engagement ring - changing the rules of the game

[dianabarbara]

What a wonderful forum!

I have been reading over your posts for the last couple of months now - since my boyfriend proposed - and loved every bit of it.
From the bottom of my heart: thank you so much for sharing your knowledge!!

I joined today because I am facing a little dilemma that I think many others share or have faced in the past, and would like to hear your opinion on it.

Both me and my boyfriend are graduate students, with a decent and stable income, a rent to pay, and a normal life. His proposal took me somewhat by surprise , of course, a wonderful surprise. One early morning I bent over him to give him a kiss and have accidentally caught him searching for engagement rings. While we were both in our pijamas, he proposed on the spot, in a very passionate and romantic way. I was so happy I burst in tears of joy. And told that yes, I want to marry him, and that I would like him to ask my dad. Once this is done, our 'proto-engagement' will be a 'real' engagement. We laughed a lot over it. Obviously, that doesn't make it any less serious.

Since then, he proposed a few other times. Including two nights ago, when he kneed down on a deserted little port in the city where we live. It was so so romatic, that we decided to skimp the 'proto' and say we are now 'pro'- engaged. hehe.. we are making out a great story for our grankids, one day

Now, getting to the core of the issue: we have been looking at engagement rings together for a little while. He likes very simple, traditional bands, understated and sweet, in plain gold, or gold and smaller stones. I like blingy and sparkly. Evidently, a taste I acquired from my paternal grandma. She passed away a few years ago leaving a small collection of wonders. And I can't help asking myself - what if I would just make one of those rings our engagement ring?

I understand that a man takes pride from gifting a ring to his promised wife, and that family heirloom rings are usually coming from the man's side of the family. However, there are no heirlooms in his family and his funds are limited. I also think it does not make too much sense to spend half of his savings on the symbol of our love, if it means setting up for a weaker financial position in our life together.

Like many others, I value the financial stability of a marriage much more than a sparkly adornment. However, I still like the idea of wearing a magnificent symbol of our great relationship.

What would be the consequences of changing the rules in the ring game, and having one from my family?
Given the symbolic nature of this gesture, I think that they might be much more far reaching than one what could rationally expect.

Thoughts, experiences, or ideas on this one?

Thank you for reading and sharing,

Diana

 

[lknvrb4]

There have been several people on here who used diamonds from their family to make erings, nothing wrong with that.

 

[dianabarbara]

Hi lknvrb4, thank you for your post!

It's already a relief to hear others have done that.
I would really like to hear some more about how they went about this and how they feel about this decision in the medium and long term.

 

[LibbyLA]

Diana,

I think using a ring that's already in your family is sensible, practical, and pragmatic.

liz

 

[madelise]

What consequences? You're highly educated. Logically, society's expectations are sort of ridiculous. You've already gone the unconventional way of him proposing w/o a ring... Why worry about any other "traditional" details? Many people use family heirlooms. Who cares which side of the family it came from?

If you want to make it special from him, maybe you can use the centerstone from grandma's ring, and have him make a new setting for it?

 

[dianabarbara]

Hi Liz, hi Madelise! thank you for jumping in

your arguments make a lot of sense to me. I guess I will soon see if they make sense to him too. All that worries me is the possibility to leave him somewhat 'dissatisfied'.

I have never thought about re-setting, really. While I might do it with no issue on a ring I bought myself, I don't want to touch too much rings that go back in generations. I like the idea of passing them over as a memory of the taste of the person and the time they belonged to

Do you think that maybe having the fiancé picking a nice eternity band as a wedding ring might make the situation more balanced? Or what else would you recommend?

 

[onthinice]

Congrats on your engagement !

I like the idea of using the engagement ring from your family.It really doesn't matter from whose side the ring comes. If you're not open to a reset with your DF helping with the design, another idea might be to use the ering as is and design a wedding band together. This would allow the two of you to work on this project together and save money as well. That sounds like a win - win to me !

 

[dianabarbara]

Hi onthinice! Thank youuu!!
It's still very secret and really few friends know about it yet, so I'm still fresh to receiving congratulations

I think designing a band together is a great idea, and a lot of fun.
Is there any specific thread or website that I might look at for some preliminary ideas?

 

[distracts]

I know quite a few people who've used heirloom rings that came from the woman's side of the family. There are no consequences except those the partners themselves make up. Most, if not all, family members, friends, and strangers will think it's lovely that you used a family ring. My fiance and I were offered my maternal grandmother's wedding set to use, but by the time my mother remembered to tell me about it, we already had rings of our own (now, we are re-working my grandmother's set into a ring that will be my mom's 30th anniversary present from my dad!). My mother's rings were a gift from my paternal grandmother - my dad had no money to buy them. His wedding ring is a ring my grandmother made for him when he was in high school, that he used to wear on his right hand and moved to his left when they married, and my mother has my great-grandmother's wedding ring as well as another ring my grandmother made. I have several friends whose parents have bought the engagement and wedding rings because they got married young and had no money. I have several friends where the woman has bought the ring because she earned more than the man. I know one person who literally got engaged with, and still wears to this day, a bead strung on craft wire. A whole lot of non-traditional things are happening with respect to engagement rings every day, and using an heirloom ring is a lot more traditional than most of them.

If you have more than one family ring that might be suitable as an engagement ring, perhaps you could let him pick from them? Be sure, whichever you pick, to have it taken to a jeweler and have the prongs checked and so on to make sure it will stand up to engagement-ring-type wear.

 

[tyty333]

Honestly, there aren't any "rules to the game" anymore. Every couple is different and should do whats right for them.
I would have been thrilled to have an heirloom stone to use (from either side of the family). Find a setting that you
like and make it your ring. I would think most guys would feel lucky to be in this situation but like I said...everyone is
different (and thats a good thing!)

 

[lambskin]

It's your ER-you-not his. You (not him) will wear it everyday. Thank him for his input then design the one you want incorporating the center stone from him and use your family gems to bling it out. Tell him that the combo makes it even more special, will bring good luck, tradition etc.

 

[HollyS]

If you and your future husband want to use a family diamond/ring for your engagement, it can be a lovely symbol of continuity and love of family. And, of course, it is nicely cost effective.

DH and I have friends who used her family's rings as their own; it was a wonderful, powerful and emotional moment in their wedding when those rings were blessed.

However, please use the family bling for the reasons above . . . NOT because you need the sparkle and can't be happy with less.

I've said it here on PS many times. If you could not be happy - - and perfectly content - - marrying with a plain, no-bling-whatsoever ring, don't marry.

Yes, I know this is a diamond forum. Diamonds are wonderful. Love of diamonds is fun. But diamonds aren't a deal breaker when it comes to marriage.

Congratulations upon your engagement; blessings to you both.

 

[Laila619]

Hi Liz, hi Madelise! thank you for jumping in

your arguments make a lot of sense to me. I guess I will soon see if they make sense to him too. All that worries me is the possibility to leave him somewhat 'dissatisfied'.

I have never thought about re-setting, really. While I might do it with no issue on a ring I bought myself, I don't want to touch too much rings that go back in generations. I like the idea of passing them over as a memory of the taste of the person and the time they belonged to

Do you think that maybe having the fiancé picking a nice eternity band as a wedding ring might make the situation more balanced? Or what else would you recommend?

Yes, that's a great idea. He still gets to pick something to surprise you with, but you get to use a treasured heirloom for your e-ring, and save a lot of money in the process. Win win! I doubt your fiance would mind or be hurt if you used Grandma's ring.

 

[Circe]

I think it sounds like a beautiful idea. And I hope I won't be presuming or putting words in your mouth if I run with what you said below ....

What a wonderful forum!

What would be the consequences of changing the rules in the ring game, and having one from my family?
Given the symbolic nature of this gesture, I think that they might be much more far reaching than one what could rationally expect.

Thoughts, experiences, or ideas on this one?

Thank you for reading and sharing,

Diana

The symbolism of the e-ring coming from the man and representing several months worth of salary are frequently taken to show his ability to provide or his commitment, or as a sign of how much he (literally) values his bride-to-be. And, conversely, these days a lot of people are bridling at the implication that women can't provide for themselves, or that they can be bought.

Me, I think that symbolism is what you make of it - both of the above are kind of squicky to me. Men aren't bartering for affection with rocks like penguins, and women aren't selling themselves (short) if they like shiny things. A man who moves away from the traditional paradigm isn't being emasculated, but strong enough to remake a tradition in a better image: a woman who moves away from the traditional paradigm isn't being aggressive or unfeminine, but smart enough to tailor it to fit her needs.

Tl:dr. Long story short, I think both the symbolism and the practicality of using an heirloom, regardless of which side of the family it comes from, is absolutely beautiful ... and if you want to make the tradition more your own, definitely use some of the money being saved as either a way for him to get you the wedding ring of your dreams ... or maybe to get him a ring or watch or other engagement present to wear to mark the occasion, too? After all, if you're shifting the boundaries of tradition in reaction to your circumstances, might as well take it a step farther and make a statement, right?

 

[cabbitstar]

You could choose one of the diamonds and your fiance could get you a lovely setting for it, like a Leon Mege or similar!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

You have provided your side of the narrative--hence we "think" we know where you are coming from.

However I wasn't exactly sure what your fiancee intends to buy...did he show you the actual ring? And if so, what unfolded from the conversation that followed?

I ask because in circumstances such as these communication is key....

cheers--Sharon

 

[Dougsgirl]

Congratulations on your engagement!!

We got married very young and had no money. We were given rings from both sides of our family (neither one was particularly attractive) so we took out the diamonds and designed our own ring using the diamonds from both rings.

Fast forward 18.5 years...
We finally bought "a stone of our own" and I am having my dream ring made. The 1/4 ct stone from my mom will not fit in this new ring but we are using the stones from my husband's grandma for the new wedding band. But, since I want to keep something meaningful from BOTH sides of the family, I am having tiny daisies put on the sides of the basket, under the halo. (My mom had daisies embroidered on her wedding dress and it is her favorite flower.) I am also hoping to use the gold from my mom's ring if I make a "spacer" ring to wear between the e-ring and wedding band.

All of that to say... Using a family ring can be a wonderful, meaningful and creative process!! And I LOVE the idea of having your BF create a wedding band to go with the heirloom ring. That is the best of both worlds!!
And there is no reason you might not want to change things up someday... say, in about 18 years... LOL.

 

[rubybeth]

A blogger/author I read sometimes, Stephanie Klein, got a huge rock from her grandmother and had it set into a Leon setting (I think) for her e-ring. I think her fiance went to her parents for their blessing, and that's when they gave him the diamond. Engagement isn't really a 'game,' it's a serious (albeit fun!) time to examine your relationship and make sure you are ready for the commitment of marriage.

Honestly, I don't see what the problem would be with using an heirloom ring or stone. The only issue is what your future husband thinks. Does he hate this idea? If so, why? Communication and compromise are going to be something you'll work on your whole lives, so it might as well start with the ring.

 

[TC1987]

You can always get engaged with whatever is handy, lol: Cigar band, bread twist-tie, a ring from the cheap fakes tray at WalMart, etc. Since you're both students, he might just go for the idea of you using one of your family rings, for now, and then he buys you the e-ring of his dreams later after graduation and a job. Or, you could pitch the idea that he keeps that money to use toward down payment on a home, instead of an e-ring. Or, he could buy the center diamond and you buy the mounting of your choice. That way he can get the biggest stone he can afford, and you can get the bling to mount it in. It all depends on what his priorities are. Most men that I know, if given the choice between buy a ring or keep the cash, will keep the cash.

I can see where you're coming from, because I already have a small stash of diamond rings ('cause I'm older and single and have a career, and I bought stones that I got super deals on) and I can totally see myself telling a guy "Just buy a mounting, and we'll use a diamond that I already own, and I will stand there and smile and let you take all the credit for it." I was married once, and am now divorced. My ex about flipped when when we discussed the ring and I steered him to a local pawn shop and estate jewelry store to find a "used" diamond that would not break the bank. He bought a "used" diamond, and I bought the mounting. That worked out well for everyone. (It was my MIL that ultimately caused the divorce. )

 

[dianabarbara]

My mother's rings were a gift from my paternal grandmother - my dad had no money to buy them. His wedding ring is a ring my grandmother made for him when he was in high school, that he used to wear on his right hand and moved to his left when they married, and my mother has my great-grandmother's wedding ring as well as another ring my grandmother made.

If you have more than one family ring that might be suitable as an engagement ring, perhaps you could let him pick from them? Be sure, whichever you pick, to have it taken to a jeweler and have the prongs checked and so on to make sure it will stand up to engagement-ring-type wear.

Hi distracts, what a sweet story about your grandma and grandpa! It certainly sounds like they must be an amazing couple.

I totally get both these suggestions. Letting him pick the one he feels is ours sounds great, and I will certainly consider that should we go this way - as I will write in the coming posts I am also considering resetting, now that I have discussed it with my parents. Also, checking the prongs sounds very sensible - I think no-one has ever done it since the day the came out of the jewelry shop many decades ago

 

[dianabarbara]

Honestly, there aren't any "rules to the game" anymore. Every couple is different and should do whats right for them.
I would have been thrilled to have an heirloom stone to use (from either side of the family). Find a setting that you
like and make it your ring. I would think most guys would feel lucky to be in this situation but like I said...everyone is
different (and thats a good thing!)

tyty, while at the beginning I was hesitant about re-setting the stones, in order to pass on to the next generation the ring as I received it from my grandma, I realized reading other posts that I could just preserve the setting and the stone separately and in good shape, so that nothing gets lost.

 

[dianabarbara]

It's your ER-you-not his. You (not him) will wear it everyday. Thank him for his input then design the one you want incorporating the center stone from him and use your family gems to bling it out. Tell him that the combo makes it even more special, will bring good luck, tradition etc.

hi lambskin! that's also a nice idea, but I am not sure of how I could make it work out, since in this case, the strongest candidates are a solitaire and a large oval sapphire with trilliants. Thank you anyways for your suggestion! I am sure that it might be helpful in the future or to other psers

 

[dianabarbara]

If you and your future husband want to use a family diamond/ring for your engagement, it can be a lovely symbol of continuity and love of family. And, of course, it is nicely cost effective.

DH and I have friends who used her family's rings as their own; it was a wonderful, powerful and emotional moment in their wedding when those rings were blessed.

However, please use the family bling for the reasons above . . . NOT because you need the sparkle and can't be happy with less.

I've said it here on PS many times. If you could not be happy - - and perfectly content - - marrying with a plain, no-bling-whatsoever ring, don't marry.

Yes, I know this is a diamond forum. Diamonds are wonderful. Love of diamonds is fun. But diamonds aren't a deal breaker when it comes to marriage.

Congratulations upon your engagement; blessings to you both.

Hi Holly! I am sorry I have created a misunderstanding here. Thank you for letting me clarify this: I would of course marry him anyways, ring or not!!! I just did not want to expose the PS crowd to the risk of diabetes by rambling on and on on how we crazily love each other!

I might have doubts about many things, but not about the reasons why I want to marry him. And oh - it will be so great to use this ring to let him feel more connected to the history and love of our family!

 

[Fly Girl]

Congratulations, dianabarbara, on your engagement.

There are no rules to the game, except what you make them. My son's best friend proposed with a kitten. She loved it. She had asked for something soft and fuzzy. (My only advice here would be to NOT bring the cat to the wedding. This cat did not like being at the wedding and my son's girlfriend will bear the scars from the unhappy kitty on her arm for the rest of her life. )

Use whatever ring you want to wear. He can give you an engagement gift of whatever he can afford...a pendant, an anniversary ring in several years, whatever works for you two.

I suggest that you might select matching his and hers wedding rings in plain gold. You can add bling by stacking, and there is always the right hand.

Work this out together, don't worry about other people and their "rules" and remember that a marriage is not about diamonds or jewelry. It is about love and compromise. Good luck.

 

[dianabarbara]

The symbolism of the e-ring coming from the man and representing several months worth of salary are frequently taken to show his ability to provide or his commitment, or as a sign of how much he (literally) values his bride-to-be. And, conversely, these days a lot of people are bridling at the implication that women can't provide for themselves, or that they can be bought.

Me, I think that symbolism is what you make of it - both of the above are kind of squicky to me. Men aren't bartering for affection with rocks like penguins, and women aren't selling themselves (short) if they like shiny things. A man who moves away from the traditional paradigm isn't being emasculated, but strong enough to remake a tradition in a better image: a woman who moves away from the traditional paradigm isn't being aggressive or unfeminine, but smart enough to tailor it to fit her needs.

Tl:dr. Long story short, I think both the symbolism and the practicality of using an heirloom, regardless of which side of the family it comes from, is absolutely beautiful ... and if you want to make the tradition more your own, definitely use some of the money being saved as either a way for him to get you the wedding ring of your dreams ... or maybe to get him a ring or watch or other engagement present to wear to mark the occasion, too? After all, if you're shifting the boundaries of tradition in reaction to your circumstances, might as well take it a step farther and make a statement, right?

Circe, thank you. I have been reading some other posts of yours and totally connected with your ideas.
I know that many of my friends - at least in Italy - would react upon an unconventional position as the one we are taking here. Much of these reactions are sure informed more by social conventions and traditions than by open-minded thinking. But how to neglect that culture remains a strong driver of our feelings?

I have been reading your post with great attention. I could not have explained better my thoughts than how you put them.
the more I think about it, the more it makes a lot of sense to me, and this is exactly how I will explain him how I feel about this symbol of our relationship.

as far as shifting the boundaries by offering him his own 'ring-substitute': a new watch would be perfect! he always wears an old swatch that in the recent months has been accidentally dotted with green paint (from the renovation of his home office) and starting to squeak when he shakes hands

 

[dianabarbara]

HI:

You have provided your side of the narrative--hence we "think" we know where you are coming from.

However I wasn't exactly sure what your fiancee intends to buy...did he show you the actual ring? And if so, what unfolded from the conversation that followed?

I ask because in circumstances such as these communication is key....

cheers--Sharon

Hi canuk- gal thank you for your reaction.
he was really screening random rings, totally clueless of what I liked, and had nothing in mind yet. His reaction to me finding out about his intention in this way was almost relief.
After the yes, and all the tears and excitement that followed, we talked through what had just happened.
He explained me that he could not wait any longer to propose, and felt really lost in the choice of a special ring for me, but he still felt that he needed to pick one in order to make a 'proper' proposal.

All in all, I think everything developed in the best possible way we are a very happy couple, and always try to preserve this by being open with each other. I feel very blessed for that

 

[dianabarbara]

Congratulations on your engagement!!

We got married very young and had no money. We were given rings from both sides of our family (neither one was particularly attractive) so we took out the diamonds and designed our own ring using the diamonds from both rings.

Fast forward 18.5 years...
We finally bought "a stone of our own" and I am having my dream ring made. The 1/4 ct stone from my mom will not fit in this new ring but we are using the stones from my husband's grandma for the new wedding band. But, since I want to keep something meaningful from BOTH sides of the family, I am having tiny daisies put on the sides of the basket, under the halo. (My mom had daisies embroidered on her wedding dress and it is her favorite flower.) I am also hoping to use the gold from my mom's ring if I make a "spacer" ring to wear between the e-ring and wedding band.

All of that to say... Using a family ring can be a wonderful, meaningful and creative process!! And I LOVE the idea of having your BF create a wedding band to go with the heirloom ring. That is the best of both worlds!!
And there is no reason you might not want to change things up someday... say, in about 18 years... LOL.

Dougsgirl, thank you!!
I love your approach. I think that your new set will look amazing.. these tiny daisies sound so delicate!!

 

[dianabarbara]

A blogger/author I read sometimes, Stephanie Klein, got a huge rock from her grandmother and had it set into a Leon setting (I think) for her e-ring. I think her fiance went to her parents for their blessing, and that's when they gave him the diamond. Engagement isn't really a 'game,' it's a serious (albeit fun!) time to examine your relationship and make sure you are ready for the commitment of marriage.

Honestly, I don't see what the problem would be with using an heirloom ring or stone. The only issue is what your future husband thinks. Does he hate this idea? If so, why? Communication and compromise are going to be something you'll work on your whole lives, so it might as well start with the ring.

Hi rubybeth, I'll check out Stephanie's stories I am sure my parents would be very happy to let him have the ring - they are both very supportive of our relationship and seriously like him. He has however not yet asked my dad because of logistic difficulties. We live in the Netherlands, while my parents still live in my home country (Italy). We plan to spend Christmas all together with both families in our new house, and that's when he plans to ask my dad and 'officially' propose (this officially should be read as 'publicly').

Also very special, since my birthday falls exactly on the 26th of December

 

[dianabarbara]

Congratulations, dianabarbara, on your engagement.

There are no rules to the game, except what you make them. My son's best friend proposed with a kitten. She loved it. She had asked for something soft and fuzzy. (My only advice here would be to NOT bring the cat to the wedding. This cat did not like being at the wedding and my son's girlfriend will bear the scars from the unhappy kitty on her arm for the rest of her life. )

Use whatever ring you want to wear. He can give you an engagement gift of whatever he can afford...a pendant, an anniversary ring in several years, whatever works for you two.

I suggest that you might select matching his and hers wedding rings in plain gold. You can add bling by stacking, and there is always the right hand.

Work this out together, don't worry about other people and their "rules" and remember that a marriage is not about diamonds or jewelry. It is about love and compromise. Good luck.

Flygirl, thank you for your kind words and for the sweet kitten story (besides the scars!)
He also seems to like the idea of having matching wedding bands, so I believe that we will go for it!

 

[dianabarbara]

You can always get engaged with whatever is handy, lol: Cigar band, bread twist-tie, a ring from the cheap fakes tray at WalMart, etc. Since you're both students, he might just go for the idea of you using one of your family rings, for now, and then he buys you the e-ring of his dreams later after graduation and a job. Or, you could pitch the idea that he keeps that money to use toward down payment on a home, instead of an e-ring. Or, he could buy the center diamond and you buy the mounting of your choice. That way he can get the biggest stone he can afford, and you can get the bling to mount it in. It all depends on what his priorities are. Most men that I know, if given the choice between buy a ring or keep the cash, will keep the cash.

I can see where you're coming from, because I already have a small stash of diamond rings ('cause I'm older and single and have a career, and I bought stones that I got super deals on) and I can totally see myself telling a guy "Just buy a mounting, and we'll use a diamond that I already own, and I will stand there and smile and let you take all the credit for it." I was married once, and am now divorced. My ex about flipped when when we discussed the ring and I steered him to a local pawn shop and estate jewelry store to find a "used" diamond that would not break the bank. He bought a "used" diamond, and I bought the mounting. That worked out well for everyone. (It was my MIL that ultimately caused the divorce. )

haha - that's really refreshing!

I think many of us - secretly or not - hope to have a little collection of blingy stuff.
Eventually, some have the guts to provide this pleasure to themselves
How did you coordinate the purchase of the stone and of the mounting?