Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO?

[CJ2008]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

Oops, sorry, CJ, I read your original question and then went off on my own tangent.

hahahah oh no it's OK

huh so for you it's a NO to the question, right?

As far as your hubby, if he says he won't mind being alone for Christmas, believe him! I'm sure he'll make the best of it. Maybe you could leave him something for him to feel "with you" when he is home? (like bake him a special dessert as a surprise or something?)

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

Yes. We've done it. It's nice.

What's better, IMO, is a couple (like literally 2 or 4) best friends. Those are the best holidays, IMO. Festive enough to feel special but very low key so you don't have to worry if your lampshades are a little dusty.

 

[MarionC]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

I always wanted to stay home for holidays but my family always pressured. Now most of my family is gone and I don't know which is worse - having to visit with family when you want to stay home, or having to stay home because there is no family.

 

[missy]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

Occasionally and depends on the holiday. I LOVE Thanksgiving and we host it so for me it is perfect. I love being at home and I love hosting Thanksgiving even though it is a LOT of work. Especially for my dh since he does all the cooking and baking. But I sure do enjoy all the leftovers and it is fun hosting my family.

The other holidays are OK but often I would prefer being at home with my dh and the kitties but in my family that would be very difficult to do without causing lots of problems. My mom and dad feel the holidays are important to celebrate with loved ones and to them it is not optional. One Christmas/Hanukah my dh and I spent at this very swanky resort called The Point in the Adirondacks. It was amazing. The only way we got out of it was that it was a very expensive gift from my dh's boss at the time and my mom couldn't argue with that.

In general we always spend Christmas/Hanukah, Passover/Easter and New Year's Eve and Thanksgiving with my family.

The holidays we no longer spend with my family because I put my foot down (because I much prefer being at our beach house during these holidays and spending some of them with friends) are Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day. So at least I got out of those without too much trouble. I just said I am sorry but we are no longer able to spend these holidays with the family. My dh and I love my parents and my sister and my nieces but sometimes just want to spend the holidays with just the 2 of us or with friends. Nothing against anyone in my family. My parents are pretty great in general though my mom and I butt heads a lot because we are too similar in many ways and we are both very stubborn too.

However, I absolutely hate New Year's Eve and that is my sister's holiday to host. And believe me we have tried getting out of it but my dad got involved (and he is so laid back and never gets involved in these things) and there was no way we could stop going. It's like we were committing the biggest sin not wanting to spend NYE with my family. But we made a concession and we leave by 9PM usually now. It's just too late a holiday event for me and we also have a drive from my house to my sister's house and back and I don't like being on the road during certain holidays NYE being one of them.

I cannot wait because Thanksgiving is coming up woohoo! My favorite holiday of all.

OMG Thanksgiving at your house for some reason sounds so cozy and wonderful. I totally envision your husband cooking while you set up a beautiful table and the kitties (and dogs right?) watch you guys.

I know it's a little early yet, but in case, I hope this Thanksgiving is just wonderful for you missy.

See, this is what's "bothering" me.

All my life I felt those same pressures - we need to do this, we need to do that, etc. The very few times - very few - we did something not with the family it was agony to work up the courage to tell them.

And I see that everyone has these same types of pressures, just as intense as mine "there's no way we could say no" etc.

In the last year or so I've grown more and more resentful of these pressures. Just as I need to be getting NICER and MORE accommodating to my parents and my family since they're getting older I'm getting meaner. I'm still just as petrified but have also found it easier to hold long periods of silence (just texting, rather than calling). It's become easier to separate myself. What the heck is that?

Maybe I'm the ahole.

Like I said - I really need to talk to someone.

CJ, you're not being an ahole at all. You are a more private person and an introvert and too much activity/crowding etc is unpleasant much of the time for you. I am sort of the same way (though I know it seems I am more extroverted I really don't think I am-I do best with small groups of 2-4) and I get how you are feeling about this and I am glad we can talk about it and support each other.

It is stressful when our families put pressure on us to be there every single holiday. I accommodate them the best I can within the parameters I can live with if that makes sense. Like go to NYE at my sister's but leave at 9PM so we are home safely and comfortably well before 11PM and watch the ball drop together if we are even awake that is.

One thing I will add is that one of the reasons I make the effort to go to many of the family functions is that my parents are older and I think about how I will feel when they are no longer here. That scares the cr*p out of me and it makes it more palatable to join in with the family holidays etc. Our family is very small to begin with-just me and my sister and my parents and our spouses and my nieces. My aunt and uncle join us about 70% of the time we GTG and they visit my parents often without us any way. That's it in terms of who is in my family. And we are a close knit family but I am definitely considered the "black sheep" of the family lol because I am a rebel and don't visit as much or partake as much in all the family events. Though I sure do partake in a lot IMO.

Thanks for the happy Thanksgiving wishes CJ and same to you. Here's hoping we all have a happy and healthy holiday season with as little bad stress as possible filled with love and peace.

I always wanted to stay home for holidays but my family always pressured. Now most of my family is gone and I don't know which is worse - having to visit with family when you want to stay home, or having to stay home because there is no family.

Exactly. And this is why I push myself to go more often than not.
Biggest (((HUGS))) Jimmianne.
Is your DD staying in France during the holidays? I know you are visiting her but will you be around for Thanksgiving? You always are invited to our home for Thanksgiving or any other family holiday.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

CJ, you're not being an ahole at all. You are a more private person and an introvert and too much activity/crowding etc is unpleasant much of the time for you. I am sort of the same way (though I know it seems I am more extroverted I really don't think I am-I do best with small groups of 2-4) and I get how you are feeling about this and I am glad we can talk about it and support each other.

It is stressful when our families put pressure on us to be there every single holiday. I accommodate them the best I can within the parameters I can live with if that makes sense. Like go to NYE at my sister's but leave at 9PM so we are home safely and comfortably well before 11PM and watch the ball drop together if we are even awake that is.

One thing I will add is that one of the reasons I make the effort to go to many of the family functions is that my parents are older and I think about how I will feel when they are no longer here. That scares the cr*p out of me and it makes it more palatable to join in with the family holidays etc. Our family is very small to begin with-just me and my sister and my parents and our spouses and my nieces. My aunt and uncle join us about 70% of the time we GTG and they visit my parents often without us any way. That's it in terms of who is in my family. And we are a close knit family but I am definitely considered the "black sheep" of the family lol because I am a rebel and don't visit as much or partake as much in all the family events. Though I sure do partake in a lot IMO.

Thanks for the happy Thanksgiving wishes CJ and same to you. Here's hoping we all have a happy and healthy holiday season with as little bad stress as possible filled with love and peace.

What I'm starting to realize is that I am angry at myself for going along with so many pressures for so long. Had I been truer to myself earlier and done what I wanted the years I wanted to maybe it wouldn't have compounded and I'd be capable of being more loving and accommodating now.

You being the black sheep of any family is the cutest thing I ever heard. You are the sweetest black sheep ever ahaha

But it goes to show you how it's all relative.

Thank you for your kind words and advice and for the Thanksgiving wishes missy.

I always wanted to stay home for holidays but my family always pressured. Now most of my family is gone and I don't know which is worse - having to visit with family when you want to stay home, or having to stay home because there is no family.

Yeah...neither is ideal.

Brings me back to my point that better would be if family did not pressure - then we'd enjoy more when they ARE here.

 

[asscher_girl]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

We try to take turns. Our families are spread across the country. My parents usually come visit my DH and I for Thanksgiving in CA (and we host at our house). We usually invite 1 or 2 more couples over so it's not just 4 of us for dinner, lol.

For Christmas, most of DH's family live in one city in the Midwest so we have been going every other year to his parent's house. On the off years, we go on vacation, just the two of us. Usually to somewhere warm - Caribbean or Hawaii. I'm hoping we can start going on more vacations and less trips to the midwest for Christmas....his family is great, but I'd prefer a real vacation and I hate being cold, haha. We always take a full 2 weeks off work (16 days total including weekends) so it's really nice to take that opportunity to travel and decompress before our crazy careers start again in January.

 

[Tekate]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

yes, it's stressfree, but a bit lonely

 

[Calliecake]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

For many, many years the holidays were my favorite time of the year. I had so much fun with my nieces and nephews and many of my happiest memories come from being surrounded by family. It was also the time of year when my MIL was really nice.

Everything has changed the past few years. We have spent Christmas Day at home the past two years, just the two of us. We used to spend that day with my husband's side of the family. My in laws have both passed away and my BIL's have divorced. We usually get together with my husband brother's families in January sometime. A few years ago when my MIL was still alive, my SIL was arguing with her sister and decided her family was taking a vacation over the holidays. The following year both her mom and dad passed away within a month of each other. I often wondered if she didn't regret not spending her parents last Christmas with them. After my MIL passed away they went back to going on vacation over Christmas. They have since divorced so I have no idea what will happen this year.

On my side of the family my SIL's do not like each other so when we all get together it seems it ends up being a day where there are jabs thrown about all day which makes everyone uncomfortable. My brother talks about politics for hours on end. It's like sitting thru a Fox News four hour show. Everything was so different when the kids were young. Everything was focused on the kids and everyone got along great back then. I think this Christmas Eve we will probably just spend the evening with my parents. I really miss the days when we were are all together and everyone got along. I actually kind of dread the holiday season now. I wish my brothers families could put their difference aside for one day for the sake of my mom.

 

[blackprophet]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

...What I'm starting to realize is that I am angry at myself for going along with so many pressures for so long. Had I been truer to myself earlier and done what I wanted the years I wanted to maybe it wouldn't have compounded and I'd be capable of being more loving and accommodating now.

I look at this similar to a recent thread about cutting kids off from gifts. I'd say just do it. You will get pressure the first few years, but over time people (ad you) will adjust.

You could tell one family that you will be with the other and vice versa. Easier to ask for forgivness than to ask for permission...

Alternatively, you could come up with a schedule of events to miss. One year miss Easter, next year christmas, next year thanksgiving, etc. with out missing the same family two years in a row. It would help manage your anxiety, as well as manage the blow back. And I don't think anyone would pick up on the pattern. Taking one holiday to yourself per year is not unreasonable.

Stop resenting giving in to others in the past, and make the change now. And take solace in the fact you are doing this for yourself, carrying that resentment would be unhealthy in the long run.

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

CJ I am an introvert too and prefer small crowds. Last 10 years or so have been an exploration of boundaries for me and trying ( with some success) to ditch guilt motivated behavior that makes me unhappy. It's healthy! You are not an a**hole. I dislike huge holiday parties and hate the chaos uncertainty of "who is going to host what" the holidays bring out in my family and DHs family live far away. So what I did is this. I picked the holiday most important to me: Christmas and we host a small brunch. Small cause our place is small and our table seats 6. Brunch because it leaves the night before free to enjoy with DH and let's us sleep in that morning a bit, but has everyone gone by 5:00pm so we can enjoy the evening. As for Thanksgiving...one of my aunts finds a Thursday holiday to be inconvenient so she reschedules it! Seriously every couple of years she says: lets do Thanksgiving on Saturday. Ticks my DH.off like nothing you've seen but that gave us an out. We started to do our own thing. Sometimes we have the Holiday with my family (on years it isn't rescheduled) and sometimes we spend it alone or with friends. Sometimes we go back east.

If started a little at a time. But I started where you are. Disliking the obligations and doing what was expected of me because of guilt. At some point you have to put yourself first though. But it can be hard. It is worth it though. I've stoppdd.caring what my family thinks a "good daughter" or "good niece" or whatever should do. I got tired and bitter living up to others expectations at the expense of myself. So I do what I think a good daughter does now. Take calling for example. My mother is narcissist. She's a black hole of self esteem. If she doesn't FEEL I am giving her enough attention she acts out. Crying, angry phone calls, accusations that I don't love her, and guilt trips (single mothers do great guilt trips). I stopped taking it. It was really hard. But I did it. I told her I would only talk to her when and if she was civil. And if that meant hanging up, I did. A good.daughter in MY book, doesn't have to take abuse. So I do not.

Now a couple years down the line, my.mom have a relationship that is much healthier. She still acts out but it is less and less. I call her once a.week. Much less than she would like. But its how I like it. And what is right for me. AND THAT is.what matters.

Yes. She's getting older. But so am I. And I matter too. And so do you.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

Gypsy.

You have NO idea how timely your post was.

Like I have a text prepared for my mom that I put together really early this morning after getting one of hers that I hadn't sent.

And I decided to check here before sending it and saw this.

So yeah, timely.

I'll respond better later.

I am ridden with so much guilt and conflicting feelings about my parents and family and so many things I feel pulled in all sorts of emotional directions. (maybe this is a midlife crisis? first time this thought crosses my mind...but...hmmm...maybe).

Thank you.

 

[azstonie]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

CJ, you are not the ahole. You are an adult and you have your own family to consider. Your FOO has been happy to have you enmeshed with them. They won't like the changes but hey, you don't need them to like it.

It is never to late to assume control over your own life. It is never too soon to take your marching orders from yourself.

Your family can be gracious and understanding of the change or not, they will choose their reaction. If they are smart, they will support you in this.

You don't have to JADE regarding your decisions: Justify, argue, defend, explain.

 

[partgypsy]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

There was a period of time for every Thanksgiving (and some Christmas) we were expected to travel to my husband's grandparents' house for the holidays, 2 states away. It was the guilt, we don't know how much more time they will have, we should see them for every holiday. I didn't have much time off and invariably we'd be stuck in long traffic jams. I actually love his family and enjoy their company, but HATED the drive (literally an entire day to drive there, in bad weather/traffic or both). One year we got stuck in traffic, didn't move for 2 hours. When we got to a place we could finally turn around, we did so, and called them from home letting them know we weren't coming. That took care of Thanksgiving. There was still pressure to visit for Christmas. When we had kids, we put our foot down and said, sorry we are not traveling with small children for the holidays but you are welcome to visit us. There was some harrumping about it, but it was not as big deal as I thought it would be. We would still visit during the summer but for me at least it was a relief to not have that burden of traveling during the holidays!

I'm still in the mode that holidays are for family. I enjoy being around my family (extended or otherwise) for the holidays, it would feel strange not to. I guess my only exception, if I were able to take a trip or vacation to somewhere warm with SO instead of big family Christmas, I could be talked into that!

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

Gypsy.

You have NO idea how timely your post was.

Like I have a text prepared for my mom that I put together really early this morning after getting one of hers that I hadn't sent.

And I decided to check here before sending it and saw this.

So yeah, timely.

I'll respond better later.

I am ridden with so much guilt and conflicting feelings about my parents and family and so many things I feel pulled in all sorts of emotional directions. (maybe this is a midlife crisis? first time this thought crosses my mind...but...hmmm...maybe).

Thank you.

I am happy my post helped you!!

It's not a mid-life crisis.

It's a warning. It's a mental and emotional boundary. And while your conscious mind is struggling with it-- because of guilt. Your unconscious mind has already made up it's mind to put you first. You have to learn to trust your gut, not your programming.

If you keep ignoring your gut you will have a break. It could be a small one or a big one. It could be at a family party when you just finally snap and yell out, "That's IT! I've had IT!"

I'm not saying snap in the sense that you are going to grab a gun and hurt someone. Please don't misunderstand. But you will likely hurt yourself emotionally, and may behave in a way you are embarrassed about later. Which will make this whole process harder.

Have you thought about seeing a good therapist? One that is trained in CBT and Narrative work could be a big help. That's what helped me. I was very much where you sound like you are.

I KNEW inside something was wrong. But I couldn't work through the guilt and the pressure and expectations alone to figure out the right path forward. My therapist helped me with that.

Now, I had been to therapy before and it was useless. But once I found the right therapist and figured out what to ask for: "CBT and narrative work" especially someone who is well versed in dealing with multi-cultural backgrounds (also key) that understood the pressures of non-American backgrounds. Then I started making progress. I also had to really COMMIT to putting myself first.

((HUGS)) honey. HUGE HUGS.

 

[azstonie]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

Great post, Gypsy.

CJ, what Gypsy said. And try outofthefog.net.

Check the toolbox first.

FOG=Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

When I was in the FOG, my parents called the shots. It isn't easy to come out of the fog but its worth it.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

I am happy my post helped you!!

It's not a mid-life crisis.

It's a warning. It's a mental and emotional boundary. And while your conscious mind is struggling with it-- because of guilt. Your unconscious mind has already made up it's mind to put you first. You have to learn to trust your gut, not your programming.

If you keep ignoring your gut you will have a break. It could be a small one or a big one. It could be at a family party when you just finally snap and yell out, "That's IT! I've had IT!"

I'm not saying snap in the sense that you are going to grab a gun and hurt someone. Please don't misunderstand. But you will likely hurt yourself emotionally, and may behave in a way you are embarrassed about later. Which will make this whole process harder.

Have you thought about seeing a good therapist? One that is trained in CBT and Narrative work could be a big help. That's what helped me. I was very much where you sound like you are.

I KNEW inside something was wrong. But I couldn't work through the guilt and the pressure and expectations alone to figure out the right path forward. My therapist helped me with that.

Now, I had been to therapy before and it was useless. But once I found the right therapist and figured out what to ask for: "CBT and narrative work" especially someone who is well versed in dealing with multi-cultural backgrounds (also key) that understood the pressures of non-American backgrounds. Then I started making progress. I also had to really COMMIT to putting myself first.

((HUGS)) honey. HUGE HUGS.

It really did Gypsy.

Had it not been for your post, I would have sent the text, and many of the things I had planned on saying were out of guilt.

Yes - I often have to prepare myself so that I don't snap - and by snap I mean exactly what you meant - say something I'll regret later. Plus also invite anger and a blow up on the other side which I'd rather not do because it will make it harder and more uncomfortable so if I could say what I need to but not in a snapping sort of way, better for me...

I have absolutely thought about seeing a therapist. And CBT is the only therapy that is worth paying for in my opinion - I like analyzing (as it's clear from many of my posts ) but I want tips and behaviors I can use and put into effect. Otherwise it may be fun but doesn't really help. I don't know that I know about narrative work but will look it up.

The only reason I have not already gone to a therapist is 1. money and 2. the last time I went I called a BUNCH of therapists and I did not like the 2 I went to see. :/ I had found one for DH too and he didn't like him much either.

However - that was a while back so perhaps there are more now. Have you ever worked with someone over the phone? I'm not sure what the laws are about doing therapy over the phone but I could see it being effective (assuming it's the "right" therapist for the person) even if not as ideal as in person.

I think some of my guilt comes from...always putting myself first. A *lot* of it comes from my being introverted. When I say I like alone time I mean I can go months and months without talking to anybody. I dislike big gatherings, loud crowded things, and I have noticed an increased level of discomfort with say going to my parents when their own friends are over there. Having to make conversation and being lively and smiley drains me. Even though I very often am lively and smiley. But in some situations I feel like I have to put on a show. But I also know that I am (or can be, that's probably a healthier way of saying it) self absorbed and selfish (I've tried to get therapists before to confirm or deny this but none have yet - I will ask again) so I try to find a balance for the people I care about. And trust me my level of balance is still WAY LESS than anybody would like.

But yes something is wrong and I need to figure out what it is. ETA and also agree I'm looking for self-protection - it FEELS like whoa I don't know what's going on but I need some distance right now.

Hugs back to you.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

We try to take turns. Our families are spread across the country. My parents usually come visit my DH and I for Thanksgiving in CA (and we host at our house). We usually invite 1 or 2 more couples over so it's not just 4 of us for dinner, lol.

For Christmas, most of DH's family live in one city in the Midwest so we have been going every other year to his parent's house. On the off years, we go on vacation, just the two of us. Usually to somewhere warm - Caribbean or Hawaii. I'm hoping we can start going on more vacations and less trips to the midwest for Christmas....his family is great, but I'd prefer a real vacation and I hate being cold, haha. We always take a full 2 weeks off work (16 days total including weekends) so it's really nice to take that opportunity to travel and decompress before our crazy careers start again in January.

asscher what do you get to do this Christmas? (I hope it's a warm one for you!)

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

CJ, you are not the ahole. You are an adult and you have your own family to consider. Your FOO has been happy to have you enmeshed with them. They won't like the changes but hey, you don't need them to like it.

It is never to late to assume control over your own life. It is never too soon to take your marching orders from yourself.

Your family can be gracious and understanding of the change or not, they will choose their reaction. If they are smart, they will support you in this.

You don't have to JADE regarding your decisions: Justify, argue, defend, explain.

My family is just my DH and the 2 cats.

A full family for sure, in my eyes.

But...a far cry from the time and responsibility of caring for and raising children.

What's FOO? Family Of Origin?

Thank you for the JADE thing - I am writing that one down.

DH helps me a lot with this kind of thing he finds it much easier to not JADE.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

yes, it's stressfree, but a bit lonely

Sorry that it feels a bit lonely Tekate could you do something to make it less so? Visit a friend, or invite a friend for a little while?

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

...What I'm starting to realize is that I am angry at myself for going along with so many pressures for so long. Had I been truer to myself earlier and done what I wanted the years I wanted to maybe it wouldn't have compounded and I'd be capable of being more loving and accommodating now.

I look at this similar to a recent thread about cutting kids off from gifts. I'd say just do it. You will get pressure the first few years, but over time people (ad you) will adjust.

You could tell one family that you will be with the other and vice versa. Easier to ask for forgivness than to ask for permission...

Alternatively, you could come up with a schedule of events to miss. One year miss Easter, next year christmas, next year thanksgiving, etc. with out missing the same family two years in a row. It would help manage your anxiety, as well as manage the blow back. And I don't think anyone would pick up on the pattern. Taking one holiday to yourself per year is not unreasonable.

Stop resenting giving in to others in the past, and make the change now. And take solace in the fact you are doing this for yourself, carrying that resentment would be unhealthy in the long run.

I think I remember that thread, bp...it was kids over 18 I think right?

Do you mean lie? Like oh we're going to be with DH's family but really not do it? (there's something so deliciously devious about this haha but I could not pull it off I'm such a chicken). I have a feeling this is not what you meant but maybe you did.

The schedule sounds like an interesting idea. I'd have to be organized and do it all ahead enough of time to BEAT the really early texts or announcements from family (they seem to know what they want to do for Christmas by Easter! )

Yes I have to stop resenting and do something about it.

I guess I just want to make sure I'm doing the right things for the right reasons and I feel so confused right now it's hard to know what "right" is, you know?

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

There was a period of time for every Thanksgiving (and some Christmas) we were expected to travel to my husband's grandparents' house for the holidays, 2 states away. It was the guilt, we don't know how much more time they will have, we should see them for every holiday. I didn't have much time off and invariably we'd be stuck in long traffic jams. I actually love his family and enjoy their company, but HATED the drive (literally an entire day to drive there, in bad weather/traffic or both). One year we got stuck in traffic, didn't move for 2 hours. When we got to a place we could finally turn around, we did so, and called them from home letting them know we weren't coming. That took care of Thanksgiving. There was still pressure to visit for Christmas. When we had kids, we put our foot down and said, sorry we are not traveling with small children for the holidays but you are welcome to visit us. There was some harrumping about it, but it was not as big deal as I thought it would be. We would still visit during the summer but for me at least it was a relief to not have that burden of traveling during the holidays!

I'm still in the mode that holidays are for family. I enjoy being around my family (extended or otherwise) for the holidays, it would feel strange not to. I guess my only exception, if I were able to take a trip or vacation to somewhere warm with SO instead of big family Christmas, I could be talked into that!

Hmmm...small children could come in handy for me

I think you should start planning for that warm trip/vacation now! (for whenever in the future would be feasible) I hope you do it.

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

Have you ever worked with someone over the phone? I'm not sure what the laws are about doing therapy over the phone but I could see it being effective (assuming it's the "right" therapist for the person) even if not as ideal as in person. CJ off the top of my head I can't remember where you live. Where are you again hon? I think the issue with over the phone and even Skype is the billing. If you are paying out of pocket you may be able to find someone who would be okay with this. I think even my therapist would be, but probably for existing patients she has seen in person. Body language tells a therapist A LOT. Especially at the start when it is hard for us to be completely open it give them a lot of clues. So that's why I said Skype. But if insurance is involved, many won't reimburse for sessions that are not in person, except in the case of emergency or something.

I think some of my guilt comes from...always putting myself first. CJ honestly. How often do you put yourself first and in what ways? Explain it to me, with examples hon. Please. My family called me selfish quite a bit. Turns out, they were wrong. They were being selfish in what they were asking of me. For example. One time my grandmother asked me to do "one thing" for her. Just one thing! How could I NOT do "one thing" for her? Well, the ONE THING she wanted me to do was completely not okay with my moral code. Fundamentally opposed to it in fact. And when I said so, she said I was being selfish. Berated me for being ungrateful for all the things she did for me. But you know what? She NEVER should have asked what she did of me. It was wrong. SHE was wrong. And I wasn't being selfish at all. I was being true to myself. And that is not only OKAY, but it is healthy and proper. She kept repeating the "one thing" thing, and finally I just said. "Grandma you could tell me to kill a person tomorrow for you. It would be ONE THING. It's not how many things you ask of me. It's WHAT you ask of me. If it is something I can do, I will. I'm not being selfish, you are." She was miffed to say the least. A *lot* of it comes from my being introverted. When I say I like alone time I mean I can go months and months without talking to anybody. That's who you are. And you have to have find the confidence to accept YOURSELF for who you are. Because you don't. You keep apologizing for who you are. Even here. And you don't have to EVER apologize for being true to yourself about something like being an introvert. I dislike big gatherings, loud crowded things, and I have noticed an increased level of discomfort with say going to my parents when their own friends are over there. I am exactly this way. And there is NOTHING wrong with it. My parents LOVE to socialize. And every weekend they do at least one big gathering, and often during the week as well. And my mother likes to parade me like a prize poodle. I HATED. But I did it. I've stopped doing it all together. I allow her one 'friend' gathering a year. Seriously. ONE a year. Not including things I want to attend on my own, like weddings. Having to make conversation and being lively and smiley drains me. Even though I very often am lively and smiley. But in some situations I feel like I have to put on a show. Me too. Exactly and verbatim. I could have written exactly that. And I suspect most introverts could have as well. I had someone describe the difference between being an introvert and being an extrovert to me very well. An extrovert gets their energy recharge from social situations and finds being alone draining. And introvert is the opposite. We charge in solitude or with close people (like DH and kitties) and find social situations very draining. That's just who you are.Think of it this way. Does your family change who they are for you? NO. So why do you constantly have to change and apologize for who you are to accommodate them? Well, the answer is that you don't. They should love you for who you are. I see my mother now once every two or three or four weeks-- whatever works for my schedule. For a few hours. And when it is only her and my step-dad or other CLOSE family. Small manageable doses. And more intimate time where we can talk. She gets her time with me. I get my time with her. And it's on my terms. It works for me. And it is working for her. But I also know that I am (or can be, that's probably a healthier way of saying it) self absorbed and selfish Honey, you KNOW I am blunt right? TO the point where I piss people off regularly. I think this is false. And this is EXACTLY why I suggested Narrative work. What it does is work on changing your INTERNAL voice. The one you talk to yourself with. The tapes running through your head. Your own narrative. I have NEVER EVER EVER EVER seen anything in any of your posts, and I like you a lot so I pay attention to you, that says you are selfish. I have a feeling you are wrong about this. And that your internal narrative is tainted by your manipulative families judgement of you as selfish. That this is your guilt and programming talking. I think you will probably find that you aren't selfish ENOUGH and that you need to start taking care of yourself and your needs better. (I've tried to get therapists before to confirm or deny this but none have yet - I will ask again) so I try to find a balance for the people I care about. You have to care about yourself first. And you have to stop apologizing for that. And you have to force them to deal with you AS YOU ARE. Not as they WANT you to be. They have to accommodate YOU as you are. Not forcing you to accommodate them all the time. And trust me my level of balance is still WAY LESS than anybody would like Except you. You clearly aren't having your needs met. That's why you have all this conflict. YOU want more. So that tells me that you are probably wrong about this too. And that this too is tainted narrative imposed on you externally. And that you aren't seeing yourself clearly.

But yes something is wrong and I need to figure out what it is.That's why I suggested therapy. But you NEED to have someone you like and trust. I wish you were near me (heck for some reason I think you might be??? My memory sucks). My therapist is great. I would happily refer you. ETA and also agree I'm looking for self-protection - it FEELS like whoa I don't know what's going on but I need some distance right now.That's you subconscious telling you to pay attention to IT, not your tainted internal guilt narrative.

Hugs back to you.

Sorry for the bluntness. I sense too much confusion and tension in you to sugar coat. And I don't have the skills for it anyway. I wouldn't know tact if it walked up and smacked me.

Sorry for EPIC grammar issues above.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

Have you ever worked with someone over the phone? I'm not sure what the laws are about doing therapy over the phone but I could see it being effective (assuming it's the "right" therapist for the person) even if not as ideal as in person. CJ off the top of my head I can't remember where you live. Where are you again hon? I think the issue with over the phone and even Skype is the billing. If you are paying out of pocket you may be able to find someone who would be okay with this. I think even my therapist would be, but probably for existing patients she has seen in person. Body language tells a therapist A LOT. Especially at the start when it is hard for us to be completely open it give them a lot of clues. So that's why I said Skype. But if insurance is involved, many won't reimburse for sessions that are not in person, except in the case of emergency or something.

I think some of my guilt comes from...always putting myself first. CJ honestly. How often do you put yourself first and in what ways? Explain it to me, with examples hon. Please. My family called me selfish quite a bit. Turns out, they were wrong. They were being selfish in what they were asking of me. For example. One time my grandmother asked me to do "one thing" for her. Just one thing! How could I NOT do "one thing" for her? Well, the ONE THING she wanted me to do was completely not okay with my moral code. Fundamentally opposed to it in fact. And when I said so, she said I was being selfish. Berated me for being ungrateful for all the things she did for me. But you know what? She NEVER should have asked what she did of me. It was wrong. SHE was wrong. And I wasn't being selfish at all. I was being true to myself. And that is not only OKAY, but it is healthy and proper. She kept repeating the "one thing" thing, and finally I just said. "Grandma you could tell me to kill a person tomorrow for you. It would be ONE THING. It's not how many things you ask of me. It's WHAT you ask of me. If it is something I can do, I will. I'm not being selfish, you are." She was miffed to say the least. A *lot* of it comes from my being introverted. When I say I like alone time I mean I can go months and months without talking to anybody. That's who you are. And you have to have find the confidence to accept YOURSELF for who you are. Because you don't. You keep apologizing for who you are. Even here. And you don't have to EVER apologize for being true to yourself about something like being an introvert. I dislike big gatherings, loud crowded things, and I have noticed an increased level of discomfort with say going to my parents when their own friends are over there. I am exactly this way. And there is NOTHING wrong with it. My parents LOVE to socialize. And every weekend they do at least one big gathering, and often during the week as well. And my mother likes to parade me like a prize poodle. I HATED. But I did it. I've stopped doing it all together. I allow her one 'friend' gathering a year. Seriously. ONE a year. Not including things I want to attend on my own, like weddings. Having to make conversation and being lively and smiley drains me. Even though I very often am lively and smiley. But in some situations I feel like I have to put on a show. Me too. Exactly and verbatim. I could have written exactly that. And I suspect most introverts could have as well. I had someone describe the difference between being an introvert and being an extrovert to me very well. An extrovert gets their energy recharge from social situations and finds being alone draining. And introvert is the opposite. We charge in solitude or with close people (like DH and kitties) and find social situations very draining. That's just who you are.Think of it this way. Does your family change who they are for you? NO. So why do you constantly have to change and apologize for who you are to accommodate them? Well, the answer is that you don't. They should love you for who you are. I see my mother now once every two or three or four weeks-- whatever works for my schedule. For a few hours. And when it is only her and my step-dad or other CLOSE family. Small manageable doses. And more intimate time where we can talk. She gets her time with me. I get my time with her. And it's on my terms. It works for me. And it is working for her. But I also know that I am (or can be, that's probably a healthier way of saying it) self absorbed and selfish Honey, you KNOW I am blunt right? TO the point where I piss people off regularly. I think this is false. And this is EXACTLY why I suggested Narrative work. What it does is work on changing your INTERNAL voice. The one you talk to yourself with. The tapes running through your head. Your own narrative. I have NEVER EVER EVER EVER seen anything in any of your posts, and I like you a lot so I pay attention to you, that says you are selfish. I have a feeling you are wrong about this. And that your internal narrative is tainted by your manipulative families judgement of you as selfish. That this is your guilt and programming talking. I think you will probably find that you aren't selfish ENOUGH and that you need to start taking care of yourself and your needs better. (I've tried to get therapists before to confirm or deny this but none have yet - I will ask again) so I try to find a balance for the people I care about. You have to care about yourself first. And you have to stop apologizing for that. And you have to force them to deal with you AS YOU ARE. Not as they WANT you to be. They have to accommodate YOU as you are. Not forcing you to accommodate them all the time. And trust me my level of balance is still WAY LESS than anybody would like Except you. You clearly aren't having your needs met. That's why you have all this conflict. YOU want more. So that tells me that you are probably wrong about this too. And that this too is tainted narrative imposed on you externally. And that you aren't seeing yourself clearly.

But yes something is wrong and I need to figure out what it is.That's why I suggested therapy. But you NEED to have someone you like and trust. I wish you were near me (heck for some reason I think you might be??? My memory sucks). My therapist is great. I would happily refer you. ETA and also agree I'm looking for self-protection - it FEELS like whoa I don't know what's going on but I need some distance right now.That's you subconscious telling you to pay attention to IT, not your tainted internal guilt narrative.

Hugs back to you.

Sorry for the bluntness. I sense too much confusion and tension in you to sugar coat. And I don't have the skills for it anyway. I wouldn't know tact if it walked up and smacked me.

Sorry for EPIC grammar issues above.

Gypsy

First of all thank you for taking the time to write me back like this. Thank you so much.

I think you're in California right? I'm far from you (I say little in posts just cause I'm paranoid someone will figure out who I am since I usually spill out so much here to you guys). But if I can't find anyone around here I'll let you know and you can ask your therapist if she'd be willing to do Skype (assuming I can even afford her). Thank you G.

I just took this test Egoism/Altruism test on Psychology Today - and while it's a quickie version I think it hits the nail on the head about what I mean.

"Your score on the Helpfulness scale was in the mid-range. This means that although you are generally a helpful person, you don't always go out of your way to help others, and in some cases, you'll only do so if asked. Although you're not obligated to bend over backwards to help others, offering your support and being there when needed doesn't just benefit the people around you but yourself as well. If you were to regularly follow this path chances are that when you're in need of a shoulder to lean on, you'll have someone to turn to. The best part about helping others isn't only that warm, fuzzy feeling it provokes, but its potentially "infectious" nature as well. That one person you help may do the same for someone else, and so on!"

(I want you to know that as I was reading this "summary" I kept thinking to myself "F you!" "Fffffffffff you" (not kidding) There was something about the summary that really irked me - I just want the facts, don't tell me what I "should" be doing.)

Or maybe it irked me because...hmmm...yeah that's me.

So this usually shows when my parents have something going on that may require me to give time. An operation, say. I'll figure out what's "required" and I'll do that, but no more...especially if I feel there's all sorts of expectations from my mother as to what I should do. I know one time my father was in the hospital - nothing life threatening - but I did my normal visits - went a few times to the hospital, then a few visits at home...she told me after how she was really disappointed, that she had really needed me and I wasn't there. Then another time she had a knee surgery and when I told her I would go see her the day after the operation she said how come I don't even ask her if she needs me to go when she gets the operation.

I didn't ask because I knew if I did she'd probably say yes I need you to come that day. Or the day before. Etc.

So no I don't go above and beyond...(where DH usually does/will - would be interesting for him to take that test, actually.)

With some people, I've made mistakes. I wasn't really there for this one person - I didn't go above and beyond - she went through a difficult time and I regret it to this day, but have promised myself I will make it up to her. I want to be there for her. I don't feel this way very often.

And everything - everything - you said about the introvert part is true for me too - I used to attend these parties with my mom's friends (who I like a lot, actually) but they were these huge loud parties, and I always felt on display somehow and like I would almost revert to feeling like a cute little girl/daughter. I used to be OK with this but now it really bugs me and just feels like too much I don't know what. I don't know it just feels weird and uncomfortable. Slowly I started to attend them less and less and now I don't get invited any more which is perfect.

So now do you see how there is some selfishness. And this is why I'm so fearful of what my parents will require of me as they get older. And the expectations.

 

[packrat]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

We have a large family, but we all splinter off for holidays-the only time we're *all* together is a wedding or funeral. Family friends that live around the corner host Thanksgiving and Christmas at their house and they end up w/..OMG it makes my hands sweat to think of the number. She has three sisters and two brothers, plus their spouses, plus their kids and spouses, plus *their* kids, so that's pushing 50 there, plus their own kids/spouses/grandkids...55 or so? No thank you sir.

We hosted dad's side for Tgiving right after we got married and that ended up at 12, including ourselves. My aunt was a butt about it the next year so that was the end of that.

Then a couple years it was us, my parents, my brother, my grandparents on dad's side, my gramma on mom's side and then my MIL. Now I only have one gramma and it's hard for her to get around so I can't send JD up to help her walk down (she lives around the corner). My MIL is in a nursing home and we have no contact. The last several years have been pretty low key. The four of us, my parents and my brother and SIL. A few years ago we did have the family friends mentioned above over (they live next door to my gramma ha!), b/c we got two feet of snow on Xmas eve so nobody could get around..well, my parents came from 10 miles away and we all laughed b/c people were posting on FB upset they couldn't get to families places just a few blocks away and I'm like aww that's too bad for you-but my parents made it 10 miles so....

We do rearrange time/day if something is going to interfere. If my brother has to work I'll bend over backwards to find a different day/time to do it so he can be there. JD will probably work, but it's awesome b/c he just wears his uniform and brings a squad home and takes calls from here.

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

Still not seeing selfishness to any extent you have to apologize for it.

My mother went through a series of surgeries that were really tough on all of us. She was at the brink of death, literally. And we all, my whole family, went above and beyond and went through hell over it. But she was dying.

And she has lots of ongoing health issues. She has cancer in remission. Lupis. Has partial paralysis from her brink of death experience. Is in constant pain and her doctors can't seem to find anything other than narcotics to help her. Which terrifies her. I visit. But as nothing she is going through is that extreme, I don't really offer my assistance either. I don't really see that as selfish. I have a life of my own. And issues of my own.

When I was twenty she said, in an attempt at a guilt trip: Well I better increase my retirement savings as I don't see you doing for me what I did for my mom. And you know what I said, "You are right. I won't. I am happy to put you in a good home. I'll even let you pick it." And she KNEW I was serious. That's the last time we discussed the issue and I know for a fact that she increased her retirement savings significantly and has made her own plans over her future. As she should. It's her life. Not mine.

I don't need her to take care of me, either. Last time I was in the hospital she didn't even stay an hour, afraid of catching something. I have my husband.

She has her husband. And he has her. That's why they are married. They need each other. And they are perfectly capable of taking care of each other.

My mother used to try to give me guilt trips about everything she's done for me. Finally, and very seriously, I said that I didn't want to hear about it anymore. I didn't ask to be born. She CHOSE to have a child and all that entailed. And she didn't do that for ME. She did that for HER. And while I DO appreciate everything she did for me, I refuse to be hit over the head with a guilt hammer for it ever again.

When my parents get to the point that they aren't self sufficient, I fully intend to put them in a home or an adult community. And to check on them and visit. But for the most part, their caretaking will be done by people that are paid for it.

Is that selfish of me? I don't really care. And I don't judge myself for it. It's how it is. And I accept that about myself. And frankly, I'm happy the way I am.

Selfish is irrelevant as long as my husband and my cats are happy with me.

 

[aljdewey]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

This year, I am going to do just this......spend a holiday with only my husband, for the first time. And I am literally giddy with excitement.

It's not that we don't love our families - we do. But it seems like the Italian in me is genetically incapable of doing anything less than full-scale productions. It's my weakness, and it can be really exhausting.

It was fun and exhilarating when I was younger, but it's definitely become more like work the older I've gotten. I've fantasized a bit from time to time about just sneaking off with R someplace to have a lower-key occasion.

This year, we are doing that for Thanksgiving week. My adult niece and nephew will be staying at our place while we're gone, which allows them to offer their abodes to extended family coming from overseas to visit. Everyone wins!

I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to spending those days just strolling with my hub and enjoying his company.

 

[lambskin]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

Holidays bring out the worst in family dynamics. Simply put it excerbates the dysfunction. The Alpha relative is more demanding and high maintance, the passive aggressive one delays any obligation or commitment and the person(s) with the alcohol and/or anger issues has everyone on pins and needles both before, during, and after the holiday. Family fights on holidays make up family legend and are never forgotten. Financial hardship, illness, guilt, and cost of travel and presents, really do a number on folks. Expectations run high and for the most part are not met. Once you stop believing in Santa-game over. There is a reason we avoid the above; holidays are for families and if we do not follow the norm (whatever that is ) it makes our situation seem more dire and dysfunctional and even pathetic. To elucidate the obvious, there is no such thing as a perfect holiday or family. Some may be better than others but on the whole there is always stress and problems. So if you are able to limit exposure such as time and frequency and not spend vast quantities of money you may be able to get through it a little better. FWIW, I focus on my cooking and tell everyone that I do not need help in the kitchen. It is my refuge and escaping from the pack helps. I focus on the food and make sure the clean up is done right. I can join in when things are calm and exit when things get tense. I know that having a wonderful meal or a beautifully decorated house does not make a perfect holiday but I enjoy doing these things and I get comfort and satisfaction from doing these well. I try not to take things personally and have even made a game of noting-by eye contact- others' digs and negative comments with my BF. There is a lot of work, time,thought, and expense incurred for a day and then it is over in a flash. Only the memories-both bad and good remain.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

We have a large family, but we all splinter off for holidays-the only time we're *all* together is a wedding or funeral. Family friends that live around the corner host Thanksgiving and Christmas at their house and they end up w/..OMG it makes my hands sweat to think of the number. She has three sisters and two brothers, plus their spouses, plus their kids and spouses, plus *their* kids, so that's pushing 50 there, plus their own kids/spouses/grandkids...55 or so? No thank you sir.

We hosted dad's side for Tgiving right after we got married and that ended up at 12, including ourselves. My aunt was a butt about it the next year so that was the end of that.

Then a couple years it was us, my parents, my brother, my grandparents on dad's side, my gramma on mom's side and then my MIL. Now I only have one gramma and it's hard for her to get around so I can't send JD up to help her walk down (she lives around the corner). My MIL is in a nursing home and we have no contact. The last several years have been pretty low key. The four of us, my parents and my brother and SIL. A few years ago we did have the family friends mentioned above over (they live next door to my gramma ha!), b/c we got two feet of snow on Xmas eve so nobody could get around..well, my parents came from 10 miles away and we all laughed b/c people were posting on FB upset they couldn't get to families places just a few blocks away and I'm like aww that's too bad for you-but my parents made it 10 miles so....

We do rearrange time/day if something is going to interfere. If my brother has to work I'll bend over backwards to find a different day/time to do it so he can be there. JD will probably work, but it's awesome b/c he just wears his uniform and brings a squad home and takes calls from here.

Sounds like you tend to like smaller gatherings too packrat

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

Still not seeing selfishness to any extent you have to apologize for it.

My mother went through a series of surgeries that were really tough on all of us. She was at the brink of death, literally. And we all, my whole family, went above and beyond and went through hell over it. But she was dying.

And she has lots of ongoing health issues. She has cancer in remission. Lupis. Has partial paralysis from her brink of death experience. Is in constant pain and her doctors can't seem to find anything other than narcotics to help her. Which terrifies her. I visit. But as nothing she is going through is that extreme, I don't really offer my assistance either. I don't really see that as selfish. I have a life of my own. And issues of my own.

When I was twenty she said, in an attempt at a guilt trip: Well I better increase my retirement savings as I don't see you doing for me what I did for my mom. And you know what I said, "You are right. I won't. I am happy to put you in a good home. I'll even let you pick it." And she KNEW I was serious. That's the last time we discussed the issue and I know for a fact that she increased her retirement savings significantly and has made her own plans over her future. As she should. It's her life. Not mine.

I don't need her to take care of me, either. Last time I was in the hospital she didn't even stay an hour, afraid of catching something. I have my husband.

She has her husband. And he has her. That's why they are married. They need each other. And they are perfectly capable of taking care of each other.

My mother used to try to give me guilt trips about everything she's done for me. Finally, and very seriously, I said that I didn't want to hear about it anymore. I didn't ask to be born. She CHOSE to have a child and all that entailed. And she didn't do that for ME. She did that for HER. And while I DO appreciate everything she did for me, I refuse to be hit over the head with a guilt hammer for it ever again.

When my parents get to the point that they aren't self sufficient, I fully intend to put them in a home or an adult community. And to check on them and visit. But for the most part, their caretaking will be done by people that are paid for it.

Is that selfish of me? I don't really care. And I don't judge myself for it. It's how it is. And I accept that about myself. And frankly, I'm happy the way I am.

Selfish is irrelevant as long as my husband and my cats are happy with me.

I think some of the issues/expectations come from exactly that...the difference in the way she felt and would have done for her mother versus what I might do. I think my mother is starting to realize I am very different. I am helpful but not in a doting type of way...I'm not that affectionate, either...and my way of helping is with what I'm good at...planning, researching, etc.

I can tell you that if my mother was going through what yours is going through she would be expecting a lot from me. Visiting once a week or every 2 or 3 works now (with the occasional guilt trip) because everything is fairly OK...but if she was in pain, no...she would be letting me know it.

I feel like sometimes she sees illness as a chance to see me more. So I think she works herself up thinking how much I'm going to do and how much I'll go over there and when I don't as much as she'd like it's very hurtful and a disappointment.

For the first time I think ever in my life I told her exactly that when she questioned that I should have asked if she needed me when she was having knee surgery...I told her "I know you have dad."

That was really really hard for me to say for some reason. Partly because I know he's a very low key kind of guy who doesn't really do much, you know? She calls the shots so he's just...around.

I'm trying to help my parents better plan and even though they are very open with their finances with me they're not willing (when I say they I mean my mother) to change their spending habits for the most part and they have very little money left. So yeah I'm scared. Because even if there's no real caregiving involved not having money makes things hard. And what's going to happen when my father can no longer drive her around everywhere? Hiring people to help them takes money. It's scary, illness or not.

I know I'm a disappointment to her and probably to my whole family - and an embarrassment, too - because I'm not the "everything is family" person they wish I was...they are surrounded by friends who have very tight knit families (like they see each other every day tight knit) and I am sure that is very embarrassing and hurtful to her that they can see we are not the same.

I go between feeling really really bad for her like my heart shrinks for her to trying to accept who I really am and finding a balance that works for me but shows them I care and love them at the same time. It's been a lifelong struggle but it was easier when I acted more like what they expected...it has become harder lately because of aging and finances (both mine and theirs) and because who I really am and what I am comfortable with is surfacing more and more clearly.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Do you ever want to spend the holidays just with your SO

This year, I am going to do just this......spend a holiday with only my husband, for the first time. And I am literally giddy with excitement.

It's not that we don't love our families - we do. But it seems like the Italian in me is genetically incapable of doing anything less than full-scale productions. It's my weakness, and it can be really exhausting.

It was fun and exhilarating when I was younger, but it's definitely become more like work the older I've gotten. I've fantasized a bit from time to time about just sneaking off with R someplace to have a lower-key occasion.

This year, we are doing that for Thanksgiving week. My adult niece and nephew will be staying at our place while we're gone, which allows them to offer their abodes to extended family coming from overseas to visit. Everyone wins!

I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to spending those days just strolling with my hub and enjoying his company.

OMG how exciting aljdewey - I *feel* the excitement and the delight that you're going to feel just strolling with your husband and enjoying his company.

I hope it's even better than you expect. ENJOY.