Help-think my marriage is in trouble

[HollyS]

I''m sorry that you find yourself in this situation. From the info you provided, this is the source of the communication gulf between you both: the baby.

Is your husband acting childishly? Of course. But I feel it''s necessary to ask you this question: have you neglected him in important ways because you now have a child to care for? Whether you believe you have, he thinks you have. And if you want to fix this from his perspective, make it right with him, then you will have to acknowledge that. That''s the starting point. He isn''t being fair to you, but believe him when he tells you he resents you because of the baby. You must begin there to heal the marriage.

I wish you the best.

 

[packrat]

I would like to say Hello and Welcome, and also lend my support. I think everyone has given great advice. I too think that if you can swallow your pride and hurt feelings, and maybe try something simple like a kiss good morning and good night. A simple "G''night honey, love you" can go a long way. If your daughter is in bed for the night and he''s on the couch watching tv, try sitting next to him and putting your head on his shoulder and snuggle in. We''ve had times when we''re upset w/each other and haven''t spoken for a few hours. If I go to him and sit right next to him and put his arm around me, pretty soon his cheek will be resting on my head and he''ll rub my arm. It''s hard to be a wife and mother and work and take care of the house and everything that needs to be done all the time. There has to be give and take on both sides, communication and compromise. Affection is hard when you''re upset, but it really does make a big difference even done in small ways. If it''s nice outside and he''s working on something in the backyard, bring some toys your daughter can play w/and you both can go outside w/him. Ask if there''s something you could do to help. Doing things together as a team is fun, and it''s a wonderful way to stay connected. Even handing him tools or holding a board. It''s a nice time then to say, "So how was work yesterday?" and get a general conversation going. If you''ve got ideas about home improvements, that''s a good time to mention them. "You know, I was thinking, what if we bricked off a little area next to the patio here..what do you think?" You can give each other feedback and encouragement for your ideas. One thing we do, is after say, doing some of the yardwork, we''ll sit down and have a break w/pop or whatever, and just relax and talk about what we''re going to do next, or how nice it is to have that part of the work done. There are simple ways to reach out to your spouse and reconnect.

I do wish you all the best of luck w/your husband. I''ve not read that thread TGal started, but it sounds like there''s good advice there too. I''ve noticed this board is full of people w/supportive thoughts and ideas!

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 4/3/2009 10:18:07 AM
Author: LaraOnline

...

Work on providing shortish, controlled and PLEASANT experiences between your husband and your child. Make sure the child is clean, cutely dressed and pleasant to look and touch.

...

In addition to creating an affectionate 'space' for him with you, make a small effort to look attractive for him, within the bounds of your timetable, of course. But just the simple act of bothering-to-brush-your-hair-so-you-don't-look-like-a-mess for your man can be somehow therapeutic. He deserves respect. He is the father of your child.

Lara, I think that you often give great advice, but this seems a little Stepford to me. They both work full time but she should still be going above and beyond so that he can have easy play time with the child? To me, that's rewarding boorishness.

I'm all for making an effort, but only if both parties are doing so. Maybe it's the household I grew up in (very egalitarian--my parents both contributed to housework and childrearing), but the thing that bothered me most about Shana's post is that she's doing all the work!

Shana, it sounds like you're resentful of him. With reason, certainly, but on the other hand, you have offered to do all the work. If you say "I will take care of the baby by myself" and then resent him and start pulling away because he's not helping, that's not really productive. Yes, he needs to get his head out of his a** and start helping with the childcare and whatnot but you also need to let him. Good luck with everything--I hope you guys can make this work.

 

[princesss]

Date: 4/3/2009 2:26:39 PM
Author: HollyS
But I feel it''s necessary to ask you this question: have you neglected him in important ways because you now have a child to care for? Whether you believe you have, he thinks you have. And if you want to fix this from his perspective, make it right with him, then you will have to acknowledge that. That''s the starting point. He isn''t being fair to you, but believe him when he tells you he resents you because of the baby. You must begin there to heal the marriage.

This is crucial. He has told you how he felt. If you expect him to listen to you, you must listen to him when he tells you how he feels. Otherwise you are dismissing his feelings the same way you feel he is dismissing yours.

 

[Shana2009]

ok i'm trying to listen.

for those with children, how would you handle it if your husband said "I am starting to resent you for pushing us into kids etc when we did".

It sounds like I should be saying "ok, i hear what you are saying, and I can understand how you feel."

that is so hard. What I want to say is "that is unfair--I didn't push, you were part of the decision making! These stresses have come from other areas within your own power--how dare you look to me and the baby to cast blame!." But i guess I have to keep that inside and instead and kiss him and make him feel loved.

I want to say "what about me? I am alone and overwhelmed and I need a husband who can hug me and say he'll take care of me no matter how tough things are---but you have instead pulled away from me and left me alone and huddled in my thoughts." But guess I have to keep that inside until he is in a spot where he can hear that and not hear what he usually does---which is "you are not doing enough." To which he will respond "I am growing to resent you for putting me in this situation in which I cannot succeed". Which is where we are at now (the cycle).

This is all incredibly challenging. One thing hopefully you all can agree with is I shouldn't be having these imaginary conversations with myself but with HIM. I have asked that we talk and he has said he is busy until tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow evening I am busy with family (as he knows). It's as if he is avoiding once again. Sun - Friday we have family in the house (and have to put on happy faces), and there will be no opportunity during that time.

 

[princesss]

I don't think anybody's saying you can't tell him how you feel (probably with a counselor as an intermediary). Just that you have to accept how he feels as well, and work at understanding that to him that is reality. But it's a two way street, no doubt.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 4/3/2009 4:47:41 PM
Author: Shana2009
ok i''m trying to listen.

for those with children, how would you handle it if your husband said ''I am starting to resent you for pushing us into kids etc when we did''.

It sounds like I should be saying ''ok, i hear what you are saying, and I can understand how you feel.''

that is so hard. What I want to say is ''that is unfair--I didn''t push, you were part of the decision making! These stresses have come from other areas within your own power--how dare you look to me and the baby to cast blame!.'' But i guess I have to keep that inside and instead and kiss him and make him feel loved.

I want to say ''what about me? I am alone and overwhelmed and I need a husband who can hug me and say he''ll take care of me no matter how tough things are---but you have instead pulled away from me and left me alone and huddled in my thoughts.'' But guess I have to keep that inside until he is in a spot where he can hear that and not hear what he usually does---which is ''you are not doing enough.'' To which he will respond ''I am growing to resent you for putting me in this situation in which I cannot succeed''. Which is where we are at now (the cycle).

This is all incredibly challenging. One thing hopefully you all can agree with is I shouldn''t be having these imaginary conversations with myself but with HIM. I have asked that we talk and he has said he is busy until tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow evening I am busy with family (as he knows). It''s as if he is avoiding once again. Sun - Friday we have family in the house (and have to put on happy faces), and there will be no opportunity during that time.

I think you should be saying "Hey, bud--I asked if you were ready and you said you were. You went into this with both eyes open, so stop using it to justify your unhappiness." You didn''t put him in any situation--he got himself there. It takes two to tango, so to speak.

You say that you want to say "What about me?" Really, it shouldn''t be about you, either. It should be about your child, IMHO.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 4/3/2009 4:47:41 PM
Author: Shana2009
ok i''m trying to listen.

for those with children, how would you handle it if your husband said ''I am starting to resent you for pushing us into kids etc when we did''.

It sounds like I should be saying ''ok, i hear what you are saying, and I can understand how you feel.''

that is so hard. What I want to say is ''that is unfair--I didn''t push, you were part of the decision making! These stresses have come from other areas within your own power--how dare you look to me and the baby to cast blame!.'' But i guess I have to keep that inside and instead and kiss him and make him feel loved.

I want to say ''what about me? I am alone and overwhelmed and I need a husband who can hug me and say he''ll take care of me no matter how tough things are---but you have instead pulled away from me and left me alone and huddled in my thoughts.'' But guess I have to keep that inside until he is in a spot where he can hear that and not hear what he usually does---which is ''you are not doing enough.'' To which he will respond ''I am growing to resent you for putting me in this situation in which I cannot succeed''. Which is where we are at now (the cycle).

This is all incredibly challenging. One thing hopefully you all can agree with is I shouldn''t be having these imaginary conversations with myself but with HIM. I have asked that we talk and he has said he is busy until tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow evening I am busy with family (as he knows). It''s as if he is avoiding once again. Sun - Friday we have family in the house (and have to put on happy faces), and there will be no opportunity during that time.

This is a really tough one. First of all, I totally agree with you that you should not accept any "blame" for having kids. It takes two people to create a child. Every time that he had sex with you without using birth control, he was making the conscious choice to try to have a child with you. It is totally ridiculous for him to say that it''s your fault that you had children when you did - if he didn''t want kids, he didn''t have to have sex, for pete''s sake, or he could have worn a condom. If he didn''t want to at the time, then he should be upset with himself for not using birth control at that time, but to blame you now, when the child is here, is totally unacceptable, and a copout.

My response to him would be something along these lines, "By not using a condom at the time we conceived this child, you made the choice to participate in her creation. She is here now, and this is our life. You may regret your choices, but they were yours, and you made them. Do not blame me, I did not make you do anything. Now we need to put our own desires aside, and work this out together, going forward, for the sake of our child."

To me, it sounds like he''s the one being childish. He''s blaming you for something that he decided to participate in. No one can "make" anyone else do anything they don''t want to do. If he were my husband, I would tell him that it''s time to stop bemoaning the past, accept the present, and start planning for the future with the tools he has right now. You can''t "take back" having a baby. So he needs to come to terms with his reality, instead of thinking about "what could have been," and work with you to make your marriage work for both yourselves, and the happiness of your baby.

 

[teapot]

Welcome. I''m sorry you are going through this. I think the best way to figure out what''s best for you and your husband is to communicate. Date night is a great way to initiate conversation. Start with just meeting for coffee or drinks and keep the conversation neutral. Don''t jump into the "I feel..." statements right away. Instead, focus on "I had fun talking to you about..." If you are at all religious, talking to your clergy can be helpful as well. The most important thing is to open up the lines of communication.

 

[garlicbread]

Shana,

You asked about how a women with a child would handle this.

I was in a similar situation. I had been married for almost 5 years, we owned a home and were financially in a good place. I was ready to have children and he wasn''t. I decided to stop using the birth control pills that I had been taking for 7 years and give myself a break for a few months. He was well aware of this. He really hated condoms and once(only once) he decided to throw caution to the wind and I got pregnant. He blamed me and was resentful well into the pregnancy. It really broke my heart.
Like your husband, he was a non-communicator. I couldn''t talk to him about how hurt I was by his behavior. I tried to put it out of my mind, but at a time when I should have been basking in the joy of my first pregnancy and all that went with it, I felt cheated and denied the happiness I deserved.
Eventually he came around and he adored his daughter when she was born. Two years later we decided together to try for a second and another daughter was born.

I took on the responsibility of caring for the children. I got up at night with them, dressed, bathed and fed them as well as working a full time job. He would spend time playing with them, but he always found time for himself. It took a while, but my resentment grew to the point that I couldn''t stand to be in the same room with him and when the girls were 8 and 6, I asked him for a divorce. At this point, he was willing to do anything to save the relationship and we tried, but it was too late for me as I no longer felt the same way about him.

That''s how I handled it then. I would handle it differently now. I should have demanded that we get counseling so I could communicate my true feelings and force him to see his behavior through my eyes. I don''t know if it would have saved the marriage, but it would have saved all of the time I spent being unhappy and I think I would have been a better parent if I had been happier.

The only advice I am going to give you is to do SOMETHING. You will regret it if you don''t and your resentment and anger will only get worse.

 

[Shana2009]

Garlic, Thanks for sharing. That is really food for thought for me. Do you feel happier now? Did you remarry? I''m determined to break the cycle--I just want to approach it the right way otherwise we will keep going round and round. I''m only 2 yrs into my marriage, so I hope this means there''s hope. I think there is, but I don''t just want a marriage that is just functionable, I want one that is happy.

Ladypirate, Oh I do put my child first. But I also realize that a happy mommy and daddy are critical to a happy home. I can''t just put all my love in one place (the baby) because then she will not always be able to fill that void for me (it''s too much). And I know alot of our "issues" are about us, and blaming external issues is not the answer. Yes they make things sooo much worse, but it''s ultimately about he and I and our issues and how we relate. I need to work on that. And to do that I have to really dig inside and analyze ME. As does he. It sounds narcissistic, but isn''t that what they''d do in counseling too? I''m grateful she''s young so not aware as she would be in a few more years, when it could likely be really bad if we don''t at least try to get back some of this relationship.

Sorry if this sounds jumbled...long day and exhausted. Thank you to you all for listening and i''ll keep you updated on what happens whenever we talk.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/3/2009 3:06:42 PM
Author: ladypirate

Date: 4/3/2009 10:18:07 AM

Author: LaraOnline


...


Work on providing shortish, controlled and PLEASANT experiences between your husband and your child. Make sure the child is clean, cutely dressed and pleasant to look and touch.


...


In addition to creating an affectionate 'space' for him with you, make a small effort to look attractive for him, within the bounds of your timetable, of course. But just the simple act of bothering-to-brush-your-hair-so-you-don't-look-like-a-mess for your man can be somehow therapeutic. He deserves respect. He is the father of your child.

Lara, I think that you often give great advice, but this seems a little Stepford to me. They both work full time but she should still be going above and beyond so that he can have easy play time with the child? To me, that's rewarding boorishness.


I'm all for making an effort, but only if both parties are doing so.

Oh sweetheart, I know it's Stepford.
As I wrote that, I couldn't believe that I have even 'evolved'

to the point where I would even be saying that. The previous alternative lifestyler me would be turning in her grave.
I don't know a thing about Shana. I don't know if she is really falling apart with the new bub - although, if she has to keep it together enough to get to a full time job, it is likely that this part of my advice had no meaning for her.
It is sooo hard to find ANY time for the basics of self-management.
And, at the end of the day, that paragraph was really not about looking like you're 'up for it'. (If you know what I mean).
But trying to keep it together enough where you give a stuff - in general - can be a big help in maintaining daily relations.
At the end of the day, yes, he is acting like a boor. It WAS mean of him to send an email with all these irrational and unfair allegations in it.
But people say mean things all the time.
And even well meaning daddies can be really clueless when it comes to coping with a new born. Also, men often have a whole raft of criticism coming at them every time they do so much as pick up the baby!!
By encouraging him to enjoy family life FOR HIS OWN ENJOYMENT, he gets to stop feeling 'pushed' and start acting in the best interests of the family from his own self-interest (which is the heart and soul of most of our actions, I think).
This baby is only five months old. Sure Dad might not be doing much now, but Dad has a loooong way to go, lots of men really step up as the children develop.

I really liked Packrat's suggestions... the whole idea is to stop keeping a tally (hard when you are running like 'Oil Panic'!) and start LIVING and GETTING ON as a family. That means a few niceties and special moments for him too, even if he's being an A**hole.

 

[rainwood]

I agree with purrfect pear. From your description, your husband may have been reluctant about marriage and fatherhood, you sensed that, but took his lack of a no to be a yes. The question now is whether his feeling trapped comes from the stress of your full-time jobs and a toddler (is the bad economy an issue too?) so that this is a big, but temporary, bump in the road or whether he''s never really resolved his doubts about being a husband or father.

Here''s one idea to consider. He''s finally told you he feels trapped. If you want to be able to talk with him further, you have to acknowledge his feelings. That doesn''t mean you have to agree with him or think he''s right or that it''s fair, just that you''ve heard what he said. And hard as it may be, you can''t be angry about it or he''ll just clam up again and you''re no closer to a solution. My husband, like many men, is uncomfortable talking about his feelings and I''ve learned not to get angry when he does share even if it turns out to be something I didn''t want to hear. Otherwise, they''ll just go back to "head in the sand" mode.

The next step would be even harder. If you really want to know where he thinks things stand, you could ask "What would you like to see happen?" Again, not in anger. You''d have to be ready for another answer you don''t like, but you would at least find out if he thinks there''s something that can be done. If he says "I don''t know" then you might want to talk about seeing a counselor. If he says he wants out, then you''d have to deal with that. Don''t ask the question if you don''t want to hear the answer, but it might be a way for both of you to start talking about how to improve a bad situation.

I understand that this may seem one-sided and that he isn''t doing enough to acknowledge your feelings and frustrations, but that''s one of the downsides of being with someone who by their nature isn''t very communicative. It will never be even because they''re just not wired that way. They can improve, but it will never be a two-way free-flowing dialogue about feelings.

I hope things work out for you.

 

[Hera]

I have to say that things sound terribly unbalanced. You both work and then he goes off and fixes repairs on the house and you go home and take care of a baby and do all the finances. Just throwing things out there, but do you feel like you could mix it up a little? maybe taking the baby and playing near where he''s working, bringing lemonade, handing him parts etc? I know with my husband that if he spends too much time working on something, I go and just keep him company. I talk to him and in the end know that we both did it together. And, maybe he should be playing with his daughter when you''re doing the dishes or taking a bubble bath.

I agree with others here that say that your husband is responsible for becoming a parent, he is an adult and I''m sure that he knows what the lack of birth control can do. I agree he should spend more time with his baby and not just when she''s happy.I do understand that he may feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of being a parent. Considering how sensitive he is, I would maybe think about the delivery of your words. I don''t think that you should try to act a different way, especially not true to how you''re feeling, but I think you should try saying things differently. Accusing each other isn''t going to help at all. Instead of "you never or we never" maybe a "would you like to go to the movies this weekend.." would have a better response.

Well, I can imagine why intimacy can be difficult right now. You sound very hurt and are protecting yourself so I totally get that. Maybe you could start implementing it by just holding his hand or a simple kiss on the cheek. Spend more time together. Drop the baby off at grandmas and go on a date for the day. Take things slowly and go to therapy. No excuses that you''re too busy! Think about how busy you would be if you really were a single parent. A realtionship has to be a priority and personally it''s just as important as taking care of that precious child. They will feel the tension in the air and it''s not a good foundation to raise a baby.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/3/2009 4:47:41 PM
Author: Shana2009
ok i'm trying to listen.


for those with children, how would you handle it if your husband said 'I am starting to resent you for pushing us into kids etc when we did'.


It sounds like I should be saying 'ok, i hear what you are saying, and I can understand how you feel.'


that is so hard. What I want to say is 'that is unfair--I didn't push, you were part of the decision making! These stresses have come from other areas within your own power--how dare you look to me and the baby to cast blame!.' But i guess I have to keep that inside and instead and kiss him and make him feel loved.


I want to say 'what about me? I am alone and overwhelmed and I need a husband who can hug me and say he'll take care of me no matter how tough things are---but you have instead pulled away from me and left me alone and huddled in my thoughts.' But guess I have to keep that inside until he is in a spot where he can hear that and not hear what he usually does---which is 'you are not doing enough.' To which he will respond 'I am growing to resent you for putting me in this situation in which I cannot succeed'. Which is where we are at now (the cycle).


This is all incredibly challenging. One thing hopefully you all can agree with is I shouldn't be having these imaginary conversations with myself but with HIM. I have asked that we talk and he has said he is busy until tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow evening I am busy with family (as he knows). It's as if he is avoiding once again. Sun - Friday we have family in the house (and have to put on happy faces), and there will be no opportunity during that time.

Firstly, off topic, lady pirate, I hope you didn't think I was addressing you in a condescending way. I spoke to you like a would one of my best girlfriends, by addressing you in this manner. I'm not sure that was good etiquette for online. Sorry.

Shana (and I think I have to talk to myself here pretty much, as it is probably sleepy time over there where the rest of PS lives), I'm not sure you should be having many (or any) FORMAL conversations about this stuff, at this time or within the next few months. I have never known my husband to respond well to this kind of deep conversation... or any other guys, either, actually! Unless it was purely a philosophical discussion, not directly related to 'my needs'.

Although platonic friends are different, and I think they must breed guys differently in the US as well. I think conversation only really works if there is a strong undercurrent of trust, co-operation and connection between the participants. If you are feeling a little at sea, there are plenty of ways to get your point across, and at the end of the day, actions DO speak louder than words.

I would let go of the irrational or hurtful statements issued by your husband, in their essence, although by all means address them at the time, in a responsive sentence or two. The key in his communication is not what he is saying, but what he is pointing to within his own emotional landscape.
My husband told me once (in relation to the potential drowning hazard of a spabath that I wanted to fill up out the back of our house) that if anything bad happened to my child, he would 'never forgive me'.
I don't actually think he REALLY meant that...well, I hope he didn't. Such a tragedy would be disastrous, and I would need to know that we could get through...but when I heard that, tears came into my eyes. I briefly outlined the depth of my dismay at his betrayal of my trust - 'I can't believe you just said that, you dag!', and told him that if tragedy ever struck, I needed to know I could depend on him.


In your situation, I would certainly feel free to express my displeasure, or respond intelligently when he made a stupid remark - roll my eyes - a half grin - 'Good on ya!"

' whatever, but I would try and keep unpleasant or formal 'esoteric, non-practical' conversations fairly limited (as in 30 second exchanges) until you are both feeling supported and attached to each other.

So I guess that means no more emails and more time together, just hangin' out! I would definitely be spending as much time as possible just hanging out together. Perhaps the family and other interests can take a back seat for six months. (not that i'm saying you are with your family all the time, btw!)

 

[iheartscience]

Okay, am I the only one who thinks it''s insane that everyone is suggesting that Shana, who does everything for the baby as well as all the finances, is now the only one who can save her marriage by not talking about anything serious with her husband and doing everything she can do to make her husband feel good?

Women constantly take on the role of "keeper of the relationship" and are tasked with doing everything to keep the relationship and the romance alive. This kind of mindset is not healthy, because the onus shouldn''t be on only 1 member of a 2 person relationship. If anything, I think it creates more resentment.

Shana, I am not married yet (getting married on 7/11) but I have been with my fiance for over 6 years. Relationships are a two way street, and I think it''s absurd that you have to be the one to fix this relationship on top of everything else you do. Yes, you have contributed to the breakdown of your marriage, but it seems like your husband has done plenty of that himself, and his comments about you forcing him into kids are horrible and very troubling.

I agree with movie zombie that counseling seems like the only possible answer for you. I realize children make it harder to just walk away, but if he''s not willing to even go to counseling with you, I think your only options are divorce or staying in a miserable marriage.

 

[packrat]

Thing, I don''t want to speak for everyone else exactly, but I think what we''re suggesting is more along the lines of subtlety. I know when I''ve been having problems w/my husband, and I got to the point after our 2nd came along that I had divorce floating around in my head, if I''d just walked into the living room and said "JD, either you start helping me or we''re done"..I''m pretty sure I wouldn''t be married right now. And it wouldn''t be because he *wanted* specifically to get the heck out of Dodge, but it''s the way things are presented. Sometimes you need to schmooze a little. Maybe it''s not right or proper to smooth talk your own husband, but if a little effort is put forth on one end, sometimes the other person will start to come around. I do agree that marriage is a 2 way street and there does need to be a lot of communication and respect and compromise. Someone has to be the bigger person and put the effort in first and make that first step, or else you''ve got 2 grown adults each fuming over things, arms crossed, not wanting to budge. I don''t like to be the one to "cave". I hate it. Especially if I feel he''s in the wrong. But, I''ve learned that if I want things to work, I have to try. If he doesn''t want to try, fine, he can be a big fat whine baby pee pants. But at least *I* (or Shana in this case!) know I''ve put forth an effort. And it doesn''t mean she needs to fall all over herself to make things even easier for him than they already are, I''m talking *little* things. *Subtle* things. A kiss on the cheek good bye, simple yet effective. Hanging out w/him while he''s working on projects, helping if possible, simple yet effective. He''ll either start coming around or he won''t. Then, if she still wants to save the marriage, it''s time to start pulling out the big guns. From what I''ve gleaned, Shana''s husband isn''t going to respond to all out in your face tactics, and I think you need to tailor your methods to the person. At the end of the day, there are 2 people in the marriage, and if nobody wants to budge, well, then, that''s that. I''d rather be the one to "suck it up" and change my behavior in the hopes that his behavior would change to match, than to not have tried and give up. If he wants to change and save the marriage but doesn''t know how, then by sticking her neck out and making the first move, Shana shows that she values the marriage, and gives him an avenue to learn to change too.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 4/4/2009 9:22:35 AM
Author: thing2of2
Okay, am I the only one who thinks it''s insane that everyone is suggesting that Shana, who does everything for the baby as well as all the finances, is now the only one who can save her marriage by not talking about anything serious with her husband and doing everything she can do to make her husband feel good?


Women constantly take on the role of ''keeper of the relationship'' and are tasked with doing everything to keep the relationship and the romance alive. This kind of mindset is not healthy, because the onus shouldn''t be on only 1 member of a 2 person relationship. If anything, I think it creates more resentment.


Shana, I am not married yet (getting married on 7/11) but I have been with my fiance for over 6 years. Relationships are a two way street, and I think it''s absurd that you have to be the one to fix this relationship on top of everything else you do. Yes, you have contributed to the breakdown of your marriage, but it seems like your husband has done plenty of that himself, and his comments about you forcing him into kids are horrible and very troubling.


I agree with movie zombie that counseling seems like the only possible answer for you. I realize children make it harder to just walk away, but if he''s not willing to even go to counseling with you, I think your only options are divorce or staying in a miserable marriage.

Nope. I agree with ya Thing! And as a mom of two young babies I would be kicking my husband to the curb if he did indeed agree to having kids and then didn''t want to father them.

But agreeing is different than not saying no...so I am unsure which situation Shana is in here...

 

[icekid]

Date: 4/4/2009 1:02:30 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 4/4/2009 9:22:35 AM
Author: thing2of2
Okay, am I the only one who thinks it''s insane that everyone is suggesting that Shana, who does everything for the baby as well as all the finances, is now the only one who can save her marriage by not talking about anything serious with her husband and doing everything she can do to make her husband feel good?


Women constantly take on the role of ''keeper of the relationship'' and are tasked with doing everything to keep the relationship and the romance alive. This kind of mindset is not healthy, because the onus shouldn''t be on only 1 member of a 2 person relationship. If anything, I think it creates more resentment.


Shana, I am not married yet (getting married on 7/11) but I have been with my fiance for over 6 years. Relationships are a two way street, and I think it''s absurd that you have to be the one to fix this relationship on top of everything else you do. Yes, you have contributed to the breakdown of your marriage, but it seems like your husband has done plenty of that himself, and his comments about you forcing him into kids are horrible and very troubling.


I agree with movie zombie that counseling seems like the only possible answer for you. I realize children make it harder to just walk away, but if he''s not willing to even go to counseling with you, I think your only options are divorce or staying in a miserable marriage.

Nope. I agree with ya Thing! And as a mom of two young babies I would be kicking my husband to the curb if he did indeed agree to having kids and then didn''t want to father them.

But agreeing is different than not saying no...so I am unsure which situation Shana is in here...

Umm.. what they said! Shana cannot be expected to fix the relationship on her own, as she is not the only person in this relationship (though sometimes it might appearthat she is!) If her hubby is not on board, nothing can change. And he NEEDS to put in the effort, too. I agree on the counseling. It seems Shana is unable to get through to this guy at the moment.

I wish you the best, Shana!

 

[Maisie]

I wonder if you might need a visit to your doctor Shana. I am not saying you are depressed but if things are getting on top of you it could be a factor in why things are feeling so overwhelming just now.

 

[movie zombie]

regarding my counseling suggestion: it was for the poster....to help her decide how she wants to proceed, clarify what she wants her life to be like, what she''s willing to do, how to approach hubby, etc. in no way do i think couples counseling is in order until she decides what she wants to do [which includes everything from kicking him to the curb or working on the marriage]. i think hubby is being as honest as he can be and he has said he feels trapped. it would be wise to hear that..........not listen, but hear it. its unfair for anyone to be blamed for this. he is responsible for his own feelings and for speaking up about things. the poster can''t fix him...only he can do that. unless he makes a clear decision to be an active part of this family and does the work for himself necessary to be a part of this family, then this is the life the poster can resign herself to or move on and make the life she wants for herself and her child.

its easy to say he should have spoken up if he didn''t want to go along with the marriage/children agenda.....easier said than done for some people. what is done is done. time to decide what to do and there are no easy solutions. both are entitled to their feelings. its whether or not they can reach a common ground and do the work necessary to be a family.

mz

 

[garlicbread]

Shana,

I was much happier soon after I left. It was such a great relief to let go of all of the anger which I just couldn''t do while I was with him.

This all happened 15 years ago. It is very difficult and complicated to form new relationships when you are single parenting. There is so much to consider and you must be very cautious that the children are not impacted adversely. I have been in a very healthy relationship for almost 8 years are we are just recently engaged(my avatar is the ring he gave me a couple of weeks ago).

The best thing for your child is to have two parents that are happy and love each other. If that isn''t possible, then the next best thing is to have at least one parent who is happy and can provide the love and support that he/she needs. You are responsible for your own happiness and you sound like you have the ability to make the right decision for yourself, your child and your marriage. You might just need a little help from a professional who can give you some perspective.

I hope you can find your happiness.

 

[House Cat]

Hi...

I'm not married yet, but I've been with my significant other for 8 years and we have three teenagers (2 are his, one is mine) and a toddler that is ours. We also had to attend couple's counseling about a year and a half ago.

Before couple's counseling, there was such a distance between us. I wasn't even sure we were in love anymore. I wasn't sure I LOVED HIM in the way that I should anymore. We didn't talk, we didn't hug, kiss. We sure fought a lot though. I felt so alone. I can honestly say it was one of the lonliest and angriest times of my life because here I was, sleeping next to someone every night, yet he felt like a stranger. I wasn't even considering counseling. I was ready to leave. He was the one to ask me to go.

So, we walked into the counselor's office and I was full of rage and pain because the man that I have been with for so long has become distant. I blamed him for it all too. I don't know why. I would SAY that I didn't blame him, but deep in my heart, for some reason, I felt it was all his fault. The first thing the counselor did was validate the fact that the way we have been living was incredibly lonely. "This kind of distance in a relationship can actually be more lonely than living single," she said! The next thing she told us is that the birth of a child will most certainly cause distance in a relationship. It is only logical that this happens, an infant arrives and the focus HAS to be on the baby! It's very difficult to keep the balance between child and relationship...you really have to work at it.

So, we kept going and we worked on some things. What happened is that I learned about HIS PAIN and instead of feeling sad and angry about myself, I felt deep compassion and love for him once again. Sometimes, you need a mediator to communicate your partner's feelings in a way that communicates with YOU. Sometimes partners just have different styles of communication and so things get mixed up. Our counselor was able to communicate my partner's "stuff" to me in a way that made me understand him and vice versa.

This is the short version, but I can tell you that we came out of counseling stronger...much, much stronger.

Right now, the two of you are stuck in the cycle of laying blame. The fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter who you think is to blame for what, who you think is right or who you think is wrong, or who did what...you are where you are and both of you contributed to this situation. There is no right or wrong and no one is to blame for anything. The two of you have been living life the best that you can. Maybe it's just time for some healthy advice from an expert who might give you both a few tools to get through this life a little easier.

 

[zhuzhu]

Hi Shana,

I would like to lend my support to you as you must be feeling alone right now. All of us here are giving advices the best we can, however I would like to point out that their situations are likely to be different from yours. It is most important that you seek professional guidance in this matter. Someone who is professionally trained in giving you UNBIASED advice is your best chance in fixing your marriage. Until you have someone local who can actually follow situation''s progress and improvement, be calm and patient. You can not change your DH unless he is willing to change. Being emotionally upset is not likely to get him on board to work this out TOGETHER with you.
Please come here to vent anytime you like, we are all here for you!

Z.

 

[trillionaire]

If you are looking for something in the meantime before counseling, you might try this/these: The Love Dare

I am not religious, but it is a faith based text. (a warning in case that is not your thing!)

I will tell you that it puts the onus of creating a loving environment back on you.

It is from the movie Fireproof, also faith based. I watched it recently, and the acting is not good, but the message about marriage and relationships is very strong.

*You could do the love dare on him and not tell him what you are doing, and you can see how he reacts/changes.
*You could both watch the movie and decide to do the love dare together.
*You could watch the movie together and just talk about it w/o doing the love dare

I rented the movie for $1 at Redbox. I think they have it at blockbuster, too.

Good luck!

 

[galeteia]

Just like to say that you didn't climb on top of yourself and get pregnant.

If he didn't want to father a child and knew that you were off birth control, the ball was in his court not to have them. Not buying this 'you forced me to have kids!' stuff. He could have stopped the orchestra before the last chime was rung, unless you tied him down and drugged him with illegal aphrodisiacs.

Otherwise, nothing else to add that hasn't already been said. I wish you all the best.

 

[LaraOnline]

I have to agree that if it really is too much, professional counselling might be the best thing.
But you must also remember whatever you do, your child is only five months old! Things change so very fast at that age, and being your first child you are really being pulled ''by the nose''...first they respond to this, then to that, it''s so hard to keep up and feel confident! And it''s very easy to feel overwhelmed...
(the second is also very hard to adjust to, too, btw! Can''t speak about the third, yet...)

Working full time and having a new born, and having to renovate a house sounds absolutely beyond exhausting!!! I hope your family is really pulling with you, but even then it sounds like a really difficult, difficult scenario.
I don''t think, in the circumstances, you can really expect your husband to be fully accountable for every little thing he says. Perhaps this is where professional counselling (''refereeing'') can help. He is extremely likely to be REALLY feeling the pressure as well, just like you!!!

A lot of women feel out of their depth when their first child comes along... let alone a man! It really is an incredible adjustment period and learning curve.

Don''t underestimate how difficult is the task / time of life that you are going through! Try to be kind to yourself, and each other, won''t you, because the freak-out/incredible workload drudgery / OMG psychological pressure /pure exhaustion side of parenting does (very, very gradually) get better...

Anyway, hope you are coping okay Shana, sending you my (our!?!) best wishes and lots and lots of PS dust...

L.

 

[aveda6]

Shana,

I just wanted to say hello and that are my thoughts are with you. I may be a bit out of my element here (I am of the male persuasion in this forum) but I have gone through a nearly identical situation as you are going through now, although for slightly different reasons. I married my highschool sweethart and we had a child when we were both 23. We traveled around the country due to my job changes and ended up buying a house in new england (that we couldn''t afford). The stresses of life and finances were a terrible tole and I was very similar to your husband in that I did not share emotions or talk about important matters. My wife tried all of the suggestions you have received here; the "stepford" mom approach and trying to be more affectionate around me. I was just too absorbed to see it for what it was and to see that things were a mess. We also tried to communicate in emails and in hindsight I don''t think the messages from my wife were blunt enough to get through my thick skull. In the end we divorced after 13 years of marriage when she found in other person what I was not willing/able to supply. That doesn''t mean you are doomed to that same fate, I just think you need to have the very straightforward talk of what''s really going on and how serious this situation is. For me, had i known/understood earlier I may have been able to rectify the errors and change but I was too mired in the crap of the day-to-day. I think had my wife said that we were heading to divorce sooner I may have opened my eyes (again, not sure, but it may have happened) and counseling may have helped that.

In the end, although my marriage didn''t work, we were able to remain friends and now I have met the most wonderful of women and we are just newly engaged and so very happy. Despite the heartache and hell that we went through in the divorce, there is always a bright side regardless of what happens. You just need to remain positive and know that you can survive anything and you deserve to be happy. If you need more of his help around the house, with the baby, cooking, cleaning, etc., I think you need to tell him and be as honest as possible. I do think he needs to do more than just work and fix the house, those are the easy tasks (I know because I did the same thing)....

I''m sorry that you have to go through this and hopefully you can work it all out....