FMIL is a B*tch

[Gwyn]

Yes there are flip sides to coins and everything but I believe her FMIL was still pretty out of line.

First off, she offered to extrend the invites and didnt. You do not say you are going to do something and then not do it. On top of that, if you cant do it then you should let the person who is depending on you know that. Lastly, she lied about it. Cut that anyway you want, its just wrong. I dont care if its because she cant handle large groups or doesnt like cousin Sue. As far as we know, she took on this role of inviting people and didnt.

Should she have done the inviting herself, maybe. But she already stated that the FMIL was used to controlling things and having the spotlight on her and such. Doing something on XMAS eve was probably threatening enough. To refuse her help with the inviting (which i belive the mother could view as taking some control in a situation where she didnt have any) could have made things go worst. We have all had run ins with controlling people, they are nto the easist to deal with when they feel they are helplessly losing control. But, ok, we know now. FMIL really cant be trusted to actually be helpful. And from now on, we will just handle inviting people ourselves. One more question, how many of you entrusted your own mothers or mother in laws or firends to help with and or do the invitations for your wedding? I know my mother did my sisters and i seem to remember a post very reccent that recommended that a woman with a controlling mother, having difficulty letting go of her daughter and allowing her to plan her own wedding, allow her to do something small such as the invitations! Now maybe that was just referring to picking them out and the typeset and such, but delegation when having an event is not a new concept.

As for the calling you daughter thing...that was just plain odd. To me, its an invitation for you to call her mother. So the fact that she then kind of lost it on you, and in front of people, that just seems plain out of line to me. Okay so maybe she was trying to adject and trying the whole calling you daughter on for size and then the mother thing just hit too close to home. He reasons may be justified but her actions, as you stated them, were not. You are a guest in her home, she has other guests there in the same room as you, you are not only (i assume) a grown woman but also engaged to her son. She should not be scolding you, especially when you were offering the same olive branch she was with the whole affectionate name calling.

Again, I am not saying there is no other reason that your FMIL could be acting like this then to be and b*tch to you. I think others are right and that there could be alot of underlying factors involved. However, I do not think she should be acting like this regardless of those reasons.''

Now, one las thing and I will be done. You say there has been a ton of things that she has done and I am not denying there have been some slights along the way. One thing i caution (and I know this is hard) is to not let those build on you so that you see all her little slights as big attacks against you. Once we have been burnt by people a couple times, we start being extra sensative to things they do. This is not really a relationship you want to go into with particually thin skin.

You are acting sweet and polite, thats really all you can do. Just take what she says and does with a grain of salt and try not to let her get the better of you. You don''t have to be mean or distant to be cautious of her motives and ensure you dont end up in one of her "traps" (whether they were intended by her or not).

 

[blondebunny]

This is my view on the whole invitations thing...

I do not feel it was Pearls duty to invite everyone AFTER her FMIL insisted she would do that for her... How was she supposed to know that her FMIL was going to screw her over and not invite anyone?? Granted it was her responsibility in the beginning, but when someone tells me they are going to do something, I hold them to it, and if they arent, they should have told them, and in Pearls case if her FMIL didnt have the time or whatever happened she SHOULD have told Pearl that she could invite the relatives. I dont think that she was wrong in anyway to not call the guests she thought were invited because I think the FMIL would have been livid in that case if she did, thinking that Pearl thought she didnt have the capabilities to take care of inviting everyone. I think what Pearl did was the smart decision to leave that small detail up to the FMIL to have her included in the party planning...

As far as the comment calling her daughter, what if Pearl didnt respond back with the mother comment, what do you think the FMIL would have done then, probably been mad that she didnt reciprocate the response when she called her her daughter, it seems as if anyway, Pearl would have been yelled at.

Honestly, I think her OP was really just a vent, it didnt really seem as if she was asking for advice, just needed to get it off her chest, and didnt want to vent it to her FI, and make him more or upset or whatever..

BUT I do agree that you should talk to FMIL with your FI... I mean it cant hurt anything, maybe just sit down and say hey, I love your son just as much as you do, and I would never want to take him away from you. I want us to all get along so that when we have children, we will be able to bring them over here and they will see how much you love and care for us and them and it will be a healthy environment.. there is nothing worse then when a grandchild sees that their parens dont get along their parents (if that makes sense) its not setting a great example if ya know what I mean... (not saying u did anything wrong...)

But goodluck, and dont leave bcuz one post upset you.. oh and PInk and green all the way..hehe

 

[fieryred33143]

I feel you Gwyn that she did say she’ll do the invites herself and the daughter thing was odd. But that is still not enough to say that she was “out of line”.

The way I see it is that you have to pick your battles. This whole thing can spiral out of hand to eventually her FI having to choose between mom and FW. That is an unfortunate situation for all involved. I’m not saying that the mom should be given a pass just because she’s his mom, but there are more constructive ways of dealing with the situation.

My FMIL is wonderful but she had her issues in the beginning. One is that I don’t cook and she knows I don’t. So she would make stupid comments all the time like what are you going to do when you have children? You know I always fed my boys home cooked meals. Don’t you know how to cook anything at all? It bothered me and the comments were uncalled for. But instead of calling her a b*tch and making my FI talk to her, I just handled it myself. I invited her over for a dinner that I prepared myself and she was very pleased. Did I have to go the extra mile to shut her up? Yeah but the 30 minutes it took me to cook chicken pasta and stick some garlic rolls in the toaster oven was worth her shutting up, you know.

My point is that yes you can vent about it but then do something. So she said “don’t call me your mother” that’s fine. Next time she says “bye daughter” don’t say “bye mother.” And I agree with Gwyn. Be polite, not mean, and be cautious.

 

[Gwyn]

If she had just been like "don''t call me mother" or better still "PLEASE don''t call me mother" I could maybe see that as being ok. I would be a little confused since she just called me daughter, but I would be okay with it.

But the way it was written '' dont EVER call me mother" and then to go on and say you have a mother I am not your mother blah blah blah. To me that sounds like scolding. Being condescending and rude to someone who is not only going to be your family but is also a guest in your home AND in front of other guests. Thats why I think it was out of line. Out of line and uncalled for. And rude! But hey, thats just me I take offense when I feel I am being disrespected.

Also, i kind of agree with blondebunny. Because of the FMIL''s reaction (or over-reaction in my mind) to the whole "mother" comment. I am not so sure that if Pearl had chosen not to reciprocate that it wouldnt be the same kind of lecture but turned around.

Either way, I wish you all the luck. I am sure that she will come around eventually. just give it time...and more time...and then some more

Fiery, I feel you on the little comments that FMIL can make. My FMIL makes them constantly about my FSIL''s husband. It drives me crazy. Sometimes makes me wonder what she says about me when I am not paying attention. Then I will catch her making one about me and get all sensative about it. Good thing I ordered that thicker skin when I got engaged, it keeps my mouth shut and smiling Pick your battles in deed!

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 8/11/2008 3:56:22 PM
Author: Gwyn
If she had just been like 'don't call me mother' or better still 'PLEASE don't call me mother' I could maybe see that as being ok. I would be a little confused since she just called me daughter, but I would be okay with it.

But the way it was written ' dont EVER call me mother' and then to go on and say you have a mother I am not your mother blah blah blah. To me that sounds like scolding. Being condescending and rude to someone who is not only going to be your family but is also a guest in your home AND in front of other guests. Thats why I think it was out of line. Out of line and uncalled for. And rude! But hey, thats just me I take offense when I feel I am being disrespected.

Also, i kind of agree with blondebunny. Because of the FMIL's reaction (or over-reaction in my mind) to the whole 'mother' comment. I am not so sure that if Pearl had chosen not to reciprocate that it wouldnt be the same kind of lecture but turned around.

Either way, I wish you all the luck. I am sure that she will come around eventually. just give it time...and more time...and then some more

Fiery, I feel you on the little comments that FMIL can make. My FMIL makes them constantly about my FSIL's husband. It drives me crazy. Sometimes makes me wonder what she says about me when I am not paying attention. Then I will catch her making one about me and get all sensative about it. Good thing I ordered that thicker skin when I got engaged, it keeps my mouth shut and smiling Pick your battles in deed!

Gwyn, the FMIL didn't actually say "don't call me mother..."; she shot Pearl a look that Pearl interpreted as delivering that message.

 

[blondie23]

Date: 8/11/2008 4:05:20 PM
Author: aprilcait

Date: 8/11/2008 3:56:22 PM
Author: Gwyn
If she had just been like 'don't call me mother' or better still 'PLEASE don't call me mother' I could maybe see that as being ok. I would be a little confused since she just called me daughter, but I would be okay with it.

But the way it was written ' dont EVER call me mother' and then to go on and say you have a mother I am not your mother blah blah blah. To me that sounds like scolding. Being condescending and rude to someone who is not only going to be your family but is also a guest in your home AND in front of other guests. Thats why I think it was out of line. Out of line and uncalled for. And rude! But hey, thats just me I take offense when I feel I am being disrespected.

Also, i kind of agree with blondebunny. Because of the FMIL's reaction (or over-reaction in my mind) to the whole 'mother' comment. I am not so sure that if Pearl had chosen not to reciprocate that it wouldnt be the same kind of lecture but turned around.

Either way, I wish you all the luck. I am sure that she will come around eventually. just give it time...and more time...and then some more

Fiery, I feel you on the little comments that FMIL can make. My FMIL makes them constantly about my FSIL's husband. It drives me crazy. Sometimes makes me wonder what she says about me when I am not paying attention. Then I will catch her making one about me and get all sensative about it. Good thing I ordered that thicker skin when I got engaged, it keeps my mouth shut and smiling Pick your battles in deed!

Gwyn, the FMIL didn't actually say 'don't call me mother...'; she shot Pearl a look that Pearl interpreted as delivering that message.

Actually the mother did say that...the OP said, 'She gives me this look and says "Oh my God don't you EVER call me that! I am not your mother. You HAVE a mother and it's certainly NOT me!'

Just wanted to clarify before the thread gets heated due to symantics

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 8/11/2008 4:07:51 PM
Author: blondie23

Date: 8/11/2008 4:05:20 PM
Author: aprilcait

Date: 8/11/2008 3:56:22 PM
Author: Gwyn
If she had just been like 'don't call me mother' or better still 'PLEASE don't call me mother' I could maybe see that as being ok. I would be a little confused since she just called me daughter, but I would be okay with it.

But the way it was written ' dont EVER call me mother' and then to go on and say you have a mother I am not your mother blah blah blah. To me that sounds like scolding. Being condescending and rude to someone who is not only going to be your family but is also a guest in your home AND in front of other guests. Thats why I think it was out of line. Out of line and uncalled for. And rude! But hey, thats just me I take offense when I feel I am being disrespected.

Also, i kind of agree with blondebunny. Because of the FMIL's reaction (or over-reaction in my mind) to the whole 'mother' comment. I am not so sure that if Pearl had chosen not to reciprocate that it wouldnt be the same kind of lecture but turned around.

Either way, I wish you all the luck. I am sure that she will come around eventually. just give it time...and more time...and then some more

Fiery, I feel you on the little comments that FMIL can make. My FMIL makes them constantly about my FSIL's husband. It drives me crazy. Sometimes makes me wonder what she says about me when I am not paying attention. Then I will catch her making one about me and get all sensative about it. Good thing I ordered that thicker skin when I got engaged, it keeps my mouth shut and smiling Pick your battles in deed!

Gwyn, the FMIL didn't actually say 'don't call me mother...'; she shot Pearl a look that Pearl interpreted as delivering that message.

Actually the mother did say that...the OP said, 'She gives me this look and says 'Oh my God don't you EVER call me that! I am not your mother. You HAVE a mother and it's certainly NOT me!'

Just wanted to clarify before the thread gets heated due to symantics

Thanks, Blondie!

I apologize, Gwyn. You were correct.

 

[Gwyn]

So when was FI going to talk to FMIL? Has this happened yet?

 

[MaggieB]

So, this is a pretty weird suggestion, but I just did this exercise in a communications class for school and I thought it applied. We had to keep a journal for two weeks of our interactions with people and we were to write down everything about the interaction, our thoughts and feelings about the person, our words, our expressions, our body language during the interaction, even identifying opportunities during the exchange that we could have said or done something that might have benefitted. For example, let''s just say that I had a conversation with my mother-in-law, and I was apprehensive, I have negative feelings about her based on past experiences, whatever, I write down all of it. At the end of my two weeks, I was able to go back and read everything that I thought and did that escalated bad feelings in my interactions instead of helping to keep them positive. The point not being that the other person was not initially in the wrong (maybe they were, maybe they weren''t, doesn''t matter) but the point being that you only benefit by trying to eliminate the conflict.

From my perspective, I''ll admit that it does sound heavily weighted toward extremely inappropriate behavior by your FMIL. However, this woman is going to be with you for THE REST OF HER LIFE. Your fiance is supportive now, which is wonderful, but eventually nerves get shot, people get sick of the fighting, and families break up. If you can try to take the high road here and help your FMIL with whatever it is that she is dealing with, you will be the hero in the end, and you will make your married life run more smoothly at the same time.

I really wish you luck. She sounds like a real charmer.

 

[diamondfan]

Pearl, I am feeling ya.

I cannot stand my mother in law. She is a freaking wench and pot stirrer. I think she is the devil.

Your mother in law to be is passive aggressive and having trouble letting her son go. I hate to say it but I do not think that will ever really be worked out, as people do NOT tend to change, and she likely does not think she NEEDS to change.

The comments about "having time to process it" and saying "good bye daughter and then freaking out that you called her mom are signs of her being bitchy and not happy. Lying right to your face is bad too, she is scared to let you have a place that might diminish her. As the mom of sons I get it on a theoretical level, but hope I never am like that to my future daughter in laws.

But do not worry, if your guy loves you and sees it. He will really have to start drawing a line in terms of what is okay... set the boundaries NOW, I have had over 18 years of this crap and my mother in law is a horror. She also says she loves me and blah blah but trust me she is SOOO full of it it is not funny. Hubby gets hoodwinked cause she SAYS the words, but I know she is totally insincere.

I feel sorry for you to be dealing with that, please know you are not in the wrong to be upset or that you are reading things wrong. Moist times in cases like this it IS happening.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/11/2008 8:37:49 PM
Author: diamondfan
Pearl, I am feeling ya.


I cannot stand my mother in law. She is a freaking wench and pot stirrer. I think she is the devil.


Your mother in law to be is passive aggressive and having trouble letting her son go. I hate to say it but I do not think that will ever really be worked out, as people do NOT tend to change, and she likely does not think she NEEDS to change.


The comments about ''having time to process it'' and saying ''good bye daughter and then freaking out that you called her mom are signs of her being bitchy and not happy. Lying right to your face is bad too, she is scared to let you have a place that might diminish her. As the mom of sons I get it on a theoretical level, but hope I never am like that to my future daughter in laws.

i have to sort of disagree with the bolded. i think they are definitely signs that she is having trouble dealing with the gravity of her son getting married. needing time to process her son leaving her doesn''t mean she''s a bitch....it means she''s attached to him. unless i''m mistaken the comment wasn''t said directly to pearl and it''s likely she was just being honest...and honest isn''t always pretty. c''est la vie. as for the comment about not calling her mom...yes it was rude, but there''s the chance that she was trying to be playful and lighthearted about the situation and freaked out when she further realized the consequences of the situation/comment.

pearl i believe you when you say that she''s difficult and rude, but don''t crucify her just yet. hopefully her nerves will calm and she''ll settle down and get a grip on the situation. good luck

 

[diamondfan]

Mimzy, I disagree with you. Someone who is excited and happy for their son and his future wife is not trying to hurt her. I have loads of experience with a bad mother in law, sadly, and I recognize passive aggressiveness very clearly. I get being conflicted, his getting engaged means he is really a man and someone else will be his priority to a certain degree, but that is part of growing up. I am terrified of that happening with my sons, but having the most nasty mother in law I also hope I have learned a few things too. She needs to separate out her feelings and realize she will be better off in the future if she is nice to her daughter in law and is not sabotaging her. She can be afraid of what this means in her life, maybe she see's it as her son "leaving" her, I guess, but she will get farther if she at least is kind to her future daughter in law. Her own son was angry, and he knows her best. I am only going by the three examples I am being given, and while maybe she was trying to be funny, I guess I am just not buying it. That comment about processing it was meant to let Pearl know she is not totally "there" with the engagement, she wants her to know she knew about it in advance and is not really embracing it. That is something I would not tell my future daughter in law just as she and my son have announced their engagement...that is not need to know information in my view. She should have hugged them, wished them well, and kept that remark to herself.

I agree you pick your battles, but yet a tone is being set too, so I think that you also have to establish what is okay and what is not. I never had the nerve to say anything, I was young and could not grasp that she meant to be mean or cruel, I always gave my mother in law the benefit of the doubt. She is truly awful, hopefully Pearl's is not but my mother in law got more brazen as time passed because she never was told to cool it. She just kept upping the ante. That is why I say that Pearl's fiance should take his mom aside and, without putting the mom on trial, get a sense of where her head is and also to let her know that she hurt Pearl and should be more aware of her comments. This just makes it more clear later.
Maybe Pearl needs to just eat some humble pie, and say, I want to make sure we always have a good rapport and open communication, and I felt a bit hurt by a couple of things that went on last Sunday...

Pearl, I do not disbelieve you that she is not that nice. But, she is your hubby's mom, and being right at all costs solves little and I had to suck it up a bit sometimes, I really did NOT want to but I did, for a couple of reasons, like for my hubby and my kids. I still know she is a nightmare, but I do not always let it take over, as I would be pissed ALL of the time otherwise. She is coming to see us next week and she is a bitch to my adorable middle son, and he gets so upset. THAT I will blast her for, but I will try to go deaf and dumnb and blind to a lot of the other crap she pulls, or MY vacaction will be ruined and she won't care a bit.

I have some understanding as I hate my mother in law, but just know even if you are right all of the time, you do have to find a way to coexist with her, husbands HATE having to take sides with their wives and moms.

Also, Indy was trying to just be open to possibilities, and was not in any way, I am sure, trying to be unfair to you.

 

[Gypsy]

I agree with Zoe that from the examples given, I''m not see the "FMIL is a b*tch" thing. (Totally agree with the not seeing the ''mentally imbalanced'' thing too).

And I think you really over-reacted to Indy''s post which in my opinion was saying, in a dipolmatic way, that you may want to see what you can do to make this better, in a calm and reasonable way, before escalating it and forcing FI to chose sides. And giving you advice and perspective on how you can do things differently next time.

I''ve seen some offensive posts, been on the receiving end of a few, and perhaps in some people''s opinions written a few... and I gotta tell ya, Indy''s wasn''t it. And the way you jumped all over Indy... makes me kinda think your overreacting to your FMIL too and seeing b*tches where there are only people who disagree with you or hold a different view point.

 

[Elmorton]

Ditto Mimzy. While I get along well with my MIL (she clearly loves DH but very much values independence), I actually said the same words your MIL said to you at one point to my own mom (well, not the daughter part...the part where she said "You have a mother..") - I felt like I needed to explain to my mom that while I''m close to DH''s mom, I already have a mom. Nothing will ever change that. While her timing was certainly strange and awkward, I think it''s a really common sentiment between ILs.

The MIL relationship is a really strange one, and it DOES take time to establish. Even when you hit it off with your MIL (the second I met her and DH''s sister, I understood why DH was so capable of keeping up with a strong woman!), there are bumps. For example, sometimes I have to reel myself in and realize that no matter how much my ILs love me and I them, I just shouldn''t talk as freely around them as I do with my own parents.

So if things aren''t as easy-peasy from the get-go, the relationship IS going to take more work. Sometimes "work" means backing off a little, too (which is what I''ve learned to do with DH''s dad and step-mom - they have a very different personality than I do). I hate to sound like a broken record, but consider this experience as the first lesson in being engaged. It''s wonderful that you are your FI are presenting a united front (major kudos, I think this is really important for a marriage), but what you''ll find as your wedding gets closer is that it''s not only a transition for you, but everyone around you. Friends will act strange, your own parents will say and do things that make you scream, and especially the relationships with the in-laws can get really, really bizzarro. I was miserable for much of my engagement for these reasons - it''s a myth that engagement is a happy period. It isn''t. No matter how long you''ve been with your FI, marriage is a rite of passage, and as such, everyone is aware of the changes that will surround you and your FI. It''s hard, and it sounds like your FMIL is going to have a rough time transitioning - with rites of passages does come a grieving stage. I don''t think it''s an excuse for her behavior, but at least a jumping off point for understanding what''s at the root and a starting point for conversation with her.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/11/2008 10:22:47 PM
Author: Gypsy
I agree with Zoe that from the examples given, I''m not see the ''FMIL is a b*tch'' thing. (Totally agree with the not seeing the ''mentally imbalanced'' thing too).


And I think you really over-reacted to Indy''s post which in my opinion was saying, in a dipolmatic way, that you may want to see what you can do to make this better, in a calm and reasonable way, before escalating it and forcing FI to chose sides. And giving you advice and perspective on how you can do things differently next time.


I''ve seen some offensive posts, been on the receiving end of a few, and perhaps in some people''s opinions written a few... and I gotta tell ya, Indy''s wasn''t it. And the way you jumped all over Indy... makes me kinda think your overreacting to your FMIL too and seeing b*tches where there are only people who disagree with you or hold a different view point.

ditto.

also, i looked back and saw that the comment in the kitchen was directed at her. this might be because i''ve been known to stick my foot in my mouth on (frequent) occasion, but it sort of sounds like a case of self disclosure gone bad. (meaning, good intentions, bad idea). shrug. either way, neither of the examples strike me as malicious or evil, more awkward and uncomfortable.

DF - i''m sorry you''ve had a rough past with your own MIL. but in this case, for pearl, there''s not really undeniable evidence that she is TRYING to actuallyhurt or harm her. is she being passive aggressive? sure...but it might not be out of malice.she might be doing the best she can. who among us hasn''t handled ourselves in a less-than-becoming way at one point or another when we were in a situation that was tough on us? not everyone can be spot on with their behavior 100% of the time, and it''s just a matter of cutting people some slack. it''s easy to point out other people''s missteps and say "well I wouldn''t have done that", but until you''ve been there, there''s just no saying. SHOULD she have handled it differently? sure. but that doesn''t mean that understanding and forgiveness have no place in the situation.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/11/2008 10:26:55 PM
Author: Elmorton
The MIL relationship is a really strange one, and it DOES take time to establish. Even when you hit it off with your MIL (the second I met her and DH''s sister, I understood why DH was so capable of keeping up with a strong woman!), there are bumps. For example, sometimes I have to reel myself in and realize that no matter how much my ILs love me and I them, I just shouldn''t talk as freely around them as I do with my own parents.

So if things aren''t as easy-peasy from the get-go, the relationship IS going to take more work. Sometimes ''work'' means backing off a little, too (which is what I''ve learned to do with DH''s dad and step-mom - they have a very different personality than I do). I hate to sound like a broken record, but consider this experience as the first lesson in being engaged. It''s wonderful that you are your FI are presenting a united front (major kudos, I think this is really important for a marriage), but what you''ll find as your wedding gets closer is that it''s not only a transition for you, but everyone around you. Friends will act strange, your own parents will say and do things that make you scream, and especially the relationships with the in-laws can get really, really bizzarro. I was miserable for much of my engagement for these reasons - it''s a myth that engagement is a happy period. It isn''t. No matter how long you''ve been with your FI, marriage is a rite of passage, and as such, everyone is aware of the changes that will surround you and your FI. It''s hard, and it sounds like your FMIL is going to have a rough time transitioning - with rites of passages does come a grieving stage. I don''t think it''s an excuse for her behavior, but at least a jumping off point for understanding what''s at the root and a starting point for conversation with her.

. exactly!

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Wow! This has certainly become a heated discussion since I''ve been at work!

I appreciate everyone''s input, so lets see if I have the time to respond to everyone individually...

WishfulThinking: Thank you for your kind words. Your response was really the type I was looking for when I first posted this. I was extremely emotional about this whole thing and just needed a little pat on the back. It''s great that your FMIL has gotten to the point where she is excited for you two and is helping plan the wedding! Thanks for the congrats, and congrats to you as well!


BlondeBunny: I really appreciate your comments! I think that you really get where I''m coming from in all of this and it was really nice to have someone try to see the whole thing from my point of view. And the things you said about the invites and her comments, and the fact that my original post was for venting purposes only and not to get advice were spot on. Again, thank you. And thanks for your sweet comments about my e-ring and also your input in my other thread about my colors. I really appreciate it. Hopefully you''ll have that gorgeous ring of yours on your finger too!



DMBFireDancer: Thank you for your input. I really appreciate your kind words. <3


Honey22: Haha your post totally made me laugh. Karma does tend to nip things in the bud that way. Thanks for your kind words. And congrats on your recent engagement as well!


Deelight: Thank you for your input. I hope FI can help smooth things over as well. I''m really hoping to have all of this nonsense behind us. And my new FI certainly IS lovely and supportive!

I feel so lucky to have him.


Bee*: Yeah, that''s what I''m definitely wondering as well. I''m glad it''s not just me that thinks the whole mother/daughter thing was weird. Thanks!


IndependentGal: I apologize if I came off as rude in my reply to you. My response to your post was done at about 6am when FI left for work and woke me up to say goodbye. I hadn''t slept well because of this whole situation and was hoping to read some sympathetic comments and some "aww i''m so sorry!" type of things and your comment threw me off and put me in an extremely defensive state. I wasn''t trying to be rude, and actually after reading it over again, I don''t think that I was rude, but if it came across that way, I apologize. I was just trying to clarify things because I felt as though part of your post was accusatory as though this was my fault and I was just an idiot and didn''t understand her. Which I definitely don''t think is the case.


FieryRed33143: I definitely understand that letting go of children isn''t easy, especially in their case since he was adopted and her only son and eldest child, but that still doesn''t excuse a grown woman treating her future daughter-in-law disrespectfully, which is what I feel she is going. I feel as though I DO cut her a great amount of slack. FI and I have lived together for a little over a year and I have agreed to go over there almost every week for dinner to appease her. I see her more than I even see my own mother! I feel as though I''ve tried to make this as easy a transition for her as possible.


dockman3: It was definitely interesting to hear a guys point of view on this situation. I''m sorry to hear that your mother and soon to be fiancee are having the same issues. It''s definitely hard to deal with the tension. I think FI is going to talk to her and we''ll see if things get better after that. If not, we might all have to sit down together to really get our point across.


BizouMom: The card that your DIL sent you sounds very sweet. If I felt like she was making any attempt to accept me, I might think of sending such a card, but at this point in time, it seems like wasted energy. But I appreciate the idea! It''s great that you and your DIL have a good relationship!


lliang chi: Thanks for you input. I know IndyGal was just trying to be helpful, but it was really just too soon to read that point of view. Thanks for the good luck wishes! I definitely need them!


Sabine: Thanks for your advice. I would love to actually sit down with FMIL and have a conversation about all of this, but she really is such a strange person that I''m sure she would brush it all off and not really be willing to talk to me about any of it. I think it will be more effective if FI talks to her, like you said, but I''m not sure if at this time, me saying anything to her would really work. She is a very, very odd woman...


NewEnglandLady: Over the past three years FMIL has made several comments to me, as well as made difficult situations arise that have all made me feel unwelcome. So this is definitely not the first time. This is just the most recent, and probably one of the most hurtful considering the timing. As far as the invite situation, BlondeBunny really got it right when she said that FMIL basically took that on as her project. I must have not explained it thoroughly enough in my original post, but I really was under the impression that she wanted to be in charge of inviting everyone and that she wanted it to be her contribution to the party. Thank you for the rest of your advice and comments. I really appreciate your input. P.S. your avatar is ADORABLE!


Italiahaircolor: I''m sorry you have to go through the same sort of MIL situation, but you definitely seem to have accepted it, which is what I hope I can do if we can''t change things. Also I''m not sure if I was unclear in my post, but I didn''t even say anything to FI about his mother and her comment in the beginning. He noticed it and brought it up himself. I would never try to divide them and I wouldn''t ever bad mouth his mother to him. But he heard what she said and he saw the look, and add that on top of the things I''ve informed him of in the past, he was very upset and disappointed in his mom. So hopefully that clears up any confusion. And thank your for your input in your second post. I know that posting on here about any issue I have opens me up to opinions from many different types of people, but I wasn''t really hoping or asking for advice... Just some good old fashioned sympathy. Haha. Oh well. Thanks for taking a minute to see things from my point of view and really understand what I''m going through and how I''m looking at all of this. I appreciate your input!!


aprilcait: Thanks for your input and your kind words. I really appreciate it. I want to open up communication with FMIL, but I can already tell that it wouldn''t really be like sitting down and having a rational conversation with someone, because she really isn''t a very rational person, and I can TOTALLY picture her just brushing me off and acting like she had no idea what I was talking about. But thanks for the advice just the same. Also, you look absolutely gorgeous in your avatar!!!


Princess: I do know that venting rarely solves problems. But I really didn''t come here to try and solve the problem. FI and I are going to solve this together. I was just coming here for some girlie support. Ya know, a shoulder to cry on type thing. So thank you for your support and your good luck wishes, and also your comments about FI. He really is great. And thanks for agreeing that the mother/daughter comment was odd. Also, your kitty is so cute!!!


Risingsun: Haha your post definitely made me laugh! I really appreciate your input and your advice. We might try to have a conversation with her together, but as I''ve said above, I''m not sure anything I could say to her would be very effective. I think these things coming from her son might work a bit better. She is a very strange woman...


Ilovethiswebsite: Haha, that could definitely be a possibility! Her behavior in almost every situation is pretty erratic, not just when it comes to me and my relationship with her son.


Courtneylub: I know people are just trying to help with their input, but as you''ve said, you can understand the defensive response I had. But I do think that there are different ways of giving advice. Several other people in this thread having given me advice in a way that showed they were sensitive to my feelings on the subject and that they were genuinely trying to help me out. IMO, I wasn''t rude to Indy in my response. I felt as though her approach in her original post was actually a bit rude and condescending. But you can definitely have whatever opinion you would like!


doodle: As I''ve said above, I don''t think I was rude to Indy, and if anyone else on this site wants to think that I was and is going to have that affect whether they respond to any of my future threads, then that''s their decision. It really doesn''t bother me because I viewed my response as more of a clarification than anything else. Yes I''ll admit that I was defensive, but I wouldn''t say rude. In response to the other aspects of your post, thank you for your well wishes. I appreciate it. I do want to try and make things work with her because I know she''s here to stay, and I do understand that this is rough for her, but it just seems like it shouldn''t be this hard. Ya know? Anyway, thank you for your advice and input. Also, if the beginning of this response sounded rude, I''m not meaning for it to be, but I just felt like I need to respond to what you said and I''m not sure how else I can do that and still get my feelings across.


Steel: Thank you thank you for your response. It really made me feel understood. I''m sorry you and your MIL are on the outs. Hopefully you two can mend your relationship as well. I think this would be more of a "teething" problem, at least I HOPE so! I mean, throughout our relationship she really hasn''t gone out of her way to be nice to me, but she has had her moments! Hopefully we can hash things out. And omg your kitty is so adorable! Also, I just saw your other response, and we didn''t invite them because FMIL offered and basically made it seem like she wanted to take it on as her own thing. She LOVES being the center of everything and having excuses to call every member of the family to invite them to one thing or another. But in the future I will DEFINITELY be doing all of the inviting.


ZoeBartlett: I''m definitely going to do any future invites on my own. But you''re right on when you say that FMIL probably would''ve been upset if I hadn''t let her "invite" the family. Although honestly, I don''t think she ever had any intention of inviting them as to not be upstaged by me for Christmas...


Blondie23: Thanks for your input. I wish I would have said something to her right then and there about how that made me feel, but it just caught me so off guard I had no time to think about it. Which is actually how things usually go with her. She will be sweet and seem nice and then BAM she''ll hit ya with a rude comment out of the blue. Totally throws me off every time.


Gwyn: I greatly appreciate your response! It really makes me feel as though you understand where I''m coming from and I SO appreciate you taking the time to step in my shoes and look at things from my point of view. Yours was definitely the type of response I was looking for to help me feel better, and it definitely did. Thank you thank you!


MaggieB: That exercise actually sounds very interesting! Perhaps I''ll give it a try. Thanks for your suggestion and input!


Diamondfan: Thanks for your kind words and input. I''m sorry you have MIL drama! Why oh why do they have to live up to the stereotype? I really appreciate your response! I feel so understood! Haha.



Whew! So that took me a good two hours! If anyone has responded between now and when I first started typing this, I will definitely get back to you later. Thanks for everyone input. I really didn''t expect to get this much input, but reading everyones responses has really made me think about everything more and I''m definitely starting to feel better about it and not take it as personally as I did last night. Hopefully FI will talk to his mom soon. I think he''s going over there tomorrow because it''s his day off. And hopefully we can get this cleared up quickly. I would really like to have a great relationship with my FMIL. So thanks again to everyone! Wow my hands are tired...

 

[diamondfan]

Mimzy, I totally get that. We all have opened our mouths and had regret for what came out, at least reasonable people do. No one is perfect and we all get in snits or moods here and there. Her mother in law might be a doll and really love Pearl, and just not be awesome when she is less prepared. Or she might be not so nice and not at all being easy on Pearl, we cannot really know the ultimate stuff.

However, this was portrayed as a pattern of behavior, a few of many incidences in which his mom is not being kind or nice or welcoming. And let''s be honest, mother in law daughter in law is a potential minefield, I applaud those mom and daughter in laws who get along, be it really mutual and natural or via work and effort, I wanted to get along with mine but it takes two people. Sometimes, a mother in law to be just does not like her daughter in law to be, does not want to let her son go, is not going to embrace the girl easily. Other times, well intentioned and well meaning people mess up, and we must be able to forgive and overlook. I tried in the beginning and I overlooked A LOT. And finally I came to see she was not constantly "accidentally" being snarky, she meant to make issues and the more I ignored the worse it got. Of course, I am not able to really pin down Pearl''s mother in law and her thoughts and feelings, but Pearl said this was just a few of many examples and she clearly feels 100% that she is not being welcomed by her. So, even if Pearl is wrong, it is how she sees it, and things will not be easy or pleasant if something is not done sooner rather than later...

 

[PearlDahhhling]

So I''m just going to say to some of you, if you don''t have anything nice or constructive to say, then please don''t say anything at all. It seems like with a few of you, this is a no-win situation and no matter WHICH example I give you, she doesn''t seem like a bitch and I am in the wrong just because you feel like shaking things up a bit. If you don''t think she was being a bitch (which I cannot understand for the life of me, because if you''d actually been there and heard her and seen her, then you''d agree with me) then just keep it to yourself. What good is it going to do for anyone to come on here and say that they think I''m wrong and she''s right? Or that I must just be insane and over-reacting to everything and everyone? It''s just not helpful.

 

[Linda W]

Oh no, another MIL story. Pearl, I do hope your FI can straighten things out with his mother and that you both can have a good relationship.

If not, please do not take any of her garbage. DH and I do not speak to his mother any more. She is the wicked witch of the east, just like Diamondfan''s MIL. At first I thought she was upset I was taking her son away, but her venom towards me, has lasted 30 years.

I am sending you hugs.


Linda

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 8/11/2008 11:31:24 PM
Author: Linda W
Oh no, another MIL story. Pearl, I do hope your FI can straighten things out with his mother and that you both can have a good relationship.


If not, please do not take any of her garbage. DH and I do not speak to his mother any more. She is the wicked witch of the east, just like Diamondfan''s MIL. At first I thought she was upset I was taking her son away, but her venom towards me, has lasted 30 years.


I am sending you hugs.



Linda

I''m so sorry you have to deal with that!!!

Thanks for your input and your hugs. And here''s some hugs right back to ya!

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 8/11/2008 11:28:16 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling
So I'm just going to say to some of you, if you don't have anything nice or constructive to say, then please don't say anything at all. It seems like with a few of you, this is a no-win situation and no matter WHICH example I give you, she doesn't seem like a bitch and I am in the wrong just because you feel like shaking things up a bit. If you don't think she was being a bitch (which I cannot understand for the life of me, because if you'd actually been there and heard her and seen her, then you'd agree with me) then just keep it to yourself. What good is it going to do for anyone to come on here and say that they think I'm wrong and she's right? Or that I must just be insane and over-reacting to everything and everyone? It's just not helpful.

Pearl. You're new on this forum so here goes some contructive advice you can take or leave: You are posting on a public board. Everytime you post you are opening yourself up to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that anyone on here choses to post (within the forum rules), helpful or not. You are either gonna want to refrain from posting, or develop a thicker skin. It's just a fact. And some of the people who are disagreeing with you are trying to help you, believe it or not... they just see things differently than you do. Constructive is in the eye of the beholder. If you only want people who agree with you, and give you kudos and praise... you are going to continue to be dissappointed. Best of luck.

 

[diamondfan]

Linda, can you imagine that she cannot let it go after all this time? I mean, get a life! You are her son''s wife, get it working so that she can just make it work and not be x''ed out of her son''s life.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

PearlDahhhling, after the incident with your FMIL over the weekend, then taking a huge chunk of time to respond to all of us after work today you must be exhausted and drained! I hope you can get some rest and start to feel better. Maybe you and your FI can talk about it after you''ve had a few days to decompress? In any case, I''m sorry about the rough weekend! Here''s to a better week!

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 8/11/2008 11:39:07 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 8/11/2008 11:28:16 PM

Author: PearlDahhhling

So I''m just going to say to some of you, if you don''t have anything nice or constructive to say, then please don''t say anything at all. It seems like with a few of you, this is a no-win situation and no matter WHICH example I give you, she doesn''t seem like a bitch and I am in the wrong just because you feel like shaking things up a bit. If you don''t think she was being a bitch (which I cannot understand for the life of me, because if you''d actually been there and heard her and seen her, then you''d agree with me) then just keep it to yourself. What good is it going to do for anyone to come on here and say that they think I''m wrong and she''s right? Or that I must just be insane and over-reacting to everything and everyone? It''s just not helpful.

Pearl. You''re new on this forum so here goes some contructive advice you can take or leave: You are posting on a public board. Everytime you post you are opening yourself up to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that anyone on here choses to post (within the forum rules), helpful or not. You are either gonna want to refrain from posting, or develop a thicker skin. It''s just a fact. And some of the people who are disagreeing with you are trying to help you, believe it or not... they just see things differently than you do. Constructive is in the eye of the beholder. If you only want people who agree with you, and give you kudos and praise... you are going to continue to be dissappointed.

There is a huge difference between being politely constructive, and "constructive" in a condescending way. Obviously I wouldn''t be saying any of this if I had felt that certain people were honestly trying to help me out instead of trying to act like they knew more than me or like they understood the situation better than I. Obviously if you''ve read any of my responses to people, you''d see that I do appreciate the advice that has been given to me, but those whose advice I find helpful are people who have presented it in such a way as to seem genuinely concerned about the situation and with being helpful, rather than trying to make me look bad.

 

[doodle]

something you said earlier made me wonder this, so i figured i''d ask--does she treat you in a noticeably different way from everyone else or is she a little off with everyone?

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 8/12/2008 12:07:49 AM
Author: doodle
something you said earlier made me wonder this, so i figured i''d ask--does she treat you in a noticeably different way from everyone else or is she a little off with everyone?

I''m glad you asked this because I wanted to bring it up earlier but it slipped my mind. Yes, she noticeably treats me differently. We have family get togethers all the time and I have noticed on many many occasions that she singles me out somehow or doesn''t *quite* include me. And I haven''t seen her act the way she does towards me with anyone else.

 

[Linda W]

Pear, my MIL did the same thing to me. Used to ask everyone if they wanted coffee, but didn''t ask me. My DH used to get so upset. This was only one of the little quirks she used to do.

 

[diamondfan]

Mine comes in and says hi to everyone but me, including when she came over to my house.

One Mother''s day, she had been so disgusting to me in the days prior, told my husband she had better make nice or not darken my doorway.

Marginalizing you and making you feel like a non person, that is just crap to me. Ridiculous.

 

[nclrgirl]

Date: 8/11/2008 11:28:16 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling
So I''m just going to say to some of you, if you don''t have anything nice or constructive to say, then please don''t say anything at all. It seems like with a few of you, this is a no-win situation and no matter WHICH example I give you, she doesn''t seem like a bitch and I am in the wrong just because you feel like shaking things up a bit. If you don''t think she was being a bitch (which I cannot understand for the life of me, because if you''d actually been there and heard her and seen her, then you''d agree with me) then just keep it to yourself. What good is it going to do for anyone to come on here and say that they think I''m wrong and she''s right? Or that I must just be insane and over-reacting to everything and everyone? It''s just not helpful.

Pearl, When I read your OP, I felt horrible for you and was going to write a sympathetic post sending you good wishes and encouragement. Here it is: that really stinks! It''s terrible to be in that situation, and I just want to say keep your head up, keep smiling, stay strong and true to yourself, don''t let your FMIL''s actions take away from the kindness that you have, and hopefully things will get better for you.

I must say though, the reason why I did not respond the first time that I saw your thread is because I was shocked at your response to Indy''s helpful words. It''s tough when posting on a public forum how a quick reaction can turn people off. It happens IRL as well. It''s a good life-lesson to hear from strangers how your words affected their impression of you, because you can learn and not have your job, friendships, family relationships impacted.

Good luck to you! And many many well wishes!