Has a former friend or partner ever wanted you back?

[Jambalaya]

Reading about your j thing, my first big crush in college, we dated for a month and I actual broke it off, because it was painfully obvious I liked him so much more than he liked me, I was trying to save myself some future heartache. It still took me a long time to get completely over him.Anyways what was funny he then started dating someone from another college. Who happened to have the same hair color (and general haircut), same major, and even the same first name as me. I guess it could be coincidence.

Yes! I've done that, too! Twice, I was with guys who I really, really liked, but it was painfully obvious they weren't as into me. Both would have been happy to have sex, though - but although I was really into them, I didn't sleep with either of them, because it would have ended badly for me, emotionally.

Weird story about the guy going with your doppelganger! Maybe you shocked him with the dumping, and you're the one who got away!

 

[missy]

Reading about your j thing, my first big crush in college, we dated for a month and I actual broke it off, because it was painfully obvious I liked him so much more than he liked me, I was trying to save myself some future heartache. It still took me a long time to get completely over him.Anyways what was funny he then started dating someone from another college. Who happened to have the same hair color (and general haircut), same major, and even the same first name as me. I guess it could be coincidence.

Yes that could be coincidence...one time. It creeped me out at that time because my friend D told me every single girl he dated after me for years had a similar appearance to me. And after a few months he broke it off with every single one because he kept comparing them to me. D was privy to it all since her DH was J's best friend. I told her stop telling me please because I was feeling very bad about the entire thing. He was just obsessed for some unknown reason. We didn't date that long!

It sucks when one partner feels so much more love than the other partner. Someone once told me there is always one partner who loves a bit more but when it becomes crazy lopsided that is very unhealthy. You did the right thing breaking it off before it became a much bigger deal.

It reminds me of another boy I dated, this one for over a year. He was sweet and smart and sensitive. He was a vegan and he loved animals and he was so so kind and gentle and generous too. He was/is an artist who loved to cook (all my boyfriends loved to cook-I swear it wasn't on purpose that I ended up with men who cooked but lucky me lol). Anyway he was my first (adult) love. My parents were crazy about him too. But after dating for over a year I realized I would never have the same intense feelings for him that he had for me. I took too long to break that relationship off. It was always hard for me ending a relationship because I hated being the bearer of bad news. I was always hoping they would reach that conclusion before I had to be the one to break it off. I cannot remember one relationship that the boy ended. It always fell to me to end the relationships and it took its toll. So yeah I waited too long with the artist. Way too long and I still think about that at times. He was very hurt and I never made that mistake again. I learned from it and when I knew it was over after that I ended it much more quickly and humanely. Yeah I could have done things better with him. I hope he is well and happy. I haven't spoken with him since that day almost 3 decades ago.

 

[Jambalaya]

As for platonic friends, I used to be pretty cutthroat about burning bridges once I've been wronged, but people keep telling me to forgive and forget blahblahblah. I had one friend for years who I absolutely adored and would do anything for. Problem was. she was a habitual liar and a huge flake. I finally had enough one day and stopped responding to her as much. But when my wedding started coming around, I thought fondly of her and sent her an invite. She accepted and flaked 3 days before the wedding, calling me at work and making up some huge bullshit story that didnt ad up in anyway. What a mistake. Some people never change. For those kinds of people, I pretty much just try to remember them for the good times and as shitty as it sounds, they are dead to me. Because I don't want to stay mad or upset at what they did- I'm going to remember the good times fondly and say it's a shame they are out of my life, but oh well.

That's definitely the best way to deal with so-called friends like that. It's SUCH a pity when someone who has been a good friend makes it impossible to stay friends due to their unacceptable behavior. I feel exactly the same way as the bolded part. At this time of year I reflect what a pity it is that my friend and I couldn't stay friends, but I'm glad for what we had, and oh well. Life goes on and there are millions more people to be friends with.

 

[missy]

Awwww, Missy, that's so nice! You and Greg are MFEO!

Aww I had to google that and love it, thanks! MFEO indeed!
I love him with my whole heart and every fiber of my being.

 

[Jambalaya]

Oh, what a lovely photo! Makes my heart as warm and toasty as that fire. Thanks for sharing!

 

[OreoRosies86]

Yes, not really friends but a few romantic partners. I’ve managed to stay great friends with one ex but it was ONLY because he was incredibly kind and persistent in pursuing my friendship after. We went through a really difficult parting (we wanted to be together at multiple points but one of us always wasn’t ready at those points).

We did the “let’s get back together!” dance for way longer than we should have. I went through a long time where I had a really “all or nothing” attitude. Although we both eventually moved on I resented him for moving on

He’s now one of my dearest friends and I can honestly say the romantic feelings have subsided to the point I would NEVER see us as a couple anymore. We are completely different people in temperament, spirituality, lifestyle. I think we both knew it the entire time and it took me way longer to catch up.

It is a good friendship that has enriched my life. I’m glad I stopped being closed off to the possibility that the relationship had changed. If he had been cruel or abusive during our time together I wouldn’t have entertained the idea.

 

[asscherisme]

Yes! I dated someone from 17 to 20 and then I broke up with him right before I turned 21 because he moved and I didn't want long distance. I regretted it and waited almost 2 years later and called him, but he was living with his girlfriend (who later became his wife) She answered the phone. She apparently knew who I was when I called because she was jealous when she found photos and letters I had sent him. He didn't find out I called until after he was married. She didn't tell him until after when they were in a fight. 30 years later he told me if he knew I had called to try and see if we could work things out he would have never gotten married. He tried to call me before his marriage but my number was unlisted at the time (it was the early 90's) and it was much harder to find people if you were out of town. He called my employer but could not get through (I worked for a highly secure place that did not give out personal info).

He and I both had long term marriages and kids and divorced. We were both deeply unhappy in our marriages and both thought of the other often and wondered "what if". Two years ago, he emailed me out of the blue. I thought my heart would explode.

Turns out all those years I had thought of him as the one who got away, he was having the same thoughts about me. Both of us could not get each other out of our heads. I had wondered during those years if I was thinking of him only because he was an example of how happy I could be in a relationship but it was in the past, or if there was something still there. We both admitted googling each other over the years and both figured out we were married so never contacted each other.

He had googled me and saw I went back to my maiden name so he thought I may be divorced.

Both of us would never have engaged conversation if we thought the other was married.

We emailed for about a month, then talked on the phone and it was crazy; hearing his voice brought back so much. Butterflies like I was 17.

Then we got together in person. Almost 30 years since we saw each other last. And it was crazy amazing.It was surreal seeing him after all that time. Amazing and surreal.

And we have been together again for two years. Still butterflies. He accepts me for who I am, crazy flaws and all. I can be myself around him without filters.

So, we have known each other since 17. Dated for 3 years, apart for almost 30, and have been back together for 2. He knows I am terrified of marriage after my awful marriage. I know his dream is to marry me, but he is very respectful that I am not comfortable with that idea and in no way pressures me(although I know he hopes i will change my mind). He is just happy to be with me.

I have never had such a connection with anybody else and it is crazy insane to me that I am back with my first love. I was his first love too. Insane that all those years I felt pathetic pining for him, he was doing the same for me. Funny thing is that we both feel like we are the lucky one to be with each other.

 

[mrs-b]

I try to never burn bridges. I have a huge group of people who I would describe as friendly acquaintances. Almost anyone can squeeze into that group. Doesn't make them close and it doesn't make them important. But I don't like the idea of being unable to get along with people on at least a socially convivial level.

Having said that, tho, there *are* some people who have totally fallen off my radar and some who were shoved. Because I'm so slow to end relationships, I don't regret the ones I've lost, and they're never the sorts of relationships where they might come back wanting to rekindle anything.

 

[mom2dolls]

@asscherisme we have similar stories!! So happy for you.

My hubby and I were friends 22 years ago. We hung out in the same large group of friends, went out every night all together. We knew we liked each other but could never quite get on the same page at the same time. We were young.

I met and married my girls father, moved to another city. I would hear how he was doing from mutual friends. Every few years I would run into him at a restaurant or Target, where he literally ran from me and acted like he didn't know it was me. After my first marriage ended, I lived with my girls in Iowa. I had just joined Facebook in 2009. I found him and sent him a message. Honestly just reaching out to an old friend, expecting him to be married with littles running around. Took him four days to answer me. We have been inseparable since. In November, it will be 11 years since he took a chance and boarded the airplane to see me for the first time again. He is the best person I know. I would be lost without him.

 

[asscherisme]

mom2dolls, that is so awesome. I am happy for you too!

 

[cmd2014]

I am still on friendly terms with many ex-bf's but I am not in regular contact with any of them. I've also tended to be pretty forgiving of people in my life, so where friendships have ended, they have tended to drift away slowly rather than because of anything dramatic. I'd like to say that if someone hurt me terribly I would not invite them back into my life, but now I'm not so sure.

I took my DH back after he left me without warning after Christmas of this year. We are trying to work things out. Sometimes I am hopeful. Sometimes I am so hurt and angry that I am only able to see the flaws in our relationship and not the good things worth fighting for. Sometimes I think we are too far gone to fix. As far as I know, there wasn't another woman and he didn't cheat on me - he has been struggling with a lot of stuff. Work stress, undiagnosed and untreated anxiety and depression, a tendency to avoid problems until they are a crisis, a probable mid life crisis, some difficult feelings because he sees me as being more professionally successful than him, which is hard for him to accept during times when he feels like he is struggling in his career. He also regularly puts his job ahead of me. He always has. He says it's just the way his job is, but honestly, I don't think it really is - I think it's just his anxiety and insecurity and inability to say no to anyone at work that has made this be the way it is. It has always been a point of friction. So some days I hope that if he can work to resolve those things, we will be able to address what happened with us (because I am still terribly hurt and not sure I can trust him again). Some days I wonder if this is just who he actually is and I turned a blind eye to it all over all of these years. Most days I think it's probably somewhere in the middle.

Part of me knows I should pack it in. But I'm having a hard time letting go of 20+ years of history and if I am being honest, the idea of starting all over again is exhausting just when we have finally gotten to a place of being comfortable in life and a few years from being able to retire. And he's my family and I do love him. But there's also a little voice inside of me that misses being loved and cared for like I should be, and it's been a long time since I was (it's probably been 10 years that DH has been struggling with his stuff, and he's been incredibly resistant to seeking help until now).

So a year ago I probably would have been in team cut your losses, grieve and move on. Right now that's not feeling so easy.

 

[missy]

@cmd2014 don't be hard on yourself. This is not an easy choice and there is no clear cut right or wrong. Continue doing what you're doing and taking it one day at a time and see where it goes. You share a lifetime with him and no one can judge you or your relationship. You'll figure it out in time. I have no doubt. Sending you gentle hugs and well wishes.

 

[Jambalaya]

cmd, I'm so sorry. Big, big hugs to you xxx

 

[asscherisme]

cmd, I'm so sorry. Big, big hugs to you xxx

cmd, I am sorry you are in pain now. The decision of when to leave a marriage is not an easy one. I know the struggle and you wonder if the pain of staying is scarier than the unknown of leaving.

I agree with others, please be gentle on yourself. Under non-pandemic circumstances, I would suggest trying to talk to a neutral third party. When I was struggling on weather to stay in my marriage or get a divorce, talking to an LCSW really helped. It offered a perspective I could not get when I was deep in the situation. And one my friends and family could not give.

Big Hugs.

 

[cmd2014]

Thanks everyone. This has not been easy - I would never have said a year ago (or even 6 months ago) that this is where we would be. We did connect with a MMFT who was awesome and we plan to go back once we are able to. She is the one who finally convinced him to seek help.

I am seeing flashes of having my DH back as the medication he is on is slowly starting to take effect. He is only on week 3, but I can see definite improvement. On days when I can see it I can feel hopeful. On days when I can't is when it's hard. I think it creeps in so slowly and takes over so completely that it's hard to tell what is the depression and what is him sometimes. I could honestly say in the middle of the worst part of this that I did not know who this man was who I was living with. There was just nothing left inside of him that was him. My sweet, caring, kind, funny, goofy, unfailingly supportive (but somewhat disorganized and at times frustrating) DH had turned into this cold, hostile stranger living in my house. It's such a relief to see that change. I was seriously doubting my own judgement for a while there. I still think we have a long way to go. Today was just a better day.

In the end, regardless of what happens, I think at least I will have peace of mind knowing that I have done everything in my power to mend what was broken. That's important to me. If it doesn't work out, I am ok with that. At least I will know that I tried.

 

[Elizabeth35]

Cmd-I’m sorry you are going through this.
Men can be extremely resistant to getting help, whether a counselor/therapist or meds.
Living with a depressed man in mid life crisis mode is a living nightmare.
Make sure you take care of yourself. And get counseling for YOU.
It’s great to be a supportive spouse but don’t go down with the ship. Sounds as if he needs to sort his stuff out first, the. You can address marriage issues.

 

[Elizabeth35]

Sorry-you can address marriage issues once he gets himself and his depression sorted.
Unfortunately, in my experience Many men resist taking meds for depression. They complain they make them feel weird or different (because they don’t know what NOT being depressed feels like).
So they frequently quit the meds way too soon. I think they are used to feeling a certain way and the meds don’t feel normal to them. It’s as if they can’t let go of their depression if that makes any sense. They hang on to what feels normal for them.
And a depressed male typically presents as angry. And not easy to live with!

 

[cmd2014]

So we are back to him saying he wants out. He's on week 4 of the medication and he was due back from his trip and he started avoiding my calls. He can't see that he's feeling any better, he's still pretty convinced that his unhappiness stemmed from me (because he still can't admit that maybe he has been depressed and that this might have coloured how he has been perceiving things), and despite only having 2 therapy appointments before the pandemic hit, he's convinced that he has "tried." I'm exhausted. I'm hurt. I'm more sad than I can say. I had hoped that the best version of him was coming back to me, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. My sister said to me that I have to accept that I tried, but he may never become well and he may never want to reconcile and that I should probably stop letting someone who is unstable have this much control over my mental health and life. I'm not ready, but I don't think I have a choice.

 

[JPie]

@cmd2014 I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I believe your sister when she says that you tried, but unless he does too, then you can't move forward together. I'm sorry he's not able to be the partner you deserve right now.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

I am sorry, @cmd2014 ((hugs))

 

[arkieb1]

I'm sorry @cmd2014 - I'm going to say something that a very good counsellor once said to me, I can't "fix" anyone else, I cannot change their behaviour, the only thing I can change is the way I react to their behaviour.

If he wants to leave, let him, I know it's sad and it hurts but he will either stay in a cycle of depression in which case you are better off not being around that, or he will get his s@#* together and sort himself out, in which case he might then be worth being around once again.

Take care of yourself first for a change and allow him to sort his own issues out, because trying to force someone into changing that doesn't want to change is never going to end well.

 

[Jambalaya]

cmd, I had the exact same issue with my ex-husband. He had struggled with terrible depression all his life, and during our marriage, as time went on, he became CONVINCED that it was because of me. Before he met me, he was CONVINCED it was the town he lived in, and he moved heaven and earth to make a new life somewhere else. When the move only solved things temporarily, he needed a new target to blame - me.

In my case, I was lucky because he did get on meds and they did really help. Even so, he had a breakdown at one point during which, again, he became CONVINCED it was down to me, and he left me.

We got back together and eventually we divorced for other reasons.

People with this kind of entrenched depression, which is really a part of their fabric, live in a hall of mirrors where they have no idea what's going on, emotionally, no idea what emotions are real and reasonable, and what's because of the illness. The impression I had of my ex's illness was that it had him in a vice grip and it was making a fool of him. Caused him problems at work, etc. The only thing I can suggest is that two different types of antidepressants may be needed. My ex was on a combo treatment - Wellbutrin in the morning and Prozac at night.

I think you, and everyone, deserves better than to be on this rollercoaster and to be a good, faithful wife - as I was - and then to be BLAMED for another person feeling so desperately awful. I struggled to get past the sheer insult of that. I knew I was a good, fun person who wouldn't hurt a fly, and who many men would have felt lucky to have. I'm sure the same is true of you, too. Ultimately, I just saw his behaviour as completely ridiculous.

Just know that this is NOT your fault. And also know that there is a whole other world out there of wonderful, fun men xxxx

 

[Phoenix]

cmd, I had the exact same issue with my ex-husband. He had struggled with terrible depression all his life, and during our marriage, as time went on, he became CONVINCED that it was because of me. Before he met me, he was CONVINCED it was the town he lived in, and he moved heaven and earth to make a new life somewhere else. When the move only solved things temporarily, he needed a new target to blame - me.

In my case, I was lucky because he did get on meds and they did really help. Even so, he had a breakdown at one point during which, again, he became CONVINCED it was down to me, and he left me.

We got back together and eventually we divorced for other reasons.

People with this kind of entrenched depression, which is really a part of their fabric, live in a hall of mirrors where they have no idea what's going on, emotionally, no idea what emotions are real and reasonable, and what's because of the illness. The impression I had of my ex's illness was that it had him in a vice grip and it was making a fool of him. Caused him problems at work, etc. The only thing I can suggest is that two different types of antidepressants may be needed. My ex was on a combo treatment - Wellbutrin in the morning and Prozac at night.

I think you, and everyone, deserves better than to be on this rollercoaster and to be a good, faithful wife - as I was - and then to be BLAMED for another person feeling so desperately awful. I struggled to get past the sheer insult of that. I knew I was a good, fun person who wouldn't hurt a fly, and who many men would have felt lucky to have. I'm sure the same is true of you, too. Ultimately, I just saw his behaviour as completely ridiculous.

Just know that this is NOT your fault. And also know that there is a whole other world out there of wonderful, fun men xxxx

I knew someone like this. He blamed his depression on his job, where he lived, blame it on his ex gf. He moved jobs, moved somewhere else, had a new r/s. It was only months before he fell into another deep depression and has been there since. He also has a gambling problem which he said was his coping mechanism bc of something his ex gf did. Tried to give that up but soon got back into it. Also has a drinking problem. Also a pathological liar.

I gave up trying to help him. The problem was much much too big and I am no medical professional.

@cmd2014, I am very sorry. I have to agree with your sister's assessment that you cannot let your ex have control over your life. It must be very painful for you to let him go but it sounds like you tried your best. He has to get professional help to help himself. HUGS!!

 

[cmd2014]

@Jambalaya, thank you. Your sharing this with me means more to me than you will ever know. This is exactly how I have been feeling and exactly what has been going on and it HURTS. I hope I can come to a place of feeling insulted by it all too. But I think that's going to take a little time.

 

[asscherisme]

cmd, it is not fair for him to blame his problems on you. Not one bit. My ex did this and it took years for me to shake off that he was projecting his problems onto me. I was his scapegoat because I was there. It was easier for him to blame me than to take responsibility for himself.

His behavior is NOT your fault. His feelings are NOT your fault. I am so sorry you are in pain. What really helped me during my marital turmoil was to build an emotional wall. I will say that was around the time I realized that there was no hope in my marriage, but building that emotional wall was the start of finding myself again and finding my way out.

Whatever happens with your relationship, whether you divorce or not, you need to take care of your own mental health for your sanity.

Unfortunately, I still have to deal with my ex sometimes because we share kids together. Even though I got physical custody, I still have legal obligation to keep him in the loop on certain issues/decisions. He continues to be a very difficult man to deal with and is still hyper critical and insulting to me, blaming me for his problems. But I have learned to put up a wall and let it roll off me.

I will share two things that have helped me deal with my ex over the years (especially during the worst of my marriage and immediately after):

1. My grandmother use to tell me that you can't reason with the unreasonable. So don't waste effort trying to.

2. My favorite quote of all time comes from Maya Angelou "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"

 

[cmd2014]

cmd, it is not fair for him to blame his problems on you. Not one bit. My ex did this and it took years for me to shake off that he was projecting his problems onto me. I was his scapegoat because I was there. It was easier for him to blame me than to take responsibility for himself.

His behavior is NOT your fault. His feelings are NOT your fault. I am so sorry you are in pain. What really helped me during my marital turmoil was to build an emotional wall. I will say that was around the time I realized that there was no hope in my marriage, but building that emotional wall was the start of finding myself again and finding my way out.

Whatever happens with your relationship, whether you divorce or not, you need to take care of your own mental health for your sanity.

Unfortunately, I still have to deal with my ex sometimes because we share kids together. Even though I got physical custody, I still have legal obligation to keep him in the loop on certain issues/decisions. He continues to be a very difficult man to deal with and is still hyper critical and insulting to me, blaming me for his problems. But I have learned to put up a wall and let it roll off me.

I will share two things that have helped me deal with my ex over the years (especially during the worst of my marriage and immediately after):

1. My grandmother use to tell me that you can't reason with the unreasonable. So don't waste effort trying to.

2. My favorite quote of all time comes from Maya Angelou "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"

Thank you. I appreciate it. Sadly, I find that I am likely to be victimized by the legal system as well as him. I have learned that despite our never having merged our finances, and despite him having an excellent high paying job, as the higher earner and the more responsible one in our marriage, I am going to lose most of everything I have worked for 20 years to build - the equity in the house that I paid for, the retirement savings that I put away, the savings in my personal accounts, and I may need to pay him a huge lump sum of money (despite his high paying job) in lieu of spousal support. All because he refused to seek help, became abusive, and ultimately decided to leave. I may never be able to retire and move home to be with my family. I can't even speak.

 

[asscherisme]

Thank you. I appreciate it. Sadly, I find that I am likely to be victimized by the legal system as well as him. I have learned that despite our never having merged our finances, and despite him having an excellent high paying job, as the higher earner and the more responsible one in our marriage, I am going to lose most of everything I have worked for 20 years to build - the equity in the house that I paid for, the retirement savings that I put away, the savings in my personal accounts, and I may need to pay him a huge lump sum of money (despite his high paying job) in lieu of spousal support. All because he refused to seek help, became abusive, and ultimately decided to leave. I may never be able to retire and move home to be with my family. I can't even speak.

I urge you to find an excellent attorney. I interviewed a bunch. Also, do lots of research on your own about the divorce laws where you are. My ex threatened to leave me with nothing. He hired a bulldog nasty lawyer as well. He is a well respected member of our community and appeared to have more power than me. He puts on a facade to those who don't know who he really is. I was also terrified of being victimized by the courts. It was a hellish divorce but I came out OK. Better than OK. I am thriving now and so are my kids. My divorce attorney was amazing and she fought hard for me. The judge saw through my ex and punished him for his behavior and attempt to portray me falsely. I did end up getting less than 50% of our assets, but I got enough to live on, to rebuild, and I actually was able to buy a house 2 years ago. It is modest compared to my marital home, but it is MINE. I learned I need less than I thought to be happy.

I have been where you are. Feeling hopeless and fearful of the future. I was terrified of being homeless and not being able to feed my kids. I am in a fairly solid position financially now. Not where I was when I was married, but that is OK because I am happy now and my kids are happy. I never thought I would trust anyone again to be in a relationship, but I was wrong there too.

You will be OK. After my divorce, in quiet moments, I was able to breath again. You don't really fully realize until after it is all over what living in constant stress is like. Living with constant uncertainly and strain in a relationship. Walking on eggshells around someone being afraid of their instability and volatility. At least that was my experience. Yes, it is hard sometimes and scary sometimes now but I would not go back to being in an unhappy marriage where I didn't feel safe for anything.

I learned that it is better to be alone than to be with someone who does not value you.

 

[cmd2014]

I urge you to find an excellent attorney. I interviewed a bunch. Also, do lots of research on your own about the divorce laws where you are. My ex threatened to leave me with nothing. He hired a bulldog nasty lawyer as well. He is a well respected member of our community and appeared to have more power than me. He puts on a facade to those who don't know who he really is. I was also terrified of being victimized by the courts. It was a hellish divorce but I came out OK. Better than OK. I am thriving now and so are my kids. My divorce attorney was amazing and she fought hard for me. The judge saw through my ex and punished him for his behavior and attempt to portray me falsely. I did end up getting less than 50% of our assets, but I got enough to live on, to rebuild, and I actually was able to buy a house 2 years ago. It is modest compared to my marital home, but it is MINE. I learned I need less than I thought to be happy.

I have been where you are. Feeling hopeless and fearful of the future. I was terrified of being homeless and not being able to feed my kids. I am in a fairly solid position financially now. Not where I was when I was married, but that is OK because I am happy now and my kids are happy. I never thought I would trust anyone again to be in a relationship, but I was wrong there too.

You will be OK. After my divorce, in quiet moments, I was able to breath again. You don't really fully realize until after it is all over what living in constant stress is like. Living with constant uncertainly and strain in a relationship. Walking on eggshells around someone being afraid of their instability and volatility. At least that was my experience. Yes, it is hard sometimes and scary sometimes now but I would not go back to being in an unhappy marriage where I didn't feel safe for anything.

I learned that it is better to be alone than to be with someone who does not value you.

I have an attorney who has thoroughly briefed me on the laws where I live. Sadly, the law is on his side here. We both are high earners, but I am higher. I'm also a saver where my soon to be ex is not. He never wanted to think about the future, only today. He'd get angry and resentful if I tried to get him to save for the future. So I am the one who saved for the down payment of the house, I am the one who paid off 80% of the mortgage 10 years early, I am the one who contributed into all (ALL) of the retirement savings, I am the one with savings, while he likely has quite a bit of debt (we never merged our bank accounts/credit cards and only shared a joint account for household expenses, and for some unknown reason his credit cards always seem to be run up). So even though I have spent 20 years building a nice nest egg for us in the hope that we could retire in a few years, he is now entitled to half of everything plus help with his debts and a lump sum equalization payment and/or spousal support should he go after that. And even though I have texts and emails of him saying that he would never dream of taking my savings or the money I put towards the house, and even though I have all the bank statements proving that all those contributions came from my personal accounts, none of it matters. Her advice was to cut my losses and not throw good money after bad. That I maybe should get this over asap before he runs up more debt and/or loses his job (which he never has, but I suppose is always a possibility).

I will rebuild. I will be ok. I guess I just don't understand how someone who loves you would watch you sacrifice and sacrifice and work and work and save and save (while they didn't) and then feel ok with taking it all. Especially since ending our relationship was his idea, not mine. And since he would always say to me that the money was more important to me than to him, that he didn't care about the money. And yet, when I asked him how he could possibly think that what he was doing was fair, his only answer was "well, I don't want to be destitute" (keeping in mind that his "fair" share of the assets would still be a nice sum that would set him up well in a place of his own to live and leave him with some savings for retirement). Deep down I hope he is squirming with shame.

 

[asscherisme]

I am glad you have a good attorney. I have seen through my own experience and hearing other's experiences that divorce makes people act in odd ways.

 

[cmd2014]

I am glad you have a good attorney. I have seen through my own experience and hearing other's experiences that divorce makes people act in odd ways.

It's mostly mediation where I am. Especially for couples with no children and no custody issues. It's really just a matter of the final number and how it gets paid. And the law is pretty dispassionate about who contributed what to whom here or who did what to whom. In some ways as hard as this has been, it has also been good for me. It has made me really see him for who he is now. And that he is toxic to my well being. Anyone who would treat me this way is just not the partner I deserve, because I am faithful and constant and loving and fun and I have worked hard to go above and beyond to be supportive in every possible way I could think of over the past 20 years - more in the past 5 years of so that he has been struggling, and certainly beyond where anyone else I know would have gone since he abandoned me in February. It's to the point where my family are frustrated with me for giving him so many chances to step up and do the right thing...and I know they're not wrong. It's just that I also had to know in my heart that I really tried. So I could move on without regret or guilt or any "what ifs" or "if only's." I loved him. He was my family. And he's not the man I married anymore and that man is not coming back.

It's funny, I wouldn't have said before all of this that people change all that much. And in some ways, what I am seeing now is just all the undesirable qualities that were always there to some extent, only magnified a million times and not tempered with any of the good (he's lost the ability to be kind, to be generous, to be compassionate - I feel like Jennifer Aniston when she said that Brad Pitt was missing his sensitivity chip). I doubt I will get married again. Knowing what I know now, I don't think it's worth the risk. (or if I do, it will be with an iron clad prenup, because I loved being married - I just don't love the financial crisis that the end is going to cause).