FMIL is a B*tch

[doodle]

well, pearl...maybe she just doesn''t like you. i don''t mean that in a bitchy way--i''m just thinking sometimes people have very different personalities and rub each other the wrong way, and that''s ten times more difficult when you feel that way about someone who means so much to someone you care about. i guess if that''s the case, i''d try to politely let her know, "you don''t have to love me, or even like me, but you do have to deal with me, so how about we make an effort to play nice for the sake of (insert your FI''s name here)?" someone mentioned earlier that your FI could eventually tire of playing mediator between the two of you, and that''s a REALLY good point. it''s lovely that he''s supportive of you, but it''s a position that he won''t want to be in for the rest of his life no matter how much he loves either of you, and obviously you don''t want him to be hurt by the animosity between you and your FMIL. whether it''ll do any good between you and her, it might be a good idea to talk to her just to let your FI know that you won''t always expect him to fight your battles for you--on that one, though, that''s more between you and him than you and her. he may be happier with the whole thing if you spend the rest of your life pretending the sun shines out of her @$$ just to avoid the drama! best of luck to ya!

 

[diamondfan]

I know my mother in law never liked me. I doubt at first it was me in specific, but she was overly attached to her two kids, and thus anyone who came along was not going to please her. My mother in law is so nasty, hubby once had an Asian girlfriend and a girlfriend who was Catholic and she freaked, meanwhile I am Jewish, was certainly planning to raise my kids in the Jewish faith...and yet she decided I was not Jewish ENOUGH. Why? Well, funnily enough, both she AND my mom were not Jewish, my mom is Irish Catholic and my mother in law was Church of England. Okay, both of them convert, but somehow SHE is a proper Jew and my mom is not, therefore I am not Jewish enough. I mean, for pete''s sake, what a dipstick. Such major crapola it is not to be believed. The honest truth is she just wanted reasons not to like me and it did not matter what I did or did not do. And I tried so hard to be sweet and nice and suck it up, and it did not make sense to me til I learned it was not ME so much as what I represented.

Pearl, she may just not like you, of course that is a possibility. I just cannot give you a good piece of wisdom about it, because if it is chemistry that is not likely to really change, no matter what you do to impact it. I tried being so accomodating to her, always trying to give in or please her, and it was just a waste on a certain level. I ended up annoyed with both of us, at her for always managing to find a reason to be displeased, and at myself for continuing to bash my head against the wall to no good outcome.

What is fair to say is no matter what, you are marrying her son. You live near each other and the family overall is close. You will have children presumably, and I cannot imagine she wants to get on your bad side, and have there be tension. However, it might be on you as the young person to smooth things over, and to really make the effort for the sake of your hubby. Not fair, but really, it might just be what it is. Your hubby is of course going to be upset to see you upset, and I am sure he will see his mom misbehaving, and will want to protect you, but he cannot always be in the middle, I know because I have put my hubby there many times. I am not wrong, he sees that, and knows it, and stands up for me, but it is STILL his mom, and he will say to me, how would you feel if one of your sons bawled you out? (hey, I hope I never deserve to be called on the carpet for my actions towards any of my daughter in laws...but we shall see!)

Just be classy, do not stoop to her level, but do not allow yourself to be treated shabbily either.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 8/11/2008 11:51:13 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 8/11/2008 11:39:07 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 8/11/2008 11:28:16 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling
So I'm just going to say to some of you, if you don't have anything nice or constructive to say, then please don't say anything at all. It seems like with a few of you, this is a no-win situation and no matter WHICH example I give you, she doesn't seem like a bitch and I am in the wrong just because you feel like shaking things up a bit. If you don't think she was being a bitch (which I cannot understand for the life of me, because if you'd actually been there and heard her and seen her, then you'd agree with me) then just keep it to yourself. What good is it going to do for anyone to come on here and say that they think I'm wrong and she's right? Or that I must just be insane and over-reacting to everything and everyone? It's just not helpful.

Pearl. You're new on this forum so here goes some contructive advice you can take or leave: You are posting on a public board. Everytime you post you are opening yourself up to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that anyone on here choses to post (within the forum rules), helpful or not. You are either gonna want to refrain from posting, or develop a thicker skin. It's just a fact. And some of the people who are disagreeing with you are trying to help you, believe it or not... they just see things differently than you do. Constructive is in the eye of the beholder. If you only want people who agree with you, and give you kudos and praise... you are going to continue to be dissappointed.

There is a huge difference between being politely constructive, and 'constructive' in a condescending way. Obviously I wouldn't be saying any of this if I had felt that certain people were honestly trying to help me out instead of trying to act like they knew more than me or like they understood the situation better than I. Obviously if you've read any of my responses to people, you'd see that I do appreciate the advice that has been given to me, but those whose advice I find helpful are people who have presented it in such a way as to seem genuinely concerned about the situation and with being helpful, rather than trying to make me look bad.

Thank you Gypsy for pointing that out. I've been following this thread since the beginning, and because I don't have a MIL, and never will, I felt like there was nothing for me to say, but after the exchange with Indy, I didn't want to even commiserate. So I'm just going to ditto Gypsy's post.

So nothing constructive about your situation from me either, but I believe you need to think about what Gypsy said. This is a public forum, and anyone can say anything they want within the rules, and quite a few of them are going to say what they want to say, even if it disagrees with what you want to hear. And this is really not a good place to seek only what you want to hear.

I know all of this from experience. And now my skin is much thicker.

I do have to say though that I think if you remember that this is your FI's mother, and she helped make him who he is today-the man that you fell in love with-so she can't be all bad.

Best wishes and good luck. I hope you get over this hurdle without too many bumps and bruises.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I love the "it's a public forum, so we can say whatever and you should get used to it" responses. Just like any poster has the right to post what they want, the original poster has the right to respond to the response that she didn't like what they said! around and around and around!


Anyways, I can't imagine that under ANY circumstance, tone or inflection of the comment, poor sad mother losing her son situation, etc, that it would okay for the FMIL to say what she said. If those were her exact words, then that was beyond rude and deserves an apology. Imagine if the OP had said to the FMIL, "I am NOT your daughter, and don't you EVER call me that again. YOu already have a daughter. (or I already have a mother and it's not you)".


very weird and rude and awkward, etc. Plus all this talk about "adjusting" is ridiculous. They've lived together for a year, and the mother knew ahead of time that he was proposing. She clearly does not like you OR she is nutty because no normal person needs more than a year to adjust to their son getting his own life, unless you live on the set of "everybody Loves Raymond"


That being said, I can't imagine a more passive aggressive horrible mother in law than my grandmother. The way she has treated my aunt for the past 15 years is HORRIBLE. Aside form the judgemental comments on everything from her style of dress, her hair color, her choice of diet... you name it and she doesn't like it. If my uncle doesn't call my grandmother, then it must be because my aunt is telling him not to. If my uncle chooses to attend my aunt's family reunion, then it's as if he is deserting our family. And the absolute worst are the comments about how much my uncle loves children and has always wanted a family and must be terribly sad and feels like there is something missing in his life. (not true) My aunt is unable to have children. This has been the case for 15 years, grandma! Why bring it up now!!! It used to really bother my aunt, but she decided several years ago to not let it bug her. She just laughs at the next "good story" from her husband's crazy mother. I am sure that it has pushed my uncle away from my grandmother as well. He chose my aunt, but eventually my aunt just said, "you know what, she's your mother so keep that relationship, and I'll ignore it." My aunt does love all the times she hears about me calling out my grandmother on her backhanded comments and sticking up for her. I treat my grandmother with respect and love, but I refuse to let her talk badly or make sneaky comments about my other family members in front of me.


So my advice to you based on the example of my aunt is to just let it roll off your back like water on a duck. It's hard, but just realize that this woman doesn't like you and not everyone has to like you. YOur fiance obviously likes you!!!

 

[trillionaire]

Ugh, FMIL sounds like a lot to deal with. I completely agree that she seems to be intentionally difficult, I would go nuts too, because I really like to be liked. (unless I don''t like you, then I couldn''t care less, lol) I hope that you and FI can work out a healthy set of relations for all of you! Best of luck! Congrats again on the engagement, too!

As an aside, and please don''t take this the wrong way, my BF would not be pleased if I was calling his mom the B-word. (and I might just be sensitive, because I don''t use the word) I, too, would be devastated if someone was calling my mom that, and I am sure that your fiance would not allow your FMIL to call you that either... just a thought. Please don''t flame me.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/11/2008 9:30:57 AM
Author: BizouMom

Date: 8/11/2008 9:16:45 AM

Author: fieryred33143

I think that you have to understand that “letting go” of children is never easy. My FI was 26 (26!!!) when he and I moved in together. Before then he was living at home with his parents. His mom loves me, this I know but she still had a hard time with it. I think you need to cut her some slack in that department. It isn’t easy.

I think you should listen to fiery because she is spot on. Just as you and FI's lives are going to forever change, so is her's regarding her relationship with her son. She is no longer the most important woman in his life, as is the way it should be. Most mothers know that intellectually, but tell that to our hearts. My DIL sent me a card after they got engaged, thanking me for being so welcoming to her and saying that she understood how, while I was very excited for them, it was going to be a transition for me. I really appreciated her insightfulness.

I think Mother-in-laws should really be pretty grown up about the whole thing from start to finish, to be honest. After all, unless the girl is really hopeless and selfish, she has gone out on a limb to be with your son, and has probably been hanging around for quite a while. The mother (or future mother in law) is the older, and hopefully more mature of the two women involved, and she should really be doing what she can to help and be friendly to the younger girl, imo. At least, that is what I shall strive to do!

Also, and I know this is a gross generalisation, but it seems women feel more justified in over attachment to their sons rather than their daughters? What is it with that? I know a friend of a friend whose m-i-l delivers freshly washed and ironed work clothes, and a packed lunch, at 5am every work day. She's upset that the d-i-l doesn't iron working man's overalls.

It's just a funny story, but how many mums would do similar ongoing work for their grown up married girls, with such an extreme start-time? And no, I don't mean baby sitting(God knows, we probably would appreciate the help, getting ourselves ready for work!)

anyway, I can appreciate that mums have difficultly saying goodbye to boys, but being a rival with a d-i-l is not fair. I am friends with my m-i-l now, but I will never forget her glowering face in the wedding itself, nor the silent treatment (on the phone) when we announced the engagement, she left me hanging for over a minute... I was shaking in my boots, and eventually had to ask her if she was still there...

and then on announcement of my first pregnancy, a cool response to say the least.

But the best was saved for two years later: My husband called her and told her I had some good news for her, he passed the phone to me. I told her we were pregnant with our second child. After an extended pause, her comeback was - "No wonder my son is under pressure". Yes, she said that!!!(lives on the other side of the country)

Her son was 35 years old when he got married, by the way, hardly a child. My own family was wildly excited about my engagement, my marriage and both my children.

Anyway, we have long buried the hatchet and are good friends, but I will never forget her 'blood is thicker...' response to me. Even now, the only wedding photo she has in her house is one of my husband on his own. Says it all, really.... she loves the kids, though

anyway pearl, all the best... it will fade, and you may well be good friends. At least your man sticks up for you! My man is very sensitive to even a suggestion of criticism of his mother.

Luckily, it's only a trivial matter.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Date: 8/12/2008 3:09:10 AM
Author: trillionaire

As an aside, and please don't take this the wrong way, my BF would not be pleased if I was calling his mom the B-word. (and I might just be sensitive, because I don't use the word) I, too, would be devastated if someone was calling my mom that, and I am sure that your fiance would not allow your FMIL to call you that either... just a thought. Please don't flame me.

totally agree. I think this is probably the reason why a lot of people defended the mother-in-law. I thought it was harsh, but also just chalked it up to some people being more comfortable with that word.

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 8/12/2008 2:25:31 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
I love the ''it''s a public forum, so we can say whatever and you should get used to it'' responses. Just like any poster has the right to post what they want, the original poster has the right to respond to the response that she didn''t like what they said! around and around and around!

Very true. That''s how these threads get out of control sometimes.

I still don''t think Indi Gal was being condescending at all and I really think it''s hard to tell what I call the "tone of type" is over email or forums.

 

[princesss]

Date: 8/12/2008 3:09:10 AM
Author: trillionaire

As an aside, and please don''t take this the wrong way, my BF would not be pleased if I was calling his mom the B-word. (and I might just be sensitive, because I don''t use the word) I, too, would be devastated if someone was calling my mom that, and I am sure that your fiance would not allow your FMIL to call you that either... just a thought. Please don''t flame me.

Very, VERY good point.

 

[iheartscience]

Well I think her "don''t EVER call me that" comment to you was completely nasty and yes, even bitchy. I''m not really understanding why no one else does, actually, and it seems very strange to me!

I can only imagine what people would be saying to you if you made the comment to her that you''re not her daughter, and don''t EVER call you daughter. I doubt it would be along the lines of "Oh, she''s just adjusting to being engaged!" I also think it was very clear passive aggressive behavior on her part to offer to invite everyone and then not invite them.

Anywho, I think the good news here is that your fiance is on your side. A lot of times I hear stories here or elsewhere and the boyfriend/fiance/husband thinks his mother and/or father are basically never out of line.

I hope your fiance will talk to her soon and tell her that her comment to you was completely out of line and just plain strange since SHE called YOU "daughter" first. I think he should also bring up the Christmas Eve party and how she didn''t invite his family after she insisted that she would be glad to help out by inviting them.

And most importantly, he should make it very clear to her that she needs to start treating you with the same respect she treats everyone else with. She doesn''t have to love you but she does have to treat you with respect. It sounds like you''ve been extremely nice to her and have ignored her bad behavior so far.

I think you''re going to have to start calling her out on these things if you want them to change, though. Just something along the lines of "I''m not sure why you''re upset I called you mother when you just called me daughter. Of course I realize that you''re not my mother." (This is where I''d have to bite my tongue and stop myself from saying "My mother would never be as rude to me as you are."

)

 

[fieryred33143]

For me, given Pearl''s somewhat rude response to IG''s helpful and kind (because nothing she wrote was rude it just wasn''t "aww I''m sorry") comment it leads me to believe that perhaps Pearl is either overly sensitive OR it doesn''t take much to flare up. If that''s the case then it is unfair to call the FMIL the "b" word.

For Pearl, dealing with a new family is hard and sometimes sucks. Something tells me you are going to have a lot runins with the FMIL for a long time especially if he''s the only son. My FI has an older brother that is very distant from the family so his family relies on my FI a lot. Even now his mother still makes her little comments that bother me and we have a great relationship. I remember when she went into the ER. I was working and my FI was at home getting his car fixed. I left work early to pick him up and go to the hospital. She was there for about an hour before we showed up. She complained that he took such a long time to go see her and that he would have never done that when he was living at home and she''s not important to him anymore when she should be the most important person in his life.

I think that if it bothers you a lot then talking to her yourself would be the best approach. I think its great that your FI is sticking up for you but sometimes when dealing with a "bully" you have to defend yourself for them to get the message. She''s already way too attached to her son so having him talk to her will probably only upset her more because she''ll maybe feel that he is taking your side over hers.

How about another

to MILs.

 

[sklingem]

"If you don''t think she was being a bitch (which I cannot understand for the life of me, because if you''d actually been there and heard her and seen her, then you''d agree with me) then just keep it to yourself. What good is it going to do for anyone to come on here and say that they think I''m wrong and she''s right? Or that I must just be insane and over-reacting to everything and everyone? It''s just not helpful"

OK - if you are just looking for someone to agree with you, then maybe this is the wrong place to post. Disagreeing (and giving constructive, heartfelt advice/suggestions)also means caring. That should be pretty obvious, but oh well.
This really is not that complicated.
1. You trusted your FMIL to invite people to your party - obviously she did not do it and even lied about it. Lesson learned: Invite them yourself the next time. Advice #2: Let FI deal with it, so as to avoid a nasty he said - she said shouting match which will get you nowhere.
2. I know that some mothers have a problem with calling their husband''s wife/fiancee "daughter". That is perfectly fine. You are not her daughter. She did not do it in a sensitive way at all. I would also be upset about it. Unfortunately you have to let this one go. Let your FI deal with it.

Overall you have the right to be upset about how things have gone with your FMIL. But you want to take the high way and try to make things better, right? AFTER FI has talked to his dear mother (give it a week or two) invite your FMIL out for lunch/drink, do NOT mention what your FI has addressed with her and just talk about how you want your relationship with her to be (i.e. "things have not gone as expected etc ... I would really like ...") and what you expect from her (and what she can expect from you). Just do it. You will feel much better and hopefully it will move you in the right direction.
Good luck!

 

[Linda W]

I don''t think we really understand Pearl''s situation. She had stated this isn''t the first time that her MIL has been nasty to her. So, I don''t really feel she was being overly sensitive. as someone stated, or flares up easily.

And yes, I have called my MIL a bitch many times to my DH and so has he. One reason we do not speak to her anymore.


Linda

 

[espressa]

Date: 8/12/2008 9:37:30 AM
Author: fieryred33143
For me, given Pearl's somewhat rude response to IG's helpful and kind (because nothing she wrote was rude it just wasn't 'aww I'm sorry') comment it leads me to believe that perhaps Pearl is either overly sensitive OR it doesn't take much to flare up. If that's the case then it is unfair to call the FMIL the 'b' word.

I don't want to get in the middle of this, and I don't think that IG's reply was out of line, but as someone who is hypersensitive (not saying that Pearl is, though) and has had things like this happen before, I thought it might be helpful to add since some people don't see how IG's response could be hurtful to someone. I'm pretty sure that this is what Pearl was upset about:

For instance, do you understand the family dynamics well enough to know what was behind her not inviting everyone over to your place (which, by the way, was YOUR & FI's job, not hers)? All kinds of things could have been behind that that have nothing to do with competitiveness.

The mother/daughter comment was weird, but again, could easily have been a misunderstanding.

Telling Pearl that it was her job to do the inviting, and putting it in caps, could possibly be seen as lecturing. I tend to think that if someone tells me they will do something (such as extend invites to family members), I expect them to do that and I would be mad if I found out they didn't and then LIED about it. Not everyone would see it this way, though.

Saying that the mother/daughter comment was weird but could have been a misunderstanding is not rude in the way it was said (which was said very politely), however, in the context of what Pearl said, I DO see how the idea it conveys could upset her. Here is why...

I do not understand how, under any circumstances, in any way, shape or form, the comment that her FMIL made ("Oh my God don't you EVER call me that! I am not your mother. You HAVE a mother and it's certainly NOT me!") could be construed as a misunderstanding. I just don't. I know people will disagree with me, and that's fine, because this is simply my opinion. But I just don't get it. The only possible way, in my eyes, someone could think it was a misunderstanding is to assume that Pearl is exaggerating or lying.

I'm completely baffled how that comment, as Pearl has written it, could be anything other than rude, out of line, completely horrible and inexcusable. She didn't merely say "Don't call me your mother, I'm not your mother." She said much more than that with the way she worded it and how it was said. I also don't understand how it can be compared to normal "mother having difficulties dealing with son getting married" issues. To me that comment is so above and beyond what is acceptable, that I simply don't think it can be easily brushed off. But this is only my opinion, and I admit that I am an extremely sensitive person and may therefore see things differently than others.

So again, I want to make it clear that I am in no way saying that IG's post was rude or wrong. But what I am saying is that I can see how Pearl could see it that way, especially if she was already very upset about the situation. Also, while I don't understand how her FMIL's comment could be considered anything that is easily excusable, I do accept that other people may see it that way, and you are completely entitled to your opinion.

Pearl, if I've gotten anything wrong I apologize in advance. I'm very sorry for what you're dealing with, and I don't have any good advice for you, but you certainly have my sympathy.

 

[blondebunny]

Honestly I think we should just let this thread die down.... The OP was really just a vent, not for advice. People gave her advice, she responded, ya''ll felt it was rude or what not, she apologized, so really what is left to talk about? She didnt ask for any further advice about it... Its just everyone going back and forth on how they think she feels or felt, and she clearly already said how she felt, so I think we should just let it go because its not really doing any good to anyone

Lets just be thankful she only called the FMIL a bitch to US and not her fiance... Im sure there has atleast been one time or another someone has said something about their FMIL behind their fiances back, so who cares?!?!?!?!

No one actually knows what truelly happened or how the FMIL really is, so lets just all stop assuming we know "how" she is or "how" she feels about losing her son, we could all be wrong, so no point to continue to harp on the situation. There are a lot more important things in life to worry about then this...

Sorry it just seemed silly that every kept on putting down Pearl when she apologized and really the thread should had ended there...

Hope everyone has a good day!

 

[MaggieB]

Date: 8/12/2008 10:40:01 AM
Author: Linda W
I don''t think we really understand Pearl''s situation. She had stated this isn''t the first time that her MIL has been nasty to her. So, I don''t really feel she was being overly sensitive. as someone stated, or flares up easily.

And yes, I have called my MIL a bitch many times to my DH and so has he. One reason we do not speak to her anymore.


Linda

I agree with the above line "I don''t think we really understand Pearl''s situation." I still stick with my original advice - try everything that you possibly can to make a workable relationshiip because it will only benefit you in the end - but I don''t think it''s fair to Pearl to read too much into her word choice or her comments. I know that if I was facing the anger, sadness, and frustration over being treated horribly by my mother-in-law, I would likely lash out in a not-no-nice way, and that doesn''t say anything about me other than - I''m mad.

I think that we should all give eachother just a little bit more benefit of the doubt: Pearl to those posters who are trying to be helpful, and those posters who are making judgments about what Pearl must or must not be like. I think we can find ways to offer advice without all of the accompanying judgments.

 

[princesss]

You know, Pearl, I really hope things improve. I''m not sure I made that clear in my last post, but I really hope that this gets better for you. No matter who''s acting in what way, it''s a tough situation, and I truly wish you the best however this turns out.

 

[blondie23]

Date: 8/12/2008 12:45:58 PM
Author: princesss
You know, Pearl, I really hope things improve. I''m not sure I made that clear in my last post, but I really hope that this gets better for you. No matter who''s acting in what way, it''s a tough situation, and I truly wish you the best however this turns out.

MINI THREADJACk

Princess, we have the SAME quote!!!! I love story people and that quote is my absolute favorite!!! YAY

 

[princesss]

Hahaha, blondie, we''re awesome! Storypeople is amazing.

/end threadjack

 

[Bliss]

Oh I am really sorry to hear all these horrid MIL stories. I nearly had one myself... FI's mom in the beginning was a potential nightmare in the making. She threw fits when FI spent holidays with my family or brought on the histrionics when FI showed that he loved me more. I had no idea because it was all done in FI's audience and I was relatively shielded. The one time I saw it personally, FI nipped it in the bud. He told her he wouldn't stand for it and if she did it one more time, he would never speak to her again. And he didn't for weeks until she called to apologize and promise not to do it again.

Since then, it has been really wonderful and we have grown to love each other. But in the beginning, she was just really scared that she was losing her only son and was a very lonely woman. So the more love we show her, the more she blossoms and loves us back. I can't say this is the utopia for everyone, because in our case... FMIL was acting out of pure fear and massive insecurity, not malice. FI is her life. Now, we are her life.

I have no idea what I would do if I had a FMIL who was actually evil. OMG, I would not do a very good job of handling it and would just try to limit my exposure as much as possible. As much as I try to resolve conflict and see the constructive way of building relationships, I think it would just kill the relationship entirely if there was one person who was out to inflict wounds. How can you have a relationship with a grenade? You just can't.

I can read between the lines of how hurt Pearl is. I'm very sorry and I have no advice other than to start drawing some lines between what is acceptable early. You have an AMAZING FI and that is really a treasure. I can't tell you how many stories I hear where FIs are just stuck in the middle and that he puts his foot down is really something. She has to change or the cycle of pain just keeps going and she feels more and more entitled, you know? There has to be a wakeup call and that is FI. Sorry that he has to put his foot down with regards to his mother, but it is hurting the future MARRIAGE and that is the most important sacred union. Would she rather have her son unhappy in his marriage? The poor woman seems so much in pain that she can't see beyond her own looming fears. Don't they get that the more they hurt their DIL, they are hurting their son and causing harm and stress to the marriage? Why?!

ETA: Then there are some people who actually ENJOY others' pain. Because the don't get love, they settle for the other kind of attention and derive enjoyment from the attention and power they get from hurting other people. UUUGHHH! There should be a detox center for such people! It is sad, but also very awful. I've met a few like this in my life and the look they get from hurt reactions is like a vampire. The only consolation I can give is, no matter what you do -- it can't be worse than what they're doing to themselves already. They must be in some sort of torment 24/7 to treat others that way.

I really hope things change and applaud your amazing FI!

 

[cara]

Date: 8/11/2008 11:28:16 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling
So I'm just going to say to some of you, if you don't have anything nice or constructive to say, then please don't say anything at all. It seems like with a few of you, this is a no-win situation and no matter WHICH example I give you, she doesn't seem like a bitch and I am in the wrong just because you feel like shaking things up a bit. If you don't think she was being a bitch (which I cannot understand for the life of me, because if you'd actually been there and heard her and seen her, then you'd agree with me) then just keep it to yourself. What good is it going to do for anyone to come on here and say that they think I'm wrong and she's right? Or that I must just be insane and over-reacting to everything and everyone? It's just not helpful.

So if we don't agree with your title, we shouldn't post? Sorry, this is a public forum. PSers are also used to giving constructive advice or commentary on a situation, so you should have been more clear about what you wanted in your opening post: "Please don't question my assessment of the situation or post anything but "aww.. poor dear" 100% supportive comments." And still been prepared for *some* comments outside of your guidelines.

I will often ask people critical of the OP to be constructive and polite and civil in their comments - even if the content is critical of the OP, questioning their judgment, etc. But what you are asking for in the post above is somewhat different.

I will just point out that you want other posters to read your comments with a generous reading but are not willing to do the same for other posts. Some of the posts that you read as insulting you by questioning your judgment are NOT attacks or insults. They are merely questioning your interpretation, or suggesting other ways to look at the situation and come off as more neutral comments to my eye. That you are reading many of them as attacks or insults says SOMETHING about how you are processing these events - you may be too close to it all to see things from an impartial view - which is completely understandable on some level. But on another might be contributing to the problem at hand.

Frankly, your FMIL sounds extremely difficult, but from the title I was expecting more. That might be part of the problem with the reactions in this thread. To call the woman that bore and raised your FI a bitch, I would expect a different level of behavior than what you have described. Maybe its in the 100 little insults that you did not specifically describe, which do add up. I am also sure that it is not fun for you to be treated so, and it is so wonderful that your FI is supportive, and I do wish you the best of luck in figuring out how to deal with her.

The best outcome is not for you to just endure her harassment, write her off as a bitch, and come here for sympathy and moral support. The best outcome is somehow to coral her behavior into non-hurtful, non-destructive territory and that might involve changing your reaction to her, how you view her, how you address her and deal with her. Not because you are at fault per se, but because at the end of the day this is the woman that raised your FI and it is better to have a tolerable relationship with her. You might have to do the heavy lifting - along with time and help from your FI - to achieve that. Or it might be unfixable and then you just have to establish limits, but knowing that you did what you could will make it easier.

 

[Linda W]

Oh for Pete''s sake!!! Can we put this thread to rest now??? Pear has stated her piece and has received her responses. No need to blast.


Linda

 

[blondebunny]

Date: 8/12/2008 1:54:01 PM
Author: cara

Date: 8/11/2008 11:28:16 PM

Author: PearlDahhhling

So I'm just going to say to some of you, if you don't have anything nice or constructive to say, then please don't say anything at all. It seems like with a few of you, this is a no-win situation and no matter WHICH example I give you, she doesn't seem like a bitch and I am in the wrong just because you feel like shaking things up a bit. If you don't think she was being a bitch (which I cannot understand for the life of me, because if you'd actually been there and heard her and seen her, then you'd agree with me) then just keep it to yourself. What good is it going to do for anyone to come on here and say that they think I'm wrong and she's right? Or that I must just be insane and over-reacting to everything and everyone? It's just not helpful.

So if we don't agree with your title, we shouldn't post? Sorry, this is a public forum. PSers are also used to giving constructive advice or commentary on a situation, so you should have been more clear about what you wanted in your opening post: 'Please don't question my assessment of the situation or post anything but 'aww.. poor dear' 100% supportive comments.' And still been prepared for *some* comments outside of your guidelines.


I will often ask people critical of the OP to be constructive and polite and civil in their comments - even if the content is critical of the OP, questioning their judgment, etc. But what you are asking for in the post above is somewhat different.


I will just point out that you want other posters to read your comments with a generous reading but are not willing to do the same for other posts. Some of the posts that you read as insulting you by questioning your judgment are NOT attacks or insults. They are merely questioning your interpretation, or suggesting other ways to look at the situation and come off as more neutral comments to my eye. That you are reading many of them as attacks or insults says SOMETHING about how you are processing these events - you may be too close to it all to see things from an impartial view - which is completely understandable on some level. But on another might be contributing to the problem at hand.


Frankly, your FMIL sounds extremely difficult, but from the title I was expecting more. That might be part of the problem with the reactions in this thread. To call the woman that bore and raised your FI a bitch, I would expect a different level of behavior than what you have described. Maybe its in the 100 little insults that you did not specifically describe, which do add up. I am also sure that it is not fun for you to be treated so, and it is so wonderful that your FI is supportive, and I do wish you the best of luck in figuring out how to deal with her.


The best outcome is not for you to just endure her harassment, write her off as a bitch, and come here for sympathy and moral support. The best outcome is somehow to coral her behavior into non-hurtful, non-destructive territory and that might involve changing your reaction to her, how you view her, how you address her and deal with her. Not because you are at fault per se, but because at the end of the day this is the woman that raised your FI and it is better to have a tolerable relationship with her. You might have to do the heavy lifting - along with time and help from your FI - to achieve that. Or it might be unfixable and then you just have to establish limits, but knowing that you did what you could will make it easier.

UMMM.. sorry but how can you agree or disagree with the title.... do you personally know the FMIL??? I mean technically you cant agree or disagree unless you know her...

and for the second time.. like Linda W just said.. WHY CANT YOU JUST LET IT GO?!?!?!?!?! You just wasted about 10 mins or however long it took you too think/type it up when there was no point...

 

[risingsun]

In my practice, I see my share of toxic parents and the adult children of these parents. The damage done is deep and can last a lifetime. Giving birth to a child does not make a person a good mother or father. I wish it did, but that is simply not true. I have no way of knowing if Pearl's situation is temporary or a long-term problem. If it is the latter and it is based upon her FMIL's beliefs and behaviors, this couple is facing a significant challenge. If Pearl and her DF can be supportive of each other--and refuse to let FMIL triangle herself into their realtionship--they can have and maintain a strong bond. It is essential that they do not permit this woman to continue this type of behavior. If she does, there need to be consequences.

ETA: This is a process, not an event...

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 8/12/2008 3:09:56 PM
Author: blondebunny

and for the second time.. like Linda W just said.. WHY CANT YOU JUST LET IT GO?!?!?!?!?! You just wasted about 10 mins or however long it took you too think/type it up when there was no point...

Ouch. Speaking of unecessary zingers!

 

[blondebunny]

Date: 8/12/2008 4:58:55 PM
Author: luckystar112

Date: 8/12/2008 3:09:56 PM

Author: blondebunny


and for the second time.. like Linda W just said.. WHY CANT YOU JUST LET IT GO?!?!?!?!?! You just wasted about 10 mins or however long it took you too think/type it up when there was no point...

Ouch. Speaking of unecessary zingers!

I wasnt trying to be rude or what not, it just seems as if that poster did NOT read the entire thread, which is annoying, and is commenting on something that is done and over with.. I just dont understand why some people cannot just simply let it go...

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 8/12/2008 5:30:30 PM
Author: blondebunny

Date: 8/12/2008 4:58:55 PM
Author: luckystar112

Date: 8/12/2008 3:09:56 PM

Author: blondebunny


and for the second time.. like Linda W just said.. WHY CANT YOU JUST LET IT GO?!?!?!?!?! You just wasted about 10 mins or however long it took you too think/type it up when there was no point...

Ouch. Speaking of unecessary zingers!

I wasnt trying to be rude or what not, it just seems as if that poster did NOT read the entire thread, which is annoying, and is commenting on something that is done and over with.. I just dont understand why some people cannot just simply let it go...

I guess one could say the same about your post.

 

[blondie23]

Date: 8/12/2008 5:52:34 PM
Author: LAJennifer

Date: 8/12/2008 5:30:30 PM
Author: blondebunny

Date: 8/12/2008 4:58:55 PM
Author: luckystar112

Date: 8/12/2008 3:09:56 PM

Author: blondebunny


and for the second time.. like Linda W just said.. WHY CANT YOU JUST LET IT GO?!?!?!?!?! You just wasted about 10 mins or however long it took you too think/type it up when there was no point...

Ouch. Speaking of unecessary zingers!

I wasnt trying to be rude or what not, it just seems as if that poster did NOT read the entire thread, which is annoying, and is commenting on something that is done and over with.. I just dont understand why some people cannot just simply let it go...

I guess one could say the same about your post.

HAHA I was thinking the same thing!!!

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 8/12/2008 5:30:30 PM
Author: blondebunny

Date: 8/12/2008 4:58:55 PM
Author: luckystar112

Date: 8/12/2008 3:09:56 PM

Author: blondebunny


and for the second time.. like Linda W just said.. WHY CANT YOU JUST LET IT GO?!?!?!?!?! You just wasted about 10 mins or however long it took you too think/type it up when there was no point...

Ouch. Speaking of unecessary zingers!

I wasnt trying to be rude or what not, it just seems as if that poster did NOT read the entire thread, which is annoying, and is commenting on something that is done and over with.. I just dont understand why some people cannot just simply let it go...

UMMM.. sorry but do you personally know Cara??? I mean technically you can''t accuse her of not having read the thread unless you know her...

I''m just kidding blondebunny! I''m totally just poking fun and being silly.
I have no idea if Cara read the thread, but I certaintly don''t think her post was pointless, either! Of course, Pearl did get a little bit of a spanking here, but she has spanked back too...so at least its even.

I''m guilty of not having read each and every post to see if someone has the same thoughts as me before adding my .02, but I also agree with Gypsy that if you''re going to post a story on a public forum you should prepare for a variety of responses. In the same respect, I also agree with Guilty that you don''t get the right to be snarky or disrespectful just because it is a public forum. So I''m in the middle. Though I''ve seen a lot worse that this thread, that''s for sure. There are only a couple of posters that make me cringe now.

 

[LaraOnline]

What's so deeply wrong with calling her a b*tch on this forum? Even if she actually wasn't? (although publicly humiliating someone isn't very nice, is it). Even if the lady in question actually reads this forum herself, she is unlikely to identify herself.

Name calling behind her back is relatively innocent, it hurts no-one, and venting helps the OP cope with the bullying and entitled behaviour that FMILs occasionally indulge in.

Just as long as poor Pearl doesn't slip and tell her FI what she said, I guess. She'll probably win her FMIL over...after about five years of earnest kissing-up.