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ever not bonded with a pet?

Discussion in 'Family, Home & Health' started by partgypsy, Jun 15, 2008.

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  1. Lorelei
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    by Lorelei » Jun 25, 2008
    It sounds as if things are really moving in a positive direction, keep going!!![​IMG][​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
  2. partgypsy
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    by partgypsy » Jun 25, 2008
    Chuck probably REALLY likes us now! A couple days ago I fed the kids dinner (potroast with casserole of potatoes and carrots). My eldest daughter has been sick so I carried her to the den and was trying to cheer her up. After a few minutes it sunk in- the potroast is unguarded! I run to the kitchen and yes gravy splattered everywhere like a murder scene, potroast down. I yelled and he dropped it but the damage was done.
    Suffice to say while he didn''t get dinner that night, he has been having pot roast for every meal since then [​IMG].
     
  3. FrekeChild
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    by FrekeChild » Jun 25, 2008
    Lol! I hope Chuck likes his pot roast!

    I''m glad that things sound like they are getting much better!
     
  4. partgypsy
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    by partgypsy » Aug 20, 2008
    Well this is not a good update but feel I have to get it off my chest. I am not bonded with Chuck, and if anything Chuck and I have developed an antagonistic/negative affect relationship with each other. This could be in part due to me, missing my other dog and feeling ambivalent towards him, that he can sense and is reacting. Anyways not going to go into all the details, but the way things are I cannot train him (nor frankly am interested), and if I can''t train him I can''t trust him around our children, or our children''s friends. I brought it up with my husband (yet again) this morning saying I wanted to talk about Chuck at some later point but of course he says we have to talk about it now, and does so in front of the children so I am the bad guy, and that Chuck stays, etc. I''m just so tired of this. A month after we got the dog we had a discussion he agreed that he would give the dogs walks and train him. He has not, and so when my husband leaves in the evening leaving me here by myself with the kids, Chuck goes all psycho on me. Since my husband is not around he thinks I''m exaggerating but I''m not. I have many many regrets about this whole situation including

    a) should not have adopted or looked at dogs when still undergoing shock and loss of former pet. A year would have been good.
    b) Should have researched what type of dog that was more suitable for our children and lifestyle, and should have realized the dog’s activity level (with broken leg) was not characteristic of the dog''s true behavior.
    c) Should have discussed a trial period, to see if dog fit in with family
    d) should have found out whether dog got along with our other pet (a cat) or possible to train that they could get along.
    e) should have included other family members in decision (older daughter did not like dog from start)
    I seriously feel like I''m going to have a nervous breakdown if this continues.
    I don''t want to put the dog on the street, but I want to have a rational discussion with my husband about at least having a "dialoge" about finding a more suitable home for Chuck.
     
    


    


  5. Dogmom
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    by Dogmom » Aug 20, 2008
    I'm sorry to hear things are not going well with Chuck. Dogs can be incredibly intuitive and it is possible he is picking up on your negative feelings towards him. The poor thing has already been returned to his foster home three times, not to mention he probably did not have the best life before he was rescued. All of that taken together has most likely created some behavioral issues with him.

    He would probably benefit by a visit with an animal behaviorist. Not a dog trainer, but a certified behaviorist that can diagnose what his issues are and suggest viable solutions to address them. Check with your local SPCA or Humane Society, they may have someone on their staff who can help.

    It took a good six months for me to even begin to bond with the second dog I adopted from the local SPCA. She will never be the affectionate cuddle-bug I had hoped, but I have come to love and appreciate her quirkiness.

    You've done what you can and are willing to do. It may be time to just accept it's not working and try to find another option for him. There is no shame in that and bless you for giving it a try.
     
  6. trillionaire
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    by trillionaire » Aug 20, 2008
    I had a really mean turtle in college. It ran away eventually.

    I have a really mean frog. It ate my other frog.
     
  7. Linda W
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    by Linda W » Aug 20, 2008
    I am really sorry to hear this. Please find Chuck a good home as quickly as you can. Dogs can sense when people do not like them.

    As an avid dog lover, Chuck has been through a lot and really doesn''t need to go through any more. I applaud you for trying, but it isn''t working out. He needs to be in a loving home.


    Linda
     
  8. Diamond Confused
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    by Diamond Confused » Aug 21, 2008
    Hi part gypsy. I''m kind of in the same situation as you are. My boyfriend and I got a 20 week old dog about 2 months ago. We got him because my boyfriend really wanted him. I knew deep inside that it was a bad idea but i caved in and said okay to purchasing the dog. THough I think he''s a wonderful dog, very well behaved and easy to train, he just doesn''t fit in to our lifestyle. my boyfriend leaves at 7 am and gets home around 8pm. So who takes care of the dog... me. Anyway, I just feel like I don''t have the time or patience for the dog. My summer school grade suffered because instead of going stright to the library after class I had to drive all the way home to feed the dog, walk him, play with him and clean up after him since he was still having a lot of "accidents." To make matters worse we are not supposed to have a dog so I''m constantlyl worrying that he''ll bark when he''s home alone and bored. Like you my anxiety level has tripled and I have actually broken down into tears out of frustration. My boyfriend thinks I''m overreacting. It makes me so angry that he doesn''t understand or even try to. He doesn''t undderstand because he''s not the one that has to deal with the dog day after day. He''s not home with him enough hours to really get it. He does not want to get rid of the dog and I feel like if we did he''d resent me.
     
  9. partgypsy
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    by partgypsy » Aug 21, 2008
    His behavior has gotten better. But there are 2 main issues. Like you diamond confused, I have this whole issue where there are problems, my husband wants to keep the dog and we had a long discussion about it and he agreed to be responsible for trainining it and walks. Well he went to 2 classes, and I know that he is not giving the dog walks because often I am at home in the evening with the kids by myself and that''s when Chuck becomes hell dog. Basically he will keep barking at me (a loud grow-bark), if I tell him to settle down he will run away from me, then back to barking at me, and if I continue to ignore him he will then go for my hands. I often end up having to either drag him outside or put him in his crate.
    The second issue is biting. When we first got him he bit alot. Again my husband excuses all this as it is play biting trying to initiate play, but I don''t care what it is, he used to just go up to us and just bite us, and often bit at the back of my knees when my back was turned. Me and my 5 year old and 1 1/2 year old all had bruises on us from his bites.
    Some evening this Saturday Chuck again gets hyper so I grab one of his toys to play with him, and he lunges up and bites my hand Hard. All the dogs I''ve had before if their teeth touch skin, its like my bad, and let go. Well he broke my skin and I also have a big bruise on my hand. Since we were playing again according to my husband it''s not his fault, but again there is nothing stopping him from doing the same thing to one of our kids.

    A couple days later our brother in law calls us that our daughter''s cousin got bit by Chuck when she was over here. They were roughhousing with the dog, and my husband is in the other room. This makes me very concerned that my husband is letting them essentially work up this dog and is not monitoring the situation. After I got bite another parent whose child comes to our house confides to me that her daughter is "terrified" of our dog. I found out when I called my sister about this she has been stopping my mother from calling me as my Mom is very concerned about Chuck and my sister keeps telling her to stay out of it. I was very surprised to hear this because my mother spent ALOT of time interacting with Chuck when she was visiting so I assumed that she liked Chuck, and my mother is a huge animal lover (she often inherits other people''s "leftovers". A theme that comes out from my brother in law, the other parent, my mother, is that they don''t "trust" Chuck around the kids as his behavior is too uncontrolled.

    Chuck and my husband have the best relationship in the house. My husbands response to all these things, is that I was bit when we were playing, Isabel was bit when they were rough housing and is a drama queen, the other child is a "wall flower", the parent just doesn''t like dogs, my family doesn''t know what they are talking about.

    When I brought this up he could tell I was serious, and he got really angry saying if I make him get rid of this dog then our relationship will never be the same, he will sleep on the couch etc. So basically we are not on talking terms right now and it is tough.
     
  10. Dogmom
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    by Dogmom » Aug 21, 2008
    Your husband is being childish and needs to start taking the situation seriously. Chuck is probably playing, and if allowed to continue, someone WILL get hurt and Chuck will end up being euthanized. Chuck needs professional help, training, and an owner who can handle him.
     
    


    


  11. partgypsy
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    by partgypsy » Aug 21, 2008
    Thank you. I literally feel like I am going crazy with this situation. I don''t feel proud to do this. After 5 months of this with so many negative interactions, even though he is better, I simply dislike the dog. Like I told my sister, I feel this dog is making me an evil person.

    This morning another argument with my husband, again saying stuff like I am selfish, fickle, mean, can''t trust me, and our relationship will be damaged if I make him give up the dog. And telling the kids that if we give up Chuck we are never getting another dog again. Nice. At this point I don''t care if I''m labeled the mean, crazy etc parent as long as we find another home for him.
     
  12. WTNLVR
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    by WTNLVR » Aug 21, 2008
    I''m a huge dog lover, but frankly you need to bring the dog back to where you got it. It sounds like they would be willing to take it back. The dog obviously has issues as you are the 3rd home it''s been in. Biting people is not o.k.. I had a friend in a very similiar situation and she ended up having to put the dog down as it was a biter and ended up atttacking her. She tried everything including a dog behavioralist from Tufts. You''re opening yourself up to a major lawsuit if he really hurts someone. Good luck!
     
  13. Pandora II
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    by Pandora II » Aug 21, 2008
    I think you need to call time on the situation. The only potential way round is to put huge amounts of time and effort into the dog and I''m sensing that you don''t want to and your husband won''t step up.

    My female hedgehog came from a home where she was unloved, never played with or socialised and given too small a space to live in and no wheel (they love and need wheels). She HATED me from the start and bit like crazy - hedgehog bites are not fun.

    I spent 6 months working with her, and a friend spent a fortnight working with her while we were away. She''s not as tame as my other one, but she is now the sweetest creature and hasn''t bitten anyone in over a year now.

    It took a huge amount of time, work, patience and very sore fingers/hands - stomach even [​IMG] to get there. It was worth it, but my heart was in it 100%.

    Both you and the dog deserve better...
     
  14. NovemberBride
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    by NovemberBride » Aug 21, 2008
    I agree that you need to take the dog back to the shelter so that he can find a loving home. Although you say that you would feel bad and hypocritical if you did that, what you are doing now is worse IMHO. This poor dog has been shuffled from home to home with no one taking enough time to train him - his behavior is not his fault, it is the fault of all the people that did not take the time to train him and socialize him correctly. DH and I adopted our little pup and when we got him he behaved a lot like Chuck. It has taken a lot of time and patience on our part to turn him into a good family pet. We attend obedience classes and practice the behaviors at home, take him on several long walks a day and just generally give him a lot of attention. We don''t have kids yet, and I can see how with kids it would be hard to put in all the work that is really needed with a rescue dog. I applaud you for making the effort, it''s certainly not easy, but I just don''t think your current situation is fair to anyone, most of all Chuck.
     
  15. Linda W
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    by Linda W » Aug 21, 2008

    I totally agree with this. Poor Chuck needs to find another home ASAP.
     
    


    


  16. partgypsy
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    by partgypsy » Aug 21, 2008
    We cannot give him back to the people we got him from, first of all because there was no trial period, second they made it clear they could not keep Chuck because they have an infant who is high needs, and third they moved to Chicago (I don''t think they had anyone else that wanted the dog at that point). My husband told me that if I want to get rid of Chuck I would need to find a home for him, and he has to approve the home. Our main shelter is a kill shelter which is one of the main reasons the foster people kept him (and so of course is out of the question). There is a no kill shelter but I have heard informally that it is not accepting any animals at this time. I should call them just to be sure. My husband knows a huge number of people so hopefully when he calms down he will also put out some feelers.
    I again should clarify that he is not a bad dog. The week that I had him by myself (when husband and kids went up to grandparents) he was the best behaved I''ve seen him. I took him out on a long walk every morning and often a short walk in the evening, and he was very calm and attentive. It''s just that that is not our life right now.
     
  17. partgypsy
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    by partgypsy » Aug 21, 2008
    A funny (well not that funny) thing was my husband told our oldest daughter that if we (I) got rid of Chuck we would never get another dog again, I think hoping she would get upset and plead to keep the dog. She instead shrugged and said, well at least we would have the cat. She was perfectly fine with us getting rid of Chuck, which I think says something.
     
  18. Linda W
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    by Linda W » Aug 21, 2008
    It is a very sad situation.
     
  19. tiffanytwisted
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    by tiffanytwisted » Aug 21, 2008
    I think this is a very sad situation also. Even the best behaved dogs misbehave when they are bored and/or not exercised enough. Your husband said he would take him to obedience class, didn''t, said he would walk him, doesn''t, and gets angry at you for bringing up the topic. He''s trying to turn your children against you for even suggesting that you get rid of Chuck, it seems to me that there are more issues here than just the dog. It''s unfortunate that Chuck is stuck in the middle of it all.

    I don''t recall if you mentioned what breed or mix Chuck is? Have you looked into rescue groups? Many rescue groups will take dogs that are mixes of that breed also. Maybe that could be an option. You could also ask your vet if they have any recommendations, many vets are familiar with no kill shelters etc. It sounds like Chuck could be a good pet for someone with time, no kids, no other animals. Your vet may have some suggestions.
     
  20. partgypsy
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    by partgypsy » Aug 21, 2008
    Thank you for all your responses. Like you said, this situation is not fair to the dog as well. I contacted the no kill shelter (actually it''s a network of foster homes) and yes they are all full but the lady sent me back a long email full of information about how to go best about finding a good home, which included posting at vets office, and they offer a free listing service.

    I really don''t know what type of dog he is, very much a mix. He is smaller (40 lbs) but some comments I have gotten is that he may be part shephard or part rotty. Behavior wise he can act like my husband''s former dog who was mostly border collie.
     
  21. LisaRN
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    by LisaRN » Aug 21, 2008
    I could not stand either of my two dogs when they were new. The chow mix took about 3 months to bond with and the doxie took over 6. They were strangers in my home. Both were rescues. I hung in there until the bond developed. I did have some shameful fantasies of dropping them off at a shelter far away. The doxie was the worst because I thought he hated me and shied away from me and acted like an idiot. I accepted the fact he did not love me and decided to leave it alone and be nice to him ,but not expect too much. He now acts as if I am the best thing in the world and acts a fool when I come home. I can''t imagine living without them. They are my friends, my family now. I understand how you feel. Eventually it all works out with time. It feels bad now, but really- it gets better.

    Lisa
     
  22. iheartscience
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    by iheartscience » Aug 21, 2008
    I think you should return your husband for his behavior problems! [​IMG] I can''t believe his behavior in this situation! I would understand him being more upset if he had actually held up his end of the bargain, but he didn''t. He doesn''t even walk the dog, but your relationship will change forever if you get the dog a new home? Not to mention he''s unconcerned with BITE MARKS on you and your CHILDREN?!!! That''s just insane. I''m sorry you''re dealing with that on top of all the drama with Chuck the dog.

    You''re clearly concerned about Chuck''s welfare, and it sounds like you''ve done the best you can with the situation. Him biting you and your children is obviously unacceptable, so I think it''s obvious that you have to find him a new home. Good luck and I hope he''ll find someone who can take the time with him to rehabilitate him into a calmer, more loving dog.
     
  23. purrfectpear
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    by purrfectpear » Aug 21, 2008
    Chuck deserves better. Much better. It''s not his fault that your hubby won''t make him a priority and that you resent both Chuck and your husband.
    I hope he finds the forever home he needs.
     
  24. partgypsy
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    by partgypsy » Aug 22, 2008
    Same story. Basically he did admit that when had discussion that he did say the dog stays, no matter what. I kept on him what would make him change his mind and basically the only thing would be an unprovoked attack by dog on the children. But even breaking the skin if they were playing is ok. The other night our older daughter who is tired of her parents fighting told me, "It''s ok Mommy, I don''t mind if Chuck bites me." [​IMG]

    He wants 10 days where I cannot do anything as far as looking for another home for Chuck, so he has 10 days to "change my mind" (or get the dog more entrenched, or I just give up). After the 10 days I then have to do all the work for finding another home for him, and he veto power for the home. This is making me feel quite hopeless. I did send an email to the lady we got the dog from explaining my prediciment. I had my husband talk to his parents, who are big animal lovers but also rational. He talked to them, but I guess is still not budging, still the cold shoulder. I can understand his frustration because Chuck is ALOT better than when we first got him when we both wanted to throw in the towel, the only thing preventing us was knowing that he was unadoptable at that point with no where to go. The issue isn''t really so much about Chuck, but me. I either want a dog that I am willing and motivated to work with, or I don''t want a dog at all. I can even imagine if I could just take a break, if someone could take the dog for a year, then the children would be older and I would be recovered from the trauma of it all [​IMG].
    Yes, I think there is some marital dynamics that are at work. A continuing refrain is my husband basically taking on things like helping sister with child, art projects, free lance non paying music projects that take up his day and evenings. It makes our home life chaotic and there is a lack of communication so I only hear about it at the last minute. So there are many evenings where I am alone with the kids and the dog is just one more reminder of unfulfilled promises. I truly feel there is a forever home out there for Chuck, but I also know if my husband has me back down on this, even if I make up with the dog I will hold a grudge against him about it.
    This is all way personal, but I feel like I need to unload.
     
  25. Linda W
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    by Linda W » Aug 22, 2008
    I feel so sorry for Chuck, my heart breaks. It is obvious you don''t want him and you have tried. Your husband is being very unreasonable. Please find him a loving home, it is only fair for Chuck. No dog should feel unloved and be in a home, where he is unwanted.

    [​IMG]



    Linda
     
  26. Lorelei
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    by Lorelei » Aug 22, 2008
    Ditto. If there is no way that you can love him and want him, then it would be best to find Chuck a new home where he will be appreciated.
     
  27. partgypsy
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    by partgypsy » Aug 25, 2008
    Well it has been an intense week. My husband and I finally talked, and it was good. What I did this week because I was so pissed was basically have minimal interaction with Chuck, and watched him like a hawk. What I learned was a) Chuck started listening and behaving better towards me due to this change in dynamics, and b) he does seem attached to us and the kids, and c) he''s not a bad dog. Although he plays rough when he initiates play, he does not respond in an aggressive or defensive way to kids for all other sorts of behavior they do.
    I asked our oldest daughter what she felt. She said "I like Chuck, but I don''t like his behavior." As far as keeping Chuck, her answer does depend on how she feels at the time. She is 5 so it is up to me and my husband to make a decision.

    I think alot of the anger I felt towards the dog was really anger at my husband, for feeling like he was not listening to me and not giving me any options. Once my husband and I finally discussed things pretty much all of my anger towards the dog lifted.

    My husband agrees that he was slacking off on the dog, and that he agrees that Chuck needs to go back to "boot camp" for a while. This simply means that he gets daily walks (our oldest daughter is starting school so my husband can walk dog with younger daughter in tough traveler carrier during the day). We are going to start working again on desentizing dog to cat, by working on the leave it command using food reinforcement. I have been told, and agree that Chuck needs exercise, discipline, and affection, in that order. We also discussed if I ever feel overwhelmed, that Chuck can go to doggie day care for a week. They also offer an option of day care with reinforcement training, so that is also an option.

    It is too bad that I had to get to the point I felt like I needed to get rid of the dog until my husband started listening, and that he initially responded by attacking me rather than listening to what I was trying to say. Like we have said to each other before, when we work together there is almost nothing we can''t do, but when we don''t, it is awful. Anyways it is not perfect, but I feel alot more hopeful than I did last week, and that we are going to work in a cooperative rather than antagonstic manner on this.
     
  28. movie zombie
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    by movie zombie » Aug 25, 2008
    pg, congratulations on this break through!

    movie zombie
     
  29. Lorelei
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    by Lorelei » Aug 25, 2008
    Ditto!! I am really pleased to hear this!!
     
  30. Linda W
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    by Linda W » Aug 25, 2008
    Make that three. I am also so very happy to hear this. Chuck is getting attached to you and will more so every day. He already loves you and you are most likely are beginning to love him too [​IMG]

    I know things will work out. Please keep us posted.

    Linda
     
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