Help!!! I think my bf bought me a lemon!

[petrock<3]

That's the best sounding LEMON I've ever heard of. Over-dramatic much?

Sorry, but my thoughts exactly as well.

You're in fits over a situation and you havent even SEEN the ring yet
It could be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. If you trust your man and he went to a jeweler you trust, AND he's seen it in person- do you really think he's going to end up with a "lemon" ??

It is alot of money to spend and if you are not an experienced diamond shopper I can understand the anxiety. I don't think you are being over-dramatic OP. I am in the process of buying a car and its giving me an ulcer.

There is uncertainty, worry, and alot of people out there willing to take the unsuspecting for a ride. Not to say you have cause for concern, but I think these are normal feelings when parting with such a lard wad of dough.

 

[SneakyBF]

Alas I am not the OPs BF. Just a guy who doesnt know what forums his GF may look at.

I have however, slipped up and left things out that shouldnt have been seen by my GF (dont think she actually saw them). Jokes on her though cause that stone is now safely back at the jeweler. I am currently stoneless, but there is one on the cutting wheel with my name already on it hopefully in my hands in the upcoming few weeks.

For the want-to-be-involved ladies, I assure you I am doing my best to get the most beautiful stone/ring on the planet. If she doesnt like it i'll just have to eat the cost of the setting and let her pick a new stone and design everything herself, but the first time is all me, and I think it will be just as great.

 

[SB621]

I think maplefemme gave really good advice. Try to find out if it can still be returned. I would much rather own up to snooping and not wanting that diamond than have to live with a diamond I didn't like for the rest of my life.

+1. If you wait till he proposed think I think it was sort of ruin that whole moment for me. I would just own up to snooping and tell him the truth. The truth hurts but I would rather have that hurt him and have him be able to fix the situation vs. having him spend all that money and you learning to love your ring. To me that is starting out your new relationship in a strange place.

 

[Aoife]

This is a tough one. I'm pretty consistent in saying that the person who's wearing the ring should be the one who has the final say in how it looks, stone type, etc., but this case seems to me like the OP is changing the rules of the game part way through. I just don't see how either option (mentioning she saw the paperwork, or keeping her fingers crossed that she doesn't hate the finished ring) is going to not end up with hurt feelings, one way or the other. Because she told her FF that she trusted him and whatever he came up with would be fine. Kind of hard to go back on a statement like that without there being some fall out somewhere.

This is exactly why I am not a fan of the "I know you love me so much that you'll be able to read my mind" thing.

Tuffyluvr, I don't think you're being ungrateful/difficult/etc., but I do think you're in an awkward situation. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you really think through all your options and try to anticipate what your FF's reaction might be.

 

[Gypsy]

In regards to face up size of your 1.55 cushion-- keep in mind that they do face up smaller than RB. So make sure to compare face up size of your stone to average faceup size of other modern cushions.

1.55 even in a cushion should not be 6x6. It's way too little spread, unless he got a nice discount because of that.

 

[Echidna]

I tried on a 3ct OMC on Saturday and was surprised how small it faced up (I have a 1.23ct RB). Keep in mind that a genuine old cut will face up small anyway, so perhaps it is the elusive old cut you desire...

The problem here is that this diamond faces up small for a cushion and I am not comparing it to a RB.

Sorry, Charmy, I should have been more clear. Is it too small in spread even for an antique cushion? I think Gypsy's post above answered this, but that was what I was getting at!

 

[Dancing Fire]

I have been involved with the ering process, and I told my guy I love old cuts--antique cushions, OMCs, OECs, etc. He came back to me and said that the jeweler he is working with was very strongly opposed to these stones. Im really not sure why. I basically said that I knew he knew what I liked and I trusted the jeweler and I knew they would come up with something great. My guy very much wanted to surprise me, and the jeweler is well-regarded (he made khloé kardashian's amazing ering and the stuff in his shop is fabulous) so I trusted him.

Fast forward to last night: I happened upon the GIA cert for my diamond. And it looks like crap. It's a cushion modified brilliant (not my fave). I could get past that--I really don't want to hurt my guys feelings, but there are some worrying details on the report. Here are the issues that trouble me:
It's 1.55ct, but only 6.33x6.31--faces up small, no?
Table=65
depth=69
did my guy get "taken"??? What do I do?!?! He doesn't even know I know! I'm totally losing sleep over this!!!

then take your business somewhere else!! why did he let the jeweler pick the shape?...

 

[CharmyPoo]

I tried on a 3ct OMC on Saturday and was surprised how small it faced up (I have a 1.23ct RB). Keep in mind that a genuine old cut will face up small anyway, so perhaps it is the elusive old cut you desire...

The problem here is that this diamond faces up small for a cushion and I am not comparing it to a RB.

Sorry, Charmy, I should have been more clear. Is it too small in spread even for an antique cushion? I think Gypsy's post above answered this, but that was what I was getting at!

Yes, it is too small. I am a cushion nut - antique, newly cut antique, modern cuts .. you name it.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Thank you so much Petrock!!! This is exactly how I am feeling!!!

It's not that I'm materialistic--that I want a bigger or better stone, I'm just terrified that he will "get taken for a ride", as you said. This is a huge amount of money to spend on such a little thing--aside from our home or cars, this is probably the biggest-ticket item either of us own. It's not even so much that it's a modified brilliant cushion--of course I would love an omc, oec or avc, but as I mentioned before, he didn't like those cuts and I wanted him to love it too. what concerns me and upsets me is that modified brilliants don't have the best reputation around here and it would kill me to have my guy spend $10k on a piece of crap. I just feel like at least with the other cuts he would go to a jeweler I know more about.

Ultimately, it freaks me out not to have much of a say in such a huge purchase, but I suppose the best thing to do for both of us is keep quiet about the ring, and if it's awful try to do something about it then.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Gypy--the appraisal was included in the packet with the cert. It is appraised at $11,500. Bit I know he got it at a discount. About $7,000. Color is H, clarity is VS2, everything else is 'very good' cert is GIA Is that a good price??? If the price is good I won't feel to bad about it. If it's a bad price I will feel just awful!!!

 

[tuffyluvr]

I have a question for those of you who think I'm being ungrateful, neurotic, or that a man should choose whatever he wants and the woman should be happy with it because it's a gift:

Would your guy (or you, in the case if the guys) allow you to pick whatever you wanted for him--even if you (the woman) are paying for it??? I know my guy wouldn't be happy about it. I wanted to give him a bit of license b/c I know it meant a lot to him to surprise me.

Guys: would you be happy with a yellow gold and diamond band selected by your fiancée if what you wanted was titanium or steel carbide or deer antler inlay???

 

[Gypsy]

Gypy--the appraisal was included in the packet with the cert. It is appraised at $11,500. Bit I know he got it at a discount. About $7,000. Color is H, clarity is VS2, everything else is 'very good' cert is GIA Is that a good price??? If the price is good I won't feel to bad about it. If it's a bad price I will feel just awful!!!

Hard question.

7k is a good price for a 1.5 H VS2 GIA cushion. Most are retailing for about 9-10K. But they also face up where they should at 6.5mm square (for square cushions).

6.3 is small for a 1.5... much closer to a 1.3 in spread. BUT 1.3 cushions are going for about 7K.

SO... I think he did okay. He didn't get the deal the jeweler made it sound like... but he didn't overpay IMO either.

BUT, I'm not an appraiser. This is just from searches for cushions with similar stats at PS retailers.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Well, I can live with that... Not ideal, but not awful. My guy, on the other hand, would hate to know he didnt get a good deal... This whole problem could be solved by asking to see the cert and saying, "hmmmmm... This faces up like a 1.3ct..." could be a good way to get him thinking and turn the heat away from me and onto the jeweler instead!!!

 

[Dreamer_D]

I really do not think you should wait to say something. By then it could be too late to make a change. My policy is honesty in my relationship and so I would talk to my boyfriend. He will not want to learn later that you do not like your ring or are unhappy about its cut or have the feelings you have. I simply don't believe in keeping my opinions about things that involve me to myself to "spare" my partner's feelings. There are ways of *conveying* your feelings that spare his feelings; but I do not think you shoul hide them entirely under some notion that he is fragile and cannot handle an honest conversation about something that is important to you. Just my 2c. Your milage ay vary.

 

[Gypsy]

I really do not think you should wait to say something. By then it could be too late to make a change. My policy is honesty in my relationship and so I would talk to my boyfriend. He will not want to learn later that you do not like your ring or are unhappy about its cut or have the feelings you have. I simply don't believe in keeping my opinions about things that involve me to myself to "spare" my partner's feelings. There are ways of *conveying* your feelings that spare his feelings; but I do not think you shoul hide them entirely under some notion that he is fragile and cannot handle an honest conversation about something that is important to you. Just my 2c. Your milage ay vary.

I feel the same way for what it's worth. And I do think that saying that it faces up like a 1.3 because it's deep is a good way to START the talk.

 

[CharmyPoo]

Me 3. You need to talk to him - there is no point keeping it inside for the rest of your life. I was in a similar situation - I saw a picture of the ring by accident and hated it. I ended up talking to him and found out he felt the same way. We decided to wait and see the ring in person - well, it wasn't any better in person (in fact, even worse) and he agreed to do remake.

 

[slg47]

yes, definitely talk to him since you are having doubts...you don't want him to spend this much $$ on something that you don't love!

 

[tuffyluvr]

I suppose I ought to call the jeweler tomorrow. It looks like he picked up the ring Friday before last (the 15th). I'll find out what the exchange policy is and go from there. If it can't be returned, my hands are tied anyway...

 

[CharmyPoo]

I suppose I ought to call the jeweler tomorrow. It looks like he picked up the ring Friday before last (the 15th). I'll find out what the exchange policy is and go from there. If it can't be returned, my hands are tied anyway...

But isn't this sorta going behind his back? If my husband did this to me, I would be upset. I rather he talk to me first.

 

[Gypsy]

I suppose I ought to call the jeweler tomorrow. It looks like he picked up the ring Friday before last (the 15th). I'll find out what the exchange policy is and go from there. If it can't be returned, my hands are tied anyway...

But isn't this sorta going behind his back? If my husband did this to me, I would be upset. I rather he talk to me first.

Yeah. Me too.

Marriage is long term. Things ferment. Then then they slip out. And hurt. Ask Yssie.

And playing the martyr isn't a good healthy thing.

Frankly for me I'd be PISSED because he listened to the advice of a stranger-- this jeweler-- over MY SPECIFIC STATED PREFERENCE.

It has nothing to do with a ring. I'd be pissed if he did this with take out. If I tell him I want a chicken sandwich and the guy behind the counter says I don't like chicken get her a hamburger... and he got me hamburger... WHOA. NOT OKAY.

And that would not sit quietly in my gut. Oh no. Return policy or no... today or ten years from now... at some point that would come out.

 

[LGK]

I suppose I ought to call the jeweler tomorrow. It looks like he picked up the ring Friday before last (the 15th). I'll find out what the exchange policy is and go from there. If it can't be returned, my hands are tied anyway...

But isn't this sorta going behind his back? If my husband did this to me, I would be upset. I rather he talk to me first.

Yeah. Me too.

Marriage is long term. Things ferment. Then then they slip out. And hurt. Ask Yssie.

And playing the martyr isn't a good healthy thing.

Frankly for me I'd be PISSED because he listened to the advice of a stranger-- this jeweler-- over MY SPECIFIC STATED PREFERENCE.

It has nothing to do with a ring. I'd be pissed if he did this with take out. If I tell him I want a chicken sandwich and the guy behind the counter says I don't like chicken get her a hamburger... and he got me hamburger... WHOA. NOT OKAY.

And that would not sit quietly in my gut. Oh no. Return policy or no... today or ten years from now... at some point that would come out.

Pretty much in a nutshell. There's compromise, and then there's totally ignoring one person's input; unfortunately, in this case, the input of the person who will be wearing the ring forever. That... kind of sucks. I do get that jewelers can be very persuasive.

Frankly, I'd just talk to him. Perhaps he'll be hurt, maybe he won't care less. But- it isn't like this is a $3 chicken sandwich! This is $7K, and a ring you'll be looking at for a lonnnnnng time to come. I'd say something. Say it nicely, but heck yes I would say something. Wasting all that money on something you'll have bad feelings about every time you see it? That would be a lot less pleasant IMO.

Good luck!

 

[maplefemme]

I suppose I ought to call the jeweler tomorrow. It looks like he picked up the ring Friday before last (the 15th). I'll find out what the exchange policy is and go from there. If it can't be returned, my hands are tied anyway...

But isn't this sorta going behind his back? If my husband did this to me, I would be upset. I rather he talk to me first.

Yeah. Me too.

Marriage is long term. Things ferment. Then then they slip out. And hurt. Ask Yssie.

And playing the martyr isn't a good healthy thing.

Frankly for me I'd be PISSED because he listened to the advice of a stranger-- this jeweler-- over MY SPECIFIC STATED PREFERENCE.

It has nothing to do with a ring. I'd be pissed if he did this with take out. If I tell him I want a chicken sandwich and the guy behind the counter says I don't like chicken get her a hamburger... and he got me hamburger... WHOA. NOT OKAY.

And that would not sit quietly in my gut. Oh no. Return policy or no... today or ten years from now... at some point that would come out.

I don't think we can lay this all on the jeweler, the OP stated earlier that her boyfriend actually dislikes all of the old cuts himself and the OP agreed to let him pick something that he would like. Seems to me he MAY have stated the jeweler strongly disliked old cuts to give his own personal preference validity. No offense to the OP intended...

 

[Xanthoria]

I have been involved with the ering process, and I told my guy I love old cuts--antique cushions, OMCs, OECs, etc. He came back to me and said that the jeweler he is working with was very strongly opposed to these stones. Im really not sure why. I basically said that I knew he knew what I liked and I trusted the jeweler and I knew they would come up with something great. My guy very much wanted to surprise me, and the jeweler is well-regarded (he made khloé kardashian's amazing ering and the stuff in his shop is fabulous) so I trusted him.

Fast forward to last night: I happened upon the GIA cert for my diamond. And it looks like crap. It's a cushion modified brilliant (not my fave). I could get past that--I really don't want to hurt my guys feelings, but there are some worrying details on the report.

I'm reposting the OP. I've bolded her feeling as she said she's expressed them to her boyfriend about the situation, his desire to be the one to make a good decision (surprise her), and her desire to not hurt him. To now turn around and be "pissed" is a giant leap of emotions that's going to be a big shock to her boyfriend and no doubt cause a fight and some very hurt feelings.

Some of you may be angry if you don't get the diamond ring you require, but sounds to me like the OP doesn't need to be told to behave that way, or to further sneak around behind his back to find out if she can swap it for something "better" (in whose eyes? The trend of the moment?) She would be better counselled to chill and wait and see what it looks like, and love it no matter what because it's an expession of his love and it's done and paid for.

This is not a situation where everyone walks away delighted unless it's handled delicately and they look at the big picture. And if the moment of your engagement goes badly in a fight over a little jewelry, my god - good luck in your marriage! There will be much bigger issues to face than this.

 

[kindred]

I think some people are being too hard on the OP. Maybe she made a mistake in telling her guy that she would love whatever he picked out. So what? If it comes down to a choice between the person who picked out the ring being happy with it and the person who has to wear the ring being happy with it, I'm on the side of the latter. I agree with those who said that the OP not liking her diamond is unlikely to stay a secret forever. It would probably come out eventually, and I would imagine the boyfriend would rather know now than farther down the road when it's too late to do anything about it.

ETA: This is all assuming that the OP sees the diamond and does not like it. There is only one way to find out, though. She needs to see it. If she sees it and likes it, that would be a win-win.

 

[Gypsy]

I do see that the OP was wishy washy. And that led to her being complicit in this issue. But the fact is she's unhappy. These things don't go away when you are staring at the source of your discontent daily. And she should speak to her BF. Even if it is to apologize for being wishy washy when she should have been firm.

 

[yssie]

I have been involved with the ering process, and I told my guy I love old cuts--antique cushions, OMCs, OECs, etc. He came back to me and said that the jeweler he is working with was very strongly opposed to these stones. Im really not sure why. I basically said that I knew he knew what I liked and I trusted the jeweler and I knew they would come up with something great. My guy very much wanted to surprise me, and the jeweler is well-regarded (he made khloé kardashian's amazing ering and the stuff in his shop is fabulous) so I trusted him.

Fast forward to last night: I happened upon the GIA cert for my diamond. And it looks like crap. It's a cushion modified brilliant (not my fave). I could get past that--I really don't want to hurt my guys feelings, but there are some worrying details on the report.

I'm reposting the OP. I've bolded her feeling as she said she's expressed them to her boyfriend about the situation, his desire to be the one to make a good decision (surprise her), and her desire to not hurt him. To now turn around and be "pissed" is a giant leap of emotions that's going to be a big shock to her boyfriend and no doubt cause a fight and some very hurt feelings.

Some of you may be angry if you don't get the diamond ring you require, but sounds to me like the OP doesn't need to be told to behave that way, or to further sneak around behind his back to find out if she can swap it for something "better" (in whose eyes? The trend of the moment?) She would be better counselled to chill and wait and see what it looks like, and love it no matter what because it's an expession of his love and it's done and paid for.

This is not a situation where everyone walks away delighted unless it's handled delicately and they look at the big picture. And if the moment of your engagement goes badly in a fight over a little jewelry, my god - good luck in your marriage! There will be much bigger issues to face than this.

Having just gone through rather the opposite... this topic hits home.

Three years ago DH and I had our first conversation about getting engaged. Which, given that I've been a magpie from birth, naturally turned to The Ring. We, together, decided to spend the "engagement jewellery budget" on a five-stone trellis with graduating stones, handmade, in white gold. He starts designing this ring, and I have no idea.

Fast forward a year.. I'm raving about threestones, and saying that five is just "too busy". And saying that instead of spending the entire amount on the one ring, I'd rather have a set of stuff. DH gets me a threestone in exactly the design I envisioned at the time. I decide I just want the one ring afterall, and DH expresses nothing but support of me doing whatever I want with the ring. Afterall, it's just a ring, right?

I upgrade to a bigger stone and change the setting somewhat. Make plans to spend the remainder on wedding earrings. Loathe the platinum, decide I don't want the earrings, upgrade and change the setting again, back to gold. DH is still supportive of "doing whatever you want", even if his eyes are sore from rolling. This is the ring I'm married in.

Just last week it came out that he's cared very much about my ring all this time. And he's disappointed that I decided not to go with the idea we'd come up with together that very first time we talked. He didn't say anything, all this time, because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I was furious, and hurt - furious that I'd never realized he cared, furious with him for not telling me earlier, furious with myself for not reading his mind. He was horrified he'd come clean and upset that I hadn't ever realized how important the ring was to him (he showed me his drawings). Not a happy several hours, all in all.

We've talked it out, and guess what we're going to do? Change my ring. Into a graduated five-stone trellis in white gold. Handmade isn't an option - I have learnt that the cost of getting it done well would be exorbitant - but, well, close enough. I'm really excited - afterall, we decided on that type because I wanted it, and now I'm just coming full circle apparently! And I'm still getting used to the idea of him being openly interested my ring - he'll sit beside me and look at my pictures and insist that there should be prongs here or that the squiggles there just don't look "right". It's super cute, and really sweet, and we're calling it my first anniversary gift... but I have to say that it would've been SO much nicer (and cheaper!) to have got it right the first time, and been married with it! DH admits he should've told me how he felt up-front, and I admit that I shouldn't have assumed from the get-go that he wouldn't care about jewellery.


So - my advice: TALK to him. Don't assume you know how he feels, and don't assume he knows how YOU feel. Neither of you are mind-readers, and that's okay. My DH planned to just "live with it" - and, well, that didn't exactly work out. Yeah, we're getting our happy ending, but we could've avoided a whole lot of drama along the way!



ETA: LOL. I see Gypsy got to it first.

 

[makhro82]

It seems like between this and the thread I started there is a lot of just take what he gives you and call it a day. Marriage is very much about communication and compromise and I think it can begin with the selection of the ring as well. For people who is doesn't make a big difference to that's fine, but for others where it is important to them it shouldn't be seen that they are "requiring" something because at the end of the day the SO is not "required" to buy it. It is for her and I think that both she and her fiance should be equally pleased (even if his pleasure only comes from giving her something that will make her happy). My SO has a black diamond wedding band. Not my taste, but guess what it was what HE desired so I had it made. Yes arguing or being annoyed about jewelry can be seen as "trivial", however, how many other "trivial" things do you and your SO argue about and I bet it's not nearly as expensive as an engagement ring or long lasting.

 

[CharmyPoo]

It seems like between this and the thread I started there is a lot of just take what he gives you and call it a day.

I didn't read every message but that is completely not what I took away from it. I read that the giver should take into consideration what the receiver wants. In the event, the receiver is not happy - he/she should have a conversation - this is a first step of communication that will be required for the rest of the marriage.

 

[rainydaze]

I suppose I ought to call the jeweler tomorrow. It looks like he picked up the ring Friday before last (the 15th). I'll find out what the exchange policy is and go from there. If it can't be returned, my hands are tied anyway...

But isn't this sorta going behind his back? If my husband did this to me, I would be upset. I rather he talk to me first.

Yeah. Me too.

Marriage is long term. Things ferment. Then then they slip out. And hurt. Ask Yssie.

And playing the martyr isn't a good healthy thing.

Frankly for me I'd be PISSED because he listened to the advice of a stranger-- this jeweler-- over MY SPECIFIC STATED PREFERENCE.

It has nothing to do with a ring. I'd be pissed if he did this with take out. If I tell him I want a chicken sandwich and the guy behind the counter says I don't like chicken get her a hamburger... and he got me hamburger... WHOA. NOT OKAY.

And that would not sit quietly in my gut. Oh no. Return policy or no... today or ten years from now... at some point that would come out.

omg, gypsy, i'm dyin'!!! love that analogy!!

tuffyluvr, add me to the list that talking to him is probably the lesser of all evils here, so long as you can approach it with tact and consideration such that it leads him through the thought process you are having in a way that he doesn't feel attacked.

 

[motownmama]

He wanted very much to surprise her, but she snooped and now doesn't like it! That's the part that bugs me.