@mrs-b That is so kind of you. Thank you! Sadly, I'm in Canada, so I don't imagine with Covid that the borders will open up soon.
@bling_dream19, @seaurchin, and @caf thank you too for your support and suggestions. It has been hard not to take the rejection personally. I am trying to remind myself that I did the best I could, that I was as loving and supportive as I knew how to be, and that while I certainly wasn't perfect, I didn't deserve to be deserted and abandoned like I was abusive or toxic or horrible in some way. I would love to get a pet. But I think until I know where I'm going to be or what I'm going to be doing, I don't think it would be wise to commit.
@MJ_Mac thank you too. Once covid dies down if you ever want to go for coffee, come find me!
Honestly, I am so grateful for all the love and support that I have - both here and irl. I know people care about me and I know I wouldn't be nearly so lonely if we weren't limiting contact given the pandemic. I would be going to the gym with a girlfriend once a week to a spin class, I would probably enroll in yoga as I have always wanted to try it, I would be going to meetup groups, and I would be having people over to dinner at the house. In the meantime, I have joined an online support group that starts this week that hopefully will be a better fit than the faith based program in town and I have scheduled a few video chats with friends.
I know it will just take some time. What I am finding tough though is that I'm struggling with the loss of a husband I actually liked (a lot), loved (a lot), and enjoyed spending time with (when he was well). I still miss that version of him and I know I hung in as long as I did because I hoped he would come back. I'm just so sad that he won't (or can't), and I'm sad about all the things we used to do together that we will never do again. It's also hard because just when I think I'm getting used to not having any contact with him, he pops back up. And when he does he seems like he is back to his normal self and he seems to be wanting to reach out and reconnect - except that he is adamantly steadfast in his choice to leave. If I ask, he says that he doesn't want our marriage but that he wants to be 'friends' - which I don't think is healthy for me. I am coming to a place where I know that I will have to tell him that if he has no interest in reconciling, he is going to have to leave me alone so that I can move on. That makes me sad too, but I think it is the only way that I will be able to let go of the tiny little hope inside of me that he will get well and come home and let myself figure out a future without him.