HELP with "surprise" engagement ring

[missy26]

Hi Everyone, I need a little help here. My boyfriend is going to propose soon, and he wants it to be a "surprise". His mother, my future mother in law (yay!), called to ask me what I would like as she and her husband will be calling their family jeweler and making the arrangements.

I don''t know what their budget is (and I am definitely NOT asking) but I do know that they bought their other daughter-in-law a "perfect" 1.5 carat princess cut (his mom kept emphasizing that it was a "perfect" diamond so I am assuming VVSI or something similar so I''m guessing around $20,000???).

I have some basic ideas of what I want and FMIL has told me to give her parameters since she knows I am a diamond "expert" (read: "fanatic")

I really would like a cushion cut (in the Tiffany Novo style & setting)....I wear a size six ring and I have tried on lots of rings to get a feel for what looks good on my long fingers and pretty much have decided that anything less than 2.5 carats will look small....I know all the PS''ers out there talk about shrinkage so I think it is a pretty common feeling. I also think I may want a slightly lower profile.

I was thinking I could direct them to get something in the 2.5-3 carat range, G-I color, VS1-SI2 (as long as it''s eye clean).....any thoughts about this????? Any guidance is really appreciated. I *love* that my bf wants to surprise me and my FMIL (whom I talk to every day) is SOO thoughtful and generous to include me in this process!!!

I know I will *love* whatever I get as it will be meaningful and special but since I am so particular I would like to have as much input as possible.

Unfortunately using GOG or ERD is not possible as they are set on using a friend of the family who made the E-Ring for their other daughter-in-law.

Kind and helpful responses are much appreciated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[RxTechRN2b]

Just tell your future in-laws what you said here if they are asking for parameters -- that you like the tiffany cushion Novo style in the color/clarity/cut range that is acceptable to you. (However, to ask for such a large size, especially that much larger than they did for their daughter-in-law, might sound greedy).

 

[vslover]

I wouldn't ask for a 2-3 carat diamond...their other daughter in law got a 1.5 princess (which is quite a bit cheaper than a 1.5 carat round would be)...but I'd mention that you'd like a cushion, and the style of the band...and let them go from there.

 

[Lorelei]

I would tell them your colour and clarity parameters and if you can, mention that you would prefer a larger well cut diamond to high colour or clarity if possible, that might be the most graceful way to broach the subject. I wonder though, as cushions can have so many variables appearance wise, if you had your heart set on a certain type of cushion and you didn''t get it, how would you feel? I hope you end up with a ring you love!

 

[missy26]

Thanks Lorelei! I certainly don''t want to appear greedy, but as someone with a cursory knowledge of diamonds and a real love of them I''m nervous about them picking the diamond w/o me! It is certainly so generous of them to do this at all and thoughtful to ask me what I want. His mom keep saying "no daughter-in-law of mine will be getting a little chip!" and I think your plan of saying that I don''t need a "perfect" diamond as a way to indicate size preference over color/clarity preference may work. It''s true though that every cushion can look so different. I already feel awkward about giving them general parameters but what about emailing pictures of stones I like? I just don''t want to be forward or appear ungrateful/greedy etc....if I were going in-person with my bf this would be so much easier.

Not that it matters but sister-in-law weighs 100lbs and wears a size 3 ring so her E-Ring looks *huge* on her. Most of my girlfriends who are engaged have at minimum 2.5 carats (with some girls topping out at 4.5!!! -- too big for me)...so I am size concious.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 7/13/2008 12:38:42 PM
Author: missy26
Thanks Lorelei! I certainly don't want to appear greedy, but as someone with a cursory knowledge of diamonds and a real love of them I'm nervous about them picking the diamond w/o me! It is certainly so generous of them to do this at all and thoughtful to ask me what I want. His mom keep saying 'no daughter-in-law of mine will be getting a little chip!' and I think your plan of saying that I don't need a 'perfect' diamond as a way to indicate size preference over color/clarity preference may work. It's true though that every cushion can look so different. I already feel awkward about giving them general parameters but what about emailing pictures of stones I like? I just don't want to be forward or appear ungrateful/greedy etc....if I were going in-person with my bf this would be so much easier.

Not that it matters but sister-in-law weighs 100lbs and wears a size 3 ring so her E-Ring looks *huge* on her. Most of my girlfriends who are engaged have at minimum 2.5 carats (with some girls topping out at 4.5!!! -- too big for me)...so I am size concious.

You are welcome! I would think there is a fair chance the subject will be brought up again in the near future, and as your MIL has requested your basic parameters, when you mention that you would prefer size over very high clarity, you could maybe slip in that you love cushions with chunky facets for example, if she expresses interest ( as hopefully she will), then you could offer to email her some pics of the type of cushion you like. Hopefully this will be the case, as she would want you to have a diamond you love. Did your BF ask his parents to be directly involved?

 

[missy26]

Thanks for the great advice! Yes, my bf just started his residency as a doctor and has *no* money and his parents had offered to help him. He is clueless when it comes to diamonds and he pretty much told them "call the jeweler" !!! If I left it up to him who knows what I would end up with! LOL It is so nice that his mom is being as helpful as she is. I know she just really wants me to be happy with it, and she understands how special and important it is.

 

[RxTechRN2b]

Since size is the most important to you and you certainly wouldn''t want anything smaller than your friends, then a tactful way to say it would be simply "I prefer a large diamond but I couldn''t wear anything bigger than ? carats." Then, if you give clarity/color preferences, and they have a budget in mind, they can get you the biggest diamond within their budget and within your color/clarity pararmeters. When requesting a cushion, mention whether you like square or rectangles, chunky or modern facets, etc. Of course, if you are so specific then it really won''t be a surprise, will it?

 

[missy26]

Thanks Terry,

that''s a good idea to say "I couldn''t wear anything bigger than X" (which in my case I think would be three carats! I know, I have shocked myself!)

I guess the "surprise" will be the actual proposal itself and that I won''t be seeing the stone/setting ahead of time.

If I just wanted a RB I would probably not feel as strong a need to micromanage b/c *most* RB''s are similar, whereas I feel that cushions can very so dramatically.

Thanks again for the advice!!!

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 7/13/2008 12:52:39 PM
Author: missy26
Thanks for the great advice! Yes, my bf just started his residency as a doctor and has *no* money and his parents had offered to help him. He is clueless when it comes to diamonds and he pretty much told them 'call the jeweler' !!! If I left it up to him who knows what I would end up with! LOL It is so nice that his mom is being as helpful as she is. I know she just really wants me to be happy with it, and she understands how special and important it is.

I understand. I would try to make sure you slip in about the size part, but personally I wouldn't put any restrictions on the size part for this reason - well cut cushions in the type you like can be challenging to find, if you say you wouldn't want to wear anything over 2.5 - 3 carats, then you could miss out if they find a beautiful diamond which maybe tops that size slightly, they may decide it is not what you want, so keep the options open if you can!

 

[jstarfireb]

Just from a brief look at James Allen''s virtual inventory, I see that most 1.5ct princesses are about 10-12k. So I''m guessing they might have paid around $15000 for the other girl''s ring. I''m fairly sure you will not find a well-cut, eye-clean cushion for that price, especially at a B&M rather than GOG/ERD. The ones I''m seeing online, given your parameters and nothing below "premium" cut) are more in the $30-40k range. So I would give them your cut/color/clarity parameters first and ask for the largest cushion you can find within their budget. Go for a gold setting instead of platinum to put some of that toward the stone. Consider asking for a halo setting if you want it to look bigger. Good luck!

 

[kcoursolle]

I get a little nervous when the MIL is involved to a large degree...but there may be nothing you can do about it. However, I''m nervous because if you don''t get what you want you might offend the MIL and the FI. Furthermore, FI should be doing this and not his mother.

Any chance you can talk to your FI about what you want and encourage him to buy from ERD instead of the family jeweler? His money will go farther and this way the MIL won''t be as involved. It can still be a surprise what he picks out, when he proposes, etc. You already know it''s going to happen since your MIL contacted you. Maybe he can tell his mom that he really wants to do the research and pick out something personally for you...

If you don''t want to talk to your FI, then I think all you can politely do is tell your MIL that you really like cushion diamonds and the style of setting you want, and maybe give her a picture or two. I''m not sure it''s polite to mention a carat size parameter or getting too specific with color or clarity.

 

[purrfectpear]

When my son chooses a FI I hope that she will indicate shape and style preferences. However, if she actually "asked" for 2.5 to 3.0 I would never look at her without thinking shallow little thing

If it''s really the average in your set then you are insulting FI and FMIL by implying they need to be told. If it isn''t then you just look like a grubber.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 7/13/2008 2:58:24 PM
Author: purrfectpear
When my son chooses a FI I hope that she will indicate shape and style preferences. However, if she actually 'asked' for 2.5 to 3.0 I would never look at her without thinking shallow little thing

If it's really the average in your set then you are insulting FI and FMIL by implying they need to be told. If it isn't then you just look like a grubber.

Unfortunately, I have to ditto perrfectpear...I disagree with those who say you should let your FMIL know what size you want. I dont know how old you are but I'm guessing mid 20's at most based on your guy being in med school...sorry if I'm wrong. I think that it's a bit weird that your in laws are basically buying your ering in the first place. But because they are essentially doing just that, I dont think it's appropriate to "ask" for any specific size at all, and if you're quite young, they might be even more offended that you expect such a large ring right off the bat (I'm putting myself in their place, as perrfectpear did, and thinking what they might think). This whole in-laws buying the FDIL's ering is a verrrry slippery slope because you probably cannot change anything about your ering if you dont love it simply because they purchased it and it would no doubt offend them. I also dont think it matters one iota what size their other DIL is. They got her a 1.5ct stone and I would assume that they'd be looking in the same size range for their other FDIL as well. It sounds like they also purchased the other DILs ering, is that correct? Can you imagine how she would feel, knowing they got her a 1.5ct and they got you a 2.5ct? I'd feel very weird about that if I were the other DIL, which is why I'd just assume you're getting in the 1.5ct range as well.

Ultimately, I'd prefer my guy to buy what HE can afford so that the purchase is between the two of us. However, if you're set and okay with his parents buying your ering, then I think all you can do is give your preferred shape, setting and grading stats and be prepared to accept and love whatever it is they choose for you. I think telling them you want something no less than 2.5cts would be quite off putting, honestly speaking.

One more thing...I initially wanted an asscher or square EC and I have much larger fingers than you do, size 8s in summer! So when I was first looking at rings, I tried on some ECs/asschers and realized that they do indeed face up significantly smaller than some other shapes and that anything below 2.5-3.0 cts looked like it was lost on my size 8 finger. I decided to open my mind up to looking at other shapes and that's when I fell in love with an antique round. Before that, I'd never liked rounds at all. But the finger coverage I get with a 2.5ct. round, vs. a 2.5ct. square EC is miles different. You might want to try on some other shapes to see if you get more bang for their buck, as it were, if finger coverage is more important to you than quality. That's the other thing to sort out - do you prefer the largest stone possible, or the best stone possible? Are there grades you would not be happy with? Would you prefer a larger stone with no side stones in a plain solitaire setting as opposed to a fancier more pricey setting and smaller center stone? If so, let them know that sort of thing. But please, dont tell them you want at least a 2.5ct because I cannot imagine that going over well with them (unless your in-laws surname is either Graff or Winston, in which case, feel free to steer them towards anything...!).

ETA: babysteps makes some great points...

ETA2: Not *all* PSers have DSS or want to upgrade their rings. I'd wager most do not, you just hear about those that do because they post about upgrades here.

 

[babysteps]

Hi - personally, this would be a tough one for me. I would be ok w/ FMIL or SIL having input IF (big if) I knew it was from one of the trusted online vendors with a great trade-in policy down the line, esp. since you want a cushion and naturally are particular about it (they are gorgeous but do vary so much and as many PS''ers have noted they would want to visually have the chance to check one out.) BUT I realize that this isn''t an option for you as they want to use a family jeweler. I throw this out for consideration only - would you consider a different route? Maybe them using their family jeweler to source a fantastic, big eternity band as an ER? You could get some serious bling (like 4-5 carats in platinum) while staying in the budget of SIL''s princess. Down the line, make it a RHR and you and hubby pick out the perfect cushion for your ER? It is a lovely and sweet gesture for them to want to provide an ER, esp. since your future FI is in residency, but it could be nerve-wracking

to find the balance between your true heart''s desire and their budget/expectations -- too much one way and you may feel disappointment, too much the other and they might feel overly managed and put off -- and that is not the way to start off this next phase of your life. Good luck with the situation and I hope that you are able to come up with a solution that works for all and give you a lovely ring - congrats on the upcoming engagement!

 

[vslover]

Date: 7/13/2008 2:58:24 PM
Author: purrfectpear
When my son chooses a FI I hope that she will indicate shape and style preferences. However, if she actually ''asked'' for 2.5 to 3.0 I would never look at her without thinking shallow little thing

If it''s really the average in your set then you are insulting FI and FMIL by implying they need to be told. If it isn''t then you just look like a grubber.

I agree...especially since the other DIL got a 1.5 carat ring...why should hers be twice as big? Bizarre.

 

[Lorelei]

I see no problem with the OP saying that she would prefer size rather than very high clarity for example, as they have asked for her preferences, this is a different thing than saying she 'wants' a certain size diamond. In my opinion, this isn't an ideal situation in the first place, but as the OP has expressed size is important to her, and she has been denied the opportunity to choose her own diamond with her BF, then she could have perhaps juggled her priorities to get some of the size she wanted, I don't see why she can't mention that she would rather have a bigger rock than a ' perfect' stone if she is asked for her preferences, although I do agree to categorically state " I want at least 2.5 carats" would not be the way to go about it. She also may never get the chance to upgrade most likely, as she could potentially hurt her in law's feelings by selling or trading in the diamond they picked out for her....

 

[RxTechRN2b]

My XH had no money and I wore his dinky little engagement ring for twenty years. And I wouldn''t have wanted a bigger stone if it meant my MIL chose, shopped for, and bought it for me. Indeed, the motivation of the giver and reciever of this large cushion speaks volumes in my book.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 7/13/2008 12:12:39 PM
Author:missy26
Hi Everyone, I need a little help here. My boyfriend is going to propose soon, and he wants it to be a 'surprise'. His mother, my future mother in law (yay!), called to ask me what I would like as she and her husband will be calling their family jeweler and making the arrangements.


Kind and helpful responses are much appreciated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is always the possibility that the in laws could be contacting the jeweller for some suitable stones for you to go and choose from, if so then you might be able to find one to your liking.

 

[Circe]

It sounds as though everything between you and your future in-laws is very loving and very open. This is wonderful! Nevertheless, I''d still be ... careful ... in terms of phrasing what I preferred, if I were you, just to avoid giving the wrong impression. Saying that you prefer a bigger stone over a "perfect" stone sounds awesome: specifying color ranges and clarity ranges sounds awesome. But specifying a minimum size ... well, that sounds a little off to me. It would be one thing if this were a mutual decision between you and your FI, but the inclusion of family shifts the balance, if you see what I mean: none of your money is going into this, at all, even in the general sense that once you''re married you and he will be pooling resources. Since it''s *all* them, they sort of get final say ... and this is something to keep in mind, too, when you compare the possibilities to your friends ER''s. Most of them wear 2.5+ ... but did most of their in-laws buy for them because they or their FI''s were still getting their educations? It''s a different set of circumstances.

However it plays out, you''re joining a family that''s doing everything it can to welcome you. Congratulations!

 

[vslover]

Wait...are the future in-laws PAYING for the ring or just helping the guy pick it out? I would NOT want a ring paid for by the guy''s parents...

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 7/13/2008 4:24:07 PM
Author: vslover
Wait...are the future in-laws PAYING for the ring or just helping the guy pick it out? I would NOT want a ring paid for by the guy's parents...

I think they will in fact be paying for it VSL, going by a previous post. I wouldn't want to do it this way either, but it appears that Missy is ok with this arrangement judging by the words below.

"Yes, my bf just started his residency as a doctor and has *no* money and his parents had offered to help him. He is clueless when it comes to diamonds and he pretty much told them "call the jeweler" !!! If I left it up to him who knows what I would end up with! LOL It is so nice that his mom is being as helpful as she is. I know she just really wants me to be happy with it, and she understands how special and important it is. "

 

[vslover]

Date: 7/13/2008 4:27:20 PM
Author: Lorelei

Date: 7/13/2008 4:24:07 PM

Author: vslover

Wait...are the future in-laws PAYING for the ring or just helping the guy pick it out? I would NOT want a ring paid for by the guy''s parents...

I think they will in fact be paying for it VSL, going by a previous post. I wouldn''t want to do it this way either, but it appears that Missy is ok with this arrangement judging by the words below.


''Yes, my bf just started his residency as a doctor and has *no* money and his parents had offered to help him. He is clueless when it comes to diamonds and he pretty much told them ''call the jeweler'' !!! If I left it up to him who knows what I would end up with! LOL It is so nice that his mom is being as helpful as she is. I know she just really wants me to be happy with it, and she understands how special and important it is. ''

I''d rather just wear a simple band until my FI could pay for the ring himself...but either way, I think she needs to tread carefully here...this has a lot of potential for ugliness if things are worded wrong.

 

[rcrosier]

Missy26 --

First off, I am a diamond buff (guy, 22 yrs old) who buys a lot of diamonds for my girlfriend of 6 years w/ my own money, not my parent''s money. I recently bought a 1.5 ct ACA from WF, so some of you may have seen my postings, but I am new here. It seems like some others in this post feel the same way I do...

The LAST THING that I want to do is insult your customs, but they do not match mine. With your expensive taste, I assume you come from a family with money. I agree not to tell your FMIL that you want at least 2.5 carats as that would make you look absolutely shallow and self-absorbed in my book. In my family, that type of action would likely be perceieved as an unforgiveable character flaw. However, if having a huge diamond is that important to you, you may want to tell them. I am assuming that you are young and don''t have a substantial disposable income yourself. If you do, then you may want to consider finding a boyfriend that can afford to keep up with you. Your current boyfriend can''t afford to buy you anything right now due to his situation, let alone a 2.5+ ct stone, but he will in the future (assuming he does well as a doctor). You have three main options:

1. Have the FMIL buy you the diamond, which you will likely have to keep for the rest of your life to avoid offending her. You will likely get something in the same price range as your FSIL, so don''t be surprised or disappointed when you do. If the size of your diamond is going to make your self esteem go down, you should probably see a doctor, as that is not healthy. If your friends express to you that a 1.5 ct diamond is "too small", you need to get some new friends.

2. Wait and get engaged later, when your boyfriend can afford it. After a few years as a doctor, he can blow $50K on your ring and you both can drive hoopties... People my age these days want everything, and they want it RIGHT now. Patience goes a long way in getting what you want.

3. Tell her exactly what you told us and hope that she doesn''t stragle you.

Your FMIL is offering to give you a lot of money in buying a 1.5 ct ering. You SHOULD be greatful... And I assumes that she will expect you to be, so asking for more will likely upset her. This would say to pick option 1.

I would choose option 2, because I take pride in being independent. Always means more when you earn something rather than having it handed to you. After all, you can buy Olympic gold medals on eBay, but getting one like that is nothing to be proud of...

Then there option three, which might leave you single again...

Good luck and regards,

 

[lovesparklies]

It sounds like you''re totally ok with FMIL picking out and paying for your ring so I won''t go into that.

Since your FMIL considers you a diamond fanatic it wouldn''t be out of hand to send her pics of the types of cushions you like, give her your color and clarity parameters and mention you''d be willing to sacrifice color and clarity for size. Beyond that, don''t you think she would get the largest stone possible within her budget anyway?

Just be prepared for your future in-laws to spend about the same on your ring as they did for your future SIL if they''re like most parents. It will be hard to find a 2.5-3 ct cushion, even while sacrificing quality, for $20,000. Plus, your FMIL seems very proud that her DIL''s princess is "perfect", so she may value color, clarity, and cut more than size and since it''s her decision to make, well...

If you''re size-conscious you may want to consider a round stone and if you won''t be comfortable with a smaller stone than your friends you could go a totally different route for now and get a big eternity band like babysteps suggested.

Whatever you end up getting for a ring you''ll be engaged soon so congrats!

 

[reader]

How about a nice bonding experience with your MIL? Could you arrange a fun visit to her city to look at rings and chat about wedding plans? Might give you a better handle on the situation?

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

Date: 7/13/2008 12:12:39 PM
Author:missy26
Hi Everyone, I need a little help here. My boyfriend is going to propose soon, and he wants it to be a ''surprise''. His mother, my future mother in law (yay!), called to ask me what I would like as she and her husband will be calling their family jeweler and making the arrangements.

I don''t know what their budget is (and I am definitely NOT asking) but I do know that they bought their other daughter-in-law a ''perfect'' 1.5 carat princess cut Then, you have nothing to worry about.

I really would like a cushion cut. It is fine to let them know this.

I was thinking I could direct them to get something in the 2.5-3 carat range. It is NOT fine to let them know this.

I know I will *love* whatever I get as it will be meaningful and special but since I am so particular I would like to have as much input as possible. Then, it doesn''t sound like you will "LOVE" whatever you get. It sounds like you have some very specific requirements. Maybe you should suggest that they set the diamond into a solitaire, then you can reset it into the setting of your choice before or after the wedding.

Unfortunately using GOG or ERD is not possible as they are set on using a friend of the family who made the E-Ring for their other daughter-in-law. Too bad, since these are the two very best places to buy gorgeous cushions!

Kind and helpful responses are much appreciated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

Date: 7/13/2008 3:59:21 PM
Author: RxTechRN2b
My XH had no money and I wore his dinky little engagement ring for twenty years. And I wouldn''t have wanted a bigger stone if it meant my MIL chose, shopped for, and bought it for me. Indeed, the motivation of the giver and reciever of this large cushion speaks volumes in my book.

Me too. It always blows me away when these young people get such large diamonds just starting out. I guess that means they get the 5-10 caraters on their anniversaries!

 

[RxTechRN2b]

I''m a bit concerned for the girlfriend that her boyfriend has no interest in the process of choosing and paying for THEIR engagement ring. And I''m very concerned for the future Mr. MD that his girlfriend 1) thinks she''s entitled to a larger diamond than the other daughter-in-law, 2)that she''s okay with the future MIL paying for her diamond, and 3)that she''s worried she will end up with a smaller ring than her friends.

Something is seriously wrong with this picture. And if anyone thinks the responses should be kinder -- oh well. I was kind at first, but the more I think about this situation, the more I realize this girl needs to be told the truth.

The truth is, it''s a very bad idea to have the MIL buy her son''s engagement ring, even if she did it for the other son. If the girl thinks it''s too small or not right in any way (and she herself said she''s worried it won''t be just right), she''s stuck with the eyesore for the rest of her life - er, marriage. And it IS revealing a character flaw in asking for the size diamond she thinks she needs.

 

[Gypsy]

No comment on parents buying the ring. I've heard of it happening before and so its not that weird for me. In some cutures its customary. Whatever floats your boat.

I would NOT mention carat size. No way. I'm with purfect pear.

I WOULD say what shape I wanted and setting style (maybe with a couple of pics for the setting style), I would give them a reasonable color range. THEN would say that since the balance of the four C's is an individual thing, all other things being equal... I would prefer larger eyeclean SI stone to a smaller VVS stone. That would be the max I'd say about size, even IF they specifically ask. And I would thank them profusely for consulting me and making me feel special.

Even if I was asked DIRECTLY about carat size I wouldn't say. Just ask them to use their judgement.