His parent and ME! - Help

[lasscreative]

Ok I thought I would make a collective topic, because most of your are getting bits and pieces of my problems all over the place. So here it is.

I am 20, my partner is 27. I live at home with my family he lives at home with his. He is the eldest of 3 and ''mummies little boy'' We have been boyfriend/girlfriend for nearly 4 years.

My relationship with his parents hasn''t been that great (it was okay for the first few months) and then I realised what type of people they are.
His mother:
She would start to ask me things in broken english (because she hasn''t been bothered to learn in the 30yrs she has been here) "How much do I weigh? her response "oh when I was your age I weighed a lot less then what I weigh now, but that''s because I have had children" she is just in some weird sort of competition that I care not to take part in. she would ask me how much I earn even though I work part time I earn nearly what she earns, which is sad really. The only thing I admire about her is that she is a hard worker, but she could have found a better, easy, well paying job if she really put her mind to it. She would ask me what I cook, what size my clothes are!! My boyfriend bought me a tiffany & Co. necklace for my birthday this year and she comes in just as I am putting it on my neck and looking in the mirror to admire and asks me "How much did that cost?????" Ummmm???? "How rude are you???? Its my birthday present! I don''t know!!!!!!" Of course I didn''t say anything??? I NEVER know what to say in the situation I have no idea how to deal with this woman?? She makes me uncomfortable and uneasy. But that is not what makes me resent her the most.

I use to sleep at their house at most 4 times a week because I was closer to work (which I asked permission for and I understood it was okay for me to sleep there) This is where my blood starts to boil. When I slept over, it was as if I wasn''t even there! Nothing changed. She can''t drive (I mean why does she have to drive, she has a son who will take her where ever her heart wants) SO, my partner needs to drive her around as if they are married to each other!!! She has 2 jobs and works all hours. My boyfriend works hard and long hours and then has to get up all hours of the night to pick her up or drive her to work. It''s not fair! She interrupts both of our sleeping patterns! And if she didn''t work that night, that doesn''t matter she just comes into our bedroom at 4, 5, 6am and fiddles with stuff! Opens the windows, opens drawers, comes round to my side of the bed (nearest the wall) I have no idea what she is doing but I can''t stand it. I don''t know if this will sound weird. But I am vulnerable when I am sleeping and I don''t think people should come into the bedroom. She wakes me up everytime she comes in. She also wakes my boy up to tell him something!
The Dad also comes into the room as well. One time my boyfriend got up to watch football on his laptop in the middle of the night, the father thought there wouldn''t be a problem coming in (no knock no nothing) and pulling up a chair and watching it with him while I am naked!!!!! and asleep in the bed! Like what if I got hot and pushed the blankets down unintentionally????

Stay tuned....

 

[purselover]

I''m glad you decided to share with us what''s been going on. I too have had my fair share of problems with SO''s parents in the past, so I really do feel for you. I have no idea if this is the case of course, but I don''t think they mean to be offensive. I''ve had members of SO''s family ask how much things have cost I don''t think to be rude, but just out of curiosity. His grandmother asked me my size, and then explained she wanted to keep an eye out for clothes I might like. It''s weird his dad came in and watched tv in the night but he prob didn''t realize your clothing situation and is just comfortable with you. Have you told your SO these specific examples of what bothers you? What does he have to say? Family is a touchy subject for most but it really is something that needs to be worked on and discussed. It seems to me like his family is just comfortable with you so they forget certain niceties.

 

[neatfreak]

Just a question, but are you guys of the same culture? The things his parents do seem like very familiar stories among certain cultures, where what you are describing is the norm.

 

[lasscreative]

They just have no idea!!! They have 1 bathroom in their house and it is always occupied in the morning, I need to go to work so I just get changed in his room, but that''s a problem cause they just waltz on in!!!! No idea!!!! There is a female co-habitating with your son who is not related to you!!!!!!!!!!!! They don''t learn either. I have been caught yanking down a top sooooooo many timesssssss! There is no lock either cause my boyfriends room is practically a thoroughfare to the sun room at the front, which they just love to go to allll the time!!!!

Another part that just gets to me is that my boyfriend is practically married to his mum. His parents are married but the father lives at another house because they had to build it on land they had because of some tax and they are afraid squatters will come live in it, so he is there most of the time (but my boyfriend assures me they are happily married... weird!) So he takes on the role of driving her EVERYWHERE!!!!!! (this was going on even when the dad was living there full time)

It was my boyfriends birthday!!! We were snuggling in bed enjoying a rare sleep in, to be woken up by her demanding to go to the markets!!! Ummmm!!! she said "Come on, children!!! Why you sleep in so late?" It was 8 friggen 30!!!! on a saturday!!! I say "It''s R''s bday today" She looks shocked and proceeds to embrace him in this wretched cuddle and sway him about while the blankets are coming off, uncovering my not so covered body!! SCREAMING "My son my son!!!!" Are you nuts!!! She then ordered him out of bed to take her!!!!

I cooked him breakfast (the plan was in bed) But it was cold by the time they got back. So I cooked some more eggs and she thought I couldn''t cook eggs and snatched the pan out of my hands and goes "This is how you make eggs" and proceeds to burn them ! I have no problems making eggs thank you!!! What are you suppose to do in this situation!! I was screaming in my head for her to just Go the Eff AWAY!!!!

The thing that led me not seeing them again was.....

Stay tuned....

 

[bee*]

It does sound like a pain but as it''s there house that you''re staying in, there really doesn''t seem to be much that you can do about it. It''s up to your SO to put his foot down.

 

[Steel]

Hi Lasscreative.

Goodness. I can see why you are feeling how you do! Personally I would see it as a blotch on my boyfriend and it would concern me as to how tightly those apron strings were. I would worry if he has a set of boundarys and if so where they are. It is not insurmountable but it would bug the pants off me!

You do not want to come off as a naggy nancy but really, a girl does not need to be nit picked all the live long day and father in law to be needs to not be in the bedroom. He may not have known you were in your birthday suit but your BF probably did and he should have taken better care of you and your feelings.

I would choose my battles carefully as it is possible to win the battle in this type of situation and lose the war. If you haul him up all the time; considering that he is obviously comfortable in his childhood family unit, you might damage your own new(er) relationship. It is best really if he grows towards you and away from those apron strings. He is only 27.

Is he worth the wait?

 

[Deelight]

Date: 11/23/2008 10:38:14 AM
Author: neatfreak
Just a question, but are you guys of the same culture? The things his parents do seem like very familiar stories among certain cultures, where what you are describing is the norm.

Ditto

I am going to assume (correct me if I am wrong) but that his parents most likely emigrated from Europe way back when - presumed from personal experience growing up in a European household and amongst many emigrated Europeans. A lot of what you describe I could attest to my own growing up, though my dad would have never come into the bedroom while I my sister or another girl was in there - that is way over the line. I also grew up with quite a few boys that were mummy''s little angels which is probably the reason why I chose to get married to an Aussie, they were all lovely boys but I couldn''t deal with any of that stuff.

If you want things to change you have a tough long frustrating battle ahead of you.

 

[lasscreative]

I invited my boyfriend to my house for a massive bbq! Every one had taken part in preparing the meal and it was going to be a good night!! Until!!!!! His phone rings!!
His mother wants to be picked up from work and the brother wants to go to a party!!!! (well tough you are about to go out R is already out so you have to pick her up) but the other brother didn''t want to and in the end my boyfriend had to pick her up. which is just under an hours drive from my house! and Right when dinner is getting served!! This happens often!!!! What makes me really furious is that she has a husband he should be picking her up!!! why does my boyfriend need to leave his dinner and drive all that way????

This was really it for me! I had to give him the ultimatum!!! I told him if he left that was it!!! and he did. He pleaded with me, but he didn''t have much time cause mummy dearest was waiting. He told me he would promise things would be different! SO he went and picked her up (p.s my parents weren''t too pleased he left while dinner was just served after the effort everyone had put in) he picked her up and took her home and told her that he would never pick her up again if he was already out and that she would have to make other arrangements!!!! That seemed fair enough until the next night. I went over his house and found his dad there as well. he normally didn''t go over on that day of the week. I found that pretty strange.

We were chatting on his bed, mid sentence, his dad calls his name from the other room (this happens alllll the time!!!!! Like I was saying something you rude *******) GRRRRR

His Dad was questioning him on his outburst last night saying he wouldn''t pick his wife up if he was out. The argument was half in english half in Croatian, you don''t have to know Croatian to know what was going on, you know what I mean! The dad was getting upset that his cushy lifestyle was in jeopardy because their son was refusing to conform any more and he wouldn''t have a bar of it. It was starting to escalate and The mum was saying "SO what, so what" Really nasty!! "I don''t care, I don''t care!!" about that he wouldn''t leave me to pick her up if he was out!! This just goes to show that they have no idea who I am. They do not care about me or what I mean to their son! They both don''t give a toss about me and that I am in love with their son and want to marry him and as does him with me!!!

They have no idea that we are a couple looking to find happiness in each other and love for the rest of our lives!!! They don''t care just as they said. just as long as R is at her beck and call all the time and the dad doesn''t need to have a fulltime husband role to her.

I wasn''t in the room but then the fight got physically with the dad lunging at R with his nails and scratching and drawing blood from his neck (what a low life) R kept pushing him away and saying " I am not a child anymore" (I had no idea that any of this went on!!) I didn''t know what to do, I was frozen I didn''t want to intervene for fear. He kept lunging back at him until he lost his breath and needed some water. The whole time the mum (she was in the room) was concerned about the welfare of her husband and not R!!!

The mum and the dad went for a walk and R was sitting with me, while I cleaned up the bits of blood. That was it for me! I had lost the last remaining respect for them.

When they came back the mum goes to me "What do you know???" thats all she said (she always askes me weird stuff which I have no idea how to answer!!) Ok what do I know!!! Hmmm I can think of a million harsh things to say right now!!! but I just said "what do you mean what do I know?? what does that mean??" and she walked off.

20 mins later I wanted to leave! I have never been around violence. My parents barely raise their voices to each other!

I was telling R that I just wanted to go and that I no longer want to be here. The mum caught sight of the bag on my back and asked whats going on!! She is sooooo nosey!!!!! go away this is to with my and my boyfriend not you!!!!!!!!! Arghhhh! I was at the tether of my calmness and I cracked it! I did tell her to go away (to which she stayed firmly where she was) I did tell her that I didn''t neeed a third person in my relationship!! and other things but I can''t remember now.

I haven''t been to that house since (that was about 3 months ago). I dislike is father. I dislike his mother.

It is hurting the relationship because R does have a strong connection with his family (although a tainted one) and we both live at home so its hard to see each other as much as we wish, and it isn''t fair that he comes to my house all the time. But all I know is I don''t want to go back!

We are trying to save for a house (hence my comment before!) because if they are taking away from mine and his happy future I will be furious!!

Thanks for reading!!!! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

[lasscreative]

Ohh just one thing to add! I forgot.

Part of the reason my I don''t go back is cause.... In one ear R has me telling him not to pick her up and to put his foot down and in the other ear he had HER!!!!!! Telling him to do as she wishes!

So she isn''t going anytime sooon, so I took myself out of the equation for my boyfriends sake! I am not convinced this was the right thing to do, but my sanity is much stable these days! But I am not making progress on him cutting the cord.

 

[purselover]

Just curious, why doesn''t your boyfriend move out? He''s 27 years old and shouldn''t be relying on his parents any more than they rely on him. I understand he''s saving for a house, but there''s always renting. I really don''t understand why people live in these situations for so long, just get your own apartment. It shouldn''t be you have to buy a house, or live at home. Unless of course he likes living at home....in which case that''s a whole other problem.

 

[Deelight]

Lass, seriously I feel sorry for you and I really feel sorry for R the poor bugger is really caught between a rock and a hard place I don''t know what I can advise really as like I said it is going to be hard, it is really not just his love for you or his mum but also your asking him to go against what is expected of him within his culture and his parents are so entrenched in the way things should be I would hazard to guess they will never change.

 

[lasscreative]

Date: 11/23/2008 11:12:56 AM
Author: purselover
Just curious, why doesn''t your boyfriend move out? He''s 27 years old and shouldn''t be relying on his parents any more than they rely on him. I understand he''s saving for a house, but there''s always renting. I really don''t understand why people live in these situations for so long, just get your own apartment. It shouldn''t be you have to buy a house, or live at home. Unless of course he likes living at home....in which case that''s a whole other problem.

I know I know!!!!!! I have pleaded with him!!! He is really against renting, he feels you are picking up your money and chucking it back down again! He also feels if we rent we won''t enter the property market as a buyer for agessss and he really wants us to start on the right foot.

I am just about to graduate, I have been a full time student with a part time job so I couldn''t really help out financially. I will be working full time in 2 weeks and every cent I earn is going on house deposit fund!!! I divide my time up with studying/working/pricescoping and looking at real estate!!!!!!!!!!

 

[lasscreative]

Date: 11/23/2008 11:20:15 AM
Author: Deelight
Lass, seriously I feel sorry for you and I really feel sorry for R the poor bugger is really caught between a rock and a hard place I don''t know what I can advise really as like I said it is going to be hard, it is really not just his love for you or his mum but also your asking him to go against what is expected of him within his culture and his parents are so entrenched in the way things should be I would hazard to guess they will never change.

Of course they will never change! I know that. I just want us to live happily ever after with their time in our life being minimal to non existence! (I don''t say that to my so though) Just hint!

 

[lasscreative]

So about the engagement ring!!!

Where the hell is it??? But I can understand a little bit. I mean who would want to go home and tell their parents that they just got engaged to people who really don''t care.

and I did tell him once that I would fell stupid if I was still sleeping in my tiny bedroom in my parents house with a ring on my finger. What does the ring represent at that stage... well love, but you don''t need to give me a ring! I already know that!!!

But he feels that he can''t move out unless he is at least engaged to someone. (parents would prefer married) but we ain''t waiting that long!!!!!!

 

[lasscreative]

Date: 11/23/2008 10:35:23 AM
Author: purselover
I'm glad you decided to share with us what's been going on. I too have had my fair share of problems with SO's parents in the past, so I really do feel for you. I have no idea if this is the case of course, but I don't think they mean to be offensive. I've had members of SO's family ask how much things have cost I don't think to be rude, but just out of curiosity. His grandmother asked me my size, and then explained she wanted to keep an eye out for clothes I might like. It's weird his dad came in and watched tv in the night but he prob didn't realize your clothing situation and is just comfortable with you. Have you told your SO these specific examples of what bothers you? What does he have to say? Family is a touchy subject for most but it really is something that needs to be worked on and discussed. It seems to me like his family is just comfortable with you so they forget certain niceties.

No, it is not like that at all!!! There is no mutual bonding going on at all. I have bought many gift's for the mother over time and have never received one back (I now understand, they just don't do the gift thing in their house) she was not hoping to look out for clothes for me! She rarely goes out (only to work and grocery shopping. They are bare necessity type people). She does not socialise at all. They have been here for 30 years and haven't made 1 single friend, not from church, not from work, not from anything. That just goes to show the type of people they are!

They want it to be a way that they can carry on their lives the way they would as if I wasn't there. So why should they think twice about walking into the room??? FURIOUS!

 

[Steel]

As you are combining your topics here was my comment on your other thread answering the e-ring question... https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/liw-tough-times.100544/


Date: 11/23/2008 2:43:21 AM
Author:lasscreative
Hey Ladies!!!

I have been coping reasonably well until yesterday! I found the ring receipt (That''s not a problem, I was there when we put the order down and I know how much it costs.) the problem is he has only made 2 payments on it. The first was the down payment to start the custom work (07.13.0 and one other (09.11.0 !!!!!!! There is still over half owing.

What has he been doing for over 2 months!! We had a conversation in Mid August (I think around then) or September and I was under the impression it was paid. He is a smart boy, he wouldn''t have committed to purchasing if it was too expensive, he is not one to keep quiet when he doesn''t agree. I know he has the money to pay it off. I am just not sure what the go is?? I was expecting a proposal early December (and that is around the corner) but I am blown off course now.

Tell me what was your tough time in lady in waiting land!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Hello again lasscreative,

I am so sorry to say this to you and I hope I do not offend you too much...

Perhaps it is too soon for a proposal and engagement. If your BF wants to propose and money is not a concern then perhaps something else is. A man that wants to be engaged will pop the question, if he doesn''t he won''t. And, (sorry) if he does not want it yet then you will not do yourself any favours forcing the issue.

Take care.

Date: 11/23/2008 11:27:59 AM
Author: lasscreative
So about the engagement ring!!!

Where the hell is it??? But I can understand a little bit. I mean who would want to go home and tell their parents that they just got engaged to people who really don''t care.

and I did tell him once that I would fell stupid if I was still sleeping in my tiny bedroom in my parents house with a ring on my finger. What does the ring represent at that stage... well love, but you don''t need to give me a ring! I already know that!!!

But he feels that he can''t move out unless he is at least engaged to someone. (parents would prefer married) but we ain''t waiting that long!!!!!!

I feel for you, I really do

.

I wonder if your BF has not created his own very convenient Catch 22. Can''t move out till engaged, haven''t/won''t pay off ring so not engaged, cant move out till engaged...

What do you think?

 

[Deelight]

Date: 11/23/2008 11:23:16 AM
Author: lasscreative

Date: 11/23/2008 11:20:15 AM

Author: Deelight

Lass, seriously I feel sorry for you and I really feel sorry for R the poor bugger is really caught between a rock and a hard place I don''t know what I can advise really as like I said it is going to be hard, it is really not just his love for you or his mum but also your asking him to go against what is expected of him within his culture and his parents are so entrenched in the way things should be I would hazard to guess they will never change.

Of course they will never change! I know that. I just want us to live happily ever after with their time in our life being minimal to non existence! (I don''t say that to my so though) Just hint!

I can''t see that happening either, chances are they will be in your lives more then you want them to be forever it is fairly inevitable. What I would do personally (if you haven''t so already) is adopt some of their cultures principles when you go over there or when they come over to see you both and hopefully they will become nicer to you in return.

 

[Circe]

To me, it sounds as though a lot of what you''re seeing as their ... idiosyncrasy, shall we say? can be chalked up to cultural differences. My folks are Russian, not Croation, but a lot of what you''re describing is familiar: general insularity, incredibly close family bonds, and an expectation of support and respect from their children that sort of goes above and beyond. My American friends are sometimes befuddled by the closeness of our relationship: I''ve heard "Cut the apron strings!" and "coughCO-DEPENDANTcough" occasionally, but, here''s the thing ... I *like* how close I am to my parents.

All that said ... I moved out at 19 and made sure to force *some* distance between us, or I would have gone mad from cultural dissonance if nothing else. It''s hard to be the only person one knows who is that close to one''s family. One way of establishing distance was to stick to my guns on issues that were important to me, both because the issues themselves *were* important, and because I needed to establish a pattern of independence. One of the biggest issues was establishing space and respect for my relationships, regardless of whether they were romantic or platonic.

No matter what your complaints about your BF''s parents are, your biggest problem right now is your boyfriend: assuming that you''ve shared your feelings about these issues with him, it is *his* responsibility to negotiate the boundaries. Basically, they need to compromise ... and you need to compromise ... and he needs to balance out all of your needs and desires. Speaking as someone who''s been in the middle, it''s not always fun, but it does pay off.

And, wow, I wrote an op-ed piece. Sorry for blathering on ....

 

[lasscreative]

Date: 11/23/2008 11:40:54 AM
Author: Deelight

Date: 11/23/2008 11:23:16 AM

Author: lasscreative

Date: 11/23/2008 11:20:15 AM


Author: Deelight


Lass, seriously I feel sorry for you and I really feel sorry for R the poor bugger is really caught between a rock and a hard place I don''t know what I can advise really as like I said it is going to be hard, it is really not just his love for you or his mum but also your asking him to go against what is expected of him within his culture and his parents are so entrenched in the way things should be I would hazard to guess they will never change.

Of course they will never change! I know that. I just want us to live happily ever after with their time in our life being minimal to non existence! (I don''t say that to my so though) Just hint!

I can''t see that happening either, chances are they will be in your lives more then you want them to be forever it is fairly inevitable. What I would do personally (if you haven''t so already) is adopt some of their cultures principles when you go over there or when they come over to see you both and hopefully they will become nicer to you in return.

I have tried! I have tried everything imaginable! Bottom line is they have no personal interaction with anyone outside of their house (bar the mother going to work) and they are just lacking that personal attribute. I believe no one will get along with them.

When I was there. I helped the mother write letters, look through catalogues etc, dialed in phone numbers into the phone etc! None of that matters. All she cares is that what she wants to get done gets done.

 

[neatfreak]

I''m going to ask the question that most of us are wondering...but is he really worth it? If he isn''t willing to stand up to his parents now, he won''t be once you get married either. Not a good thing in my book...

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I don''t think I''ve ever been so frustrated reading a post. He is croatian and a different culture. I once dated someone from a different culture for quite a while and I knew that going in his family would be different from mine. DRASTICALLY different is the best way to put it. His mother acted similar to the way your SO''s mom is acting and even his brothers and sisters acted strange towards me. I didn''t live with them but I may as well have since I was at their house all the time to spend time with him. By joining yourselves in marriage you are joining your cultures and families as well. You can''t just change people (a lot of people have had to tell loved ones ''don''t marry so and so because you think you can change them''). So it seems to me that you are either going to have to suck it up and start finding a way to get along with them, or move on. Also, you mentioned that you are only 20 and he is 27 and you''ve been dating for 4 years? Doesn''t that mean when you were 16 that he was 23 and isn''t that well...a bit illegal? Im sorry but I had to say it. I can''t believe a 23 year old would go for a teenager...ok I said it. It''s just, is this the only guy you''ve ever dated? I''m just concerned that since you dated him from such a young age while he was older that you may have gotten attached to him and haven''t had time to see what else is out there...Ok I''m expecting backlash from posting this so let it fly ladies.

 

[purselover]

Date: 11/23/2008 6:27:54 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
I don''t think I''ve ever been so frustrated reading a post. He is croatian and a different culture. I once dated someone from a different culture for quite a while and I knew that going in his family would be different from mine. DRASTICALLY different is the best way to put it. His mother acted similar to the way your SO''s mom is acting and even his brothers and sisters acted strange towards me. I didn''t live with them but I may as well have since I was at their house all the time to spend time with him. By joining yourselves in marriage you are joining your cultures and families as well. You can''t just change people (a lot of people have had to tell loved ones ''don''t marry so and so because you think you can change them''). So it seems to me that you are either going to have to suck it up and start finding a way to get along with them, or move on. Also, you mentioned that you are only 20 and he is 27 and you''ve been dating for 4 years? Doesn''t that mean when you were 16 that he was 23 and isn''t that well...a bit illegal? Im sorry but I had to say it. I can''t believe a 23 year old would go for a teenager...ok I said it. It''s just, is this the only guy you''ve ever dated? I''m just concerned that since you dated him from such a young age while he was older that you may have gotten attached to him and haven''t had time to see what else is out there...Ok I''m expecting backlash from posting this so let it fly ladies.

No backlash from me, I agree the age difference seems like a lot at this stage. I think that helps demonstrate his immaturity. How else would a 23 and 16 year old be able to maintain a relationship? I''m 23, done with college, and have lived away from my parents for a year and a half, I would have nothing in common with someone 16. Regardless however he clearly still hasn''t matured since he can''t stand up to his mom even if it costs someone who is supposed to become his wife, I don''t think anything will become better until he moves out, and the entire family discusses the problems. I agree with everyone who''s said either make it work, or let it go, you can''t spend the rest of your lives like this.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 11/23/2008 3:44:06 PM
Author: lasscreative

Date: 11/23/2008 11:40:54 AM

Author: Deelight

Date: 11/23/2008 11:23:16 AM


Author: lasscreative

Date: 11/23/2008 11:20:15 AM



Author: Deelight



Lass, seriously I feel sorry for you and I really feel sorry for R the poor bugger is really caught between a rock and a hard place I don''t know what I can advise really as like I said it is going to be hard, it is really not just his love for you or his mum but also your asking him to go against what is expected of him within his culture and his parents are so entrenched in the way things should be I would hazard to guess they will never change.

Of course they will never change! I know that. I just want us to live happily ever after with their time in our life being minimal to non existence! (I don''t say that to my so though) Just hint!

I can''t see that happening either, chances are they will be in your lives more then you want them to be forever it is fairly inevitable. What I would do personally (if you haven''t so already) is adopt some of their cultures principles when you go over there or when they come over to see you both and hopefully they will become nicer to you in return.

I have tried! I have tried everything imaginable! Bottom line is they have no personal interaction with anyone outside of their house (bar the mother going to work) and they are just lacking that personal attribute. I believe no one will get along with them.


When I was there. I helped the mother write letters, look through catalogues etc, dialed in phone numbers into the phone etc! None of that matters. All she cares is that what she wants to get done gets done.

I think you have the answer there if you have tried and it has all failed them really it is not going to get better are you prepared for a lifetime of this, is it worth a lifetime of this? It is really what they say you don''t just marry the man you marry the family.



Smurfs No backlash here

 

[katamari]

I honestly would not expect to not get treated like anything but children so long as you are living with parents (and this would go for any couple). Sounds to me like an apartment for at least one of you should become top priority over any ring or wedding.

I also think you are overlooking how hospitable they are being. My parents would not have let my BF stay at our house even one night when I was 20. And, they certainly wouldn't have let him stay 4 nights a week. Sleeping in the same bed would have been unthinkable. It also sounds like you weren't offering them any kind of rent or assistance, either. Sounds to me like they are terribly accepting of you.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

my thoughts exactly katamari

 

[BlueSki231]

Definitely a huge cultural difference and it''s doubtful that this will ever change. This is what you will be marrying into. This is the time to REALLY think about if this is what you want to deal with for the rest of your life.

My only suggestion would be for you guys to move out of state.. then maybe you''d only have to visit at major holidays. But something tells me this guy would never be up to doing something like that. He sounds waaay too attached and from what you said it doesn''t seem like he''s even attempting to explain to his parents what you mean to him.. or even attempting to set boundaries with them...

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 11/23/2008 10:35:28 PM
Author: Namaste
Definitely a huge cultural difference and it''s doubtful that this will ever change. This is what you will be marrying into. This is the time to REALLY think about if this is what you want to deal with for the rest of your life.

My only suggestion would be for you guys to move out of state.. then maybe you''d only have to visit at major holidays. But something tells me this guy would never be up to doing something like that. He sounds waaay too attached and from what you said it doesn''t seem like he''s even attempting to explain to his parents what you mean to him.. or even attempting to set boundaries with them...

yes boundaries.... that was the HUGE thing for me in this post. The moment his dad walked in when he was on the laptop and you were naked in the bed he should have said something or at least moved the computer to another room and given you privacy. That''s a NONO on HIS part!

 

[JSM]

Honestly, I can''t believe you slept naked in a house where you know his mother comes into the room without knocking! I''m sorry for my bluntness but it''s not something my parents would have ever allowed.

Anyway, you guys have been together a while but it seems like your relationship needs to grow a bit more before engagement. That''s not a bad thing at all. It''s just hard to know how someone is going to act as a functioning independent adult if they''ve never been a functioning, independent adult.

Here is one thing I have learned over the years - if a guy REALLY wants to do something, he''ll do it. Sometimes it''s a realization that hurts, but it''s something to keep in mind. It seems like your boyfriend is very attached to his parents. Bad attachment or good attachment, I don''t know - but he''s attached nonetheless. If he really wanted to change that, he would.

I''m sure you love him, but don''t be surprised if this lasts for a very long time. I do wish the best for you and wish you to be happy, and only you can know what will do that. Best of luck.

 

[havernell]

Date: 11/23/2008 11:20:51 AM
Author: lasscreative
I know I know!!!!!! I have pleaded with him!!! He is really against renting, he feels you are picking up your money and chucking it back down again! He also feels if we rent we won't enter the property market as a buyer for agessss and he really wants us to start on the right foot.

This sounds fishy to me. Tons of young people rent apartments for a few years but are still able to buy a house when the time is right. Sure, buying is usually preferable to renting (although in this economy renting just may be smarter), but renting for a year or two is certainly not going to be your financial ruin. Sometimes acting like an adult and gaining some privacy is more important that saving a bit of money.

What is MORE troubling to me is that you say you've "pleaded" with him to move out, but he won't even entertain the thought. If he can clearly see you are *so* unhappy having to deal with his parents I would think he'd want to at least consider getting an apartment in order to improve the quality of your relationship with each other. Relationships are about compromise- not him deciding everything and expecting you to acquiesce. Does he want to ruin your relationship in order to save $500 a month? Because that's what he's doing. Is that all your relationship is worth to him? The fact that he doesn't seem to take your feelings and needs into consideration at all is a red flag to me. As others have said, he never seems to stand up for you with his parents (i.e. he didn't tell his Dad to leave the room when you were sleeping, he won't insist that they knock first before entering the room, etc...) I would feel pretty disrespected by HIM in this situation. Put the blame where it's due- on your boyfriend, not his parents. He brings this upon himself and you buy continuing to live at home.

I'll second someone else's question- have you ever had an adult relationship with anyone else? You really don't have to take this grief from someone who seems unwilling to treat you as an equal partner. Relationships shouldn't have to be this hard. You deserve better.

I'm sure reading some of the comments on this thread are not easy or fun, but just know that we are all just trying to help you gain a little perspective on your situation. None of us want to see you hurting like you are. It's just not right.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 11/23/2008 6:27:54 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
I don''t think I''ve ever been so frustrated reading a post. He is croatian and a different culture. I once dated someone from a different culture for quite a while and I knew that going in his family would be different from mine. DRASTICALLY different is the best way to put it. His mother acted similar to the way your SO''s mom is acting and even his brothers and sisters acted strange towards me. I didn''t live with them but I may as well have since I was at their house all the time to spend time with him. By joining yourselves in marriage you are joining your cultures and families as well. You can''t just change people (a lot of people have had to tell loved ones ''don''t marry so and so because you think you can change them''). So it seems to me that you are either going to have to suck it up and start finding a way to get along with them, or move on. Also, you mentioned that you are only 20 and he is 27 and you''ve been dating for 4 years? Doesn''t that mean when you were 16 that he was 23 and isn''t that well...a bit illegal? Im sorry but I had to say it. I can''t believe a 23 year old would go for a teenager...ok I said it. It''s just, is this the only guy you''ve ever dated? I''m just concerned that since you dated him from such a young age while he was older that you may have gotten attached to him and haven''t had time to see what else is out there...Ok I''m expecting backlash from posting this so let it fly ladies.

Glad you said that, Smurf, I thought the same thing about the ages. A little scary to me.

OP, you are 20, and 20 is SO YOUNG! (and yes, young people hate to hear that

) You really need to slow down and take a deep breath. I agree with whoever said that the parents are being very generous to let you stay. My SO is not allowed to sleep on the same floor as me when he stays at my parents house to visit, let alone the same bed! Stop having sleepovers and pull back until he decides to stand up for you and your relationship. If he moves out, then great. If not, at least it will be a clear message.