Depressed -- fiance''s brother just engaged and announced plans to marry a couple months before us

[ellewoods]

Hello everyone.

I''ve been absent for a while, but I hope some of you remember me. To give you some background, I got engaged this past May to a wonderful man who I dated for over 7 years. We met in college but then both attended grad schools in different states across the country (as long distance as possible without leaving the USA!). Being far apart for several years and focusing on our schooling was why we could not get engaged sooner. It was hard at times, and we went through a lot, but in May I finally moved back to our home state and we got engaged.

We are both extremely happy, living together and we both have jobs we really enjoy and value. I am almost 28, he is almost 30.

We decided to plan a destination wedding in Mexico for October 2007, with probably around 80-100 guests.

So here''s the problem. My fiance''s brother got engaged to his girlfriend last weekend. He is my age -- almost 28. She is 29. They''ve been dating for about 2.5 years. I am very close to my fiance''s brother because I went to college with him and my fiance. I''ve known him and been close friends with him for over 7 years.

His now-fiance is a decent person, but she is obsessed with getting married, having babies ASAP so she doesn''t have to work (her statements), and keeping up with the Jones''s. She has made many comments to me over the last couple of years about being desperate to get married and have children before she''s 30. She turns 30 in September 2007.

Her first comment when my fiance and I got engaged was to the effect of, "Well I''ve always dreamed of getting married in the summer. I absolutely have to get married in the summer. And I can''t get married any other time. And there''s no way I''m waiting until summer 2008. So I''m getting married in summer 2007 no matter what." My annoyance -- she was NOT engaged yet. Not even close. And she was saying these things and being irrational and acting like a entitled, selfish witch, and it was the first time we''d seen my fiance''s family after the engagement -- at a large family gathering, and she had to damper our happy news because she was sad she wasn''t engaged yet. At that time I even had talks with my fiance''s brother about how he wasn''t ready to get married and that she was placing tons of pressure on him to propose and he didn''t know what to do.

So fast forward to yesterday -- my fiance''s brother called my fiance to give him some news -- the brother and his fiance decided that they are planning on getting married in August 2007 (2 months before us).

At first I was bummed, but tried to tell myself it wasn''t a big deal and it didn''t matter. But I have been so upset about this, I realize it does matter to me, and I am not OK with it. My fiance is not happy either.

I just feel like she is being totally inconsiderate of our plans and our feelings. This is the first wedding in their family, and my fiance is the oldest. Being the oldest doesn''t give anyone the right to dictate other sibling''s wedding plans, but in this case, we''ve been together a long time, we got engaged first, and we set a date already. But the fiance (I will call her W), W is demanding that she gets married first, before us, close to when we are getting married, so that everything from here on out will be jumbled and confused.

I know if the situation were reversed, and they got engaged first, but then we got engaged several months later and announced we were getting married before them -- she would flip out. She would be upset, she would think we were selfish. She would be extremely upset. But yet she doesn''t care that she''s making us feel like that. If they had gotten engaged first, I would never even think of trying to jump in front of them and get married before them.

I know she''s had a pre-destined timeline of when she wanted to get married (and it was years ago, even before she met my fiance''s brother). And I know that her age is an extremely sensitive issue with her -- she is desperate to get married before she turns 30 (September 2007). I think that''s ridiculous, personally. It''s no matter what age you are, you''re not a failure because you got married older than your 20s.

But in any case, I am extremely depressed about the whole situation. I am the farthest thing ever from a Bridezilla, but I just think it is very important for the 2 brothers to have seperate, special, distinct wedding celebrations. In our case, there will be many family, family friends, and college friends that are invited to both weddings. Some may be kind enough to come to both, but some may not be able to attend 2 out of town weddings so close together. Then there''s things like engagement parties, showers, and all of those events. We hsave 2 engagement parties being planned for us but now the dates clash with whatever brother + fiance are going to do.

We''ve thought about moving our wedding up to spring 2007, but its not enough notice to guests to plan for a wedding out of the country, and we also can''t afford it that soon. We also thought of moving our wedding up by a month or two, but those are the worst times to go to our destination in Mexico in terms of weather -- extremely hot and humid and guests would be miserable or not come.

I would really appreciate any thoughts, whether you agree with me or not. I am still trying to be rational, see their side of things, etc. But if it''s not that big of a deal for people to get married around the same time....well why can''t they wait until after we get married? What''s the big deal in waiting? Why does she insist on upstaging our wedding? Grr.

Thanks for any thoughts.

 

[firebirdgold]

Man I''d be totally furious!! What a female dog! The girl needs some serious therapy.

I don''t think it''s going to end up being a huge problem. Somehow I think the odds of them actually making it to the wedding aren''t exactly high.

 

[diamondfan]

I think you have a right to be bummed. And, I think it might be important for your guy to level with his brother and tell them this is not cool and cannot happen. You got engaged first and set your date and I think it is pretty tacky for them to try to beat you to the punch. Sporry I cannot be more helpful, but I would be upset too, and this is just not right. What does his mom say about it, if anything?

 

[flutterby]

I would definately be upset, furious. But really, you have already started planning your wedding, and people are making plans to attend your destination wedding. You just need to try not to compete and be glad that the weddings arent in the same church/same reception hall. Yours is unique and a getaway everyone is looking forward to!

I cant begin to tell you how i relate (my little brother met a girl a month after I was engaged, then married her two months later!). I was furious at first, then just realized it wasnt a competition. He had a small wedding back home and I had a bigger wedding at the four seasons in vegas. (not that we are competing, but i won

)

So as frustrated as you are, you will be in her life from here on it. She will probably have the first grandchildren too..... but really, 20 years from now no one will remember who did what when. Just focus on making your wedding, and your LIFE as beautiful as possible and dont let her insensitivity ruin your wedding planning!

 

[ellewoods]

Thank you so much for the kind replies.

I really am trying to be the bigger person, take the high road, see that it''s not the end of the world. But it''s really hard to do, and everytime I think about it I get more upset. I''m definitely the type of person who looks after others more than I look after myself, and I often give people too much of the benefit of the doubt -- I am a forever optimist who tries to see the good in people. But I just realize in this situation, the brother''s fiance doesn''t give a damn about anyone else but herself. And the brother is being dictated by her. And she doesn''t even know what the golden rule is, let alone try to follow it.

I''ve talked to their mom briefly. She really doesn''t want to get involved, of course. She says she loves all 4 of us and thinks the best thing to do is compromise so we can save relationships and hopefully everyone can end up somewhat happy. She has suggested that if we want to get married first, we move our wedding up to the spring, like May, so they can get married in August. Or we keep our October date, and accept that they''ll get married in August. I don''t really see any compromise there (they get exactly what they want, while we have to change everything or deal with being sloppy seconds wedding).

My fiance and his brother have a younger sister -- and she definitely sides with me and my fiance. She thinks its really selfish of younger brother''s fiance to just make demands about wedding dates without even taking into consideration their family and family friends and how the 2 weddings can be done with so much mutal input and participation. She also thinks that it is wrong and mean of younger brother''s fiance to act so entitled to have her wedding before ours, and disregard anyone else''s plans or wants besides hers.

My sister thinks younger brother''s fiance is a complete selfish witch, and she''s trying to make me feel better about the situation. But she thinks in the end, even if they go through with having their wedding first, ours will be better and we will "win" -- although that''s not even what I want. I just want to have ours first, like planned, and then we can turn the focus off of us and onto them for their own, seperate celebration.

I was extremely appreciative and proud of my fiance today -- he talked to his brother and was very civil and logical but also firm in stating that we both were upset that they were planning on getting married first and that he was worried it could cause deep problems in the long run. He explained that he was trying to be open and look at things from their side, but that we both tried to be open to the idea when we heard it last night, but that I ended up in tears and that he didn''t feel good about it either. My fiance''s brother called me and left a message, he wants to talk to me about it. I do appreciate he cares enough to try and talk to me directly, but I can''t change how I feel. I spent several hours agonizing over an email I wrote him earlier, and finally sent it tonight, just simply explaining how I feel and not being mean or vindictive, just saying I was hurt and dissapointed and didn''t know what the best solution is, but I want him to be happy, and us to be happy, and us to both have seperate, special weddings.

We''ll see how things go tomorrow.

 

[E B]

Elle,

Are they planning a destination wedding too?

 

[firebirdgold]

grrr. I totally understand too, since both of our sisters got married this summer. But everyone made an effort not to disrupt anyone else''s special time so it all worked out. Which makes this selfish and grasping behaviour even more annoying in my eyes. When I think of how worried I was that my fi''s sister would feel like I was trying to horn in on her engagement.

Seriously, friends and family will be able to recongize this for what it is. You''ve got your date, people are already thinking about coming to yours.... wether or not her and your fbil wedding is temporally ahead of yours, your wedding will still have priority in other people''s mind.

How does your fi feel about this?

 

[firebirdgold]

Cross posting

I'm glad your fi is standing with you on this. I'm so sorry for all the pain that selfish wench (and your spineless fbil) is putting you through.

On the other hand there could be a silver lining somewhere. Our sisters already did the big parties with all the far-flung relatives and friends showing up, and we also thought that the extended family wouldn't then come to ours. So our siblings 'scooping' us lead us to decide on basically eloping with our parents and siblings to Hawaii, which we couldn't be happier about. I'm sure something good will come out of this for you and your fi even if it's not apparent right now.

Oh, and I really wouldn't count out the relatives just yet from attending both. Fi and I were (unpleasantly) surprised at how... enthused our extended families and friends were over coming to our wedding, even in Hawaii.

 

[VRBeauty]

First of all, **hugs**. I can imagine what a blow this must have been, in spite of what I''m about to write...

About 15 years ago two of my brothers got married in May and August of the same year. The older brother''s wedding was in May -- it was about 9 months in the planning (though no-one was quite as "into" the planning as most of the brides here!). My younger brother and his bride announced their wedding somewhere in the planning period for the May wedding.

I am sorry to admit that there was some resentment towards my younger brother''s fiancee (not my brother, of course!) for planning her wedding in the same summer as my older brother. (There were other issues that contributed). That dissipated by the time the wedding rolled around however, and it didn''t stop us from helping with and participating in festivities for the second wedding. In fact, my younger brother was quite a bit younger and just starting out financially. We all contributed a bit - the older brother and his new wife contributed the DJ for the reception! Looking back on it now having the weddings so close together wasn''t a big deal, and I can see how it really would have been harder for my younger brother and his fiancee to wait too much longer for their wedding. The two weddings were very different and each was memorable in its own ways.

I can totally understand your frustration and depression over this. But while it seems very important now, it won''t matter much in the long run. In the long run it will be the quality of the marriages that count -- unless you let this color your relationship with your future sister-in-law.

Just because your FSIL is intent on keeping up with the Joneses, it doesn''t mean that you have to buy into some sort of competition. You can be the bigger person here (in terms of emotional maturity, that is) as I''m sure you are. I assume you were planning to get out save-the date information early anyway because of the planning involved in a destination wedding

! Aside from that just try to ignore what''s happening in her wedding planning world as much as possible, try to identify conflicts early and work out compromises where possible, and come here to vent when necessary!

 

[jas]

Elle...you have every right to be upset, and I appreciate how you are trying to be so considerate, even in your posting.

Think of it this way -- if you "go" first, wouldn''t W be awfully tempted to not only "keep up with the EllewoodsJonese" but turn it into a faboo wedding contest?

Ack. Pour me a saucer of milk, please, and I''ll be on my way.

XO,
Jackie

P.S. OF COURSE we remember you!

 

[ephemery1]

Hmmm... just to add another point of view... in a lot of ways I do understand your FSIL's thinking. I think the situation would be much different if she were hung up on the idea of getting married FIRST... but it sounds like she is mostly just hung up on the idea of getting married before age 30 (September 2007). In her ideal world, her fiance probably would have proposed before yours, she could have scheduled the wedding for August, just as planned... and no hurt feelings. Unfortunately (for her) yours proposed first... and when faced with that kink in her plan, she decided to just go ahead with what she had in mind anyway... assuming you'd understand and be okay with it.

I'm not a firm believer in the logic behind "he who gets engaged first, should get married first"... I think there are a lot of other factors at play, including how long people have been together, when they had originally planned for the wedding (even before engagement), age, schedules, etc. Obviously, some of those factors work in your favor... but some work in hers, too. In all honesty, I think it's unreasonable to "reserve" a wedding season (as much as I would have liked to, since we're in the midst of 10 other weddings next year!) at this point in our lives and expect everyone to comply.

I disagree with her thinking that the age of 30 is a cut-off date, but I'm also not her (and not 30) so I REALLY hesitate to judge her on that. Bottomline... I do understand your disappointment at not being "first", but I think at this point it is inevitable, and you may have to move past that and focus on the excitement and fun that is YOUR wedding... and not worry about hers. Ya know? Just my early-morning two cents!

ETA - One of FI's best friends got engaged recently (about 2 months after us) after dating this girl for a year. Then they proceeded to plan their wedding for TWO WEEKS ahead of ours. TWO WEEKS. After ALL their other friends carefully spaced out their weddings next year so we'd have at least 2 months between each. But they won't even be back from their honeymoon for ours?! I was so freaking annoyed... so I do understand how you feel, I promise!

 

[Larissa]

I personally wouldn''t worry about it. With you having more time to plan than her, your wedding has the possibility of being better organized and more thought out.

But even that isn''t an issue. Life is not a competition. If she''s chosing to treat it as such, simply do not engage. People will be excited for you no matter when you get married. And a wedding is one day. You get one day. Not an entire summer. If they want to plan their wedding for earlier in the summer simply congratulate them and move on. Focus on yourself. You''ll be happier in the long run.

This coming from the chick with the longest engagement, littlest budget, and smallest ring of my 3 friends who just got married. I got engaged and watched them date a shorter time than me, get engaged, plan to marry one month before me, and have HUGE budgets...and my partner lived 5000 miles out of the country so we barely got to see each other during our engagement. Life isn''t fair. Be happy and get over *HER* issues. Dont''t make them your issues.

 

[JCJD]

Here''s what I''d do if I were you: Plan your wedding just as you originally intended. Let her do whatever she wants, because she still won''t be really happy. And hold your F-BIL''s hand when he wakes up someday to her manipulative selfish ways, cause she''s probably not going to change anytime soon.

It seems like you and your FH have a good solid relationship together, and your wedding will truly be a celebration of your love, past, present and future. Theirs, since she''s being so petty, will be a race to the altar and a self-indulgent affair. Be the bigger person, have your dream wedding, and don''t let her jealousy and manipulation get the better of you or your big day. That way, YOU''ll win, by understanding and living what''s important in life.


Think about these situations: I have a high school friend who got engaged their senior year of college and got married about 4 months later. She''s ALWAYS wanted a short engagement, before she even met her DH. She ended up getting married a few months before her older brother, who was in a year-long engagement with his fiancee. It wasn''t about winning for her, it was being true to herself and her family understood it, and there weren''t any hurt feelings there. I also have a dear friend (my personal attendant) who also ALWAYS wanted a 3-month engagement. She got married about a month before one of her best friends, who was planning an 8 month engagement. Again, they both knew each others'' motivations and desires, so absolutely no hurt feelings. I think if this was your situation, you wouldn''t feel as hurt as you do. However, you know her motivations are less than pure, which is why it''s getting to you. Recognize that and get on with your life girl!

 

[dani13]

Hi Elle,

Honestly, (and I know this is easier said than done), I would try my best to let it go right now. Agonizing over things you can't control is a true waste of energy, ya know? This girl seems like she has a lot of issues that really have to do with her selfish, narcissistic nature- I bet you she hasn't really thought once about their infringement upon you and your FI's wedding plans. Because she just DOESN'T think that way. She thinks about HERSELF and HER FEELINGS.

You being the opposite (like me) tend to make decisions (and sometimes it goes against us) based on other peoples feelings- I am always making sure that I don't offend or upset anyone with anything I say or do...so, I can totally understand how you feel. But just because you and I are like that, doesn't mean that we should expect other people to be the same- and I am just trying to be devil's advocate here. You have come/and will come into contact with many people during your lifetime that are just plain inconsiderate-and most of the time, they are unaware-its just their inborn behavior to act that way.

So what do you do? My advice is do nothing. This is all very fresh, but give it a few days-time always helps everything. It will sink in. Don't worry-you will both have your two separate events- you are having a fun dw, and they are getting married locally, right? So, it will definitely feel separate- I wouldn't worry about that. Just keep planning, and enjoy it. You will only do this once, so don't let this girl ruin it for you. Its just not worth it...

Good luck!

 

[jaz464]

I also don''t really think that because a couple gets engaged first or dated longer that they should be entitled to be married first. 2 months is a good amount of time between weddings. It''s not like its 2 weeks or 2 days. I don''t think it is a big deal to be honest. Your wedding will be just as special even if they do get married 2 months earlier. It is only one day in your life and the focus should be on the marriage anyway. I would let it go. Your wedding day is about you and your fiance, not about your FSIL and when her wedding took place. Actually, going second gives you the advantage because she will not go out of her way to upstage you.

 

[FireGoddess]

Having had a VERY similar situation happen to me, I disagree with Jazmine. Two months is too close if you''ve EVER had this happen to you.

I got engaged in November and decided on a wedding in September the following year. Everyone knew about it, since most of my friends and family would have to travel cross country to come to the wedding. My best friend then got engaged the next February (3 months after I did) and set her wedding date for that JULY (5 months from then and 2 months before my wedding) for the same reason as your FSIL...(want to have it in the summer, outside blablabla). I was SO hurt and SO angry. We might not be related, like your FI and your FBIL, but we knew most of the same people and they were NOT going to fly out for 2 weddings in the same place within 2 months of each other. This is what made me furious...that I planned my wedding first and now some of my guests might not come because HERS was essentially ''competing'' with mine for guests that could only afford to fly across the country once during that time. VERY inconsiderate. My friend told me she didn''t care if people didn''t come to her wedding since it was short notice. I know she wasn''t doing it to compete or be malicious. But it was upsetting, so I know EXACTLY how you feel.

Getting your feelings out in the open is the best way to deal with this. After all, most of the attendees on your FI''s side will be common to both weddings. That''s not very nice of your future in-laws.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 9/27/2006 8:11:00 AM
Author: ephemery1
Hmmm... just to add another point of view... in a lot of ways I do understand your FSIL''s thinking. I think the situation would be much different if she were hung up on the idea of getting married FIRST... but it sounds like she is mostly just hung up on the idea of getting married before age 30 (September 2007). In her ideal world, her fiance probably would have proposed before yours, she could have scheduled the wedding for August, just as planned... and no hurt feelings. Unfortunately (for her) yours proposed first... and when faced with that kink in her plan, she decided to just go ahead with what she had in mind anyway... assuming you''d understand and be okay with it.

I''m not a firm believer in the logic behind ''he who gets engaged first, should get married first''... I think there are a lot of other factors at play, including how long people have been together, when they had originally planned for the wedding (even before engagement), age, schedules, etc. Obviously, some of those factors work in your favor... but some work in hers, too. In all honesty, I think it''s unreasonable to ''reserve'' a wedding season (as much as I would have liked to, since we''re in the midst of 10 other weddings next year!) at this point in our lives and expect everyone to comply.

I disagree with her thinking that the age of 30 is a cut-off date, but I''m also not her (and not 30) so I REALLY hesitate to judge her on that. Bottomline... I do understand your disappointment at not being ''first'', but I think at this point it is inevitable, and you may have to move past that and focus on the excitement and fun that is YOUR wedding... and not worry about hers. Ya know? Just my early-morning two cents!

I wholeheartedly agree with all of the things Eph said highlighted above.

I hope you don''t get offended, Elle, but I have to honestly say that it feels like you are the one focused on ''who gets married first''.

From what I see, she isn''t trying to marry before you do. She''s trying to marry before she''s 30....and while that may seem arbitrary and ridiculous to you, it''s important to *her*. If that''s how she feels, it''s how she feels. We all have our own little "hot buttons" that don''t make a lot of sense to others, but that doesn''t make them any less important to us individually.

For me, personally, I feel that fixating on who gets married first is even more ridiculous than focusing on getting married by 30. Honestly, I can relate to the "30" thing. At the time I turned 30, it was horrible. It seems to be an age where people measure themselves against where they thought they''d be/ought to be in their life, and that''s not a small thing.

I can understand it''s disappointing that you won''t be the sole center of attention, but you''re an adult woman. I''m sure you have the maturity to handle this with grace.

She shouldn''t have to sacrifice something about her own wedding that''s obviously important to her simply because you were asked first. It''s not a union shop.....seniority isn''t really a factor (or shouldn''t be). And honestly, it''s not a competition.

I can understand on some levels why closely-spaced weddings can present a challenge. If this were two sisters instead of two brothers, and a single set of parents had to foot both wedding bills so closely together, I can see that as a genuine concern. If potential attendees were so tight on budgets that they couldn''t afford to do both, that could be a genuine concern.

But, where most folks are at your same stage of life (late 20s, early 30s), and one wedding is local, I can''t imagine people being unable to attend both and having to choose not to attend your wedding.

I would strongly recommend against moving up your wedding date. If you do, it will be (rightly) perceived that you are focused more on one-upmanship than on marrying the man of your dreams. Don''t let someone else''s actions dictate how you behave. Plan a glorious wedding and don''t sweat the small stuff. Years later, this won''t matter.

 

[robbie3982]

I completely agree with you Elle. I think that you have every reason to be upset. FI and I got engaged in August and my mom said we could absolutely not get married before Fall 2007 since my sister''s bat mitzvah is planned for April 07 and my cousin is getting married in CA (most of our family lives on the east coast, but none live in PA where my parents live) in Oct 06. My mom said even August was too close to April and since we''d be inviting almost everyone from the bat mitzvah to my wedding we needed to have more time in between so people would have more vacation saved up and wouldn''t have to fly/drive 7+ hours twice in such a short time span.

I really think your FMIL should step up and get involved. If their family is going to be coming in from out of town for both weddings it will create a competition. I think more will want to go to yours since it''s going to be in Mexico, but if I were you, it would bother me a lot.

I have a cousin I don''t get along with at all (there was a post about her about a month ago) who my mom speculated might get engaged soon and pull what your FSIL is pulling on you. I got so mad just thinking about it. She would do it just to upstage me and take away some of my guests. My mom later said that there''s no way her mother (my mom''s sister) would let her do that. Just from thinking about the possibilities, though, I know how you feel.

 

[sumbride]

I went through the whole "I want to be married before I''m 30" thing earlier this year when I was upset that my FI hadn''t proposed before my 29th birthday, knowing we wanted to be engaged a year before the wedding. Deco "slapped" me around a bit and talked some sense into me and now that I''m getting married 4 months after my 30th birthday, I''m ok with it. I didn''t want to move up my wedding just to be married before the "magic birthday" but I am happy I''ll be married 1 month before our 5th anniversary. What sounds silly to some is crucial to others. That is, until Deco talks some sense into you. Maybe she can call your FSIL?

 

[seejanego]

Hi, Ladies! I''m a newbie, and this is my very first post due to the fact that I have had computer issues. (I haven''t even posted my ring yet! BIG faux pas, huh.)

Anyway, down to the nitty-gritty. Ellewoods, I feel your pain. BIG TIME. My story is a bit long, but is worth the read:

My fiance and I got engaged in June after dating for nearly two years. We’re getting married in July of 07, and actually chose the date in April of this year. Everyone knew this was coming, my family had been pegging this as “the wedding of a lifetime” for several reasons. While they genuinely love my fiancé and I, I am the oldest granddaughter/neice, the “do-gooder” in the family, and last but not least, everyone thinks my parents are so wealthy and think this event is going to be so spectacular. My cousin even said something about not wanting to go “after me” because there is no way anything could possibly top mine. (Now mind you, about my parents, they are simply college educated individuals who have attained what they have through hard work, and this is only pertinent because this is what people think.) Also, add to the “prestige” that my fiancé is a former professional athlete.

Right before I announced my engagement, word comes that my younger cousin and his girlfriend are pregnant. But here’s the thing: the baby was due in a week. Apparently, they were embarrassed and hid the pregnancy. Now, after the baby is born, the air clears, and of course everyone is happy about it, as they should be. Meanwhile, my cousin’s Mom, my Aunt, whom I am pretty close to, was pressing me from day one for who will be standing up in my wedding. I think she doesn’t really care less, she just wants me to tell her that I have chosen HER, which I have not because my FH and I have decided not to have anyone stand up for us.

My Aunt, I think, is pissed about this. Weeks later, she tells me that my cousin is tying to get married a month before me, and that her husband (my Uncle) said that would not be a good idea, because it would be too close to mine, but she sees nothing wrong with it.

So I call my cousin August 1 to wish him a happy birthday and he goes, "Yeah, I don''t know if you''ve heard, but my day''s been squished to yours." Now, I didn''t say this, but I''m like, what the heck do you mean "been squished" -- as if he had no control. I played it cool and got off the phone. My cousin is getting married the Saturday before me.

Now, I know women are losing their sons and husbands to bombs in Lebanon, and here I am lucky enough to be safe -- and about to marry -- the man of dreams. That''s what matters. And I won''t forget it.) Nevertheless, I think it is in poor taste for my cousin to chose the wedding date that he has. They will have been living together with kids for 2 years by the time the wedding rolls around, and lo and behold their date just happens to fall a week before mine. My dilemma from day one has been how to deal with it, and keep a stiff upper lip when I really want to tell them what I really think. At the end of the day, the important thing is I am marrying my FH (I have not, and WILL not lose sight of this), and that we still have the day we want Yay!! Hell, I know there are more pressing issues in the world than this one, but every once in a while it gets to me. I got a leg up and mailed my save the dates a couple of weeks ago. And get this -- while they put their desposit on the reception spot -- they still don''t know where they''re getting married!! My Aunt called my Mom and told her that my cousin''s finance now wants to get married in a church, so they are looking for churches. Funny, my aunt still calls and e-mails me, but won''t ever mention anything about their plans. But, anyway just the mere mention of my them still gets my blood boiling!

Just know that I feel your pain. I have opted NOT to relay my discontent because in reality there''s not a damn thing I can do about it. BUT, you know that saying, "Never let them see you sweat"? Well, I want to just focus on me, and not say anything about them because I suspect they want to annoy me, and when they see that they have not, I think THAT annoys them more. Plus, I just try to not think about it because my dear finace has heard me bitch enough, and I don''t want to bore him with my whining.

BUT, here is what I have planned to do -- my cousin''s wedding -- exactly the Saturday before mine -- is my last saturday as a bachelorette. My Mom and Dad and I will show face at the wedding and reception. But I won''t close down the event -- My Mom and I and some friends of mine will have a little soiree at a martini bar that evening. Hey, if they can schedule the wedding then, I can have my party later on that night, that''s thw way I look at it, it''s not like I''ve opted to skip their event entirely. And besides, I look forward to spending that night with my Mom and the girls -- NOT at that wedding. (My dear fiance might not even be able to attend my cousin''s wedding because ALL of his family is in another state, many relatives don''t fly -- including his Mom -- and he may even be driving her out that weekend. But I digress...

Just know that I feel your pain.

 

[MelissaSue]

I mean this in the nicest possible way.. but there is NOTHING you can do to change the situation. They will get married when they want to get married. It is SILLY of you to change your wedding so it will be before theirs.. Thats being childish.. Make your wedding YOUR special wedding. It won''t matter that theirs was two months before or whatever.. Its not like its the DAY before or anything. They will definitely be two separate events. Continue to plan your wedding as you were and don''t worry about what they were doing. And since thier wedding is before yours you can see what they do and make yours that much better!

 

[Larissa]

Date: 9/27/2006 11:46:43 AM
Author: FireGoddess
Having had a VERY similar situation happen to me, I disagree with Jazmine. Two months is too close if you''ve EVER had this happen to you.


I got engaged in November and decided on a wedding in September the following year. Everyone knew about it, since most of my friends and family would have to travel cross country to come to the wedding. My best friend then got engaged the next February (3 months after I did) and set her wedding date for that JULY (5 months from then and 2 months before my wedding) for the same reason as your FSIL...(want to have it in the summer, outside blablabla). I was SO hurt and SO angry. We might not be related, like your FI and your FBIL, but we knew most of the same people and they were NOT going to fly out for 2 weddings in the same place within 2 months of each other. This is what made me furious...that I planned my wedding first and now some of my guests might not come because HERS was essentially ''competing'' with mine for guests that could only afford to fly across the country once during that time. VERY inconsiderate. My friend told me she didn''t care if people didn''t come to her wedding since it was short notice. I know she wasn''t doing it to compete or be malicious. But it was upsetting, so I know EXACTLY how you feel.


Getting your feelings out in the open is the best way to deal with this. After all, most of the attendees on your FI''s side will be common to both weddings. That''s not very nice of your future in-laws.

I guess it depends on personality. I had it happen to me and it was NOT an issue by any stretch of the imagination.

 

[firebirdgold]

I do understand the whole ''getting married before a certain age'' thing. I really really want to get married before I''m 35. It''s not that I''ve always wanted that, just when I turned 33 and knew he''d be asking me to marry him at some point. But I do find the idea of getting married after my birthday to be irrationally upsetting.

And I also understand being fixated on getting married outside. One of the reasons we''re going to Hawaii is because we want an outdoor wedding but don''t want to wait for the weather to warm up.

That said, a wedding in the family just two months before yours is annoying because some people might not be able to afford both. Besides, rational or not, you have every reason to feel angry and rational. No one ever said all of our emotions, particluarly about something so important as our wedding, have to be ''nice'' or something we''re proud of.

Besides, anyone who says that women aren''t inherently competitive with each other needs to stop smoking the green stuff.

That said... 777Bride, you are actually in a far better position if the weddings are in the same area. I had to go to two weddings two weeks apart in the same state and I heartily wished they were only a week apart. People might very well stay for the whole week.

 

[MrzNeicia]

I totally understand what you are going through. My and my now husband, went through the a exact same thing with his sister and her now husband. We were engaged to be married in 8-1995. I n which we got in engaged July of 1994. And his no good sister got engaged around 12-1994 or 01-1995 and decided that she was going to get married in June of 1995 Two month befor us. We was highly upset with the decision that she made to get married a couple of months before us. We were already inthe process of planning our wedding and everything.

On top of that me and my mom went dress shopping and found a dress that I really fell in love with and feww weeks later my husband sister decided to start dress shopping and she went to the same shop to try on dresses. That night she called me to tell me how it went and where she had gone. We she told me that she fount a dress that she like and explained to me how it looked, it was the exact same dress that I had purchased. I told her that it was the dress that I already purchased and not to go get the dress. But, do you think that she listened. HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NOOOOO! She went to get the dress anyway. Which made me have to return mine. VERY UPSETTING! She know that her wedding was before mine so she would get to wear the dress before me. You talking about someboby being extremely pissed, I was.

Although, our wedding came out a whole lot better than hers, they are now headed towards a divorce and we are now in the process of planning a wedding renewal for August 2007. ( I guess what goes arounds comes around in some shape or form, LOOK WHAT SHE IS GOING THROUGH NOW.)

So it will work out for the best for you and yours. BEST WISHES...........

 

[ellewoods]

Thank you very much for all of your replies. I agree with what most everyone said -- both on the side of "how frustrating, that wasn''t considerate and she''s selfish," and also of "well, you can''t reserve an entire wedding season."

I don''t think that in every single situation, the couple who gets engaged first is "entitled" or "deserves" to get married first. In our situation, however, I feel like all of the factors and circumstances weigh towards me and my fiance getting married first. We had already chosen a date, spread the word amongst family and friends, and made plans around that date. It''s not that the brother didn''t have notice of this, and he proposed 4 months later. I''m kind of like -- "well,I understand that you don''t want to wait, but then you should have proposed first!"

I understand that people should have whatever type of wedding they want, as well as where and when they want. But I also feel that if there is a situation between close friends, or siblings, or family members, well, the second-engaged couple should at lease give some consideration to the first-engaged couple''s established plans and date when they make their own.

Just to clarify some details -- the first I heard about their August 2007 plans was that they are planning a destination wedding in Lake Tahoe in August 2007, not sure of exact date. Ours is the very beginning of October, so basically it would be somewhere between 1-2 months before ours. There would be a substantial amount of the same guests -- family, family friends, and college friends (of mine, my fiance''s, and his brother''s -- she didn''t go to college with us).

A big problem I am having in all of this is that when my fiance and I got engaged, she treated us (well, me) really badly and sulked about it because she wasn''t engaged yet, and that makes it really hard for me to just brush this off and say "hooray you two got engaged let me go celebrate with the world about it! And what can I possibly do to make things easy and happy and wonderful for you two?" I am not making an issue of their date choice out of spite or revenge, but it is difficult for me to be charitable and understanding when she hasn''t been at all.

I got an email from the brother earlier today which was sincere and sweet, saying he loves us and doesn''t want to hurt us, but they want to get married too and don''t want to wait. He also said this issue/situation is putting a damper on what is supposed to be a happy time in his life.

But while he thinks that this situation is dampering what is supposed to be a happy time in his life, it is his fiance who put a damper on his brother''s and my engagement from the start, and that is exactly why we feel slighted. It''s not that we don''t want them to be happy, and to get married, but from the get go even before any of us were engaged it''s been all about her, and while my fiance and I have been looking at changing our wedding date, moving it up 4-5 months to accomodate them, trying to find ways to make it easier for all the guests and family, all the brother''s fiance is doing is insisting on August 2007. It feels like a major slap in the face.

 

[RoseAngel04]

To start with I am so very sorry that you have had your feelings hurt by this whole situation. I can only imagine how you feel.

With that said, I agree with whoever said don''t change your wedding date/plans. I only think that would make you look like a bridezilla making sure your wedding was the first just bc you got engaged first. I have a friend who got engaged 5 months before we did and our wedding will be a whole year before there''s. There was no way I''d wait around for their wedding so I could have mine. I know that''s a little bit different situation but I don''t think anyone should hold off when they''d like to get married bc another couple''s is sooner/later.

Also, by what you have said your FSIL has wanted to get married in summer 2007 for a while, so I don''t think she''s doing this just to be spiteful. In her mind she may think it''s nice that their wedding IS before yours, but I think they chose that date just bc that''s what they''ve always wanted.

I don''t want you to think I''m siding with FSIL, I just think you should go on with the plans ya''ll have already made and try to let this slide of your back. I highly doubt she will consider pushing their date back....

 

[cara]

Dont know how much I have to add that hasn''t been said, but here were my few thoughts:

FBIL is marrying this woman, letting her run the show, and he bears some responsibility for the resulting decisions. Dont let him being the guy, or the one passivily supporting decisions, make you just blame the fiancee of FBIL...

However, it seems the big issue is the *attitude* of the fiance of FBIL. Not putting on a happy face for your engagement? Not cool. But, also not cool of FBIL to pick someone so insecure that she can''t suck it up and smile for you two.

You don''t get the whole wedding season. If either of the couples were having a local wedding the 2 months spread should be fine. But destination weddings are a different beast. Are FBIL and fiancee being insensitive/selfish? Might it affect who attends your wedding and how much attention you and your FI get this year? Probably yes, yes, and yes.

So, focus on logistics. I don''t think you should change your date, since you have already announced your plans. Moving yours up would look... foolish (at best). Send out save the dates super-early, send our your invites early, ask people to stand up for you now so they are locked in, and... if your FBIL has not set a date, maybe politely discuss (or better, have your FI discuss) that maybe July would make it a little easier for all the guests to attend two destination weddings. 3 months between weddings, still summer for them, still before the big 3 - 0. Say nothing about competing or waiting or upstaging or whatnot, just logistics for the convenience of guests. And if they have set a date, well. Suck it up. What can you do. Give people notice and invitations and they''ll make their choice.

 

[Maria D]

Date: 9/27/2006 2:17:26 AM
Author:ellewoods

....It was hard at times, and we went through a lot, but in May I finally moved back to our home state and we got engaged.

Some questions: when you say "back to our home state" is this the state that you both did your undergrad? Or is this the state that you both grew up in and where most family/friends live? Is Mexico a close destination to either side's family/friends?

When you say you are concerned about your guests being able to go to both weddings, are the guests in question from your fiance's side? (This would make sense to me since the common guests would come from the two brothers; I'm thinking that you and "must marry before 30 girl" won't have common guests.) If that's the case, why not have your wedding in a place that's local to your fiance's home base. Since your guests have to travel whether they go to Mexico or fiance-land, and since they are not going to the other wedding, it won't make any difference to them. Since his guests won't have to travel far at all, it won't be an issue.

If home state is where you are BOTH from, you could just have the wedding there and go to Mexico for your honeymoon.

These suggestions are only if you are truly concerned about the convenience of your guests. If you & fiance feel that you must have a Mexico destination wedding, fine; but realize that this wish is not much different from someone feeling that they must marry before 30, or before the other couple, or in the summer, or whatever. You can't really place value judgments on someone else's wishes (well you can but it won't change them!). The only thing you *can* do is decide if you want to accommodate someone's wishes. This is for the respective guests to decide.

 

[Mara]

i can definitely see both sides of the coin. it''s an emotional thing, it''s hard to be rational as well at the same time. i would be upset in your shoes but i also agree that you just have to get past it. do not move your wedding up to be before theirs. people who were planning on coming to yours will still come! and even if they don''t, does it REALLY make a difference in the long run? the most important people in your life WILL be there on your special day. we did a destination and we knew not everyone would come and we had 30 people there, the most special people, and that was all that mattered. had we had it locally we would have had about 80. so imagine if she has the 80 locally and you have the 30 destination. it doesn''t make your wedding any less special or great or your day.

i can totally understand why you feel upset, usurped, bitter etc. but do not let it get to you and you have to get past it. this is your new family now, or it will be...and something like this will haunt you mentally if you let it. you KNOW she is not doing it to be malicious to you, she has her own reasons and she has her right to her own reasons for her own wedding, just like you do. if she definitely wanted to get married in summer of 2007 and you knew that then can you really be that p.o''d at her for doing exactly what she said she would way long before this?

i never understand why there is always so much DRAMA surrounding weddings!! why does there always have to be some issue. i''m not saying this to you but it''s such a general thing. it seems like almost every wedding i have been to or heard about, there was ONE issue that was just such a big thing. don''t make this one that big thing....just go with the flow, plan your own amazing wedding and know that the people who matter most WILL come.

 

[TravelingGal]

You have my sympathies...as many of us are married, getting married, or hope to get married, I think all of us can relate, and I would be upset too.

I''m a bottom line kind of gal...and I believe the bottom line is this: A wedding is not a show. First and foremost it is a celebration of two people committing their lives to each other in front of their loved ones - who if they really love them will make every effort to be there. It is not about who''s first, who has the most guests, who has original flowers, etc etc. I know I am not telling you anything you already don''t know. It''s hard to not be emotional when so many gals have dreamed of their wedding day for a long time.

The people who make an effort to at your wedding (or both weddings) will not feel like your wedding is any kind of rerun because yours is second. You and your man are unique and I can''t imagine anyone not thinking that your wedding is separate, distinct, and special.