His parent and ME! - Help

[choro72]

ETA. Let me tell you a story about my friend.

My friend J proposed to C with a beautiful ring. His parents gave him hell because he didn't buy the ring with his dad, he didn't announce his intentions beforehand, and basically because their baby boy was growing up and they weren't going to have it.

J's parents tried tons of ways to lay out the pieces to set up for their involvement in their lives from then on. "We're not going to the wedding until you grovel and apologize." "You are no longer a son to us." "You have disrespected us and you don't admit it, you stubborn lowlife.". J and C tried saying sorry, but they are getting married, and they are going to be happy.

Finally, J's mom said "The ring is too expensive. Return it and we will introduce you to a better jeweler." J thought that this will make his mom happy and get his parents off their back, so he asked for the ring. C, bless her heart, gave the ring back to J. My friends and I immediately told him "DO NOT, under any circumstances return that ring. Returning the ring isn't the end. All it does is prove to his parents that they still have control, and they will abuse that power."
J gave the ring back to C, and told his mom "I'm not returning the ring, and that's final. Live with it, or forgo your grandchildren.".

They lived with it, and J+C have the best marriage and relationship with his parents. This is what your SO needs to do. It takes courage, but if he wants to be with you, he needs to do this.

*Disclaimer*
Some of the conversation has been edited to make point clearer.

 

[IrishEyes08]

One more thing, I don''t think the parents issues are due to them being Croatian, I really don''t. As I mentioned before, my BF is Croatian, his parents lived in the US for a bit, are again in Croatia. I''ve spent a lot of time with them, his extended family both in the US and in Croatia. They are all respectful, enjoyable, fun people to be around. While there is a strong family bond and respect, they also have social cues, respect for others and have honored my relationship with my BF and the boundaries that such a relationship signifies. So, in short, don''t blame the Croatian culture, this seems particular to this family.

 

[FrekeChild]

Well said Choro. No rotten tomatoes from me!

And I think everything else that everyone has said is spot on as well.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Hi Lass,

I''ve read all the posts on this thread, and you''ve gotten some really good, practical, and necessary advice from the other posters. I agree with many of them that

1) BF needs to put you first if he''s committed to marrying you and starting a new life with you;

2) You need to meet him partway, as far as respect goes, and either stop sleeping at the parents'' house or not sleeping there naked - his parents put you in an uncomfortable situation, but I think it was exacerbated in part by you too;

3) BF needs to grow up and move out - honestly, this isn''t the first thread on PS I''ve read where the SO is adamant about never renting and choosing to buy right-off, and in this current economy, and even just this time period, that''s not the most realistic option. Renting is not going to kill him - and it''s a good start in becoming responsible for your own place. Spending a couple years paying rent, making sure you can live on your own and as an adult, is, I think, a good precursor to the HUGE responsibility of owning your own home.


Finally, if you don''t mind, I''ll offer a perspective from the other side. I''m not Croatian - I''m Asian, in fact, but my mom is pretty attached to me, her only child, so when I read your initial post, I really thought your BF''s family was Asian as well, because so much of his mom''s behavior rings very familiar - if not with my own family, then with other friends'' and their families. Speaking from that side, your BF''s in a tough position. I''m really close with my mom, but it wasn''t until I met my boyfriend that I began to see that my mom was having a really hard time letting go. Because my dad is often away for work, and my mom''s English isn''t good, I end up doing a lot of things for her, including setting up appointments, dealing with emergencies, etc....and this is while I''m a couple thousand miles away. I''m in graduate school and I''ve been away from home for 4 years now, but when I was in college, I would talk to her practically every night. Now, when I talk to her about once a week, she gets mad and feels neglected, and starts yelling, and saying how now that I have a really serious boyfriend, I don''t care about her, etc. It''s not a pretty situation, and it''s REALLY hard to stand up to her. Despite all of this, my mom''s always been the one I could turn to and she''s been my friend - so having someone else in my life, who''s there for me day-to-day and to whom I now turn to, really hurts her. So I can''t cut those ties - my mom and I are now setting more boundaries, which is a good start. She''s learning to let go, which is good, but it helps that I haven''t cut her out of my life.

I know it''s frustrating for you - I''m sure my BF has felt like you on some occasions. But I hope you also realize that this isn''t a case where you are totally in the right because his mom is incredibly clingy and your BF isn''t standing up to her. She''s been a part of his life for 27 years - you''ve been a part of his life for, what, 4? Give him time, but let him know that from now on, he needs to look to the future (you) as much as, if not more, than the past (his parents). Don''t ask him to cut them out of his life - you''ll put him in a hard situation, and if he really loved you, I guess he''d choose you over them - but would you want your marriage to begin with an ultimatum and by making him cut his ties to his family?

Just my 0.02.

 

[lasscreative]

Date: 11/24/2008 11:18:27 AM
Author: GoingCrazy29

Date: 11/24/2008 9:29:59 AM

Author: girlie-girl

How does YOUR family feel about this situation? Have you shared these concerns with them? Are they telling you that you shouldn''t be limiting yourself to the FIRST serious boyfriend you''ve ever had?


Sorry, but I too feel like you''re making excuses for your bf and his behavior. If you''re the FIRST person your bf has ever been with, how does HE know you''re the right one? I honestly think both of you are trying to force the other into some idealistic role and neither of you appear to be ready for it. Why doesn''t your bf move into the other house and take care of it etc. and have his father move back in with his mother so he can take care of her? There are plenty of options out there, it just appears your bf isn''t willing to explore any of them.

Good idea! Why isn''t this an option? If its not possible, he needs to stop buying you things and put some money into moving out NOW. I''m also interested to hear what your family has to say about all of this...

That other house is in a new lot of land in the west. Its too far from everything. There is one little supermarket. His parents had to build a house on the land that bought years ago because a land tax came in which was you would get taxed 10k on land that was vacant. So they decided that they would build a house there and they will move there (the mother and the father) once the mother is retired (the father doesn''t work) There is no internet connections in this place which is not an option (R sometimes works from home) and we both love the internet! (hello, pricescope all the time) I would take us over an hour to get to anything. Plus the dad grows lots of veges there on the lot so he really enjoys living there and I don''t think would like to move.

In order to build this house his parents struck up a deal with him. (this deal was made early on in our relationship so I couldn''t put my 2 cents in about it) The deal is that R and his mother would put all their money together and pay for the new house to be built. So R and his mother have been working hard (have a mortgage together) to buy this house off in return for the family house. So R actually owns the family home outright and has a small mortgage with his mother for the other house.

The mother would like to move there now but there is no work in the area as it isn''t built up at all (she works in nursing homes) But once something comes along I think she will move with her husband and then R and I are free to sell the family house (live in it?? but its a bit old and not a nice suburb) and buy our own house. Until then we can''t sell it because the mum, sister, brother and R live there. Which I don''t think is fair anyway.

So yes, we will have to do it the tough way until the house is in a position to be sold. Why not making tracks have been made is because I am a full time student and can''t contribute much financially. But I finish in a week and have full time employment lined up (I will save my butt offf like you won''t believe) My boyfriend and his mother have very nearly paid that mortgage off so then he can save every bit as well. We are aiming to buy March next year. (its just been hard waiting for me to get into full time work and for him to pay that mortgage off (he put everything into getting that down and out of the way so he can start with me)

I just have to add that I was (I guess still am ) angry and frustrated when I wrote those posts hence all the exclamation points.

My parents think my boyfriend is great and they can see we think the world of each other, My mother is upset that I don''t go over anymore and thinks I have brought it on myself. She wishes she could talk to his mother to see what is going on (but I don''t know if that will happen) My family has never met his (only my mum met his dad for liek 5 seconds when we picked up r to go to the airport)

I was thinking that My mum and me should put on a big christmas feast and invite his family over so my family can meet them. They aren''t very social but I think thats because they haven''t really had the chance.

Something fun in their lives and a chance to see them again that is outside of that poisonous house and in the company of other people.

My mother thinks I should really do it. Me, well I am not so sure... Is this a good idea?

My boyfriend was also born here. He did migrate only his parents did.

 

[lasscreative]

Date: 11/24/2008 11:37:17 AM
Author: Bliss
Lass, I feel for you!


Like the other posters, I have to agree that your wonderful man isn''t putting you #1 on his list of priorities in life. But I also think that''s because he feels powerless to do otherwise. His parents have probably hammered into his head that without them, he''s nothing. It sounds like they have reared him to be their 24/7 servant. It''s hard to rewire that kind of programming. It''s been 27 years of brainwashing from those he has trusted the most. It has to be very very hard for him and I''m sure he feels conflicted more and more into manhood. I''m sure they really do love each other and that the bond comes from a good place. But it really creates a ton of drama and pain for him, them and you. He is clearly someone who cares and will go above and beyond for a loved one. That''s a good start, right?


I think things can definitely change. But it''s going to take a lot out of you. You''ll suffer in the process and some innocent part of you, can''t be grown back when you go through really hard times. Even so, you will also be stronger for it. He needs help from a loving and strong anchor. It sounds like he is starting to see that his parents are in the wrong. Children are not slaves. They are independent human beings who have a right to happiness and life, too. His parents are old, they have had a chance to live their lives. They need to stop stealing life away from their son. They are probably not bad people, but are blinded by their own needs.


I wish you the very best. You sound very strong and independent and that is what your partner needs! I feel like it will indeed be a battle but you can safely pull him or guide him to the other shore. Freedom and a happy life. That doesn''t mean you never have to see his parents again. But things do have to be drastically different. Remind him that cutting the apron strings doesn''t mean that they can''t love and support each other. But this way is more sustainable without the eruption of drama coming from constant resentments, you know?


Good luck!

WHAT you wrote hear is EXACTLY HOW IT IS!!!! Thank you!

 

[purselover]

Date: 11/24/2008 3:46:53 AM
Author: lasscreative

Date: 11/24/2008 3:12:22 AM

Author: Smurfysmiles

and you keep saying how much you''ve done for him (and i don''t doubt you''ve done a lot), but what has he done for you besides get you wrapped up in this whole crazy mess? it is overly apparent that he doesn''t put you first, ditto to freke about giving it 3 years at the MOST

He took me overseas in April, Paris, London and Barcelona. It cost me about $700. He happily took up the tab on the rest. Early on in our relationship he had sooooo much trust that he lent me 15k to buy a car (I don''t how much that gets you in the U.S but that got me a decent second hand car) because I was a student with a temp job, no bank would lend to me. My parents were not in a position to help me out. So he gave his 19 year old gf the loan to which I have nearly paid off. (but I have acquired a nasty addiction to colour gemstones!! I must have got it from you guys!!!

)


My boyfriend is not rolling in it either just to add. He works hard and is dedicated to his job.


He is always there to support me when I get stressed with my studies. He sits and brainstorms with me, when he is not a design type.


He wants me to succeed as well and he will help every part he can! He got me all the programmes that I need for my course and this year he also bought me a 24'' iMac (these things are ridiculously expensive here)


He doesn''t just buy my stuff to shut me up! It is not like that at all. I didn''t nag for any of these things. He certainly doesn''t buy my clothes our haircuts.

I''m not sure cars, computers and trips are any better then clothes and haircuts. Sounds like the only way he can show love is through money. He clearly isn''t hurting by the amount he spends, instead of going to Europe and buying computers he could pay rent for quite awhile! Talk about throwing money away, going to Europe instead of moving out at 27?? Or he could pay off that engagement ring, sounds like he''s not making good choices. I''m also going to point out how no one even had a chance to respond yet so "he doesn''t buy me stuff to shut me up" sounds like something you might have been thinking.....

 

[purselover]

Date: 11/24/2008 7:01:44 PM
Author: lasscreative

Date: 11/24/2008 11:18:27 AM

Author: GoingCrazy29

Date: 11/24/2008 9:29:59 AM


Author: girlie-girl


How does YOUR family feel about this situation? Have you shared these concerns with them? Are they telling you that you shouldn''t be limiting yourself to the FIRST serious boyfriend you''ve ever had?



Sorry, but I too feel like you''re making excuses for your bf and his behavior. If you''re the FIRST person your bf has ever been with, how does HE know you''re the right one? I honestly think both of you are trying to force the other into some idealistic role and neither of you appear to be ready for it. Why doesn''t your bf move into the other house and take care of it etc. and have his father move back in with his mother so he can take care of her? There are plenty of options out there, it just appears your bf isn''t willing to explore any of them.

Good idea! Why isn''t this an option? If its not possible, he needs to stop buying you things and put some money into moving out NOW. I''m also interested to hear what your family has to say about all of this...

That other house is in a new lot of land in the west. Its too far from everything. There is one little supermarket. His parents had to build a house on the land that bought years ago because a land tax came in which was you would get taxed 10k on land that was vacant. So they decided that they would build a house there and they will move there (the mother and the father) once the mother is retired (the father doesn''t work) There is no internet connections in this place which is not an option (R sometimes works from home) and we both love the internet! (hello, pricescope all the time) I would take us over an hour to get to anything. Plus the dad grows lots of veges there on the lot so he really enjoys living there and I don''t think would like to move.


In order to build this house his parents struck up a deal with him. (this deal was made early on in our relationship so I couldn''t put my 2 cents in about it) The deal is that R and his mother would put all their money together and pay for the new house to be built. So R and his mother have been working hard (have a mortgage together) to buy this house off in return for the family house. So R actually owns the family home outright and has a small mortgage with his mother for the other house.


The mother would like to move there now but there is no work in the area as it isn''t built up at all (she works in nursing homes) But once something comes along I think she will move with her husband and then R and I are free to sell the family house (live in it?? but its a bit old and not a nice suburb) and buy our own house. Until then we can''t sell it because the mum, sister, brother and R live there. Which I don''t think is fair anyway.


So yes, we will have to do it the tough way until the house is in a position to be sold. Why not making tracks have been made is because I am a full time student and can''t contribute much financially. But I finish in a week and have full time employment lined up (I will save my butt offf like you won''t believe) My boyfriend and his mother have very nearly paid that mortgage off so then he can save every bit as well. We are aiming to buy March next year. (its just been hard waiting for me to get into full time work and for him to pay that mortgage off (he put everything into getting that down and out of the way so he can start with me)


I just have to add that I was (I guess still am ) angry and frustrated when I wrote those posts hence all the exclamation points.


My parents think my boyfriend is great and they can see we think the world of each other, My mother is upset that I don''t go over anymore and thinks I have brought it on myself. She wishes she could talk to his mother to see what is going on (but I don''t know if that will happen) My family has never met his (only my mum met his dad for liek 5 seconds when we picked up r to go to the airport)


I was thinking that My mum and me should put on a big christmas feast and invite his family over so my family can meet them. They aren''t very social but I think thats because they haven''t really had the chance.


Something fun in their lives and a chance to see them again that is outside of that poisonous house and in the company of other people.


My mother thinks I should really do it. Me, well I am not so sure... Is this a good idea?


My boyfriend was also born here. He did migrate only his parents did.

I really like the idea of spending Christmas together, maybe your parents and his can bound over their children hopefully moving out and starting new lives together? It might be great to get together and see each other in a new social setting, but it could also be awkward and a total disaster. (sorry to be a downer but if they''re not social and tend to say uncomfortable things it could be) Either way I think it''s worth it, better them meet and hang out now then for it to be really awkward at the wedding you know?

 

[lasscreative]

Date: 11/24/2008 7:36:25 PM
Author: purselover

Date: 11/24/2008 3:46:53 AM

Author: lasscreative

Date: 11/24/2008 3:12:22 AM


Author: Smurfysmiles


and you keep saying how much you''ve done for him (and i don''t doubt you''ve done a lot), but what has he done for you besides get you wrapped up in this whole crazy mess? it is overly apparent that he doesn''t put you first, ditto to freke about giving it 3 years at the MOST

He took me overseas in April, Paris, London and Barcelona. It cost me about $700. He happily took up the tab on the rest. Early on in our relationship he had sooooo much trust that he lent me 15k to buy a car (I don''t how much that gets you in the U.S but that got me a decent second hand car) because I was a student with a temp job, no bank would lend to me. My parents were not in a position to help me out. So he gave his 19 year old gf the loan to which I have nearly paid off. (but I have acquired a nasty addiction to colour gemstones!! I must have got it from you guys!!!

)



My boyfriend is not rolling in it either just to add. He works hard and is dedicated to his job.



He is always there to support me when I get stressed with my studies. He sits and brainstorms with me, when he is not a design type.



He wants me to succeed as well and he will help every part he can! He got me all the programmes that I need for my course and this year he also bought me a 24'' iMac (these things are ridiculously expensive here)



He doesn''t just buy my stuff to shut me up! It is not like that at all. I didn''t nag for any of these things. He certainly doesn''t buy my clothes our haircuts.

I''m not sure cars, computers and trips are any better then clothes and haircuts. Sounds like the only way he can show love is through money. He clearly isn''t hurting by the amount he spends, instead of going to Europe and buying computers he could pay rent for quite awhile! Talk about throwing money away, going to Europe instead of moving out at 27?? Or he could pay off that engagement ring, sounds like he''s not making good choices. I''m also going to point out how no one even had a chance to respond yet so ''he doesn''t buy me stuff to shut me up'' sounds like something you might have been thinking.....

He had to work in London for a week. He took me along and we added 2 weeks on top of it. Because we thought this would be a cost effective holiday and our chance to go to Europe for a bit cheaper. Which it was.

I actually needed that computer for my studies. I do web and graphic design and I needed a powerful computer. I had a laptop but it was getting a bit old.

I added that other part "he doesn''t buy me stuff to shut me up" Because I thought that was the backlash I was going to get. I thought I was goign to get accused of nagging for these things. We sit down and we talk about what we need and we make decisions.

 

[CNYHopeful]

I certainly agree with all that purselover suggested. From an objective (albeit removed) perspective, this does not sound like a healthy situation all around. Yes, the two of you have been together over the past 4 years, but how much have either of you grown as individuals? Do you feel that you''ve matured more in the years than he has? Do you feel that you''ve grown at all? 20 is still an age where there are SO many opportunities out there and so much to see. It sounds as though you''re working hard and are ambitious towards your future. Those are great things to be enjoying right now. But to commit or expect that he will commit to an unconditional love if there hasn''t been much room for him to grow as an independent is something to consider.

Lastly, my SO''s cousin lived with her bf at her parents house. They got married at 20, had a kid at 22, now they''re divorced because neither of them grew up. Their parents enabled them to carry on an unhealthy relationship and develop very unhealthy habits under their noses, in their house. My SO''s cousin resents her parents for enabling that situation and not challenging her to "find herself" and spend time pursuing her passions and learning about how a guy should treat her and not settling for anything less. It is a terrible situation and it really shouldn''t have gone like it did. I know your situation may be completely different but I urge you to take serious look at your relationship history, your hopes for the future, and his motivations for being in it. That might help evaluate this and work on the areas that need work (hey, we all need to get perspective every now and then). Best of luck!

 

[diamondglee]

You seem quite defensive, and have an answer for all your own questionable behavior. Maybe you should read the replies with a more open mind. JMHO

 

[lasscreative]

To everyone that has respond to my topic,

Is the short answer for me is to leave this guy?

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 11/25/2008 12:01:04 AM
Author: lasscreative
To everyone that has respond to my topic,


Is the short answer for me is to leave this guy?

Oh boy.. I''m not sure that there''s a short answer. I''m usually for giving people the benefit of the doubt but it really depends on whether you''ve REALLY made it clear to him that you''re not happy in this situation and still nothing has changed.
If you haven''t already, I think you need to have a serious discussion about with him about what his priorities are. You need to tell him exactly how you feel about this situation and you need to let him know that you''re not willing to live like this for the rest of your life. You tell that him YOU need to be #1 priority if he wants to be married to you.

He''s already shown you that you''re not #1 priority, especially by the example you gave of him leaving your BBQ to pick his mother up. If I were you I''d give him one more shot to prove himself... I''m not sure if you''ve done this yet but you need to let him know you mean business and that this had better be a turning point in your relationship.

But if you feel like you''ve stressed this point with him over and over and still nothing has changed, maybe you leaving him will be the kick in the pants he needs to get his act together and be a MAN!

 

[CNYHopeful]

I don''t think anyone can make that decision for you, it''s a decision that you and he ought to decide upon. I think most of us are just posing questions to consider, things to ponder that may seriously help in the long run. Sometimes there are no easy answers, certainly not ones to make on a split emotional decision.

Discernment takes removing our emotional attachments and sometimes asking tough questions of ourselves and our BF. Trust me, if you look at these things honestly, you will know deep down what is right. Sometimes that means making resolutions together that you''ll wait another year or two to work on an area that needs attention. Sometimes that means saying, there are serious concerns that aren''t being addressed and neither party can address them, so it''s best to move on. Either way, it is always better to examine closely these things from a different view. It either strengthens your resolve as a couple or breaks the chains and allows you to move on.

 

[lasscreative]

Ok!

I will give him the big talk! The I MEAN BUSINESS talk! The it''s time to step up the plate talk!

We have discussed a few things. Like when his dad came in the room when I was sleeping. I did express how I felt and he felt terrible about it. He had no idea his dad would come in and pull up a chair and sit there for a while and when he did he didn''t know what to say to get him out that wouldn''t offend him.

But we haven''t had a really big discussion on what exactly I/we hope to receive out of this relationship and what needs to change in order for me to continue being in it.

I just told him that I revealed the abusive fight that R and his dad had to my mum and he is furious! Oh man!

I will get there. *WE* will get there.

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 11/25/2008 12:38:30 AM
Author: lasscreative
Ok!


I will give him the big talk! The I MEAN BUSINESS talk! The it''s time to step up the plate talk!


We have discussed a few things. Like when his dad came in the room when I was sleeping. I did express how I felt and he felt terrible about it. He had no idea his dad would come in and pull up a chair and sit there for a while and when he did he didn''t know what to say to get him out that wouldn''t offend him.


But we haven''t had a really big discussion on what exactly I/we hope to receive out of this relationship and what needs to change in order for me to continue being in it.


I just told him that I revealed the abusive fight that R and his dad had to my mum and he is furious! Oh man!


I will get there. *WE* will get there.

Good luck with the talk. Let us know how it goes..

I just got the sense from your posts that you were mainly venting.. and that you haven''t really discussed this issue seriously with him. He probably is totally clueless, thinking every thing''s all good. Sure, he knew you were upset with him at the time, but he probably thinks this issues were dealt with and that it''s DONE. The thing about guys is they usually aren''t good at picking up hints or putting two and two together. You have to spell it out for them when it comes to emotions - be as clear as possible on what you want and don''t want out of this relationship. I think he definitely deserves at least this talk since you haven''t done it already.

Like CNYHopeful said, only you can make the decision on whether to leave him. Which really isn''t an easy decision to make, and I know it''s hard to see clearly when your heart is invested in him.

Good luck, I hope it goes well for you!

 

[HeartingDiamonds]

Lass, what *I* really see here is a HUGE clash between 2 different cultures. Like other posters here, I actually thought that his family may be Asian (I am) because they sound just like my family. Some cultures are simply built on very strong, very solid familial loyalty - parents work their fingers to the bone to give their children all they could, and in turn, children are expected to be obedient, fiercely loyal, and to care for their parents in their golden years. The concept of I and ME do not exist in our culture. There is only the concept of the family as a whole. Everyone does what is best for the family. Everyone pitches in to help everyone else in the family. One is NOT asked - it is expected of them. It is blind faith and loyalty to the people who would do the same for you, over and over again, should the need arise. You simply do not abandon family.

Do I think the situation is ideal? No. Would I have it any other way? No. I love my family, and would do anything for my widowed mother (and yes, I get up early on my days off to drive her around, include her in all the social things that I participate in, spend time away from my husband so I can spend some time with her, etc). And no, I do not resent it.

My advise is for you to really think about what YOU want. Can you live with the situation? Let me tell you, marrying him would not change anything. They would still call him for anything and everything, and would likely be extremely involved in your lives, including your children, finances, etc.

How much is TOO MUCH for you?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 11/25/2008 12:38:30 AM
Author: lasscreative



We have discussed a few things. Like when his dad came in the room when I was sleeping. I did express how I felt and he felt terrible about it. He had no idea his dad would come in and pull up a chair and sit there for a while and when he did he didn''t know what to say to get him out that wouldn''t offend him.

It seems like you finally are starting to see our point of view But a lot of people have expressed that maybe you shouldn''t have been sleeping naked in their house in the first place because it might be seen as a sign of disrespect....one thing at a time though
i''m glad you''re going to talk to him

I''m a graphic designer too so I know how important the computer is, I saved up and paid for my own though because I see the career as my own thing that I do, not something we do as a couple, that''s just me though...just like fi buys his own things that pertain to his career

 

[swingirl]

A 27 year old man with a naked 20 year old girl in his bed allows his father to barge in, pull up a chair and watch TV??? Yikes, I''m not sure which one is at fault!

 

[girlie-girl]

Date: 11/24/2008 7:01:44 PM
Author: lasscreative


...

In order to build this house his parents struck up a deal with him. (this deal was made early on in our relationship so I couldn't put my 2 cents in about it) The deal is that R and his mother would put all their money together and pay for the new house to be built. So R and his mother have been working hard (have a mortgage together) to buy this house off in return for the family house. So R actually owns the family home outright and has a small mortgage with his mother for the other house.

The mother would like to move there now but there is no work in the area as it isn't built up at all (she works in nursing homes) But once something comes along I think she will move with her husband and then R and I are free to sell the family house (live in it?? but its a bit old and not a nice suburb) and buy our own house. Until then we can't sell it because the mum, sister, brother and R live there. Which I don't think is fair anyway.

So yes, we will have to do it the tough way until the house is in a position to be sold. Why not making tracks have been made is because I am a full time student and can't contribute much financially. But I finish in a week and have full time employment lined up (I will save my butt offf like you won't believe) My boyfriend and his mother have very nearly paid that mortgage off so then he can save every bit as well. We are aiming to buy March next year. (its just been hard waiting for me to get into full time work and for him to pay that mortgage off (he put everything into getting that down and out of the way so he can start with me)

...

Didn't you tell us originally that he lives at home still because he's saving for a down payment for his own home? What you've said above doesn't sound anything like that, so I'm confused. Also, how could he pay for a house outright in just a few short years? How is it his house if he and his mother BOTH contributed to paying for it? I guess I'm missing something here...

If your BF can afford to go on these multi-week vacations out of country, buy you a new computer, and loan you 15k cash... why doesn't he have enough for said down payment?

What is going to happen to the bro and sis who live in this house? Are they planning to move when the mother does?

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 11/25/2008 8:51:51 AM
Author: girlie-girl

Date: 11/24/2008 7:01:44 PM
Author: lasscreative


...

In order to build this house his parents struck up a deal with him. (this deal was made early on in our relationship so I couldn''t put my 2 cents in about it) The deal is that R and his mother would put all their money together and pay for the new house to be built. So R and his mother have been working hard (have a mortgage together) to buy this house off in return for the family house. So R actually owns the family home outright and has a small mortgage with his mother for the other house.

The mother would like to move there now but there is no work in the area as it isn''t built up at all (she works in nursing homes) But once something comes along I think she will move with her husband and then R and I are free to sell the family house (live in it?? but its a bit old and not a nice suburb) and buy our own house. Until then we can''t sell it because the mum, sister, brother and R live there. Which I don''t think is fair anyway.

So yes, we will have to do it the tough way until the house is in a position to be sold. Why not making tracks have been made is because I am a full time student and can''t contribute much financially. But I finish in a week and have full time employment lined up (I will save my butt offf like you won''t believe) My boyfriend and his mother have very nearly paid that mortgage off so then he can save every bit as well. We are aiming to buy March next year. (its just been hard waiting for me to get into full time work and for him to pay that mortgage off (he put everything into getting that down and out of the way so he can start with me)

...

Didn''t you tell us originally that he lives at home still because he''s saving for a down payment for his own home? What you''ve said above doesn''t sound anything like that, so I''m confused. Also, how could he pay for a house outright in just a few short years? How is it his house if he and his mother BOTH contributed to paying for it? I guess I''m missing something here...

If your BF can afford to go on these multi-week vacations out of country, buy you a new computer, and loan you 15k cash... why doesn''t he have enough for said down payment?

What is going to happen to the bro and sis who live in this house? Are they planning to move when the mother does?

I think she meant that he and his mother have been paying the mortgage of his parent''s house.

 

[lasscreative]

There are 2 houses.
1 is the family home (fully paid - no mortgage)
2 is a house they had to build on vacant land because of a land tax (his parents used most of there life savings to pay for the bulk of it. Him and his mum were paying off the remainder. His whole salary is going into that account to get it down) It is very close to being paid off. This is why we have been in limbo and I am a full time student.

But for him doing that they have in exchange given him the fully paid off house. Obviously its not fair to sell that while people are still living in it.
The brother and sister hope to move out in under 3 years and hopefully by that time the area where the other house is will be built up enough to have a job there for her and she will move there.

Then we can sell it and hopefully have no mortgage!!!! But until that time, its a bit rough.


In Australia, you need 20% deposit. In Sydney a house in a somewhat ok suburb is 650k. Thats 130k He just put that into getting that other house paid off, which we couldn''t do anything until that mortgage was gone.
So now we need to start fresh. He does have savings on the side to at least start us off but its not up around 130k mark

 

[Steel]

At 20, you have a very stong chance that if you leave your BF now you will find another relationship The more time you invest in this relationship the less men will be available in your age group(s).

You already know if you believe this is THE relationship for you.

If you adopt a wait an see stance, set a time limit on how long you want to wait to see if you end up with the relationship you deserve with this man, and he with you. The longer you wait, there is a possibility another suitable match may get away.

 

[diamondglee]

Date: 11/25/2008 10:45:10 AM
Author: lasscreative


So now we need to start fresh. He does have savings on the side to at least start us off but its not up around 130k mark

And what do you have to start you off?

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 11/25/2008 10:45:10 AM
Author: lasscreative

In Australia, you need 20% deposit. In Sydney a house in a somewhat ok suburb is 650k. Thats 130k He just put that into getting that other house paid off, which we couldn''t do anything until that mortgage was gone.

So now we need to start fresh. He does have savings on the side to at least start us off but its not up around 130k mark

I had no idea housing in Australia was so expensive! Fascinating! Glad you have the 20% down policy, too! The darned financial crisis could have been somewhat avoided had Americans been ''required'' to put down 20% rather than 0% on a ARM

 

[disneybride]

Here is my take. It''s their house, their rules. If they want to come into the bedroom they pay for, they have that right. You said she comes into "our bedroom." If you do not contribute to their mortgage you have no business staking claim in the room And let me tell you something. If I found out my son''s daughter slept naked in bed with him in MY home, that would be the last time she would be welcome to sleep over. It is inappropriate and disrespectful. If you want to sleep naked together then get your own place. If you''re concerned about his parents seeing you naked then sleep with clothes on.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/23/2008 6:27:54 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
I don''t think I''ve ever been so frustrated reading a post. He is croatian and a different culture. I once dated someone from a different culture for quite a while and I knew that going in his family would be different from mine. DRASTICALLY different is the best way to put it. His mother acted similar to the way your SO''s mom is acting and even his brothers and sisters acted strange towards me. I didn''t live with them but I may as well have since I was at their house all the time to spend time with him. By joining yourselves in marriage you are joining your cultures and families as well. You can''t just change people (a lot of people have had to tell loved ones ''don''t marry so and so because you think you can change them''). So it seems to me that you are either going to have to suck it up and start finding a way to get along with them, or move on. Also, you mentioned that you are only 20 and he is 27 and you''ve been dating for 4 years? Doesn''t that mean when you were 16 that he was 23 and isn''t that well...a bit illegal? Im sorry but I had to say it. I can''t believe a 23 year old would go for a teenager...ok I said it. It''s just, is this the only guy you''ve ever dated? I''m just concerned that since you dated him from such a young age while he was older that you may have gotten attached to him and haven''t had time to see what else is out there...Ok I''m expecting backlash from posting this so let it fly ladies.

Well, I have only gotten through page one of this post and I''m just shaking my head, wondering if I''m just seeing things differently than everyone else. And then finally read Smurfy''s post. Bingo.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 11/25/2008 1:13:29 PM
Author: disneybride
Here is my take. It''s their house, their rules. If they want to come into the bedroom they pay for, they have that right. You said she comes into ''our bedroom.'' If you do not contribute to their mortgage you have no business staking claim in the room And let me tell you something. If I found out my son''s daughter slept naked in bed with him in MY home, that would be the last time she would be welcome to sleep over. It is inappropriate and disrespectful. If you want to sleep naked together then get your own place. If you''re concerned about his parents seeing you naked then sleep with clothes on.

ITA with disney. Except I think she meant ''son''s GF'', because hopefully the son doesn''t sleep with the daughter.

I keep coming back to that because you make it seem like it''s the parents'' fault when you''re the one sleeping naked and your BF''s the one not setting the boundaries. You should be grateful that they let you stay over as much as you do.

I''m still confused though. Do you actually want advice? Because whenever it''s been given here, you defend your actions. I''m not in your shoes, but I''ll tell you that a relationship shouldn''t be this HARD, especially when you''re so young still. You won''t realize it until you''re out of the hard relationship and in an easy one, but believe me, I''ve been there.

 

[diamondglee]

Try looking at it from his parents...a parents perspective. You don't live there, you have no standing, you aren't engaged or married to their son, you aren't part of their family. You seem to expect a lot, you expect a proposal, a ring, you seem to know a lot about how much money he has and feel entitled (already) to the proceeds from the sale of the home to start YOUR life.

What are you bringing to the relationship exactly?

If I were his mom I think I would be concerned that you bring nothing, at least nothing equal to what he brings, into the relationship. I'd be concerned your a 20 yr old gold digger.

None of your behavior in their home...a home which is certainly NOT yours..has been appropriate. You show no respect for their home, his parents. Why then, do you think you are entitled to respect when you don't give it? Respect is earned, not given because you are his girlfriend.

Sorry if thats harsh, but you paint a very unflattering picture of yourself in your posts. No wonder he hasn't proposed.

 

[girlie-girl]

I''m going to apologize in advance, but I can''t get this thought out of my mind.

Are you staying with him because of his money? From all the things he''s paying for, saving for, and the timeframe you''re saying he''s paying... it sounds like he makes QUITE A BIT of money. Is this the case?

*be gentle with me* lol... *runs*