His mother thinks over 1/2 carat is too big! WWYD?

[Imdanny]

Date: 6/26/2010 3:16:48 AM
Author: eudaimonia
I''ll ask what my boyfriend thinks about trying to gently return the monetary gift from his mother; but after some reflection, I see that this could possibly back-fire. My boyfriend has already graciously accepted the gift and I''ll have to trust his opinion on this, as his mother is sensitive and easily hurt. There''s a risk that giving it back for any reason might offend her (she might think that I was sending her a message to ''back off'', which wouldn''t be entirely untrue, but it''s still not the message I want to send).


I agree that the best thing is to set boundaries now, though returning the gift that was given in love may not be required to set boundaries, nor is it necessarily a good idea -- especially if it could offend the gift-giver. I am positive that the gift was never intended as a means of control. His parents are not tyrants; they just have strong opinions on certain topics and I''m relucant to go against the norms and values of my boyfriend''s family. I really wasn''t thinking of their gift/contribution as a major factor in this matter until it was brought up by another poster.


I''m proud of my boyfriend for getting through all these years of school without financial help from his parents (and without any debt); so if his parents see our impending engagement and wedding as an opportunity to extend their generosity, well, that doesn''t mean that we''re spoiled or that they''re controlling. Nor would it make the e-ring any less meaningful if he does use their gift for part of it. I know many, many people have had family members help out with engagement ring costs; that doesn''t (necessarily) demean the ring''s symbolic significance. His parents are proud of their son and they intended to show their love to both of us. The comments about ''nothing in life is free'', etc., were a bit unnecessary. We have not been spoiled materially in our adult lives, though the love in our families is abundant. Hence their gift. Hence my desire to respect his parents'' views, even if I disagree and find a 3/4 carat awfully pretty while still being modest.


Thanks again for your advice and suggestions. I will have to think more about this, and I''ll update you if I end up getting some major three-quarter carat bling.


Crossing my fingers that my future MIL doesn''t come to pricescope for ideas and stumble upon this thread...!

Wow, then just do what they say and get a .5. I''m not sure what it was you wanted us to tell you.

 

[lovegem]

Date: 6/26/2010 2:32:48 PM
Author: eudaimonia
I appreciate and agree with a lot that's been said, but I wanted to clarify that I don't think accepting a gift from someone means that you're not truly independent. Again, we weren't expecting any contribution from them. It was a gift that his parents wanted to give, and the gift was intended to be used for something that would ultimately belong to me, not to my boyfriend. I suspect my boyfriend was thinking of me when he accepted it (for example, he was probably thinking that I could get an even nicer ring). He knows that I am sentimental and don't plan to upgrade. Even if he had saved much less for this ring and we were looking at getting a chip, I think I would probably wear that chip forever.


On many matters, my FF is even more frugal and practical than his parents, so the fact that he's saved up a few thousand for this purchase (and is actually willing to spend it!) is very, very sweet. I think the matter of the parents' $1300 gift has probably been blown a bit out of proportion.

That said, I will still suggest to my boyfriend that he figure out a way to say we didn't need it afterall.

I think you have already come up with a good solution for the situation. I think you are very mature in handling the situation by trying to preserve the delicate in-law relationship. It will go a long way to help you eliminate unnecessary headaches and heartaches.

 

[choro72]

I understand about getting money from parents and setting it aside to somehow return later. I will not touch this point. About the ring, I don''t know where you live, but even if you live in a conservative culture, this will only work if you are alright with having your FMIL involved in something as private as choosing an engagement ring. You obviously are not.

Most importantly, your FF needs to have the backbone to tell his mother so. If FF gives in to his mother''s recommendation or is skirmish about going against his mother, I believe you need to break off the engagement. Her intentions may be good, but I guarantee you that if you let this slide she will be continuously giving you "advices" at an escalating rate. One day you will disagree with her on something like how to choose a house, then you will be the horrible daughter in law, and your DH will have to stand up for you, and if he doesn''t have the spine to set boundaries now, how is he going to do that later?

Call me dramatic or one of those people that preach the world is coming to and end, but I see it all the time at where I come from. I wish you the best.

 

[loriken214]

Date: 6/25/2010 10:46:40 PM
Author: eudaimonia

I wanted to clarify a miscommunication. It''s hard to get every pertinent detail out there when writing up a quick post.

Neither of us are financially dependent on our parents in any way. The $1300 his mother recently deposited is not necessary for my ring, whether it''s a chip or a 1/2 carat or a .9 carat. As students, we don''t have an excess of funds, but we do have some savings, including savings that my boyfriend set aside specifically for this purchase. (And yes, that''s money he made on his own.) When I said that I was worried his parents would think ''Oh, they are just students, why does she need a 3/4 carat diamond'', I was only trying to explain how they''d see things from their point of view. If it counts for anything, my future husband will be in a fairly lucrative career once he leaves grad school (which is soon), and the sentimentalist in me is really adverse to the thought of upgrading later. The stone we get for our engagement is the stone I plan to wear for life, whether it''s a chip or 1/2 carat or .9 carat.

My boyfriend and I have been talking about rings for several months now, and his mother just offered the gift only 2 weeks ago. Let''s assume she never had. If we were to get, say, a .7 carat, my boyfriend can afford that entirely with his own ring fund. If I really wanted something more like a .9 carat, I''m able and willing to dip into my savings for that. The plan all along never involved any contribution from his parents. It just sort of happened, without our asking for it.

I truly believe they were just trying to be loving and generous, and that they weren''t trying to be controlling by offering the gift. Their opinions on carat size (and on expensive purchases in general) are independent of whether they contribute anything, and that was my primary concern when I posted my question. I was asking whether I should be sensitive and deferring to the values of my future husbands'' family, and whether it might be selfish to do something that is clearly NOT accepted by his family for the sake of my own (purely aesthetic) preferences.

I''m sorry for any misunderstanding...

Who is going to be wearing this ring for the rest of her life...YOU or FMIL???? Get the ring that you want and be happy with it....leave MIL''s opinion out of it!!!!

Why is your FMIL saying bad things about the size of your engagement diamond? Who is she saying them to? WHO CARES????

If you are so worried about offending your FMIL, why don''t you have HER pick out the ring for you and then everyone will be happy, right????

I''m being very blunt here, but I had to put up with a VERY meddling MIL for many years and it almost tore DH and I apart before we were even married. She had an opinion about EVERYTHING and I finally put my foot down with DH about his mother....she had to back off or I refused to have anything to do with her.

I respected my MIL for being my DH"s mother, but refused to let her get to me with her constant meddling and opinions. I stood my ground and we got along fine for the most part.

Lori

 

[loriken214]

Date: 6/27/2010 1:59:19 AM
Author: choro72
I understand about getting money from parents and setting it aside to somehow return later. I will not touch this point. About the ring, I don''t know where you live, but even if you live in a conservative culture, this will only work if you are alright with having your FMIL involved in something as private as choosing an engagement ring. You obviously are not.

Most importantly, your FF needs to have the backbone to tell his mother so. If FF gives in to his mother''s recommendation or is skirmish about going against his mother, I believe you need to break off the engagement. Her intentions may be good, but I guarantee you that if you let this slide she will be continuously giving you ''advices'' at an escalating rate. One day you will disagree with her on something like how to choose a house, then you will be the horrible daughter in law, and your DH will have to stand up for you, and if he doesn''t have the spine to set boundaries now, how is he going to do that later?

Call me dramatic or one of those people that preach the world is coming to and end, but I see it all the time at where I come from. I wish you the best.

Well said Choro!!!

I went through this with DH and my MIL when we bought our first car together after we were married. MIL freaked out that we didn''t need HER to go with us to purchase the car. DH relied on his mother for EVERYTHING and I''m very independent. We didn''t need anyone to help us buy a car. If she gave us money, then there would be strings attached. DH wanted his parents to help us with money when we didn''t need their money.....I was pissed!

Time to cut the cord before it gets worse.....DH and I went through a lot of crap about his mother. I know she meant well, but it was the WAY she went about it and the things she said that were offensive.

Lori

 

[Circe]

Date: 6/27/2010 1:23:46 AM
Author: Imdanny

Date: 6/26/2010 3:16:48 AM

Author: eudaimonia

.... they just have strong opinions on certain topics and I''m relucant to go against the norms and values of my boyfriend''s family. ....

Wow, then just do what they say and get a .5. I''m not sure what it was you wanted us to tell you.

Short, sweet, and to the point from Danny - Eudaimonia, I''m a little puzzled as to what sort of advice you''re looking for here? Scanning back over 4 pages, I sort of feel like most of your posts have focused on defending your future in-laws motivations. If you don''t have a problem with their cash or their boundaries, I feel like *I''m* meddling if I say anything more! Now, if you want tips on finding the best .5 possible ... to Rockytalk?

 

[risingsun]

I gave you an assertive approach for your FF to use with his mother several pages back. It was scripted with the goal of causing the least amount of hurt feelings and had the possibility of producing some positive results. You never responded to my post. I provided your FF with a way to be firm, yet kind, and set boundaries with his mother. I do this for a living. If your FF cannot have such a talk with his mother, than the two of you are headed down a rocky road. That will be $80.00, please. [just kidding about my fee!!].

 

[junebug17]

Date: 6/27/2010 11:16:40 AM
Author: risingsun
I gave you an assertive approach for your FF to use with his mother several pages back. It was scripted with the goal of causing the least amount of hurt feelings and had the possibility of producing some positive results. You never responded to my post. I provided your FF with a way to be firm, yet kind, and set boundaries with his mother. I do this for a living. If your FF cannot have such a talk with his mother, than the two of you are headed down a rocky road. That will be $80.00, please. [just kidding about my fee!!].

Marian, if it's any consolation, the OP seems to be ignoring the majority of advice and ideas that have been presented to her.

Eudaimona, you've become increasingly defensive in your posts about accepting money from your FIL's because of a few early comments. You're hung up on proving that you and FF are independent, even though you've accepted money from FIL's. You're missing the point...there's nothing wrong with a monetary gift, parents often help out with wedding expenses. However, said money DOES sometimes come with strings attached. It happens sometimes. Fine, if you feel funny not using the money, use it towards your ring with the .7 or .9 stone. But there is the distinct possibility that future MIL is going to be pissed that she contributed money towards the ring, and you and FF got a ring she doesn't approve of. Think about it...she's said nasty things about the dil's ering, and she wasn't even involved in that at all. How is she going to react if she doesn't approve of your ring AND she helped pay for it?

I just think that this is a perfect opportunity to show future MIL that you and FF are going to live your own lives and make your own decisions. What are you going to do if she doesn't approve of your wedding venue? Your wedding dress? Your first house? Your child's name? How your raise your kids? Where your kids go to college?

You can always get the .5 stone. But when you are 60 (and yes, hard as it is to believe, you will be one day!), how will you feel when you look down on your ring? Will you say to yourself "I'm so glad I picked this stone just to make my mil happy" or will you say "I can't believe I've worn this stone all my life just to make my mil happy".

Ok, I'm done. I'm sorry if I've come across as harsh, I don't mean to be. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do!

 

[Indylady]

Date: 6/27/2010 10:00:29 AM
Author: Circe

Date: 6/27/2010 1:23:46 AM

Author: Imdanny

Date: 6/26/2010 3:16:48 AM


Author: eudaimonia

.... they just have strong opinions on certain topics and I''m relucant to go against the norms and values of my boyfriend''s family. ....

Wow, then just do what they say and get a .5. I''m not sure what it was you wanted us to tell you.

Short, sweet, and to the point from Danny - Eudaimonia, I''m a little puzzled as to what sort of advice you''re looking for here? Scanning back over 4 pages, I sort of feel like most of your posts have focused on defending your future in-laws motivations. If you don''t have a problem with their cash or their boundaries, I feel like *I''m* meddling if I say anything more! Now, if you want tips on finding the best .5 possible ... to Rockytalk?

+5. You don''t want to go against the in-laws. Get the 1/2 carat, and live happily ever after.

 

[HVVS]

The average e-ring in my area, per 2 retail jewelers that I know, is .5ct to .75ct, down from 1 ct a couple of years ago. It used to be that people became engaged with a .25ct or a .33ct, right out of high school or college. Given the state of the job market, that may still be prudent. But the average age for first marriages tends to be late 20s, when people have already established careers and in some cases have already purchased houses.
http://www.whiteflash.com/loose-diamonds/round-cut-loose-diamond-2347509.htm is I VS2 .822ct at $2959 bank wire. In a simple solitaire setting, it's a 6mm Whiteflash ACA RB that doesn't break the bank. Set it in a full bezel or half bezel and it will probably look 1ct. And it can be upgraded.

If the in-laws disapprove of "their" money being spent on a larger diamond, don't spend it on that. Give it back or put it toward the wedding or the honeymoon or furniture or home purchase or something that they do approve of. When you give a gift, it becomes the recipient's property, to do with as he or she pleases. Leave the decision to your FI.

FWIW, the same jewelers say that the next most in-demand size, after .75ct, is around 1.5ct, for the upgrades.

If I had to pick a number for the average e-ring on PS this year, I'd say that probably a lot of .75 to .8ct or so were sold. I was watching that size for a while, say .7ct to .75ct. They didn't hang around long before they were sold.

 

[swingirl]

IMO an engagement ring is more than a piece of nice jewelry. It is symbolic. I think you know what this means. It's the one gift a man gives his wife that speaks loud and clear about his intentions. It shouldn't come with strings attached by the in-laws. And honestly, a 26 year with a joint account with his parents?

 

[Dancing Fire]

buy the bigger rock and use the MIL''s $1300 for your honeymoon.

 

[Lula]

Date: 6/27/2010 1:46:15 PM
Author: junebug17

Date: 6/27/2010 11:16:40 AM

Author: risingsun

I gave you an assertive approach for your FF to use with his mother several pages back. It was scripted with the goal of causing the least amount of hurt feelings and had the possibility of producing some positive results. You never responded to my post. I provided your FF with a way to be firm, yet kind, and set boundaries with his mother. I do this for a living. If your FF cannot have such a talk with his mother, than the two of you are headed down a rocky road. That will be $80.00, please. [just kidding about my fee!!].

Marian, if it''s any consolation, the OP seems to be ignoring the majority of advice and ideas that have been presented to her.


Eudaimona, you''ve become increasingly defensive in your posts about accepting money from your FIL''s because of a few early comments. You''re hung up on proving that you and FF are independent, even though you''ve accepted money from FIL''s. You''re missing the point...there''s nothing wrong with a monetary gift, parents often help out with wedding expenses. However, said money DOES sometimes come with strings attached. It happens sometimes. Fine, if you feel funny not using the money, use it towards your ring with the .7 or .9 stone. But there is the distinct possibility that future MIL is going to be pissed that she contributed money towards the ring, and you and FF got a ring she doesn''t approve of. Think about it...she''s said nasty things about the dil''s ering, and she wasn''t even involved in that at all. How is she going to react if she doesn''t approve of your ring AND she helped pay for it?


I just think that this is a perfect opportunity to show future MIL that you and FF are going to live your own lives and make your own decisions. What are you going to do if she doesn''t approve of your wedding venue? Your wedding dress? Your first house? Your child''s name? How your raise your kids? Where your kids go to college?


You can always get the .5 stone. But when you are 60 (and yes, hard as it is to believe, you will be one day!), how will you feel when you look down on your ring? Will you say to yourself ''I''m so glad I picked this stone just to make my mil happy'' or will you say ''I can''t believe I''ve worn this stone all my life just to make my mil happy''.


Ok, I''m done. I''m sorry if I''ve come across as harsh, I don''t mean to be. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do!

Yes, Junebug, my feelings exactly.

 

[4ever]

Date: 6/26/2010 5:56:12 AM
Author: swingirl
0.822ct I VS1

Here is a lovely stone for $3000. You could stay within your $4000 budget and return the $1300.

I''d get somthing like this and then tell your FMIL what a great deal you got and you didn''t end up spending nearly as much as expected or using her very generous gift. I would then offer to return the money since you did not use it on what she intended you to and if she refuses maybe suggest she spend the money on a great engagment party or somthing else.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Date: 6/27/2010 3:34:13 PM
Author: sarap333

Date: 6/27/2010 1:46:15 PM
Author: junebug17

Date: 6/27/2010 11:16:40 AM

Author: risingsun

I gave you an assertive approach for your FF to use with his mother several pages back. It was scripted with the goal of causing the least amount of hurt feelings and had the possibility of producing some positive results. You never responded to my post. I provided your FF with a way to be firm, yet kind, and set boundaries with his mother. I do this for a living. If your FF cannot have such a talk with his mother, than the two of you are headed down a rocky road. That will be $80.00, please. [just kidding about my fee!!].

Marian, if it''s any consolation, the OP seems to be ignoring the majority of advice and ideas that have been presented to her.


Eudaimona, you''ve become increasingly defensive in your posts about accepting money from your FIL''s because of a few early comments. You''re hung up on proving that you and FF are independent, even though you''ve accepted money from FIL''s. You''re missing the point...there''s nothing wrong with a monetary gift, parents often help out with wedding expenses. However, said money DOES sometimes come with strings attached. It happens sometimes. Fine, if you feel funny not using the money, use it towards your ring with the .7 or .9 stone. But there is the distinct possibility that future MIL is going to be pissed that she contributed money towards the ring, and you and FF got a ring she doesn''t approve of. Think about it...she''s said nasty things about the dil''s ering, and she wasn''t even involved in that at all. How is she going to react if she doesn''t approve of your ring AND she helped pay for it?


I just think that this is a perfect opportunity to show future MIL that you and FF are going to live your own lives and make your own decisions. What are you going to do if she doesn''t approve of your wedding venue? Your wedding dress? Your first house? Your child''s name? How your raise your kids? Where your kids go to college?


You can always get the .5 stone. But when you are 60 (and yes, hard as it is to believe, you will be one day!), how will you feel when you look down on your ring? Will you say to yourself ''I''m so glad I picked this stone just to make my mil happy'' or will you say ''I can''t believe I''ve worn this stone all my life just to make my mil happy''.


Ok, I''m done. I''m sorry if I''ve come across as harsh, I don''t mean to be. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do!

Yes, Junebug, my feelings exactly.

+1

 

[HollyS]

Date: 6/25/2010 8:29:04 PM
Author: eudaimonia
I forgot to add that his parents are chipping in $1300 to the cost of the ring, which is very generous of them, and the rest is coming from my boyfriend''s ring fund. So that might make a difference in how we handle the situation. They''re not the type of people to get outwardly upset if we got a larger diamond, but disapproval would likely be expressed in some form to my future fiance. They''ll think something like: ''They are struggling students, we had to chip in a substantial amount to that ring, so why did she have to get something so large and expensive?''

To be fair, my boyfriend''s parents don''t mean to be intrusive. They have very conservative, frugal values and it''s inevitable that they''re going to disapprove of large, ''unnecessary'' purchases. They''re also from a different part of the country (they''re in the Midwest and we''re on the West Coast), and most of the younger women where his parents live have diamonds that are about 1/2 carat, maybe even a bit smaller.

I don''t wish to be hurtful, but here are my thoughts:

1) No man should let their parents chip in for an e-ring. EVER. If he cannot afford a ring, then the two of you should wait or do without. Many long and happy marriages have been forged without a diamond ring.

2) No man who is his own man would allow his parents a voice in this process. Not in the design. Not in the size. Not in the cost. Not at all.

3) What''s the rush? Get out of school. Get some money put aside. Then get a ring.

I know that may not be what you want to hear; and I know I''m being very straightforward and blunt. But you did ask.