Depressed -- fiance''s brother just engaged and announced plans to marry a couple months before us

[ephemery1]

Date: 9/30/2006 6:02:14 PM
Author: Mara

anyway i do feel like we are all getting a bit circular here as well. i feel like we are not being heard or something or maybe it just really doesn''t matter. elle i think you are totally entitled to your feelings and you of course are venting here so you don''t explode elsewhere and that''s cool. but i feel like you really don''t want actual advice or recommendations from anyone here. you just are saying this is how i feel, i don''t care what you all think, she''s wrong and i''m okay to feel this way and that''s it, you guys shouldn''t tell me to get over it. when in reality i think that this whole thing could be a serious growth experience for you if you let it. it''s not about ''sucking it up and putting on a happy face'' necessarily as it is really as minims said .... getting some real insight into growing a bit mentally. if you are able to get past this, let it go, embrace the sister in law, you are plain and simply a better person for it. instead you keep saying ''why do *I* have to suck it up'' kind of thing. well why don''t you? do you really want to continue along this vein?

Amen... a lot has been said in the past 4 pages... this summarizes.

Thank you to Mara... and good luck to Elle!

 

[rainwood]

The light bulb just clicked on for me. For all the women on this thread, you know how when you''re having a problem and when you start telling your husband, fiance, boyfriend about it, they start offering solutions when all you want to do is vent? That''s what''s happening here. Elle wants to vent and we''re being the guy! So Elle, vent away because it will help YOU decide what to do. And I apologize for acting like the guy in this dilemma. It drives me nuts when my husband does it to me so I''ll stop doing it to you.

I will share my own experience, not to tell you what to do, but to compare it to yours if it''s helpful. I too thought I was shortchanged on a lot of the important events, being from a single parent household where all the big occasions were my older sister''s first, plus she was the good one. One example was high school graduation. Hers was a big deal, but mine wasn''t because she was graduating from college at the same time, plus getting married. So I felt gypped. And that was just one of many such occasions. So I get it. If you''re like me, I can say that your wedding, regardless of when it happens or if it''s first, will not make the sense of being shortchanged earlier in your life go away. I''m sorry, but it just doesn''t. Those feelings will always be with you to some extent, but what does happen is they get pushed further in the background by new, happier events. Not perfect events, but new ones. And every once in awhile, those "why isn''t this just about me for once?" feelings will jump back out again. This is one of those times for you. If you''re like me, you''ll deal with it as best you can. You won''t always be proud of what you do to cope, but you''ll cope.

Good luck. Like I said before, you''re smart. You''ll make the right decisions.

 

[Tybee]

you are wise rainwood.
nice analogy with the guy thing!

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 9/30/2006 6:02:14 PM
Author: Mara
here''s a question for you elle (and for you too FG since you seem to feel similary to elle re: the whole guests going to one or the other thing)...

so they got engaged after you. did you expect her to what? get married in 2008? just so that she wouldn''t be anywhere near the year that the same guests and family would not have to fly out to 2 weddings? if so, that seems to me like thinking of asking a lot of someone you don''t even talk to, don''t even like....just plain expecting her to not be anywhere near your wedding because that is a whole year of time that they have to be engaged when it seems like they don''t want to wait.

In my case, we''re talking about my BEST FRIEND...the person who had already been asked to be my MOH in the wedding and who asked me to be the MOH in hers. So in my case, I don''t think it was asking a lot. I had to help plan her wedding, MARRY them (I was the officiant), organize and throw her a shower...WHILE I was still trying to plan and pay for my entire wedding just a short time away.

But none of that was what irked me. What irked me was the guests thing. I don''t understand why it''s so difficult to ''get'' that I would be upset that most of the people we were inviting in common would NOT be flying out for both weddings, and now had to choose between them. You''re darn right I would have been happier if she chose to have the wedding after mine. By the time she got engaged, I had already sent out save the date cards and done 4 months'' worth of planning and booking the wedding site and vendors. My wedding planning was well underway by the time they even got engaged, let alone decided to have the wedding just a few months later.

Anyway, this is water under the bridge...we''re talking 4 years ago now. But show me anyone who wouldn''t be upset that a large number of their guests might not come to their wedding because a friend booked hers for right before yours...and I''ll show you a liar.

As for Elle, she can vent all she wants. What, nobody remembers what it was like to be planning their wedding and stressing over silly things like whether the ink in the invitation matches the envelope liner exactly? She will get over this in time, or maybe she won''t for awhile. She can b!tch about it as much as she feels like. It sucks, and she''s not asking any of us to move mountains for her, she simply wants some commiseration. The circular part is people trying to ''solve'' an unsolvable problem.

 

[Mara]

I think there are some people who are 'getting' what some of us are saying and others who just aren't. And that's cool. Whatever. In the end this isn't even my issue...but I just feel like Elle (and anyone else) could use a situation like this to grow, but I know it's very hard to pull one's self out of a funk to try to see the bright side when something unexpected has happened.

No one is saying that they don't GET why Elle is upset....that's not even the case. In fact I think like 20 people said they DO get why she is upset and that yes it's a totally valid reaction. And maybe this is an 'unsolvable problem' but only if Elle lets it be that way in my opinion.

As for showing a liar...you might be pointing at me in that instance, because quite honestly, I wouldn't have worried if a friend or relative scheduled their wedding near ours. Because we already knew who was coming, we had asked around before we even decided on WHERE to get married...we had asked about dates that worked for the people we wanted to come. We had pre-screened the most important people in our lives to ensure they would be there come hell or high water. So even if someone else's wedding had popped up a mere 2 weeks before mine, I wouldn't have lost any guests because it was a destination wedding and we already had committed family and friends who I knew would not disappoint us. I also didn't have any grand expectations for my guests at the wedding. I wanted my closest friends and family there and that is what I got. Plus a few others we never expected to show up. But quite honestly, if 10 people had come instead of 30, that would have really been okay with me too! It was really just marrying the man I loved than really anything else.

So I think it's just really hard to assume that every bride out there planning a wedding is just like you FG...or like Elle or like any other bride out there. Everyone is different, everyone is unique, everyone of course has their hot trigger buttons and those things that really just don't faze them.

And yes I do think that many of us here are acting like our men do, trying to fix a problem, and that's just human nature on forums like this IMO because I don't like to just say 'oh i'm so sorry that sucks'...my nature is to try to find a different way to think about things, because I do think that sometimes people who are right smack in the thick of drama can't see the forest through the trees. And sometimes people who are totally external to the situation AND have not been in that situation themselves MIGHT be able to offer some sort of intelligent, rational thought that might be construed as helpful. A different way to see things. If the individual is open to it. And Elle of course can plain and simply take it or leave it and it won't offend me at all! But whenever I have an issue or a drama that I am kind of stuck with seeing only one way and I tell my friends...they always come up with the greatest way of looking at it differently than I am when I am right in the thick of it all.

After I posted yesterday I thought, man why am I even responding to this thread anymore. It's quite obvious that any suggestion I could make is not even really being heard...in fact it probably just seems like I am unsympathetic. Which I am really not! Maybe next time I will just say 'oh man that sucks, your SIL sounds like a total bitch! good luck with that!!' and not even try to think of the other side, or ways to make the situation better, or maybe suggestions on how to pull yourself out of something when you are right in the middle and can't see past it. Or..maybe not...I probably just can't help myself.

ETA....Elle I hope that you surely do work through this in your own way and that my comments as well as others have been helpful in some way, shape or form!! Really I don't just type to hear myself talk...even though it might sometimes seem that way.

 

[FireGoddess]

I hear what you are saying, don''t get me wrong. There are commiserators, and there are ''get over it''-ers. And that''s all cool. In any situation, there need to be both. I''m sure this is a hot button for me because it did cause me anxiety in my own wedding/life. Other things...may not have fazed me. But I did feel like Elle was getting a little beat up. Maybe she needed to hear it...a little. But I do feel for her.

I don''t think every bride is like me...or Elle. My wedding was actually quite laid back, despite how it may seem by my reply. There were nearly 75 people that crashed our wedding. But that''s another story entirely...

Point is...this is an obstacle for her to get over, and she will or won''t. I''m sure she will. But everyone''s entitled to some self pity, even if some think it a little indulgent.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 10/1/2006 8:06:43 PM
Author: FireGoddess
I hear what you are saying, don''t get me wrong. There are commiserators, and there are ''get over it''-ers. And that''s all cool. In any situation, there need to be both. I''m sure this is a hot button for me because it did cause me anxiety in my own wedding/life. Other things...may not have fazed me. But I did feel like Elle was getting a little beat up. Maybe she needed to hear it...a little. But I do feel for her.


I don''t think every bride is like me...or Elle. My wedding was actually quite laid back, despite how it may seem by my reply. There were nearly 75 people that crashed our wedding. But that''s another story entirely...

Point is...this is an obstacle for her to get over, and she will or won''t. I''m sure she will. But everyone''s entitled to some self pity, even if some think it a little indulgent.

FG, I think you are right. Some people in real life would act one way, and likely act that way here too. Some people are fixers and want to find answers. Some do not have answers but like to commiserate. I think it is really case dependant. Some posters want answers found for them, or at least some tips that help them come up with an answer, and others, for whatever reason, just want to vent here. Maybe there is no one in their life they feel they can voice some of these things too, people who are too close to the issue and cannot hear or be objective. I even think Elle appreciated some of the divergent views, to clear her own feelings and maybe get her out of her own head to come up with coping skills. My only issue was a couple of people got very personal and cruel, without knowing Elle at all, or the players involved. I jst felt there was no call for it, like in the thread where the jeweler put in the wrong stone and the guy was looking for advice and people were calling him amoral and a thief and I just could not imagine going THERE from a couple comments or questions. I think Elle will hopefully come to terms with things and having been able to come here and get either "that stinks and or I can relate" OR "hey, it is just one day, see the bigger picture and don''t sweat the small stuff"...she is going to have it all work out in the end!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/1/2006 4:02:56 PM
Author: rainwood

The light bulb just clicked on for me. For all the women on this thread, you know how when you''re having a problem and when you start telling your husband, fiance, boyfriend about it, they start offering solutions when all you want to do is vent? That''s what''s happening here. Elle wants to vent and we''re being the guy! So Elle, vent away because it will help YOU decide what to do. And I apologize for acting like the guy in this dilemma. It drives me nuts when my husband does it to me so I''ll stop doing it to you.

Nice try, but I think your lightbulb is broken.

Here''s what Elle''s opening post ended with (after laying out the story): "I would really appreciate any thoughts, whether you agree with me or not. I am still trying to be rational, see their side of things, etc. But if it''s not that big of a deal for people to get married around the same time....well why can''t they wait until after we get married? What''s the big deal in waiting? Why does she insist on upstaging our wedding?"

So, Rainwood, she solicited opinions. Some folks agreed with her, and some didn''t. For those who didn''t, she kept asking in various ways if they wouldn''t feel the same....i.e. validation that she''s right to feel that way. Further, she asked for feedback about a few potential courses of action, i.e "should I insist on them waiting to send out their invites, etc. etc."

So no, this is not the same as the guy trying to fix the problem when all you wanted was to vent. She asked for input, asked for opinions, and specifically asked if her possible responses would be reasonable. That''s what people were responding to.

It''s fine to come and vent, but folks should also inherently realize that even coming here to vent doesn''t mean everyone should get on the "oh, poor you" bus and not offer any other commentary.

As Mara aptly pointed out, I think most of us responding have said "sure, it''s disappointing" and empathized that it''s a tough situation. That doesn''t mean they all have to agree that her SIL is evil incarnate and is doing this purely out of malice and spite.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/1/2006 7:01:48 PM
Author: FireGoddess

But none of that was what irked me. What irked me was the guests thing. I don''t understand why it''s so difficult to ''get'' that I would be upset that most of the people we were inviting in common would NOT be flying out for both weddings, and now had to choose between them. You''re darn right I would have been happier if she chose to have the wedding after mine. By the time she got engaged, I had already sent out save the date cards and done 4 months'' worth of planning and booking the wedding site and vendors. My wedding planning was well underway by the time they even got engaged, let alone decided to have the wedding just a few months later.

Anyway, this is water under the bridge...we''re talking 4 years ago now. But show me anyone who wouldn''t be upset that a large number of their guests might not come to their wedding because a friend booked hers for right before yours...and I''ll show you a liar.

Really? So if everyone else isn''t as outraged as you by the same thing, they''re liars? Sorry, FG....I love ya, gal, but you''re dead wrong on this one.

I''ll tell you with absolute certainty that I wouldn''t get ruffled by it. But then again, I didn''t have the huge-o wedding production that some folks seem to want, so maybe that''s why I see it differently.

Here''s how I see it: People do the things that are important to them. If it''s important to them to attend my wedding, they''ll find a way to make it happen. If they don''t, then they don''t. As long as the handful of key people are there, that''s all I honestly care about.

I just don''t give a crap about acquaintence-level people attending. How strongly do I feel about that? Strongly enough that I didn''t even bother inviting anyone other than immediately family and a dozen THISCLOSE friends.....friends that are truly "intimates". We see them at least bi-weekly, and many we see/speak to weekly. And I KNEW all of them would make it a priority.....and they did.

That said, if we HAD done a bigger wedding and invited everyone we''d ever met since birth, then I''d expect some folks wouldn''t be able to make it. As long as that core group was there, that''s all I would have cared about.

 

[ellewoods]

Hi again everyone.

When I first posted about my situation, I had no idea that I would get so many replies and that people would have such strong feelings both towards my point of view and against it. I do appreciate everyone''s thoughts. Being able to talk though things here has really been helpful, so thank you all for that.

And Rainwood -- your lightbulb was entirely correct -- I realized today that I did come to Price Scope looking to vent so that I could come to a solution, more so than looking for the perfect solution from one of you. Although I do appreciate all of the specific advice everyone has given.

Firegoddess -- thanks for empathizing with me even when I have continued to keep venting about it. I think your situation was definitely worse than mine, and I am glad to hear that you and your friend are still friends and your wedding wasn''t hurt by hers.

Firegoddess & Diamondfan -- I did feel like at some points I was starting to get a bit beat up on, which didn''t feel great, but I realize that I started the topic and came here to vent and looking for people''s thoughts, so I couldn''t take the good without the bad -- even when some of the posts were a bit harsher than I thought I deserved. In the end, I think some of those who may have been a little overly harsh have probably been in some sort of situation where they were the party opposite to my position -- so they identify more clearly against what I''m saying than for it.

Just to clarify for everyone -- I don''t think fiance''s brother''s fiance is evil incarnate and chose this date purely out of malice and spite. I liked her fine enough before this came up, have had a few reservations about her based on some comments she''s made on certain topics, and may not have chosen to be best friends with her if meeting her through other circumstances, but I realize that fiance''s brother has chosen her and I respect that and have always acted respectfully and kind towards her. We see them every couple of months and have been on many family vacations together, and she and I have even emailed at different times.

My initial hurt and disapointment came largely from the fact that I have not been in any way Bridezilla-ish since becoming engaged. Most of the details are not huge issues and dilemmas for me, because I have a relaxed attitude about all of those types of things -- as long as I get to marry my wonderful fiance, with family and friends around, in a relaxing, beautiful location where everyone feels like they get a little vacation -- I can deal with flowers being the wrong color or envelopes not matching perfectly, etc. My career is extremely stressful, and demanding, and hectic most of the time -- so I know that I want the wedding planning and the wedding to be none of that -- and if that means there are some bumps along the way and some things aren''t perfect, well that''s OK with me.

But one of the things that was important to me, was the date we chose -- we took into account many of my fiance''s family commitments in order to find something that would work for them. And we found a good date, and everyone knew of it, and of the plans. So enter fiance''s brother + his fiance, who get engaged 4 months after us, who consider no one except themselves when choosing to marry 2 months before us. Immediately causing concerns to me that family & friends will not be able to attend 2 destination weddings in such a short time span.

So it''s not complete irrational anger and disapointment towards brother''s fiance. In fact, I was even thinking that fiance''s brother might propose around Thanksgiving, and then when we met them in Mexico on our planning trip we would be celebrating their engagement (as well as planning for our wedding). And I thought it would be a fun for the family that way.

Anyway, to give you all an update, I think that many of you will be happy to hear that today when I woke up, I was surprisingly more mellow about the whole thing. Sure, I am still a little worried about our wedding being overshadowed, and that some guests may miss our wedding now, but I am accepting this bit by bit and I''m moving forward. I still get to marry my wonderful fiance, in the most beautiful dress in the world (I need to find pictures to post!), in Mexico, and their wedding doesn''t change those things.

Going forward, I am going to try and be open towards her and happy for them. I think I''ll keep my wedding planning details to myself, because I don''t want to find ourselves in some sort of competitive situation in terms of taking each others ideas (especially since she doesn''t seem like she''d stay away from something just because I chose it), but I think that''s understandable.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/1/2006 11:24:10 PM
Author: ellewoods
today when I woke up, I was surprisingly more mellow about the whole thing. Sure, I am still a little worried about our wedding being overshadowed, and that some guests may miss our wedding now, but I am accepting this bit by bit and I''m moving forward. I still get to marry my wonderful fiance, in the most beautiful dress in the world (I need to find pictures to post!), in Mexico, and their wedding doesn''t change those things.

I''m really glad to hear that, Elle! Your "big picture" looks pretty awesome ... just like that gorgeous e-ring & your 99.6% beauteous spirit

One day you might even feel like being "last" is best. Good things comes to those that WAIT.

Whoever laughs last laughs best.

I''ll stop the cliche-o-polooza before someone hurls.

p.s. - hope you didn''t thing I was beating up on you. Its truly what I would tell a RL friend too ... after a little listening & comiserating ... maybe I skipped THAT part for you. If I did, I''m sorry.

 

[Mara]

yay Elle, I''m also happy to hear that today you have a slightly sunnier outlook! Hopefully it will just get rosier and rosier. I''m sure as you continue planning your own wedding fabulousnessness, you will come to the realization that anyone who decides to not attend your wedding will surely be MISSING OUT!!! But I really hope that in the end it all turns out to work out wonderfully and that all of the worrying was for naught. You never know what the future can hold also, especially for your relationship with your future SIL. Good luck gal!

 

[ellewoods]

Thanks Deco, I''m really happy to be able to give an update on me mellowing out.

It was really unexpected, waking up this morning I felt like something had lifted, and most of my anger/disapointment had just faded. And like many of you have pointed out, I''m even starting to see some of the benefits of going second. They''ll go first, then they''ll be married, and then its over. And then we''ll get our little window of focus on us.

An unrelated development has came up, nothing very major, but I am trying to figure out how to handle it. A good friend of mine from law school is getting married next year, and she just told me they chose a date and booked a location -- and its 1 week after our wedding. I hadn''t told her our date yet. I know that means we can''t go to her wedding because we''ll be on our honeymoon. And that means anywhere between 2-8 guests
(mutual law school friends) will be invited to both weddings -- hers in California, and ours in Mexico. The law school guests will all be coming from the east coast. She and her fiance are on my guest list, but I don''t know whether they would go to Mexico for our wedding 1 week prior to their own wedding.

I realize this isn''t a major issue, and probably not something to change our date over, but I feel badly telling her about it. Just another bump along the wedding planning experience, of date conflicts? I guess we each invite whom we planned on inviting, and leave it up to the guests to decide which to attend or to attend both.

 

[ellewoods]

Hi Mara, thanks for coming back to check on my progress.

I do feel much better about things, and I am looking forward to talking to fiance''s brother and telling him I''m not so upset about it anymore. Hopefully their details will be really different than ours!

 

[lilmissjaja]

hello ellewood,

I totally understand your predicament here.

The same thing happen to me, me and bf are in the middles of planning a July wedding, but my sister suddenly said that she wants to get married by March.

On top of that, bf elder brother suddenly says that he wants to get married by next year too.

Both said that they want to get married by next year, but neither has confirm any dates yet.

To avoid frustration and confusion, so we push back our wedding to October 2007. I just cannot handle all of the frustration, anger, stress ...etc in between wedding planning for my sister and me.

It sucks because she is my own sister. I can''t possibly shun her off.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/1/2006 11:24:10 PM
Author: ellewoods

In the end, I think some of those who may have been a little overly harsh have probably been in some sort of situation where they were the party opposite to my position -- so they identify more clearly against what I''m saying than for it.

For my part, I hope my offerings weren''t overly harsh. I think most of you know by this point that I''m fairly direct, and that''s not likely to change. However, if we didn''t care about you and how you feel, too, we wouldn''t be contributing at all.

I can''t say that I agree with your assumption above....that people who didn''t totally agree with your position must have been "the party opposite to your position" in another situation. I certainly haven''t. I didn''t marry until I was almost 39. My closest friends had been married 9.5 and 11 years respectively by the time I was engaged; my younger sister married 2 years before I ever met my husband. Remaining friends were (and still are) single.

I think I identify most solidly against the notion that anyone should have to delay/defer their wedding to suit someone else. I can envision easily getting POd if someone close to me suggested that I shouldn''t marry when I wish to because someone else had to be first. While others in the thread have suggested other plausible concerns like the duality of the guest list, etc., I''ve felt right along that those are secondary issues....but I''ve felt (and still feel) that the primary point of contention is being unseated as "first".

I''m glad you''re coming to a place of peace with it, and hope that continues.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/2/2006 12:38:00 AM
Author: ellewoods

An unrelated development has came up, nothing very major, but I am trying to figure out how to handle it. A good friend of mine from law school is getting married next year, and she just told me they chose a date and booked a location -- and its 1 week after our wedding. I hadn''t told her our date yet. I know that means we can''t go to her wedding because we''ll be on our honeymoon. And that means anywhere between 2-8 guests
(mutual law school friends) will be invited to both weddings -- hers in California, and ours in Mexico. The law school guests will all be coming from the east coast. She and her fiance are on my guest list, but I don''t know whether they would go to Mexico for our wedding 1 week prior to their own wedding.

I realize this isn''t a major issue, and probably not something to change our date over, but I feel badly telling her about it. Just another bump along the wedding planning experience, of date conflicts? I guess we each invite whom we planned on inviting, and leave it up to the guests to decide which to attend or to attend both.

Funny that you mentioned this, because I nearly responded with this type of example to what FG wrote.

I highlighted the comment about "show me anyone who wouldn''t be upset that a large number of their guests might not attend becuase a friend booked hers close....".

I was going to say that every bride faces the possibility that a large number of guests may be unable to attend her wedding......EVEN IF no friend/sister/inlaw books a wedding close to hers.

For every guest you invite, they each have other friends/family and commitments. They have friends in other circles. So, it doesn''t really matter if 10 guests miss for the same reason (attending another person''s wedding that you know) or if they miss for 10 separate reasons (one has a family bat mitzvah, another has a cousin getting married then, another has family vacation scheduled for that same week, etc).

The best any bride can hope for is that her friends will make every effort s/he can to attend her wedding, too. Beyond that, there''s nothing you can do. Set your date, make the invites, and count on those who can make it to attend.

 

[etienneperret]

Elle,
In reality what you have wriiten will be on line forever for ay one to see how you feel about your future sister in law. If you can not say something face to face do not say it at all.
My mother used to say, "If you do not any thing nice to say don''t say it at all."
Certainly don''t do it in a forum that Google has indexed.

Examples of forum postings indexed by Google

You never know when someone will be looking up: angry sister in law wedding Mexico

 

[firebirdgold]

I remember last year when my fi told me we couldn''t get engaged yet because his sister''s feelings would be hurt. I was not a happy duckling! Plus with both of our sister''s getting married this summer, I was requested to not have the wedding too soon as to give the parents time to recover. My mother kept saying it was her nightmare that both of her daughters would get married in the same year. I did not like the idea of pushing back my wedding. I can''t wait to marry my fiance! (And I''m not getting any younger here) I was terrified I wouldn''t be able to marry him until after my 35th birthday. So not cool! So I can empathize with your fsil.

Really, wedding close together are just not that big of a deal! It doesn''t really matter if 60 people come or 150 people. It''s not a sign that people love you less if you have a smaller wedding than you planned. When you narrow the list down to the people you really want to share your joy with to the point of not wanting to have it without them... well I bet it''s a pretty small list.

I do understand that the main reason you''re upset is because of how she reacted to your engagement and her attitude in general. But, as I''m sure you''ve realized by now

, the prospect of getting married doesn''t always bring out the most admirable emotions in women!

As I''ve said, given how she twisted your fbil''s arm to get engaged and married on her timeline like he was the last missing piece to a lifelong fantasy, I''ll believe this wedding when she''s actually walking down the aisle!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/2/2006 10:36:38 AM
Author: etienneperret
My mother used to say, ''If you do not have any thing nice to say don''t say it at all.''

Would that, perchance, apply to statements about a stranger like: "I can''t believe how full of yourself you are?

"

I''d imagine those sentiments are also helpfully captured by Google for anyone researching Etienne Perret engagment or wedding rings to find.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 10/2/2006 11:15:44 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 10/2/2006 10:36:38 AM
Author: etienneperret
My mother used to say, ''If you do not have any thing nice to say don''t say it at all.''

Would that, perchance, apply to statements about a stranger like: ''I can''t believe how full of yourself you are?

''

I''d imagine those sentiments are also helpfully captured by Google for anyone researching Etienne Perret engagment or wedding rings to find.

That just makes me want to say "OH, SNAP!" and I never say stuff like that...

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/2/2006 10:36:38 AM
Author: etienneperret

My mother used to say, ''If you do not any thing nice to say don''t say it at all.''

mmmm

*You* should listen to your mother.

 

[SoonIHope]

Date: 10/2/2006 11:20:07 AM
Author: sumbride

Date: 10/2/2006 11:15:44 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 10/2/2006 10:36:38 AM
Author: etienneperret
My mother used to say, ''If you do not have any thing nice to say don''t say it at all.''

Would that, perchance, apply to statements about a stranger like: ''I can''t believe how full of yourself you are?

''

I''d imagine those sentiments are also helpfully captured by Google for anyone researching Etienne Perret engagment or wedding rings to find.

That just makes me want to say ''OH, SNAP!'' and I never say stuff like that...

Haha, exactly!

I would also like to point out that anyone searching for "Elle Woods" is never going to end up on this page (if your SIL has any idea you use that name) whereas Etienne Perret is a name people might actually search for and turn up here.

Elle - I can''t remember if I posted on an earlier page of your thread or not, but I completely empathize. My brother announced his (surprise!) engagement after my fiance had already bought my ring, but before he had proposed or we had told any family. We had previously been considering getting married June 2006, but for logistical reasons it would have had to be just a few weeks prior to one of my best friends'' weddings, so we were leaning against that just to be nice to her. Then when my brother announced their (surprise!) plans for June 2006 three weeks before my friend''s, we had to cross all of 2006 off the list and wait until June 2007!

(Logistical family reasons regarding the family house where we & my brother were marrying meant only June. Marrying in that house was my only real deal-breaker on what I had to have for my wedding.) I couldn''t very well plan ours for one week after my brother''s wedding (in the same house no less) OR 1 week before my friend''s, so we had to push it another year. So, being in your future SIL''s place, I sucked it up and set our date for a whole year after when I REALLY REALLY WANTED it to be. So even though I completely understand her personal desire to get married before her 30th birthday, I kind of resent that other people (than people like you or me) are ABLE to just say "well this is when I want it so this is when it will be!" I wanted soooo much to do it this year, but just couldn''t do that to my brother or friend, so I sucked it up. I feel like what I''m hearing from you is sort of that same sensation - bitterness that others won''t play by the same "rules" we set for ourselves (I forget who said this earlier, but it rang true for me) I know that I have ways that I think are appropriate or fair to act, and am saddened to see that other people sometimes do not abide by them. It is a mixture of disappointment that they aren''t as "good" as I would think they should be, and jealousy that they don''t have such rigid beliefs that they make themselves conform too. Sometimes I just WANT to be the selfish one and say "I know your wedding is the next week, but too bad, I''m going first!" just because, hey, why CAN''T I be the one who''s first?? But ultimately I would never indulge in an act like that, so it disappoints me two-fold when other people do.

That said - I was very glad to hear your latest update that you''re feeling much better about it all!!

I agree that you should just try to be the better person with regard to your family as best you can, but we are always here if you need to vent!! And your wedding does sound absolutely incredible!!!

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 10/2/2006 11:15:44 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 10/2/2006 10:36:38 AM

Author: etienneperret

My mother used to say, ''If you do not have any thing nice to say don''t say it at all.''

Would that, perchance, apply to statements about a stranger like: ''I can''t believe how full of yourself you are?

''


I''d imagine those sentiments are also helpfully captured by Google for anyone researching Etienne Perret engagment or wedding rings to find.

Deco, you are a mind reader!!! When I posted about getting personal? "Exhibit A" is all I have to say...

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 10/1/2006 8:56:15 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 10/1/2006 7:01:48 PM
Author: FireGoddess

But none of that was what irked me. What irked me was the guests thing. I don't understand why it's so difficult to 'get' that I would be upset that most of the people we were inviting in common would NOT be flying out for both weddings, and now had to choose between them. You're darn right I would have been happier if she chose to have the wedding after mine. By the time she got engaged, I had already sent out save the date cards and done 4 months' worth of planning and booking the wedding site and vendors. My wedding planning was well underway by the time they even got engaged, let alone decided to have the wedding just a few months later.

Anyway, this is water under the bridge...we're talking 4 years ago now. But show me anyone who wouldn't be upset that a large number of their guests might not come to their wedding because a friend booked hers for right before yours...and I'll show you a liar.

I just don't give a crap about acquaintence-level people attending. How strongly do I feel about that? Strongly enough that I didn't even bother inviting anyone other than immediately family and a dozen THISCLOSE friends.....friends that are truly 'intimates'. We see them at least bi-weekly, and many we see/speak to weekly. And I KNEW all of them would make it a priority.....and they did.

I just wanted to clarify that a lot of those people were very close friends to the both of us...not just acquaintances.

I knew the liar thing was kind of harsh when I wrote it

but I do think that if some of your close friends are made to choose between your wedding or your friend's, it would matter to you (collective you, not just you Alj). That's all. Even Mara made sure that her close important guests would be able to go to her destination wedding before solidifying the plans. Some of the people in my case went through a lot of stuff (grad school, etc) with the both of us and now essentially had to choose which wedding to go to, which was a stressor.

Anyway, I'm glad you're getting zen about it Elle...again, it won't seem like an earth shattering thing later on.

ETA: I love ya too Alj...keep a slice of the key lime pie out for me!!!

 

[aussiegirl23]

Elle,

One thing to think about:
-have you sat down (in person) with this woman to discuss your feelings? This is the only way anything will be resolved.
-you can spend lots of time on here venting and looking for advice, but we can''t change ANYTHING or help negotiate with your in laws... only YOU can
-at some point you just have to accept the situation for what it is
-spend as much time trying to FIX the situation than you are WORRYING about it

That''s all I can do -- remember, we PriceScopers may be awesome for finding that perfect dress someone''s looking for at 50% retail price, but we CAN''T change your family''s plans or desires...

Go TALK to her... maybe if you have an in-person conversation with her, and be TOTALLY honest about how you feel... maybe she''ll be willing to work out something that works for BOTH of you!

Aussie

 

[tanyak]

Then when my brother announced their (surprise!) plans for June 2006 three weeks before my friend''s, we had to cross all of 2006 off the list and wait until June 2007!

(Logistical family reasons regarding the family house where we & my brother were marrying meant only June. Marrying in that house was my only real deal-breaker on what I had to have for my wedding.) I couldn''t very well plan ours for one week after my brother''s wedding (in the same house no less) OR 1 week before my friend''s, so we had to push it another year. So, being in your future SIL''s place, I sucked it up and set our date for a whole year after when I REALLY REALLY WANTED it to be. So even though I completely understand her personal desire to get married before her 30th birthday, I kind of resent that other people (than people like you or me) are ABLE to just say ''well this is when I want it so this is when it will be!'' I wanted soooo much to do it this year, but just couldn''t do that to my brother or friend, so I sucked it up. I feel like what I''m hearing from you is sort of that same sensation - bitterness that others won''t play by the same ''rules'' we set for ourselves (I forget who said this earlier, but it rang true for me) I know that I have ways that I think are appropriate or fair to act, and am saddened to see that other people sometimes do not abide by them. It is a mixture of disappointment that they aren''t as ''good'' as I would think they should be, and jealousy that they don''t have such rigid beliefs that they make themselves conform too. Sometimes I just WANT to be the selfish one and say ''I know your wedding is the next week, but too bad, I''m going first!'' just because, hey, why CAN''T I be the one who''s first?? But ultimately I would never indulge in an act like that, so it disappoints me two-fold when other people do.

Ah, the people pleaser syndrome.

I used to be a lot like that, and I still am in some ways, but then I realized - and my mom and DH have told me - that what you want is important and just as valid as what others want and frankly, more valid, when it comes to your wedding. I mentioned my friend a few posts ago who is planning a wedding that doesn''t resemble anything she had envisioned because she changed things to please everyone else and make them more comfortable. Different season, different reception meal, a guest list that shrank from around 60 or 70 down to 10! And this isn''t the first time this has happened. At work a few years ago, our computer system went screwy and files went missing. Dang right on I was on the phone to IT to recover my stuff, even if it wasn''t as vital for me as others. She, on the other hand, waited around because "my stuff isn''t as important." She waited so long that IT couldn''t recover her files - everything was gone forever. She too will complain about why people can''t be more like her and defer to others as she does - usually when she is getting screwed out of something she wants. And to my ears, it dissolves into a "Woe is me. I''m so good and other people aren''t" thing -almost like a martyr.

All that said, Albicocca, your case sounds a little different than that. Three weddings in one month IS a lot, but it seems the where greatly outweighed the when for you, so it seems it will work out for you.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/2/2006 1:05:22 PM
Author: FireGoddess

I just wanted to clarify that a lot of those people were very close friends to the both of us...not just acquaintances.

I knew the liar thing was kind of harsh when I wrote it

but I do think that if some of your close friends are made to choose between your wedding or your friend''s, it would matter to you (collective you, not just you Alj). That''s all. Even Mara made sure that her close important guests would be able to go to her destination wedding before solidifying the plans. Some of the people in my case went through a lot of stuff (grad school, etc) with the both of us and now essentially had to choose which wedding to go to, which was a stressor.

Anyway, I''m glad you''re getting zen about it Elle...again, it won''t seem like an earth shattering thing later on.

ETA: I love ya too Alj...keep a slice of the key lime pie out for me!!!

Hey, key lime on tap for you any time you want it, gal!

While both your and Elle''s issues involve potential guests-in-common, they are VERY different issues to me. Your worry was more "my potential guests may be unable to come to my wedding at all." The vibe I got from Elle''s situation is more discontent with being upstaged: ''guests-in-common will compare the weddings.....we''ll be seen as sloppy seconds......they won''t be excited enough about our wedding......we won''t be first.''

To me, those are completely different elements. Both are crappy, and both are disappointing, sure, but I don''t equate them as the same.

Also, in your situation, I can totally see the financial element, too. It''s tough financially to be in someone else''s wedding and also pay for your own simultaneously.

On your guests-in-common thing.....well, it sounds as though your best friend knew that your common friends already knew of your impending wedding and were likely already planning to go. Since it didn''t matter to her if they didn''t come to hers too, why delay the wedding? I can see thinking that in her shoes. I can imagine her saying "well, if I chose July, that set of people probably won''t be able to make it to my wedding, but I''m fine with that, so no other reason not to marry in July." and not thinking about the financial aspect of it.
From what you''ve said, that''s precisely what happened, too. People had known about your wedding by the time she announced hers (and she knew they knew already), and they chose to attend your function. Worked out for you, and worked out for her, which is great.

 

[codex57]

Date: 10/1/2006 4:02:56 PM
Author: rainwood
The light bulb just clicked on for me. For all the women on this thread, you know how when you''re having a problem and when you start telling your husband, fiance, boyfriend about it, they start offering solutions when all you want to do is vent? That''s what''s happening here. Elle wants to vent and we''re being the guy! So Elle, vent away because it will help YOU decide what to do. And I apologize for acting like the guy in this dilemma. It drives me nuts when my husband does it to me so I''ll stop doing it to you.

Hahaha, sorry, but that''s what we guys do. We guys get just as mad when you complain about us offering suggestions. If you don''t want advice, don''t ask. If you wanna vent, go vent to your girlfriends. We''ll put up with some venting, but understand it''s a VERY unnatural experience for us. We can only tolerate so much.