s what will happen.

And for Pete''s sake, pay him back for the computer. It is something you need for your studies and your career, it should be an expense you cover (or your parents, if they''re kind enough to help pay for your education). But your boyfriend? Trips, fine. But a necessity...part of being an adult is paying your own way, and if you want him and everybody else to treat you like one, you need to start really, truly acting like one. And that includes respecting boundaries in other people''s homes.

Sorry if that came out harsh, but I think it needed to be said.

 

[kat6]

Date: 11/25/2008 10:45:10 AM
Author: lasscreative
In Australia, you need 20% deposit.

Not true. You only need 20% to avoid paying mortgage insurance; which, given the cost of a home, is not a lot at all. We paid a 10% deposit when we bought our home last year.

In Sydney a house in a somewhat ok suburb is 650k. Thats 130k He just put that into getting that other house paid off, which we couldn''t do anything until that mortgage was gone.

I don''t believe this to be true either. I am interested to know what you would consider a ''somewhat ok suburb'' if you''re looking at houses costing that much. We live in a nice house (relatively new and not tiny) in what I consider to be a nice suburb and our house was WELL below that figure - and that was at the beginning of last year when prices were still in the fairly early stages of going down. A friend and her fiance recently bought a (again, nice, not tiny and newer than ours) house in a different, also nice IMO, suburb which, again, cost significantly below $650k.


Basically, I agree with what most others have said... especially about the naked sleeping thing. I would never sleep nude in my boyfriend''s parents house, nor in my own parents house - where he isn''t even allowed to sleep in the same room as me.

 

[bee*]

Date: 11/25/2008 7:03:53 PM
Author: princesss
Okay, I''ve been thinking about this post for a while, and there are a few things I can''t get over:


1) You were in his parents home, sleeping naked. Naked. And you got upset that his father came in to a room in a house that he owns. I haven''t read too many of the comments, but I can''t be the only one who thinks that''s a bit off. In your own house, where you pay for the roof over your head, you are entitled to sleep however you like, and people have to knock before they come in. When you are in somebody else''s house (and yes, this includes your parents'' house), you play by their rules. They do not HAVE to knock, it''s their house. Anything you may be allowed to do there is a courtesy that you do not have a right to.


2) You need to put the big girl pants on and talk to him. A serious, heartfelt, talk about where you guys are really going, about the relationship you have with his parents (they''re not going away, and if you can''t handle them, get out now), about his relationship with his parents...about everything. And then you need to cowgirl up and ACCEPT what he says. He may be perfectly happy with the status quo, and if that''s the case, you''re not going to be able to change that. So you need to decide what you''re going to do if he is happy with things and doesn''t want to change.


But honestly? If you''re asking a group of strangers on the internet if you should break up with him, and you get defensive when people bring up valid issues, it sounds like you don''t have a lot of faith in your relationship. You were a kid when it started. Most people are still kids at 20. I''m 22 and I''m still a kid. It''s okay if this doesn''t work out. You''ll wake up the next day, eat breakfast, do your work, and get on with life. It''ll be hard, sure, but life will go on. Don''t stay with him because you don''t know what will happen if you don''t. You''ll live. That''s what will happen.


And for Pete''s sake, pay him back for the computer. It is something you need for your studies and your career, it should be an expense you cover (or your parents, if they''re kind enough to help pay for your education). But your boyfriend? Trips, fine. But a necessity...part of being an adult is paying your own way, and if you want him and everybody else to treat you like one, you need to start really, truly acting like one. And that includes respecting boundaries in other people''s homes.


Sorry if that came out harsh, but I think it needed to be said.

100% agree with all of your post. If you want to be treated like an adult, then you do need to act like one, which includes paying your own way and having respect for your bf''s parents in their house.

 

[HollyS]

You''ve got four pages of posts in response to this, and I confess I have not read them. Based on your post, I''m sure that the responses will be quite entertaining, and I''ll just have to peruse. But ''til then . . .

I have just a few things to say:

1) It is their house. Not yours. Not your boyfirend''s. Theirs. To come and go, in and out, whenever, however, wherever they choose. Regardless of your need for privacy. And no, they don''t have to accomodate you. If it were my house, you wouldn''t be essentially living in my son''s bedroom.

2) Put some clothes on. Don''t sleep naked in someone else''s house. Especially not with their son.

3) Go home. Or get an apartment.

4) If you''re old enough to have sex, and bold enough to do it under your BF''s parent''s roof, then you''re old enough to stop expecting others to be bit players in the drama that is youir life (which is what you''ve relegated his parents to), and bold enough to go out and get a life that doesn''t ''use'' other people. As you are ''using'' his parents.

5) Step back and get some perspective. Who the heck made you so important that you could just move in with them, or stay whenever you feel like it, and expect them to treat you like a guest at all times? This isn''t about courtesy on their part, it''s about ''entitlement'' on your part.

 

[lasscreative]

Hello Ladies!

I have taken the time to sit down and do a bit more in depth thinking about this situation. When I wrote all this I was clearly very angry very frustrated and not being very fair. And I have come to a realisation.

MOST Of the issues I was having attributed to me sleeping over there and I did expect to be granted some privacy and you are allllllll right I do not deserve it in that house. When I go back, I won't be sleeping there. I will not like going back but for my boyfriend who has been suffering (more then me) I will have to go over and just grin and bear it for his sake and the sake of our relationship.

I posted on this forum about this issue because it had been 3 months and my head was still in the same place as the night I left and I thought surely I still can't feel this way. I spoke to my mother, my best friend, older ladies at work who I trust and know me to get advice and help and it was all different and all didn't help that much cause I still felt the same way. I thought posting on this site would help because all the responses would be equal and you can't be biased because you don't know either of us and you will see it as it is.

I know there are other ladies on this forum who just do not get along with their MIL/FMIL and unfortunately I will be one them too. I will still be nice, polite, help her out and just hope some day we can sit around the table and have a cuppa and chat. (Her English is okay. Its just the big words and she can't read or write)

But until R and I move out it we will have to play by their rules at their house.

(E.T.A not that I think this makes much of a difference now that I don't sleep there but it caused so much of an up roar that needs to be cleared up. I didn't sleep there naked but I probably am not wearing enough either. I wear underwear and a singlet. So when the mother was shaking the sheets around hugging them, she nearly saw my naked legs. But I wouldn't be comfortable in them seeing me in underwear and a singlet so therefore it probably isn't enough. But when the dad came into the room that night I was indeed naked (well just a bra) because it was just after.....)

And to some of the ladies who said that they just wouldn't get intimate under the parents roof. Can I just ask. If you both live at home, then where do you get intimate? (I am not being catty, I would really like to know)

R isn't hasn't happy with the status quo at home, BUT until we are out and in our own paradise!!! This is the way it is.

Thanks ladies, you gave me the talking too that I needed! (clearly)

DUST to everyone for Thanksgiving tomorrow and for Christmas!!!! Looking forward to happier posts then this one about proposals!!!!

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 11/26/2008 6:13:25 PM
Author: lasscreative

And to some of the ladies who said that they just wouldn''t get intimate under the parents roof. Can I just ask. If you both live at home, then where do you get intimate? (I am not being catty, I would really like to know)

A hotel room. Only high schoolers do it in their parents'' house. Especially when they''re home? Come on now...

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 11/26/2008 6:52:37 PM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 11/26/2008 6:13:25 PM
Author: lasscreative

And to some of the ladies who said that they just wouldn''t get intimate under the parents roof. Can I just ask. If you both live at home, then where do you get intimate? (I am not being catty, I would really like to know)

A hotel room. Only high schoolers do it in their parents'' house. Especially when they''re home? Come on now...

LOL, SO and I are going to visit our families together over the Holidays, and we are both a bit at a loss for what to do. A hotel is not really an option, as it is a bit, um, explicit, in its purpose

. We only see each other once a month, so X-mas will be it until January... and IF he does propose, I WOULD like to be able to celebrate, with only my ring on!

Haha, okay, sorry for the TMI. We did use a car once... how is THAT for high school-esque!

 

[Inanna]

Date: 11/26/2008 6:52:37 PM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 11/26/2008 6:13:25 PM

Author: lasscreative


And to some of the ladies who said that they just wouldn''t get intimate under the parents roof. Can I just ask. If you both live at home, then where do you get intimate? (I am not being catty, I would really like to know)

A hotel room. Only high schoolers do it in their parents'' house. Especially when they''re home? Come on now...

LOL! In my case, I went to hotel rooms even in high school... or cars

. NEVER at parents'' house. Just the idea is mortifying to me. I''m 29 and engaged and even now when we visit the parents/grandparents we wear flannel pajamas to bed... no touching below the waist whatsoever! Truly.

 

[lasscreative]

Well we did the car thing!! And well it sucks!!! And I tell you what is more Mortifying that doing it in your bf''s parents house is when a policeman taps on the window asking if I am alright and if I want to be there (i.e not getting raped!!!) Yes this did happen!!!!!!!!!!! and I haven''t done it in the car since!

And we have been to hotel rooms but that gets kind of expensive and neither of your parents know where we are. (cause umm why are we at a hotel room... ding ding jackpot, they will know straight away!)

When we do live together and we sleep over at parents house we will keep our hands off cause we can wait until we are back home but when home is the only option then thats what we just have to do. We are courteous. We don''t make a sound! Cause that just makes it uncomfortable for everyone, unlike his sister!! LOL

 

[FrekeChild]

If you''re an adult, your parents don''t need to know where you are.

This thread...has gotten interesting. Frankly, if both FF and I lived at home, we wouldn''t be getting intimate. Unless we were staying at a hotel. I think you need to continue to reevaluate. You sound like a horny teenager who can''t keep her pants on. (No offense intended, I remember those days.) But it it''s not doing your case that you''re a self-sufficient adult any favors.

Seriously. This is reminding me of when I was about 16.

 

[sparkel]

I just wanted to put something out there. I''m pretty sure that I have read this whole thread. I think that Lass has done a really good job remaining very caalm regards of the comments that were directed at her about her problem. I think that there have been many times on PS where people ask for an opinion on similar issues and then procede to be very confrontational to those who reply. And while everyone has been implying how imature she is I feel that throughout this thread she has always been appreciative of the feedback which has in some cases has been very blunt. I think that she deserves some credit for actually listening to the advice that has been offered with an open mind and a consistently pleasant demeanor.


Rebecca

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 11/26/2008 9:15:19 PM
Author: sparkel
I just wanted to put something out there. I''m pretty sure that I have read this whole thread. I think that Lass has done a really good job remaining very caalm regards of the comments that were directed at her about her problem. I think that there have been many times on PS where people ask for an opinion on similar issues and then procede to be very confrontational to those who reply. And while everyone has been implying how imature she is I feel that throughout this thread she has always been appreciative of the feedback which has in some cases has been very blunt. I think that she deserves some credit for actually listening to the advice that has been offered with an open mind and a consistently pleasant demeanor.




Rebecca

I definitely agree with you

 

[girlie-girl]

Wow you''re lucky you didn''t get arrested for that... you certainly would have here, even if you did want to be in the car participating. It''s just not something you''re "allowed" to do in public.

I''ll give my blunt opinion (yet again lol) and say that if you''re not brave enough to fess up to being intimate with this man at your age, then perhaps you shouldn''t be intimate? Do you think your parents are stupid and think you two sleep together up to four nights a week and don''t do anything? Give everyone some credit. The only ones who think they''re getting away with it is you. What ever happened to being an adult and saying ''we''re going to go away and spend the night together somewhere,'' when you have to fulfill that need? If your parents are really okay with you sleeping at HIS house, what would the difference be? I guess part of being an adult and acting like an adult is accepting the consequences of our actions, not trying to hide and sneak around like a little child.

What would happen if, God forbid, your birth control method failed and you became pregnant? (I''m giving the benefit of the doubt here that you''re using bc.) If you''ve not owned up to your actions thus far, how on earth would you explain that? My Dad always taught me to ''take my lumps up front'' meaning own your actions, tell the truth about it, and accept any consequences arising from it. If you''re not willing to ''suffer'' the consequences, then the action isn''t worth it.

As the two ladies above my post said, I am happy to see you keep coming back and participating here lass. I don''t believe for one second any of us giving advice are trying to be mean or hurtful, so I hope you realize that. I''d be saying the same things if you were my little sister or a personal friend. Actually, I''d most likely be A LOT more blunt, but that''s neither here nor there.

 

[lasscreative]

Date: 11/27/2008 8:30:59 AM
Author: girlie-girl
Wow you''re lucky you didn''t get arrested for that... you certainly would have here, even if you did want to be in the car participating. It''s just not something you''re ''allowed'' to do in public.


I''ll give my blunt opinion (yet again lol) and say that if you''re not brave enough to fess up to being intimate with this man at your age, then perhaps you shouldn''t be intimate? Do you think your parents are stupid and think you two sleep together up to four nights a week and don''t do anything? Give everyone some credit. The only ones who think they''re getting away with it is you. What ever happened to being an adult and saying ''we''re going to go away and spend the night together somewhere,'' when you have to fulfill that need? If your parents are really okay with you sleeping at HIS house, what would the difference be? I guess part of being an adult and acting like an adult is accepting the consequences of our actions, not trying to hide and sneak around like a little child.


What would happen if, God forbid, your birth control method failed and you became pregnant? (I''m giving the benefit of the doubt here that you''re using bc.) If you''ve not owned up to your actions thus far, how on earth would you explain that? My Dad always taught me to ''take my lumps up front'' meaning own your actions, tell the truth about it, and accept any consequences arising from it. If you''re not willing to ''suffer'' the consequences, then the action isn''t worth it.

As the two ladies above my post said, I am happy to see you keep coming back and participating here lass. I don''t believe for one second any of us giving advice are trying to be mean or hurtful, so I hope you realize that. I''d be saying the same things if you were my little sister or a personal friend. Actually, I''d most likely be A LOT more blunt, but that''s neither here nor there.

Yes, you are being very blunt, but I do believe you a bordering on being mean. I think you are enjoying getting all high and mighty on me. I think a lot of people have seen my age and gone, sheeesh and amoured up and taken the parent role with me and fired big time.

Of course EVERYONE knows that we are sexual active with each other. I am not that naive! I think both sets of parents, although knowing that we do it, don''t need to be reminded when we announce we are going to a hotel.

The issue her wasn''t that I sleep at his house, and god forbid make love to each other in one of the few places we can. You obvioulsy have different values to me and that''s great. I appreciate that and Ill accept that, but it seems that you cannot accept me for what I do at his house which you obviously do not agree with. I am not asking you to agree.

The issue here was do I go back to his house and rekindle a relationship with his parents. (and No I will not sleep there anymore.)

A lot of people are putting doubt on my relationship with my boyfriend, that was not there in the first place and I don''t feel that was your place to do that when I came here asking about advice to cope with his parents. Yes I agree that some parts are on the onerous of my boyfriend and his parents, not me and my boyfriend.

I think I have all the advice I need to do something with regards to his family so before this gets out of hand.

Thank you to EVERYONE! I really mean it.

(Just a reminder. This is the internet and we are all typing, you can''t type the way you would say it out aloud so the nuance of your post might come across differently to the way you expected or intended and I have taken that into consideration with all replies)

 

[trillionaire]

Good luck! Happy (American) Thanksgiving!

 

[Deelight]

Date: 11/27/2008 9:07:09 AM
Author: lasscreative

Date: 11/27/2008 8:30:59 AM

Author: girlie-girl

The issue here was do I go back to his house and rekindle a relationship with his parents. (and No I will not sleep there anymore.)

Well personally all the other stuff aside I think if you want to marry the man the parents will be a big part of your and his life so it would help if you all got along to some extent.

 

[lasscreative]

I agree!

No sleeping at his house will eliminate a lot of the issues I was having! So that''s a great start that most of the problems are solvable (Is this a word?? spell checked it okay... hmmm?)

I will just have to be more accepting and more charming.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 11/27/2008 10:01:45 AM
Author: lasscreative
I agree!


No sleeping at his house will eliminate a lot of the issues I was having! So that''s a great start that most of the problems are solvable (Is this a word?? spell checked it okay... hmmm?)


I will just have to be more accepting and more charming.

A little will go a long way, just some ideas you could always try and learn some Croatian to impress his parents if you already don''t know any, it isn''t hard once you get the hang of it.

Also you could ask his mum to teach you to cook traditional foods it might be a way for you both to bond .

 

[girlie-girl]

My apologies for coming across mean lass, I truly did not intend to be. I am not a mean spirited person but do agree typed words come across harsh. You can't see the concern on my face and in my body language as I type afterall. In case it was lost among my other words, I do wish the best for you and hope that you're able to make things right with everyone and be happy.

As I said before, I was just giving advice as though you were my little sister or friend and perhaps that was my mistake.

I do think you should try and work things out with his parents. I also love the idea of learning some Croatian to help show you're trying your best to meet them half way. I wonder too if you might be willing to help out his Mom when she needs things. Perhaps this will lighten her heart with regard to you if she can see you as adding to her family, rather than taking away from it (i.e. making him choose between his family and you). It may be extremely tough to do, but if you really want this man in your life, I'm sure it'll be worth it. Start with the little things and as you become more comfortable again, you'll know what's appropriate. You may never have that fairytale relationship with them, but at least you'll know you tried.

 

[ladypirate]

So much has already been said that I''m not going to add to it, but I did want to say that I don''t think it''s weird to be intimate in parent''s homes. If K and I are visiting one of our parents for several days, we''re not going to abstain for the whole time!

We just make sure to wash the sheets at the end of our stay.

Granted, we also have great relationships with ours and each others parents, but I honestly think that they expect it. They do put us in a room on the opposite side of the house.

 

[Tuckins1]

Date: 11/25/2008 11:39:36 AM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 11/25/2008 10:45:10 AM

Author: lasscreative


In Australia, you need 20% deposit. In Sydney a house in a somewhat ok suburb is 650k. Thats 130k He just put that into getting that other house paid off, which we couldn't do anything until that mortgage was gone.


So now we need to start fresh. He does have savings on the side to at least start us off but its not up around 130k mark

I had no idea housing in Australia was so expensive! Fascinating! Glad you have the 20% down policy, too! The darned financial crisis could have been somewhat avoided had Americans been 'required' to put down 20% rather than 0% on a ARM

Yeah.. That is mostly due to faulty lending practices and de-regulation of the banking/mortgage brokers. Don't just blame us "greedy Americans"

rude

BTW- My mortgage is paid off... I didn't contribute to the mortgage crisis, and I am an American.

 

[FrekeChild]

BTW, Trillionaire is an American...

 

[babygirl]

Good luck having a chat with your boyfriend, Lass. It sounds like that will really help you out. I think it''s so important to be able to discuss your expectations and frustrations with your partner. I don''t blame you for being frustrated that he doesn''t stick up for you with his parents- you should make sure he knows how much that affects you. You should make sure that, even if the two of you aren''t on the same page just yet, you find out which page he IS on.. good communication is the key to a great relationship.

Also, I agree with most everyone else about sleeping over at his parents'' house, especially since they seem to be prowling around an awful lot. Although I''d like to point out that yes-while it is THEIR house and they have a right to go from room to room as they please, they seem to be really pretty obnoxious and borderline nuts. Never in my life have I heard of someone barging in on a guest, let alone a couple staying in the same room. If you''re OK with the idea of your son and his girlfriend sharing a room, then you really ought to grow up and respect his privacy. When my boyfriend and I are at my parents'' house, my parents keep us as far apart as possible. However, if I''m ever staying at his parents'' house, we stay in the same room (though usually in separate beds)-but not once have they ever even knocked on the bedroom door when they knew we were in there. While I think that you should make sure you''re covered up if/when you stay there, I also think their behavior is rude and appalling!

I think trying to get to know your boyfriend''s parents better is a great idea. Ordinarily, I''d probably tell you to just avoid them if possible (because they DO seem um, overbearing, to say the least), but if you plan to spend the rest of your life with this man and he''s veryclose to them, it doesn''t seem like they''ll be out of the picture. Good luck with everything!!

 

[Tuckins1]

Date: 11/28/2008 12:19:24 AM
Author: FrekeChild
BTW, Trillionaire is an American...

Well, I still found that comment rude.

But, the great thing about this country is that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and has the right to express it! No ill will here.

And yes, a lot of people did not do their research and did not know what they were doing!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 11/28/2008 10:51:10 AM
Author: Tuckins1

Date: 11/28/2008 12:19:24 AM
Author: FrekeChild
BTW, Trillionaire is an American...

Well, I still found that comment rude.

But, the great thing about this country is that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and has the right to express it! No ill will here.

And yes, a lot of people did not do their research and did not know what they were doing!

I think this comment was bit misconstrued. I never said Americans were greedy. I do think that our banking and financial system is set up for instant gratification. Yes, Americans were given shady loans wrecklessly by companies, but the loans would not have been unsustainable if we had a requirement to put 20% down. Americans think that you should be able to buy a house with little to nothing down, and yes, I think that that mentality deserves scrutiny. And I think the current crises bares out the validity of such an assessment. Certainly there are millions of responsible owners/buyers who are affected in other ways for other reasons, but the 20% down principle is something that couples and individuals can control on their own.

Most Americans would blanche at the idea of saving $120K for a $650K starter home. That was the point of my comment, to talk about the different cultural orientations toward home buying.

I was impressed by how mature Lass sounded as she described patiently waiting and saving the 20% towards the new home with FF.

Sorry for the threadjack!

 

[jbazz]

You said he was the eldest son and something about them not being native to your country (not sure where you are located). Chances are what is coming across as rude to you is a cultural difference. And as far as the mommas boy thing goes, I dont think that ever changes, at least not easily. I seem to attract mommas boys myself so I have had a few relationships with them. He has to be the one to tell her to back off, it wont work coming from you. And if he doesnt understand that he needs to, well making him do it against his will is only a recipe for diseaster.

Any chance he could transfer away from his mother?

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Date: 11/23/2008 11:27:59 AM
Author: lasscreative
So about the engagement ring!!!

Where the hell is it??? But I can understand a little bit. I mean who would want to go home and tell their parents that they just got engaged to people who really don''t care.

and I did tell him once that I would fell stupid if I was still sleeping in my tiny bedroom in my parents house with a ring on my finger. What does the ring represent at that stage... well love, but you don''t need to give me a ring! I already know that!!!

But he feels that he can''t move out unless he is at least engaged to someone. (parents would prefer married) but we ain''t waiting that long!!!!!!

He''s 27, still attached at the hip to he parents, and you''re 20, acting like this, it''s not a surprise there is no ring yet. Relationships are hard work, for a number of reasons. Sounds like immaturity is rearing it''s ugly head.

From all your posting, it seems very premature to be thinking about marriage. You have so many more issues to tackle before getting engaged. Try to make good with his family, because this isn''t going to change on it''s own. If he''s that close with his family, his mother is going to have more pull than you think - if she doesn''t like you, she''s not going to stand for her son marrying you.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Tuckins1]

Date: 11/28/2008 3:39:55 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 11/28/2008 10:51:10 AM

Author: Tuckins1

Date: 11/28/2008 12:19:24 AM

Author: FrekeChild

BTW, Trillionaire is an American...

Well, I still found that comment rude.


But, the great thing about this country is that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and has the right to express it! No ill will here.

And yes, a lot of people did not do their research and did not know what they were doing!

I think this comment was bit misconstrued. I never said Americans were greedy. I do think that our banking and financial system is set up for instant gratification. Yes, Americans were given shady loans wrecklessly by companies, but the loans would not have been unsustainable if we had a requirement to put 20% down. Americans think that you should be able to buy a house with little to nothing down, and yes, I think that that mentality deserves scrutiny. And I think the current crises bares out the validity of such an assessment. Certainly there are millions of responsible owners/buyers who are affected in other ways for other reasons, but the 20% down principle is something that couples and individuals can control on their own.


Most Americans would blanche at the idea of saving $120K for a $650K starter home. That was the point of my comment, to talk about the different cultural orientations toward home buying.

I was impressed by how mature Lass sounded as she described patiently waiting and saving the 20% towards the new home with FF.


Sorry for the threadjack!

True enough!

 

[Miscka]

Date: 11/25/2008 7:03:53 PM
Author: princesss
Okay, I''ve been thinking about this post for a while, and there are a few things I can''t get over:


1) You were in his parents home, sleeping naked. Naked. And you got upset that his father came in to a room in a house that he owns. I haven''t read too many of the comments, but I can''t be the only one who thinks that''s a bit off. In your own house, where you pay for the roof over your head, you are entitled to sleep however you like, and people have to knock before they come in. When you are in somebody else''s house (and yes, this includes your parents'' house), you play by their rules. They do not HAVE to knock, it''s their house. Anything you may be allowed to do there is a courtesy that you do not have a right to.


2) You need to put the big girl pants on and talk to him. A serious, heartfelt, talk about where you guys are really going, about the relationship you have with his parents (they''re not going away, and if you can''t handle them, get out now), about his relationship with his parents...about everything. And then you need to cowgirl up and ACCEPT what he says. He may be perfectly happy with the status quo, and if that''s the case, you''re not going to be able to change that. So you need to decide what you''re going to do if he is happy with things and doesn''t want to change.


But honestly? If you''re asking a group of strangers on the internet if you should break up with him, and you get defensive when people bring up valid issues, it sounds like you don''t have a lot of faith in your relationship. You were a kid when it started. Most people are still kids at 20. I''m 22 and I''m still a kid. It''s okay if this doesn''t work out. You''ll wake up the next day, eat breakfast, do your work, and get on with life. It''ll be hard, sure, but life will go on. Don''t stay with him because you don''t know what will happen if you don''t. You''ll live. That''s what will happen.


And for Pete''s sake, pay him back for the computer. It is something you need for your studies and your career, it should be an expense you cover (or your parents, if they''re kind enough to help pay for your education). But your boyfriend? Trips, fine. But a necessity...part of being an adult is paying your own way, and if you want him and everybody else to treat you like one, you need to start really, truly acting like one. And that includes respecting boundaries in other people''s homes.


Sorry if that came out harsh, but I think it needed to be said.

DITTO.