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Hello Everyone! I''m new

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wishinpink

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 5, 2008
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587
I''m a little confused-- has he specifically said he will not marry you and has no intention of doing so even if you guys go into a long distance relationship?
 

Blackpaw

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 26, 2008
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2,469
well puppies i think you''re a star. sorry i havent replied til now. Welcome to pricescope of course. I really hope you stick around, and not just while this is going on....
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as for your relationship dilemma im afraid i have to add my voice to the others, go do what makes you happy and allow yourself to be open to meeting someone else... relationships are about give and take, you dont owe him what he himself cant give you...

but welcome anyhoo
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puppies

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 10, 2009
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17
Hi BlackPaws! Thank you for your welcome! Please join in and give me advice. At this point I really need everything I can get.

Date: 3/13/2009 1:08:47 AM
Author: rosebud10
I'm a little confused-- has he specifically said he will not marry you and has no intention of doing so even if you guys go into a long distance relationship?

There has absolutely been no mention of marriage. What. So. Ever.
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That's why I was flabbergasted when he tried getting me to agree to a long distance relationship.

I was not made to become a... "forever girlfriend"!

I've been trying to gauge his reaction since last year. There's no need to discuss marriage directly, because from what I've seen from him, it's really, painfully obvious what he thinks of it. Recent examples: I've mentioned people getting married and he says awful things about marriage in general, how it's "caging" (and related words). He made a bad reaction THREE TIMES when I told him that several of my girl-friends were going to get married, and to each he asks me "she's pregnant isn't she?" and I found myself vexed that his line of thinking is that way. It's quite sad.
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Everything seems so hopeless with him. Now I'm really, really doubting why I'm together with him in the first place. You guys... now I feel even more confused and hurt.
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
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19,456
Awww...I''m sorry you feel that way.

Relationships are hard. They are hard work, and hard to figure out. If it wasn''t hard it wouldn''t be so rewarding at times.

I don''t know that anything I (or anyone!) can say will clarify things, it''s just a matter of thinking about it, or just feeling about it until something pops into place. Sometimes it''s a "I''m going to stick this out. Period." and sometimes it''s a, "Why am I wasting my time. I want out. Like, yesterday." and most of the time you can''t really explain how you reached that conclusion.

Luck and hugs to you. You''ll figure it out.
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AdiS

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 17, 2008
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1,337
OK now, since you asked for it…

First of all, about this whole “dating to have fun” idea. That is fine while you’re actually having fun. I don’t think you are though. Just look at this, honey:

“I know his heart isn''t with me.”
“I''m really, really doubting why I''m together with him in the first place.”
“I may just be resigned to this situation, like the sadness doesn''t make me cry anymore”

That’s all your own words. You seem tortured to me, not happy. Of course, there’s a prefect chance that I may be completely wrong. I don’t know you, I don’t know him and I’m only relying on the info from your posts to draw this conclusion. So if that’s the case, disregard it and I’ll even give you my permission to call me a few bad names under your breath.
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The only advice I’m going to give you is this: we don’t need people in our life who make us miserable. We need people who make us happy. Sometimes you can’t really choose-the grumpy boss as a bonus to you dream job or the evil MIL (God bless her!
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) who comes with the man of your dreams. But sometimes you can choose. And that’s exactly why they say your happiness is in your own hands.
 

BlueSki231

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 21, 2008
Messages
855
Ok so he is kinda young (for a guy) to be thinking about marriage - especially since he''s still trying to get his life together - still in school and has plans to spend time abroad.

Marriage is probably something that will enter his head after he crosses all these things off his list - MAYBE. I think men need to feel somewhat settled in their lives before they can start to think about marriage. But do you really want to stick around and find out? You have already spent 5 years with him.

I really do recommend the book "He''s just not that into you" like someone else did. You''ve already said this but it really seems as though the relationship is uneven. Nothing will keep a man who is crazy in love with you away. You''re gonna KNOW that he wants you and only you and he will make it known he''s planning his life accordingly. And i think you deserve to find that.

Sometimes it''s so hard to walk away - especially when you love him so much and he treats you well. But you guys are at a fork in the road. And it sounds like you''re both headed forward on different paths. If you want a future and he can''t give you one, then you probably need to move on.
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tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,508
Puppies... I only like relationships to be uneven in the love department, when it is in my favor... ie he loves ME more than I love him.
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That worked great while dating... because I was always protected. Doesn''t work with a marriage. You have to both want it, want to make it work.... and NOT want to be apart.

What this boils down to is you. When you are old and wrinkly, will you be happy that you stayed with him through this? even if you don''t stay together. That is the question. I think there is always a love, that you allow to drag on longer than it should. You allow it to slowly die, because you are young, and don''t know how to end it. As you get more experiences in life in general (because this too will apply to JOBS, toxic friendships, etc) you realize, you need to look within yourself, and see if this is needed. If not, you''ll rip off the band-aid and move on.
I think it is easier sometimes to let something die a slow death - but always when looking back, people say, why didn''t we just break up? Start the healing? Then again, it takes THAT experience to say that... sometimes you need one of those - long dragged out dying love affairs. You just do... to know what that feels like.

Here is how I look at things though. I was in a relationship, with someone I loved very very much. I was moving - and he thought he''d be moving with me. I told him, No. I still allowed it to drag along, even though I was already done. I NEEDED him. His friendship, his love. Even though I loved him, I was not IN LOVE with him. Somehow that preposition makes all the difference. But it is true. That feeling is something that is almost impossible to tell another person... that feeling does not really get expressed to the other either - as you are best friends too.... but there is a spark... that IN LOVE spark, where you are willing to put them first and vice versa... my in love spark... well - went out. I knew it went out, and would not be fair to him. It was very very hard to leave.

Then there is the added component that he wouldn''t mind dragging it out further with a long distance relationship. But WOULDNT want you with him. That is what I find odd. Why not? I understand the whole, wanting to experience life... I do. Also, it could always work out...

Sometimes you are with the right person, but it is just the wrong time. I don''t always think waiting can make it the right time - it depends on what makes it the wrong time. If someone feels they are lacking something they need to do on their own - then let them go... and you go on your own way too. If you meet up again, maybe then... it will be the right time.

I know a man and a woman that did this- parted for 3 years while they both experienced life. Turns out... all those life experiences didn''t make them love each other any less. They came back together, and 6 months later, were engaged. Married a year after that... and they have been married now for 2+ years. So things CAN work out... you just have to be able to let things go first. HUGS!
 
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