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Do today's men have commitment issues?

Discussion in 'Hangout' started by Laila619, Jun 4, 2014.

  1. yorkgirl
    Shiny_Rock

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    by yorkgirl » Jun 9, 2014
    I talked to my husband about this thread. For what it's worth we've been together for 15 years and discussed marriage early on, both chose a ring (though he paid) and celebrated our engagement together. No proposal - I agree it's a formality. We've had a romantic life built on mutual partnership and equality. I never ever got the proposal thing...it feels quite hokey to me, like the whole being asked to prom deal. Staged. But any girls that are engaged at work, after squeals the questions from other women are always "how did he propose???"

    He pointed out the same point a guy said earlier about 3/4 of women being the ones filing for divorce. In addition, the sexual revolution has also brought on the fact that women are just as likely to cheat on their partners as men are. Also children of divorce are less likely to be in lasting marriages themselves. More divorces equal more children of divorce.

    So perhaps all of this waiting could be lack of mutual trust? Less faith in marriage overall?

    I do agree though that intentions should be stated early on, not the third date or anything but c'mon, in the first year. A year is a long time! How could you not have that discussion within a year, or do have that discussion and accept "be patient" as a good answer? That's why I think proposals are hokey - that element of waiting to be asked is fake, and puts all the control and power in the guys hands in terms of timing. That's what is not very modern to me. That only made sense in Victorian times when women did nothing but tend to their homes and wait to accept marriage proposals.
     
  2. MonkeysInk
    Shiny_Rock

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    by MonkeysInk » Jun 9, 2014
    My then-boyfriend-now-husband was more afraid of marrying me than he was of being killed by the Taliban.

    We met a few years after I'd gotten divorced and very shortly after he had. We had clear expectations from the very beginning (that we both wanted to get married and have children) but as things got more serious, he got freaked out. He'd been in the Reserves for nineteen years without drilling or doing anything but some annual paperwork (his professional experience covered the other requirements) and suddenly decided to enquire about active duty assignments. Poof, he's in a freaking war zone and I'm seeing his people in the WSJ while I drink my coffee and hearing explosions while we talk on the phone.

    He came home ready to get married and all is well - we have kids and a house and all the things we wanted. In his defense, he'd been married a long time before and his heart (and trust) badly broken.

    I still tease him that I am scarier than the Taliban.
     
  3. TC1987
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by TC1987 » Jun 9, 2014
    Oh, I DO think it's as simple as that. Men need to quit playing victim. If you allow a situation, then you've allowed it. Take the blame and take your lumps, men. Courts do usually allow "more than her fair share" to a nonworking / homemaker spouse, because they see a homemaker's services as having value, and they also consider that the man agreed to having that situation, especially if it's gone on for a few years. That's why you don't want a nonearning spouse. Nobody who has just one kid needs a homemaker. I grew up in a 2 parent, dual career household. I see NO need for a homemaker in a marriage, once the kids are in school at least part of the day. My mother said she saw no need to sit at home all day, because "there's not that much to be done in a home if you are organized, the kids do chores, and the husband also pitches in." So, on the flip side of that, if you have a homemaker doing all of the scutwork and keeping the household running, and totally freeing up her husband's time so that all he has to do is his career, then, yes the courts DO see that woman's services as having value.

    I don't think I'll ever marry again. I found it insulting. I was in my 30s when I married, and it was a complete disappointment and a very negative experience. I really didn't get much out of it, I hated being downgraded to "wife," and I chafed at having to do ALL of the stupid boring housework. Children were out of the question. Unfortunately, they'd just have been more chores and expenses for me, because the now ex-husband 1) was not a provider, and 2) would never do "women's work." The single males where I live now are not even date material. They make my ex look like a real catch. LOL
     
  4. Asscherhalo_lover
    Ideal_Rock
    Trade

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    by Asscherhalo_lover » Jun 9, 2014
    Honestly, among my circle of friends, no they do not have commitment issues. All of my DH's close friends married before they were 30, so far they are all still married and most have started families. We are all working professionals who have completed at least some college if not grad school. Only 1 male friend is not married, he had a child out of marriage in his early 20's and did not complete college. We all live in NYC/ Long Island.

    In my extended circle the men who aren't married are the ones who don't have financial means to support themselves and still rely on their parents. The same mostly goes for the ladies as well.

    My DH and I started dating when we were teens. We decided before we started college that we would get married before we graduated. A year into college we got engaged. I picked, he paid. The actual proposal was a surprise, he waited two days once he had the ring. We were married while I was in grad school and will be celebrating our 6 wedding anniversary as well as 13 years together in total.

    I honestly think that by the time men are in their 30's the ones who want to be married are already married. What you get after that are the forever bachelors or already divorced. Also, marriage isn't always immediately about having children. As I mentioned I have been married 6 years happily with no children, we are only just starting to plan for children. The biggest thing I can say is about both people in a relationship being on the same page. From relatively early on. That may vary for each couple but I wouldn't be spending the night with someone regularly unless I knew there were further plans.
     
    


    


  5. Laila619
    Super_Ideal_Rock

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    by Laila619 » Jun 9, 2014
    I think there's a lot of truth to this. Like I mentioned, my friends' boyfriends are all in their mid 30s. Even though they might be *saying* all the right things, that they want to get married and have kids, their actions are saying something totally different. And at 35+, they are not getting any younger.
     
  6. TooPatient
    Ideal_Rock

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    by TooPatient » Jun 9, 2014
    TC -- Actually, Perry is very correct. DH and his ex made comparable salaries. They owned two houses. She had a brand new car (no payments) and he had a POS that was always breaking down. She had retirement accounts, a trust fund, a NYC apartment, and more. He paid the majority of household bills including private school tuition for "A". This is a community property state. She got both houses, her new car, all of her retirement, trust fund, apartment, etc. He got to keep his POS car and (about 6 months later...) was allowed to take whatever of his clothes she saw fit to throw in boxes for him to collect. He also got to keep paying for the private school tuition, additional for a nanny, and child support above and beyond.

    I don't see how entering a relationship with someone with a college degree and good salary is allowing themselves to be set up for that. The only way to NOT potentially face that is to remain single and celibate for life.
     

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