How did your relationship fare after having children?

[TravelingGal]

So moms, I was thinking...we talk a lot about our kids after they are born, but what the books don''t tell you is that your relationship is in for a pretty big change too. I thought we could share our honest day to day struggles and triumphs with our relationship as to encourage other new moms that they are not alone in going through change.

I thought of this because not long ago, I caught up with a friend of mine I haven''t seen in awhile. She is an aussie living here (I met her through TGuy''s greencard lottery process as she was also a winner) had the most *perfect* relationship with her husband. She was the type to make you gag (in a good way) because she''d call him her prince charming in front of everyone! And they were truly a happy, lovely couple. I caught up with her recently to meet her daughter for the first time (and she, Amelia), and I noticed she was a bit snarky when making comments about her husband. I finally ventured to ask how she and her hubby were doing and she said having a baby "drastically" changed their relationship. They fight all the time, pretty much only about their daughter. I think it''s because she is the type to really research everything...I have no doubt she is an excellent mother. In fact, SHE has no doubt she is an excellent mother and pretty much dictates how things must be done, hence the troubles when her husband has his own ideas. She said, rather wistfully with a tinge of bitterness - they don''t tell you in books that your relationship is about to stand its biggest test and everything changes.

What''s been your experience? How have you navigated the waters of your relationship now that there''s another crew member on board?

 

[puffy]

to be honest, i was ready to kill DH the first month or so because i was just too tired as was he. every little comment he made, i snapped. every time he tried to help, i told him he was doing it wrong. things had to be done my way. i avoided him just so that i wouldn''t take things out on him. he tried to help, he really did, but i just didn''t "like" the way he was doing things. i felt that i was being the prefect mom and he was just getting in my way. i wanted to do everything myself just so that i could hold it against him that he didn''t help out. that was the first month. and it was a LONG month.
but after that, when i started to allow other people to help, things were so much better. we talked all the time. he did little things to show that he still cared about me, which i guess to me at that point was important. he would tell me that i was a great mother every day. and when we started to get into a routine with the little guy, we were able to have dinner together, cook together, watch movies, etc. the thing that i missed most was just regular "couples" things, and once we got that back we were fine.
but obviously, my first and most important priority is our son, and when DH and i talk now, 80% of the time, it is about our son.
yes the relationship changed drastically in the beginning, but i think, or at least i would like to think, that we are ALMOST back to normal. i don''t think that we will ever be back to what we were before we were parents, but that is ok with me. i like the way things are now.

 

[Miranda]

Having kids is tough on a relationship. There''s no doubt about that! Now that I think of it, after each of the kids were born it was complete bliss for months. Having babies is like a love drug for us. I''m really surprised we don''t have more than three! We were so enamoured with each other and the pure piece of perfection we had created. Then the exhaustion set in!!! And the crankies! More on my part than his...That could be a personality difference, though. He is verrrry even keeled. Me? Not so much!

I remember it being more pronounced when the boys were little. They were 20 months apart so that meant two in diapers, two needing to be held alot, two needing to be fed, etc. He was working full time and going to school 3 evenings a week. We were both so tired by the end of the day and it became harder and harder to spend time together. In our relationship it seems that when we do not spend enough time together we grow cross with each other. Such was the case. It took a few years to grow out of it. Also, I am very much like your friend. I am confident in my parenting ability and the decisions I make. I have really had to work hard to not alienate him with what he calls my, "Me do it meself" attitude (''me do it meself'' is what a very independent neighbor boy used to say when someone tried to help him with ANYTHING - hubby thought it was applicable). He usually defers to my judgement because he knows I research and make informed decisions. Taking care of my kids is my job. It''s a job I''m very serious about. I don''t mean to paint him as an absent parent, he''s just not reading countless parenting books and hitting the internet about stubbed toes the way I do!

When #3 arrived it was 9 years after #1 was born. DH was working hard to climb the corporate ladder. In his industry there is a whole lot to learn and that takes long hours. He was often at work until 8. Pair that with two boys active in sports, busy with school and a newborn and once again you have a tired mama! I wouldn''t say we had marital problems, just a difficult time connecting. Now that the kids are 14, 12 and 5 things have really settled down. The kids are busy, make no mistake, but, I don''t feel bone tired like before. We have learned to take time for each other and make our marriage a top priority. I really have to watch what I say and how I make him feel. I know I have a sharp tongue and he can be sensitive and take things the wrong way.

I do feel so sorry for your friend. Everyone I know has had a hard time after kids came along. Then again, even friends who never had kids had a hard time along the road at some time. All relationships evolve. Recognizing the problems and addressing them is the important part. The kid is never the problem. The changing of communication patterns is.

I would recommend this book The Five Love Languages for all couples. It is a religious book (not overly so), but, the theories and message outstanding no matter what you believe.

How have we navigated the waters with the additions of our crew members? With work work work. Having a good marriage is constant work. Hopefully not a dreaded chore, though!

Just a constant effort to make your partner feel loved, respected, and admired.

 

[mrssalvo]

well, my hubby came with 2 of his kids so I''ve always known him as a daddy and what his parenting style/skills were. I really think how the relationship goes depends a lot on the personalities of the people involved. My husband is pretty laid back in all area''s of his life. Not lazy, just very even tempered. I am more inclined to freak out about stuff or worry etc. he calms me down and keeps me sane, although for the most part I''m a pretty even tempered person too. We also make it a point to go out on dates without the kids or even just meet somewhere for coffee in the mornings while the kids are at school. For me, the adjustment of the first year of marriage was way more difficult than the adjustment of us having our own baby who didn''t come along until we''d be married 2 years.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Good idea for a thread, TGal. I know I have benefitted a lot from watching 4 of my closest friends have kids and adjust to that new life, I'm curious to see what others' experiences have been. So far, seems like the "adjustment period" is pretty universal!

 

[janinegirly]

Great thread TGal, and this is a topic I think of a lot. Especially since DH and I were married only 1 year (to the day) by the time our daughter arrived--so we still weren''t fully used to life as a married couple without a baby, or expecting one. I just really don''t want to be one of those cliche married couples who have a sex-less marriage, and stressed out with kids and the butt and wrinkles to show for it!

Anyway, even though DD is only 2 mo''s , I see changes in our relationship and it does worry me. I know it takes work, but it also takes 2! We don''t have arguments like your friend does (about child rearing) and infact now all we talk about is Chloe and she seems to bond us. BUT, there is no alone time or quality time and it makes us disconnected sometimes. I talked to DH, but he thinks I''m exaggerating and that we''re busy with new house (closing in 2 wks), baby, being unsettled...and "quality time" is just not on top of the list. BUT isn''t that how the downward spiral starts?? I feel quality time, date nights are crucial to keeping our foundation sound so everything else can flow in the correct order. Anyway, I''m struggling with how to make this all work now--and it''s hard when I''m also adjusting to motherhood, returning to work (2 hr commutes!) in a month and not have DH pull his weight in prioritizing "us", so I don''t have the answers--looking forward to hearing what others have to say.

How about you, TGAL. After 8 months, what''s your experience?

 

[TravelingGal]

My experience? Well…

The surprise of the year is that TGuy and I have NOT come close to killing each other over Amelia yet! I’ve wondered why I haven''t killed TGuy yet. We argued a lot before we had her and before we got married. Things sort of settled down. I will fully say that it''s not a 50/50 split when it comes to taking care of Amelia. I work from home and while I have help, I take care of her way more. I can count on 3 fingers how many time he has given her a bath and put her to bed in the last 8 months. And 2 of out the 3 times was because I was on a business trip and the other time was because I threw out my back lifting her and asked him to give her a bath.

Early on, meaning right after she was born, he did his best. He changed ALL the meconium diapers and fed her with the special feeding instrument we had because I was still trying to get my milk going. But that fizzled out within the first few weeks. But I''m not shy about asking for help and now we have a pact where one day in the weekend, he gets up with her and watches her all day, and I take the other day. I love it! Yes, I had to ask, but he is really good about it. No matter how late he stays up the night before, he is on duty at 7 am the next day. And of course, now that he''s been doing it and she''s older, he is loving it. For the first time this past week, he VOLUNTEERED to get up with her on Thanksgiving holiday. I nearly fell over.

I think that''s why it has been working between us. I don''t expect him to be equal in contributing in her care. And I don''t mind it because #1) I got the system down pat and I LIKE doing it and #2) When he does do it, HOW he does it may not be to my liking. Which brings me to my next point - I think it also has worked out well because when he DOES do things, I just leave the room. I know that whatever he does differently won''t kill her and I know if I hover, it will make him feel uncomfortable and he won''t want to do it if he feels like he is being watched and criticized. Likewise, he fully knows I am good at taking care of her and defers to me on a lot of her caretaking. He never tells me how I should do things, which helps because if he did, I''d be like, "What? Are you kidding me?"
What also really helped is that we discussed a lot before she was born about parenting styles and found we were on the same page. Since I do think TGuy tends to be more talk than action, I had a "we’ll see" attitude about it. To my surprise, he really stuck by it and supported me in what I thought might work best. We both feel strongly about schedules, especially bedtimes. While our friends are out and about late, we pack up and get home by 6 pm, or don’t go out at all if it means she is going to get to bed late. I thought this would be hard for him as he LOVES hanging out with our friends, but he sees the awesome benefit of having her on a schedule and how it makes our day to day life very manageable. He doesn’t want to wreck a good thing so he makes sacrifices along with me. It also helps that my mom will volunteer to watch so we can hang out with our friends without her.

Speaking of, we also have date night on Thursday nights when my mom watches her, so that really helps. We have a great time on date nights, talk, hold hands, have wine and just feel carefree again. Without date nights, there probably would be a lot more bitterness on my part. Weekends are for us to each do our own thing and to unwind. He is awesome at encouraging me to go out with the girls and has no problem staying home at nights to watch her. Of course, part of the reason he doesn’t mind is that I worked really hard to make sure she’s down by 6 pm, so it’s not that tough to kick back with the monitor and watch sports, yanno? Hehehe. So amazingly, things are decent here between the two of us, but I am waiting for the shoe to drop because I know when she starts talking and playing us against each other is when the trouble may begin. I wish they would stay small forever.
Sex? Yes, that’s pretty much become non-existent. We both want to, but we actually just enjoy unwinding and talking. It hasn’t bothered me as much as I thought it would, and I know it will pick up to be more at some point. The weight gain has been an issue for both of us…and when I say both of us, I mean BOTH of us gained a fair bit of weight. I think TGuy doesn’t feel as attractive as he used to, and I certainly don’t, so I imagine that weighs (no pun intended) on both of us.

Parenting is a tough thing. I feel I have an easy baby but it is still, without a doubt, the most difficult thing I have ever done. Some days I feel like it''s that movie "Groundhog day" - same thing over and over with no end in sight. But most times, I do feel extremely blessed and lucky - in all aspects.

That''s my honest 2 cents...

 

[pavelover]

Wow Tgal, thanks so much for starting this thread- I am 35 weeks now and similar to Janinegirly, have only been married a smidge over a year by the time the baby comes in January.
This topic comes up in my mind as we are still adjusting to life as a married couple and I know more changes are on their way. I am amazed that we have grown alot in a year and I feel really lucky to have married the man that I did(most of the time, anyway, haha).
I planned a "babymoon" in the city this past weekend and it worked out really well. We got to hang out all weekend together, with no other distractions and I was so happy that it turned out the way it did. I knew my dh was going along with it to please me(and for our anniversary) but I really believe by the end he was happy too. I felt very connected to him and just reassured that we will be ok.
That being said, I am worried that keeping part of the focus on our relationship after the baby comes is going to be hard. And also I worry that I will be a total beyotch regarding how he does things with/for the baby. Tgal I think you gave good advice on how you leave the room. I think that is going to be my goal- just keep my mouth shut and know that the baby is not going to be fatally harmed if he doesn''t change him/burp him/feed him the way I think it should be done. I did orignally suggest a parenting care class for both of us so that I wouldn''t be able to act like I knew more than him, but we didn''t get around to it yet. The little guy will be in the hosptial for a few weeks so I figured he can get on the job training with a nurse nearby and then see how it''s done by someone else other than me.
Well thanks again for starting this thread. I can''t wait to see more experiences.

 

[Allison D.]

I''m not a mother myself, but I''d say that I''ve noticed something pretty consistent with mens'' reactions to new babies.

Most men aren''t as comfortable with *babies*; some are, but most feel a bit like a fish out of water. They just don''t have any idea what to do with them, and they feel clumsy when babies are new and fragile.

I think this contributes heavily to the mom feeling like she''s in it alone during those initial months, and it surely can put a stress on the most solid of relationships. It''s amazing to me how many men become MARKEDLY more comfortable when the babies are less fragile (can hold their own heads up, for instance) and begin actually developing a bit of an *interactive* personality.

With that comfort seems to come much more relief for the moms, who finally feel they aren''t the only ones taking an active parenting role.

My friend and her husband have four children; it''s been like that with each one of them. He doesn''t have much to do with them initially (or so it seems), but he certainly seems more comfortable and involved when they are old enough to interact with him. I notice this in my husband, too; he was terribly awkward and unenthusiastic about our niece when she was a baby, but he''s been hopeless hooked on her since she was about a year old and likewise, he''s her favorite person (outside of parents).

When they are reeeeeeeeeeally young, the thing they need most is nurture, and nurture doesn''t come naturally to most men. LOL

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/1/2008 11:40:36 PM
Author: Allison D.
I''m not a mother myself, but I''d say that I''ve noticed something pretty consistent with mens'' reactions to new babies.

Most men aren''t as comfortable with *babies*; some are, but most feel a bit like a fish out of water. They just don''t have any idea what to do with them, and they feel clumsy when babies are new and fragile.

I think this contributes heavily to the mom feeling like she''s in it alone during those initial months, and it surely can put a stress on the most solid of relationships. It''s amazing to me how many men become MARKEDLY more comfortable when the babies are less fragile (can hold their own heads up, for instance) and begin actually developing a bit of an *interactive* personality.

With that comfort seems to come much more relief for the moms, who finally feel they aren''t the only ones taking an active parenting role.

My friend and her husband have four children; it''s been like that with each one of them. He doesn''t have much to do with them initially (or so it seems), but he certainly seems more comfortable and involved when they are old enough to interact with him. I notice this in my husband, too; he was terribly awkward and unenthusiastic about our niece when she was a baby, but he''s been hopeless hooked on her since she was about a year old and likewise, he''s her favorite person (outside of parents).

When they are reeeeeeeeeeally young, the thing they need most is nurture, and nurture doesn''t come naturally to most men. LOL

Alj, pretty insightful for not being a mom.

This is very true. Some men do adore being a dad right off the bat. Plenty don''t. I remember when Amelia was about 6 weeks old, TGuy and I sat on the couch and he seemed sad and told me he couldn''t quite put in words how he felt. He did manage to get out that he felt Amelia was just a blob and he while he loved her, he didn''t really feel much for her yet and it could take months. I laughed and told him I had a 40 week jump start on him and was JUST getting t like her so not to worry.

But honestly, it did concern me that he didn''t have the same wonder in his eyes when she learned to fix her gaze on him or when her head was just a bit steadier. I spent a lot of time flattering him saying she smiled only when she saw him, blah blah blah.

I didn''t have to worry. First of all, I didn''t end up lying because she does adore him. And that totally affects him. By the 3-4 month mark, he was way more obviously into her. As you said Alj, it was right at the time she became more "throwable" and interactive. Now he just thinks she''s so cool and enjoys their time together as it is apparent that she knows who he is. He even seems to get perverse pleasure when she cries in someone else''s arms and settles right back down when he takes her into his arms again.

Men!

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 12/1/2008 11:49:53 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/1/2008 11:40:36 PM
Author: Allison D.
I'm not a mother myself, but I'd say that I've noticed something pretty consistent with mens' reactions to new babies.

Most men aren't as comfortable with *babies*; some are, but most feel a bit like a fish out of water. They just don't have any idea what to do with them, and they feel clumsy when babies are new and fragile.

I think this contributes heavily to the mom feeling like she's in it alone during those initial months, and it surely can put a stress on the most solid of relationships. It's amazing to me how many men become MARKEDLY more comfortable when the babies are less fragile (can hold their own heads up, for instance) and begin actually developing a bit of an *interactive* personality.

With that comfort seems to come much more relief for the moms, who finally feel they aren't the only ones taking an active parenting role.

My friend and her husband have four children; it's been like that with each one of them. He doesn't have much to do with them initially (or so it seems), but he certainly seems more comfortable and involved when they are old enough to interact with him. I notice this in my husband, too; he was terribly awkward and unenthusiastic about our niece when she was a baby, but he's been hopeless hooked on her since she was about a year old and likewise, he's her favorite person (outside of parents).

When they are reeeeeeeeeeally young, the thing they need most is nurture, and nurture doesn't come naturally to most men. LOL

Alj, pretty insightful for not being a mom.

This is very true. Some men do adore being a dad right off the bat. Plenty don't. I remember when Amelia was about 6 weeks old, TGuy and I sat on the couch and he seemed sad and told me he couldn't quite put in words how he felt. He did manage to get out that he felt Amelia was just a blob and he while he loved her, he didn't really feel much for her yet and it could take months. I laughed and told him I had a 40 week jump start on him and was JUST getting t like her so not to worry.

But honestly, it did concern me that he didn't have the same wonder in his eyes when she learned to fix her gaze on him or when her head was just a bit steadier. I spent a lot of time flattering him saying she smiled only when she saw him, blah blah blah.

I didn't have to worry. First of all, I didn't end up lying because she does adore him. And that totally affects him. By the 3-4 month mark, he was way more obviously into her. As you said Alj, it was right at the time she became more 'throwable' and interactive. Now he just thinks she's so cool and enjoys their time together as it is apparent that she knows who he is. He even seems to get perverse pleasure when she cries in someone else's arms and settles right back down when he takes her into his arms again.

Men!

Heh - thanks, Tgal. It's hard not to pick up a few things when you kick around long enough (spoken from the mid-40s club!).

I really believe that first year is awfully hard on a relationship, and both sides feel frustration. Moms are frustrated that they don't get more help from the dads; dads are frustrated that they feel as though they don't know how to help. The frustrations with the situations can spill into becoming frustrated with each other, and that can certainly squelch any thought of amorous intentions (LOL). It's hard to stay connected when both parties are dead-dog tired and feeling as though they're killing themselves just to survive the chaos that is a new child.

From what I've seen, though, couples who are in it for the long haul come through the experience even closer than ever once they are past that initial storm. It's a very trying time to endure and survive together, but the sense of accomplishment that comes from doing so seems to bring a newfound 'we're in this together and we *can* do it' sense of things. I'm sure the hardest thing must be keeping an open mind when you're in the midst of it and finding the presence of mind not to let frustrations with each other build to the point that it changes how you respect each other.

I think it's incredibly smart to recognize that your styles don't have to match all the time and not making each other feel inept because "I do it THIS way."

TGal, I told you a long time ago I KNEW you were going to be amazing at this, and I'm more firmly convince than ever. Amelia is a very lucky little girl.

(as are all of the PS babies....we have a very levelheaded bunch here!)

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/2/2008 12:12:26 AM
Author: Allison D.


Heh - thanks, Tgal. It''s hard not to pick up a few things when you kick around long enough (spoken from the mid-40s club!).

I really believe that first year is awfully hard on a relationship, and both sides feel frustration. Moms are frustrated that they don''t get more help from the dads; dads are frustrated that they feel as though they don''t know how to help. The frustrations with the situations can spill into becoming frustrated with each other, and that can certainly squelch any thought of amorous intentions (LOL). It''s hard to stay connected when both parties are dead-dog tired and feeling as though they''re killing themselves just to survive the chaos that is a new child.

From what I''ve seen, though, couples who are in it for the long haul come through the experience even closer than ever once they are past that initial storm. It''s a very trying time to endure and survive together, but the sense of accomplishment that comes from doing so seems to bring a newfound ''we''re in this together and we *can* do it'' sense of things. I''m sure the hardest thing must be keeping an open mind when you''re in the midst of it and finding the presence of mind not to let frustrations with each other build to the point that it changes how you respect each other.

I think it''s incredibly smart to recognize that your styles don''t have to match all the time and not making each other feel inept because ''I do it THIS way.''

TGal, I told you a long time ago I KNEW you were going to be amazing at this, and I''m more firmly convince than ever. Amelia is a very lucky little girl.

(as are all of the PS babies....we have a very levelheaded bunch here!)

Hey, I firmly believe you can learn a lot from other people! It helped me get a jump start for sure. But it did amaze me that there was so much I could have never imagined as well.

Yes, I remember when you told me that. I was preggo, scared and unsure and it went a long way to make me feel strong and encouraged, so thank you. You and Mara were a wonderful blessing to our family and I was truly humbled when I received your gift for Amelia. You are very thoughtful.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 12/2/2008 12:17:46 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Hey, I firmly believe you can learn a lot from other people! It helped me get a jump start for sure. But it did amaze me that there was so much I could have never imagined as well.

Yes, I remember when you told me that. I was preggo, scared and unsure and it went a long way to make me feel strong and encouraged, so thank you. You and Mara were a wonderful blessing to our family and I was truly humbled when I received your gift for Amelia. You are very thoughtful.

Awwwwww, it''s my pleasure. Just keep those pics of that cute little one coming. She really is much more photogenic than you think!

 

[softly softly]

Very interesting topic.

From my perspective I have been pleasantly surprised at how positively having children has impacted on my relationship with my husband. In fact I would go so far as to say it has definitely changed it for the better.

Before we had kids my husband had a job that not only required him to be away from home 9 days out of every 14, it also meant we had to live on the opposite side of the country from my family and most of my friends. We did that for 3 years and I found that the only way to cope was to get my own set of friends and keep myself as busy as possible while he was gone. Looking back I can see that I was essentially creating a completely separate life for myself and this often led to a certain amount of resentment on both sides. Also, before we had kids My husband was very focused on his career (this is still true to an extent) and he would sometimes find it hard to also be a supportive husband if the two roles clashed. I think it was more the result of the guilt he felt at leaving me alone so regularly than a lack of desire to be supportive.

When our son was born I think we both underwent a fairly major attitude shift. Despite exhaustion and stress that goes with coping with a newborn, for the first time we had a common goal other than just wanting to be together and we found that it really bonded us. We stopped arguing about stupid things (which is not to say we stopped arguing completely)and I started to feel that home life was now as important as work was to my husband. In fact, he found being away from us so hard that it motivated him to seek out another job that allowed him to be home every night and that also meant we moved back to family which gave us the extra support we felt we needed and also has allowed us to spend more time alone together than we otherwise would have.

I think what helped was that I understood and accepted from the start that I was going to be the primary care-giver, at first by necessity because he was away so much and I was breastfeeding and later because I was the one who had elected to stay home full-time. I don''t want to suggest that this is the only way things can work, but it really helped eliminate a lot of resentment and it also meant my husband was very eager to help out with our son whenever he had the chance.

Now we are the parents of two toddlers I see my husband as my main ally. We''re in this together and we support when things are challenging. I also helps that he is immensely appreciative of how difficult it can sometimes be to stay at home them rather than working outside the home.

Before I had even thought of getting pregnant I happened to read ''Misconceptions'' by Naomi Wolf and I was struck by the passive-aggressive dynamic she described developing between couples once they became parents. The women she spoke to were all angry and resentful of their husbands because they felt they were expected to carry the majority of the burden of caring for their babies. They resented having to ask their husbands to help them and they were very disparaging of their efforts when they did help. This made very little sense to me. I personally don''t see the problem with asking my husband to help, and I see very little point in criticizing his efforts when he does help.

 

[pennquaker09]

Our relationship has pretty much stayed the same as before Savannah and Grey were born. We are pretty much on the same page about the kids, our disagreements come in other places and they tend to be minor.

Even though Nate is a pediatrician, he''s always practiced in a hospital setting. He''s never had a personal practice outside of the hospital, so before he did the cardiology fellowship, he was use to treating kids and babies for all different kinds of things. So, when we brought the twins home, we both figured everything out together. The feeding the schedule and everything was something that we went through together. People always think that because he''s a ped that he knows all of the answers and, but he doesn''t. The twins have a doctor that they see.

When I feel like something is wrong, I am the one that runs and checks the symptoms on the internet, but he''ll usually know what is wrong and we go from there. I just like to find out things for myself.

The thing that probably takes the most toll is his job. Pediatric cardiology has better hours than a lot of the medical specialties, but Nate is at the hospital a lot more than he is home. When the twins were first born, we were both tired because he was working 80 hours at the hospital and then coming home to relieve me so I could get sleep and take a shower or get groceries, etc. I had it in my head that the two of us would be able to do everything by ourselves. Even though we made the decision together to have a baby, I was the only the REALLY wanted this, so I feel like it''s my job to make sure they are taken care of. He wanted kids too, but he did want to wait a little bit longer. I was impatient.

In the end, I relented and decided that for the sake of our relationship, that we needed a little bit of help. It was only of the best things that I could have done. It gives me the ability to cleans and run and errands and what not.

We also make sure to have a date night. It''s something that we''ve always done because he does work a lot, but now our time alone is so much more important. I guess it keeps us sane.

Also, from time to time, when I''m in the city, I will meet him for lunch.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 12/1/2008 11:40:36 PM
Author: Allison D.
I''m not a mother myself, but I''d say that I''ve noticed something pretty consistent with mens'' reactions to new babies.

Most men aren''t as comfortable with *babies*; some are, but most feel a bit like a fish out of water. They just don''t have any idea what to do with them, and they feel clumsy when babies are new and fragile.

I think this contributes heavily to the mom feeling like she''s in it alone during those initial months, and it surely can put a stress on the most solid of relationships. It''s amazing to me how many men become MARKEDLY more comfortable when the babies are less fragile (can hold their own heads up, for instance) and begin actually developing a bit of an *interactive* personality.

With that comfort seems to come much more relief for the moms, who finally feel they aren''t the only ones taking an active parenting role.

My friend and her husband have four children; it''s been like that with each one of them. He doesn''t have much to do with them initially (or so it seems), but he certainly seems more comfortable and involved when they are old enough to interact with him. I notice this in my husband, too; he was terribly awkward and unenthusiastic about our niece when she was a baby, but he''s been hopeless hooked on her since she was about a year old and likewise, he''s her favorite person (outside of parents).

When they are reeeeeeeeeeally young, the thing they need most is nurture, and nurture doesn''t come naturally to most men. LOL

Totally accurate in our case, except you just described me!!! DH adores babies and knew exactly what to do. I was terrified. I bonded with Ameila straight away, but I just wasn''t very confident I could actually look after her. I''m very glad I was able to breastfeed, because that''s what gave me confidence over time and was the one thing only I could do. Now we care for her 50/50, except that I cannot function before 9am, so DH looks after Amelia first thing. He has flexible working hours, a part time contract and home working though. I have no idea how I would have coped alone. I have new respect for lone parents, that''s for sure.

Being parents together has been like Miranda said - love drug! I appreciate DH way more than I used to, his energy, his enthusiasm and his capacity to love and care for me and our daughter are immense. He has revealed hidden depths since I because pregnant. That said, we don''t have childcare nearby, and while Amelia is BFing, I don''t care to leave her with anyone else anyway, so we haven''t had time alone together since before she was born. So far, neither of us really misses it, but I think we will need some date time sooner or later. Once Amelia goes to sleep in the evening we have e a few hours together. We tend to cook together and have dinner at home rather than go out, but that''s ok for now. We do the bath & bedtime ritual together too, which is quite nice.

I can happily look after Amelia by myself and so can DH, but we are all three of us much happier when we are together. I''m really looking forward to baby #2 now!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Thanks for posting this T-gal. For those of us who are not moms yet, but are figuring out the TTC timeline, this is definitely a big factor. It''s great to have some insight into how having a baby has affected your relationships, especially in those first stressful months.

 

[vespergirl]

When I became pregnant (unplanned), we had been living together for about a year and talking marriage but we were not engaged yet. I was nervous when I found out I was pregnant, but my husband was ecstatic, and proposed right away. He said that even though he was planning on proposing over the next year or so, he felt that the pregnancy was a sign from fate that we were meant to be together and have children together.

He has been a wonderful husband and father. Since we went from living-together to parenting-together (we were only married for 6 months before the baby was born, and I was pregnant for the entire time) I can''t tel you what our dynamic would have been like if we were married w/o kids and if it changed, but we get along great and see our son as a source of joy, not stress.

We definitely don''t get to go out as much or travel as much as we used to, but we still have fun staying in - I love to cook dinner for us, he makes drinks, and we still spend a lot of quality time together on weekends and after our son is asleep. We do have less sex now, but I think part of that is fatigue & stress on his part, and boredom on my part, that I''ve experienced with every long-term relationship, and not necessarily because of the baby (I usually get bored with the sex about a year in all of the relationships I''ve been in - nothing against the guy, it''s just hard to keep it fresh, I guess). Still, we have sex usually 1-2 times per week, so I guess that''s not terrible for a married couple - we''ve been together 4 years total and married 2 of those years.

Overall, I think that in our case, having a child strengthened the relationship - he brings so much joy to our lives, that we are both happier people now that we have a baby, and he is our shared purpose.

 

[Burk]

Great topic, Tgal! My girlfriends and I have decided that we're full-time parents and our husbands are part-time!

I have to admit, some times I feel full-time plus overtime, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I was the little girl who had dolls until she was 13 and I babysat all the kids in my neighborhood. I always knew I wanted to have kids. I am also a researcher and I am confident in my parenting. DH thinks I'm a great mom and trusts me to make most of the decisions. Like others have said, I have to ask for help most of the time, but DH never has a problem helping out. He is absolutely in love with our daughter.

We don't do date night as often as we should but DD goes to bed early so we spend time talking, watching a movie or having dinner and a couple drinks.

 

[mrssalvo]

alj- very true about most men being nervous around newborns. my hubby actually always seemed comfortable with babies and he should after 5 of them but when my sister had her baby who is 6 weeks younger than Jake weeks and weeks went by and my hubby never held her. when he finally did, she was around 3-4 months old and I asked him privately why he never seemed to want to hold her. he said he does not feel at all comfortable holding other peoples babies. it surprised me coming from a man who''s had 5.

I also think b/c the mom usually is the one to feed the baby (especially if you are nursing) that it''s just easier for mom to bond. It isn''t until the babies can really start to interact that the dad''s start to feel more of the relationship connection with their kids.

 

[Rhea]

I haven''t finished the thread yet, but I just wanted to say thank you to t-gal for starting this topic. I often tell people who ask that the primary reason I don''t want children is because I like my relationship with my DH the way it is. Some people challenge me on my opinions, but I really think that having a kid means nothing is the same in the relationship, good or bad. It''s great to read along and see how others have dealt with the changes I fear.

 

[Jas12]

Tgal--I''ve been wanting to ask this Q on the mom thread for quite some time but it seems too intrusive and we don''t really go beyond a discussion of our kids'' day-to-day stuff so great idea starting a thread!

I want to take some time and read everyone''s response but this is my experience.

DH and i were totally in a foggy luv bubble for the first few weeks. He did anything and everything to help out and although those first days were SO hard i really felt connected to him--when i didn''t yet know how i felt about being a parent i was so happy to have my best friend with me to talk with without fear of judgement or unsolicited advice. The bubble burst when he was back at work i was utterly exhausted and the routine set it. I had a few days of bitterness when i thought "man, i get up 4 times a night, BF, stay home all day..." etc. etc. but this had more to do with just plain motherhood than with my husband. I tried not to get too bitchy with him and pay attention to the role fatigue plays in the early months. He gave me space and a backrub to avoid any blowups

Overall our relationship has grown stronger, we don''t fight over parenting (yet) and our son just kind of fit into our life close to the way i envisioned. I am lucky to have a husband who''s biggest joy in life is his family and that translates into wanting to do things like change diapers and fold laundry--praise god, b/c i hate it ! We work as a team and that makes for a happy house.

I will say that the hardest thing has been the lack of intimacy. For the 12 years we''ve been together we have always been very affectionate but now i spend my days kissing and hugging our child and i feel like i forget to do that with my husband. Sometimes the only reason I want him around is for the extra set of hands--and that is hands to help with house work, not to, *ahem*, get it on. Our sex life leaves lots to be desired and this bugs me sometimes, but i know to give it time and once the fatigue subsides that should help. I need to plan some dates--We went to a movie together, alone 4 months ago, but we have not been on a date since and that was the only date since Cohen''s birth. Pathetic i know.

Marriage seems like a bit more work now but also more purposeful. As corny as it sounds i feel like the love we have for one another is now *a child* --we created this little being and that is pretty darn cool.

 

[princesss]

Date: 12/2/2008 3:19:42 PM
Author: Jas12
Marriage seems like a bit more work now but also more purposeful. As corny as it sounds i feel like the love we have for one another is now *a child* --we created this little being and that is pretty darn cool.

Wow, Jas, that is an incredible description.

Also, ditto NEL.

 

[lili]

Date: 12/2/2008 3:56:59 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 12/2/2008 3:19:42 PM

Author: Jas12

Marriage seems like a bit more work now but also more purposeful. As corny as it sounds i feel like the love we have for one another is now *a child* --we created this little being and that is pretty darn cool.

Wow, Jas, that is an incredible description.


Also, ditto NEL.

Ditto.

 

[TravelingGal]

I do wonder if there is a difference with SAHM''s and working moms. I have a friend that is a stay at home mom and takes it very seriously as her job. The issue comes up that her job, of course, doesn''t end at 5 pm and she doesn''t get weekends off. Still, she is happy because she feels fortunate because it''s the only job she wants to do at this point.

Vs. working moms who are tired after a long day but then go into their *second* job. Is there potential for more bitterness there when the man doesn''t help out?

Jas, I hear ya on the intimacy thing. I told a mom friend of mine (more of a work colleague than a close friend) that with our travel schedules, TGuy and I once went six WEEKS without sex. She laughed and said, "Six weeks? Try six MONTHS." I was like -->

No way do I EVER want that to happen to me!

Now I can totally see that happening without any problems, and then some. Taking care of a baby is physical labor. While sex is very enjoyable, it also takes physical energy. TGuy and I both want to, but we''re so tired at the thought of it that we''d rather just sit, laugh, talk about current topics and have a glass of wine. So it''s not like there is no bonding, but it''s in the form of something more relaxing. And the kicker is neither of us mind it.

As I say this, I am sure lots of non-moms are thinking, uh, no thanks...I''ll keep our spicy relationship as is! And I don''t blame you. I''ll even say I envy you. I worry that when the kid gets older, even if we WANT to have sex, we''ll potentially have a kid who barges through doors, etc. When we buy a new house, we''ll put locks on our bedroom door!

I even understand to a degree why men cheat on their wives once kids are in the picture. Life becomes, in many ways mundane. As Jas says, our attention turns to cuddling and cooing over the kid and the hubby gets gipped a bit in that arena. So maybe they seek attention elsewhere. In our life, we are lucky that TGuy has about a dozen wonderful guy friends to hang out with - the wives joke that if any cheating happens, it will be our husbands with each other''s husbands! I encourage TGuy to get excitement by watching sports with them (his passion) and just hanging out.

All in all though, as cliche as it sounds, she is worth it. I do believe relationships evolve no matter if you have kids or not. It''s just when you have kids, it goes down a different path than if you did not.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 12/2/2008 3:19:42 PM
Author: Jas12

Marriage seems like a bit more work now but also more purposeful. As corny as it sounds i feel like the love we have for one another is now *a child* --we created this little being and that is pretty darn cool.

All the psychology research supports this observation... typically people report that their satisfaction/happiness in marriage declines after kids, but the sense of meaning and purpose increases a billion times over! Seems like a fair trade

 

[Aloros]

I don''t have any biological children, but my fiance and I raise his son (just turned eleven) together.

I think parenting makes us both a little more irritable in general. It introduces a lot of anxiety and worry into our relationship. I don''t worry much about FI at all, but with a child in the picture I am constantly thinking - is he safe? is he going to grow up ok? is he making friends? is he getting his homework done? A good deal of our conversations revolve around stepson-to-be and his upbringing.

We consciously have to avoid talking about him sometimes, just so we can focus more on our relationship. We try to take time to ourselves after he''s gone to bed, and sometimes a friend or one of his grandparents will watch him for a bit.

I''m sure it''s more work for those with younger children, but at stepson-to-be''s age, when he''s started picking up a bit of pre-teen attitude, we really stress out about the kind of person he will grow up to be. And it can be oh-so-frustrating at times. FI and I see eye-to-eye on parenting techniques, but I''ll admit there are times when we''ll just sit in our respective office chairs and say "What do we do? How should we handle this? Are we being too harsh/lenient?"

I think working together as parents has helped strengthen our relationship. Besides, it isn''t all sweat and tears.

Fortunately it hasn''t affected intimacy at all. His bedtime is before ours, and he is not allowed in our room without knocking!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 12/2/2008 5:02:47 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Vs. working moms who are tired after a long day but then go into their *second* job. Is there potential for more bitterness there when the man doesn't help out?

See, that's the bit that I struggle with. The idea that DH would be helping out. I have a feeling that if someone is helping you with something, there's a tacit agreement that thing is your actual responsibility. I don't want that, I don't want him to help me, he doesn't want me to help him. we want to be equal parents. If I felt like it was my responsibility, which my husband would help with, (whether his help amounted to 10 % or 90% of the effort) then I'd feel bitter. Then our relationship would be in real trouble.

Actually, we ran into something like that over housekeeping. DH asked when we moved in together what I wanted him to do towards housework every week. I was floored by that. What I wanted him to do? Uh, why would I be in charge of housekeeping? Why would I be allocating tasks? It took a long time (and a stunningly filthy house) for him to cotton onto the difference between helping and sharing responsibility. He did try the 'but guys don't get it, we don't see it the same way etc' angle, which was not entertained, not even briefly.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I don't think I'm explaining my view very well! What we do works really well for both of us and we both love being parents to Amelia. I suppose that's the main thing. That, and we're still happy together, still in love.

Jen

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/2/2008 5:49:05 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 12/2/2008 5:02:47 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Vs. working moms who are tired after a long day but then go into their *second* job. Is there potential for more bitterness there when the man doesn''t help out?

See, that''s the bit that I struggle with. The idea that DH would be helping out. I have a feeling that if someone is helping you with something, there''s a tacit agreement that thing is your actual responsibility. I don''t want that, I don''t want him to help me, he doesn''t want me to help him. we want to be equal parents. If I felt like it was my responsibility, which my husband would help with, (whether his help amounted to 10 % or 90% of the effort) then I''d feel bitter. Then our relationship would be in real trouble.

Actually, we ran into something like that over housekeeping. DH asked when we moved in together what I wanted him to do towards housework every week. I was floored by that. What I wanted him to do? Uh, why would I be in charge of housekeeping? Why would I be allocating tasks? It took a long time (and a stunningly filthy house) for him to cotton onto the difference between helping and sharing responsibility. He did try the ''but guys don''t get it, we don''t see it the same way etc'' angle, which was not entertained, not even briefly.

Anyway, I''m rambling. I don''t think I''m explaining my view very well! What we do works really well for both of us and we both love being parents to Amelia. I suppose that''s the main thing. That, and we''re still happy together, still in love.

Jen

I agree with you in theory MrsM. In reality, a lot of relationships don''t work like that when it comes to child rearing. Not to say we wouldn''t all be better off it everyone had the mentality that you did...we certainly would!

From the get go, it is not equal, IMHO. I''m carrying the kid for goodness sake! Then when it pops out and we were to stick the kid on dad''s nipple...well, we wouldn''t have a baby for very long as it would starve to death. Whether we like it or not, for those initial critical weeks, we, as mothers, are thrust into the role of caretaker. So then the question often becomes, "honey, how can I HELP you out?"

I totally agree with your point about the house. But the parent child relationship is very unbalanced from the word go. Dads help by trying to change diapers, making sure mom is OK, etc but it still feels a bit skewed.

I probably add fuel to the fire because in the beginning, while I knew we were both parents, I felt that Amelia was really still MY responsibility. TGuy had only 2 days off work, so I was left in charge. While we''re both her parents, I do feel our roles are different. And you know, we don''t really have it down pat...we are continually figuring it out. Part of it IS that my husband is a more selfish person than I am. If he''s exhausted, he''s cranky and has a hard time dealing with her. If I''m exhausted, I still always have a smile on my face for her and can be put in a tired, but good mood.

My husband is learning, getting better and falling in love with Amelia more and more every day. But there is no "equal" parenting in this relationship. We are both parents, yes. However I am her mother. He is her father. He absolutely defers to me as her primary caretaker and I do ask for help with this responsibility or that. We continue to meld and mold those roles in a way that work well with each other and in our family.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

TGal, I completely agree with you that by nature, because we are the ones who have the uterus and the boobs, parenting is unfair.

I know this sounds like a terrible question, but I''m just being very honest. Did any of you lovely moms ever feel resentful that it is unequal? I have this fear of waking up at 3 a.m. for a feeding, then looking at the other side of the bed at my husband who is content and asleep and resenting the fact that he is not as exhausted. I love that our relatoinship is equal in all ways (responsibility, financially, etc.) and I''m afraid that the inherent inequality of having a child is going to make me feel isolated or suffocated. Even when you know that he is an amazing father and is going above and beyond to help, do those first months still feel lonely?

I realize that this is just temporary and parenting takes on a new dynamic and in many ways gets easier, but I would be lying if I said it wasn''t scary. Not quite as scary as knowing that you are no longer the most important person in your life, but still scary, haha.