Depressed about getting older

[diamondseeker2006]

I agree with the others who said to be sure the depression isn''t related to some physical cause.

But as one who has passed that birthday you dread, certainly I can say that I didn''t look forward to it. But it is what it is, and we just have to deal with it as well as we can! I think staying busy is important because it helps keep our minds off of it.

I was very thin all my life with zero effort until I gradually started putting on weight in my mid-40''s. I guess I am 30 pounds or so over what I''d realistically like to weigh. But food is one of my real pleasures in life, so I don''t want to sacrifice that! And exercise, well, that has been a habit that I have never developed, unfortunately. So that gets me down as much as anything. I always wear make-up and color my hair. I''d feel much better if I could make myself lose the extra weight. I just don''t enjoy buying clothes now.

All that said, I am helped through my faith, which reminds me that I am on a path to a far better place! I try to remember that when I realize how fast the time is passing!

 

[Circe]

Date: 9/18/2009 11:20:53 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
I''m 61 years old and still steppin''.

The realization that you''re not a kid any more is a sobering thought, but:

Aging and changes in appearance are inevitable, and my attitude about it is ''If you can''t control it, ignore it''.

Every laugh line came from a happy experience.

If a wrinkle or a frown line came from a bad experience, it makes me appreciate the laugh lines more.

If I ever get to a point where changes in my face start to bother me, I''ll get some ''work'' done - nothing wrong with that.

Nicely said, Madame Bijoux!

I''m only 30, and even I''m aware of how age is starting to affect me. I''m a hard-core feminist, and a lot of it depresses me on a general level in terms of how we devalue women as they age. Quick example: I''m basically in the same shape I was in in my teens and twenties, but I got a lot more attention on the street when I was underage (and I''m not talking a nubile 17 3/4''s, I''m talking a 14 year old who looked 14) then I do now that I''m in my prime. The hell? That has some frightening cultural implications. But on the flip-side, it''s quite nice to walk down the street without being harassed.

On a personal level ... I can see the differences in my skin and the lines on my face when I look at photos of myself then and photos of myself now. But the biggest thing is that I remember how at the time, I was convinced I was fat/frumpy/generally unattractive. I wish I could go back and shake Teen!Me and tell her to enjoy it. But, since that isn''t an option, I''m going to enjoy the hell out of my 30s, whatever state I''m at.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 9/18/2009 5:21:12 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 9/18/2009 4:37:44 PM
Author: crystalheart1
JuneBug,,, I am 49 and this is something I went through in the past ten years. I know it is difficult , I am sorry you are feeling this right now.. and you have the correct mind set that you are healthy, and safe.

I don''t agree with those saying don''t get Plastic Surgery,, I did . It was VERY well done and I don''t have that '' LOOK'' like I did something to my face

I get compliments all the time, and people who don''t me can''t believe my age.

I don''t look like I have had any work done.. I don''t have that pulled look at all. I also use Retin A daily.

It is not for everyone, as it is an emotional and financial decision. .. But I know how it is being upset when you look at yourself and not liking what you see... Nothing can fix this but improving how you look..

This was the best thing I did for myself in years... I was also single and dating..I am now happily married.

Ditto the comment on the plastic surgery being a good possibility. I''m certainly not saying plastic surgery is the answer and you''ll feel 20 years younger, but I know someone who had a small (not sure if that is the right word-mild?) face lift done and she felt so much better afterwards. Her face is not pulled tight at all. She really looks pretty much the same age, actually, but a bit fresher.

I also second the recommendations to look into an anti-depressant. It sounds to me like this is a bit deeper than just being bummed out about your looks. I hope something gives and things start looking up for you soon!

Make sure you get your mind and spirit in a good place first before the plastic surgery if you want to try it. I think subtle procedures can enhance your appearance, but a lot of times it''s over the top. I''ve seen women twice my age with perkier boobs. The boobs may look good, but the mind is distracted by how unnatural it is.

 

[junebug17]

First of all, I want to thank each and every one of you for taking time out of your busy day to offer me words of comfort and advice, I can''t tell you how much I appreciate it. You have all been very understanding and kind...I could see where I could be told to stop my pity party, be thankful for what I have, and get over it. But none of you did, you took me seriously, didn''t make light of my feelings and offered constructive opinions and advice.

I also appreciate those of you who shared your stories of having feelings similar to mine. I have really felt lately that I am alone in my depression about getting older, and you have comforted me by letting me know I am not alone in having these feelings. Asscherisme, I can totally relate to your feeling of being invisable. That is EXACTLY how I feel. I feel as if I don''t exist, like I''m not a part of the world. It''s a very surreal feeling. Upgradable, thank you for the tip about the magazine. I will definitely be picking it up, I need all the help I can get!

For those who suggested checking with a doctor, I definitely plan on doing that. There could certainly be a medical aspect to this, and it needs to be looked into. And quite frankly, I am not against anti-depressants if it comes to that.

I agree whole-heartedly with those that have suggested exercise, right now all I do is walk the dog for half and hour every day. It''s funny, back in the 80''s I taught aerobics (yep, leg warmers and head-band ala Olivia Newton-John) and I think it''s the reason I looked so darn good in my 20''s! But it was fun for me back then because I was happy, now exercise is such an effort and a drag because I''m so miserable...it''s a vicious circle.

I love the suggestions about make-up and clothing. My daughter told me awhile back that maybe if I paid attention to how I look, it might make me feel better about myself. She''s pretty insightful for a 20 year old.

I am going to try very hard to look forward to the future as some of you have suggested, and not dread it. this is a tough one for me, I can''t shake the feeling that my life is winding down. Right now it''s hard for me to be optomistic about the future, because I feel as if the future doesn''t hold much for me.

Ira, I am so glad that your cancer scare turned out to be a false alarm! What a frightening experience it must have been for you. And that is exactly why I feel so guilty about this depression...I have my health, that counts for so much. I am wasting good years here fretting over my lost youth. I should be living life to the fullest, and I will try my best to do so.

You have all given me so much to think about, and you have given me hope that I can feel better and enjoy my life a little more. I appreciate all the advice and compassion you''ve shown. Most of all, thank you for listening and really hearing me!

 

[soocool]

June Bug, soon I will be 53. When I turned 50 I decided that it was time for a change. Too many years I spent following everyone else''s rules and trying to please everyone around me. Now it is time for me.

I have to admit, when I was younger I was very hot. 5''9" 120 lbs and a knock out body. Gorgeous long chestnut brown hair and I always tried hard to make sure I didn''t rock the boat. I followed my mom''s rules because that is how nice girls behaved. After I got married I walked on eggshells around my MIL, because it was important for her to like me.

Sometime in my late 40s I had an epiphany! When was I going to start being nice to me and like myself the way I am, not the way others envision me. I had days and weeks that I felt like you do. I became very introspective and wondered what lay ahead of me. I had put on a couple of pounds that rearranged themselves on my body, luckily no wrinkles, but I can see the face sagging a little, the boobs hanging a bit lower. In other words, not the same person as before. But then again at 40 I wasn''t the same as I was at 30, nor 25, or even 16. I wonder if I felt the same at each of these milestones, I don''t remember.

Looks are important to me and I know I will never be 16 again, but I don''t want to look 16 again. I don''t want time to stand still. I want to look hot at 53 and according to my DH and my mirror I still am. Cut my hair to a modern look, got my teeth whitened, exercise (Pilates and Yoga - these do wonders for the body and the mind). When you are fit you somehow feel better about yourself. Also, learn to laugh at yourself. I laugh at the fact that my DH and I finish each other sentences, mainly because we can get out that word that is on the tip of our tongues.

Do stuff that you always wanted to do but had excuses not to. Go and do what makes you happy.Take baby steps if you can''t make that big leap. Forget trying to make everyone around you happy. This is the time to place the focus on you! This is the time to do special things for yourself. Think about what is important to you and just do it. No excuses. Just remember you are still gorgeous, you just have to look at yourself in a different way. Look at yourself through the eyes of a 49 yr old not a 21 yr old and I am positive you will love what you see!

 

[Upgradable]

Date: 9/18/2009 9:17:17 PM
Author: soocool
June Bug, soon I will be 53. When I turned 50 I decided that it was time for a change. Too many years I spent following everyone else''s rules and trying to please everyone around me. Now it is time for me.

I have to admit, when I was younger I was very hot. 5''9'' 120 lbs and a knock out body. Gorgeous long chestnut brown hair and I always tried hard to make sure I didn''t rock the boat. I followed my mom''s rules because that is how nice girls behaved. After I got married I walked on eggshells around my MIL, because it was important for her to like me.

Sometime in my late 40s I had an epiphany! When was I going to start being nice to me and like myself the way I am, not the way others envision me. I had days and weeks that I felt like you do. I became very introspective and wondered what lay ahead of me. I had put on a couple of pounds that rearranged themselves on my body, luckily no wrinkles, but I can see the face sagging a little, the boobs hanging a bit lower. In other words, not the same person as before. But then again at 40 I wasn''t the same as I was at 30, nor 25, or even 16. I wonder if I felt the same at each of these milestones, I don''t remember.

Looks are important to me and I know I will never be 16 again, but I don''t want to look 16 again. I don''t want time to stand still. I want to look hot at 53 and according to my DH and my mirror I still am. Cut my hair to a modern look, got my teeth whitened, exercise (Pilates and Yoga - these do wonders for the body and the mind). When you are fit you somehow feel better about yourself. Also, learn to laugh at yourself. I laugh at the fact that my DH and I finish each other sentences, mainly because we can get out that word that is on the tip of our tongues.

Do stuff that you always wanted to do but had excuses not to. Go and do what makes you happy.Take baby steps if you can''t make that big leap. Forget trying to make everyone around you happy. This is the time to place the focus on you! This is the time to do special things for yourself. Think about what is important to you and just do it. No excuses. Just remember you are still gorgeous, you just have to look at yourself in a different way. Look at yourself through the eyes of a 49 yr old not a 21 yr old and I am positive you will love what you see!

This is an amazing post and a very simple, but profound perspective!!!!!!

 

[junebug17]

Thanks Socool, you have made so many good points. I just have to let go of remembering what I used to look like, and realize that I probably look better than I think!! Hey, I've put on 15 pounds, but 15 pounds in 25 years isn't really that bad! If I really set my mind to it, I could drop at least 10. I'm in total agreement about the exercise, studies show it can actually combat depression. And I'm definitely going to have my teeth whitened, they really bother me and I think it will make a difference in my appearance. I really do need to start focusing on myself, and do what makes me happy.

 

[iluvcarats]

I don''t like getting older, and I especially don''t like my kids getting older. I empathize with you.
The best quote I''ve heard recently pertaining to this is

"Enjoy every minute because no one is getting out of here alive."

 

[Lula]

Junebug, you seem like such a sweet person -- sorry you''re feeling this way!

I, too, have felt the way you feel. I will be 52 in December. Turning 50 was hard. I do feel a little better about it now.

And, yes, some of it is just adding more exercise, improving diet, etc., just to improve your overall health.

But I think it''s also about giving yourself permission to mourn the passing of your youth/beauty. I showed a picture of me (my passport photo -- so not a great photo by any means!) to a friend of mine recently. She''s 32. I was 32 or 33 in the photo. She said "Wow, that''s you???!!!!!????"

Ugghhh.

So, yes, I need to lose a fair amount of weight, and that would help -- but even that won''t bring back the "me" in the passport picture.

What''s really helped me is embracing aging, and looking for role models in the post-50 age group (like Helen Mirren) who don''t try to look "young" but look elegant and refined -- and are sexy because of their age, not in spite of it.

And, it also helps to remember a few benefits to getting older:
1. No more getting ogled and harassed on the street by men -- what a relief to have that behind me. I love being treated with respect by men instead of with "hey, baby" comments.

2. Looking old enough to wear expensive jewelry. And enjoying buying it for myself sometimes, too, not just as a present from DH!

3. Not having to follow the latest clothing fads, and investing in expensive and wonderful classics -- like cashmere and silk pieces instead of faddy clothing. I am also an Eileen Fisher junkie, and keep adding pieces to my collection. I feel like I wear my clothing now; it doesn''t wear me.

4. I really appreciate facials and pedicures and massages a lot more than I used to -- the pampering means more and it seems to rejuvenate my body and spirit a lot more now than when I was younger.

5. And finally, getting a good haircut and color. I''m not quite ready to go gray yet!

6. More time with my friends, now that their children are older (I''m childless by choice).

I guess what I''m saying is each time of life has its upside/downside, and it''s okay to mourn the past a bit, but also remember the benefits of the new stage in life.

 

[tyty333]

Date: 9/18/2009 9:14:22 PM
Author: junebug17
First of all, I want to thank each and every one of you for taking time out of your busy day to offer me words of comfort and advice, I can''t tell you how much I appreciate it. You have all been very understanding and kind...I could see where I could be told to stop my pity party, be thankful for what I have, and get over it. But none of you did, you took me seriously, didn''t make light of my feelings and offered constructive opinions and advice.

I also appreciate those of you who shared your stories of having feelings similar to mine. I have really felt lately that I am alone in my depression about getting older, and you have comforted me by letting me know I am not alone in having these feelings. Asscherisme, I can totally relate to your feeling of being invisable. That is EXACTLY how I feel. I feel as if I don''t exist, like I''m not a part of the world. It''s a very surreal feeling. Upgradable, thank you for the tip about the magazine. I will definitely be picking it up, I need all the help I can get!

For those who suggested checking with a doctor, I definitely plan on doing that. There could certainly be a medical aspect to this, and it needs to be looked into. And quite frankly, I am not against anti-depressants if it comes to that.

I agree whole-heartedly with those that have suggested exercise, right now all I do is walk the dog for half and hour every day. It''s funny, back in the 80''s I taught aerobics (yep, leg warmers and head-band ala Olivia Newton-John) and I think it''s the reason I looked so darn good in my 20''s! But it was fun for me back then because I was happy, now exercise is such an effort and a drag because I''m so miserable...it''s a vicious circle.

I love the suggestions about make-up and clothing. My daughter told me awhile back that maybe if I paid attention to how I look, it might make me feel better about myself. She''s pretty insightful for a 20 year old.

I am going to try very hard to look forward to the future as some of you have suggested, and not dread it. this is a tough one for me, I can''t shake the feeling that my life is winding down. Right now it''s hard for me to be optomistic about the future, because I feel as if the future doesn''t hold much for me.

Ira, I am so glad that your cancer scare turned out to be a false alarm! What a frightening experience it must have been for you. And that is exactly why I feel so guilty about this depression...I have my health, that counts for so much. I am wasting good years here fretting over my lost youth. I should be living life to the fullest, and I will try my best to do so.

You have all given me so much to think about, and you have given me hope that I can feel better and enjoy my life a little more. I appreciate all the advice and compassion you''ve shown. Most of all, thank you for listening and really hearing me!

Oh Junebug...this just cracked me up!

 

[Mara]

i love reading this thread and all the great responses to thinking about getting older and how people view the coming years.

our society does seem to value youth for their beauty over age for their wisdom... and it is hard as a woman to not let that affect you. but the vibrancy of life can take you a long way, further than your age would indicate. i know so many people in their 40's and 50's that act incredibly youthful and that is inspiring. my husband is 41 and sometimes he gets a little down about his age, but i tell him he acts like a 30 year old and he is ecstatic HAHA.

you are definitely not alone... you've gotten great advice here. sometimes the simplest of changes can inspire you...i definitely agree with exercise and staying active, it will also help refresh your mind in incredible ways. it can be hard to get into it and get going, but afterwards you will be so happy you did, you can start a new cycle with that in mind.

 

[violet3]

Junebug,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but it's really not something you should feel ashamed of at all. I am only 33 (ha! I almost typed 32) and I am already feeling some of what you mentioned. Feeling invisible rather than beautiful is a crummy feeling, and I have had similar twinges here and there - this probably sounds rediculous, but it's true.

I think it's natural to feel that way, and I will tell you that I am currently medicated for anxiety, and it has made me feel better about myself in general, even though it has contributed to my extra lbs. that i never had before!

Medication is not for everyone, but I will tell you that i know i am heavier than i've ever been by a few pounds and i still feel better about myself than i did pre-medication. It's just made it a little easier to accept who i am and like myself a bit more, even if objectively i am aware that i might be a bit less attractive to others overall. I wouldn't change it.

I echo those who say talk to your doctor about this - it has done wonders for me in general. (((hugs)))

 

[CJ2008]

I hear you junebug17...

You have gotten some great advice already and it seems that you got some inspiration/hope from listening to what others have said.

Exercise is a biggie for me - as much as I sometimes get bored with the gym, and want to be lazy, as soon as I stop exercising, I go into a downward spiral...I start to feel sluggish, weak, less capable, less attractive, HEAVIER (not so much in "weight" but the way I FEEL). I think the exercise-feel good connection is extremely strong for me, and probably for everyone. Now mind you, I'm still flabby (not so great genetics) - but I look pretty good FOR ME and what MY body is capable of "producing." At times that brings me down (why can't I have good legs?) - but - the alternative is to completely let myself go...not an option. Every time I put on a pair of jeans and I look decent, it gives me motivation to keep going to the gym. And I go only 3-4 times a week, sometimes less - as long as I don't stop all together, I'm fine.

I hope that in addition to your half hour dog walk you add some more exercise into your routine - just go easy on yourself - don't try to do so much that you burn out. Even if you added just 10 minutes of something intense, it will have an effect.

Good luck! And try to remember, we ALL age...nobody escapes it. You gotta do the best you can with your looks and your body - congratulate yourself on making the effort even if you're not perfect.

 

[brightlight]

I''ve always really loved Cyndi Lauper''s song "True Colors." Hopefully, the lyrics below will lift your spirits or inspire you too.

You with the sad eyes
Dont be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And thats why I love you
So dont be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Dont be unhappy, cant remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And youve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know Ill be there

And Ill see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And thats why I love you
So dont be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

(when I last saw you laughing)
If this world makes you crazy
And youve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know Ill be there

And Ill see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And thats why I love you
So dont be afraid to let them show

Your true colors
True colors
True colors
Shining through

I see your true colors
And thats why I love you
So dont be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

 

[junebug17]

Date: 9/19/2009 12:03:10 AM
Author: iluvcarats
I don''t like getting older, and I especially don''t like my kids getting older. I empathize with you.
The best quote I''ve heard recently pertaining to this is

''Enjoy every minute because no one is getting out of here alive.''

I know how you feel, I also feel sadness about my kids getting older. But, you know what, eventually you reach a point where you accept that your kids are older, and you adapt to it. I had a rough time when each of my kids entered high school. But there are a few positive things about having older children...I have more flexibility now, it''s kind of nice to be able to run out to the store or get my hair done whenever I feel like it. I have more freedom now, and more free time, so I can focus on myself a little bit. So hang in there iluvcarats, your children growing up gets easier to accept as time goes on.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 9/19/2009 3:09:08 PM
Author: violet3
Junebug,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but it''s really not something you should feel ashamed of at all. I am only 33 (ha! I almost typed 32) and I am already feeling some of what you mentioned. Feeling invisible rather than beautiful is a crummy feeling, and I have had similar twinges here and there - this probably sounds rediculous, but it''s true.

I think it''s natural to feel that way, and I will tell you that I am currently medicated for anxiety, and it has made me feel better about myself in general, even though it has contributed to my extra lbs. that i never had before!

Medication is not for everyone, but I will tell you that i know i am heavier than i''ve ever been by a few pounds and i still feel better about myself than i did pre-medication. It''s just made it a little easier to accept who i am and like myself a bit more, even if objectively i am aware that i might be a bit less attractive to others overall. I wouldn''t change it.

I echo those who say talk to your doctor about this - it has done wonders for me in general. (((hugs)))

Thanks violet3, I am definitely going to talk to my doctor...I am so glad the medication has worked for you and you feel more like yourself. Thank you for taking the time to share your story, your post is very encouraging to me. It''s funny you mention anxiety, I feel that I experience more than is normal, I wonder if that could be contibuting to my sadness and depression.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 9/19/2009 10:29:01 AM
Author: sarap333
Junebug, you seem like such a sweet person -- sorry you''re feeling this way!

I, too, have felt the way you feel. I will be 52 in December. Turning 50 was hard. I do feel a little better about it now.

And, yes, some of it is just adding more exercise, improving diet, etc., just to improve your overall health.

But I think it''s also about giving yourself permission to mourn the passing of your youth/beauty. I showed a picture of me (my passport photo -- so not a great photo by any means!) to a friend of mine recently. She''s 32. I was 32 or 33 in the photo. She said ''Wow, that''s you???!!!!!????''

Ugghhh.

So, yes, I need to lose a fair amount of weight, and that would help -- but even that won''t bring back the ''me'' in the passport picture.

What''s really helped me is embracing aging, and looking for role models in the post-50 age group (like Helen Mirren) who don''t try to look ''young'' but look elegant and refined -- and are sexy because of their age, not in spite of it.

And, it also helps to remember a few benefits to getting older:
1. No more getting ogled and harassed on the street by men -- what a relief to have that behind me. I love being treated with respect by men instead of with ''hey, baby'' comments.

2. Looking old enough to wear expensive jewelry. And enjoying buying it for myself sometimes, too, not just as a present from DH!

3. Not having to follow the latest clothing fads, and investing in expensive and wonderful classics -- like cashmere and silk pieces instead of faddy clothing. I am also an Eileen Fisher junkie, and keep adding pieces to my collection. I feel like I wear my clothing now; it doesn''t wear me.

4. I really appreciate facials and pedicures and massages a lot more than I used to -- the pampering means more and it seems to rejuvenate my body and spirit a lot more now than when I was younger.

5. And finally, getting a good haircut and color. I''m not quite ready to go gray yet!

6. More time with my friends, now that their children are older (I''m childless by choice).

I guess what I''m saying is each time of life has its upside/downside, and it''s okay to mourn the past a bit, but also remember the benefits of the new stage in life.

Sara, what a wonderful post, so insightful and helpful, thank you! You mentioned clothing...I don''t even know how to dress anymore!! I go to stores and just wander around, I don''t know what''s right for me anymore! I definitley avoid dressing like my 20 year old daughter. I''m having trouble finding a middle ground. I don''t know if you''ve ever seen the show "Reba" but I really like how Reba McIntyre dresses in that show, so that''s been my model lately.

You are right, there are advantages to getting older, I have to say that I''m enjoying the extra time to myself that I have now that my kids are older. I have to embrace getting older instead of fearing it, as so many of you have said.

 

[junebug17]

Brightlight, I LOVE that song, it is so beautiful!! And very appropriate for what I'm going through, I'm going to put it on my ipod!

 

[luv2sparkle]

Junebug-I feel it too! I will be turning 50 in 30 days! I struggle with it many days. Most of the time I feel like a puddle waiting to happen! Everyday stuff seems a
little harder cuz that big day is getting closer and closer. My son left today for his second year at college and I have been bawling my eyes out all day!! I thought it
would be easier in year 2!

There are many things I dont like when I look in the mirror. I am not sure I will be able to change all of them. For sure not many really matter in comparison to
health but it is hard nonetheless. The best we can do at some point needs to be enough. We are all so hard on ourselves. But if we do get to the end of our lives
a little sooner than we planned, or many years down the road I dont think our last thoughts will be of how we looked but how we loved. I wish you much love.

We all by into the lie that we are what we look like. It is the culture we live in. It is very hard to avoid. But the truth is we are so much more than that. We are
defined by who we are inside. That is what lives on in memories and in the people who love us. Have you ever heard anyone say about someone they lost, "She
was just so beautiful, that was what I loved about her".

Truthfully, sometimes this comforts me sometimes not so much.

So change the things you can and try to let the rest go at least sometimes. But most of all, know you are not alone.

 

[Lula]

Hi, Junebug, glad I could be of help. Yes, I've seen Reba's show. She is always "pulled together" -- hair, makeup, clothes. She's got her own clothing line:
link

The way I dress now is to find a brand (or brands) that fits me (!) and I stick with that brand and build on it. I no longer go from store to store and randomly pick up whatever's on sale. I now buy clothes twice a year and build on what I already own. A trusted friend and I go together, and we are ruthless with each other -- which helps each of us get a better perspective on what styles/colors look best on us. And then I don't buy too much in between my major shopping trips. It was hard to spend the cash all at one time, but the end result was that I got matching outfits instead of random pieces.

I only keep the current season's clothes in my closet and I store or give away anything that doesn't fit. There's nothing worse that staring at a closet full of clothes that no longer fit!

It really makes getting dressed easier, it's much quicker for me to put together an outfit that looks sharp, and this helps me avoid going out looking sloppy -- an immediate mood booster!

So, if your daughter or a good friend of yours is particularly good with fashion, it may help to ask that person to help you weed out the things in your closet that need to go and also go shopping with you to help you get started on building your "new look."

I'll never forget shopping with another friend of mine named Susannah, whose youngest child had just started school. She tried on an outfit and I said "That really looks like a Susannah outfit" and she said to me, "I don't even know what a 'Susannah outfit' is anymore; I've been so busy raising small children that I lost my sense of style." She did get her sense of style back, btw, but that experience has always served as a reminder to me to set aside some time to work on "me."

Women are such givers in this society; it's hard to justify taking the time we need to stay in touch with who we are as individuals, and that's one reason I think we feel empty and sad when we face a new chapter in life.

On another note, I never knew there were so many 40+ PSer's!!

 

[oddoneout]

Date: 9/18/2009 9:17:17 PM
Author: soocool
June Bug, soon I will be 53. When I turned 50 I decided that it was time for a change. Too many years I spent following everyone else''s rules and trying to please everyone around me. Now it is time for me.


I have to admit, when I was younger I was very hot. 5''9'' 120 lbs and a knock out body. Gorgeous long chestnut brown hair and I always tried hard to make sure I didn''t rock the boat. I followed my mom''s rules because that is how nice girls behaved. After I got married I walked on eggshells around my MIL, because it was important for her to like me.


Sometime in my late 40s I had an epiphany! When was I going to start being nice to me and like myself the way I am, not the way others envision me. I had days and weeks that I felt like you do. I became very introspective and wondered what lay ahead of me. I had put on a couple of pounds that rearranged themselves on my body, luckily no wrinkles, but I can see the face sagging a little, the boobs hanging a bit lower. In other words, not the same person as before. But then again at 40 I wasn''t the same as I was at 30, nor 25, or even 16. I wonder if I felt the same at each of these milestones, I don''t remember.


Looks are important to me and I know I will never be 16 again, but I don''t want to look 16 again. I don''t want time to stand still. I want to look hot at 53 and according to my DH and my mirror I still am. Cut my hair to a modern look, got my teeth whitened, exercise (Pilates and Yoga - these do wonders for the body and the mind). When you are fit you somehow feel better about yourself. Also, learn to laugh at yourself. I laugh at the fact that my DH and I finish each other sentences, mainly because we can get out that word that is on the tip of our tongues.


Do stuff that you always wanted to do but had excuses not to. Go and do what makes you happy.Take baby steps if you can''t make that big leap. Forget trying to make everyone around you happy. This is the time to place the focus on you! This is the time to do special things for yourself. Think about what is important to you and just do it. No excuses. Just remember you are still gorgeous, you just have to look at yourself in a different way. Look at yourself through the eyes of a 49 yr old not a 21 yr old and I am positive you will love what you see!

I totally agree with all this advice. What an amazing epiphany.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 9/18/2009 9:17:17 PM
Author: soocool
June Bug, soon I will be 53. When I turned 50 I decided that it was time for a change. Too many years I spent following everyone else''s rules and trying to please everyone around me. Now it is time for me.

I have to admit, when I was younger I was very hot. 5''9'' 120 lbs and a knock out body. Gorgeous long chestnut brown hair and I always tried hard to make sure I didn''t rock the boat. I followed my mom''s rules because that is how nice girls behaved. After I got married I walked on eggshells around my MIL, because it was important for her to like me.

Sometime in my late 40s I had an epiphany! When was I going to start being nice to me and like myself the way I am, not the way others envision me. I had days and weeks that I felt like you do. I became very introspective and wondered what lay ahead of me. I had put on a couple of pounds that rearranged themselves on my body, luckily no wrinkles, but I can see the face sagging a little, the boobs hanging a bit lower. In other words, not the same person as before. But then again at 40 I wasn''t the same as I was at 30, nor 25, or even 16. I wonder if I felt the same at each of these milestones, I don''t remember.

Looks are important to me and I know I will never be 16 again, but I don''t want to look 16 again. I don''t want time to stand still. I want to look hot at 53 and according to my DH and my mirror I still am. Cut my hair to a modern look, got my teeth whitened, exercise (Pilates and Yoga - these do wonders for the body and the mind). When you are fit you somehow feel better about yourself. Also, learn to laugh at yourself. I laugh at the fact that my DH and I finish each other sentences, mainly because we can get out that word that is on the tip of our tongues.

Do stuff that you always wanted to do but had excuses not to. Go and do what makes you happy.Take baby steps if you can''t make that big leap. Forget trying to make everyone around you happy. This is the time to place the focus on you! This is the time to do special things for yourself. Think about what is important to you and just do it. No excuses. Just remember you are still gorgeous, you just have to look at yourself in a different way. Look at yourself through the eyes of a 49 yr old not a 21 yr old and I am positive you will love what you see!

I like this a lot...

 

[violet3]

Date: 9/19/2009 9:49:45 PM
Author: junebug17

Date: 9/19/2009 3:09:08 PM
Author: violet3
Junebug,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but it's really not something you should feel ashamed of at all. I am only 33 (ha! I almost typed 32) and I am already feeling some of what you mentioned. Feeling invisible rather than beautiful is a crummy feeling, and I have had similar twinges here and there - this probably sounds rediculous, but it's true.

I think it's natural to feel that way, and I will tell you that I am currently medicated for anxiety, and it has made me feel better about myself in general, even though it has contributed to my extra lbs. that i never had before!

Medication is not for everyone, but I will tell you that i know i am heavier than i've ever been by a few pounds and i still feel better about myself than i did pre-medication. It's just made it a little easier to accept who i am and like myself a bit more, even if objectively i am aware that i might be a bit less attractive to others overall. I wouldn't change it.

I echo those who say talk to your doctor about this - it has done wonders for me in general. (((hugs)))

Thanks violet3, I am definitely going to talk to my doctor...I am so glad the medication has worked for you and you feel more like yourself. Thank you for taking the time to share your story, your post is very encouraging to me. It's funny you mention anxiety, I feel that I experience more than is normal, I wonder if that could be contibuting to my sadness and depression.

Junebug, I don't usually disclose a ton of information about myself here, but I wanted to share this with you regarding your above highlighted thought....

I really think anxiety could be contributing honestly. My anxiety had become overwhelming in the last few years - i've always been a worrier, but due to some life circumstances, It just got really bad and difficult to handle. I just often felt like i would never get it all under control and think rationally about things again. Not only did I feel badly about lots of things in life, then I felt ashamed and embarassed for feeling that way.

My sister has been trying to get me on some anti-anxiety drugs for a couple of years, and i was really resistant - i don't like having to be on medication. But I will say, I am awfully sorry I resisted for so long. It has really helped me. I wouldn't say that i don't have anxiety anymore - that will probably never happen. But it is really much more manageable now. For example, things that made me really panicky, now make me uncomfortable, but i can conquer them head on with a more normal approach. It just, essentially, takes the edge off for me, so I can handle stressful/sad situations at a normal capacity. My doctor just saw me for the first time in a few months and she really agreed.

The only negative side effect i've had from the drugs is weight gain --- or rather, an inability to get weight off. I would say as a result of the depression i had been feeling, i had put some weight on and i've found that no matter what i've done to get it off, it's not really budging

. It's really irritating. I was even concerned i wouldn't be able to fit into my wedding dress

But i chatted with my doctor and she said i'll just have to be way more diligent with reigning in the food consumption. I think both FI and myself would agree that a few lbs heavier is far more attractive than the emotional state i was in last winter (or at least that's what i'm telling myself

). I guess the truth is that I KNOW objectively I don't look quite as good as i used to - but i feel so much better, it's just not bothering me (too much).

I hope to not have to be on these meds forever. But having experienced the alternative, if i have to then i have to.

Please feel free to ask any questions that you have - I am happy to answer. Also, pre medication, my doctor put me on a vitamin combination that is said to mimic the anti-anxiety drugs naturally. She said a combination of a B-complex vitamin and Calcium is a mood booster and often helps with anxiety/depression etc. (normal daily doses of both, per the bottle instructions). Maybe ask your doctor about this, if you aren't sure about the meds. I will say, however, for me it didn't do a whole lot - i think i was past that point.

 

[perry]

Junebug...

Please don''t be depressed about it.... but I do understand that line of thought (which I once went down very briefly).

So here is the deal.... Life is what you make of it - and its a journey.

I too have suffered some physical issues that now mean that I cannot do what I used to do - or at least do them in the same way. So what? Just figure out how to work arround the issues.

While I do enjoy looking at a good looking gal - the facial expression and attitutes far outweigh what the body looks like. I''ll take someone with a great attitude and a happy face (scars and wrinkle included) than someone with a dynamite body who''s face and attitudes tell me another story.

One issue that I see far to often is people give up on life. What is your dream - what is it you wish to accomplish in life? Sometimes we have to modify that a bit - but that does not mean that we cannot have things to strive for - no matter what our age or condition.

Another issue - that we all have to face at some point - is that sometime we will die. It is actually part of being able to live. You cannot have life unless you have death. It is up to us to lead a good productive life - and remember, that we need not skid into death with a perfect body. Instead, it is just fine to skid in with a used up body and have the ability to say - what a life I''ve lived; and what people (or cause) I''ve helped along the way.

Have a great day,

Perry

 

[Gayletmom]

Junebug, I''m so glad that you posted and that you were able to open up about how you are feeling. You have gotten some really good advice from several posters and I just want to reiterate the suggestions for more exercise and opening the door to medication as a possible tool. I find that when I don''t exercise regularly (as much as I sometimes hate it) I start on this downward slope of sluggishness and mailaise. I don''t know how to describe it but I just feel really yucky and down and the little things in life really get to me. Now that I have recognized that in myself, it''s easier for me to keep it from happening. I am also a firm believer in using anti-depressants or anti- anxieties when appropriate. Please do talk to your doc and if you don''t get relief, talk to another.

Btw, I turned 45 yesterday and I know what you mean about aging. I suppose there is something in many of us women that equates our self-worth with how we look and how attractive we think we are to others. It''s not a pleasant thing to admit but that doesn''t make it easier!

Hang in there girl and show yourself some love and tlc.

 

[radiantquest]

Sorry I am a liitle late, but I wanted to be in the right place to give my opinion and usually when I am on here I am at work and this is a personal thing to me and I wanted to be able to take my time with this. First of all I am 27. I will admit that I am not where you are in life and truly I wish I were. When I see a woman with crows feet, small wrinkles around her mouth, a few age spots, all those things I smile. To me those are signs of wisdom. I think that is because the two women that I love and respect the most in my life had those things. My grandmother and my dear friend. They are both very beautiful, more beautiful than any woman on Peoples best dressed or whatever list they put out every year. I am really having a hard time here. I have tears in my eyes....I understand that you think you are not as beautiful as you once were, but to many you are just as or are more beautiful because of who you are now.

My grandmother is a SAHM. She was a Mary Kay sales consultant. Even though as she aged she gave it up and sometimes she did not leave the house she got up everyday, took a shower and got dressed. She kept her hair colored and done.She is very clever and smart. One of the most beautiful people I know.

My dear friend is used to work with. She is amazing. Also very clever and smart. So classy. She is one of those women that somehow always looks put together. She has gray hair that she keeps cut short in a sassy do. She is in her 60''s and is the most beautiful person I know, easily. She is comfortable with who she is. She doesn''t try and pretend that she is younger than she is. She embraces her age and makes the best of it. Simply gorgeous.

My point in telling you this is that if I had a choice I would prefer to be older with class and wisdom and smarts with a few wrinkles to being in my twenties climbing the uphill battle learning along the way. Sweetie, you should look in the mirror and down at your hands and be proud that you have aged and look back and see how far you have come and what you have learned. Chin up. See about the depression medication, exercise too, that will help boost your mood and soon you will feel and look and be fabulous!

 

[junebug17]

Thanks to everyone for their wonderful responses! Wow, I have gotten so much support and advice, i can''t tell you how much I appreciate it!

Sara: you described how I shop perfectly!!! I wander around aimlessly, browse through the sales racks, buy a few odds and ends, then look at them when I get home and wonder why the heck I bought them! My sister shops as you do, she buys things that coordinate and always has a nice outfit to wear. She always looks so well put together. I will definitely do this, the initial investment will sting a little, but it will be well worth it to not have to rummage through my closet looking for something to wear! Thanks for the link to Reba''s website, I saw some things that I really like. I work in a very casual atmosphere, and can wear jeans, so some of the tops and sweaters will work really well for me.

Violet3: Thank you SO much for sharing your experience with me! I can really relate to your story, I have always been a nervous person who stresses out easily, and it has gotten worse as I''ve gotten older. I seem to overly stress out even over minor, day to day situations. I come home from work physically and mentally exhausted because of the constant anxiety I feel, and I don''t have a very stressful job!!! I am definitely going to explore this with my doctor. Like you, I know it''s impossible to rid myself completely of anxiety, it''s a part of life, but it would be great to be able to react to stress in a more normal way.

Perry: Thanks for offering a different perspective of my situation! Your post reminded me that there is so much more to a person than just their physical appearance. And you''re right, I need to set some goals for myself so I don''t feel as if I am just mindlessly floating through the remainder of my life. Another poster suggested getting involved with helping others, and I plan to. Maybe getting involved with others will keep me from focusing so much on my own problems.

Gayle: I am going to work on exercising more, I know that it can literally combat depression, and I know once I start it''s going to make such a difference. You are right about appearance and self-worth. When I was younger, much of my self-worth came from my looks. It sounds so shallow, but it''s true, I didn''t think there was anything else of value about me. And then I was so busy raising my children that I didn''t think about my appearance that much, I got my feelings of self-worth from being the best mother I could be. Now that my looks are gone and my children are older, I feel like an empty shell. But I know that it doesn''t have to be that way. I know I can combat the emptiness, I just have to start helping myself.

Radiantquest: your post literally brought tears to my eyes!! I can''t tell you how much your words touched me! Thank you for reminding me that being older doesn''t mean I don''t have value, that experience and wisdom count for something. I feel like I am still struggling, but your post has given me hope!

 

[MonkeyPie]

Something to think about - reading this thread I saw a lot of posters that admitted their age, and I have never ONCE thought any of them were anywhere near the age they really are! Personality comes through online, and to me, everyone seems youthful and happy

 

[CNOS128]

I''m sorry you''re feeling this way, Junebug, and I''m so glad you''ve gotten wonderful support from wonderful PSers. You''re definitely not alone -- I thought this recent Maureen Dowd column was interesting. Link!

 

[Fly Girl]

Date: 9/20/2009 10:44:28 PM
Author: MonkeyPie
Something to think about - reading this thread I saw a lot of posters that admitted their age, and I have never ONCE thought any of them were anywhere near the age they really are! Personality comes through online, and to me, everyone seems youthful and happy

Aren't you a sweety, MoneyPie! I figured our handshots were dead giveaways.

Hang in there, junebug. You need something new to do with yourself, and you have lots of great ideas here. I color my hair, whiten my teeth, tighten up the bra, attend yoga classes, and in general, there is just more upkeep necessary to stay looking good. I look at my 80 year old mother, and my 83 year old father, and I figure if I am doing as well as they are in a few years, things will be just fine. So, find some inspiration and look to the future, not the past.