Helping parents out financially

[DivaDiamond007]

I don't think you should give them any money. I really don't think you should be involved at all. It's their life, their money and you and DH have no business telling them how to manage their finances. Your IL's are not going to change unless they want to and there's nothing you or your DH can do to change that. They made their bed now they can lay in it

 

[Porridge]

If your DH feels guilty about leaving them hanging so to speak, perhaps put what you can comfortably afford - 5, 10, or even the 20k into an Oh Sh*t fund earmarked for them? You don't need to tell them, and DH has the peace of mind of knowing that if they get into something they really can't handle - a medical emergency of some sort, say - there's at least some guaranteed up-front cash.

That's a really good idea.

 

[partgypsy]

It sounds like the step mom has a shopping addiction. Giving money to these people would be like giving a bottle of booze to an alcoholic!

"DH's mom bought a 2400 square foot home in an expensive part of the UK when prices were booming. She has since bought a brand new mini cooper with all of the add ons, and has gone on extended holiday in Turkey and in Italy (2 different trips...3 weeks each). His father buys atv's, snowmobiles, boats etc. There are 3 cars in his household for 2 people. It also doesn't help that DH's stepmom buys several things online per day and has every electronic gadget ever made. Last time I was over she was showing off her new ipad and her kindle. She already has a Sony reader, an HP tablet, and a nook. Her credit cards were lined up next to her laptop and there were 20+ FedEx boxes"

If they bring it up, about money stuff, helpfully say things like "when I had a problem with cash flow I had a yard sale/sold things on ebay etc to make up the money. Or I have been packing lunches and using coupons and we have been able to save $100 a month this way! Or we decided to forgo buying a large house/going on this particular vacation/new car (whatever large purchase) until we have our student loans paid off." Not to say they will suddenly do these things, but it will highlight that you have your own financial priorities and you have to make hard decisions to be where you are at. They are not even remotely close to that self-understanding, and until they are giving them money is putting lighter fluid on a fire.

I would also offer to review their budget and help them with it, including what could be sold/downsized so they can make their financial commitments.

I really do hope that your husband understands how serious his parents behavior is, that they are putting themselves in the poor house and have the mentality that it is somebody else's problem. If I were him I would see if he could get all his siblings to meet with his parents for lunch, a non-confrontational but loving intervention about their spending behavior, and concerns that even with a good income they are not able to live on that, and what will happen when they are no longer able to work.

 

[zoebartlett]

I agree with you, Chemgirl. I know it sounds harsh/horrible to not want to help out your parents, but they've got to learn somehow. I wouldn't give your husband's dad and stepmom money but like others have suggested, a financial planner would be a great gift.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Keep in mind it is highly unlikely you or your husband will be able to make them "see the light." If they have a true shopping addiction they need *professional* help. Someone who has experience working with process addictions is preferred.

 

[swingirl]

I'm in an awkward situation and I don't really know what to do.

In my opinion, they got themselves in to their respective situations, and they're not doing anything to change it. DH's mom bought a 2400 square foot home in an expensive part of the UK when prices were booming. She has since bought a brand new mini cooper with all of the add ons, and has gone on extended holiday in Turkey and in Italy (2 different trips...3 weeks each). His father buys atv's, snowmobiles, boats etc. There are 3 cars in his household for 2 people. It also doesn't help that DH's stepmom buys several things online per day and has every electronic gadget ever made. Last time I was over she was showing off her new ipad and her kindle. She already has a Sony reader, an HP tablet, and a nook. Her credit cards were lined up next to her laptop and there were 20+ FedEx boxes stacked up in the back room

This doesn't sound like struggling to me. They just have different priorities than you and DH. Leave them be and don't contribute to their spending habits. They DO have retirement money, its tied up in their possessions, home and cars. They won't starve.

 

[maplefemme]

Your ILs have a HUGE problem, they need professional help.
I'd be the first to lend friends or family money if I were able to help them out if they got into financial trouble through unfortunate circumstance, but over my dead body would I lend/give your ILs money.
They are making irresponsible financial choices for themselves, they aren't poor.
I don't know if your DH realizes how serious a problem this is, you can't fix it by throwing money at it.
You are NOT being selfish!
If my DH insisted on giving them money it would be of serious detriment to our relationship.
I'm very sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[texaskj]

This may be harsh, but I wouldn't give them a dime and still sleep fine at night. You don't know what the future holds and you and your husband need to plan for your future, not theirs. Would he buy them a keg every week if they were alcoholics?

 

[kama_s]

I'd post a longer reply, but I think others have already done the needful and I'm on the exact same page as you are. Just posting to agree and validate! Hope things work out.

 

[chemgirl]

We are now on the same page. They just bought a huge 3d TV and lots of glasses. Dh is throwing in the towel.

 

[jewelerman]

i don't have to say much because its already been said many times.You need to protect your future financial health! those people are adults and if they spend their way into bankruptcy then its their choice...just because your husband is their son does not mean he is responsible to bail them out when they want to spend like little children...if they are saved from hitting rock bottom them they will do it over and over expecting you to continually bail them out.Your husband needs to help them only if they need food and emergency money and nothing more or less. A 10 k gift is showing them that he is their new meal ticket and a back up plan to being continually irresponsible!

 

[Gypsy]

We are now on the same page. They just bought a huge 3d TV and lots of glasses. Dh is throwing in the towel.

Wow. That's... well, looks like they made the decision for you. I'm glad you are on the same page now. And I agree with the keg analogy... you wouldn't buy beer for an alcoholic... don't enable them either.

 

[movie zombie]

i'm so glad you are both on the same page now!

 

[maplefemme]

We are now on the same page. They just bought a huge 3d TV and lots of glasses. Dh is throwing in the towel.

I'm happy to hear you are a united front now...
Hang in there, this could be a rocky road ahead with those two, but when you have each other for support it makes all the difference!

 

[MAC-W]

I clicked on this thinking I was going to tell you OF COURSE you should help them BUT after reading about how irresponsible they are woth their money--forget it! They blew a ton of money and now you need to help. Heck no!!

Like someone else mentioned, offer to help them pay for a class on money responsability and call it a day. Show your DH this thread if he doesn't agree. Besides, if you give them more cash they probably will waste that too. What a difficult position you are in. I feel for you.

Absolutely this. I couldnt have put it better.

I have helped my parents and my widowed MIL out financially in the past and have always subscribed to the philosophy that parents look after children, then children look after parents as they get older. In my mind that's non-negotiable.

But your hubby's parents..... meh! not so much. I think (as everyone else says) they are being irresponsible with their money and its not your husbands job to fix their self-made problems, but if it was my own family that might be easier said than done. Putting theory into practice and showing "tough love" can be extremely hard. (hugs)

 

[Imdanny]

In my opinion, they got themselves in to their respective situations, and they're not doing anything to change it. DH's mom bought a 2400 square foot home in an expensive part of the UK when prices were booming. She has since bought a brand new mini cooper with all of the add ons, and has gone on extended holiday in Turkey and in Italy (2 different trips...3 weeks each). His father buys atv's, snowmobiles, boats etc. There are 3 cars in his household for 2 people. It also doesn't help that DH's stepmom buys several things online per day and has every electronic gadget ever made. Last time I was over she was showing off her new ipad and her kindle. She already has a Sony reader, an HP tablet, and a nook. Her credit cards were lined up next to her laptop and there were 20+ FedEx boxes stacked up in the back room

Ok, wow. DH's mom bought a brand new mini cooper with all of the add ons. SO and I don't do anything like this without each other's approval and at this time from what I can read from your posts I don't see how it would be possible. Good luck and hugs.

 

[MAC-W]

<snip>

If your DH feels guilty about leaving them hanging so to speak, perhaps put what you can comfortably afford - 5, 10, or even the 20k into an Oh Sh*t fund earmarked for them? You don't need to tell them, and DH has the peace of mind of knowing that if they get into something they really can't handle - a medical emergency of some sort, say - there's at least some guaranteed up-front cash.

Luuuuurve this idea. Nice one! I think thats an excellent compromise.

 

[Imdanny]

wannabeMrsH, it's admirable that you help out your family when they need it, but it doesn't look like chemgirl's in-laws have even asked for help. chemgirl and Mr. chemgirl would essentially be giving the parents $10k each to blow on more crap since neither of the parents have made the decision to change the way they spend.

I think giving the in-laws the money would harm their relationship, not help it, because it will create some serious resentment when chemgirl and Mr. chemgirl see the $20k they gave up get spent on gadgets and cars.

Exactly. Why wouldn't someone want to sell their mini cooper and get some basic, reliable, and safe transportation (my word, it could even be a brand new car!) before wanting to take money from another's household?

When my MIL was visiting me, one of SO's sisters had her car repossessed. It's the one car she and her DH had and they have no money and no credit. (And, btw, there wasn't anything MIL, or SO, or I could do about it, either.)

SO's sister was borrowing MIL's car when MIL was here. Please don't ask me what SO's sister is going to do now. I can't even think of a possible solution for her. She's been stressed out almost to the point of tears every single day since this happened. It's bad.

There is a difference between need vs. want.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Curious, what if they'd spent their $$ on diamonds??? More sympathy? No enabling? No assistance?

cheers--Sharon

 

[julia_girl]

Don't do it...I am all for helping parents/family financially in certain situations but this is not one of them. The 20k will just be blown the way the rest of their money has been. I agree with the poster who said that if you want to help them, pay for them to see a financial advisor.
My ex convinced me to help his parents financially for several years. The situation was different in that he turned out to be a total crook too, but similar in that they did the exact same thing with my money as your in laws are doing with theirs. They could never afford to pay their bills but had no problems buying an array of interesting animals (llamas, swans etc) and taking long trips to Europe; his pathetic father had no problem stopping by my house routinely to ask for the money in my wallet so he could go get groceries. Fast forward a year later and I'm still paying off the debt they left me in while his mum's now asking other members of their family to lend them cc's I take comfort in knowing they'll never amount to anything on their own.
I am sure your dh is nothing like my ex, but just don't do it. It puts nothing but strain on the relationship and if you do it once, you two will be the first people they coming looking for when things go wrong next time.

 

[centralsquare]

We are now on the same page. They just bought a huge 3d TV and lots of glasses. Dh is throwing in the towel.

Wow - seems they really don't want to be financially stable. Can't make people into someone they are not!

 

[chemgirl]

Had a bit of a talk with step-mil today. I didn't bring up shopping, but she did. She was talking about an argument with FIL where she got back at him by spending his money. Apparently she purposely shops for stuff she doesn't need when she's mad at him. She freely admits it and seems to think its funny. I eventually said I don't do that to DH since its our money and I would be punishing myself as well. AWKWARD!!!

DH has talked to his siblings and they are planning a time to talk to their parents as a group. I really think they need some sort of counseling. We'll see how it goes. I know nothing will change unless they want it to.

Thank you everyone for your excellent advice and support!

 

[centralsquare]

Glad to hear that that the whole family is going to work together on the issue. May be more difficult than just giving money but will be better in the long run.

 

[TristanC]

Regardless whose money it is, once you are married, significant expenditures (define this how you will - it differs by couples based on their individual/shared wealth) need to be discussed.

Once you consider it significant, and your peers agree with you that it is significant, then you need to come to a reasonable understanding of why you are spending it.

Guilt and good intentions won't cut it. Financially significant amounts of money need to be spent wisely if they don't contribute to your own personal well being or happiness. There is no guilt to be accrued if you are not bailing people out of situations that they got themselves into.

I know a very extreme example where a couple kept bailing the in laws out due to their stupidity in terms of financial instruments - they would trade futures without any financial knowledge because his pool of friends gave him "advice" about what to do with his money. He lost his pants. On five separate incidents in the past.

We aren't talking small figures - we are talking tens of thousands each time, and after the third time, the money was coming from the couple as they had to pay off his credit cards (he maxed out the limit of his supplementary cards to get the cash). The final straw was when he lost his house. A mid 6 figures sum. Now the couple are straddled with that too, because the son insisted on helping his father again and again without taking sufficient account of his wife's feelings. Now they are wiped out, in debt, and in the worst possible position for themselves and their own family. I call stupid.

Lets just say the marriage is held together because of the mother's desire for the child to have 2 parents. They don't learn. People never learn when you bail them out. What is the point then of doing it?

Do you feel guilt? Responsibility? You should. Only if the recipient feels it too. Otherwise, that burden isn't for you to shoulder.

Want to help? Lend them your ebay account to sell off all the new toys and gadgets to get some money back for them. You can consolidate the sales into a Paypal account for them and make the scheduled credit card payments. They need to see things disappear to understand the concept of money.

 

[chemgirl]

Regardless whose money it is, once you are married, significant expenditures (define this how you will - it differs by couples based on their individual/shared wealth) need to be discussed.

Once you consider it significant, and your peers agree with you that it is significant, then you need to come to a reasonable understanding of why you are spending it.

Guilt and good intentions won't cut it. Financially significant amounts of money need to be spent wisely if they don't contribute to your own personal well being or happiness. There is no guilt to be accrued if you are not bailing people out of situations that they got themselves into.

I know a very extreme example where a couple kept bailing the in laws out due to their stupidity in terms of financial instruments - they would trade futures without any financial knowledge because his pool of friends gave him "advice" about what to do with his money. He lost his pants. On five separate incidents in the past.

We aren't talking small figures - we are talking tens of thousands each time, and after the third time, the money was coming from the couple as they had to pay off his credit cards (he maxed out the limit of his supplementary cards to get the cash). The final straw was when he lost his house. A mid 6 figures sum. Now the couple are straddled with that too, because the son insisted on helping his father again and again without taking sufficient account of his wife's feelings. Now they are wiped out, in debt, and in the worst possible position for themselves and their own family. I call stupid.

Lets just say the marriage is held together because of the mother's desire for the child to have 2 parents. They don't learn. People never learn when you bail them out. What is the point then of doing it?

Do you feel guilt? Responsibility? You should. Only if the recipient feels it too. Otherwise, that burden isn't for you to shoulder.

Want to help? Lend them your ebay account to sell off all the new toys and gadgets to get some money back for them. You can consolidate the sales into a Paypal account for them and make the scheduled credit card payments. They need to see things disappear to understand the concept of money.

Thank you for sharing this story.

We are not going to help them financially. That's completely agreed on now. Any help would be in the form of a financial planner or an addiction counselor. DH was fuming for most of the weekend over the TV and her comments about how rich we are (we're not) and how she wishes somebody would help her just made him more angry.

I had to bring my laptop to do some work over the weekend and she talked incessantly about how I'm spoiled and she wishes her husband would buy her a nice new laptop. Then it was complaint after complaint that we're going to Germany and she has never been to Europe. I tried to explain that we budget and put a percentage of our paychecks into a savings account earmarked for travel; that we don't go on trips whenever we want, but when we have saved enough. Nothing was sinking in. She would just look at me and say I was a "lucky lucky girl." Its almost like she's jealous of me and I really don't get it. We're moving next month for my job and renting in our new city until I am settled in to the job and the city. She thought we would be renting a tiny cheap apartment. When she found out we were renting a house (in a better neighborhood than her son's, gasp!) she called us stupid.

So yeah, we're probably not going to visit for a few weeks and there is no way we're giving them money. Talking finances with her was like talking to a brick wall.

END RANT

 

[MAC-W]

Regardless whose money it is, once you are married, significant expenditures (define this how you will - it differs by couples based on their individual/shared wealth) need to be discussed.

Once you consider it significant, and your peers agree with you that it is significant, then you need to come to a reasonable understanding of why you are spending it.

Guilt and good intentions won't cut it. Financially significant amounts of money need to be spent wisely if they don't contribute to your own personal well being or happiness. There is no guilt to be accrued if you are not bailing people out of situations that they got themselves into.

I know a very extreme example where a couple kept bailing the in laws out due to their stupidity in terms of financial instruments - they would trade futures without any financial knowledge because his pool of friends gave him "advice" about what to do with his money. He lost his pants. On five separate incidents in the past.

We aren't talking small figures - we are talking tens of thousands each time, and after the third time, the money was coming from the couple as they had to pay off his credit cards (he maxed out the limit of his supplementary cards to get the cash). The final straw was when he lost his house. A mid 6 figures sum. Now the couple are straddled with that too, because the son insisted on helping his father again and again without taking sufficient account of his wife's feelings. Now they are wiped out, in debt, and in the worst possible position for themselves and their own family. I call stupid.

Lets just say the marriage is held together because of the mother's desire for the child to have 2 parents. They don't learn. People never learn when you bail them out. What is the point then of doing it?

Do you feel guilt? Responsibility? You should. Only if the recipient feels it too. Otherwise, that burden isn't for you to shoulder.

Want to help? Lend them your ebay account to sell off all the new toys and gadgets to get some money back for them. You can consolidate the sales into a Paypal account for them and make the scheduled credit card payments. They need to see things disappear to understand the concept of money.

Thank you for sharing this story.

We are not going to help them financially. That's completely agreed on now. Any help would be in the form of a financial planner or an addiction counselor. DH was fuming for most of the weekend over the TV and her comments about how rich we are (we're not) and how she wishes somebody would help her just made him more angry.

I had to bring my laptop to do some work over the weekend and she talked incessantly about how I'm spoiled and she wishes her husband would buy her a nice new laptop. Then it was complaint after complaint that we're going to Germany and she has never been to Europe. I tried to explain that we budget and put a percentage of our paychecks into a savings account earmarked for travel; that we don't go on trips whenever we want, but when we have saved enough. Nothing was sinking in. She would just look at me and say I was a "lucky lucky girl." Its almost like she's jealous of me and I really don't get it. We're moving next month for my job and renting in our new city until I am settled in to the job and the city. She thought we would be renting a tiny cheap apartment. When she found out we were renting a house (in a better neighborhood than her son's, gasp!) she called us stupid.

So yeah, we're probably not going to visit for a few weeks and there is no way we're giving them money. Talking finances with her was like talking to a brick wall.

END RANT

IMO, you have done everything you can. You can only help those that want to be helped!

 

[missy]

Hi Chemgirl, I'm so glad you and your dh are on the same page now. I was cringing when I was reading how jealous (and IMO mean spirited) your step MIL is. For a grown woman to behave this way is terribly sad and especially a parent figure. Someone who is supposed to put their children first. Before their selfish needs/wants. Sounds like she is the child and also sounds like (forgive me if this offends as I do not mean it to) she doesn't care about you or your dh at all. Selfish and stupid. A deadly combination.

Sorry that you are dealing with this unpleasant situation and I know it cannot be easy for you and your dh to watch them self destruct. Hopefully once they hit rock bottom they will begin to see they need to change their spending/saving become more responsible fiscally and then things will begin to improve. I am sending you and your dh dust for strength and support to not get sucked in to their nightmare and for a resolution to be soon at hand for your in laws.

 

[iLander]

My uncle asked me for $8K once. We started talking, and it turned out the $8K would have just been a drop in the bucket. He owed about $25K on his cards, and the $8K would have just covered the minimum payments for a year! I asked him what the heck he thought he would do in a year, and he admitted he didn't really know. And he certainly didn't know how he would ever pay me back. He and my aunt have a strange relationship, together over 30 years, but their money is separate. SHE wouldn't even loan him the money!

I said "no way" and that motivated him to take stock of his situation and make some changes. He took out a home equity loan, got rid of cards, etc.

If I had said yes, he would be in even worse shape today.

Sometimes no really is better than yes.

I think what makes it difficult for children to understand is that their parents are people too. They make mistakes, are petulant and immature, and have just as many faults as anyone else. It's obvious that the parents are just immature and childish, like anyone else you might know.

Pretend all this was coming from a friend of yours, someone your own age. Then what would you and DH think? Does that change your perspective at all? Visualize one of your friends or acquaintances, then put the MIL's words into their mouths. Can you picture it?

Do you see how immature and childish that person is? Do you want to give them money? Of course not!

You made the right decision.

 

[ooo~Shiney!]

This is an amazing thread, to me.
Initially I thought this might be about assisting parents
who were possibly suddenly disabled, out of work, or struggling with medical emergency or something of that sort.
Instead, it is about a very selfish STEP- mother in law (I won't even comment on that one),
and her "hints" that friends of hers
have children that "help" pay for their extravagances.....
GEEZ !!!!

Your DH is with you on this one, THANK GOD !!!!

I agree with all the other comments you have received here,
and I am so happy you and DH have come to a mutual agreement on this tough situation.

They sound like they are not very old.
Just wait until they are, and then have a medical emergency,
and / or then need to move in with you .....
That day is coming.

 

[missy]

Pretend all this was coming from a friend of yours, someone your own age. Then what would you and DH think?

Personally, I would think they are not friends with that behavior- if that's what they say and how they treat us.

iLander, she seems to look out more for her son (at least from how I am interpreting chemgirl's posts). There seems to be an inequality here and sure they are people but they are also family and you really cannot separate the 2 realistically. I still think this is unbecoming behavior for whomever is behaving this way-friend/family member/person.