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His mother thinks over 1/2 carat is too big! WWYD?

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eudaimonia

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Messages
10
Hi, all! I''ve been browsing these boards for a couple months but this is my first post. I need your advice!

My boyfriend and I have just started looking at rings. His mother recently asked him what sort of diamond and setting I like, and he told her that I liked classic solitaire settings with a 0.7 - 0.9 carat diamond. (I thought that carat weight looked just perfect on my size 5 fingers.) A couple hours later, future mother-in-law sent my boyfriend a slightly disapproving email saying that she thought that carat size was a "bit much" and that he should look for diamonds 1/2 carat or under. (And she sent links.) For better and worse, I have a boyfriend who greatly values his mother''s opinion!

It might be worth adding that his parents have made disapproving remarks in the past about their other daughter-in-law''s e-ring being too gaudy. Hers is a 1/2 carat diamond with a thin pave band.

Both my boyfriend and I are students and not exactly wealthy, though he''s saved enough over the last two years to get the ring I like. But I''m worried that by getting such a ring, I will incur the wrath of my boyfriend''s parents. The last thing I want is to feel guilty or embarrassed about my ring!
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Please share your thoughts! Do you think I should just get the ring I like best, but risk tainting the relationship I have with my future in-laws, or should I get something smaller and preserve their opinion of me as a nice, modest girl? If you think we should get the slightly larger (but still under 1 carat) diamond, how should we approach the issue if his parents bring it up again?

Thanks in advance for your advice.
 
Welcome to PS!

First off, WHY is mom even involved in the process?
Secondly, WHO is paying for the ring?
Thirdly, if this is going to cause you misery, perhaps the relationship isn''t ready for marriage quite yet.

I don''t like to sound harsh and I understand that you''re trying to not make waves, but this is YOUR ring from YOUR intended, is it not? It should be something that the two of you agree upon and has absolutely NOTHING to do with anyone else''s thoughts or opinions. I have a feeling you already want to tell FMIL to get over it but are seeking justification??
 
Unless they''re paying for it I really can''t see how it''s any of their business.

I would get whatever ring I pleased and I wouldn''t think twice about it. As far as what approach to take, dumb and polite would be best I think. Respond to any disapproving remarks with a sweet smile brush them off.

Honestly. Choosing a ring to please the in-laws? What next; they don''t like your house/car/the way you raise your future children?!? Nip this one in the bud. The ring is you and your boyfriend''s business, nobody elses.
 
Date: 6/25/2010 8:12:41 PM
Author: Porridge


Honestly. Choosing a ring to please the in-laws? What next; they don''t like your house/car/the way you raise your future children?!? Nip this one in the bud. The ring is you and your boyfriend''s business, nobody elses.
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Yep, if you start compromising to please them, you''re looking to have a LONG series of additional controlling issues making your relationship difficult.

Oh, and go for a 1.5 ct
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Is it more important to you to please your future in-laws, or to be happy yourself? I would never take into account what my in-laws taste are in jewelry. If my Mil had said something like that to my Dh when we were in the engagement process, I probably would have asked him to refrain discussing the ring with her if she cant be supportive. The ring size you are looking at is not gaudy at all, and what matters is that you and your FF are happy. This is NOT about your Mil, she had her turn already. Usually I would say to pick your battles with the in laws, but your FMil sounds like kind of a control freak to be honest, and this is none of her business.

If you do get the ring you want ( I would!), and they say anything, you do NOT have to explain yourself, sheesh you are old enough to be married, so obviously you can pick your own ring.
 
Get the ring YOU like. It''s as simple as that. This is between you and your So and it''s none of her business what carat weight your ring is. Don''t even tell her. If she asks say "it''s the perfect size for me" and leave it at that. She may one day be your in-law but that doesn''t mean she must approve all of your decisions as a couple. She NEVER will and you both will be miserable. If your SO is not prepared to go against his mother in a matter that doesn''t involve her at all, and is this insignificant I would not marry him yet. It''s hard to go against your parents for the first time but it''s an important step in the path to adulthood and becoming a family unit with you. When you are married he is going to have to put you and your needs and wants ahead of his parents and until you are sure that he can do that, I wouldn''t take the next step.

ETA: How old are you and your SO, you said you were students? If he is young than this is just a step in becoming an adult, however if he is older this could be a serious red flag.
 
as long as he''s paying for the ring, she has no business in how big or what you get. Maybe she doesn''t want any of her DILs to have bigger than she does? God only knows BUT you cannot start out your marriage pleasing others..you have to both do things for yourselves. If you start letting his mother dictate your decisions from the start, it will be a LONG and BUMPY road.

Get what you want..it''s YOUR ring. She had her turn..do things for yourself
 
Get what you can afford.. As for your future MIL?? She could be jealous, IDK. But best to do what''s right for you, and keep her out of the equation... Don''t buy something to please her... That''s nonsense.

You buy what is comfortable for the two of you...
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You start off trying to please her, you''ll be in a life long struggle. You''ll come up short.

So what I am saying, is do your own thing, and own it!!!!
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I forgot to add that his parents are chipping in $1300 to the cost of the ring, which is very generous of them, and the rest is coming from my boyfriend''s ring fund. So that might make a difference in how we handle the situation. They''re not the type of people to get outwardly upset if we got a larger diamond, but disapproval would likely be expressed in some form to my future fiance. They''ll think something like: "They are struggling students, we had to chip in a substantial amount to that ring, so why did she have to get something so large and expensive?"

To be fair, my boyfriend''s parents don''t mean to be intrusive. They have very conservative, frugal values and it''s inevitable that they''re going to disapprove of large, "unnecessary" purchases. They''re also from a different part of the country (they''re in the Midwest and we''re on the West Coast), and most of the younger women where his parents live have diamonds that are about 1/2 carat, maybe even a bit smaller.
 
It sounds like since they are "pitching in", they feel like they should have approval of the purchase. I would graciously decline their offer, wait a few months to save some more on your own and then get the ring you want with no strings attached.

BTW- I live in a very conservative Midwestern area. I agree that for the most part .5 ct and under are more widely accepted, but that should have no influence on YOUR ring. Heck, if you wanted and could afford a 5 ct ring, I don''t see why they should have a problem with it.
 
Well, if that is the case, I would tell FF to tell them "thanks, but no thanks", and keep saving until we could afford what I want or get a smaller stone (without their money). I would not want anyone weighing in on the ering decision except FF and I.
 
Well, she''s entitled to think whatever she wants to think for whatever reasons, though it''s rather in poor taste to tell you so - that''s what you and your BF do need to nip in the bud!

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Why are they pitching money in? IMO, wait till you can afford the ring you want OR use *just* the ring fund your boyfriend has and buy a diamond from a vendor with an excellent trade up policy and trade up when you can afford to.

ETA - it's a bit confusing why you didn't tell in the original post that the inlaws would be chipping in. That's crucial to the story.
 
It would probably be in you best interest to pursue a diamond you can afford without his parents contribution, or wait until the two of you can afford the diamond you want. The ring and engagement are about the two of you, not his parents and their values.

I always think its strange when people on here say that people in the midwest have smaller stones. I live in the heart of IL and the majority of my friends have a 1 ct or larger. The older people do tend to have smaller stones, but even some of them have upgraded.
 
You should have said they were chipping in on the ring.. That changes everything...

But for me, I would say nope would rather wait to buy what we can on our own.... Not strings attached...
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This is what I would do... I would sit down with my boyfriend/fiance and ask him how he feels about this and whether it is more important to him to get a ring his mother won''t complain about or a ring that is my personal dream. He SHOULD answer that he wants to fulfill your dreams. If he doesn''t - FLAG! So once he says he wants to fulfill your dreams (we will assume this) then I would say okay, but we need to nip this in the bud. Have him talk to her and tell her NOT TO EVER bring it up or say anything bad to you. He may value her opinion (this is a good thing, I hope my sons always do) he doesn''t have to do what she says anymore, he''s a big boy, and in making his own choices he shouldn''t have to be subjected to a lifetime of derision. Nor should you. And I believe that if this stuff isn''t made VERY CLEAR (and not just about diamonds) it is going to make it hard the rest of your lives. I don''t know how old you are but I think she still sees him as a child and the only way for her to see him fully as an adult is if he demands it.
 
A couple points:

1. Why are his parents "chipping in"? It a symbol of his promise to you (and yours to him) to marry. Not his parents''!

I recommend you two buy the ring you can afford together.

You can help buy it too, or you can get engaged now without one and get a ring later, or get a smaller ring...but I really think you should go without the donation fund from his parents - especially with these strings attached. If you are ready to get married, well, no time like the present to show you are mature and responsible to also take care of yourselves.

2. Get what you both want and can afford. His mom is not the one wearing it. Whatever her opinion, it is NOT her ring. And if she is not buying it either (see #1), there iseven less reason she should have any say in it.

3. It is one thing to respect each others and own parents. It is another to defer to them on the choices you make in your lives and lives together if you are truly adults who intend to be married.

This needs to be nipped in the bud now, with a "thanks mom for your opinion, and we are going to do what works for us". That really ought to have been done from the start.

If you two cannot stand together about the ring...what do you think will happen with the wedding, where you choose to live, how many kids you have and how you raise them and so on?

And if you guys cannot be a team on THIS issue, I would be very cautious about going forward...
 
Date: 6/25/2010 8:29:04 PM
Author: eudaimonia
I forgot to add that his parents are chipping in $1300 to the cost of the ring, which is very generous of them, and the rest is coming from my boyfriend''s ring fund. So that might make a difference in how we handle the situation. They''re not the type of people to get outwardly upset if we got a larger diamond, but disapproval would likely be expressed in some form to my future fiance. They''ll think something like: ''They are struggling students, we had to chip in a substantial amount to that ring, so why did she have to get something so large and expensive?''


To be fair, my boyfriend''s parents don''t mean to be intrusive. They have very conservative, frugal values and it''s inevitable that they''re going to disapprove of large, ''unnecessary'' purchases. They''re also from a different part of the country (they''re in the Midwest and we''re on the West Coast), and most of the younger women where his parents live have diamonds that are about 1/2 carat, maybe even a bit smaller.
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Okay after reading this NO FREAKING WAY would I get a .9 diamond. i wouldn''t even get a 1/2 carat diamond. I would say thanks but no thanks on their offer and get ONLY what your boyfriend can afford. As long as you need to take their money to fund your wishes you are not going to be seen as adult in their eyes and you are starting a hopefully long relationship on the WRONG FOOT. Diamonds are awesome, but not at that cost. I had no diamond at all until my 15th anniversary but I never ever considered borrowing money for one when we married. I considered getting a tiny chip of a diamond and looking back I wish I had, but don''t take their money. Not for this. By doing so you put them smack right in the middle of the decision. DON''T!
 
Hello, First off I would not take money from them for the ring, I would tell them if they want to give you both a engagement gift of the money they would be welcome to and then you two put it where you want, I would not want them to have so much involvement in such a personal thing, it is nice that your SO respects and values his parents opinions but it should just be that, some good advice and a thank you, we will take that into consideration. Look at the pros and cons and do what is best for you two. You do not want to look at your ring every day the rest of your life and feel resentment because of this.
 
Date: 6/25/2010 8:33:49 PM
Author: sctsbride09
Well, if that is the case, I would tell FF to tell them ''thanks, but no thanks'', and keep saving until we could afford what I want or get a smaller stone (without their money). I would not want anyone weighing in on the ering decision except FF and I.
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haha - I just dittoed this with far, far less brevity lol
 
Ditto Kaleigh,

But what I''m really curious about is why you didn''t mention the contribution from the parents in your first post...
 
Turn down the money and buy whatever you want.

I hate how people in families control each other especially when they use money to do it.
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Are you sure you want to marry into this family?
I smell trouble.
 
Don''t take the money---money buys control. And not just about the ring.
 
Date: 6/25/2010 8:33:37 PM
Author: somethingshiny
It sounds like since they are 'pitching in', they feel like they should have approval of the purchase. I would graciously decline their offer, wait a few months to save some more on your own and then get the ring you want with no strings attached.
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I agree. And when you do purchase a .70-.90 ct. diamond and she asks you the size, say, "I don't remember the exact carat weight, but we got a great deal on it." And leave it at that.
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Date: 6/25/2010 8:29:04 PM
Author: eudaimonia
I forgot to add that his parents are chipping in $1300 to the cost of the ring, which is very generous of them, and the rest is coming from my boyfriend's ring fund. So that might make a difference in how we handle the situation. They're not the type of people to get outwardly upset if we got a larger diamond, but disapproval would likely be expressed in some form to my future fiance. They'll think something like: 'They are struggling students, we had to chip in a substantial amount to that ring, so why did she have to get something so large and expensive?'

To be fair, my boyfriend's parents don't mean to be intrusive. They have very conservative, frugal values and it's inevitable that they're going to disapprove of large, 'unnecessary' purchases. They're also from a different part of the country (they're in the Midwest and we're on the West Coast), and most of the younger women where his parents live have diamonds that are about 1/2 carat, maybe even a bit smaller.
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Yikes! Kinda a big thing to forget to add, as it completley changes our perceptions of the situation...


If they're helping you pay, they get a say. End of story.


But WHY are they helping you pay for an engagement ring in the first place? And WHY are you accepting? IMHO a healthy marriage requires a certain level of financial independence, and taking money from one's parents to help fund something as frivolous as a big engagement ring does not inspire confidence, frankly.
 
Even before I read far down enough to find out that his parents were chipping in for the ring, I wondered about how financially independent boyfriend could be if he is still talking to his parents about these kinds of decisions. My daughter and I butt heads when she wants to buy something that I consider completely frivolous (and let me tell you I am *right*
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), her excuse being that "it''s her money, she saved up for it." Well yeah, sure, it''s easy to save money for frivolous stuff when your parents pay for your car insurance, essential clothing, most of your gas (she does run our errands), etc.

So...when you say he saved up a ring fund, was he able to do this without financial help from his family for basic necessities or is he still dependent on them? If he is still a dependent, I don''t think you are ready to be engaged, simple as that. If he''s not their dependent and still values mom''s opinion (over his future fiancee''s even) then that''s a huge red flag even if you say no thanks to their ring fund offer.

Just curious, why do you need to get engaged while you are both still students?
 
Thanks so much for this advice. It seems the consensus is something like "get what you want" and "get a backbone"!
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Part of me agrees with this, or I would have just gone ahead with the smaller stone and not even posted this question. However, I also feel that maintaining harmony in relationships is more important than things, even when the things are very special like an engagement ring. So I''m really torn, and feeling guilty as I look at diamonds in the .7 - .9 carat range.

Re. the future parents-in-law chipping in. I apologize, it honestly slipped my mind in my first post. (The total ring cost will probably be a bit over $5000, so the majority of the cost -- around $4000 -- is coming from my boyfriend.) His mother deposited the $1300 in my boyfriend''s "ring fund" account a couple weeks ago, so at this point it''s not a matter of accepting or declining it. We could give it back, of course, if we could figure out a tactful way to do that. If not approached delicately, I''m sure his mother would wonder why we''re giving back the money she kindly gave. Ultimately, if I decided to go ahead with a larger carat size, we could afford to do so by dipping into my savings (which I''m actually fine with).

Though his parents have opinions and aren''t always relucant to express those opinions to their children, it''s not as though their contribution to the ring is *contingent* on him getting a particular size or style. I guess it''s natural, though, when you contribute to the cost of anything, even if it''s only a fraction of the cost, that you feel you should get a say in how things turn out. They have also offered to pay for a portion of our wedding, but perhaps I should be cautious to accept it. But that''s a topic for another post!
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Just a side-note, if it makes any difference: my boyfriend''s parents didn''t contribute to the cost of the other daughter-in-law''s e-ring (the one with the pave band), but they still made disapproving remarks to other family members (not to her) about the ring being ostentatious. So, whether his parents don''t chip in or do chip in, if a larger diamond would run the risk of making them think I''m wasteful and materialistic, is it really worth it?
 
Agreed with the latest. The in-laws should have no part in the e-ring at all (unless it''s like a family heirloom), since it is the fiance''s symbol of his commitment. I''d seriously suggest you wait until he can afford to get you the ring you want before you get engaged.
 
The $1300 isn''t necessary for us to get a ring, so I suppose that''s why it slipped my mind when I wrote the first post. (The issue would still have been the same without it.) My boyfriend didn''t ask for it; his mother offered it as a gift and it came as a total surprise to both of us. It''s worth noting that my boyfriend has put himself through school with hard work and scholarships, and he doesn''t get money from them for tuition or living expenses. So, this was an opportunity for them to be generous and express love.

I agree that it would have been better if my boyfriend had said to his mother, "Thank you so much for this gift, but would you offer it as an engagement gift to us rather than a contribution to the ring?", but no one thought of that then.
 
I think it is a good time to learn you are NOT responsible for the judgments, thoughts and feelings of others. Just as they are not responsible for yours.

This does not mean you do not care, or are not respectful...it just means you do not take on the burden of other peoples "stuff" including that of FMILs own judgments and the like.

If they think you are wasteful and materialistic - let THEM own that. Do not take it on yourself.

Personally, I find it incredibly TACKY that they make disparaging remarks about their other DILs ring, and it reflects on them, not DIL. Same deal should they make remarks on your own future ring!

Stop talking to them about the ring. Period. When you get it, if they say anything, treat it as a compliment (even if it was not!), say thank you, and change the subject.

And again, I would seriously consider returning that money. Yes, it may be awkward, but life is like that at times!
 
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