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Do you have a happy marriage?

blackprophet

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On a scale of 1-10 I'd rate it a 20.

But at 5 weeks exactly, It would be a problem if it was anything lower than 10. :lol:

purplesparklies said:
We were together much longer before we were married. 7+ years but only because we started dating when we were 15 & 16. Graduated high school and college before we married. I was the last to graduate and my graduation was Saturday, May 9th and we married Saturday, May 16th. :) Could not wait!!! We just celebrated 17 years and no matter how many years we are blessed to share, it will never be enough.

We celebrated on the same weekend. Congrats! :dance:
 

NewEnglandLady

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DH and I have been married for nearly 8 years, together for 16. I'd say that past year has been our toughest--two small kids, terminally-ill dogs, increased work stress, etc.--but we are still happy (I'd say 7/10) right now. Our general attitude is that we can always be working to be better partners and better parents. Our tactic is to actively work on our marriage in order to keep it from going off the tracks. We don't want to be in a situation where we are reacting to having a bad marriage, we'd rather proactively work on it to rut-proof it as much as possible.

Honestly, our tactic is simple--we eliminate the negative things as much as possible (use techniques from the book "Lovebusters" by Dr. Harley) and we meet each other's emotional needs, knowing that the other has different emotional needs. We continue to "date" each other in our married years and we really do have a relationship built on admiration and respect.

That being said, we have rough patches that are often a result of being exhausted, but we're committed to working through them. And I'm genuinely excited about our future.
 

minousbijoux

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iLander|1434633192|3890812 said:
32 years married. :dance:

Ridiculously happy. It's almost silly. We're each other's favorite person to be with, always have been. We both think that if we had met as little kids we would have played together all the time. Which is basically what we do now. :)

We went on our first date in February and were married by December of the same year.

On a 1-10 scale, I think a 10. We both feel like the lucky one, the one that got the better deal.

We both put the other's happiness ahead of our own. You should see what happens when we're down to the last meatball (or whatever delicious dinner thing), it will remain uneaten because we each want the other to have the treat.

Interestingly, no one wanted us to get married. They all said it would never last, etc. None of them has ever admitted that they were wrong, but obviously they were.

I would love to have this in my life! Good for you, iLander!
 

Laila619

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NewEnglandLady|1434651540|3890966 said:
DH and I have been married for nearly 8 years, together for 16. I'd say that past year has been our toughest--two small kids, terminally-ill dogs, increased work stress, etc.--but we are still happy (I'd say 7/10) right now. Our general attitude is that we can always be working to be better partners and better parents. Our tactic is to actively work on our marriage in order to keep it from going off the tracks. We don't want to be in a situation where we are reacting to having a bad marriage, we'd rather proactively work on it to rut-proof it as much as possible.

Honestly, our tactic is simple--we eliminate the negative things as much as possible (use techniques from the book "Lovebusters" by Dr. Harley) and we meet each other's emotional needs, knowing that the other has different emotional needs. We continue to "date" each other in our married years and we really do have a relationship built on admiration and respect.

That being said, we have rough patches that are often a result of being exhausted, but we're committed to working through them. And I'm genuinely excited about our future.

We like Lovebusters too.

We also have found For Women Only and For Men Only to be helpful, along with The Five Love Languages.
 

Sha

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Laila619|1434648610|3890944 said:
Those of you with super happy, blissful marriages: what do you think is the key to your success?

I'm curious too!
 

partgypsy

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I don't know if I could give it a number. Been together over 25 years, will have our 20th wedding anniversary next year. He is a good person, I love him, I appreciate him. I think he loves me too. Biggest issue is that it is important to me, that we invest time in our relationship as a couple (you know go on dates, spend time with each other) but he is not interested in it. Really since the kids came all that has ceased (going on dates, or any trips as a couple). I'm not going to cheat, not going to divorce, but other than getting therapy to gain acceptance of this, not sure what else to do. :blackeye: Not what I thought being married would be like.
 

lyra

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The happiness level goes up and down over the decades. I wanted to give a fair answer so I asked my DH. He said 7 out of 10. I think it would be higher on my end, but he takes life stress into consideration. I asked him if I could do anything to improve the level and he said no, it wasn't me, it's just our life right now. We have an absolute ton of stress on us right now. It has been constant over the last 5 years, and out of our hands really. So I guess this is a downward phase. I don't know if there will be relief, sometimes it doesn't feel like it, since we're well over the hill now. This year it will be our 32nd anniversary. Cheers to anyone else having difficulties. I hope it gets better for you. ;))
 

sonnyjane

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kenny|1434649286|3890952 said:
sonnyjane|1434635278|3890835 said:
kenny|1434593629|3890657 said:
We've been together 13 years.

On a scale of 1 through 10, 1 being the worst and 10 being the best I'd rate it a 5.
Good enough to keep going, I guess.

Oh Kenny :-/ I find that terribly sad if you're being serious.
I'm serious.
Sorry you find it sad.
I don't.
5's good enough, and at least I have someone.

I think many people have been trained to put on a happy face and do the rose-colored-glasses thing when describing family stuff.
I don't bother with lots of supposed-tos.
I'm comfortable with transparent and honest.

As you know, "people vary". I'm one of the types that would rather be alone than in a 5/10 relationship, but I fully understand that not everyone feels that way. If anything were to happen to my DH, I'm fairly confident I wouldn't marry again. I might enter a long-term relationship, but I think it would be very hard to find someone that fits into my crazy life the way he does and the thought of even looking for someone else sounds horribly unappealing. I'm a realist, not a rose-colored-glasses-wearer. I get that not everything is a 10/10, I just hope you feel that you deserve a great life :) If 5/10 is your great, then my big mouth will stay shut :)
 

acebruin

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Sha|1434657778|3891002 said:
Laila619|1434648610|3890944 said:
Those of you with super happy, blissful marriages: what do you think is the key to your success?

I'm curious too!

be the perfect spouse is the key to success i think... not expect a perfect spouse... once you focus on yourself and put your spouse's needs before yours, all expectations are off! always think of your relationship as going to school... always trying to learn new things about your spouse... do the things you did when you first fell in love... keep dating your spouse no matter how busy you are with your kids... my pastor once asked me before we got married, "why do you want to marry her?" a lot of people answers that question with because he / she makes me happy... well what about those days where he / she makes you mad? everything they do that day is wrong? what then? what if that day turns into weeks? months? that is one loaded question... but if your answer is i want to make him / her the happiest person on earth, then you are on the right track... in this world who teaches "if you scratch my back, i'll scratch yours" mentality, it's hard to live out "i'll always give, and give, and give, and maybe i'll receive once in a while" mentality... i know it's easier said than done... i'm not the perfect husband yet, but i hope someday i'll get there and graduate with a phd on my wife!
 

susief

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We are really happy together. Always have been. Married almost five years.

I don't think we've done anything special. Just complete luck of being very compatible.
 

kenny

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sonnyjane|1434660238|3891018 said:
kenny|1434649286|3890952 said:
sonnyjane|1434635278|3890835 said:
kenny|1434593629|3890657 said:
We've been together 13 years.

On a scale of 1 through 10, 1 being the worst and 10 being the best I'd rate it a 5.
Good enough to keep going, I guess.

Oh Kenny :-/ I find that terribly sad if you're being serious.
I'm serious.
Sorry you find it sad.
I don't.
5's good enough, and at least I have someone.

I think many people have been trained to put on a happy face and do the rose-colored-glasses thing when describing family stuff.
I don't bother with lots of supposed-tos.
I'm comfortable with transparent and honest.

As you know, "people vary". I'm one of the types that would rather be alone than in a 5/10 relationship, but I fully understand that not everyone feels that way. If anything were to happen to my DH, I'm fairly confident I wouldn't marry again. I might enter a long-term relationship, but I think it would be very hard to find someone that fits into my crazy life the way he does and the thought of even looking for someone else sounds horribly unappealing. I'm a realist, not a rose-colored-glasses-wearer. I get that not everything is a 10/10, I just hope you feel that you deserve a great life :) If 5/10 is your great, then my big mouth will stay shut :)

Thanks, I certainly respect your perspective.
You wrote, " I just hope you feel that you deserve a great life ..."
I don't think anyone 'deserves' anything.
Everyone thinking they 'deserve' a great life is problematic thinking.
I say, do/get the best you can.

Life's complicated.
I'm old.
I'm realistic.
I'm happy enough to stay put in this 5/10.

He's not ideal, but I'm certainly not either.
It's good enough, and that's good enough.
My people vary and respect diversity thingies even extends to my SO. (BTW, that's very not-usual)
 

House Cat

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Sha|1434657778|3891002 said:
Laila619|1434648610|3890944 said:
Those of you with super happy, blissful marriages: what do you think is the key to your success?

I'm curious too!
I try to be the best that I can be. I maintain my own personal happiness. I do my best to be a GOOD WIFE and when I fail, he forgives me. He does all of this too. I forgive easily too. We give one another a lot of freedom, but don't really want it. We are best friends.

We have been through A LOT in our relationship, mostly due to outside influences. We had to learn to eliminate all of the negative influences that we could. Outside toxicity can really take a toll on a relationship. During the period of time when we were constantly fighting those toxic influences, we were lonely for one another. I think because we lived in our relationship with a longing and sadness for one another, we know that we don't want to do that again.

I grew up in a home where my mother was a terrible wife (and mother.) Her inner question was "what can YOU do for ME?" She took and took and took until we were all depleted, especially my dad. I never saw her give to him. She never nurtured her relationship, her spouse, her children, her friendships, herself. In a quest to be exactly the opposite, my inner question is "what can I do for the ones I love?" Sometimes the answer to the question is meeting their immediate needs and other times it is meeting mine. So far, it has worked for my marriage.

Lastly, I have been in some really terrible and abusive relationships. My husband is the kindest, most gentle man I know. I appreciate him because I know how bad things can be.
 

Laila619

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acebruin|1434660303|3891020 said:
Sha|1434657778|3891002 said:
Laila619|1434648610|3890944 said:
Those of you with super happy, blissful marriages: what do you think is the key to your success?

I'm curious too!

be the perfect spouse is the key to success i think... not expect a perfect spouse... once you focus on yourself and put your spouse's needs before yours, all expectations are off! always think of your relationship as going to school... always trying to learn new things about your spouse... do the things you did when you first fell in love... keep dating your spouse no matter how busy you are with your kids... my pastor once asked me before we got married, "why do you want to marry her?" a lot of people answers that question with because he / she makes me happy... well what about those days where he / she makes you mad? everything they do that day is wrong? what then? what if that day turns into weeks? months? that is one loaded question... but if your answer is i want to make him / her the happiest person on earth, then you are on the right track... in this world who teaches "if you scratch my back, i'll scratch yours" mentality, it's hard to live out "i'll always give, and give, and give, and maybe i'll receive once in a while" mentality... i know it's easier said than done... i'm not the perfect husband yet, but i hope someday i'll get there and graduate with a phd on my wife!

You are a gem, acebruin! I am sure your wife knows she is a lucky gal (as are you).
 

Asscherhalo_lover

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Very. We met in high school, started dating when I was 15 and he was 16. We were married on our seven year dating anniversary and just celebrated our seven year wedding anniversary. We are having our first baby. It is a very happy time. This is one part of my life that I can honestly say doesn't stress me and just works. It's great.
 

ringbling17

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We've been married for 22 years as of June 2.
I would say we definitely have our ups and downs and there have been plenty of times when I've wanted to call it quits, but he puts up with my crap and I put up with his, and I honestly don't think the grass is greener on the other side.
But who knows?

I would give my marriage a 6.5/10 to a 8/10 depending on the time of day.

It's not perfect, but what is?

ETA- my husband is a great guy, we have fun together and we do things together all the time. We go out, watch movies, have date nights once or twice a week, etc. I think what happens is the stress of work (we both work nights) and having four kids and maintaining the house, etc. gets in the way.

But I wouldn't and couldn't imagine life with anyone else and I'm pretty positive neither could he.
We just work together.
 

LLJsmom

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Caveat: Just bc I say we have a happy marriage doesn't everything about it is "happy". We fight and get angry and go through rough times bc of circumstances and sometimes bc we do stupid things. But. I know we are both 200% commited to each other, our marriage, our vows, our children and our family. So whatever comes along we will stick it out, work it out, no matter what it takes. And that knowledge and absolute confidence in our willingness to work and forgive is what makes me feel happy and safe. So sometimes I am at a 5 and some times at a 10. But I am still VERY happy in my marriage.
 

Dancing Fire

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Laila619|1434648610|3890944 said:
Those of you with super happy, blissful marriages: what do you think is the key to your success?
#1- don't have an affair.
#2- don't talk about money.

The two main reasons leading to a divorce.
 

CRYSTAL24K

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Laila619|1434648610|3890944 said:
Those of you with super happy, blissful marriages: what do you think is the key to your success?

Here are a few things that come to mind--

We try to keep God first. Helps keep us centered.

We talk to each other when we want to and even when we don't want to-LOL.

We keep our relationship between us. I don't go blabbing to my girlfriends about things he does that irk me and he doesn't talk smack about me to his friends. If we have a problem we work it out together w/o a million other voices getting into the picture.

We enjoy spending time together and look to bring out the best in each other.
 

packrat

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CRYSTAL24K|1434642650|3890899 said:
iLander|1434633192|3890812 said:
You should see what happens when we're down to the last meatball (or whatever delicious dinner thing), it will remain uneaten because we each want the other to have the treat.

That is love :)

So sweet!

I'd eat it.

If I was feeling particularly lovey I would split it w/him. If he made a big deal about it I would throw his half at him.

And he would expect nothing less.

We have known each other 22 years, together 15, married 13.5 years.

Never had an honest to goodness fight-we don't agree on everything all of the time, we just talk rather than fight. I don't feel that we are equals-things he wants done always come before things I want done. I'm on my first vacation in 12 years, he's on his 6th. I take care of the majority around the house/kids-it's just expected that I will do it, so if I don't, it sits until I do, regardless how much or how little I am working, or how much or how little he is working.

On the flip side, he's the one who does most of the work setting up our yard-I come up w/the ideas, he implements. He finds the humor in my cat-lady side...luckily b/c I'm angling for another..

We laugh a lot. A lot of belly busting laugh so hard you're crying and can't catch your breath laughing. That's our "thing" I guess you could say. We still hold hands when we're out and about. We have the big things in common-the same crazy/insane/just plain wrong sense of humor. We communicate about things-probably over communicate. I am a healer, he is a protector, I am an idealist, he is a realist-it works. We trust each other implicitly--even around Johnny Depp hahaha. We're good together. We love each other, we have each other's backs, and at the end of the day, no matter how much I want to hold a pillow over his face while he sleeps, we were meant to be together.

I cannot put a number to it-depends on the time you ask me. When I'm harping on him about the kitchen/upstairs remodel that he's been promising me for over 3 years, you'll get a different answer than when he figured out it was two different cats of the same breed rather than one, and he laughed, and when he figured out it was then three different cats of the same breed rather than the two, and laughed again. You'll get an even better number if I can figure out how to parlay a kitten of the same breed into the mix and get a laugh out of it.

ETA-I have my Princess Bride wedding set for a reason. We do not go one day w/out saying I love you, having kisses and hugs-we are very touchy w/each other and I feel very connected to each other. We are not a sappy couple-I do not post 97 lines on FB during our anniversary romanticizing our love and waxing poetic and oozing sentiment. I dedicate three Tim Minchin songs to him and if I post about us, it's the funny shit we say/do to each other, mostly what I say/do to him b/c I'm funny. I know he would go to the ends of the earth for me. He is my Westley, and that is enough.
 

distracts

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Married a little over 2 years. We had a really rough time of it last year, but have found our footing again (with the help of like 6 months of biweekly couples therapy). I think we have a pretty happy marriage - room for it to get better, of course, but I am happier with him than I ever was alone, which I have never felt before with any other relationship, and he says the same. He is more patient with and understanding of my mental health problems than anyone else has ever been, and I have progressed leaps and bounds in terms of ability to cope because I've been given the room to do things at my own pace without much pressure. I was never able to do that while living with my parents, who put too much pressure on me, or on my own, where I had no support. To me that is the most unexpected element of the marriage, yet the most amazing one. I can't speak for what he gets out of it, but he always seems happier than I am with the marriage, which I think may be mainly because he is a happier person than me in general - he doesn't cope with the anxiety/depression issues that I always have.

The only REAL problem I have in my relationship is that my husband is not interested in sex ever since his latest weight gain. That is most of what we we've been working on in therapy lately. It's frustrating but since every other part of the relationship is good, it's something I can deal with easily enough. And since I know the reason it's happening, there is always the hope that he will get in shape enough to be interested again. But his eating/workouts aren't really a thing I control or can force, and neither can I force his self-image to be okay, and he currently is only intermittently trying. So it's an issue, but I like him enough to want to work through it or to accept it how it is if that's my only option.
 

diamondemma

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Dancing Fire|1434678937|3891131 said:
Laila619|1434648610|3890944 said:
Those of you with super happy, blissful marriages: what do you think is the key to your success?
#1- don't have an affair.
#2- don't talk about money.

The two main reasons leading to a divorce.


oh Dancing Fire you are so wise!
 

Sha

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It's great to hear about the happy and super-happy relationships. :)) I've been hearing a lot of horror stories lately....a lot about cheating/infidelity....it's been making me wonder how much true happiness exists in marriages today. Thanks for sharing your stories - it's refreshing!

I do agree that communication, sharing, faith, quality time, and laughter are great for a happy marriage.
 

Laila619

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Sha|1434721558|3891276 said:
It's great to hear about the happy and super-happy relationships. :)) I've been hearing a lot of horror stories lately....a lot about cheating/infidelity....it's been making me wonder how much true happiness exists in marriages today. Thanks for sharing your stories - it's refreshing!

I do agree that communication, sharing, faith, quality time, and laughter are great for a happy marriage.

Well not to be a downer, but I have heard of people being in happy marriages and still cheating anyway! Go figure.

But yes, it is nice hearing about all these happy and healthy relationships. We need more of that in this world.
 

chrono

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A thought just occurred to me: how does one define what a "happy" marriage is? Is it the "floating on clouds" type of feeling most of the time? Is it the quiet communication between the couple? Is it the lack of big fights? I think the definition is likely to be different from couple to couple.
 

Tekate

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Happy? hmmm... enjoyable is a better answer for me.. We have been together 30 years and married 28. This is my 2nd marriage, first was so horrible but I was young.

We had kids immediately... our older son was very trying and caused arguments and anger - our son is now 27 and a programmer at HP and happy.. he was just the 'difficult baby/toddler/child/teen/early adult"... our other son is quiet, a programmer and introverted..

We married and came from extremely different backgrounds; me - fighting Irish; him - english snobbery types, THAT caused friction for years.. we almost divorced once.. I had many chips, blocks, boulders and my husband had never been involved with anyone with so much baggage... time... jobs.. moving.... boys growing up, deaths.. then came RETIREMENT... it has been great for him and stressful for me, as my husband inadvertently became my 'team leader' ... we have had to work on that..

I would rate my marriage a 9 out of 10.. we weathered all of the above and became closer, we love our kids, our dog, our life, we are financially well off (not richey rich), we can travel, we have a great home.. these things don't make one happy but they help.

I don't think anyone mentioned and I don't want to be too personal etc.. but one thing my husband and I had was a very good sex life..we were very compatible, I think this more than much kept us together during the rotten times and enhanced the good times.. I apologize if anyone is affected by me mentioning the s word.. but it is important to some in marriages.

My husband also supports my love of diamonds btw! marriage - as in life - is ever changing and very hard.
 

Laila619

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Tekate|1434724563|3891307 said:
Happy? hmmm... enjoyable is a better answer for me.. We have been together 30 years and married 28. This is my 2nd marriage, first was so horrible but I was young.

We had kids immediately... our older son was very trying and caused arguments and anger - our son is now 27 and a programmer at HP and happy.. he was just the 'difficult baby/toddler/child/teen/early adult"... our other son is quiet, a programmer and introverted..

We married and came from extremely different backgrounds; me - fighting Irish; him - english snobbery types, THAT caused friction for years.. we almost divorced once.. I had many chips, blocks, boulders and my husband had never been involved with anyone with so much baggage... time... jobs.. moving.... boys growing up, deaths.. then came RETIREMENT... it has been great for him and stressful for me, as my husband inadvertently became my 'team leader' ... we have had to work on that..

I would rate my marriage a 9 out of 10.. we weathered all of the above and became closer, we love our kids, our dog, our life, we are financially well off (not richey rich), we can travel, we have a great home.. these things don't make one happy but they help.

I don't think anyone mentioned and I don't want to be too personal etc.. but one thing my husband and I had was a very good sex life..we were very compatible, I think this more than much kept us together during the rotten times and enhanced the good times.. I apologize if anyone is affected by me mentioning the s word.. but it is important to some in marriages.

Lol Tekate! On those bad days, sometimes a healthy sex life is probably the only thing that keeps us together. Definitely important.

I think sex and finances are the two things most couples fight about.
 

chrono

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Laila619|1434728559|3891340 said:
I think sex and finances are the two things most couples fight about.
I think so too. In our case, the latter is easily agreeable but the former is more challenging because we have opposing drives. Even so, we have come to a satisfactory middle ground that works for us.
 

azstonie

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I agree regarding the importance of a couple's sex life although there are happy companionate marriages where both parties don't place a high importance on the sexual aspect of marriage. I knew my first marriage was over before we had "the talk" because it was broadcast loud and clear in our bed.
 

manderz

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We do! Very much so. I asked hubby what he thought, and he said 9/10, because there's always room for improvement. I agree, and I think if we weren't working opposite schedules we could probably rate it even higher. I feel like I spend a lot of time missing him. We've been together about 13 years, and married about 2 1/2. The longer we are together and the more challenges we weather, the stronger we get. I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else.
 

aviastar

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Oh yes, we are very happy. My definition of happy? At the highest best times- it IS floating on clouds joyful; on the down days- which are fairly few and far between- it's is still so much better than being on the outside.
 
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