I''m new to posting, but not new here. I really need some help from those who''ve been through rocky times or through counseling (or are counselers). My marriage is in a rocky spot and for the first time I''m scared. First here is the background--I''ll make it quick:
-married 2 years
-one small child (one year old)
-both DH and I are in our late 30''s (not naive) and dated 4 years before marriage
-both of us are more reserved types (introverts, but still sociable).
-our courtship was one borne of friendship rather than instant attraction/desire
Basically, things have been challenging in our relationship because of external stuff, and it really has forced us to face the flaws in our marriage. In a solid and healthy relationshp--challenges allow you to draw on each other to deal with everything, but we''ve had the opposite. The external stuff that has presented challenges/stresses on us include the new baby, house repairs needed, declining economy and two of us working full time. DH and I have slowly grown apart. I have raised this a few times with him and said we have to try to connect on a daily basis, or at least a weekend here and there. He doesn''t HEAR what I''m saying though and thinks I''m casting blame.
Now we''ve come to the point where there is no affection, no kisses hello and goodbye, no tender words, not even checking in when we are apart (I to go my mom''s now and then). I''ve tried to roll with things because we have alot of day to day challenges and don''t want to make things worse by having arguments or talking things out forever. Plus we never have time!
It came to a head this week because I finally felt so alone that I sent an email (yes, an email). I told him I needed more support and that I was struggling. I told him I knew he had a lot on his plate and was trying but that I often feel very alone. I said that I dont'' feel close anymore and am losing that sense of what is going on with him (that couples usually share). I ask that he give it some thought and let me know when we could talk to try to work through these issues constructively.
He wrote back (we are at work all day, don''t see each other some nights due to hours and baby) and totally missed the point. He wrote back that he is doing the best he can and that he wants to avoid talks until things are less hostile, because right now he is resenting me for pushing us into this situation. He is saying by having the baby when I did, I made things bad for him which is making him resent me. I was so taken aback and frankly angry when I read that. First, he missed the whole point of my email. Secondly, I didn''t trap this guy like some clueless high schooler. We DISCUSSED kids and I included him on every step of the process (stopping the pill, TTC process). He always went along. I verbally asked him over and over if he was ok with things. Thirdly, I have been the sole caregiver of our child so far and also taken care of the finances since I always had a feeling he''d blame me for making his life less carefree by "pushing him to do the marriage and kid thing". I thought it was me being paranoid, but apparently not. This man is in his late 30''s for crying out loud.
I''m stuck and don''t know what to do. I wonder if we are not compatible and made a mistake. I wonder if our personalities bring out the worse in each other. Neither of us seems capable of breaking the pattern or showing the other tenderness. He is not listening and we are not communicating. He is not capable of affection or making me feel safe. I am not innocent either...I am not affectionate to him and have pulled away significantly. To me, I did that out of self-protection. And to me, the man is the one who needs to step up and check in on us..I have the baby in all my free time for crying out loud.
I know most of you will say counseling, but it is not the magic pill. I am reading some books now and couseling is likely a next step, but there is SO little time. I feel lost and scared, and trapped. This isn''t how it''s supposed to be and we are in a viscious cycle (of blaming the other which leads to worse behaviour) which seems to be gaining strength.