Help!!! I think my bf bought me a lemon!

[Imdanny]

That's the best sounding LEMON I've ever heard of. Over-dramatic much?

Sorry, but my thoughts exactly as well.

Engagement rings are a very dramatic subject. I personally wish we could drop this tradition of the man choosing the ring and surprising the potential finance with the choice. Yes, it's a tradition. It's "traditional". But it's hit or miss. I don't know anyone, man or woman, who truly doesn't want to pick out their own jewelry. It's an extremely personal choice, and even the slightest details about... an endless amount of aspects of it- choice of metal, design, style, quality, this choice, that choice, this "compromise", that "compromise", this or that area of it being a matter of no "compromise", of your personal taste, style, and vision, for something *you* are going to wear, and for the rest of your life (or until you get an upgrade, and some people don't believe in upgrades, I mean the list of things a man and woman might disagree about is endless) and it doesn't matter to me personally whether it is a tradition for the man to choose it (and I guess the woman is supposed to be satisfied, according to certain posts I've read in other threads, or she is somehow selfish, entitled, or some such, I think that's a totally unfair assessment) because I think it works when the person wearing the piece of jewelry is in love with it. Some men know how to choose jewels women will love. That's great. However, to think or act as if every man can do this for every woman, and that women should just "deal" with it if they don't like it. I think a man should get a woman an engagement ring they both "agree" on- that's fine- but if a woman doesn't love her engagement ring, I just don't think a woman having a piece of jewelry, an engagement ring or wedding band, especially, she doesn't like is a good thing.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Before you go forward you need to assess your relationship and communication and think about your own skills in the area of communication. I think talking about it will only be a good thing is you are able to do it in a gentle way that simultaneously makes clear your fears and true desires and also makes clear your love for your partner and the value you place on the effort he is expending. It is a delicate task, and I actually suggest if you plan to talk to him about it that you practice with a friend how you will approach it.

For me I would start by taking all the blame: "Honey, I am sorry, I am a sneaky little curious cat and I did something bad. I am so excited to get engaged that I looked and found something. I was the same way at Christmas, I'm so sorry. And I want to talk to you about what I found because I am not only a sneaky little minx but I am also a wishy washy person, and I think I might have led you astray in our earlier conversations." Anyways, you get the point. Tread carefully if you plan to talk about this with him. Be clear in your desires, but soft in the delivery.

 

[StoopidMonkey]

Here's a take on it from a guy's perspective.

1) Given that you cared very much what kind of diamond you wanted, you did lock yourself into a corner by saying you trusted whatever your BF and the jeweler picked out. Not laying blame, but it does make the situation more emotionally complicated.

2) I don't see any point in owning up to the snooping either way. That's an emotional mine field that's just best to avoid. I myself can be very snoopy and my brain is hypocritical enough to take instinctive offense if somebody snooped on one of my surprises. All kinds of feelings of distrust are aired whether you liket it or not. It's not entirely logical, but that's human emotion for you. That's NOT to say that you can't use the information you found to your advantage. And yes, what I am saying is that I wouldn't mind a few white lies on this subject in order to prevent my feelings from being hurt or taking the magic out of the engagement. If it ever all came out in the open, I'd understand. Having somebody care that much about how I felt and appreciated my side of the emotional investment means far more to me than unquestioning trust and loyalty.

3) If the ring can't be returned then I don't see any other option than learning to love it since it's likely that it's not that far off from what you originally wanted. Perhaps you can set your heart on a wedding band or something of that nature to satiate your desire to get something you fell in love with as well. If it can be returned for a full (or close) refund within [x] days, and I'd call ASAP anonymously to confirm this, then you have some options (also ask about the setting since you may get a refund on the diamond but the setting might be forfeit). Assuming an exchange is do-able, I'd start a conversation like this "Hey, honey? I want to talk about something that's been on my mind lately. I feel like a total idiot for saying this and I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being paranoid. It's just that I can't get my mind off those OEC's I was looking at and how the jeweler wasn't a fan. I know I said I trusted that the both of you would find something great, but I'm worried I'm so attached to the old cuts that I fell in love with that what he picked out isn't going to be what I'm looking for. I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat and I hope I'm not hurting your feelings. I'm just worried and I don't know how to feel or what to do." That should be enough to get a conversation started that expresses your concerns without tipping your hand about finding the cert. Perhaps he can tell you about "one he was looking at" (ie bought already) and might try to sell you on it, and who knows maybe he will. From there on out only you can determine what to do. If he is confident that you will like what he picked out for you, or is "thinking" of picking out for you, then I can't think of a gracious way to suggest that he return it ("not buy it yet") and start over, leaving you at Plan A. Then again, letting him know of your concern and your attachment to the old cuts may be enough to make him reconsider if he still can, or at least brace him for the mixed reaction you may or may not have to the ring once you lay eyes on it after your proposal.

I wish you luck either way and look forward to hearing how it goes.

 

[StoopidMonkey]

Any updates tuffyluvr? Hope all is well.

 

[foxterrierfan]

Tuffyluvr,

Good luck to you - I hope things have resolved themselves by now, but in case they haven't, I wanted to add my two cents.

When I got engaged, I got the diamond I wanted, but my now-husband refused to listen to me about the setting (I wanted a 6 prong classic Tiffany setting - or, at least something with PRONGS, but he thought tension-mounts were the greatest thing ever). He even took his sister with him to look at rings for me and she also loved the tension-mounts, which really killed me as I kept saying I wanted prongs and she has completely different taste than me.

Anyway, he painstakingly researched the thing, designed the ring himself and had it made by a dear friend's father, and suffice it to say, I will never have my classic 6-prong tiffany setting. It used to infuriate me that he hadn't listened to me on something so important. But, the good news is, 10 years later, he is a much, much better listener, I've learned to love my ring (mostly), and the whole thing is generally a source of humor between us. Of course, I do still threaten to have it reset (although this is not realistic in light of the friend involvement).

Again, best of luck and let us know how it goes . . .

 

[tuffyluvr]

Ok, I saw it. It's not on my finger yet, but I did see it. It's fine--I was really worried that because it was too deep, it would lack sparkle. But it's very sparkly! It's not exactly what I wanted, but it has a lot of personality, so I think it's a good compromise. It does face up small, but it doesn't look too small on my hand.

I was most worried that he hadn't gotten a good deal, but he paid 8k all-in setting and tax included, and I think that's an ok deal, so I'm fine with it.

At this point, I'm not even worried about the diamond. It's not returnable or upgradeable, so I just want to hurry up and get engaged!!! He has been sitting on the ring for weeks and it's driving me nuts!!!! I will likely end up buying an old-cut stone in the m-q color range for myself, and I'm fine with that!!

 

[Imdanny]

Tell your boyfriend that you are planning to give him an amazing surprise wedding gift that you just love!!! A minivan!!!!! Then maybe he can relate.

I believe the ring should be exactly what the GIRL would love the most.

Yes, the guy can come around to your way of thinking, and he might, and he might even think you were right and he didn't "see it" until he does.

That's what I think. In fact, I think women should just pick their own engagement rings.

Flame me if you want! I can take it.

 

[Imdanny]

Ok, I saw it. It's not on my finger yet, but I did see it. It's fine--I was really worried that because it was too deep, it would lack sparkle. But it's very sparkly! It's not exactly what I wanted, but it has a lot of personality, so I think it's a good compromise. It does face up small, but it doesn't look too small on my hand.

I was most worried that he hadn't gotten a good deal, but he paid 8k all-in setting and tax included, and I think that's an ok deal, so I'm fine with it.

At this point, I'm not even worried about the diamond. It's not returnable or upgradeable, so I just want to hurry up and get engaged!!! He has been sitting on the ring for weeks and it's driving me nuts!!!! I will likely end up buying an old-cut stone in the m-q color range for myself, and I'm fine with that!!

Good. Well, not the part about how he's waiting and it's driving you nuts, but if you're happy, that's what matters. It does sound nice. Not many women get a 1.5 ct anything-cut diamond for an engagement ring. You can be in complete control of buying an old cut and wear it on your other hand (just a suggestion). I flat out don't know how anyone man or woman wears jewelry they don't like and I personally can't make myself believe "she should like whatever I pick" because it seems patriarchal to me.

 

[PositivelyPeanut]

I'd rather have performance and personality any day over size. (That sounds dirty...I didn't really mean it to...heh.)

Judging by the posts around here, there's a lot of upgrading and changing anyway down the line. If you and your SO aren't too sentimental, you can always change the "engagement" ring down the line, picking out something together, and put this diamond into another piece if you want. At the end of the day, I think your SO sounds adorable and you're lucky to have a man that wants to surprise you and will spend the big bucks to do so. Sounds like a keeper.

 

[ivyrbotson]

I agree completely with Jennifer W

 

[tuffyluvr]

Thanks for all of your advice and messages, everyone.

Soooooo I was naughty and I snapped a few photos of the ring, but now I can't upload them! Happily, the more I look at the ring, the more I love it. It may not be exactly what I wanted, but it's beautiful all the same--and the effort and sentiment that my guy put into it make me very happy. I'm not worrying about what I didn't get--I am just thrilled that he is so excited to give it to me... And after all, I'm an independant girl and I make a good living for myself. Like I said before, I'll buy it myself. I'm due for a quarterly bonus at the end of December. All the more reason to work harder

 

[tuffyluvr]

Oh, and for all of you who were concerned about my communication skills... I did bring it up to my guy. He let me know that he loved the stone, he knew it faced up a bit small, but he loved with it. Like I said before, I want him to love what he is giving me and be excited about it, so I'm okay that it's not exactly what I wanted...

 

[CharmyPoo]

I am so happy that you are growing to like your ring. Honestly, we are most picky at the onsite but many of us grow to love the ring and it doesn't matter so much. For the regulars here, we get tempted every time we see a new bling posted but if you stay off ... the temptation goes. Plus, our life gets filled with other stuff ... wedding planning, babies, etc.

 

[jstarfireb]

Engagement rings are a very dramatic subject. I personally wish we could drop this tradition of the man choosing the ring and surprising the potential finance with the choice. Yes, it's a tradition. It's "traditional". But it's hit or miss. I don't know anyone, man or woman, who truly doesn't want to pick out their own jewelry. It's an extremely personal choice, and even the slightest details about... an endless amount of aspects of it- choice of metal, design, style, quality, this choice, that choice, this "compromise", that "compromise", this or that area of it being a matter of no "compromise", of your personal taste, style, and vision, for something *you* are going to wear, and for the rest of your life (or until you get an upgrade, and some people don't believe in upgrades, I mean the list of things a man and woman might disagree about is endless) and it doesn't matter to me personally whether it is a tradition for the man to choose it (and I guess the woman is supposed to be satisfied, according to certain posts I've read in other threads, or she is somehow selfish, entitled, or some such, I think that's a totally unfair assessment) because I think it works when the person wearing the piece of jewelry is in love with it. Some men know how to choose jewels women will love. That's great. However, to think or act as if every man can do this for every woman, and that women should just "deal" with it if they don't like it. I think a man should get a woman an engagement ring they both "agree" on- that's fine- but if a woman doesn't love her engagement ring, I just don't think a woman having a piece of jewelry, an engagement ring or wedding band, especially, she doesn't like is a good thing.

+1 million. These days people also tend to talk about marriage before a proposal actually happens, so a proposal and the ring that goes along with it aren't really a surprise anyway. I think it's an outdated tradition, too much pressure on the man to pick the "perfect" ring, and often leads to the woman settling for a ring she wouldn't have picked out herself, spending lots of money to upgrade or reset it later, and in general a lot of hurt feelings. I'm so glad my husband knew me well enough to pick out the stone together and let me design the setting, and in fact it's a lot easier on the guy to do that anyway. And he found a way to make his proposal personal and unexpected despite the fact that we had already picked out a ring. There are plenty of ways to do it.

I like the analogy of picking out a car. If I were getting my husband a car as a gift (and I did promise him a down payment on one when our old one kicks the bucket), I wouldn't pick one out for him and surprise him, but we'd go shopping together. Some times I just want to throw my hands up in the air and yell "MEN!!! Y U NO LET US PICK OUR RINGS???" (bonus points if you catch the geeky meme reference)

Anyway, I can't really comment on the cushion because I'm not well-versed in them, but it sounds like you've gotten some good advice on it already. I hope you're happy with whatever the final decision is!

 

[MissStepcut]

 

[jstarfireb]

This is teh awesome. MissStepcut, you win 1000 internets. And you get to walk out of here like a boss.

 

[Rhea]

I am so happy that you are growing to like your ring. Honestly, we are most picky at the onsite but many of us grow to love the ring and it doesn't matter so much. For the regulars here, we get tempted every time we see a new bling posted but if you stay off ... the temptation goes. Plus, our life gets filled with other stuff ... wedding planning, babies, etc.

I agree with this. I received a ring, which I got some say in choosing, about 7 years ago. I don't wear it daily - job and lifestyle reasons. At first I disliked my ring and that caused a lot of problems. Now it's just a ring. I like it and wear it. It's not the prettiest, most stunning ring I've ever seen, and I don't love it. But I'm over that (for now!). It does it's job - sits there and looks pretty and sparkles.

I'm glad that your ring is growing on you!

 

[dragonfly411]

This is teh awesome. MissStepcut, you win 1000 internets. And you get to walk out of here like a boss.

LMFAO.

To OP, I'm glad you're finding happiness.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Omg, LOL MissStepcut!!! I totally should have titled this post "Men!!! Y u no let is pick out our rings?!?!"

 

[mrs taylor]

This is teh awesome. MissStepcut, you win 1000 internets. And you get to walk out of here like a boss.

it IS teh OSM and she totes wins ALL the internets!!!

I haz teh teasr rollin' down mah face!

OP-so glad you are loving your ring. I'd recommend once you have it on your hand for realz you spend some time with it and learn it's personality. Maybe you will see what your future dh saw and it will come alive for you rendering it perfect and irreplaceable. Enjoy and this thread is USELESS without pics!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Pictures!!! Y u no upload?!?!?!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Lol!!! (We DO need pics, ya know! )

 

[tuffyluvr]

you guys would not believe how much time I have spent trying to upload photos. It's crazy?!?!?!