Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Divorce support/rant/whatever-you-need thread

cmd2014

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 6, 2014
Messages
2,540
@cmd2014 - can I ask what state you live in? I'm an ex therapist and (i'm told) an excellent friend, and I just thought I'd reach out to you on the very off chance we could meet up for a socially distanced coffee. I'm in MA and am in and out of CA often.
@mrs-b That is so kind of you. Thank you! Sadly, I'm in Canada, so I don't imagine with Covid that the borders will open up soon.

@bling_dream19, @seaurchin, and @caf thank you too for your support and suggestions. It has been hard not to take the rejection personally. I am trying to remind myself that I did the best I could, that I was as loving and supportive as I knew how to be, and that while I certainly wasn't perfect, I didn't deserve to be deserted and abandoned like I was abusive or toxic or horrible in some way. I would love to get a pet. But I think until I know where I'm going to be or what I'm going to be doing, I don't think it would be wise to commit.

@MJ_Mac thank you too. Once covid dies down if you ever want to go for coffee, come find me!

Honestly, I am so grateful for all the love and support that I have - both here and irl. I know people care about me and I know I wouldn't be nearly so lonely if we weren't limiting contact given the pandemic. I would be going to the gym with a girlfriend once a week to a spin class, I would probably enroll in yoga as I have always wanted to try it, I would be going to meetup groups, and I would be having people over to dinner at the house. In the meantime, I have joined an online support group that starts this week that hopefully will be a better fit than the faith based program in town and I have scheduled a few video chats with friends.

I know it will just take some time. What I am finding tough though is that I'm struggling with the loss of a husband I actually liked (a lot), loved (a lot), and enjoyed spending time with (when he was well). I still miss that version of him and I know I hung in as long as I did because I hoped he would come back. I'm just so sad that he won't (or can't), and I'm sad about all the things we used to do together that we will never do again. It's also hard because just when I think I'm getting used to not having any contact with him, he pops back up. And when he does he seems like he is back to his normal self and he seems to be wanting to reach out and reconnect - except that he is adamantly steadfast in his choice to leave. If I ask, he says that he doesn't want our marriage but that he wants to be 'friends' - which I don't think is healthy for me. I am coming to a place where I know that I will have to tell him that if he has no interest in reconciling, he is going to have to leave me alone so that I can move on. That makes me sad too, but I think it is the only way that I will be able to let go of the tiny little hope inside of me that he will get well and come home and let myself figure out a future without him.
 

NicoleNeedsHelp

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 20, 2020
Messages
214
@cmd2014 - can I ask what state you live in? I'm an ex therapist and (i'm told) an excellent friend, and I just thought I'd reach out to you on the very off chance we could meet up for a socially distanced coffee. I'm in MA and am in and out of CA often.
You guys could meet up for a coffee date via Zoom!
 

Cerulean

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 13, 2019
Messages
872
@mrs-b That is so kind of you. Thank you! Sadly, I'm in Canada, so I don't imagine with Covid that the borders will open up soon.

@bling_dream19, @seaurchin, and @caf thank you too for your support and suggestions. It has been hard not to take the rejection personally. I am trying to remind myself that I did the best I could, that I was as loving and supportive as I knew how to be, and that while I certainly wasn't perfect, I didn't deserve to be deserted and abandoned like I was abusive or toxic or horrible in some way. I would love to get a pet. But I think until I know where I'm going to be or what I'm going to be doing, I don't think it would be wise to commit.

@MJ_Mac thank you too. Once covid dies down if you ever want to go for coffee, come find me!

Honestly, I am so grateful for all the love and support that I have - both here and irl. I know people care about me and I know I wouldn't be nearly so lonely if we weren't limiting contact given the pandemic. I would be going to the gym with a girlfriend once a week to a spin class, I would probably enroll in yoga as I have always wanted to try it, I would be going to meetup groups, and I would be having people over to dinner at the house. In the meantime, I have joined an online support group that starts this week that hopefully will be a better fit than the faith based program in town and I have scheduled a few video chats with friends.

I know it will just take some time. What I am finding tough though is that I'm struggling with the loss of a husband I actually liked (a lot), loved (a lot), and enjoyed spending time with (when he was well). I still miss that version of him and I know I hung in as long as I did because I hoped he would come back. I'm just so sad that he won't (or can't), and I'm sad about all the things we used to do together that we will never do again. It's also hard because just when I think I'm getting used to not having any contact with him, he pops back up. And when he does he seems like he is back to his normal self and he seems to be wanting to reach out and reconnect - except that he is adamantly steadfast in his choice to leave. If I ask, he says that he doesn't want our marriage but that he wants to be 'friends' - which I don't think is healthy for me. I am coming to a place where I know that I will have to tell him that if he has no interest in reconciling, he is going to have to leave me alone so that I can move on. That makes me sad too, but I think it is the only way that I will be able to let go of the tiny little hope inside of me that he will get well and come home and let myself figure out a future without him.
His reaching out is totally unfair, and I am sorry he is doing that to you.

I will share a story? I don't mean to say what is or isn't best for you...but I watched a very similar story unfold.

A dear friend of mine was a tremendously loving and supportive life partner. Her spouse left her one day, of his own fruition, and went off to have a great new life on his own (that he had been privately planning for months) and left her shattered. He got a new job, new hobbies, moved to a new city, etc. He filled his life with meaningless distractions and lacked the emotional intelligence to even realize what he was doing.

I warned her shortly after he left her, that he would come crawling back, one way or another, once he realized just how much she actually did for him and had to confront the echo chamber that became his life. I just knew it. This wasn't in a "I told you so" sorta way, but more so she could prepare, and even role play just how she'd respond if the day came, so she could come to her own conclusions about how she felt about it without the pressure of his presence.

Lo and behold, he came back. At first "as friends". Over and over again. In his pursuit for novelty and freedom, he had alienated the one person that was there to support him. He too, suffered from depression.

He'd pick up the phone and call her with such casualness, that it was cruel. He behaved like he had never broken her heart. And despite the pain it caused her when he'd reach out to her...he kept doing it. She would regress every time he did it and wasn't able to reject him outright. She still loved him and held out hope that they'd work through it. He had discarded her like it was nothing and it destroyed her self esteem.

So, after he left her, and toyed with her with this hot & cold contact about "being friends" - he asked her, after 1.5 years of this cruelty, to move across the country and be with him again because he said he would never find anyone like her again. I hated him so much through all of this for his selfishness. But my friend had to decide on her own terms what was good for her.

And it turns out, he was right. He won't find "her" again. And it took my friend a lot of courage and strength to tell him no, to cease contact, and finally cut the invisible cord he'd wrapped around her neck for so long. I am very grateful she is free of him, and has finally begun to heal. It was only when he was actually out of her life, with total finality, that she could move on.

Hugs. I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are being very strong and I hope you find peace, and the love you deserve from the people in your life.
 

allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
3,261
@cmd2014 I didn’t check in for many days and missed your post. I’m Canadian as well. I tried to PM you but was unable to do so because your profile is limited, feel free to PM me if you need someone who just understands. I went through something very similar 5-6 years ago and I remember the pain vividly.

It’s not like a regular divorce. It’s abandonment. And you are plagued with not only sudden pain but the endless questions about “why?” “What did I miss etc.” Please be gentle with yourself. I can only tell you that 6 months after it originally happened, the pain had not diminished at all. Zip. I have a close friend who was also abandoned (met her on an online support network) she’s 2 years out, and although the pain is better, she sometimes feels the need to reach out and rehash it.

You need to reach out to as many friends as you have to try and get you through it.

Sending you thoughts and prayers.
 

allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
3,261
ETA: I used to be a long time member here... so I do want to say, yes, I’m still with my husband. And though there might be judgement for that in society (I judge myself everyday), it doesn’t change that it was a horrible thing to live through. So I hope you have someone to lean on.
 

cmd2014

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 6, 2014
Messages
2,540
@cmd2014 I didn’t check in for many days and missed your post. I’m Canadian as well. I tried to PM you but was unable to do so because your profile is limited, feel free to PM me if you need someone who just understands. I went through something very similar 5-6 years ago and I remember the pain vividly.

It’s not like a regular divorce. It’s abandonment. And you are plagued with not only sudden pain but the endless questions about “why?” “What did I miss etc.” Please be gentle with yourself. I can only tell you that 6 months after it originally happened, the pain had not diminished at all. Zip. I have a close friend who was also abandoned (met her on an online support network) she’s 2 years out, and although the pain is better, she sometimes feels the need to reach out and rehash it.

You need to reach out to as many friends as you have to try and get you through it.

Sending you thoughts and prayers.
Are we able to PM here? (I know I've been gone a while...). I'd love to chat.
 

allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
3,261
Are we able to PM here? (I know I've been gone a while...). I'd love to chat.
Hi... I could have sworn we could in past If you want to visit marriage advocates, it’s online forum for divorce/ family... super helpful but not as active as when I was on but the people there were invaluable to me and many others.

I can PM you from there.. same user name... (moderators... sorry if I mentioned a website. Not sure if allowed. Would only like to be supportive)
 
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    A Perspective on Pearls- Vol. I
    A Perspective on Pearls- Vol. I
    Quarter Century Anniversary Upgrade
    Quarter Century Anniversary Upgrade
    Diamonds and the Movies – Watchlist (Part 1)
    Diamonds and the Movies – Watchlist (Part 1)

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top