shape
carat
color
clarity

Divorce support/rant/whatever-you-need thread

Discussion in 'Family, Home & Health' started by MakingTheGrade, Nov 19, 2018.

  1. MakingTheGrade
    Super_Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    10,155
    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2009
    by MakingTheGrade » Nov 19, 2018
    It's come up in various other threads that there are quite a few of us who are divorced or currently going through or contemplating divorce.

    I thought I'd see if there was interest in a thread/group where we can chat about it without feeling we are thread jacking, being judged, or bringing others down (many are here to buy erings after all). I imagine many of us feel similarly in real life around real friends and colleagues too, and may not have a space to talk freely.

    I guess I'll start. I'm 4 years post divorce after 10 years of being a couple. We engaged and married young and grew apart with age, and I'll admit most of that was me (I was much younger and so did more of the growing). We struggled and grew apart for awhile but I eventually decided our differences were not something that could be reconciled as they reflected fundamental differences in values. I realized I wanted a partner that celebrated the things about myself that I was most proud of, rather than just tolerate them. He's really a great guy, if I had any sort of conservative stay-at-home type friends to set him up with, I would in a heart beat. I sincerely hope he finds the right woman to live out his dream of a white picket fence, babies, and doing things the way "everyone else does it". But it can't be me, it isn't me. Luckily it was civil, and no kids involved so clean break.

    I still find it super weird when I have dreams with him in it. And every now and then I'll have a flashback to a happy memory of us together and get teary. Even though it's been 4 years and I love my current life and SO.

    Questions that people can maybe chime in:
    1. Do the surprise memory attacks ever go away?
    2. Do you still talk to your ex? If not, do you expect to someday?
    3. Do you think getting divorced has altered your views on getting remarried?
    4. Is anyone else's mom trying to talk them into freezing eggs? :wall:
    5. Are you doing ok?
     
    WhitePeonia and PreRaphaelite like this.
    


    


  2. PreRaphaelite
    Brilliant_Rock

    Messages:
    1,246
    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2015
    by PreRaphaelite » Nov 21, 2018
    I don't have any real answers but I just wanted to wish you peace for the past, and excitement for the future. :)
     
    Hivona, WhitePeonia and tigertales like this.
  3. missy
    Super_Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    25,988
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2008
    by missy » Nov 21, 2018
    @MakingTheGrade I don't have any personal real life experience with divorce but I have close friends who went through it and can share some of what I learned from them if it can be helpful to you at all.

    1. Yes it gets easier with time.

    2. The ones with kids obviously still talk with their exes but the majority of them who did not have kids together while cordial do not speak on any regular basis.

    3. For the men they are more eager to get married because for the most part they enjoyed being married (unpleasant stuff notwithstanding) and want to get married again. The women are a bit more cautious but ultimately want to and most have already remarried. Generally if one finds the right person one wants to remarry because life is sweeter together than alone. No one can (usually) take the place of a spouse and friends are great but a spouse is different. More like an extension of who you are and under the best of circumstances you are a team together where joy shared is joy doubled and sadness shared is sadness halved.

    4. LOL I'm sure.:lol: For most of my friends now however it is probably too late if they didn't already have kids.

    5. Yes they are ALL doing great not just OK. A bad/unhappy relationship is much worse than being alone and in a bad marriage you are way more lonely and alone than when you are out of that bad relationship where being alone doesn't translate to being lonely. With time you heal and are ready to move on and find someone to share your life with.

    Glad you are doing so well and have found a man worthy of your time and energy and love.:appl:
     
    KristyDarling, AV_ and PreRaphaelite like this.
  4. ColinMartin
    Rough_Rock

    Messages:
    4
    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2013
    by ColinMartin » Nov 21, 2018
    @MakingTheGrade

    1) While I never believed I could get over this, I woke up one day and the heartbreak had healed. Unexpectedly and out of nowhere. Took about 4 years after a 11 year marriage. Time heals when you least expect it. I love those popup memories. Keep those happy memories alive and celebrate them!

    2) I talk to my ex on a regular basis because we have a son together. We have grown closer as we've matured and now respect each other greatly. We are now the people that we needed to be back then to have a successful marriage.

    3) I said I would never get remarried after what happened, but in my maturity I realize how very beautiful commitment is with someone you love. The fears and uncertainty dissolve into hope and happiness. Yes, I am getting remarried after 15 years to the young lady in my profile pic.

    4) I don't have any experience with the egg part. ;-)

    5) I'm better than OK. I'm the best I can be. I actually called my ex up one day and thanked her for going through with the divorce because it made me the man I am today. I barely even remember the guy I used to be. I needed this to happen to push myself and my life forward. It was a blessing in disguise. I've never been happier and you will be too.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2018
    


    


  5. MakingTheGrade
    Super_Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    10,155
    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2009
    by MakingTheGrade » Nov 22, 2018
    Aw thanks. No worries though. I’m quite happy, and I initiated the divorce. Honestly the only loose thread is worrying about how he’s doing :/
    I’m totally guilty of googling him from time to time.
     
    PreRaphaelite likes this.
  6. FancyLuckyLady
    Rough_Rock

    Messages:
    3
    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2014
    by FancyLuckyLady » Nov 29, 2018
    I'm on the same boat, and feel the same way.. except, this is very recent for me, and I'm still struggling to go through with this, as it is still very fresh.
    I wonder if he will be alright, and I wish he will be happier. It is not easy, but I know in time it will get better for both of us.

     
  7. LJsapphire
    Brilliant_Rock

    Messages:
    866
    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2016
    by LJsapphire » Nov 30, 2018
    Questions that people can maybe chime in:
    1. Do the surprise memory attacks ever go away?
    2. Do you still talk to your ex? If not, do you expect to someday?
    3. Do you think getting divorced has altered your views on getting remarried?
    4. Is anyone else's mom trying to talk them into freezing eggs? :wall:
    5. Are you doing ok?

    I'm 7 years divorced, we had been together for 10 years but didn't quite make it to 2 years of marriage. He was a serial cheat, mostly uncovered after the wedding. There had been "virtual" stuff before hand that I'd forgiven him for and then real life stuff afterwards. I'm suspicious if he didn't at least attempt to cheat on me before we were married also. We married at 29 (me) and 26 (him).
    He lied to me throughout the last affair, I was pregnant. He said they were just friends. He got aggressive and abusive when challenged. I had the police out to him when he threw stuff at me and he was removed from the house, told to stay in a hotel but he had no money so he came home. I shouldn't have let him come back.
    He started the divorce against me, using an online company (£300). I got a real solicitor and spent about £2500 making sure everything was covered, plus the settlement I paid him to leave the marital home.

    1. I don't really have surprise memory attacks. I'm sometimes pretty bitter, especially over the lies and the fact that he blamed me. Our mutual friends are just his friends now, he probably painted me to be the bad guy. It really annoys me that nobody cares what he did. But I try to keep that inside and I just get on with it.

    2. Yes we still talk for my son's sake. We are actually pretty amicable but in the early days he was still trying to control me. He was emotionally abusive when we were together. When I met my DF he realised what he was going to lose and he regretted it.

    3. I want to get remarried, my DF is my upgrade and I want my wedding to be an upgrade and my new life to be an upgrade. My ex has been remarried for 5 years.

    4. I'm 40 now. My DF doesn't want children, he says we are too old now (he wants to slow down as we age not be in our 50s with a teenager). I wanted another one. It's hard to take sometimes but we would have to cut back on nice things so that's what I'm telling myself. I wouldn't have a nice car if I had another child.

    5. I'm doing better than I was before. He did me a favour. :cool2:
     
    Tekate and junebug17 like this.
  8. partgypsy
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    6,125
    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2004
    by partgypsy » Dec 6, 2018
    1. Do the surprise memory attacks ever go away?
    They are the most frequent the first couple months and years, going through the calendar. And for me, de-cluttering the house and going through things that reminded me of him and our past life. They are less frequent. I still have dreams with him, which are about our relationship and break up (themes of abandonment). So my brain is still processing things. Which is healthy.

    2. Do you still talk to your ex? If not, do you expect to someday?
    We have two kids together so yes talk on a regular basis. When I realized it was painful for him to be talking about his personal love life to me I asked him to stop. So we talk but it is about kids stuff, or his mother, etc. I don't really talk to him about personal stuff.

    3. Do you think getting divorced has altered your views on getting remarried?
    My views more have to do with being older with two kids who depend on me (emotionally, financially). I haven't completely ruled it out but I'm being pragmatic that I don't want to get married and potentially divorced if it will impact my kids in any negative way. I would love however to eventually have a relationship with someone we could live together and share a life.

    4. Is anyone else's mom trying to talk them into freezing eggs? :wall:
    don't have to worry about that!

    5. Are you doing ok?
    I think it depends on the day, but overall, yes. It will never be the same but it does get better.
     
    junebug17 likes this.
  9. Tacori E-ring
    Super_Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    20,009
    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2005
    by Tacori E-ring » Jul 13, 2019
    I got divorced Dec of 2012 after being with my ex for 13 years. It was tough. Even though it was a nightmare of a marriage and I was relieved not to be legally bound to him I still remember weeping my entire divorce proceeding. It took me awhile to date again. I still have some PTSD from my marriage but as they say, time really does heal most wounds. I had two serious relationships since my divorce. The first last 13 months. He wasn't "the one" for so many reasons but he was so much better than my ex it took me awhile to realize I still deserved better. My current relationship has been 2+ years. We are engaged and I am pregnant. I like to share my story because he is AMAZING. I have never been happier or more in love. There is hope after divorce. I promise. You just have to sometimes be patient and stay true to yourself.
    1. Do the surprise memory attacks ever go away?
    They are few and far between but there was some serious stuff that happened in my marriage. I have flashbacks from time to time.
    2. Do you still talk to your ex? If not, do you expect to someday?
    Unfortunately I have to because we have a child together. If not, I would not speak with him. We have a civil relationship but will never be friends.
    3. Do you think getting divorced has altered your views on getting remarried?
    I never thought I would get married again. I think divorce jades most people. I remember going on a string of bad first dates thinking I would never find anyone I could get excited about again. My "training" relationship post divorce, pre my new forever, really helped me understand what I need and what I am NOT willing to accept. I am so excited to commit to my current partner. We have so much going on though it probably will not be until next Fall.
    4. Is anyone else's mom trying to talk them into freezing eggs? :wall:
    No...not a single person ever mentioned that. I am not sure your age but I am currently pregnant at 39.
    5. Are you doing ok?
    It took awhile. I uprooted my life completely. Moved with my daughter cross-country. Started a new career. I really had to rebuild my life. My divorce was 6.5 years ago. I am great and honestly probably started doing better a few years post-divorce. Take care of yourself. Listen to what you need. Be gentle. Be kind. Have hope. Life goes on and so will you.
     
    WhitePeonia and junebug17 like this.
  10. tigertales
    Shiny_Rock

    Messages:
    349
    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2015
    by tigertales » Jul 14, 2019
    That's a really, really good way to put it. I should needlepoint that.
     
    PreRaphaelite likes this.
    


    


  11. tigertales
    Shiny_Rock

    Messages:
    349
    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2015
    by tigertales » Jul 14, 2019
    I divorced my Ex twice. It traumatized us both so much we needed each other to help get over it (but he still wouldn't change so...). Now, he comes over to mow the lawn, play with the dogs. I make him a sandwich. He's giving me an eternity ring soon. I think we're kind of nuts, actually.
     
    AV_, Mamabean and Tekate like this.
  12. dk168
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    4,561
    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2013
    by dk168 » Jul 14, 2019
    No advice, just sharing my own experience.

    I met my ex at work, different departments (we did work together in the same department for about a year), and we were together for 10 years, married for 7.

    We grew apart, and I met someone else. He said at the time that he was glad I found someone who was able to make me happy as he was not able to do so.

    He took care of handling the paperwork for the divorce, on the grounds that I committed adultery, and cost him/us next to nothing in money. I left the job, company and moved out of the area at the end of 2004, as it was too awkward and emotional to remain.

    He let me take whatever I wished to take, let me keep the car. He kept the house where we lived and worked that he paid for, I kept my bachelor flat in London. There was no argument about who should have what, and I took the set of pans we bought for our marital home (his house) that I joked I would keep if we were to part (I did get him a replacement set so that he could continue to cook).

    His family hated me, however they did not particularly liked me as I was not "their kind" as commented by his father everytime I went to visit his family (I am Chinese from HK, my ex is a native Brit). I know my ex stood up for me after I left him, that I was not the evil person my ex outlaws said I was.

    My ex and I are still in good terms. We care for each other, like brother and sister. We communicate regularly, and I pay him a visit every 2-3 years or so.

    When my late partner, the one I left my ex for, died suddenly of a canal boat accident in late 2008, my ex was the third person I rang after my mum and my best friend.

    He also supported me when I was in financial difficulties.

    He is a great gent, however, he was not able to provide the fireworks of life that I sought.

    Whenever I hear about bitter and acrimonious parting of a couple, I would reflect on how lucky I was, in that my ex was, and still is, a generous and kind person with a big heart.

    Hurting me is one of my very few regrets in life. Don't feel any pain as such, just upset to have hurt him to this day.

    DK :roll2:
     
  13. dk168
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    4,561
    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2013
    by dk168 » Jul 14, 2019
    We did not have any kids or fur babies. I don't like kids and he does not like cats or dogs.

    I referred to him as my cat substitute, in that I would have had cats had I not met him first.

    DK :D
     
    PreRaphaelite likes this.
  14. Tekate
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    5,539
    Joined:
    May 11, 2013
    by Tekate » Jul 14, 2019
    I often think of my ex husband, and occassionally dream about him. My dreams are always of him trying to get me back or put me down. I often think about why I stayed with him, what was wrong with me and my divorce is 31 years ago and we broke up 33 years ago. I met my ex at Fordham University freshman year and he was wonderful and great etc. He chased me for years and finally as senior year rolled around he started to pull back, I think that was when our college romance should have ended, I wish I had good self esteem them and I would have just said eff it, good luck bye! but being who I was then I held onto him like a life raft, he was my ticket to 'normal' and a better life. We married after 4.5 years of dating and we broke up 6 weeks shy of 10 years married, during that time he emotionally, morally, spiritually, and all ways possible and I took it and tried to make contort me to what he wanted: Cheryl Ladd, and I look like Kate Jackson if you can remember the 70s at all. So he cheated on me and I kicked him out and I remarried quickly and had a baby immediately, but I still get thoughts of him and continue to still muse about what a clusterf--k that was, I felt very angry for years afterward that I stayed with him. I can say in the very beginning of the breakup he said to me he was sorry that he emotionally abused me, he recognized he did that which was very freeing but me? I spent years in therapy trying to figure out what, why and where I was going.

    The thing about divorce is that we lose our memories in a way, the good times (and there were were a few) were put behind as I built this wonderful life with my husband of now 32 years. I place the popup memories in a place where when I pull them out I go over why I married him etc. I highly recommend that people don't get married till 30 - 22 was too young.
     
  15. bling_dream19
    Shiny_Rock

    Messages:
    357
    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2019
    by bling_dream19 » Aug 14, 2019
    I still have pain and dreams but they are less year. I will be 5 years post divorce at the end of September. I am engaged as of Jan this year. I married young at 23 and we were married for 13 years. The story is very complicated and maybe one day I will share. I sometimes think about the life I would have with him if we were still together. Divorce is a wound that requires daily healing. I'm glad you all are here and my heart goes out to each of you and only you knew your marriage and only you know your divorce.
     
    elle_71125 likes this.
    


    


  16. missy
    Super_Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    25,988
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2008
    by missy » Aug 14, 2019
    Congrats on your engagement and upcoming marriage. :appl:
    May the happiness and love and joy erase any pain and heartache you still feel. I am glad you are healing and doing well. Sending you (((hugs))) and love.
     
    bling_dream19 likes this.
  17. bling_dream19
    Shiny_Rock

    Messages:
    357
    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2019
    by bling_dream19 » Aug 14, 2019
    Thank you Missy :wavey:I appreciate your kind words. I have to keep reminding myself it is all over and the life I'm living now is up to me. I have so much to be grateful for and I need to love with 100% of me. Thank you for the love and hugs, i am sending you the same. I know you are going through your toughest time. Stay strong and enjoy your days and icecream!
     
    missy likes this.
  18. moneymeister
    Brilliant_Rock

    Messages:
    1,024
    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2009
    by moneymeister » Aug 23, 2019
    Hi MTG,
    I divorced in 2000, remarried someone else in 2008. Divorced in 2010 ( long, sordid, heartbreaking story) and met my hubby in 2013. We married in 2016 and I am so happy. I am sure he is the perfect balance for me in almost every way. We make a good team.

    Questions that people can maybe chime in:
    1. Do the surprise memory attacks ever go away?

    Eventually yes, after you work out the trauma and pain from the divorce. Counseling was very helpful to process the "long, sordid story" referred to above. Now, I only think of ex's possibly twice a year. Life left them behind in the scrapbook. Eventually, I moved in.
    2. Do you still talk to your ex? If not, do you expect to someday?
    Nope. No reason to. Our kids are grown up now. Funny though, I'm still facebook friends with his mother.
    3. Do you think getting divorced has altered your views on getting remarried?
    During the recovery time, sure. I spent cycles of bitter, angry, sad, lonely, hopeless. I had time that I doubted there were any "good men" left. Then I remembered the good men I knew and loved, like my father and my son. I knew they would never betray a person as my ex betrayed me. In time, I was able to build the ability to trust and meet people. The funny story is I met my husband when I gave up finding someone serious. My "right now" turned out to be Mr. Forever.
    4. Is anyone else's mom trying to talk them into freezing eggs? :wall:
    Mine are surely fossilized by now. I'm 54. As a Mom, I wouldn't even think of frozen eggs. If daughter needs to talk eggs, I'll leave that up to her.
    5. Are you doing ok?
    Lord yes, never ever happier. Life is sweet and balanced and restful. I am sitting beside my dorky best friend. There have been hard times, hard situations, but I realize looking back I have been blessed. I wouldn't want to go back through the pain, but I did learn I have innate balance and fierce tenacity to get through whatever life throws at me.

    Hang in there, life is always writing a new chapter.
     
    bling_dream19 likes this.
  19. Mrs_Strizzle
    Shiny_Rock

    Messages:
    462
    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2018
    by Mrs_Strizzle » Sep 2, 2019
    I went.t thru a horrible divorce after 16 years married, 19 years together. The short version is it ended in restraining orders for myself and my oldest son against him, and many many days fearing I had lost my children and completely [email protected]#$ed my life by chewing off my own leg to get out of the bear trap.

    That said, I am now 3 years happily married to the man of my dreams (literally, he would appear in my dreams randomly over the years, known him since I was 11) and we are raising our 5 kids together, custody of all.

    I do not talk directly to my ex, it is a group text usually between us, his wife, and my hubby. Usually it's her responding about their visitation. Man, she is stupid. We usually get a pretty good laugh.:lol:

    I will admit I have caught myself about to call hubby the ex's name, but I try not to beat myself up about that. I was with him about half my life up to that point.

    I had no pressure about babies, as I already had 3 and then married 2 more. I am covered up in little boys, some with my brown eyes, some with hubby's blue. Part of me wishes we could have one together, but physically impossible on both ends, and unrealistic for our future plans. But I often think of an unborn daughter with my dark hair and his aqua colored eyes.

    As for am I ok, ABSOLUTELY. My family loves to talk about me being revived after divorce and finding true love. Hubby and I have been told more than once that we are "relationship goals." It hasn't been an easy road for me to learn what healthy love is, and not suffocating and controlling love. I will admit I almost sabotaged what I had by not realizing what healthy is, but thankfully hubby is patient and as amazing as he sounds! ;)2
     
    leslie1956 and AV_ like this.
  20. Crystal_Dreams
    Brilliant_Rock

    Messages:
    560
    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2014
    by Crystal_Dreams » Sep 11, 2019 at 7:08 PM
    I am not divorced. But some may be aware of my past relationship issues and a tumultuous marriage...

    The long and short of it is he cheated and lied. I walked out. We decided to reconcile eventually, but it has been difficult, and has taken a long time to get to where we are now.

    We are now about 20+ months down the road and I still suffer from intrusive thoughts and memories, though these have largely improved and I am able to handle them much better! Although I will never forget what has happened, I have hope that the day will come when such thoughts hold no power over me. I am getting there.

    I consider my old marriage to be dead. He killed it with his lying and cowardice. One day perhaps, we will ‘remarry’ each other. But not yet. Our healing is approaching that phase, but it is not something I want to rush into. We are essentially moving towards that, in having purchased a house together this year, tentatively talking about kids (not quite ready yet!)

    My main reason for commenting was actually to reply to the egg freezing question :) I did it after he blew up my life. It was a decision that I chose to make for myself. My mother was concerned about the effects of hormonal injections of all things. I knew that I wanted a family one day, and I felt like by doing what he did, he had stolen my chances of being able to have one. I knew that it wasn’t going to be possible for some time regardless of whether we divorced or not, and it gave me a sense of relief and control, that I was taking steps to try to preserve my fertility. Of course, it is no guarantee. But it was SOMETHING. Whilst feeling like I had lost everything I thought I knew, this little bit or control was something that was very important to me.

    SO if you have any questions for me on the process etc, feel free to ask!
     
    AV_ and elle_71125 like this.

Share This Page