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Has a former friend or partner ever wanted you back?

Jambalaya

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And if so, how did you feel about it?

How do you feel in general when someone breaks away from you but then wants in again? This could be an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend, a spouse, or a longterm platonic friend.

When I was young, I was all for rekindling relationships or friendships if they had been good. But now, more than twenty years on, the fact that someone wanted nothing to do with me while I was already a fully-fledged adult, not a kid, is just too much of a turn-off to go back. Perhaps it's because when break-ups happen at an older age, I feel that someone should be better about spotting who they do and don't want to spend time with (so enough with the flip-flopping!) Or perhaps it's because I take them seriously when they want out, and I move on. It's weird because I can still feel the same way about the person themselves, but not about a relationship with them. Those two things have become separate entities for me as I've become older. That you can still think this person is as fab as you ever did, but the idea going back to how you were just doesn't excite you anymore.

An ex (who did the dumping) was really flirty last week, and it made me think. I still like him the same as I ever did, but I no longer feel the same way about a romantic relationship between us. Which is odd, because I still think he's fab and I still think he's very attractive. Maybe my standards got higher as I got older and I don't want to be with someone who was ever so unsure about me. Perhaps I just feel that life is now too short to accept flip-flopping, and I want more security. Maybe that accounts for feeling so turned off by the idea of going back to a former relationship or friendship.

I also have a former platonic friend. We were friends from toddlerhood until around forty. It's seven years ago this month since I've seen her. That one took a lot of getting over (she ignored me after my dad died, which is what led to the demise of the friendship,among other odd behaviour on her part.)

For a very long time after, I felt the lack of being someone with whom I had that much history, and all our memories. (Coming at a time when I was also mourning my lost family unit and all THOSE memories too!) It was kind of like a platonic divorce, with her.

I always reflect on our friendship at this time of year, because it's her birthday around now, as well as the time I last saw her. This year, for the first time, mostly I feel grateful for what we had. Grateful for all those decades of friendship. We really got a lot out of our friendship together. More evenings than I can count, sipping wine and swapping stories and discussing life, all through our teens and twenties and thirties. (Well, no wine in our teens!) And before our teens, in our childhood many times playing outside at each other's houses and going for walks or rids on our bikes after school or in the vacations.

I don't want to be friends again - not that she's asked - because I've moved on in seven years; I'm a different person now, and besides, I could never trust her again. But she will remain a big part of my memories, and I'm glad I had such a longtime friend to have been with me during the first part of my life, despite how painful it was when we "broke up." It was a ton of fun, and I see our friendship as having been the defining relationship of the first half of my life, apart from my parents.

So yeah, two people whom I previously loooooved I recently realised that I would not want to go back to. Maybe, being older, I'm just less emotionally agile than I used to be, as in - can't get back to that headspace again.

How have you reacted when someone who was important to you but walked out of your life, wanted in again? I'm most interested in how you felt, second time around. Same? Different? As invested? Trust issues? Or did you decide you'd moved on too efficiently to go back?
 
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Demon

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All the time, when I was younger. Almost every single guy came back or tried to come back at least once. I never could figure that out, because I'm not beautiful or domestic or any of that, lol. I'm a little testy and have a very bad temper when provoked.

One female friend looked my up after several years of no contact. I'm no longer interested. A few former boyfriend.....if we were both single, I might give it a try. The love of my life? Yeah, I'd go back in a heartbeat, knowing we likely wouldn't make it. Again. But that pull would be irresistible to me
 
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JPie

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My first boyfriend used to message me randomly through the years, but I ignored him. I could see what I added to his life, but I didn’t want anything that he brought to mine. He finally gave up when he turned 30.
 

Jambalaya

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Thanks, Demon! Oh, it's so weird - what you wrote in your last sentence, I felt that way until fairly recent times in my life! Do you mind if I ask you your approximate age range? I'm trying to find out if my feelings of flatness about getting back with people I once loved are due to becoming more nihilistic in my old age!!!

ETA: I do still love them, I just don't want a super-close relationship with them again. Most confusing!
 

Jambalaya

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My first boyfriend used to message me randomly through the years, but I ignored him. I could see what I added to his life, but I didn’t want anything that he brought to mine. He finally gave up when he turned 30.

Interesting! Who did the dumping?
 

Demon

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Thanks, Demon! Oh, it's so weird - what you wrote in your last sentence, I felt that way until fairly recent times in my life! Do you mind if I ask you your approximate age range? I'm trying to find out if my feelings of flatness about getting back with people I once loved are due to becoming more nihilistic in my old age!!!

Lol, I'm old! Retired old. But I have retained friendly feelings about my old loves (which doesn't mean all the old boyfriends, lol) all though my life, especially the love of my life. He and I manage to find a way to contact each other, briefly, every several years. We don't see each other, as we're both married. But clearly the feelings have never died. I started a facebook page several years ago, well after facebook had been around for a loooooong time, and he found my page in four days. I had already found his before I signed up.
 

KaeKae

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I've reconnected with many people thanks to social media. Nothing romantic, but I've been married 30+ years, so that's not in the cards in any way. Friends, yes. At least one had ended on a negative note and now we are friendly, on line. I wish her well, she appears to wish me well. We don't live near one another, so no meeting up, though she did try to make that happen back when I was still on the west coast and was visiting the east coast. Didn't work out, which I think was for the best. I like what we have now. No awkward moment with any elephants in the room. :)
 

partgypsy

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I think this is an interesting question. I am of the age well def feeling the I'm too old for lots of nonsense. It's happened to me a couple times, but soon to the breakup, not years later, where I was still aware, bad idea! I think it would depend on how and why we broke up and the agecwe were. I know I was not the most mature in my early 20s, an hope that other person could see that sometimes people mature and change. Basically how I would feel would depend on the person. But In general if there was a break up, often there was a good reason for it, and let sleeping dogs lie. I guess I think about this because I broke up with the guy I was seeing on and off, because, well my dad died and he couldn't give me a straight answer if he would accompany me to a future thing about my dad. Maybe it seems silly to break up over that. But life is short and if someone can't be there for me, rather be single. As far as friends, I think I am a more forgiving about a fall out. That's just me.
 

Jambalaya

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I think this is an interesting question. I am of the age well def feeling the I'm too old for lots of nonsense. It's happened to me a couple times, but soon to the breakup, not years later, where I was still aware, bad idea! I think it would depend on how and why we broke up and the agecwe were. I know I was not the most mature in my early 20s, an hope that other person could see that sometimes people mature and change. Basically how I would feel would depend on the person. But In general if there was a break up, often there was a good reason for it, and let sleeping dogs lie. I guess I think about this because I broke up with the guy I was seeing on and off, because, well my dad died and he couldn't give me a straight answer if he would accompany me to a future thing about my dad. Maybe it seems silly to break up over that. But life is short and if someone can't be there for me, rather be single. As far as friends, I think I am a more forgiving about a fall out. That's just me.

Omg, that's BS! That's the biggest red flag you could ever have that this person doesn't care about you. If they can't support you over a lost parent...no, no, no! Next! Not silly at all! Big red flag!
 

Jambalaya

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Lol, I'm old! Retired old. But I have retained friendly feelings about my old loves (which doesn't mean all the old boyfriends, lol) all though my life, especially the love of my life. He and I manage to find a way to contact each other, briefly, every several years. We don't see each other, as we're both married. But clearly the feelings have never died. I started a facebook page several years ago, well after facebook had been around for a loooooong time, and he found my page in four days. I had already found his before I signed up.

Wow! Musta been one hell of a relationship! Why d'ya break up?
 

Demon

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Wow! Musta been one hell of a relationship! Why d'ya break up?

We just didn't get along, often, and we were young and stupid and stubborn. We were kind of like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, but without the marriages, lol.And the diamonds!
 

anne_h

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My answer to the original question is yes... some former partners have wanted to resume relationships, but only in the context of shortly after a break-up. Which I was not interested in. That said, nobody has come back years later trying to explore rekindling anything. Which is good, I don't retain those kinds of feelings for anyone.

Another group I want to add to the discussion is former employees... as in, workers who resign, don't like their decision, and then want to come back to their old jobs. I am thinking of two particular cases... one resigned and wanted to come back a few years later, but I did not bite. Another... same thing. BUT - I *did* end up hiring the second person again years later after I had moved on to another employer. That turned out to be a mistake. Although I had screened him carefully before rehiring him, he ended up having many of the same issues that I'd seen in our last place of employment. He ended up resigning from our new employer after only a few months. Due to the way he behaved when he left, he has totally burned any professional relationship with me now, and I would never consider another application from him in the future. Lesson learned...

Anne
 

Jambalaya

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We just didn't get along, often, and we were young and stupid and stubborn. We were kind of like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, but without the marriages, lol.And the diamonds!

That's too bad. Maybe it'd have worked if you'd met when you were older. Timing is so important, don't you think?
 

Jambalaya

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My answer to the original question is yes... some former partners have wanted to resume relationships, but only in the context of shortly after a break-up. Which I was not interested in. That said, nobody has come back years later trying to explore rekindling anything. Which is good, I don't retain those kinds of feelings for anyone.

Another group I want to add to the discussion is former employees... as in, workers who resign, don't like their decision, and then want to come back to their old jobs. I am thinking of two particular cases... one resigned and wanted to come back a few years later, but I did not bite. Another... same thing. BUT - I *did* end up hiring the second person again years later after I had moved on to another employer. That turned out to be a mistake. Although I had screened him carefully before rehiring him, he ended up having many of the same issues that I'd seen in our last place of employment. He ended up resigning from our new employer after only a few months. Due to the way he behaved when he left, he has totally burned any professional relationship with me now, and I would never consider another application from him in the future. Lesson learned...

Anne

Yeah, I think I'm also like that. No matter how much I've loved someone, I've just found it impossible to sustain over years if I never see them or have anything to do with them. The longest I've carried a torch for was five years, and I was very young. (College boyfriend.)

Interesting perspective on former employees. I've had colleagues who I was very upset to lose, but I got used to them not being there surprising quickly!
 

Jambalaya

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I think I've also just gotten better at dealing with emotional setbacks. Maybe it's because you have so much practice as you get older - parents and friends die, etc. Younger me would have been upset and still pining for the ex for the next two to five years. The latest, I made it in five months flat - and I REALLY liked him, too!
 

Demon

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That's too bad. Maybe it'd have worked if you'd met when you were older. Timing is so important, don't you think?

I do think timing is everything. We met when we were pretty young, and lived way, way across town from each other. The distance didn't help. Plus, we didn't have cell phones or internet. And so if one of us was being stubborn, it was much harder to get ahold of the other one. Although, given our personalities, it still probably wouldn't have worked out. And I have to wonder - if we had stayed together, would our feeling for each other still be as strong? I don't think they would. I love my husband, still, but I can't really say I'm in love with him. Day to day life and fights and things take their toll. At least for me.
 

Jambalaya

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Yup, for me too. It's easy to fantasise about someone whose snoring you never hear, whose farts you never smell, and whose mother has never made bitchy remarks to you!
 

Demon

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Yup, for me too. It's easy to fantasise about someone whose snoring you never hear, whose farts you never smell, and whose mother has never made bitchy remarks to you!

Lol. We did know each other very intimately. But I wouldn't even call it a fantasy. It's not like I dream of being with him or anything. To me (yes, I'm weird) it almost feels like a luxury that we still love each other after all these years, even with everything that's gone on in the meantime. And that's enough for me. Just gives me a warm feeling when I think of him, which is daily. Hard to describe.
 

Jambalaya

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But I think those things seem soooo much more annoying when you're trapped in marriage!
 

Demon

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But I think those things seem soooo much more annoying when you're trapped in marriage!

No doubt. Though I don't at all feel trapped. I do love my husband. Now there was a time, which was years and years ago..... They don't call it the 7 year itch for nothing!
 

kenny

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Unfortunately yes.

My high school best friend keeps bothering me, over 45 years later.
He's one of those Christians who considers it his job to convert the world.

He still sends his Christmas family newsletter via snail mail.
My copy is chock full of hand-written bible verses about hell.
How lovely.
Around 30 years ago I told him I'm atheist and to drop his belikemeitis crap, but to no avail. :nono:

I stopped responding to him about 20 years ago but he doesn't give up.
Now every December his insulting religious propaganda it goes right into the trash, unopened.
Too bad the USPS doesn't have a spam blocker.

People have the right to do whatever they want in their own homes and houses of worship.
But when unwanted aggressive preaching continues, after someone has declined the message repeatedly over 45 years, all I can do is just facepalm :doh:.
 
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partgypsy

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Kenny that's not not trying to rekindled a relationship, that's frankly harrassment. It's too bad there's no resourse to that, or maybe there is?
 

Demon

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Unfortunately yes.

My high school best friend keeps bothering me, over 45 years later.
He's one of those Christians who considers it his job to convert the world.

He still sends his Christmas family newsletter via snail mail.
My copy is chock full of hand-written bible verses about hell.
How lovely.
Around 30 years ago I told him I'm atheist and to drop his belikemeitis crap, but to no avail. :nono:

I stopped responding to him about 20 years ago but he doesn't give up.
Now every December his insulting religious propaganda it goes right into the trash, unopened.
Too bad the USPS doesn't have a spam blocker.

People have the right to do whatever they want in their own homes and houses of worship.
But when unwanted aggressive preaching continues, after someone has declined the message repeatedly over 45 years, all I can do is just facepalm :doh:.

Maybe send it back marked 'no longer at this address'? I'm an atheist also. I won't go out of my way to offend anyone's religion, but I expect the same in return from someone. People seem to think you're supposed to be aware of their religious holidays and what it means to them. Heck, the only way I even know Easter is coming up is because of the chocolate rabbits and peeps in the stores.I can't tell you what date it will fall on without looking at the calendar.
 

Phoenix

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Yesss!! An ex-fiance stalked me for years after I broke up with him, UGH!! An ex-bf tried to get back many times for 4-5 yrs after I dumped him. Another one refused to accept that I want(ed) nothing to do with him.

I am in the camp of "once done, it's over and done with". I don't believe in rekindling any past relationships or friendships. There is a reason why those relationships didn't work in the first place.

However, I am very good friends with a woman who inadvertently gave me a really really bad 'flu/ viral infection after she'd already given me the 'flu/ a cold a few too many times prior, despite my telling her that I am immuno-suppressed and cannot afford to be around sick people. I blanked her for 6 months because I was so angry with her. After I calmed down, I apologised and she also apologised and we're still great friends to this day. Have known her for 20 yrs.
 

kenny

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Kenny that's not not trying to rekindled a relationship, that's frankly harrassment. It's too bad there's no resourse to that, or maybe there is?

Well I don't want to do what tRump said about his presidential opponent, who got more votes than he did ... have 2nd amendment people take care of her.

I can't 2nd amendment him; I don't even have a gun.
 
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missy

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Yes, a lovely man who I was dating at the same time I started dating Greg. Let's call him J.

After a few dates with Greg I broke it off with J but it was hard because he was crazy about me. And he was also the best friend of one of my best friend's (D) DH (H). So you can imagine that was not fun. I got to hear all about how he was pining for me and how no one else could compare to me and so on and so forth.
For some background J was funny and smart and handsome and he was just an overall great guy. But he wasn't Greg.

Anyway Greg and I had started having an issue (less than 2 months into dating) and my friend D (whose DH was best friends with J) told J and J called me up as soon as he found out saying he loved me and wanted me back and Greg wasn't the guy for me yada yada yada (@YadaYadaYada sorry don't mean to take your name in vain lol). I was slightly tempted just because I was so furious with Greg but I thought better of it because J was somewhat obsessed with me (and frankly D should not have shared that info with J-she had no business to do that and she knew he was crazy about me). So I politely declined and said that J and I were just not meant to be.

After a few weeks Greg came to his senses and apologized and made it right. Decades later J friended me on FB and I debated accepting or not but since 2 decades had passed I felt it was safe and now we are FB friends.

I did hear from D that for years and years J would only date girls who had dark hair and a pale complexion like I used to and who resembled me. Weird for sure but he got over me finally. Though I do not initiate contact with him on FB and when he contacts me I don't respond for days and keep it very brief. Better safe than sorry.

For some background on me and exes...I am not one who remained friends with exes. Once I broke it off it was over. If I didn't want to continue dating you why would I want to remain friends? Better a clean break for all parties involved. The only reason I made an exception here was that 20 plus years have passed and to refuse his FB friending would have felt cruel. I followed my gut here and J remains the exception to my rule. Though honestly, we aren't friends because FB friends are not always real friends. We are superficial FB friends and I rarely post on FB so it's not like he is privy to my life. Nope. So I didn't see the harm. He remains the one exception as I do not have contact with any of my ex boyfriends. And believe me all my exes are lovely men. I never dated a jerk. No scratch that, one jerk. That was it. I really lucked out and only dated quality guys.

And I married the best guy ever IMO. The only guy for me. ♥
 

partgypsy

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Reading about your j thing, my first big crush in college, we dated for a month and I actual broke it off, because it was painfully obvious I liked him so much more than he liked me, I was trying to save myself some future heartache. It still took me a long time to get completely over him.Anyways what was funny he then started dating someone from another college. Who happened to have the same hair color (and general haircut), same major, and even the same first name as me. I guess it could be coincidence.
 

Rubymal

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I have never had an ex come back to me, but it isn't that much of a surprise. In relationships, I'm fiercely loyal, attentive and affectionate (sometimes to a fault). But I make my partner the center of my world and my utmost priority, and when that disappears, it's a shock to the system. I've also never been dumped, but I have tried to tough things out (my shortest relationship was 3 years, then 3.5 with my husband now, 4 years with a psycho and 5 years with my first bf). I've never dated around with anyone else, I've only ever dated the guys that turned into long term relationships. But once I shut it down, I make it clear that done means done and it's abundantly clear that there is no chance of rekindling anything because that relationship is dead dead.

As for platonic friends, I used to be pretty cutthroat about burning bridges once I've been wronged, but people keep telling me to forgive and forget blahblahblah. I had one friend for years who I absolutely adored and would do anything for. Problem was. she was a habitual liar and a huge flake. I finally had enough one day and stopped responding to her as much. But when my wedding started coming around, I thought fondly of her and sent her an invite. She accepted and flaked 3 days before the wedding, calling me at work and making up some huge bullshit story that didnt ad up in anyway. What a mistake. Some people never change. For those kinds of people, I pretty much just try to remember them for the good times and as shitty as it sounds, they are dead to me. Because I don't want to stay mad or upset at what they did- I'm going to remember the good times fondly and say it's a shame they are out of my life, but oh well.
 

Jambalaya

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And I married the best guy ever IMO. The only guy for me. ♥

Awwww, Missy, that's so nice! You and Greg are MFEO!
 
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