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Bia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 28, 2008
Messages
6,181
Date: 3/11/2009 11:21:30 PM
Author: elledizzy5
Date: 3/11/2009 11:19:38 PM

Author: puppies

Date: 3/11/2009 11:13:27 PM

Author: Bia

There are so many things I want to highlight, but I can't with this blasted computer!

puppies, please stop. You're breaking my heart now. For me (and for probably a lot of people--but Im talking about me) any man--no matter how hot, rich, good in bed, funny, smart, etc.--that flat out told he wanted me around as to not 'mess up his plans,' AND then HAD THE AUDACITY TO SAY he didn't even plan to keep me around afterward(!), would be ROADKILL.

I'm mad for you and I don't even know you. How terrible...


Oh god! It's so terrible, I know!
38.gif
I shouldn't have said yes!

Now when I think about it... it sucks! My predicament sucks! I hate him for asking me to stay, and I very much want to scold myself for saying yes.

But I really, really love him. I can't even stand not seeing him and hearing from him everyday. Yeah, you're right but I'm already in this mess. But I think it's way out of my control already?
8.gif

Nothing is EVER out of your control when it comes to relationships. EVER
Seriously, I have been there. I know how you feel, and it's NOT love. You may love him, but that obsessive feeling of not being able to leave when he's hurting you... that's not love.

At the risk of sounding seriously cheesy, you can do this.

Listen to Elle, she's a wise one...
 

puppies

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 10, 2009
Messages
17
Thanks everyone, I really don''t mind anyone leaving a sound advice or two. I hate talking about this IRL because I fear I''d sound whiney, so I''m depending on anyone who would just help me get to my senses or something.

All that I can think about while I''m in this relationship is that I''ve learned a lot. Anyway, he''s my first boyfriend (I was 18 when I got together with him and now I''m 23 haha) and it''s really really sad that this will never progress to anything more.

I have a very very bad case of I don''t know how you call it... Just that craving to be engaged. All of my friends are, and I have no idea it could affect me this much!
14.gif
It''s just seems so exciting and wonderful to have something to look forward to.
 

Lauren8211

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 25, 2008
Messages
11,073
Date: 3/11/2009 11:45:54 PM
Author: puppies
Thanks everyone, I really don''t mind anyone leaving a sound advice or two. I hate talking about this IRL because I fear I''d sound whiney, so I''m depending on anyone who would just help me get to my senses or something.


All that I can think about while I''m in this relationship is that I''ve learned a lot. Anyway, he''s my first boyfriend (I was 18 when I got together with him and now I''m 23 haha) and it''s really really sad that this will never progress to anything more.


I have a very very bad case of I don''t know how you call it... Just that craving to be engaged. All of my friends are, and I have no idea it could affect me this much!
14.gif
It''s just seems so exciting and wonderful to have something to look forward to.


I don''t think you''re whiny at all.

I had a similar experience to you. Started dating at 17, broke up at 22. First boyfriend I ever had. He was cheating on me for 3 of those years, and I practically BEGGED him to break up with me. I swore I could never live without him. He walked all over me. Cheated. Abused me. I STILL couldn''t walk away. I put it with it so long I still get mad at myself.

Problem is, when you waste your time with someone like that, you''re missing out on all the wonderful guys out there who want to treat you well.

Less than a year later, I met the guy I''m going to marry next year.

If you need ANY advice at all, I am an expert in this type of stuff since I''ve lived it, and I bet a lot of the other PSers are full of great advice and never mind lending an ear (or in our online case, eye!)

Stay strong lady. Do what is best for YOU!
 

Bia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 28, 2008
Messages
6,181
Date: 3/11/2009 11:45:54 PM
Author: puppies
Thanks everyone, I really don''t mind anyone leaving a sound advice or two. I hate talking about this IRL because I fear I''d sound whiney, so I''m depending on anyone who would just help me get to my senses or something.


All that I can think about while I''m in this relationship is that I''ve learned a lot. Anyway, he''s my first boyfriend (I was 18 when I got together with him and now I''m 23 haha) and it''s really really sad that this will never progress to anything more.


I have a very very bad case of I don''t know how you call it... Just that craving to be engaged. All of my friends are, and I have no idea it could affect me this much!
14.gif
It''s just seems so exciting and wonderful to have something to look forward to.

It IS something wonderful to look forward to, really. It''s fun and suspenseful and glorious when it happens. When it''s with someone you love, who loves you just as much, if not more, it''s indescribable. Us former LIW can''t even do our happiness justice because it''s that amazing...when it''s right.

You deserve to have that. And he only has the right to keep your from that kind of loving relationship if you let LET him.
 

waitingonmyprince

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2009
Messages
6
Hi puppies! I agree you have plenty of time to find Mr. Right (or to let him find you). If you are happy with Mr. Right Now then by all means stay and have fun....but it sounds like this relationship is huring you, which means you should run...not walk away......You sound like a great girl and your BF sounds super-selfish (sorry)

Just cuz you agreed to stay, doesn't me you have to stay (you're not married)....people change their mind all the time.

Good luck to you!
 

Hudson_Hawk

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 2, 2006
Messages
10,541
Puppies, you don''t know me, so by all means, take what I say with a grain of salt.

A very wise woman once told me that a first love is a love of learning. The experience of a first love teaches you how to fall in love, cultivate love, lose/walk away from love, and heal from love. First loves aren''t meant to last, they''re meant to show you your capacity for loving.

I know you love him, but I''m concerned that he hasn''t made the same concessions and compromises in his life for you that you have for him. I know you feel like the writing is on the wall, but I feel like you''re torturing yourself. Why draw things out and put off the inevitable? He sounds like he''s so wrapped up in himself that he doesn''t have any space for you. That''s not fair to you, hun. You deserve better. You deserve a love that fills you with joy with every thought, glance, touch, taste, smell. One that encompasses all senses.

On the surface, from what you''ve told us, the love you have now is superficial. While it may have been all encompassing in the beginning, it''s now being maintained through fear. The fear of loss, of being alone and abandoned. The fear of having to start over by yourself. See, you''re forgetting a major detail here. When your BF goes off to Europe he''s starting a new life. He''ll have his friends. He''s choosing to leave you behind, and in my opinion has already left you feeling abandoned.

IMHO, I think you should start anew tomorrow. Tell bf you want space to get used to not having him there all the time. Get out there and get to know yourself again. Spend time with girlfriends, go out, meet other people (as friends or otherwise, your choice). Just expand your universe so he''s just a small planet instead of a large star. As your on PS now, start researching stones and jewelry as a hobby if it interests you. Maybe a right hand ring would be a fitting tribute to your new independent life!

PS is full of amazing people who are always ready with a caring word or constructive feedback. There are strong personalities on the boards, but we all care for every poster. Know that the responses you read, while some might be hard to read, are written with love and honesty.

Good luck and welcome. I hope to see you around the boards more often!
 

BlueSki231

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 21, 2008
Messages
855
Yup.. your boyfriend does sound pretty selfish.

First loves are sooo hard to walk away from. They seem to last a couple years longer than they should cause you don''t really know any better... I know mine lasted a year or two more than it probably should have. It''s all you know and it''s scary out there (or at least it appears to be). Are you staying because you have maybe an ounce of hope that he''ll change his mind?

It''s kinda strange to me cause you seem kinda detached from the relationship. Like you know it''s pretty much over and not going to lead to a proposal like you want.
You''re not a bad person if you decide to let HIM go. Maybe it''ll be the kick in the pants he needs to realize he can''t live without you and to re-arrange his life accordingly. Or maybe not.. in which case you start your search for Mr. Right who actually INCLUDES you in his future!!!

I just don''t think it''s going to get any easier to say goodbye when it comes time for him to leave. Don''t let him string you along!
But if you can genuinely enjoy your relationship together when you know it''s not going to lead anywhere then just ignore me (and everyone else
12.gif
).
It sounds like a tough situation to be in - I wish you the best!!
 

puppies

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 10, 2009
Messages
17
Oh, wow. That is just awesome. I keep reading that over and over!
It''s really true that it''s a torture for me when I think about him leaving. It''s the leaving part that I dread the most.

Because he''s just so incredible to me. He has never hurt me, never cheated, always takes care of me, calls me on the phone plus calls and texts me all day just to say hi and ask how I''m doing(never wavered in all the years), treats me out every single day, listens wholeheartedly to my problems, never gets seriously angry with me, treats anniversaries and monthsaries seriously, plays with me all the time, makes me laugh, grunts and complains if I buy things he doesn''t pay for, very respectful and polite to my parents and family members.

I just can''t believe he''s going to throw it all away and give it all up. There''s just too much going for us to make me want to give up on him. Ever since he asked me to stay he''s nothing but loving to me even though how crazy I am.

There was a time when I got so clumsy that I hurt my pinkie finger terribly when I was closing his car door (so embarassing), I was bawling when he treated it. I was still crying so he cancelled going to class that night just to tend to me. He cancelled going to his majors because of a pinky finger! @[email protected]

It might be just something, and I really know I love him. I know he loves me, but not, you know, in that way.

Thank you so much for all the posts! Appreciate it so bad.
I now have things I can think about. Maybe I have to walk away, before I get totally hurt.
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Messages
19,456
I think that Hudson_Hawk said it very well.

I too am a victim of the first love curse, and was with my ex from 16-19, with 3 years and 9 months being spent in the actual relationship, and a few years longer than that spent avoiding his phonecalls and telling him that no I wouldn''t see him anymore. He also begged me to stay, but I knew it wasn''t best for me. Our relationship shouldn''t have lasted more than a year, looking back on it now. But in a lot of ways I''m glad that it lasted as long as it did, because it was a huge learning experience, and I got to learn that lesson at a young age.

I''ve always felt that if one person isn''t in the relationship for the future, then perhaps there shouldn''t be a relationship in the first place.

After my incoherent babbling, I just want to say this, you can only do what is right for you. If I had listening to anyone else''s advice, that relationship I had had with my ex would have been over at 6 months instead of lasting as long as it did. So I understand if you stay until he leaves.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
 

brooklyngirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 9, 2007
Messages
1,071
Puppies, I feel so incredibly sad reading your posts. It sounds to me like you''re in an emotionally abusive relationship, and you need to get out NOW. Please, please, please see a counselor who can help you get out of this. I''m not saying this to be mean at all, but my heart just hurts reading your posts!
 

LilyOfTheValley

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 14, 2009
Messages
142
Date: 3/11/2009 11:49:41 PM
Author: elledizzy5
Date: 3/11/2009 11:45:54 PM

Author: puppies

Thanks everyone, I really don't mind anyone leaving a sound advice or two. I hate talking about this IRL because I fear I'd sound whiney, so I'm depending on anyone who would just help me get to my senses or something.



All that I can think about while I'm in this relationship is that I've learned a lot. Anyway, he's my first boyfriend (I was 18 when I got together with him and now I'm 23 haha) and it's really really sad that this will never progress to anything more.



I have a very very bad case of I don't know how you call it... Just that craving to be engaged. All of my friends are, and I have no idea it could affect me this much!
14.gif
It's just seems so exciting and wonderful to have something to look forward to.



I don't think you're whiny at all.


I had a similar experience to you. Started dating at 17, broke up at 22. First boyfriend I ever had. He was cheating on me for 3 of those years, and I practically BEGGED him to break up with me. I swore I could never live without him. He walked all over me. Cheated. Abused me. I STILL couldn't walk away. I put it with it so long I still get mad at myself.


Problem is, when you waste your time with someone like that, you're missing out on all the wonderful guys out there who want to treat you well.


Less than a year later, I met the guy I'm going to marry next year.


If you need ANY advice at all, I am an expert in this type of stuff since I've lived it, and I bet a lot of the other PSers are full of great advice and never mind lending an ear (or in our online case, eye!)


Stay strong lady. Do what is best for YOU!

I'm going to echo everything you said here! My story is similar, too. I dated a guy from the time I was 18 (senior in high school) until I was 21 (junior in college). He treated me so badly, but in a way that you could never realize that he's treating you badly until much later. All I knew was that I was miserable, but there were a few happy times, so I thought that was normal.

He didn't abuse me or anything, but he treated me like I did not matter much and that it was a chore for him to be with me; that he was doing me a favor by talking to or spending time with me, and that I should jump for joy each time he did (and I did jump for joy every time, sadly).

Even then, I still could not walk away.

My only regret now is that I didn't walk away sooner. Of course, I was "only" 21 when we broke up, and that I had plenty of time to meet new guys, but that's not the point, you know? The point is that I wasted time with him at all. During that time with him, I turned down so many nice guys and I missed out on a lot. Less than a year after we broke up, he got engaged and married. It felt really humiliating for me.

Don't waste your time, seriously. Even one day with someone who tells you that there is NO FUTURE, is a waste of time.
 

AdiS

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 17, 2008
Messages
1,337
Puppies, I'm not good with advices and I know perfectly well that you haven't really asked for one. So I'm just going to say that you seem like a lovely person, positive, sweet and obviously completely free of grudge and envy. I think you deserve the same attitude. Your BF seems to care for you in his own way, no denying that.

Avoiding advice giving again, I want to share with you that I never knew complete and utter happiness, until I found love so unconditional and selfless, that I just know deep in my heart it will last forever. Not waiting for it to disappear, to go away, to hurt me just a little bit every single day knowing that it's one day closer to the end, until it finally breaks my heart. That love will not tell you "Please stay, because I want to choose when to leave you." It will tell you "I'll always be there for you" and you'll know it's true.

Stay strong and positive, Puppies. I'm sure you know what's best for you and I hope you find the happiness you deserve!
 

Definitely. Maybe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
582
Welcome Puppies!!

You have received some very sound advice from these wonderful women here at PS.

From your last post, it does sound like he treats you well. No denying that. However, what are YOUR future plans? We know what his are, but what do you want? When do you see yourself getting engaged/married, buying a house, having children, dream job, etc. You really need to stop and figure out what your wants and your needs are and go from there. I think that will really help you to figure out if you still want to be in this relationship.

You seem like a wonderful person! Look forward to ''seeing'' you around PS. :)
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,508
Puppies.

I may be the only one here who is feeling a little angry... NOT SAD. Killing sometime with people along the way having fun... IS FUN, when you know they are just someone to pass the time. You are in an uneven relationship of the I love you more than you love me.

His asking you to stay is the most SELFISH thing I have ever heard. LEAVE NOW. Because once he leaves, he will be surrounded by his friends and good times, and you'll be alone, eating icecream and watching some sappy love movie crying that he is gone and you are alone. I say leave now, because you are WAY TOO IN THIS. You will be DEVESTATED when he leaves. This does not sound to be the case FOR HIM from your description.

I know there are two sides to every story... and the sad part is, most of my friends are guys... that put their buddies first. I see the other side... daily. I know they are all sweet and cuddles with their lady when they are together, but I know it is a complete waste of time.

Now you will know what is best for you, and will do whatever you chose, regardless of what others advise.... but... just so you can see... I will actually post an email from one of my guy buddies who is notorious from stringing girls along. And yes... he is a really nice guy, and the girls talk about how sweet he is... but here's the aftermath... horses mouth....

"So you guys remember that kind of crazly, alcoholic J---- chick that I dated before I moved to XXXXXXX and her parting words to me were "I hope you die out there in that f*cking desert!"???
Anyway, I was having an oral final exam in one of my classes last night and we had small groups of 5 people and we were standing around talking before it was our turn and I found out one of the guys in my group's lst name was XXXXX...same as hers. I asked him if he was related to her and it turns out he's her uncle (this guy is in his 40s). He asked me how I knew her and I told him I dated her about 4 years ago. Then her uncle asked me if I was nice to her and what she would say about me next time he saw her. (Long awkward pause as I'm thinking, "Should I tell him I broke up with her over the phone 3 weeks before I moved away and she told me she hoped I died in the desert and then called me back an hour later begging me to take her with me?") I went with "Yeah, it just didn't work out." "

my response.....

"I'd actually be more interested if you ran into L-----'s uncle in one of your classroom's... that would be a much more AWKWARD situation! J---- was all around party girl crazy .... L------... man you kinda strung her along til the bitter bitter end. Wow, you must admit... you probably should have let her dump you when she caught you with X----. XXXX would have been a lot more fun for the rest of us..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One of your BF's friends could be making this same statement after they move... not about the cheating... but about stringing someone along for THREE YEARS.... when they had no intention of being with them... and YES she wanted to move with him... and HE TOLD HER NO. It was quite sad. And to add salt to "L"'s wound... she gave up all her friends to be with him and his friends. We are his friends, loyal to him, so we don't hang out with her. So she is 100% alone. And he moved, with a bunch of other friends... and is not alone. Got a new girlfriend within 3 weeks of moving. Did he feel bad... not really.
 

princessplease

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
5,496
Puppies-
I am sorry to hear this! If I am overstepping by stating what I think, I completely understand and I apologize in advance. My heart breaks for you, and I wish I could strangle your bf, lol!!

For him to keep you around while knowing he doesn''t want to be with you forever is extremely selfish. It makes me angry that he wants you around for what seems like just wanting your physical presence, and for not wanting to be alone. You deserve a million times more than someone who wants to keep you around for their own selfish reasons.

However, you did say you''re fine with your situation the way it is now. Essentially, it boils down to your happiness, and if you''re happy right now, that''s all that really matters. I''m concerned with how you''ll feel after this situation ends. You''ll have spent some of the best years of your life with someone who had made you fully aware that they have no intentions of being with you long term. Do you think that, looking back on this time in your life years down the line, you''ll be happy with how you spent your early 20''s?

You say he''s incredible to you, and I''m not trying to sound mean, but maybe he acts that way so you don''t gather the courage to up and leave. Treating you like everything is ok is a manipulative tool to keep you to stay because it makes the relationship seem like everything is fine when in reality, it''s not. If he didn''t act like that, and acted aloof and distant, then there may be a reason for you to leave.
 

NovemberBride

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 26, 2006
Messages
962
Puppies,

Welcome to PS. I want to raise something that hasn''t been raised yet on this thread, which is your age. It sounds like your bf is close to your age. Is it possible that your bf does not want to marry you because marriage is just not on his radar yet?

I met my now husband when we were both 23. Marriage was the farthest thing from his mind. His focus was on starting his career, hanging out with his friends and me and generally having a good time. It sounds like these may be your BF''s priorities as well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that (neither is there anything wrong with wanting to get married at 23 or younger, everyone has a different timeline and different goals and priorities depending on their circumstances). But for a lot of people, men especially, they just aren''t thinking marriage at 23. Now, if you really want to get married in the next year or so, he is probably not the one for you. But it may be worth discussing with him whether he ever intends to get married and whether he sees a future for you. I am not trying to give you false hope, but I also want you to realize that there is a good chance it''s not about you per se, but that your BF doesn''t want to marry anyone right now. Which does not make him a bad person. Neither does the fact that he wants to move away and at 23 isn''t ready to commit to moving with someone else. I am very sorry if that makes you feel bad, I am sure I would feel the same way, but it does not make him evil or a bad person. In fact, it sounds like he''s been very honest about his intentions. What you have to do now is decide whether you want to continue in this relationship or not.
 

AdiS

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 17, 2008
Messages
1,337
Date: 3/12/2009 11:40:45 AM
Author: NovemberBride
Puppies,

Welcome to PS. I want to raise something that hasn''t been raised yet on this thread, which is your age. It sounds like your bf is close to your age. Is it possible that your bf does not want to marry you because marriage is just not on his radar yet?

I met my now husband when we were both 23. Marriage was the farthest thing from his mind. His focus was on starting his career, hanging out with his friends and me and generally having a good time. It sounds like these may be your BF''s priorities as well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that (neither is there anything wrong with wanting to get married at 23 or younger, everyone has a different timeline and different goals and priorities depending on their circumstances). But for a lot of people, men especially, they just aren''t thinking marriage at 23. Now, if you really want to get married in the next year or so, he is probably not the one for you. But it may be worth discussing with him whether he ever intends to get married and whether he sees a future for you. I am not trying to give you false hope, but I also want you to realize that there is a good chance it''s not about you per se, but that your BF doesn''t want to marry anyone right now. Which does not make him a bad person. Neither does the fact that he wants to move away and at 23 isn''t ready to commit to moving with someone else. I am very sorry if that makes you feel bad, I am sure I would feel the same way, but it does not make him evil or a bad person. In fact, it sounds like he''s been very honest about his intentions. What you have to do now is decide whether you want to continue in this relationship or not.
Not being ready to commit at this age doesn''t make him bad. Being honest doesn''t make him bad.
Quote "...how it would mess his life and plans if I wasn''t there. He asked me to stay just until he goes away." - Now that''s what makes him bad in my eyes. (Sorry puppies! hugs!!!)
 

NovemberBride

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 26, 2006
Messages
962
Date: 3/12/2009 11:54:18 AM
Author: AdiS

Date: 3/12/2009 11:40:45 AM
Author: NovemberBride
Puppies,

Welcome to PS. I want to raise something that hasn''t been raised yet on this thread, which is your age. It sounds like your bf is close to your age. Is it possible that your bf does not want to marry you because marriage is just not on his radar yet?

I met my now husband when we were both 23. Marriage was the farthest thing from his mind. His focus was on starting his career, hanging out with his friends and me and generally having a good time. It sounds like these may be your BF''s priorities as well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that (neither is there anything wrong with wanting to get married at 23 or younger, everyone has a different timeline and different goals and priorities depending on their circumstances). But for a lot of people, men especially, they just aren''t thinking marriage at 23. Now, if you really want to get married in the next year or so, he is probably not the one for you. But it may be worth discussing with him whether he ever intends to get married and whether he sees a future for you. I am not trying to give you false hope, but I also want you to realize that there is a good chance it''s not about you per se, but that your BF doesn''t want to marry anyone right now. Which does not make him a bad person. Neither does the fact that he wants to move away and at 23 isn''t ready to commit to moving with someone else. I am very sorry if that makes you feel bad, I am sure I would feel the same way, but it does not make him evil or a bad person. In fact, it sounds like he''s been very honest about his intentions. What you have to do now is decide whether you want to continue in this relationship or not.
Not being ready to commit at this age doesn''t make him bad. Being honest doesn''t make him bad.
Quote ''...how it would mess his life and plans if I wasn''t there. He asked me to stay just until he goes away.'' - Now that''s what makes him bad in my eyes. (Sorry puppies! hugs!!!)
I am sorry, I just don''t think him saying "Hey, I''m not ready to commit to this relationship long term since I am moving far away in X months and I don''t see marriage in the near future. But, I really like/love you and enjoy spending time with you and would like to keep dating until I move" makes him bad. I think there''s nothing wrong with dating to have fun in your early 20''s if that''s what you want. I am not someone who thinks you should break up with someone (especially at an early age) just because you aren''t planning to get married. But, if Puppies feels differently, or she would rather end things now because it will be harder to do it when he leaves, or if being in the relationship makes her feel bad, then she should consider ending the relationship.
 

sammyj

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
1,247
Date: 3/12/2009 12:06:00 PM
Author: NovemberBride

Date: 3/12/2009 11:54:18 AM
Author: AdiS


Date: 3/12/2009 11:40:45 AM
Author: NovemberBride
Puppies,

Welcome to PS. I want to raise something that hasn''t been raised yet on this thread, which is your age. It sounds like your bf is close to your age. Is it possible that your bf does not want to marry you because marriage is just not on his radar yet?

I met my now husband when we were both 23. Marriage was the farthest thing from his mind. His focus was on starting his career, hanging out with his friends and me and generally having a good time. It sounds like these may be your BF''s priorities as well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that (neither is there anything wrong with wanting to get married at 23 or younger, everyone has a different timeline and different goals and priorities depending on their circumstances). But for a lot of people, men especially, they just aren''t thinking marriage at 23. Now, if you really want to get married in the next year or so, he is probably not the one for you. But it may be worth discussing with him whether he ever intends to get married and whether he sees a future for you. I am not trying to give you false hope, but I also want you to realize that there is a good chance it''s not about you per se, but that your BF doesn''t want to marry anyone right now. Which does not make him a bad person. Neither does the fact that he wants to move away and at 23 isn''t ready to commit to moving with someone else. I am very sorry if that makes you feel bad, I am sure I would feel the same way, but it does not make him evil or a bad person. In fact, it sounds like he''s been very honest about his intentions. What you have to do now is decide whether you want to continue in this relationship or not.
Not being ready to commit at this age doesn''t make him bad. Being honest doesn''t make him bad.
Quote ''...how it would mess his life and plans if I wasn''t there. He asked me to stay just until he goes away.'' - Now that''s what makes him bad in my eyes. (Sorry puppies! hugs!!!)
I am sorry, I just don''t think him saying ''Hey, I''m not ready to commit to this relationship long term since I am moving far away in X months and I don''t see marriage in the near future. But, I really like/love you and enjoy spending time with you and would like to keep dating until I move'' makes him bad. I think there''s nothing wrong with dating to have fun in your early 20''s if that''s what you want. I am not someone who thinks you should break up with someone (especially at an early age) just because you aren''t planning to get married. But, if Puppies feels differently, or she would rather end things now because it will be harder to do it when he leaves, or if being in the relationship makes her feel bad, then she should consider ending the relationship.
I would say there''s a big difference between a couple who is just beginning their relationship and want to stick it out for another few months and just let it fizzle out and a couple who has been together for FIVE years and have already displayed a serious love and commitment towards one another. Most PSers will agree that five years is plenty of time for a person to know whether or not they want to spend the rest of their life with someone. The fact that he KNOWS he wants to be single when he moves is enough reason for me to walk away. I know it''s much easier said than done.

Sure, he loves you and treats you like a princess, but is he really listening to what your wants and needs are? Puppies, you obviously dream of getting married in the future, please don''t postpone or throw away your dreams for someone who clearly has no intention to fulfill them, or even recognize them for that matter.
 

Iowa Lizzy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 2, 2008
Messages
1,667
Hi Puppies,

I know what you''re going through. I dated a guy in college who had plans to move to San Francisco about a year after we started dating. He made it perfectly clear he intended to move "single." I dated him all the way until he left for the airport. Big regrets there. Why did I waste my time? Where was the LIW board back then?
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You need to go out and buy two books. "He''s just not that into you" and "It''s called a break-up because it''s broken." These two books have helped me SO MUCH. I know they''ve helped countless other girls in similar situations. In the end though, only you can make these decisions for yourself.

And remember, we''re here for you.

Liz
 

NovemberBride

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 26, 2006
Messages
962
Well, I would agree
Date: 3/12/2009 12:39:48 PM
Author: sammyj

Date: 3/12/2009 12:06:00 PM
Author: NovemberBride


Date: 3/12/2009 11:54:18 AM
Author: AdiS



Date: 3/12/2009 11:40:45 AM
Author: NovemberBride
Puppies,

Welcome to PS. I want to raise something that hasn''t been raised yet on this thread, which is your age. It sounds like your bf is close to your age. Is it possible that your bf does not want to marry you because marriage is just not on his radar yet?

I met my now husband when we were both 23. Marriage was the farthest thing from his mind. His focus was on starting his career, hanging out with his friends and me and generally having a good time. It sounds like these may be your BF''s priorities as well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that (neither is there anything wrong with wanting to get married at 23 or younger, everyone has a different timeline and different goals and priorities depending on their circumstances). But for a lot of people, men especially, they just aren''t thinking marriage at 23. Now, if you really want to get married in the next year or so, he is probably not the one for you. But it may be worth discussing with him whether he ever intends to get married and whether he sees a future for you. I am not trying to give you false hope, but I also want you to realize that there is a good chance it''s not about you per se, but that your BF doesn''t want to marry anyone right now. Which does not make him a bad person. Neither does the fact that he wants to move away and at 23 isn''t ready to commit to moving with someone else. I am very sorry if that makes you feel bad, I am sure I would feel the same way, but it does not make him evil or a bad person. In fact, it sounds like he''s been very honest about his intentions. What you have to do now is decide whether you want to continue in this relationship or not.
Not being ready to commit at this age doesn''t make him bad. Being honest doesn''t make him bad.
Quote ''...how it would mess his life and plans if I wasn''t there. He asked me to stay just until he goes away.'' - Now that''s what makes him bad in my eyes. (Sorry puppies! hugs!!!)
I am sorry, I just don''t think him saying ''Hey, I''m not ready to commit to this relationship long term since I am moving far away in X months and I don''t see marriage in the near future. But, I really like/love you and enjoy spending time with you and would like to keep dating until I move'' makes him bad. I think there''s nothing wrong with dating to have fun in your early 20''s if that''s what you want. I am not someone who thinks you should break up with someone (especially at an early age) just because you aren''t planning to get married. But, if Puppies feels differently, or she would rather end things now because it will be harder to do it when he leaves, or if being in the relationship makes her feel bad, then she should consider ending the relationship.
I would say there''s a big difference between a couple who is just beginning their relationship and want to stick it out for another few months and just let it fizzle out and a couple who has been together for FIVE years and have already displayed a serious love and commitment towards one another. Most PSers will agree that five years is plenty of time for a person to know whether or not they want to spend the rest of their life with someone. The fact that he KNOWS he wants to be single when he moves is enough reason for me to walk away. I know it''s much easier said than done.

Sure, he loves you and treats you like a princess, but is he really listening to what your wants and needs are? Puppies, you obviously dream of getting married in the future, please don''t postpone or throw away your dreams for someone who clearly has no intention to fulfill them, or even recognize them for that matter.
I would agree that might be true if you are older, but I think it is entirely possible to date someone for a long period of time when you are young and undergoing a lot of life changes and not know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. I think that that''s actually a fact that a lot of PS''ers would agree with as well. I dated a very wonderful man from 18-22 (basically the entire time I was in college and for a short while thereafter). I loved him very much and we displayed "a serious love and commitment", but I was not ready to marry him and we didn''t really discuss it seriously. That does not mean we didn''t love each other, we just weren''t at that place in our lives yet. I am certain that if I had met my DH at 18, I would not have been ready to know if I wanted to marry him at 23, because at 23 I did not yet know who I was. Again, this is not a ding against anyone who gets married young or wants to, I am just trying to give an example of a situation where it is possible to date someone for a long time at a young age and not know if you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

I am not in any way suggesting Puppies throw away her dreams, and in this case given his impending move, this relationship is probably not going to end in marriage, so Puppies needs to weigh her needs and decide what is the best thing for her to do. I am just saying its not that crazy to imagine someone who''s 23 not knowing what they want to do with the rest of their lives, even having been with someone for a long period of time.
 

sammyj

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
1,247
Date: 3/12/2009 1:44:47 PM
Author: NovemberBride
Well, I would agree

I would agree that might be true if you are older, but I think it is entirely possible to date someone for a long period of time when you are young and undergoing a lot of life changes and not know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. I think that that''s actually a fact that a lot of PS''ers would agree with as well. I dated a very wonderful man from 18-22 (basically the entire time I was in college and for a short while thereafter). I loved him very much and we displayed ''a serious love and commitment'', but I was not ready to marry him and we didn''t really discuss it seriously. That does not mean we didn''t love each other, we just weren''t at that place in our lives yet. I am certain that if I had met my DH at 18, I would not have been ready to know if I wanted to marry him at 23, because at 23 I did not yet know who I was. Again, this is not a ding against anyone who gets married young or wants to, I am just trying to give an example of a situation where it is possible to date someone for a long time at a young age and not know if you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

I am not in any way suggesting Puppies throw away her dreams, and in this case given his impending move, this relationship is probably not going to end in marriage, so Puppies needs to weigh her needs and decide what is the best thing for her to do. I am just saying its not that crazy to imagine someone who''s 23 not knowing what they want to do with the rest of their lives, even having been with someone for a long period of time.
Ok, yes, I definitely see your point. I think I forgot how old Puppies was, because yes, age does play a factor in some cases. What really sticks out in her posts though is that she WANTS to get married and she WANTS to find the man of her dreams. And yet she has to suppress her wants because her BF has asked to her stick around until he leaves? I couldn''t agree more that Puppies needs to decide what''s best for her and we can''t tell her what that is. I just want to urge her to put herself first.

I also agree with Iowa_Lizzy...He''s Just Not That Into You was an inspirational book for me back in the day! A few weeks after reading that book I met my FI!
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wishinpink

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 5, 2008
Messages
587
Puppies, welcome!! =)

I''ve read through the thread and just wanted to give my 2 cents..

He sounds like he''s very good to you- action- wise. However, if he TRULY cared about you.. he would not ask you to stay in a dead-end relationship where he is getting all that he wants, and then leaving. That is so selfish of him!

Like everyone else advising you- start expanding your horizons now, and distance yourself from him. When you have built up a strong enough support network, leave him. You''ll be able to look back and be proud of standing up for yourself!

This is so hard! =( I''m sorry you have to go through this!
 

Tuckins1

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 13, 2008
Messages
8,614
Date: 3/11/2009 11:03:25 PM
Author: puppies
No bounds stepped at all!
5.gif
Gosh yeah I would love that. Well, actually when my bf talked to me about his future plans going away, working abroad with his close buddies and travel the world whatnot (which was utterly painful to hear if you can imagine) I asked him to let me go. He knows it's not fair that I should be with a guy who has no space for me in his future. I cried that night so bad in his car but he pleaded if I would just stick it out with him, because he just can't do without me and said something about how it would mess his life and plans if I wasn't there. He asked me to stay just until he goes away. I was just too in love with him to say NO.


Plz kill my bf! He's evil! LOL!
41.gif



I'm sure you're all wondering why I'm wandering around here, in the middle of ladies with rocks so brilliant its blinding. I have to come clean and say that I currently this weird craving for getting engaged. It gives me so much happiness to see other women in love and engaged to the love of their lives.


Weird, I know.
5.gif

I did this with an ex some years ago- He was the love of my life (at the time). He had all of these plans to travel the world and was the kind of person who would just pick up and move to another country and do whatever work he could find... I started a relationship with him, even though I knew he was just going to leave. It hurt a lot... I cried for weeks after he left, couldn't get out of bed, was really depressed. After years of pining for him, I decided to move on. Even though he came back every once in a while and my heart still yearned for him, I knew it was not the life I wanted. Thank goodness I let go of him, because now I have the best man EVER!!!! All that being said- I can relate to your situation. Enjoy your time with your love while he's here, but don't rule out anything!! Welcome to PS!!
 

puppies

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 10, 2009
Messages
17
Wow, thank you so much to all of you for every single post. I really appreciate it, you can''t even believe. I''ve read every single thing and I see incredible advice that people close to me should have said (if I said my problem to them!), and very valid points that got me thinking.

Miss Hudson said Tell bf you want space to get used to not having him there all the time. Get out there and get to know yourself again. I told him this and he told me it''s not "like that", and he mentioned about him leaving was "still for a long time". I guess he doesn''t realize that it''s painful to me. He often perceives that I am hypersensitive, but it does really hurt a lot, Just like what Miss AdiS said, "waiting for it to disappear, to go away, to hurt me just a little bit every single day knowing that it''s one day closer to the end, until it finally breaks my heart." which is really true in my case. Miss TLH thanks for that post, I was so sickened by the story you told, and I''m actually afraid. What if he thinks that way of me?
8.gif
I wouldn''t know. Who even knows what guys are thinking???

My boyfriend and I are both 23 years old, older than me by a few months. We both come from a well-rounded family, but his lifestyle is kind of different from mine. His parents aren''t wealthy, but they get around considerably. My side is kind of not wealthy AT ALL, and we''re used to sacrificing a lot, working extra hard, and struggling to get by. We grew up in different ways.

But I have an inkling of why he doesn''t really want to "get serious like that". He''s a super sweet guy but I know his heart isn''t with me. His heart is into making a career for himself and working hard to make a name for himself. Both I wholeheartedly accept, and very much admire. We both want something the same (career, house, wealth) but what''s different is inorder for him to attain that, he has to move away from the country (his mom is working in Switzerland, head of some company, and he''s going to go there). He''s worked for it, dedicated his education to pursue that goal. I''m the last person to ask him to stay and forgo all his dreams. It''s an insult to him and to all that he has worked hard for.

I understand everything, and I have resigned to accept. No, I''m not sticking it out just "in case he changes his mind". I have no fantasy whatsoever that he''s going to turn around and change his lifeplan for me. Or even involve me in anything in his future life.

Though I might agree that I stay with him for the duration that he''s here, and that we''re just going to "have fun". I love him and nothing''s going to change that. But I have decisively and angrily said NO when he asked that if he leaves abroad we''re going to continue our relationship (LONG DISTANCE! LOL!) I have no idea why he suggested that. I told him that we were going to break up by then. He pleaded, promised me that he was going to come back to me every 3 months. I said NO. It wasn''t going to work.

We''re still together, but not for long. I hope I won''t make much of a mess of myself when I say goodbye.

Well that prolly ends my story.
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princesss

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
8,035
Wait a minute, he asked to stay with you after he moves, and you said no?

That changes things considerably. In that case it''s really you rejecting him and being unwilling to make this work, isn''t it?
 

puppies

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 10, 2009
Messages
17
Date: 3/12/2009 8:48:36 PM
Author: princesss
Wait a minute, he asked to stay with you after he moves, and you said no?


That changes things considerably. In that case it's really you rejecting him and being unwilling to make this work, isn't it?

I really, really, really, don't believe in long distance relationships. He doesn't too, if I recall correctly.
It would just simply make the whole thing much worse if I stay with him, knowing that he has no plans for us, and much time wasted in my part.
 

princesss

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
8,035
Date: 3/12/2009 8:56:28 PM
Author: puppies
Date: 3/12/2009 8:48:36 PM

Author: princesss

Wait a minute, he asked to stay with you after he moves, and you said no?



That changes things considerably. In that case it''s really you rejecting him and being unwilling to make this work, isn''t it?


I really, really, really, don''t believe in long distance relationships.

But still, this is your choice.
 

puppies

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 10, 2009
Messages
17
Date: 3/12/2009 8:58:38 PM
Author: princesss
Date: 3/12/2009 8:56:28 PM

Author: puppies

Date: 3/12/2009 8:48:36 PM


Author: princesss


Wait a minute, he asked to stay with you after he moves, and you said no?




That changes things considerably. In that case it's really you rejecting him and being unwilling to make this work, isn't it?



I really, really, really, don't believe in long distance relationships.


But still, this is your choice.

It was also my choice to stay with him until he goes. But I refuse to go on a long distance relationship with him knowing that he has no plans for us, and much,much more time wasted in my part.

Ugh, it's really confusing for me
5.gif
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Messages
19,456
So essentially, you know his career plans come ahead of you and what you want, and yet he still wants to stay together, even though he''s leaving, but neither one of you want to participate in a long distance relationship, but he still asked you anyway?

I would say "No" too. He''s made a lot of choices that don''t include you, and he seems to have made it blatantly clear that he''s not interested in making it work in the long term and by saying no you''re trying to protect your heart from the almost inevitable breakup.

Yes it is complicated. Very much so. But you both have made choices here, and it doesn''t seem like this relationship is meant to last (at least at this point) in the long term. I don''t envy your situation at all.

(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
 
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