His mother thinks over 1/2 carat is too big! WWYD?

[E B]

While I agree with many of the previous posts, I'll play Devil's Advocate for a second. If you truly suspect that your MIL isn't trying to be controlling, that she's probably more concerned with the financial aspect of this purchase, I can (sort of) understand where she's coming from. You said your boyfriend has put himself through school but, as students, you're not exactly rolling in dough. And now that you're about to get engaged, her hard-working son is about to drop thousands of dollars he spent two years saving that could go to other, more important things (in her eyes) on a ring. Sure, you're adults and it isn't any of her business, but it's clearly on her mind. It is what it is, reasonable or not.

That said, I think you can do what you want to do without stepping on too many toes. You said you're not comfortable flat-out returning the money before you've purchased a ring, so what about this: Find a diamond and a setting within boyfriend's budget alone. He could tell his mom that he got such a great deal, he didn't need to use her money, and let her decide if she'd like it back, or if she'd like for you to keep it as an engagement gift. Mom doesn't need to know the size of the diamond, or how much it cost, as long as she knows he didn't spend too much money on it. If it's the cost she's truly concerned about, that should be the end of it. And if she continues to talk about it, well, it probably is a control issue. And for your sake, I hope it isn't, because it won't end here.

Good luck to you both!

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 6/25/2010 8:41:11 PM
Author: MC
Why are they pitching money in? IMO, wait till you can afford the ring you want OR use *just* the ring fund your boyfriend has and buy a diamond from a vendor with an excellent trade up policy and trade up when you can afford to.

ETA - it's a bit confusing why you didn't tell in the original post that the inlaws would be chipping in. That's crucial to the story.

Ditto.

ETA: sorry, I missed a lot of explanatory detail from you. I get the complete picture now. I think you should buy as large a carat size as you want and can afford for the $4,000 your FI has saved up and not use his parents' money for the ring. You could then offer to give it back, since you didn't need it.

 

[cemrn]

Date: 6/26/2010 10:01:37 AM
Author: E B
While I agree with many of the previous posts, I''ll play Devil''s Advocate for a second. If you truly suspect that your MIL isn''t trying to be controlling, that she''s probably more concerned with the financial aspect of this purchase, I can (sort of) understand where she''s coming from. You said your boyfriend has put himself through school but, as students, you''re not exactly rolling in dough. And now that you''re about to get engaged, her hard-working son is about to drop thousands of dollars he spent two years saving that could go to other, more important things (in her eyes) on a ring. Sure, you''re adults and it isn''t any of her business, but it''s clearly on her mind. It is what it is, reasonable or not.


That said, I think you can do what you want to do without stepping on too many toes. You said you''re not comfortable flat-out returning the money before you''ve purchased a ring, so what about this: Find a diamond and a setting within boyfriend''s budget alone. He could tell his mom that he got such a great deal, he didn''t need to use her money, and let her decide if she''d like it back, or if she''d like for you to keep it as an engagement gift. Mom doesn''t need to know the size of the diamond, or how much it cost, as long as she knows he didn''t spend too much money on it. If it''s the cost she''s truly concerned about, that should be the end of it. And if she continues to talk about it, well, it probably is a control issue. And for your sake, I hope it isn''t, because it won''t end here.

This is excellent advice


Good luck to you both!

 

[Maria D]

Date: 6/26/2010 9:49:31 AM
Author: girlface
I agree with everyone that this is about control. I too find it odd that your BF paid his own way through two college degrees, then all of the sudden is gifted $1,300 when they learn he is going to propose.


Why $1,300? Why not $1,000 or $1,500? I''m not implying anything, and a gift is a gift, no matter the amount, but it just seems random to me. And why all of the sudden?


JFF, I went to the zales website and looked up 1/2 carat sotaires, they range in price from $999 to $1499. Maybe she did some ''research'' and deposited an inbetween amount, thinking that her son would be grateful not to have to use any of his savings, only having to use the money she gave him, then she would have her wish of no DIL owning a big gaudy 0.9 carat ring

Okay, maybe that''s a little far-fetched...

I don''t think that''s far fetched at all; in fact I think you nailed it. Mom definitely did research, she even sent links! I wouldn''t be at all surprised if those links were to ~$1300 rings.

But I really don''t think Mom is the problem here. IMO, it is totally on BF to deal with mom. He could have just said, thanks but no thanks mom, and not mentioned it to the OP. Instead, he came back with the idea to go with a mom-approved ring. The common theme to the responses seems to be MIL is controlling, get her out of your business, nip this in the bud. But, again IMO, that''s not the OP''s responsibility unless she wants to create bad blood with the in-laws before they are even officially in-laws. The *son* has to deal with his parents. All the OP can do is deal with her BF.

The question isn''t whether to get a smaller diamond because a larger one offends future MIL''s sensibilities; the question is whether to get a smaller diamond because BF places appeasing mom over pleasing you.

 

[somethingshiny]

Ditto Thing''s post about DIL having the "right size" according to MIL and MIL still finding fault.

Also, doesn''t sound like MIL actually KNOWS too much about stones. If you get the stone you want, do you really think she''ll KNOW that it''s bigger than .5?? You definitely have no obligation to tell her the stats of your ring.

Aside from the chip-in (which has been beat to death by now), if a ring causes disharmony in the family, you''ll be in for a rough road. You should be able to look at your ring and swell with happiness, not wonder what MIL thinks.

Bottom line: (if you get what you want) She''ll either be pissed for a really long time, or she''ll get over it. Those are the only options. With planning a wedding, starting a life together, beginning careers, possibly having a family, I''d bet she''ll get over it.

 

[E B]

OP, just out of curiosity, what kind of a diamond/setting do you have your eye on?

 

[Dreamer_D]

If you want to keep the money, prior to your engagement, I would tell them that you have put their money into your wedding fund and plan to use it to help pay for flowers (or some other thing) so that they know exactly what it will be spent on, and it is not the ring.

And even with the extra information, I still see the whole thing the same way. Them saying "Here is a *gift* of $1300 to use on an e-ring... and by the way you must get only a .50ct no larger and here are some links from the internet..." how is that not controlling on some level? Like Circe, I do not think they are bad people, the most wonderful and loving parents and never-the-less often quite controlling of their children for benign reasons.

 

[chemgirl]

Maybe your future MIL is acting out of concern rather than a need to control. Does your boyfriend have savings outside of the ring fund? Does he have a concrete job offer lined up after graduation? I don''t know your boyfriend''s field, but new grads don''t always just fall in to lucrative jobs. I completed a masters degree in chemical engineering two years ago and many of my fellow graduates are either unemployed, or employed in a different field. I have several friends who have completed PhD''s within the last year and with the exception of one person who has continued working at the University, they are all unemployed and living on their savings. I had to live on my savings for several months after graduating while I waited for the "right" position. There were times when I wanted to just give up and take a lower paying, lower level job. I am thrilled that I had a financial cushion that allowed me to wait for my current position. Looking for a professional job is a job. It requires you to be available during business hours to search for jobs, attend networking events, visit potential employers, and travel for interviews. Its really hard to pull this off if you''re working part time to pay your expenses.

If none of this is a concern, I think you can totally just get the ring you want and use your future MIL''s gift for something else. If she didn''t specify it was to go towards the ring, find another use for it. It might help if you spend it on something she would see as practical.

 

[betty6333]

sounds like the mother has some issues about her ring. That should not be your problem though.
I think a 1 carat is a great size.
Hopefully he can put his mothers issues aside and you can get a ring that you will enjoy.

1 carat is not too big at all IMO, and I am sorry her ring is a half carat, but that should not be the reason you have to get a smaller ring.

Get the size you want, and then if the MIL wants to "out do you" she can upgrade her half carat or remember that this is your relationship and not HERS!!!!

 

[AprilBaby]

When my son got engaged he took me along to pick a ring because he trusted I knew more about diamonds than him. I can understand the part about the MIL helping with picking the ring. That said, we looked for the biggest, best diamond we could get with HIS money. I was so proud to see my DIL with a really nice ring. I can''t understand the MIL wanting to limit her son to a certain size. Get the nicest ring you can afford with HIS money and use HER money for something for the two of you. And get what size YOU want and thank her for the money you used together for your joint gift!

 

[junebug17]

Dreamer made a point that I was going to make but forgot, and I just want to emphasize it...I don't think you should use the $1300 towards the ring, I think your fi should politely tell his parents he would prefer to pay for the ring himself for sentimental reasons and that the money will be used for a wedding expense, such as flowers, photographer, etc. People can be a little weird about money, and his mother may feel on some level that she has a say in the ring because of the gift, even though you don't think so. Who knows, but not using the money for the ring removes that issue. I can understand that it would be awkward to just give the money back, so I think this is a good compromise.

 

[Haven]

Date: 6/26/2010 12:35:22 PM
Author: junebug17
Dreamer made a point that I was going to make but forgot, and I just want to emphasize it...I don''t think you should use the $1300 towards the ring, I think your fi should politely tell his parents he would prefer to pay for the ring himself for sentimental reasons and that the money will be used for a wedding expense, such as flowers, photographer, etc. People can be a little weird about money, and his mother may feel on some level that she has a say in the ring because of the gift, even though you don''t think so. Who knows, but not using the money for the ring removes that issue. I can understand that it would be awkward to just give the money back, so I think this is a good compromise.

I agree with this.

HOWEVER, the FIRST thing I would do in this situation would be to tell my boyfriend to close that account and open a new one that his mother does not have access to! Maybe I''m reading your posts wrong, but the way you wrote it, it sounds like his mother deposited that money directly into his account, which means she has ACCESS to his financial accounts. That is not the way to independence from your parents, IMO.

(I got this from your post on the first page which included " His mother deposited the $1300 in my boyfriend''s "ring fund" account a couple weeks ago, so at this point it''s not a matter of accepting or declining it.")

Then, I''d follow Dreamer and Junebug''s advice and get the ring YOU want with the money HE saved. I would never be comfortable knowing that I allowed someone else to dictate such an important decision.

 

[eudaimonia]

Re. why FMIL deposited $1300. She told my boyfriend that she and his father would like to contribute $1000, which he happily and gratefully accepted. When my boyfriend checked his account a few days later, he discovered that she had thrown in a few "extra" hundred.

She was clearly going out of her way to be nice about this. (On a side-note, we will certainly get a different, private bank account once we''re married!)

FMIL knew that my boyfriend had set aside a ring fund, though I''m not sure if she knows exactly how much he has saved. I''ll have to ask him. (I was surprised, too, and had been thinking for the last several months that I''d probably be buying my own ring!)

If we do decide to not use FMIL''s gift, you''ve given some helpful suggestions on how to go about it. For FF to say something to FMIL the effect of, "We were able to get a great deal on the perfect ring without using your gift; would you like me to return it to you or perhaps put it towards a Starting Life Together fund?" probably wouldn''t offend. But I would ask FF to say that *after* we make the purchase; that way, it''s already a done deal and FMIL can''t try to persuade him to get something different -- even if she doesn''t like or understand the final product.

For additional context, FMIL''s first e-ring was around 0.2 carats, and I believe her recent upgrade ring is 1/2 carat. So I can understand where she''s coming from in thinking that it''s in poor taste for a 22 year old to have something bigger. Perhaps I''ve been warped by reading pricescope, but I really thought the 3/4 carats that we saw looked appropriately modest (but still beautiful) on my finger.

 

[eudaimonia]

Date: 6/26/2010 11:36:35 AM
Author: dreamer_d
If you want to keep the money, prior to your engagement, I would tell them that you have put their money into your wedding fund and plan to use it to help pay for flowers (or some other thing) so that they know exactly what it will be spent on, and it is not the ring.

And even with the extra information, I still see the whole thing the same way. Them saying ''Here is a *gift* of $1300 to use on an e-ring... and by the way you must get only a .50ct no larger and here are some links from the internet...'' how is that not controlling on some level? Like Circe, I do not think they are bad people, the most wonderful and loving parents and never-the-less often quite controlling of their children for benign reasons.

Yes to this last sentence. I will admit that my boyfriend''s parents can sometimes act controlling, though I don''t see them as controlling people and I don''t believe they intend to be controlling. Without a doubt, they are exceptionally devoted, loving parents to their sons. FMIL nonetheless intimidates me a little (okay, quite a lot), but that''s in part because I find it hard to speak up for myself when we have different desires or preferences. The other daughter-in-law doesn''t have a problem doing that, and while FMIL has only been nice to her, I know through the "grapevine" that it has caused some complicated feelings. I suppose that is something I just have to risk if I''m going to keep my sanity over the next several decades!

 

[qtiekiki]

Despite your BF paying for himself since 19, it seems like your future in-laws still have control over him. "For better and worse, I have a boyfriend who greatly values his mother''s opinion" and the fact that FMIL has access to his account show that your FMIL has control. From a mom standpoint, he will always be her baby and it can be hard sometimes to let go and see that boundaries were stepped over. So your BF needs to establish the boundaries. There is a difference between value FMIL''s opinion and taking her opinion. And at this point, it seems like your BF is taking the opinion.

As far as the money goes, I don''t understand why your BF accepted the money for the ring. He is clearly not as independent as you stated. I don''t think you can give it back since he ACCEPTED it, and it doesn''t matter what you have your FF says after you purchased the ring because the money was accepted for the ring to begin with. There''s no going back and saying we didn''t use it for that; in her mind, it was given for that.

As far as your relationship with FIL goes and, as you put it, "preserving their view of you as a nice, modest girl", how far would you go to appease your in-laws? Where do you draw your line?

IMHO, your BF needs to grow a backbone, and tell his parents to shut it.

 

[tyty333]

Date: 6/26/2010 1:44:07 PM
Author: eudaimonia

Date: 6/26/2010 11:36:35 AM
Author: dreamer_d
If you want to keep the money, prior to your engagement, I would tell them that you have put their money into your wedding fund and plan to use it to help pay for flowers (or some other thing) so that they know exactly what it will be spent on, and it is not the ring.

And even with the extra information, I still see the whole thing the same way. Them saying ''Here is a *gift* of $1300 to use on an e-ring... and by the way you must get only a .50ct no larger and here are some links from the internet...'' how is that not controlling on some level? Like Circe, I do not think they are bad people, the most wonderful and loving parents and never-the-less often quite controlling of their children for benign reasons.

Yes to this last sentence. I will admit that my boyfriend''s parents can sometimes act controlling, though I don''t see them as controlling people and I don''t believe they intend to be controlling. Without a doubt, they are exceptionally devoted, loving parents to their sons. FMIL nonetheless intimidates me a little (okay, quite a lot), but that''s in part because I find it hard to speak up for myself when we have different desires or preferences. The other daughter-in-law doesn''t have a problem doing that, and while FMIL has only been nice to her, I know through the ''grapevine'' that it has caused some complicated feelings. I suppose that is something I just have to risk if I''m going to keep my sanity over the next several decades!

You must learn to speak up. But...in this case you should not have to justify why you want a larger stone.

Here is a pointer I have learned dealing with In-laws...
Be very vague about things. Dont discuss details/cost. The less they know about what you are doing the less they can say.

When my MIL inquired how my newborn son was sleeping and I said "not very well." She proceeded to tell me everything I should
be doing. Well, I didnt want to let my newborn "cry it out". When I told her that she said "Then its nobodys fault but your own
that he is not sleeping through the night." Needless to say, that really annoyed me.

So next time they came over and she asked how he was sleeping, I said "typical newborn" and changed the subject. I learnd from
that conversation that if I didnt want their opinion on something then I should just give a very vague/generic answer to their question.

I think this has really helped me to have a better relationship with my in-laws.

 

[Beacon]

Sounds like it''s a joint account between your fiance and parents. So whatever he buys, they are going to know how much it was. I would not be comfortable with this, and I would expect it to come up again and again.

I would not take the money they put in their account. I would not use that account to buy a ring. I would give them that money back and tell them to hold it for the wedding which if they want to contribute to expenses, that is lovely.

I notice they did not pay for their son''s education, which sounds like a lot of schooling and expense. Why did they not pay for that and now they want to pay for YOUR ring? It sucks to self pay through college and grad school. I know cause I did too. But they let him do so and he did not go begging to them. Does he have student loans? That 1300 would go handy to pay some off.

Yeah, they are generous - when they want to be. I would study this situation with a very open mind. More here than meets the eye. Good luck.

 

[risingsun]

Another thought...Have your FF speak with his mother. Let her know that both of you appreciate her generosity. He can let her know that he will be purchasing a ring that is approximately 3/4 of a carat. It is very important to him to give his FF a ring that both of you will love. If she is uncomfortable with his choice, he would be happy to return her gift or use it for something else. He hopes she will celebrate your [you and FF] choice.

 

[eudaimonia]

I appreciate and agree with a lot that''s been said, but I wanted to clarify that I don''t think accepting a gift from someone means that you''re not truly independent. Again, we weren''t expecting any contribution from them. It was a gift that his parents wanted to give, and the gift was intended to be used for something that would ultimately belong to me, not to my boyfriend. I suspect my boyfriend was thinking of me when he accepted it (for example, he was probably thinking that I could get an even nicer ring). He knows that I am sentimental and don''t plan to upgrade. Even if he had saved much less for this ring and we were looking at getting a chip, I think I would probably wear that chip forever.

On many matters, my FF is even more frugal and practical than his parents, so the fact that he''s saved up a few thousand for this purchase (and is actually willing to spend it!) is very, very sweet. I think the matter of the parents'' $1300 gift has probably been blown a bit out of proportion.

That said, I will still suggest to my boyfriend that he figure out a way to say we didn''t need it afterall.

 

[sctsbride09]

Well, in light of all this new information, I would still say buy the ring you want, with your FFs money. If you both choose not to return the money, use it towards the wedding or your honeymoon perhaps. Since your Mil upgraded her original ering, Im thinking that she is jealous of the size stone you will be getting, but this is not your problem. Im sorry if I sound harsh, it just seems like you are seeing this through rose colored glasses. If your FF doesnt establish boundaries now, think of how much harder (and more frustrating to you) it will be when you are married. Trust me, the last thing you need is a Mil who shares her opinion on EVERYTHING. If anything she should say "thats great, so happy for you",etc.

What I have learned to do, like tyty333, is share the very minimal of information with my Mil, the less she knows, the less she talks about us. Also, when you are married, you are your own family, with your own ideas, and you need to start establishing that, and own it. She may not always like the decisions you make as a family, but you know what? It doesnt matter what she thinks, she is his mom, not his wife. Your FF needs to realize that your Fi/wife is higher on the totum pole than mommy. So really, this has more to do with your FF getting a backbone (respectfully of course), because once that happens she will back way off, trust me, I know from experience.

Im sorry if this post came out harsh, it just upsets me so much when I see a MIl being this way to her F-Dil (and the other poor Dil from what you wrote). Does your Mil forget that she was a DIL once too?

 

[E B]

Date: 6/26/2010 2:32:48 PM
Author: eudaimonia
I appreciate and agree with a lot that's been said, but I wanted to clarify that I don't think accepting a gift from someone means that you're not truly independent. Again, we weren't expecting any contribution from them. It was a gift that his parents wanted to give, and the gift was intended to be used for something that would ultimately belong to me, not to my boyfriend. I suspect my boyfriend was thinking of me when he accepted it (for example, he was probably thinking that I could get an even nicer ring). He knows that I am sentimental and don't plan to upgrade. Even if he had saved much less for this ring and we were looking at getting a chip, I think I would probably wear that chip forever.

On many matters, my FF is even more frugal and practical than his parents, so the fact that he's saved up a few thousand for this purchase (and is actually willing to spend it!) is very, very sweet. I think the matter of the parents' $1300 gift has probably been blown a bit out of proportion.

That said, I will still suggest to my boyfriend that he figure out a way to say we didn't need it afterall.

I completely understand and agree with you. I think your plan of letting her know you didn't need the money after you buy the ring is a good idea so there isn't any additional pressure from her. Also, you may want to suggest to her that if she wants you to keep it, you'll put it into savings. It might make her feel good to know that not only did her son get a 'great' deal on a ring, but he has a chunk, specifically the chunk SHE contributed, in savings to be used for emergencies, the wedding, whatever. And if it doesn't, hey, you tried. Some people aren't easy to please. I think it's a pretty good 'middle of the road' solution, though.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I agree that it is fine to accept monetary gifts from family and you are still independent. I do it all the time!

The thing is, when they gift you money the implication is that they may have some say in how it is spent -- so when I get a gift I always have a designated thing to buy with it (a couch, a crib for our son, a downpayment on our home are all examples) and in each case I made sure it was not going to an item where I did not want them to have any say in what the object was, or I knew they would not *want* to have input. I think in this specific case for you, because you MIL has expressed an opinion about your ring and has even been somewhat directive or bossy in that opinion, then it is not a purchase that you want her contributing money towards, see what I mean? Accepting money necessarily makes you a little les independent about that purchase that the money goes towards, and sometimes it is best not to give up that independence. You also have to know the gift giver and how intrusive they may be -- out of love of course

. With a more controlling gift giver (like my in laws) I would make sure the money was going to something where I knew we would have compatible desires so there was no room for argument.

I would encourage your bf to separate his finances from his parents now, rather than later. In some cultures I know it is common for kids to not become independent from their parents until they marry, but I think at 26 it is important for his finances to be private, for your sake. If he gradually starts cutting the tether to mom and dad now it will be a heck of a lot easier once you are married. Boundaries will be your best friends, especially since you MIL is a strong personality.

As for big diamonds, no one in my family owns a diamond at all, and my one family member who owns one has a .50ct probably. My diamond is 1.66ct so it is out of the ordinary. However, I did not seek their opinions when we bought it and they have not offered (but once and I got very upset at my mother and told her that I had a right to own one beautiful thing in my life

). Somehow you MIL thinks it is her business what you do and buy when it is not, and as I said before, when you have a fmaily member like that it is double important to lay the ground work of boundaries early and consistently or married life will be a real pain

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 6/26/2010 3:42:25 PM
Author: E B

Date: 6/26/2010 2:32:48 PM
Author: eudaimonia

I appreciate and agree with a lot that''s been said, but I wanted to clarify that I don''t think accepting a gift from someone means that you''re not truly independent. Again, we weren''t expecting any contribution from them. It was a gift that his parents wanted to give, and the gift was intended to be used for something that would ultimately belong to me, not to my boyfriend. I suspect my boyfriend was thinking of me when he accepted it (for example, he was probably thinking that I could get an even nicer ring). He knows that I am sentimental and don''t plan to upgrade. Even if he had saved much less for this ring and we were looking at getting a chip, I think I would probably wear that chip forever.

On many matters, my FF is even more frugal and practical than his parents, so the fact that he''s saved up a few thousand for this purchase (and is actually willing to spend it!) is very, very sweet. I think the matter of the parents'' $1300 gift has probably been blown a bit out of proportion.

That said, I will still suggest to my boyfriend that he figure out a way to say we didn''t need it afterall.

I completely understand and agree with you. I think your plan of letting her know you didn''t need the money after you buy the ring is a good idea so there isn''t any additional pressure from her. Also, you may want to suggest to her that if she wants you to keep it, you''ll put it into savings. It might make her feel good to know that not only did her son get a ''great'' deal on a ring, but he has a chunk, specifically the chunk SHE contributed, in savings to be used for emergencies, the wedding, whatever. And if it doesn''t, hey, you tried. Some people aren''t easy to please. I think it''s a pretty good ''middle of the road'' solution, though.

I agree, this is a wonderful solution.

I think the reason we are commentingon the $1300 so much is that many of us have been married a little while and have navigated many tricky MIL situations and your situation seems like a really important one symbolically for setting boundaries. It is not the money, per se, but the broader situation. Hey, we have all been there

 

[lyra]

Or....get the size stone you want, using PS help so you pay less, and THEN tell the inlaws how *wonderful* it was that they had a part in buying your forever ring, making sure to state that you were just going to get a .50 ct stone but with the extra money you were able to go much bigger!

 

[somethingshiny]

Another note on separating finances now.

Your MIL will handle this little separation more easily if it''s done before you''re married. That way, she''s out of that portion of his life before you really have any say in it. It will also be a good way for your FF to batter up against mom.

And, I don''t think that accepting a monetary gift makes you less independent. If that were the case, any wedding funds, honeymoon trips, etc would constitute dependence. But, if MIL wants to exert her control BECAUSE she gifted, that''s another story. It''s not the financial matter, but the control.

It sounds like you really like FMIL and FFIL and that''s a wonderful thing. I think we just all want you to set up your boundaries early so as to avoid the certain unpleasantness that eventually rears during the first year of marriage.

DH and I have been married for almost 11 yrs. MIL has always been very good to me although we have had our issues. We are friends today because we know where the other one stands. It really makes life easier to be friends with MIL so it''s worth the effort and sometimes uncomfortable situations to set up for a lifetime of friendship.

 

[Hest88]

Date: 6/26/2010 1:20:58 PM
Author: eudaimonia
For FF to say something to FMIL the effect of, ''We were able to get a great deal on the perfect ring without using your gift; would you like me to return it to you or perhaps put it towards a Starting Life Together fund?'' probably wouldn''t offend. But I would ask FF to say that *after* we make the purchase; that way, it''s already a done deal and FMIL can''t try to persuade him to get something different -- even if she doesn''t like or understand the final product.

I think this is a good, diplomatic solution.

I also agree your FMIL isn''t necessarily controlling. However, I caution you still. Just because she doesn''t mean to be controlling doesn''t mean there won''t be problems down the line. My mom has a heart of gold. She''s generous and loving. However, she''s also opinionated and bossy, and gets very upset if we don''t follow her advice. Her motivation isn''t control--she truly believes that our lives would be better if we followed her advice, and because she loves us her frustration in part comes from feeling we''re making the wrong choices. However, that doesn''t make the dynamic *feel* less controlling and stresses easier to handle. It''s important that, at this early stage, that you and your boyfriend exert yourselves as an independent unit from his parents. Be diplomatic about it, of course, but you don''t want to set a precedence that you can''t unwind later.

 

[Sabine]

I only read through the first page, so I apologize is this has already been said, but I definitely would not accept the money from his parents for the ring. It seems like a really odd thing for them to give you money towards, especially since he does have a good budget already.

I would buy the ring you want with whatever he and you can afford, decline to answer direct questions about the carat size (I''m not sure, I think it''s around 1/2), and if they seem upset about you not using the money, you can say that instead of putting it towards the ring, you put it away to start saving for your wedding, or put it towards a house fund, etc. That does double duty in that you''re not refusing their gift, and you''re showing you can plan ahead for the future instead of being materialistic.

 

[MishB]

You BF doesn''t want to rock the boat by returning the money, you want .90 carat diamond, MIL wants you to have .50.

Buy the .90, and when she questions how big it is, look her firmly in the eye, smile and say ''it IS .50 carat.''

Everyone is happy.

 

[LGK]

Date: 6/25/2010 10:16:41 PM
Author: dreamer_d
You need to give the money back. Your fiance can say, ''Thank you for this kind offer but it is important to me that I pay for this on my own since it is a symbol of my committment'' and hand over a check.

This is not about the money. This is an important turning point in your relationship with his parents. If they contribute financially then they have a *right* to tell you how to do things. This is an opportunity to set the tone for your relationship with his parents from here on out -- they can offer suggestions, but they have no say in what you and he ultimately do. Then later if they make passive aggressive or snide comments, you can tell them that you paid for it yourselves and you love it, so pleas keep their comments to themselves.

Trust me. This is so not about the ring. This is about control.

What dreamer said, word for word. You do NOT want to let this sort of dynamic take a foothold in your marriage! I''ve seen it up close and personal in a pretty extreme example, and it is just... never ending, the list of strings that are attached.

My in laws don''t approve of a lot of things about my husband and me. My ring, his car, etc. Eventually they''ll realize you and he are going to make your own choices. And there may be snarky comments, but whatever. You can''t please everyone.

 

[kelpie]

If I were in the situation I''d get the ring I wanted with my own money. Honestly that is the silliest thing for an MIL to be hung up on especially in terms of how diamonds vary in value according to specs. You could get a 1/2 CT Ideal D IF or a crudely cut 2CT M I3 and have spent the same. First snarky remark she says about your ring say, "Actually we came in under budget, so if you don''t mind we''d like to put your generous gift towards our wedding fund." Then you''ve out-frugaled her.