Did you have a say in your ring?

[aljdewey]

Date: 9/21/2007 10:57:05 AM
Author: Rabe2000

Ladies please let your future husbands do the work if you have all the knowledge by all means steer him I the right direction but in the end isn’t that what a proposal is all about when did that change???

Honestly, Rabe.....no, that's not what a proposal is all about. At least not to me.

A proposal isn't about how well one pulls off a surprise. A proposal is about asking her to marry you, and it's about honoring what's important to HER.

Some gals want the surprise, and they're perfectly happy to let someone else pick. Great....for those gals, absolutely go for the surprise.

But not all girls are the same. I'm firmly in the "no, I don't care about being surprised" group. I'd rather us pick something together that we both like.

These days, most parties have several discussions about marriage together much before the proposal, so how much of a surprise do you think it really is? Not much, to be truthful.

I think the truth is that most men see it as some badge of honor or test on how well he can pick the ring without help, as though it's some proof of how well you know each other. And I personally think it's kinda silly.

I'm not quite sure when guys got the sense that all women wanted 'the magical surprise proposal', but I can tell you from being here on PS for several years that it's a myth. Most women would prefer to have input.

And....it's still possible to have a 'surprise proposal' even if she helps pick the ring. The surprise is in the 'how/when will he propose' instead of in the 'if he will propose'.

 

[onedrop]

RABE: I think you are trying to translate what YOU feel should happen as far as a proposal, to what EVERY COUPLE should feel as far as a proposal. Which is why you can''t see beyond the fact that in your mind the proposal and ring should be a surprise. Bottom line....each couple should do what works for them.

 

[Independent Gal]

(Quick threadjack: Onedrop, I loooove your new avatar. It''s beautiful and ridiculously romantic.)

 

[Rabe2000]

This is the worst part of this web site I am SOOO glad my GF didnt find this b4 me. WOW

I saw a guy on Rachel Ray the other day he planned a whole Wedding including picking her dress out with the help of her sister...She loved it!

 

[Rabe2000]

The RING IS NOT IMPORTANT!!

 

[lsyama]

Date: 9/21/2007 12:13:38 PM
Author: decodelighted

A proposal is pretty silly isn''t it if two people have ALREADY agreed to get married.

I agree with this 100% !
A couple of my guy friends proposed without first agreeing to get married, and they ended up breaking up! And in both cases, the girl talked about wanting to get married and even got into the details of the perfect house and how many kids... but she didn''t explicitly say that she wanted to marry my friend! It''s one thing to want to get married to someone at some point, but another matter entirely to be ready to marry the one you''re with right now!

So I guess I don''t know how to resolve the difference between practical and dream-world. As previously stated, I blame media for putting these ideas in my head

And I did actually pay for a part of my ring. I don''t think it really matters if you''re getting married anyway - joint financial decisions and all.

 

[onedrop]

Independent Gal: THANK YOU! It's one my favorites from the wedding! Now back to our regular programming....

 

[BriBee]

style="WIDTH: 96.58%; HEIGHT: 86px">Date: 9/21/2007 12:38:57 PM
Author: lsyama

And I did actually pay for a part of my ring. I don''t think it really matters if you''re getting married anyway - joint financial decisions and all.

I''m right there with you on this one!

 

[decodelighted]

We ladies always mess up a sure thing ... what with our INDIVIDUALITY and our OWN IDEAS and our ABILITY TO OPERATE COMPUTERS.

 

[BriBee]

Date: 9/21/2007 12:33:25 PM
Author: Rabe2000
This is the worst part of this web site I am SOOO glad my GF didnt find this b4 me. WOW

I saw a guy on Rachel Ray the other day he planned a whole Wedding including picking her dress out with the help of her sister...She loved it!

I think this case is the major exception to how most women would want their wedding. Isn''t a wedding supposed to be something that a couple plans TOGETHER? Seeing as how it''s supposed to symbolize two people bringing their lives together, I would think it should be a joint effort.

 

[BriBee]

Date: 9/21/2007 12:43:45 PM
Author: decodelighted
We ladies always mess up a sure thing ... what with our INDIVIDUALITY and our OWN IDEAS and our ABILITY TO OPERATE COMPUTERS.

LMAO!!!!

I wouldn''t be surprised if GF already found the site!

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, again, it depends on the girl. If my guy planned the whole wedding I wouldn't even marry him. I hate surprises of any sort. That would just be beyond too much. Plus, the psychological work of preparing to be a wife, of forming a new family and loosening ties with a birth family is something that takes time and concentration. If someone sprung a whole new identity on me as a surprise, I'd be shocked, distressed. But some women, if they have already done this adjustment, or if they're not conscious of what being engaged and getting married really MEANS, might love this! Each to their own!

Every couple is different. If your girl wants a surprise proposal, she should have one absolutely! And it's wonderful if you want to do that for her. I think that's what most of us are saying. It's what each couple wants. Freedom and choice hurray! Do what your girl would love.

The marriage is what's most important, of course. The wedding and the ring are only as important as the couple feels them to be. That is up to each couple. To me the ring was important as a tangible symbol of our commitment to each other. Stylistically it was important because I will wear it every day for all the days of my life. Obviously, he wanted me to feel joy in the beauty of the object in that case. If I looked down and found it ugly, then I would still love its symbolism, but why not have the joy of the beauty of it too? But because of its symbolic function, and our priorities, he didn't spend a fortune on it. Much less than that whole 'two months salary' thingy. Its symbolism isn't connected to money.

The wedding is important to him. More so than to me. But we both know that the marriage is far and away what's most important, and we talk far more about that as we prepare for our wedding day, then about flowers or dresses or rings or anything else. We talk about our children (if we are blessed with them) and about our future home. We talk about how we would handle this or that.

We know the rest is gravy.

But symbols, if you feel the full weight of them, are very powerful things. I am glad I have this symbol on my hand, both because of its beauty and the pleasure that gives me, and because of its symbolic power - our promise to meet each on March 29 and become husband and wife.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/21/2007 12:47:28 PM
Author: BriBee

Date: 9/21/2007 12:33:25 PM
Author: Rabe2000
I saw a guy on Rachel Ray the other day he planned a whole Wedding including picking her dress out with the help of her sister...She loved it!

I think this case is the major exception to how most women would want their wedding.

ACTUALLY -- I''d bet good $$ that "happiness" was 100% FAKE ... because she was on TV ... and stunned. Love to be a fly on the wall in THAT house, say, a week from now ... when it ALL SINKS IN ...

 

[Rabe2000]

Well thank you ladies I have learned some stuff today...I truly guess I would blame it on TV and movies as. This web site was the first place in which I realized how much women need to be in control on now even selecting an engagement ring. We have truly taken the symbol of a man going through all the trouble of research etc. and have turned it into a fashion showcase. This web site is great for informative information on diamonds and research for vendors; however why would there even be a need for the "MEN" to have a forum named "Proposal Ideas"??? If you have a BF which gives you "90%" say in picking a ring and he does not mind it truly shows what class of a man he is and he would rather have it off of his plate honestly how cool is that??

If my GF wanted to buy me a Neck Tie even though I WAS going to be the one to wear it I would rather not be involved with the decision.

 

[Independent Gal]

How cool is that? A man who is willing to make decisions jointly, and allow his partner a great deal of input on a decision (the ring that is) that affects her primarily? I would say, that is 100% cool.

 

[Rabe2000]

Independent Gal - I like your Style

Ladies I just wanted to cause some static I truly understand!! LOL

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/21/2007 12:54:31 PM
Author: Rabe2000
If you have a BF which gives you '90%' say in picking a ring and he does not mind it truly shows what class of a man he is and he would rather have it off of his plate honestly how cool is that??

You're SO open-minded, aren't you? According to you the "class of man" who is ABLE to put his lady's desires before his own is just LAZY.

Good luck with that partnership thing! Are you gonna "surprise" her with a HOUSE and a CAR and PETS too?

 

[Rabe2000]

Alright I understand I beg for mercy.

I am truly out numbered here.

 

[onedrop]

Rabe: Clearly you love your GF and want this proposal to be memorable for her! And kinda like the fact that you like to cause static. We need a good discussion around here once in a while.

ETA: Not EVEN responding to your "class" of man comment...Deco handled that one splendidly.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/21/2007 1:07:42 PM
Author: Rabe2000
Alright I understand I beg for mercy.

Good.

Now I''ll tell you that I think the ring *you* picked out is phenomenal and any girl would be KKKRAZIE not to love it!

 

[Rabe2000]

Decodelighted - Thank you!! I LOVE THIS SITE. I am addicted.

 

[onedrop]

RABE: I just saw your new thread in LIW forum! Nice.

 

[Rabe2000]

Onedrop - Is it really nice or are you just saying that?? I though it was a good idea.

 

[onedrop]

Rabe I''ll let you decide. Surprise me!!

 

[leoslove730]

I have absolutely no say in choosing the ring - but I kinda like it that way. To me, personally, it would mean so much more having FF pick it out on his own and surprise me with it. I only wanna do this once (hopefully) so I want the whole thing to be out-of-this-world.

I just wish that I didn''t have LIW anxiety!

 

[BriBee]

stbfyffe - I bet you never thought your question would spark such a heated converstaion

 

[Rabe2000]

OMG I am at work cracking up thanks Ladies!! I love this site.

 

[Mara]

for me my husband loves when i tell him what i want for things like bday or xmas or whatever. the ring was not really any different. that way he didn''t need to guess on what i wanted or liked and on such a big thing too. i was pretty involved, did most of the research for him and just kind of showed him final contenders, things i really loved, things i''d tried on etc. we built/designed the ring together..found the stone together etc. after that he took over and did everything and then proposed when it was ready. sometimes i wish i hadn''t been AS involved because it took a little of the surprise element out of it, but on the other hand i got something i really wanted and we had the experience of doing it together and collaborating. which was really fun!

 

[poshpepper]

I'm late to this entertaining thread but just wanted to say that I picked my own ring. This is actually how my FI wanted it... he didn't want to get me something I wasn't going to like. I didn't mind that the "surprise" was taken out of the proposal since we had already discussed getting engaged/married.
I don't think there is one right way to do it, you have to work it out among yourselves as a couple and come to a mutual agreement on how to handle it. If the guy wants it to be a surprise then more power to him, but he should also be prepared for the woman not to love the ring he selected... and in the reverse if the woman wants to pick the ring herself and has specific ideas and such she should be prepared to chip in for anything above his budget (or just work really hard to stay in the budget

)

Yay for an entertaining thread!

 

[Picos]

I didn''t pick out my ring (unlike most it seems).

I had told the fiance what I liked; the ring & the proposal were a complete and utter surprise. I liked it like that because I like surprises. We had talked about getting married long before so it''s not one of those "out of the blue". I love my ring; fiance did a very good job at listening.

If my fiance planned the whole wedding as a surprise one day I''d be giddier than a school girl in summer! Seriously, I''d love it.