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HELP with "surprise" engagement ring

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I don''t think it''s a bad thing for the family to buy the ring at all if everyones cool with it. It sounds like they are going to want to get you a nice ring too since they got your future SIL a nice one. I would be sort of careful about asking for a large stone too though. I''m sure you''ll be able to find the right words to express that you prefer larger stones. But I actually think that getting a 1.5 carat stone would be really nice and a good gesture on the part of your future in laws. It''s actually very sizable. But I know there are some people that just have to have larger stones. Thats very important to some people and I respect it.

P.S. Funny story about my ring and MIL. My ring came from Langantiques and my MIL complained that it was too expensive ( even though my husband was paying, not her) and wanted my husband to take my ring back and get my ring at macys!!! Thank goodness he didn''t listen to her. Mother in laws....sigh.
 
People have already given you some really great advice to consider.

Wow-that is so great that you are being welcomed with such open arms. That is a treasure better than any diamond. It really sounds like your future mother in law really cares about your feelings and wants you to be very happy. That is very dear of her.

If this is the route you take and if they are going to be buying the ring and since it sounds from your post as if there is open communication than perhaps you can tell them which of the C''s are most important to you in which order. I agree with the others who say that giving an exact size would potentially be very very problematic.

As others pointed out the feelings of the other DIL should be remembered to avoid future problems. You want to continue on good footing with all your in-laws especially since they sound so accommodating and kind.

I liked babysteps idea a great deal. Brilliant idea babysteps!

If they do end up getting the ring then I think that loving what they choose and fawning over it to your future mother in law and her husband are essential. Don''t just say thank you-make sure to send a lovely card and flowers or a gift basket in gratitude. Make sure to tell them about all the compliments it gets and how awesome they are and what great taste they have and the like. Take her out to a special girls lunch and maybe a manicure or something to celebrate.

This is a bit off topic but when I got married my Mom told me that it is sweet and respectful to ask my future mother in law for any cooking ideas or recipes that were her son''s favorite things to eat growing up. My Mother in law had a ball getting together my husbands favorite recipes and presenting them to me. I love having that. Granted this would not work with everyone since some people keep the family recipes super secret. But its nice to know what comfort foods your guy grew up with especially when he gets bummed or sick. It sounds silly and old fashioned (my husband is a fabulous chef himself) but its really a nice thing to do. Celebrate the heck out of having a nice future MIL for sure!

So my main thoughts are to be super thankful and gracious for their generosity and welcoming spirit. Congrats on this exciting time!

Mrs.2Artists
 
Date: 7/13/2008 8:00:51 PM
Author: NeverEndingUpgrade
Date: 7/13/2008 3:59:21 PM

Author: RxTechRN2b

My XH had no money and I wore his dinky little engagement ring for twenty years. And I wouldn't have wanted a bigger stone if it meant my MIL chose, shopped for, and bought it for me. Indeed, the motivation of the giver and reciever of this large cushion speaks volumes in my book.
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Me too. It always blows me away when these young people get such large diamonds just starting out. I guess that means they get the 5-10 caraters on their anniversaries!
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I'm just wondering what these 20-25 year old men do for a living. Who gets $150,000+ a year jobs fresh out of college?
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Just an additional thought to the OP - are you close with the other DIL? If you are comfortable, it might help talking to her to see how she navigated this process with the in-laws since in that situation it seems (from your post) that it worked out in a way that pleased everyone? I think the advice above to stay away from talking about size, even if pressed and asked directly, is very wise.

Respectfully, to some other posters, families vary HUGELY with respect to financial support -- some are unable to give grown children any support at all; some apparently help with the ring, or gift the ring completely; others in the past have been given grandmothers'' or other ''family'' diamonds to work with for a new ring; some parents want to help with kids mortgages, or grad school; some pay for huge wedding receptions, or honeymoons - you get the point. I think reading too much into the ''motivations'' of either the poster, her BF or the future IL''s is hasty and potentially unfair. My guess is that if she had said ''hey, guess what, my BF has a great big ol'' family diamond and I get input to set it as my ER'' she would get congrats and no negative feedback. The fact that her future in-laws want to buy a diamond instead of having one in a safe deposit box that they could bequeath doesn''t make it a less generous or loving gesture.
 
Date: 7/13/2008 12:38:42 PM
Author: missy26
Thanks Lorelei! I certainly don't want to appear greedy, but as someone with a cursory knowledge of diamonds and a real love of them I'm nervous about them picking the diamond w/o me! It is certainly so generous of them to do this at all and thoughtful to ask me what I want. His mom keep saying 'no daughter-in-law of mine will be getting a little chip!' and I think your plan of saying that I don't need a 'perfect' diamond as a way to indicate size preference over color/clarity preference may work. It's true though that every cushion can look so different. I already feel awkward about giving them general parameters but what about emailing pictures of stones I like? I just don't want to be forward or appear ungrateful/greedy etc....if I were going in-person with my bf this would be so much easier.

Not that it matters but sister-in-law weighs 100lbs and wears a size 3 ring so her E-Ring looks *huge* on her. Most of my girlfriends who are engaged have at minimum 2.5 carats (with some girls topping out at 4.5!!! -- too big for me)...so I am size concious.
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then double up on them. a 5 ct cushion don't look that big.
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G VS1 would be nice
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Date: 7/13/2008 4:24:07 PM
Author: vslover
Wait...are the future in-laws PAYING for the ring or just helping the guy pick it out? I would NOT want a ring paid for by the guy''s parents...
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don''t care who paid for the rock....
if somebody offer me a 2.5ct i''ll just take it!!
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I pretty much agree with what Gypsy said. And, I also agree that it''s no different than an inherited heirloom ring/stone - a gift is a gift.
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My IL''s paid for my engagement ring (I actually didn''t know that they did until a few years later), but my hubby couldn''t afford what I really wanted so he borrowed the money and paid it off. Didn''t make a lick of difference to me - we all need a little financial help sometimes.

Either way, I think it''s really great that you have IL''s that want to help you out in this way. It''s a very generous gesture and you''ll end up with a nice ring as an heirloom to pass on someday.

Just don''t mention carat size - it could for sure be perceived as being greedy and you need to keep the SIL in mind out of respect (since you know how big her stone is).

Best.
 
I would direct FMIL to this site - who knows she might also become a diamond fanatic.:).

But it will also help her work with the family jeweler to find a diamond that meets what you''re looking for.

As for mentioning the size - only you can gauge how that will go over. It depends so much on the individuals and there''s no enough background here to know how they would take it. If you think it''s appropriate then I would tell them, if you feel it might be seen as greedy I wouldn''t.

Good luck - sounds like you''re marrying into a really supportive and nice family!!!
 
I just wanted to say a *big* thank you to everyone who offered me supportive, thoughtful and helpful advice. I love my boyfriend more than anything and I am so happy to be joining his family soon, no matter what ring I get, I will be happy knowing I am marrying the man I love. After talking to my FMIL again I have decided to just send her a few pictures and let them pick whatever they want based off of that.

I decided to post my question on Pricescope because I thought this was a community of people with common interests -- obviously diamonds. I did not post my question on a relationship forum asking for feedback in that context.

To everyone else who offered nasty judgemental statements regarding who is paying for the ring, what my boyfriend does for a living, the kind of relationship we have, and criticism regarding what my preferences are I just want to say that I am really shocked that a community of people on a website ABOUT DIAMONDS, would not be mature enough to respond solely to my question. In no way was I expecting that posting a simple question would result in having my life analyzed by total strangers on the internet. I was under the impression that Pricescope had certain rules in place regarding posting to safeguard against these types of comments, but clearly it is not well regulated.

I have never once criticized or judged anyone else on these message boards for any of their statements, questions etc. I am actually quite insulted by what I have read and I am shocked that a group of people on pricescope could be so rude, judgemental and critical, and make idle commentary about my perceived lifestyle and family. As a result of this I surely will not be a part of this community any longer.
 
I have to admit, this thread has grabbed my attention more than any other, and my thoughts regarding same have changed. At first I felt I should give a "kind" response, then after thinking on it awhile that she should be told the "truth." Now I''ve come to the conclusion that the best thing for all involved is to go ahead and ask for the size that she so obviously desires.

First of all, I realize that it is customary in some cultures and from family to family, that the parents and/or in-laws gift a ring, the wedding, a home, etc. So I guess that part is not so disturbing. What is disturbing is that she needs to find a way to let her MIL know that it would not be acceptable to have a ring as "small" (if you think 1.5 carats is small you need your head examined) as her SIL-to-be or smaller than her friends (no less than 2.5 carats).

That said, my latest thoughts lead me to the conclusion that she should just come right out with her desires, and let the family decide how they feel. They need to know just what sort of person will be marrying their son, and if they are not disturbed by her shallow and greedy character, then all is well.
 
Date: 7/13/2008 12:12:39 PM
Author:missy26
*snip*.....I was thinking I could direct them to get something in the 2.5-3 carat range, G-I color, VS1-SI2 (as long as it''s eye clean).....any thoughts about this????? Any guidance is really appreciated.
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You asked if we had "any thoughts" about you directing them to get something in the 2.5-3.0 carat range.

I think people gave you their thoughts on that. You said any guidance was appreciated. I''m sensing a lack of appreciation
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I''m so sorry that you are feeling so bad. I am sad if we don''t get to see what you come up with because I am sure it will be very very beautiful.
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Again congrats on marrying into such a lovely family. They sound just wonderful. Best wishes on a bright joyous future.

Mrs. 2Artists
 
I would also add that I in no way judged the amount of love going on between these two soon to be engaged people. I don''t care what the guy''s profession will be, but besides thinking it''s weird for the in-laws to choose and buy the ring (realizing it may be a custom), my worries are about the desired size of the diamond!

If someone offered to spend $10,000 on a 1.5 carat ring for me (have no idea how much one costs since my largest is 0.75 carat), there''s no way I''d have the nerve to DIRECT the purchase towards a stone triple or quadruple the money (again, no idea of cost, I just know the price approximately doubles for every 0.5 carat)! Does this girl realize what she''s asking for?

And again, my judgement is leaning towards the fact that she thinks she should have larger and quadruple the value of the other daughter-in-law, and nothing smaller than her friends. That speaks to character in my books. If she doesn''t like to hear the truth, at least it did seem to put her in her place.
 
Missy, please don''t take any of the comments to heart in a negative fashion. I don''t know if my response fell into the category of judgmental, or not, but it was definitely intended to be helpful, and to avoid any potential heartache/confusion down the road. I think that''s the spirit of the board in general - why else would people take a few minutes out of their days to offer advice? Some of us are more "tough love" than others, but the general consensus of warning you away from asking for a minimum weight was well-intended, and related to your question. Glad to hear that you''ve come up with a solution you''re happy with! Wishing you well, and hoping you rethink the decision to leave: this place is a haven for diamond-lovers, even when we differ on opinions, or even ways of offering them. And, like Mrs. 2Artists, I''d love to see what you come up with!
 
Hi Missy,

One thing to keep in mind with a cushion cut like the Tiffany Novo is that it is a rather deep cut. IOW, if you need a larger diamond to look good on your hand, a 2.5 carat novo won''t look like a 2.5 carat diamond. It will look smaller than 2.5 RB would look, if that makes sense? I would say that something in the range of 2.5 carats can''t be found for $20K unless you go down on the clarity (well below VS), I would think you are looking at SI2 or so. The color would also have to be sacrificed a bit, probably a J or K. --Which can be really beautiful depending on the stone! But I guess the thing to keep in mind is that if you go for the cushion cut, and the budget is around the same as your SIL, (which it probably will be since they aren''t likely to spend 2X what they spent on her ring), then you will probably be disappointed in the size of the diamond--in terms of how large it looks on your finger. --Cushions are deep so a lot of carat weight goes inward toward the pavillion rather than showing a lot in diameter, again the way a RB does. Just something to consider when choosing. Good luck with your decision.
 
I agree with what Isabelle said about how big cushions look. When I was trying to decide if I liked a cushion or a radiant cut better I compared several 1ct stones side by side. Each and every one of the cushions faced up *much* smaller than the radiants of similar weight. In fact they looked almost half the size.

As far as the hurt feelings because of some people's comments? Part of that is probably because you weren't prepared for anything but super positive feedback. Unfortunately when we ask for people's opinions, we cannot sensor the answers they may provide as it's their opinion afterall. Even still, I'm sure no malice was meant. It's hard in this typewritten world to fully convey emotions and everything said comes out cold and hard even if it wasn't intended as such.

Good luck finding the perfect combination of everything (desired specs, conversation about specs, FMIL buying etc.) and please do come back to share with us what you ended up getting!

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Missy26: I''m sorry you are upset about some of the responses you got. You even asked for "kind and helpful responses."


Please do not let that keep you from returning to this community. If I were in your shoes, I would have posted the same question. I wouldn''t call you greedy at all; you are a woman who simply knows what she wants and there is nothing wrong with that. Please ignore the catty and judgmental responses you got from a few of the members and show us that ring when you get it! You are lucky to have such an involved FMIL who truly cares about getting you something you''ll cherish forever.

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Iowa Lizzy,

To receive a gift 1.5 carat diamond is exceptionally generous, considering that most women will never own even a 1 carat diamond.

But to direct that gift towards 2.5 to 3 carats does look greedy to me. It''s okay to know what you want, most women want a big diamond like that! It''s okay to GET what you want if you are the one paying for it.

But in the case of Missy, her question is -- how can I get the message to the future MIL that a 1.5 carat diamond is just not good enough for me? Instead of spending an incredibly generous amount of money on my gift (far more than most women will ever receive), I would like her to triple or quadruple that amount.

If that''s not greed, then what is it?
 
Terry, given that the first DIL''s 1.5 ct. was described as "perfect," it''s not unreasonable to assume that it might be, say, D, IF. A diamond of that quality could potentially cost in the same neighborhood as a larger, lower near-colorless, SI2 stone, which the OP said she wasn''t averse to - she''s more focused on size. Nothing wrong with that ... she was looking for ways to convey that to her future in-laws. None of that makes her intrinsically greedy, shallow, or needing to be "put in her place." I think she''s gotten the message.
 
Circe,

You are right, I think she''s gotten the message. I realize I shounded harsh, and for that I ask forgiveness. And I won''t say anything else about Missy.

I guess my strong reaction stems from my own age and background. I''m 44 years old and my circle of women all wear less than 0.5 carats in their engagement rings. None of us have money in the family -- my dad was a simple carpenter and so was my X-father-in-law. All the women are stay-at-home moms. I don''t even know anyone in real life who upgraded their diamond. In fact, I''m the only only one to get divorced and buy more expensive jewelry -- but I have somehow become obsessed with diamonds and desire the smaller, high quality pieces. The thing is, I work now and have no one to support financially since the kids are grown, so I can afford what I buy AND I have the luxury to pick and choose what I want.

Anyway, I do hope Missy comes back and I''m truly sorry for getting so harsh with her. Her world is different than mine for sure.
 
Remember to stay on topic to the original question and not get off track with judgmental comments.
 
Ali and Missy, I do apologize and have the unfortunate ability to pass judgement. That was quite rude of me and I hope Missy is not scared away from PS because of me.
 
RxTech, you and I are in the same boat. I''m 44 too, and my first diamond was a .24 ct. round set into a yellow gold solitaire. It''s hard to read these posts that are along the lines of, "I''ve been engaged for 2 months and I think I have DSS. My 1.25 ct. doesn''t seem large enough now, and I am thinking I want more of a 2.7 ct. Any thoughts on this?" and not react negatively. There have been numerous posts I did not respond to just because the tone was so greedy and spoiled-rotten sounding.

I just got a 1 carat after 16 years of marriage, and it has been a lot of work paying it off along with the Tacori setting. I probably won''t ever own anything larger and that is OK with me. I can still drool over all the gorgeous rings in SMTR!

Missy26, I''m sure that you did not mean for your post to come across negatively. The PS community really is a good one. However, now you know that if you post personal things on here, you might not like the responses. I hope you get the ring you will really enjoy wearing and that you post photos.
 
NEE: It brings in so many other issues . . . outsized sense of entitlement to consumer items which traditionally come as a result of years of work and success, "competing" with other girls, etc. I am also in my 40s (late 40s) and raised my eyebrows at the original post. I have quite a few jewelry pieces that I have obtained since I first discovered this site (which awakened a long latent jewelry love) but I ahve bought every single one myself with my own earnings since my husband doesn''t share my "passion" lol.

I also find this current trend of girls in their 20s with ultra expensive rings puzzling and also wonder what their boyfriends do to be able to afford such extravagances. In some cases I suppose the guys are much older but still, it''s puzzling.
 
I actually think most diamonds over about 2.5 - 3 ct. look like costume jewelry anyway and I doubt many people believe they are real when they see them. Given that competition with others seems to be a prime motivation with many of these purchases, it doesn''t really seem to be money well spent.
 
Missy,

This thread infuriates me. I don''t even have words.. Lucky for you, your future MIL is also into status symbols being that "no future daughter in-law will have a chip on her finger". what is a chip missy?? 1 ct. ugh! unreal.
 
Date: 7/13/2008 12:38:42 PM
Author: missy26
Thanks Lorelei! I certainly don''t want to appear greedy, but as someone with a cursory knowledge of diamonds and a real love of them I''m nervous about them picking the diamond w/o me! It is certainly so generous of them to do this at all and thoughtful to ask me what I want. His mom keep saying ''no daughter-in-law of mine will be getting a little chip!'' and I think your plan of saying that I don''t need a ''perfect'' diamond as a way to indicate size preference over color/clarity preference may work. It''s true though that every cushion can look so different. I already feel awkward about giving them general parameters but what about emailing pictures of stones I like? I just don''t want to be forward or appear ungrateful/greedy etc....if I were going in-person with my bf this would be so much easier.

Not that it matters but sister-in-law weighs 100lbs and wears a size 3 ring so her E-Ring looks *huge* on her. Most of my girlfriends who are engaged have at minimum 2.5 carats (with some girls topping out at 4.5!!! -- too big for me)...so I am size concious.
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Sorry to say, missy, but this sounds more like a competition than anything else.... a competition to keep up with the size of other girls'' rings. I think it''s sad that the size of your friends'' rings this partially determines the size of ring you want.... You shouldn''t ask your In-Laws to put out more money than they need to just so that you can keep up with the Joneses''.
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Date: 7/17/2008 1:20:34 PM
Author: Sha

Date: 7/13/2008 12:38:42 PM
Author: missy26
Thanks Lorelei! I certainly don''t want to appear greedy, but as someone with a cursory knowledge of diamonds and a real love of them I''m nervous about them picking the diamond w/o me! It is certainly so generous of them to do this at all and thoughtful to ask me what I want. His mom keep saying ''no daughter-in-law of mine will be getting a little chip!'' and I think your plan of saying that I don''t need a ''perfect'' diamond as a way to indicate size preference over color/clarity preference may work. It''s true though that every cushion can look so different. I already feel awkward about giving them general parameters but what about emailing pictures of stones I like? I just don''t want to be forward or appear ungrateful/greedy etc....if I were going in-person with my bf this would be so much easier.

Not that it matters but sister-in-law weighs 100lbs and wears a size 3 ring so her E-Ring looks *huge* on her. Most of my girlfriends who are engaged have at minimum 2.5 carats (with some girls topping out at 4.5!!! -- too big for me)...so I am size concious.
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Sorry to say, missy, but this sounds more like a competition than anything else.... a competition to keep up with the size of other girls'' rings. I think it''s sad that the size of your friends'' rings this partially determines the size of ring you want.... You shouldn''t ask your In-Laws to put out more money than they need to just so that you can keep up with the Joneses''.
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A-FRIGON-MEN!
 
The tone on Pricescope the last month has gotten completely out-of-control. Women are being bashed on LIW for relationships that no one knows anything about, for trying to communicate their preferences to their in-laws, etc.


Missy, I am so deeply sorry that this has happened. Please don''t take these posters'' comments as indicative of the population as a whole. I think it was Bliss who said something about a ''Teflon Brain'' Just let the negative comments roll off!!

That being said. Congratulations on your upcoming engagement! May you wear your ring through much health & happiness!!


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