ever not bonded with a pet?

[partgypsy]

I had a prior thread about a dog we adopted, Chuck. I feel this is a safe place to let loose. We adopted a dog that had been previously abandoned. We have had this dog over two months. He has made some strides in behavior, but has kind of plataued in his improvement. This is in part our fault, because we have not been walking and working with him as much since we fully fenced in our yard.
The main issue is, and I feel really crappy about it, although I can''t speak for my husband, is that I have never fully bonded with this dog. We had alot of difficulty from the beginning with this dog and I got an agreement from my husband we would revisit this in 1 month. When a month went by my husband then said that adopting is a forever thing (normally something I agree with), and that no matter what we were keeping the dog. I told him that it would be his responsibility to train the dog then, and he said yes. I had a good cry, and try to rededicate myself to rehabilitate the dog. I tried for a month, but my heart isn''t into it. And my husband hasn''t been putting any work into training.
The biggest deal though that I feel ashamed of this, I don''t feel bonded to this dog. And part of it is it doesn''t seem like this dog is emotionally attached to us. He doesn''t listen unless food is involved, and runs away when he has the chance.
My oldest daughter who is the biggest animal lover also has a negative relationship with him. I feel maybe I should have spoken up earlier, but kept trying to make it work, and the longer this goes on the worse I feel. I''m sure that there are more things we can try to rehabilitate this dog, but as I am not emotionally attached to the dog I feel no motivation to do them, and my priorities are my job and my two children.
I need to learn acceptance about this but feel angry and resentful about and it is causing me friction with my husband.

 

[Rhea]

Not me personally, but my mother adopted two cats and a few weeks in found that she really couldn't handle one of the cats so she returned it to the shelter. I know she debated a lot and felt very bad about it, but it just didn't work out with that cat. A few months on and my mother is happier and feels less guilty about the situation.

Our (read: my cat, I brought her into the relationship) cat really doesn't get on with DH. I can't relate at all. Cat and I get on just fine. It is a strain on DH & my relationship. Things are getting better as DH is working really hard to get her to bond, but she's just not his cat and probably never will be. I think this is a bit of different situation though because I've had the cat for years.

I hope that you reach some peace with the situation.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

This is actually really common with adopted pets.

I''ve been involved with Newfoundland rescue and volunteered at an animal shelter a couple of years ago. I''d say maybe 25% of the animals come back into foster care after being adopted.

The bottom line is that many times there is a reason an animal is up for adoption--usually it''s because the original owners wanted a dog, but couldn''t handle the responsibility, so the dog wasn''t trained, developed bad behaviors and became too much of a handful and was turned over to rescue.

So adopting a rescue dog is often much, much harder than training a new puppy because there is no blank slate--you have to work very, very hard to break the bad habits (and often there are many). It''s hard. It''s time-consuming, it''s exhausting!!

I would often see couples where one person wanted the dog more than other and having a dog that required a lot of training put tension in the relatoinship because one would dislike having the dog while the other felt completely overwhelmed and resentful that he/she had to do all of the work. To adopt a rescue with any kind of behavioral problem required both of them to be 110% willing to do whatever it takes.

It''s definitely harder to bond with a pet when you immediately feel overwhelmed, underqualified, desperate, exhausted and constantly wondering if you made the wrong decision.

So this is the thing: your husband said that he wants to keep the dog because adopting is forever, but he''s not really being consistent with the training. I would create a routine for both of you, especially with a nightly walk. I would make sure that you both walk him for at least 30 minutes a night, together, so that you all can bond.

I would also sign up for a class together: I don''t know how much obedience training he''s had, but there are always classes you can take with him. Make sure you both go and work with him every day on the training you learn in class.

I''m a big fan of doing whatever your dog loves--most dogs love the dog park and we go at least 2x per week. There is a beach at our dog park where all the dogs can swim, which our dog loves, so if your dog loves swimming, try to incorporate that. Strangely enough, though our dog is a water rescue dog, the one thing he loves more than swimming is hiking. We hike with him all the time and he loves it--you know when your dog is happy, the ears are perked up, the tail is up, he''s prancing around...you probably know what he loves the most.

I think every trainer wold tell you that the basis of any bad behavior is boredom...so regular mental stimulation and exercise is so important. If you don''t feel that you can provide enough of that on a daily basis, then check out some local doggy daycares--even if he only goes once or twice a week.

Good luck!!

 

[iheartscience]

When I got my last rescue cat it took quite a while for us to bond, actually. She was originally rescued from the streets and had been through a LOT, and she wasn''t super cuddly at first, which didn''t help us bonding. Plus I think she was busy bonding with my other two cats and was trying to be accepted by them, so I don''t think I was at the top of her list.

It took several months for me to feel as bonded with her as I was with my other two cats. Maybe even six months or so. I would really try to give it more time with your new guy and try to work with him also. I know you have other priorities, but like your husband said, you''re keeping him forever, so you may as well try again to bond with him. I think animals can sense how we''re feeling, so if he can sense your indifference/dislike for him, it will probably be even harder for him to bond with you.

Plus, like you said, part of why you don''t like him is his behavior, which is partly your fault because you haven''t worked with him. So I don''t think it''s fair to write him off.

I hope you can grow to love him-some pets, like people, take a little longer to get close to, but I hope you''ll get close to your new dog!

 

[SarFarSuperstar]

I like NEL''s suggestion of trying to do productive things that he likes- walks, hikes, swimming, running around like a crazy man! I know my dog is always better behaved when he has his regular routine going on and a good amount of exercise. How old is he? Have you thought about going to dog training classes? Sometimes it''s helpful to have a third party give some constructive criticism about what might work.

I hope you have some success with training and bonding.

 

[partgypsy]

I signed up him up for dog classes (and after much nagging) hb did go to 2 of the 3 classes. "Chuck" did ok for what they taught (sit (stay) but didn''t touch the issues that are more important to me of him running away and not learning the "come" command, and general issues of noncompliance.
As far as evening walks, my husband works 2x a week in the evening and often has activities that take up the evening. I'' ve tried to walk the dog with the kids, but you need 1 person to handle the dog.
I know this sounds silly but part of bad feelings is feeling "hurt" that put an honest effort into the dog, but don''t get a sense of reciprocity that the dog feels any sense of loyalty or deep affection for us.
That and rather than enjoying being at home with my kids having to run interference between the dog and the children.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I think an older, abandoned dog may take longer to bond. However, if the reality is that most of the family does not really want to keep this dog, I think you should return him to the shelter. There''s nothing wrong with trying it and seeing if an animal is a good fit with the family. But if not, I don''t see how it is going to be positive for the dog to stay there. I will add that if a dog is left alone outside a lot, I really think it is better to have two dogs so they can keep each other company. Dogs are pack animals and they need someone to be with.

 

[tiffanytwisted]

Date: 6/15/2008 6:30:37 PM
Author: part gypsy
I signed up him up for dog classes (and after much nagging) hb did go to 2 of the 3 classes. ''Chuck'' did ok for what they taught (sit (stay) but didn''t touch the issues that are more important to me of him running away and not learning the ''come'' command, and general issues of noncompliance.
As far as evening walks, my husband works 2x a week in the evening and often has activities that take up the evening. I'' ve tried to walk the dog with the kids, but you need 1 person to handle the dog.
I know this sounds silly but part of bad feelings is feeling ''hurt'' that put an honest effort into the dog, but don''t get a sense of reciprocity that the dog feels any sense of loyalty or deep affection for us.
That and rather than enjoying being at home with my kids having to run interference between the dog and the children.

The dog obedience classes that I''ve gone to start with the sit/stay commands and then build from there. The next level would be leash walking and coming when called. I think since he mastered the sit/stay then the next level of classes would be the next step. I also found that obedience training gave me a lot of one on one time with our dog, which equalled bonding for us.
I have to say, it doesn''t sound like you want or like the dog. A dog that has been abandoned needs a lot of time for emotional healing, and owners that have that time to give. This dog sounds like he really needs to be worked with and given a lot of attention in order to recover from whatever life he previously led. I really don''t think all of this can be accomplished in 2 months. I know you say you put an honest effort into the dog, but it does sound at this point like you''ve already given up.
I don''t think you sound selfish, I just don''t think you have the time or energy to give this dog what he deserves. I think it takes a lot to admit that.
Keeping him because your husband thinks you should is unfair to the dog. Did you get him from a shelter? Maybe they could take him back and find a new home. (hopefully he came from a no kill shelter) It really doesn''t sound like it''s going to work out in your home and I think keeping him at this point is not the right thing to do.

 

[partgypsy]

Alot of food for thought. Today I am feeling especially discouraged because I took him for a walk and it was not a good walk. I forgot to bring food treats with me and he basically didn''t mind at all, and ended up giving me rope burn around my ankle (he was on a long tether to practice come).

The dog is not from the shelter. He was abandoned and someone picked him up and fostered him. They found a home for him, but he ended up going through 3 different homes and coming back to the foster parent. The foster parents are against him going to a shelter (our shelter is a kill shelter) but cannot take care of the dog. Also we told the foster parents when we interviewed with them that we are forever dog type people (all of our prior pets have been strays as well) we would be hypocritical if we went back on our word now.

My general philosophy is he needs a home and he is our responsibility. It''s just more work than we predicted

. I need to find some acceptance about this, that he may never be the kind of dog I would like him to be, but he is still our responsbility to provide him with the best home within our means.

 

[partgypsy]

New England Lady thanks for all your comments. I do want to bring this up with my husband at a more neutral time, that if we make a commitment to keep this dog, we have to make an equal commitment to train the dog. We are both falling down in that regard.

 

[diamondfan]

Part Gypsy, do not feel shame. You cannot bond with all animals, and you are trying, but do not be so tough on yourself.

NEL, not to jack but my cousin on the West Coast in Northern Cal is very involved in Newfie rescue too!

 

[galeteia]

I love dogs, and have very strong opinions about how much work and attention a dog deserves from it''s people.

If your home cannot give this dog what it needs, you are doing both yourselves and the dog a disservice. Perhaps the dog would be better off in a home that has the resources to devote to its healing and rehabilitation. If your husband is adamant that the dog stays, he''d better be putting in the time to back up his demand and make sacrifices in order to see it through. It is unfair of him to make the decision and then leave the lion''s share of the work to you.

You have children and a career, rehabilitating a dog like this is a huge investment of time and attention you simply don''t have enough hours in a day to provide. If your husband can''t step up, then he can''t insist you keep this dog.

 

[pichuchy21]

Part Gypsy- I read your posts and I''m sorry your are not feeling a bond with your new pet, but if it makes you feel any better about him running away my dog who I rescued in 2003 is an escape artist. Every chance he gets he will try to leave and there is no getting him back unless I jump in the car chase him and open the car door so he can jump in. At first it made me mad I kept thinking what an ungrateful dog I give him the world and every second he gets he tries to run away. Now I have learned to live with it. I make sure no one leaves the house door wide open etc. As to why he likes to run out I think since he lived on the streets for a good year and a half before I took him in he is still not use to being locked in. Or atleast thats the explanation I like to give. I hope everything works out for you and your pup.

 

[FrekeChild]

I''m sorry it''s not going well. I have only had puppies so I don''t know about not being able to bond with older dogs. However, I have 2 hamsters who by breed are not really handling friendly, which is something I knew when I got them. Well I was used to having a different friendlier breed, so even though I knew they weren''t typically friendly, I figured it wouldn''t take me long before I could get them to be people friendly.

It was two months of everyday treats and attempted handling before I broke down crying because they still ran away from me-and if I caught them, they''d bite me.

Six months from when I first got them and I can finally pick them out without them running away, and they only bite when my fingers smell like food. What did it take? Multiple times a day of attempting to handle them, tons of treats and lots of talking to them.

I know that rodents aren''t the same as dogs, but I also know that patience and persistence almost always pays off. I know that its really easy to lose patience when you aren''t getting anything in return.

But lets put this into perspective-think of him as a kid. Imagine this kid has been through about 4 different foster homes, was abandoned on the street, and has been through what he has. Now imagine the work it would take to get that kid to cooperate and finally bond to you. Luckily dogs are usually more forgiving, but I can only imagine what he''s thinking-in his little doggy mind, he''s thinking that this will only last a little while before he''s on to the next house. I wouldn''t bond with you guys if I were him either!

My recommendation: give him some more time. I think you need to gain a little of his trust, and let him know that he''s not going anywhere-and neither are you. I really hope you guys can work it out.

 

[partgypsy]

Diamondseeker, Tiffanytwisted, Galateia, yes, that is what I am struggling with and I have the same thoughts, doubts. If there was a suitable home for this dog even my husband would consider it, but I doubt there is, except for maybe another dog trainer who is probably already overburdened with dogs. My question is not whether he would be better off in another home than wouldn''t it be better that he have some kind of home even if not perfect, than no home at all? An ideal home for him would be one with other dogs (he loves dogs) where he would get alot of exercise, with no kids or older kids.

Pichuchu, yes this dog is an escape artist as well; we had a very sturdy 6 + fence installed, but he ended up getting out 3 or 4 times anyways, one time by jumping up and balancing on outside edge of the front porch (which is 4 feet or so higher than group and launching himself over the gate, another time tearing the plastic netting where there is a break in the fence from a tree, and another time digging a hole under the fence. These have been fixed but I''m sure it will be ongoing. The last adopted people said he escaped from their backyard and the foster parents said that was impossible, but now I''m not so sure.

 

[gailrmv]

Part Gypsy, one of mine is an escape artist too. It really is annoying, but I don''t think it''s meant personally towards you - just an instinct some dogs have.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things and you have a great attitude. I''m really sorry that things are not going better. I admire your commitment to make things work. Do you think a session or two with a behaviorist is an option? I''ve heard that they can work wonders. They help with the very issues you are talking about, in your home with your family. It would be different from obedience training.

I wish you and Chuck the best - I hope things can get worked out.

 

[Lorelei]

PG, it is still very early days yet, in my experience, training and properly bonding with an animal can sometimes take quite a bit longer than 2 months, so if you can, give it some more time. I know it is hard to find the time, but if you could try to keep up the training with him, you will probably find he will want to please you and get it right, then the bonding will come much easier. I know how hard it is, I had a rough patch with my horse after having her for 6 months, but I persevered and now we have a great relationship and understanding of each other - so there is hope!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/16/2008 1:55:28 PM
Author: Lorelei
PG, it is still very early days yet, in my experience, training and properly bonding with an animal can sometimes take quite a bit longer than 2 months, so if you can, give it some more time. I know it is hard to find the time, but if you could try to keep up the training with him, you will probably find he will want to please you and get it right, then the bonding will come much easier. I know how hard it is, I had a rough patch with my horse after having her for 6 months, but I persevered and now we have a great relationship and understanding of each other - so there is hope!

I agree totally...it takes awhile with rescues sometimes and IMO it''s worth it. You admitted that you guys aren''t into it. You either need to get into it ASAP or you need to find the dog a new home IMO. If you continue to do things halfway you''ll just continue to get frustrated...I don''t mean to be harsh, but you either need to try harder or realize that you can''t/don''t want to try anymore and you need to try and find him a home where they have the time to work with him. It''s a hard thing to do, but sometimes it''s best for the animal if you can''t give them what they need.

Whatever you decide, good luck!!!

 

[partgypsy]

Thank you all. I think I will have my husband read this thread.

 

[Gypsy]

PG. Yes, we have had that experience and we are ''forever pet'' owners too. It''s very hard.

We were looking for a companion dog for Jett our 8 year old Shepherd and we found Sheila on Petfinder. We went to the shelter and she was not doing well there. Very depressed. We brought her home as a foster with the understanding that we''d try things out for a little while and see, if it didn''t work out we agreed to foster her until she was adopted as she was not at all doing well at the shelter.

Well, we woke up one morning a few days after we brought Sheila home Jett was sick, and later that day we had to put him down. Unbeknownst to us he''d had a very malignant form of cancer. We came home and there she was, someone to fill the huge dog shaped whole Jett''s loss had left us with. So we adopted her.

She''s a great dog. She has some behavioral issues but she really is a great dog. But, well... neither John or I ever bonded with her. Jett had issues too (a couple of big ones), so it wasn''t the issues. It just wasn''t the right match. Part of it was that we adopted her too soon after Jett''s death, and well... we rushed into it. We kept being surprised when she wasn''t Jett, or didn''t act the way he did. And we couldn''t see giving her back. Problem was, she DID bond with us. With all of us. With John and me, and his nieces and his whole family. She was desperately in love with family-- especially kids. Oh she would light up like you wouldn''t believe when the kids would come over. We had her for 2 years. Trained her (to the extent she could be, she was 4 when we got her) and spent lots of time with her... taking her to the park and walking with her... but there was this lack in US. I can''t explain it, we just never bonded with her the way we did with our cats, and Jett or any of our previous pets individually.

Then I got a job in CA, all the way on the other coast. And when moved cross country we couldn''t bring all our animals out here at once. So we brought the three cats and left Sheila with FMIL because she has a large yard and the grandkids visited, and she has a cat and Sheila loves cats and kids. We thought we''d bring Sheila out here after a year, so we''d have time to find a condo or rental that would allow us to have our zoo. Well, John''s grandfather died, and then FMIL was in the house by herself (well with the cat, but she was still worried), and wanted to keep Sheila. And honestly, there was an overwelming sense of relief and HUGE guilt over it. But it was the right choice to leave her there. FMIL loves her, and gives her a good home. And she gives FMIL the safety and love she needs too.

If something, God Forbid, happens to FMIL though, Sheila will always have a home with us-- and we do pay all her bills even now. We love her... she was just never... OURS. I don''t know if that makes sense.

I do agree that its early days with your dog. And you may be surprised. But I also know that personally, as its happened to us you can try and try, and so can the poor animal, but for some reason... things don''t work out. So I have no advice. But I could hear the frustration and guilt in your posts, and I could tell that you WANT to love him and I just wanted to let you know that you aren''t alone.

 

[monarch64]

PG, I wanted to add a story to your thread because I do understand what you''re going through.

When I was in college I moved into an apt. by myself my junior year. I had never lived "by myself" before, and it seemed as though every noise I heard at night was an intruder. I have always loved animals, so I decided I needed a little companion kitty to sort of blame noises on and keep me company. I adopted an orange tabby from a friend''s mother who had a litter. We did not bond from the start. I brought her home in my car and she hid under the passenger seat the whole time, and later that night after I had gotten her settled in her new bed and we''d gone over litterbox procedures, I sat down at my word processor to finish a 10 page paper. All was going well until she decided she needed attention and came over and stepped on the power switch to the surge strip that my word processor was plugged into, and my whole entire 9 pages was lost. This was at midnight, and the paper was due the next day. I swear I could''ve thrown her out the window right then, I was so upset. I didn''t, but I stayed up for three more hours re-writing what had been lost from my notes. I didn''t name her for a couple weeks, there seemed to be no cute cuddly name that came to mind for me to name her because frankly, we just didn''t get along. She would actually climb up my pants leg when I was preparing food for myself in the kitchen even though she had already been fed first. Ouch! She thought anything I had should be shared with her, I couldn''t leave a glass of water or wine or coke alone if I left the room or I would catch her dipping her dirty little paws into it trying to get a drink of whatever I had.

When I would go on weekend trips I would have friends come over and feed her and stay so she wouldn''t feel alone. Still, every time I left my overnight bag out to pack, she would wait until I left the room and go pee in it, which resulted in me buying several new bags and clothing.

After DH and I got married, she used to wait until we were dead asleep in the middle of the night and come and attack our feet, seemingly just for the heck of it.

When we moved into our house from our apt., I think she decided enough was enough and proceeded to pee all over the carpeting in our new house. She would do it while we were in the same room, she wasn''t even sneaky about it. We tried everything to make her comfortable in the new house, I even took her to the vet to make sure she wasn''t ill. She wasn''t, she just wasn''t able to adapt to the changes made in her life. I loved her even though we never really bonded, but she just wasn''t happy with me, or with me and DH.

A gal I worked with at that time had just lost her 23 yr. old kitty, and she ended up adopting my cat. I guess it was love at first sight, because I heard nothing but good reports from the gal and they got along famously.

 

[partgypsy]

Thank you for all your stories. It makes me feel not so weird. This has never happened to me before, as far as not liking an animal.
What someone said about losing their dog and not feeling attached to the new dog, is very perceptive, as we got him soon after losing our pet dog, and there is this shock of the differences because maybe not enough time to mourn and maybe even forget a little the other dog. So subconsciously I may be blaming him for stuff he has no control over.

A funny thing happened last night. My daughter was watching funny animal videos on youtube, and so we were saying "dog" and "cat" alot, and Chuck came up probably to see what we were talking about. Later as I was sitting in my daughter''s bedroom Chuck walked up to me and laid down next to me. I petted and stroked him, and he even licked my hand. It was very surprising as he rarely comes up to us for affection. After that happened it made me think I must have some feelings for him, because it made me feel sad thinking of the option of finding another home for him.

 

[FrekeChild]

Your post made me smile.

 

[gailrmv]

Part Gypsy, that is really encouraging that he came up to you for affection!

I have been thinking about you and Chuck a lot these past few days. I was thinking about early days with our older dog (the one who would run off if we let her off leash.) In the beginning she did not really want any affection. She would be in the room with us, but that was it. She didn''t want to play or be petted. She had lived on the streets before and had a rough life. You''d never know it now though. That girl sleeps in bed with us, comes up for petting, snuggles up, licks you for no reason.... she is very social and she is enjoying the good life. I can''t remember how long it took or how gradual it was, because we''ve had her 4 years now.

I don''t want to tell you what to do because I have no idea, but maybe things will continue to improve in the coming months.

PS Check the NC GTG thread in Hangout if you are interested!

 

[Lorelei]

PG, I do know how you feel. With my horse, we got her as a rescue shortly after losing our beloved horse we had for 20 years. We didn't want his stable to stand empty when a homeless horse could make good use of it, so we got our new mare. She was very nervous for the first 6 months, and tough to control, but after that time, she really started testing me out. She would try to bite me whenever I got near her, she would buck and jump around when I led her, and she would try to intimidate me when I was in her stable. It was a rough period and it could be frightening as she is a large horse. I was getting really anxious about how to deal with her, when I found a technique that worked, natural horsemanship. It is very basically how to show the horse you are the leader and they are the follower. With a few simple techniques and a couple of months, I was able to turn things around, and now I have a happy horse, and I am happy too! With dogs as you know, it is a similar thing. They need to know their place in the pack for their happiness and security. Also it can be so hard when you get another animal shortly after losing one you have loved, so that can influence your feelings.

But please know some of us have been there and can understand! It sounds as if Chuck could be a great dog and like I say, it is early days. Rescues can take more time to ' rehabilitate' in some cases, so I think with a bit more time, you will see some progress.

 

[VRBeauty]

Part Gypsy: I''m a card-carrying cat lover, but there was one cat I had as a teenager that I never bonded with. He was a full Siamese, a gift from a woman I babysat for (I got to pick a cat from a litter her cat had) and the magic just never happened. My parents, who are both dog people, will not keep a dog if they can''t keep it under voice command no matter how much they love it. My mother simply will not take a chance on a dog that might dart into traffic and cause an accident. She used to be a nurse, which has a lot to do with that. BTW, you didn''t mention what breed of dog you have. Some are notorious runners... when I was a kid there was a beagle that used to show up at our house every few months... it turned out that his real owners lived 5-10 miles away.

 

[Lorelei]

Bump for PG, how are things going?

 

[partgypsy]

It''s weird, nothing has dramatically changed, but Chuck and I are getting along much better. I spoke with my husband that no matter what we need to give Chuck a walk at least once a day (I know, no brainer) so he has stepped up and we been either doing family walks in the evening or my husband gives him a walk, which makes a big difference. He also is often (not necessarily every day) walking up to me and laying down for petting and gentle attention.

My daughter sometimes pets him too when I am giving him extra attention. A couple days ago while we were petting him she said, "remember how me and Isabel (her cousin) used to dress up Betty? (They would put baby blankets on her back and hankerchiefs on her head, even costume jewelry around her neck). I said yep. I don''t think Chuck would let you do it. And she just nodded her head but kept petting him.

 

[partgypsy]

Oh another thing happened where Chuck got out on our front porch, where the other time he had gotten there he leaped over the rails and ran off. This time he got on there I kept saying stay stay and he stood there and let me put him back in the house.

 

[iheartscience]

This is great news to hear, part gypsy! I hope you will continue to feel closer to him, slowly but surely. It sounds like you''ve made an effort and it''s paying off!