Got any jokes?
- Thread starter kenny
- Start date
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2009
- Messages
- 9,739
At our local steakhouse...
Me, to our waiter: WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR THUMB ON MY STEAK????
Waiter: Because I don't want to drop it.
again......
Me, to our waiter: WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR THUMB ON MY STEAK????
Waiter: Because I don't want to drop it.
again......
jaysonsmom
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 13, 2004
- Messages
- 4,884
《JOKES of the day》
1. When your life is in darkness, Pray to God and ask Him to free you from darkness..... and
If you are still in darkness..Please pay your Electrical bill.
2. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing;
Either the car is new or the wife.
3. What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
4. Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
& our driver ran away...
5. A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that is confidential.
6. Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife Darling, Honey, Love." What’s the secret?"
Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her!
7. A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman
“Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied , “My husband’s cheque book!”
1. When your life is in darkness, Pray to God and ask Him to free you from darkness..... and
If you are still in darkness..Please pay your Electrical bill.
2. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing;
Either the car is new or the wife.
3. What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
4. Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
& our driver ran away...
5. A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that is confidential.
6. Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife Darling, Honey, Love." What’s the secret?"
Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her!
7. A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman
“Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied , “My husband’s cheque book!”
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2008
- Messages
- 54,165
"
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture
"
"
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
"
"
The Pun Meister A few chuckles...
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
"
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture
"
"
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
"
"
The Pun Meister A few chuckles...
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
"
jaysonsmom
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 13, 2004
- Messages
- 4,884
Funny but true.
MamaBee
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2018
- Messages
- 14,508
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2008
- Messages
- 54,165
Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor.
When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill’s wife isn’t wearing any underwear.
Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife follows him and asks, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”
John admits that he did. She says, “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.”
They decide that John should come to her house around 2 P.M. on Friday while Bill is at work.
On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill’s wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves.
When Bill comes home at 6 P.M., he asks his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?”
Reluctantly, she replies, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”
Next Bill asks, “Did he give you $100?”
“Oh hell, he knows!” she thinks to herself. Finally, she admits, “Well, yes, he did give me $100.”
“Good,” Bill says. “John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.”
When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill’s wife isn’t wearing any underwear.
Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife follows him and asks, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”
John admits that he did. She says, “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.”
They decide that John should come to her house around 2 P.M. on Friday while Bill is at work.
On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill’s wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves.
When Bill comes home at 6 P.M., he asks his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?”
Reluctantly, she replies, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”
Next Bill asks, “Did he give you $100?”
“Oh hell, he knows!” she thinks to herself. Finally, she admits, “Well, yes, he did give me $100.”
“Good,” Bill says. “John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.”
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2005
- Messages
- 33,292
I just got a full tank of gas for only $12. 
Please don't kill my buzz when I tell you it was for my lawn mower.
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
USA connects to your devices and accesses all of your data.
USB is a hardware standard.
I'm posting this from the Emergency Room.
Without going into details, let’s just say the “Dyson Ball Cleaner” has a somewhat misleading name.
Please don't kill my buzz when I tell you it was for my lawn mower.
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
USA connects to your devices and accesses all of your data.
USB is a hardware standard.
I'm posting this from the Emergency Room.
Without going into details, let’s just say the “Dyson Ball Cleaner” has a somewhat misleading name.
Last edited:
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2005
- Messages
- 33,292
Two priests on the plane for their Hawaiian vacation decided to make it a real vacation by not wearing anything that identifies them as clergy.
So at the Honolulu airport they bought shorts, loud shirts, sandals, and big dark sunglasses.
After getting settled at their hotel they sat on Waikiki Beach sipping margaritas.
Suddenly this drop dead gorgeous blond in a skimpy bikini came walking straight towards them.
As the blond passed them, she smiled and said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,” as she passed by.
They were both stunned and wondered how she knew they were priests.
The next morning they bought even more-outrageous outfits and headed to the beach.
Soon the same gorgeous blond approached them.
Again she nodded at each of them saying, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.” then walked away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and called out. "Just a minute young lady.
"Yes?" she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"
The woman replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Angela!"
So at the Honolulu airport they bought shorts, loud shirts, sandals, and big dark sunglasses.
After getting settled at their hotel they sat on Waikiki Beach sipping margaritas.
Suddenly this drop dead gorgeous blond in a skimpy bikini came walking straight towards them.
As the blond passed them, she smiled and said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,” as she passed by.
They were both stunned and wondered how she knew they were priests.
The next morning they bought even more-outrageous outfits and headed to the beach.
Soon the same gorgeous blond approached them.
Again she nodded at each of them saying, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.” then walked away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and called out. "Just a minute young lady.
"Yes?" she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"
The woman replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Angela!"
Last edited:
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2008
- Messages
- 54,165
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