Did you have a say in your ring?

[Independent Gal]

Oh what a gray and dull world it would be if we were all the same!

 

[Rabe2000]

Thanks - Picos

 

[Sha]

My FI picked out my ring, with assistance from a girl friend of his. I just told I wanted a solitaire. He knows what I like though, and we have similar tastes. I''m also not that picky about diamonds/jewellery so anything reasonably nice would''ve worked for me.

 

[AtlanticAve]

What if my lovely girlfriend wears absolutely no jewelry, has questionable taste/style (in an endearing way), and wouldn''t even know where to begin looking? Trying to judge what she''d like in passing comments result in her honestly not having a clue. Unfortunately she''s also an only child, and none of her immediate friends are married yet.

Could I pull off a gorgeous tiffany-set solitare, or would you still want to be involved?

 

[BriBee]

I would say you can''t go wrong getting a RB in a simple solitaire setting. Then, if she wishes, she can have the stone re-set into something that reflects her "endearing" style.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 9/21/2007 12:35:00 PM
Author: Rabe2000
The RING IS NOT IMPORTANT!!

No.......

The ring is not important to you.

It's important to her. Not more important than the being proposed to, and it's not the be-all, end-all.....but if you expect her to wear it every day, it is *somewhat* important.

ETA: Ok - so I see its somewhat quelled a bit, but point still relevant.

 

[DMBsGirl]

I am not engaged yet but I have given my boyfriend tons of pictures and information on what I would like for an e-ring. I''ve sent so many options that he really has tons to choose from! He never complained about this, and I think was maybe relieved that his task won''t be that hard because he has a lot of information. Many ladies on here were involved in the purchasing process and knew when the ring was bought and was in the possession of their FF. I will not be involved in any of this, which I am fine with, I don''t want to know too much.

 

[bee*]

I picked my ring with my ff in July. The proposal is a surprise though as I don''t know when he''s doing it.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 9/21/2007 12:12:23 PM
Author: musey

Date: 9/21/2007 11:55:59 AM
Author: Rabe2000
So then why does the ''MAN'' need to propose??? If it''s about life commitments with each other why wouldn’t a woman propose?? Isn’t this part ''Cave Man Like''???

The man doesn''t HAVE to. They most often PREFER to. The actual proposal, for most couples, is really a formality. They''ve already made the decision to get married at some point, thoroughly talked their future through. Most couples who go through that process also, at some point, discuss what each of them want out of the engagement. Some couples would like it to be a surprise, some not at all, some in between. It''s a matter of what matters to THAT couple.

Any woman who is COMPLETELY surprised by a proposal, or would describe it as ''out of the blue,'' is not displaying good signs for the relationship, IMO. If it is completely out of the blue, that means the couple hasn''t even gotten to the ''discussing future/marriage/plans'' stage. She doesn''t see it coming because the subject hasn''t been broached... Would that couple really be ready to get married??


If you want to surprise her, fantastic. I''m sure she''ll be thrilled. But any man who surprises his girlfriend in this way should be prepared for her to ask for a different ring, IMO. (And for her to perhaps say ''no,'' for that matter!

)

I have to say I agree with this post completely. I don''t understand the surprise element, in fact that has always scared me. Like you said, a surprise means there hasn''t been enough discussion about it. Perhaps people did that 40 years ago, I have no idea. I''ll have to ask my bf''s parents about that one. But my bf and I had a long discussion over the period of years about what we want out of life, what we want for and from each other etc etc. The proposal really will be a formality. I know what time of year it will happen, and I know the date when we will get married, and we haven''t even bought the ring yet!! Romance to me is having the house completely clean and dinner ready when I come home for work. Those are the kinds of surprises I like. But I''ve never been a chocolates and flowers kinda girl. Heck, I''m not even a jewelry kinda girl and I''m severely picky. I''m utterly grateful that I get to pick out exactly what I want. More importantly, we did it together and we both agree that we love the style and how it looks on my finger. After we''re married, we''ll haves a lifetime to have great, romantic surprises.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 9/21/2007 12:18:14 PM
Author: BriBee

Date: 9/21/2007 12:06:38 PM
Author: Rabe2000
It just seems wrong...if the ''man'' had little to no participation then in actuality all he did was pay the bill it''s not right. I was raised by all women and growing up my mom/family of all women certain values were instilled in me. I am in know way sexist but I SO For the first time in my life want that UNFORGETTABLE look on her face when I propose. And if she wants to change the ring later I DID MAKE SURE we could trade up which at that point we could do together and I would have no problem with that.

I also wanted to add that my FF and I have lived together for over 2 years, are in the process of purchasing a home, and have combined nearly all of our finances at this point. So as for him ''paying the bill'' on the ring after I have designed the whole thing...we don''t really look at it that way. We have saved together, set a budget together, and put the money aside together. So we feel that this is a joint purchase that we''re making together.

Ditto on this one as well. Been living together for 3+ years and our finances have been merged for at least 2 of them. So it''s pretty impossible for him to actually purchase it on his own. Even if he did it out of his own bank account, somewhere down the line I will pay for something else. We just don''t keep track of things like that anymore.

 

[poptart]

I gave DH input, and he was more than willing to hear it. We also decided not to do a proposal because it just wasn''t us. We are equal partners, so it was a mutual decision. But he was nice and understanding that while the engagement involved both of us, I am the one who has to wear the ring forever... which I think meant to him that I should be able to have what I really liked (the ring was something he wanted to do... I love jewelry, but I was more concerned about the wedding ring so...). Not to offend anyone, but I get really annoyed when BFs don''t want input from their girlfriends about what SHE has to wear on HER finger. It''s a big chunk of money to part with, both of you should be able to like it... but honestly I feel that her tastes would trump his because it is, essentially, a present to be given while asking for your hand in marriage (if you are going the fancy proposal route). It''s like giving your man a great, expensive TV or something and not taking into account the model that HE wants.

*M*

PS. This is coming from a girl who hates surprises. If I am going to be given something, the thought is important, but I at least want to be able to truly enjoy the gift! This is making me sound so materialistic... sheesh. I''m not really, I swear!

 

[stbfyffe]

Wow, i posted this before I left for work...i was not expecting this many responses. Thank you everyone for all your points of view...keep them coming!

 

[dec2410]

my SO and I had a number of long conversations over the course of a few weeks in regards to this. He, too wanted to make everything about the proposal to be a surprise, while I wanted a say in the ring that i''ll be wearing the rest of my life. After lots of talking and lots of tears, we decided that I show him designs that i like, and send him links to settings i want (maybe like 3 or 4) and have him choose out of the ones i sent him. that way we still have somewhat of a surprise and i have a say in what i want. he came around and noticed that he was being a little selfish in wanting the whole proposal thing to be HIS way. we compromised and now...i''m just a lady in waiting. =D

 

[yarrmatey]

Well, so far, I''ve helped my FF pick out my setting. We discussed what I liked and disliked, but I truly had no idea what I wanted until I tried on a million settings. He feels like my involvement should be done now because he doesn''t want to ruin the surprise, and I''m so frustrated! I want to help pick my stone too!

His view is, if I help pick the stone I will know (generally) when he is buying it, and if I know when he''s buying it, I will know vaguely when he will be proposing, and he wants it to be a total surprise. I understand his point, if I knew there was a ring sitting in our house just waiting... I would lose my mind.

Still doesn''t change the fact I wish I could be MORE involved!

 

[whenharrymetsally]

I think i agree that everybody different...but in our case, we chose the stone and setting together. He figured i have to wear it the rest of my life so he wanted me to have something that i would really love. (i probably would have loved a little string on my finger anyways)..but it was very special that we got to do this together and to be perfectly honest it did not take away from element of surprise for the proposal whatsoever. He waited almost 5 months to propose and when he completely caught me off guard and floored me with the proposal. He actually has the proposal on video and all you can see is my mouth gaping open and not able to say a word. I think the "yes i will marry you" came out in squeaks...

 

[KimberlyH]

I say to each his/her own...but we picked my rings and center stone out together...it was such an amazing experience and so funny that we agreed on each piece. Now if I could just get him to agree that I need a duplicate wedding band for stacking.

 

[Gwyn]

I also had everything to do with my ring.

I picked out the stone and then the two of us went to the setting place and designed the setting. He picked the finished ring up when it was finished and planned a surprise propsal a couple weeks later.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE everything about my ring and do not think the proposal was any less special

 

[princesss]

I *wish* I could have a say. At this point (a few years from any possible proposal) he''s stuck on the surprise idea. I''m less than thrilled, but we''ve come up with a middle ground that works for us (but doesn''t mean I won''t still be pushing for a "less than major" surprise. I want a say in my ring, dangit!). As it sounds now the agreement is that while I don''t get to pick the ring, I get a say in the vendors (WF and/or ERD, of course) and he knows about PS and what my name is on here. This way he can see what I comment on and which rings I love by searching my posts. From there we''re both confident that he could pick out something I''ll love. Plus, when I go play at jewelry stores (which I do from time to time) if I try on something that I love that I didn''t expect to like, I tell him. For example, I tried on an oval the other day that surprised me since I''ve never liked them before, but it was stunning and looked oh-so-perfect on my hand. He knows that I don''t want to get engaged soon, so he gets information without feeling like I''m shoving it down his throat and saying "Propose now, please."

That said, with us a surprise wouldn''t mean that we don''t talk about marriage beforehand. It would just mean that after we''ve agreed we''re going to get married he would decide when/how the engagement happens.

 

[zoebartlett]

My FI and I looked at so many different places but in the end, I knew that I wanted either Knox Jewelers or Whiteflash to make my ring. WF won out and I love my ring! It would have been great to have my FI do all the research and then choose a ring himself but he wasn''t interested in doing all the leg work. I was very much interested in researching diamonds and settings, and that''s how I found PS. I knew exactly what the ring would look like before my FI proposed. The only thing my FI insisted on was that the final images from WF (before the ring was shipped here) were not shown to me. Other than that, I was involved in the whole process. It didn''t take away from the romance of it all.

 

[jakesgirl2]

I had NO say in my ring... My FI knew what I wanted as I had a folder on my desktop with all the rings I loved... BUT they were not in our budget. He used them as guidance but I had no say. I LOVE the ring I got in the end though because FI picked it out 100% and it was in our budget and he put a TON of extra effort into the proposal because he knew that it was not one in the "folder". He did promise me my dream ring on our one year wedding anniversary if I could part with the e-ring I have now... (I am attached now though.... maybe same stone new setting and put another stone in original setting....)

 

[ice_princess]

I really think you should have a say in it in you want to, after all, YOU are the one who will be wearing it for years and years so it should be your choice.
Of course there are girls who would rather have it as a surprise and that''s fine if that''s what they want but if you want to choose the ring you should be able to. Just choose it and have him keep it until he proposes so that he can still preserve the whole surprise thing. Or another option is to pick out the stone together to make sure you get the shape you want and then he can choose a setting? That way the ring is still a surprise but you have the shape you want...

It''s a very american thing to have a surprise ring

, in england they tend to pick the ring together after the man proposed....there''s no right or wrong here, you should decide what is best for the 2 of you but just don''t give in if you really want to choose it.
I''ve seen quite a few posts on PS where the bf picked the ring and the girl was unhappy so they changed it after a few months because the girls didn''t like the shape of the diamond etc. He has to understand that you are the one who will be wearing it.....

 

[redfaerythinker]

A friend of mine sent me a link to the knot''s engagement ring finder (she wanted help finding something similar to a ring from Jerrods). Well I decided to peruse for myself and found a couple three stone rings and put them in my favorites. I was showing the sight to my bf and he pointed immediately to my favorite ring. So I just lucked out in having a say I think, although i''m pretty sure he would have given me what I wanted as he always has in the past.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

I was already *engaged* before my husband proposed, but at the time, I didn''t have anything to do with the design of the ring beyond "I like Asschers".

My husband, being a digital artist, had already rendered a CAD image of several rings, and months before, when he designed a metal halo Asscher ring with a bevel and a pipe cut shank, I knew that was what I was hoping he would end up having made for me.

I ended up with it, so I only had approval of it, even though I had no idea of what he was desiging, and kept teasing me about a poorly cut pear on a gold shank ala Carrie Bradshaw.

 

[myolsiemse]

well shes picking it out, i mean its her ring shes wearing it for ever not me so why not let her pick out her ring? we have started looking (shes exited!!) and well theres one rule, with what ever jeweler we go to they cant say the how much the ring is becasue if she finds the ring of her dreams, but sees the price she may feel guilty for wanting thta ring, i want to make her happy so by not saying the price i can see what she really wants and i cant make her happy, we also choose a center stone together its a 2.03 ct royal asscher Vs1 H color 7x7 with 5.6 depth amazing stone! so now im making her wait...but yea shes got all control over her ring since shes wearing it the rest of her life not me...so why not...

 

[mimzy]

when i started looking at rings, i found that there was only one very particular style that i really loved (emerald cut with halo). I had shown my bf all sorts of versions of it, but he found his own version and chose that without me knowing and he isn''t letting me have any say in the center stone (which doesn''t bother me...except he is pickier than i am!). I guess I thought it was a nice balance of letting me have a say in it (otherwise I probably wouldnt'' have liked it very much since my taste was so particular), and giving him the space to make the decisions he wanted to make as a gift for me.

i should also say that he didn''t like the style of ring originally...he thought a round solitaire three stone or something would be nice, and I, obviously, wanted something totally different than that. He hated the EC and thought halos were old womanish looking...but after seeing a few in person he came around and i think that he actually really likes the ring himself! Either way, i appreciate beyond belief that he is getting me the style of ring that i will be ecstatic to wear (for more reasons than one)!

 

[Aloros]

Yep. I inherited my grandmother''s engagement ring, and I told him that I wanted to use it as my engagement ring. He was about to start ring shopping, so it worked out well.

Now I''m just waiting...

 

[kev1234]

Here''s my perspective as a guy:

I wonder how many bfs out there were so happy to let the ladies pick out their ring out of true love and desire for her to find that perfect ring, and how many were just scared to put the time and effort into learning about diamonds, jewelry, her likes/dislikes, and style. It''s easy to hand over the reigns to her and say "get whatever you want, dear." I have to think that the ring means more when the guy has sacrificed his time (yes, we DO go to B&Ms on our free time) to educate himself and pick out the perfect ring.

Any guy who says he wants to get a round when his gf wants a pear obviously doesn''t care about what she wants. so yes, that guy is a moron.

rabe, are we even allowed in this forum?

 

[kev1234]

How about a compromise:

we pick out the setting together, and i''ll pick out the diamond (and yes, you can pick out the shape)

 

[amy_dub]

Well, I''m not engaged yet, but I wish I were! I always said I wanted NOTHING to do with it whatsoever (other than insisting it NOT be yellow gold or silver), but as time has passed i''ve become more and more anxious. My BF has of course mentioned things in passing, about other people''s rings and whatnot, I think to try to get some ideas out of me. I did at one time want a princess cut, he wanted RB. He said he wasn''t sure what he liked so i just said "Well, why don''t we go try some on and you can see how they look on my finger so you can get a better idea." Truly I just wanted to try some rings on! He was like "Really? You''d do that?" Well, DUH!! What girl wouldn''t want to try rings on??

So we went and tried rings on, and that''s when i realized I didn''t like a princess cut anymore! He wanted just a simple Solitare, but when I tried it on, I didn''t like it. It was just too simple and plain for me. I voiced this opinion when it was on my hand, and he agreed. I''m so glad we went because I might have ended up with ring I wouldn''t have liked! We didn''t really pick anything out because I''ve had my heart set on a Tiffany Novo since it''s debut... so I''m hoping to get to visit Tiffany''s a try one on...

If I do end up with this ring (which i won''t know about until he does pop the question, I don''t think it''ll take any of the suspense or excitement away, especially since it is the ring i''ve wanted.

I don''t think it''s wrong it to voice something such as "I really don''t like channel settings" or "I don''t like yellow gold" I mean, this is YOUR ring, YOU are the one wearing it.. you should at least be able to request that it not be something you hate. That''s just my 2 cents

 

[musey]

Date: 10/1/2007 7:32:34 PM
Author: kev1234
How about a compromise:

we pick out the setting together, and i''ll pick out the diamond (and yes, you can pick out the shape)

I think that''s exactly what 99.9% of us are advocating. No one is really saying the guy shouldn''t be involved beyond his checkbook. The point is that the woman should have a SAY if she wants to.