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His mother thinks over 1/2 carat is too big! WWYD?
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Definitely not.Date: 6/25/2010 9:40:03 PM
Author: eudaimonia
Thanks so much for this advice. It seems the consensus is something like 'get what you want' and 'get a backbone'!Part of me agrees with this, or I would have just gone ahead with the smaller stone and not even posted this question. However, I also feel that maintaining harmony in relationships is more important than things, even when the things are very special like an engagement ring. So I'm really torn, and feeling guilty as I look at diamonds in the .7 - .9 carat range.
Re. the future parents-in-law chipping in. I apologize, it honestly slipped my mind in my first post. (The total ring cost will probably be a bit over $5000, so the majority of the cost -- around $4000 -- is coming from my boyfriend.) His mother deposited the $1300 in my boyfriend's 'ring fund' account a couple weeks ago, so at this point it's not a matter of accepting or declining it. We could give it back, of course, if we could figure out a tactful way to do that. If not approached delicately, I'm sure his mother would wonder why we're giving back the money she kindly gave. Ultimately, if I decided to go ahead with a larger carat size, we could afford to do so by dipping into my savings (which I'm actually fine with).
Though his parents have opinions and aren't always relucant to express those opinions to their children, it's not as though their contribution to the ring is *contingent* on him getting a particular size or style. I guess it's natural, though, when you contribute to the cost of anything, even if it's only a fraction of the cost, that you feel you should get a say in how things turn out. They have also offered to pay for a portion of our wedding, but perhaps I should be cautious to accept it. But that's a topic for another post!
Just a side-note, if it makes any difference: my boyfriend's parents didn't contribute to the cost of the other daughter-in-law's e-ring (the one with the pave band), but they still made disapproving remarks to other family members (not to her) about the ring being ostentatious. So, whether his parents don't chip in or do chip in, if a larger diamond would run the risk of making them think I'm wasteful and materialistic, is it really worth it?
That would be the consensus if they weren't helping you pay for it.
The consensus is "don't let them help you pay for it". I too would mail them a check, period. It might be awkward, but I think asserting yourselves as an independent couple that A) isn't to be monetarily controlled, and B) isn't going to turn to mummy and daddy for every little thing, just like you did as children is well worth a little pain!
Tough love, honey.
Imdanny
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Dreamer_D
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You need to give the money back. Your fiance can say, "Thank you for this kind offer but it is important to me that I pay for this on my own since it is a symbol of my committment" and hand over a check.
This is not about the money. This is an important turning point in your relationship with his parents. If they contribute financially then they have a *right* to tell you how to do things. This is an opportunity to set the tone for your relationship with his parents from here on out -- they can offer suggestions, but they have no say in what you and he ultimately do. Then later if they make passive aggressive or snide comments, you can tell them that you paid for it yourselves and you love it, so pleas keep their comments to themselves.
Trust me. This is so not about the ring. This is about control.
This is not about the money. This is an important turning point in your relationship with his parents. If they contribute financially then they have a *right* to tell you how to do things. This is an opportunity to set the tone for your relationship with his parents from here on out -- they can offer suggestions, but they have no say in what you and he ultimately do. Then later if they make passive aggressive or snide comments, you can tell them that you paid for it yourselves and you love it, so pleas keep their comments to themselves.
Trust me. This is so not about the ring. This is about control.
Imdanny
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hlmr
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This is fact. If it wasn't, the money would have come without any strings attached (input from his mother).
If you really want a big looking stone, buy a cubic or a coloured stone to tie you over until you can afford a diamond of this size. Otherwise buy a diamond that you and your FI can afford.
Tacori E-ring
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Exactly. People pay for the right to have control and a say in what others do. It might be presented as a gift but it truly is a control issue. When we were young and starting out, we had friends whose folks chipped in on just about everything. Then they started telling them what to buy - be it a house, washer/dryer or vacuum. They thought it was great to have money given to them. We had no such thing and realized it was complete freedom not to have it. When we bought something, both sides of the family just said ''very nice''. Whether they liked it or not was beside the point. They had no financial stake in it and because we were paying for all of it ourselves, we were free to please only ourselves.
It can be a bit different if people give you a monetary gift to buy with whatever you choose. It is a whole different story though when they start contributing to a particular item. I''d veto that everytime - no matter how enticing it might be.
eudaimonia
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Just to answer a couple questions that were asked earlier in the thread...
I''m in my early twenties and have one semester left of college, and my boyfriend is 26 (he''s a grad student and almost to completion of his grad degree, and he''s paid his own way since he was 19). So being financially dependent or too young isn''t an issue with us. Had his mother never deposited that thirteen hundred dollars, we still likely would have been in the same conundrum. It''s a cultural thing, really: they don''t understand why someone who isn''t materialistic or otherwise misguided would want larger than a 1/2 carat ring.
So even though the $1300 was an unexpected gift from his parents rather than a necessary contribution, perhaps it just makes things more awkward now. I will talk to my boyfriend about the possibility of telling his mother that, for purely symbolic reasons, he wants to pay for the ring on his own. (Then it''ll be up to her whether she still wants to offer it as some sort of engagement gift.)
As for my boyfriend''s stance, he wavers back and forth. As with most men, diamonds aren''t a matter of critical importance to him
, so he''s probably just likely to be influenced by whoever he''s talking to at the moment. He wants to be supportive of me, but he also thinks his mother is a reasonable woman and tends to defer to her if she expresses a strong opinion on something.
I''m in my early twenties and have one semester left of college, and my boyfriend is 26 (he''s a grad student and almost to completion of his grad degree, and he''s paid his own way since he was 19). So being financially dependent or too young isn''t an issue with us. Had his mother never deposited that thirteen hundred dollars, we still likely would have been in the same conundrum. It''s a cultural thing, really: they don''t understand why someone who isn''t materialistic or otherwise misguided would want larger than a 1/2 carat ring.
So even though the $1300 was an unexpected gift from his parents rather than a necessary contribution, perhaps it just makes things more awkward now. I will talk to my boyfriend about the possibility of telling his mother that, for purely symbolic reasons, he wants to pay for the ring on his own. (Then it''ll be up to her whether she still wants to offer it as some sort of engagement gift.)
As for my boyfriend''s stance, he wavers back and forth. As with most men, diamonds aren''t a matter of critical importance to him
february2003bride
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Do NOT let your BF accept that $1300! He can give them back the money with a thank you note saying that while he appreciates it and their support, the ring symbolizes the beginning of his life commitment to YOU, and that he will be purchasing it himself. Also, keep MIL''s involvement on the diamond/ring choice to zero.
Do a search on "hate my ring" and a few pop up, all invlolving the MIL in some way.
Some oldies but goodies:
Hate my ring thread #1
Hate my ring thread #2
Also, you can get a beautiful .70-.90 carat solitaire on a $4K budget.
Good luck!
Do a search on "hate my ring" and a few pop up, all invlolving the MIL in some way.
Some oldies but goodies:
Hate my ring thread #1
Hate my ring thread #2
Also, you can get a beautiful .70-.90 carat solitaire on a $4K budget.
Good luck!
Imdanny
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eudaimonia
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I wanted to clarify a miscommunication. It''s hard to get every pertinent detail out there when writing up a quick post. 
Neither of us are financially dependent on our parents in any way. The $1300 his mother recently deposited is not necessary for my ring, whether it''s a chip or a 1/2 carat or a .9 carat. As students, we don''t have an excess of funds, but we do have some savings, including savings that my boyfriend set aside specifically for this purchase. (And yes, that''s money he made on his own.) When I said that I was worried his parents would think "Oh, they are just students, why does she need a 3/4 carat diamond", I was only trying to explain how they''d see things from their point of view. If it counts for anything, my future husband will be in a fairly lucrative career once he leaves grad school (which is soon), and the sentimentalist in me is really adverse to the thought of upgrading later. The stone we get for our engagement is the stone I plan to wear for life, whether it''s a chip or 1/2 carat or .9 carat.
My boyfriend and I have been talking about rings for several months now, and his mother just offered the gift only 2 weeks ago. Let''s assume she never had. If we were to get, say, a .7 carat, my boyfriend can afford that entirely with his own ring fund. If I really wanted something more like a .9 carat, I''m able and willing to dip into my savings for that. The plan all along never involved any contribution from his parents. It just sort of happened, without our asking for it.
I truly believe they were just trying to be loving and generous, and that they weren''t trying to be controlling by offering the gift. Their opinions on carat size (and on expensive purchases in general) are independent of whether they contribute anything, and that was my primary concern when I posted my question. I was asking whether I should be sensitive and deferring to the values of my future husbands'' family, and whether it might be selfish to do something that is clearly NOT accepted by his family for the sake of my own (purely aesthetic) preferences.
I''m sorry for any misunderstanding...
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In-laws will frequently have opinions: this is because they are, you know, human. That said, the *polite* humans know to keep it to themselves. I am pretty sure my in-laws think that I am stark, raving mad with my diamond fixation, but they've only ever said polite things about it to my face, or to my husband's.
I'm sure your MIL thinks she means well in advising her baby boy, but she's out of line. It's not her place to counsel her adult son on what to present to his future fiance, and it is *most certainly* not her place to badmouth her daughter-in-law. It sounds like she is the mother of sons alone - perhaps she has a bit of overprotectiveness going on, or perhaps she has the "if a half carat was good enough for *my generation!" thing going on. Whatever it is: don't worry about her opinion, and let your fiance-to-be know how important it is to you that you guys present a united front. If, in the end, *you* choose to get a smaller ring together, that will be awesome both symbolically and practically. If you wind up getting a ring that's other than what you want because your MIL's feelings have more influence over your fiance than yours, I have the sneaking suspicion that will taint it, and other parts of your relationship, for years to come.
P.S. - Good decision on the "gift" - that didn't just have strings attached. It had hawsers.
I'm sure your MIL thinks she means well in advising her baby boy, but she's out of line. It's not her place to counsel her adult son on what to present to his future fiance, and it is *most certainly* not her place to badmouth her daughter-in-law. It sounds like she is the mother of sons alone - perhaps she has a bit of overprotectiveness going on, or perhaps she has the "if a half carat was good enough for *my generation!" thing going on. Whatever it is: don't worry about her opinion, and let your fiance-to-be know how important it is to you that you guys present a united front. If, in the end, *you* choose to get a smaller ring together, that will be awesome both symbolically and practically. If you wind up getting a ring that's other than what you want because your MIL's feelings have more influence over your fiance than yours, I have the sneaking suspicion that will taint it, and other parts of your relationship, for years to come.
P.S. - Good decision on the "gift" - that didn't just have strings attached. It had hawsers.
february2003bride
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Totally understandDate: 6/25/2010 10:46:40 PM
Author: eudaimonia
I wanted to clarify a miscommunication. It''s hard to get every pertinent detail out there when writing up a quick post.
Neither of us are financially dependent on our parents in any way. The $1300 his mother recently deposited is not necessary for my ring, whether it''s a chip or a 1/2 carat or a .9 carat. As students, we don''t have an excess of funds, but we do have some savings, including savings that my boyfriend set aside specifically for this purchase. (And yes, that''s money he made on his own.) When I said that I was worried his parents would think ''Oh, they are just students, why does she need a 3/4 carat diamond'', I was only trying to explain how they''d see things from their point of view. If it counts for anything, my future husband will be in a fairly lucrative career once he leaves grad school (which is soon), and the sentimentalist in me is really adverse to the thought of upgrading later. The stone we get for our engagement is the stone I plan to wear for life, whether it''s a chip or 1/2 carat or .9 carat.
My boyfriend and I have been talking about rings for several months now, and his mother just offered the gift only 2 weeks ago. Let''s assume she never had. If we were to get, say, a .7 carat, my boyfriend can afford that entirely with his own ring fund. If I really wanted something more like a .9 carat, I''m able and willing to dip into my savings for that. The plan all along never involved any contribution from his parents. It just sort of happened, without our asking for it.
I truly believe they were just trying to be loving and generous, and that they weren''t trying to be controlling by offering the gift. Their opinions on carat size (and on expensive purchases in general) are independent of whether they contribute anything, and that was my primary concern when I posted my question. I was asking whether I should be sensitive and deferring to the values of my future husbands'' family, and whether it might be selfish to do something that is clearly NOT accepted by his family for the sake of my own (purely aesthetic) preferences.
I''m sorry for any misunderstanding...
Get the size you want, especially since you are sentimental and you (I assume from your post) don''t want to ever upgrade or change the diamond or setting. While it''s great that your inlaws are frugal, you and your BF are not putting the ring on credit, or spending beyond your means. I hope your BF gets you the ring and diamond size that you really want! Best of luck!
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I agree with februarybride2003, I think you should get the diamond size that you want, especially considering you won''t be upgrading in the future. This is a decision that you and your FI should make, not your future MIL. And she''s not the one who will be wearing this ring for the rest of her life, you are! I wish you all the best, and I hope you get the ring of your dreams!
Dreamer_D
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Yes, the money was a generous gift offered from the kindness of their hearts. But that does not change the fact that accepting the gift will give them say over what happens.
We are financially independent too and my in laws gave us a lot of money for our wedding as did my family. My mom wrote me a check and said, "Go for it!". His family wanted a spread sheeted budget and a timeline of all the expenses
. Though they never questioned what we spent it on in the literal sense, they still wanted control over how it was spent, and therefore they had control over us. They are lovely people, generous and giving, but when it comes to money we will never ask them for anything again in our lives after that experience and a few others as well. My mom, on the other hand, is very open and easy about money (despite her relative lack, funnily enough) and loaned us money when we bought our house and it caused no stress or wierdness at all.
Some families are open about money and easygoing about staying out of the younger generation''s business. Some are *not*. Just reading all you wrote, I have the inkling that his family falls into the "not good about money and giving up control" camp. To even think they have a right to an opinion about what ring you two get implies a lack of boundaries.
These things are normal in families, but make no mistake -- no matter how loving and wonderful his family is, they can also be controlling
Pay for it yourself, and get what *you* want to get. It is none of their business. And who cares what they think anyways? Really. Who. Cares. If a ring matters this much to them, imagine how they will be about raising the grad kids? Or other MUCH more important things. As I said, this is a symbolic decision, it is not just about the ring. Create boundaries now and you will be much happier down the road.
Oh, and your boyfriend must be the one to set the boundaries, not you. It is his family and any decisions and requests need to come from him, not from you.
We are financially independent too and my in laws gave us a lot of money for our wedding as did my family. My mom wrote me a check and said, "Go for it!". His family wanted a spread sheeted budget and a timeline of all the expenses
Some families are open about money and easygoing about staying out of the younger generation''s business. Some are *not*. Just reading all you wrote, I have the inkling that his family falls into the "not good about money and giving up control" camp. To even think they have a right to an opinion about what ring you two get implies a lack of boundaries.
These things are normal in families, but make no mistake -- no matter how loving and wonderful his family is, they can also be controlling
Pay for it yourself, and get what *you* want to get. It is none of their business. And who cares what they think anyways? Really. Who. Cares. If a ring matters this much to them, imagine how they will be about raising the grad kids? Or other MUCH more important things. As I said, this is a symbolic decision, it is not just about the ring. Create boundaries now and you will be much happier down the road.
Oh, and your boyfriend must be the one to set the boundaries, not you. It is his family and any decisions and requests need to come from him, not from you.
FrekeChild
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merilenda
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I won''t get into what I think you should or shouldn''t do, but I just want to throw out there that you can definitely get a nice .7-.9 ct ring for $4000. My e-ring is a .71 AVC (it''s a beautiful diamond) in a pave setting, and it was less than $3000.
I''d take the money your BF has saved and buy the diamond you want (you can definitely get a great stone in that size range for $4000 - and many of the PS vendors have great upgrade policies). Then maybe thank his parents for their generous offer, but let them know that you didn''t end up needing the extra money for the ring you purchased.
I''d take the money your BF has saved and buy the diamond you want (you can definitely get a great stone in that size range for $4000 - and many of the PS vendors have great upgrade policies). Then maybe thank his parents for their generous offer, but let them know that you didn''t end up needing the extra money for the ring you purchased.
eudaimonia
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I''ll ask what my boyfriend thinks about trying to gently return the monetary gift from his mother; but after some reflection, I see that this could possibly back-fire. My boyfriend has already graciously accepted the gift and I''ll have to trust his opinion on this, as his mother is sensitive and easily hurt. There''s a risk that giving it back for any reason might offend her (she might think that I was sending her a message to "back off", which wouldn''t be entirely untrue, but it''s still not the message I want to send).
I agree that the best thing is to set boundaries now, though returning the gift that was given in love may not be required to set boundaries, nor is it necessarily a good idea -- especially if it could offend the gift-giver. I am positive that the gift was never intended as a means of control. His parents are not tyrants; they just have strong opinions on certain topics and I''m relucant to go against the norms and values of my boyfriend''s family. I really wasn''t thinking of their gift/contribution as a major factor in this matter until it was brought up by another poster.
I''m proud of my boyfriend for getting through all these years of school without financial help from his parents (and without any debt); so if his parents see our impending engagement and wedding as an opportunity to extend their generosity, well, that doesn''t mean that we''re spoiled or that they''re controlling. Nor would it make the e-ring any less meaningful if he does use their gift for part of it. I know many, many people have had family members help out with engagement ring costs; that doesn''t (necessarily) demean the ring''s symbolic significance. His parents are proud of their son and they intended to show their love to both of us. The comments about "nothing in life is free", etc., were a bit unnecessary. We have not been spoiled materially in our adult lives, though the love in our families is abundant. Hence their gift. Hence my desire to respect his parents'' views, even if I disagree and find a 3/4 carat awfully pretty while still being modest.
Thanks again for your advice and suggestions. I will have to think more about this, and I''ll update you if I end up getting some major three-quarter carat bling.
Crossing my fingers that my future MIL doesn''t come to pricescope for ideas and stumble upon this thread...!
I agree that the best thing is to set boundaries now, though returning the gift that was given in love may not be required to set boundaries, nor is it necessarily a good idea -- especially if it could offend the gift-giver. I am positive that the gift was never intended as a means of control. His parents are not tyrants; they just have strong opinions on certain topics and I''m relucant to go against the norms and values of my boyfriend''s family. I really wasn''t thinking of their gift/contribution as a major factor in this matter until it was brought up by another poster.
I''m proud of my boyfriend for getting through all these years of school without financial help from his parents (and without any debt); so if his parents see our impending engagement and wedding as an opportunity to extend their generosity, well, that doesn''t mean that we''re spoiled or that they''re controlling. Nor would it make the e-ring any less meaningful if he does use their gift for part of it. I know many, many people have had family members help out with engagement ring costs; that doesn''t (necessarily) demean the ring''s symbolic significance. His parents are proud of their son and they intended to show their love to both of us. The comments about "nothing in life is free", etc., were a bit unnecessary. We have not been spoiled materially in our adult lives, though the love in our families is abundant. Hence their gift. Hence my desire to respect his parents'' views, even if I disagree and find a 3/4 carat awfully pretty while still being modest.
Thanks again for your advice and suggestions. I will have to think more about this, and I''ll update you if I end up getting some major three-quarter carat bling.
Crossing my fingers that my future MIL doesn''t come to pricescope for ideas and stumble upon this thread...!
Rae~
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If your FI truly feels you can't return the money, is there a way to separate the monetary gift from the ring decision completely?
I guess I am thinking something along the lines of, identifying another item (of similar or higher cost than the gift) which you as a couple would like to buy but perhaps cannot quite afford yet. A new couch, or something like that? Obviously this would entail your FI saying to his parents that he/you both were uncomfortable accepting a cash gift towards something so personal and significant to you both as a couple, and advising them that you'd (both) prefer to use the money towards XXX item, in lieu of an engagement present.(I'd suggest saying this only after directly OFFERING to return the cash, at least.)
It might be a way of separating their cash gift from your engagement ring, at least in some way. Then, if they do ask how big it is or how much you spent, you can use one of the wonderful suggestions further back in the thread, such as saying that you don't know but it is a perfect size for you, or that it's perfect size for you and you got a great deal.
I realise that without actually returning the money it is difficult to separate the gift from the ring purchase (at least in their minds), but perhaps somehow this could be an option that works for you.
Good luck! But I definitely agree your ring should be funded exclusively by your FI and/or you.
I guess I am thinking something along the lines of, identifying another item (of similar or higher cost than the gift) which you as a couple would like to buy but perhaps cannot quite afford yet. A new couch, or something like that? Obviously this would entail your FI saying to his parents that he/you both were uncomfortable accepting a cash gift towards something so personal and significant to you both as a couple, and advising them that you'd (both) prefer to use the money towards XXX item, in lieu of an engagement present.(I'd suggest saying this only after directly OFFERING to return the cash, at least.)
It might be a way of separating their cash gift from your engagement ring, at least in some way. Then, if they do ask how big it is or how much you spent, you can use one of the wonderful suggestions further back in the thread, such as saying that you don't know but it is a perfect size for you, or that it's perfect size for you and you got a great deal.
I realise that without actually returning the money it is difficult to separate the gift from the ring purchase (at least in their minds), but perhaps somehow this could be an option that works for you.
Good luck! But I definitely agree your ring should be funded exclusively by your FI and/or you.
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MissMina
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swingirl
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0.822ct I VS1
Here is a lovely stone for $3000. You could stay within your $4000 budget and return the $1300.
Get a ring you can afford and don't accept any attachments to an engagement ring. Stone sizes are smaller in the Midwest and 20-30 years ago a 1/2 carat was considered large (they were also expensive). I know quite a few brides whom had 1/4ct stones and were thrilled. It was a different time. His parents are probably of that mind set.
But you and your BF need to do what's right for yourselves and a .75+ size stone is not "too much" for 2010.
Regarding the money, why don't you say you are putting it aside for the honeymoon and BF is paying for the ring himself with what he has saved.
Here is a lovely stone for $3000. You could stay within your $4000 budget and return the $1300.
Get a ring you can afford and don't accept any attachments to an engagement ring. Stone sizes are smaller in the Midwest and 20-30 years ago a 1/2 carat was considered large (they were also expensive). I know quite a few brides whom had 1/4ct stones and were thrilled. It was a different time. His parents are probably of that mind set.
But you and your BF need to do what's right for yourselves and a .75+ size stone is not "too much" for 2010.
Regarding the money, why don't you say you are putting it aside for the honeymoon and BF is paying for the ring himself with what he has saved.
MissMina
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Were I in your shoes, I would consider my main problem to be this:
"He wants to be supportive of me, but he also thinks his mother is a reasonable woman and tends to defer to her if she expresses a strong opinion on something."
The problem is not the carat weight of the diamond, not the $1300 contribution but the above statement.
The family dynamic with regard to money would make me uneasy. The parents consider the guy on his own from age 19. No financial support for education or living expenses, none at all, he is completely independent. Then suddenly, at age 26(!), when he is on the cusp of a lucrative career and starting his own family, mom deposits money into his "engagement ring fund" account without his consent. Seriously?
If I were in *his* shoes, I'd wait until I had that lucrative job before getting engaged. What's the rush? If he's been able to put himself through college and grad school and still manage to save $4000 it shouldn't take him all that long to save for a ring, wedding and honeymoon when he's working in his lucrative field. Then he can take the $1300 gift and buy his mom something nice with it.
"He wants to be supportive of me, but he also thinks his mother is a reasonable woman and tends to defer to her if she expresses a strong opinion on something."
The problem is not the carat weight of the diamond, not the $1300 contribution but the above statement.
The family dynamic with regard to money would make me uneasy. The parents consider the guy on his own from age 19. No financial support for education or living expenses, none at all, he is completely independent. Then suddenly, at age 26(!), when he is on the cusp of a lucrative career and starting his own family, mom deposits money into his "engagement ring fund" account without his consent. Seriously?
If I were in *his* shoes, I'd wait until I had that lucrative job before getting engaged. What's the rush? If he's been able to put himself through college and grad school and still manage to save $4000 it shouldn't take him all that long to save for a ring, wedding and honeymoon when he's working in his lucrative field. Then he can take the $1300 gift and buy his mom something nice with it.
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Date: 6/26/2010 3:16:48 AM
Author: eudaimonia
I''ll ask what my boyfriend thinks about trying to gently return the monetary gift from his mother; but after some reflection, I see that this could possibly back-fire. My boyfriend has already graciously accepted the gift and I''ll have to trust his opinion on this, as his mother is sensitive and easily hurt. There''s a risk that giving it back for any reason might offend her (she might think that I was sending her a message to ''back off'', which wouldn''t be entirely untrue, but it''s still not the message I want to send).
I agree that the best thing is to set boundaries now, though returning the gift that was given in love may not be required to set boundaries, nor is it necessarily a good idea -- especially if it could offend the gift-giver. I am positive that the gift was never intended as a means of control. His parents are not tyrants; they just have strong opinions on certain topics and I''m relucant to go against the norms and values of my boyfriend''s family. I really wasn''t thinking of their gift/contribution as a major factor in this matter until it was brought up by another poster.
I''m proud of my boyfriend for getting through all these years of school without financial help from his parents (and without any debt); so if his parents see our impending engagement and wedding as an opportunity to extend their generosity, well, that doesn''t mean that we''re spoiled or that they''re controlling. Nor would it make the e-ring any less meaningful if he does use their gift for part of it. I know many, many people have had family members help out with engagement ring costs; that doesn''t (necessarily) demean the ring''s symbolic significance. His parents are proud of their son and they intended to show their love to both of us. The comments about ''nothing in life is free'', etc., were a bit unnecessary. We have not been spoiled materially in our adult lives, though the love in our families is abundant. Hence their gift. Hence my desire to respect his parents'' views, even if I disagree and find a 3/4 carat awfully pretty while still being modest.
Thanks again for your advice and suggestions. I will have to think more about this, and I''ll update you if I end up getting some major three-quarter carat bling.
Crossing my fingers that my future MIL doesn''t come to pricescope for ideas and stumble upon this thread...!
Thinking about this a little more ... there''s an odd kind of a mixed message in adding $1300 to his account, and then counseling a smaller ring. Are they aware of how much he saved? Do they think that whatever doesn''t go towards the ring ought to go towards something else? Or are they D IF proponents (seems unlikely if they''re frugal, but for a half-carat ring of over 5K, it doesn''t seem impossible).
When I say controlling, btw, I don''t mean your FMIL is a bad person. Just, possibly, that there might be some underlying subconscious motivations in play. Perhaps, whatever you do, you should just ... not give too many details? Saying your ring is "a bit over half a carat" is completely honest if you''re hovering around the .70 mark, and not too many people can tell just by looking. Adopting the less-is-more approach to information once in a while can be a valuable thing ....
iheartscience
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2007
- Messages
- 12,111
$1300 or no $1300, your boyfriend should not value his mother''s opinion more than he values yours. It seems you both agreed on a size you like for your e-ring and nothing should affect that decision provided you can afford it, which you''ve made clear you can.
If your MIL makes nasty remarks about her DIL''s 1/2 carat diamond ring, I''m betting she''ll make them about your ring too, regardless of carat weight. It''s clearly not about the ring in that situation, because the DIL has the MIL-approved size. Therefore I think it''s safe to assume that it''s not about the ring in your case, either. It''s about MIL exerting control.
The thought of my MIL having any influence over my engagement ring or any other purchase my husband and I make is unfathomable. It''s completely inappropriate for your MIL to say a word about it, other than "Sounds beautiful!" That''s what I think you''re having a hard time seeing. And I don''t mean that in a condescending way. It just seems like you''re a people pleaser and are focusing on making her happy instead of looking at the big picture. If you let your MIL dictate the size of your engagement ring you''re setting yourself up for a long marriage of being controlled. Your boyfriend needs to understand that his mother''s opinion isn''t important AT ALL when it comes to things that involve you and your relationship. The only opinions that matter are yours and your boyfriend''s.
If your MIL makes nasty remarks about her DIL''s 1/2 carat diamond ring, I''m betting she''ll make them about your ring too, regardless of carat weight. It''s clearly not about the ring in that situation, because the DIL has the MIL-approved size. Therefore I think it''s safe to assume that it''s not about the ring in your case, either. It''s about MIL exerting control.
The thought of my MIL having any influence over my engagement ring or any other purchase my husband and I make is unfathomable. It''s completely inappropriate for your MIL to say a word about it, other than "Sounds beautiful!" That''s what I think you''re having a hard time seeing. And I don''t mean that in a condescending way. It just seems like you''re a people pleaser and are focusing on making her happy instead of looking at the big picture. If you let your MIL dictate the size of your engagement ring you''re setting yourself up for a long marriage of being controlled. Your boyfriend needs to understand that his mother''s opinion isn''t important AT ALL when it comes to things that involve you and your relationship. The only opinions that matter are yours and your boyfriend''s.
HVVS
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2009
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- 816
I'd :
** return or not use that $1300 parental contribution.
** max the center diamond with the remaining money.
** set it in a stock solitaire setting.
** Later, after you both get started in careers, you could remount the diamond. If you have to cut the budget now, cut the mounting. You even might see something you like better later. Change it for the wedding, maybe.
Or, you could start smaller than .75, and purchase through a PS vendor who's been in in business a while, and upgrade later. The problem with that is how much later, and will that vendor still be in business at that point.
I have seen quite a few nice looking under 1-ct diamonds in pawn shops and secondhand jewelry shops. I bought a 1ct and a .8ct that way. The .8 is J VS-something, not ideal cut, but still a pretty stone, and I paid only $1100 for it unmounted. The 1ct was $3k in a used solitaire setting. I have a gorgeous GOG H&A diamond that's my avatar, and that $3k 1ct holds up well to it, cut-wise.
** return or not use that $1300 parental contribution.
** max the center diamond with the remaining money.
** set it in a stock solitaire setting.
** Later, after you both get started in careers, you could remount the diamond. If you have to cut the budget now, cut the mounting. You even might see something you like better later. Change it for the wedding, maybe.
Or, you could start smaller than .75, and purchase through a PS vendor who's been in in business a while, and upgrade later. The problem with that is how much later, and will that vendor still be in business at that point.
I have seen quite a few nice looking under 1-ct diamonds in pawn shops and secondhand jewelry shops. I bought a 1ct and a .8ct that way. The .8 is J VS-something, not ideal cut, but still a pretty stone, and I paid only $1100 for it unmounted. The 1ct was $3k in a used solitaire setting. I have a gorgeous GOG H&A diamond that's my avatar, and that $3k 1ct holds up well to it, cut-wise.
Prana
Brilliant_Rock
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- Mar 30, 2009
- Messages
- 1,321
I agree with everyone that this is about control. I too find it odd that your BF paid his own way through two college degrees, then all of the sudden is gifted $1,300 when they learn he is going to propose.
Why $1,300? Why not $1,000 or $1,500? I''m not implying anything, and a gift is a gift, no matter the amount, but it just seems random to me. And why all of the sudden?
JFF, I went to the zales website and looked up 1/2 carat sotaires, they range in price from $999 to $1499. Maybe she did some ''research'' and deposited an inbetween amount, thinking that her son would be grateful not to have to use any of his savings, only having to use the money she gave him, then she would have her wish of no DIL owning a big gaudy 0.9 carat ring
Okay, maybe that''s a little far-fetched...
Why $1,300? Why not $1,000 or $1,500? I''m not implying anything, and a gift is a gift, no matter the amount, but it just seems random to me. And why all of the sudden?
JFF, I went to the zales website and looked up 1/2 carat sotaires, they range in price from $999 to $1499. Maybe she did some ''research'' and deposited an inbetween amount, thinking that her son would be grateful not to have to use any of his savings, only having to use the money she gave him, then she would have her wish of no DIL owning a big gaudy 0.9 carat ring
Okay, maybe that''s a little far-fetched...
waterlilly
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2007
- Messages
- 955
No, no, no, no, no!! Do NOT accept money from his parents to buy YOUR engagement ring!!!
Continue to save until you have the ring you both feel comfortable and excited about.
And, are you looking at PS vendors for stones? You will get a LOT MORE bang for your buck if you seek help here finding a diamond and ring to go with it, I PROMISE you!
Keep them as far OUT of this process as possible, they have quickly proven they do NOT deserve to be involved!
Continue to save until you have the ring you both feel comfortable and excited about.
And, are you looking at PS vendors for stones? You will get a LOT MORE bang for your buck if you seek help here finding a diamond and ring to go with it, I PROMISE you!
Keep them as far OUT of this process as possible, they have quickly proven they do NOT deserve to be involved!
Past, Present, Future: The Meaning of Three-Stone Engagement Rings
Past, Present, Future: The Meaning of Three-Stone Engagement Rings - 04/14
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