Conflicted about a sticky situation.

[Gypsy]

Hmm, where to start? How about with the unemotional stuff (easier)...

The damage on the rug is minimal and honestly if you didn't know to look for it you wouldn't notice that four of the 2 inch flower patches are less full than the 100's of others. No bodily fluids (I don't, yet, have any who spray and they prefer to throw up on bedding ) and no holes. Still needs a good de-furing as Duncan's other favorite activity was to flop around on his back making sure the navy background turned beige to match him. It was purchased by my Aunt when her husband was stationed in Turkey for work. But it's a persian rug from Nain, so no upgrades there. DARN IT! Consignment is a good suggestion, but we have a friend of a friend who loves them and will get first dibs on it.

I promise to post again later to respond to the more emotional stuff.

 

[Gypsy]

To explain the cat scratching see the pic below at the red portions. On my rug the center of all these 'flowers' are pure silk. He ONLY scratched on the pure silk parts of certain flowers ( ) .So if we caught him scratching on one it was easy to cover it with a scratcher or to rotate the rug if one started looking thin. He was VERY precise with his scratching. And also because it was silk it didn't resist much so it didn't get stuck and pulled out as it would have if he had scratched on the wool parts. Strange but true.

No holes though.

 

[mrscushion]

Not a question about it: sell that darn rug, buy yourself the watch, and celebrate!

 

[JulieN]

Not that this helps your situation, but it is gorgeous!

 

[VRBeauty]

It was purchased by my Aunt when her husband was stationed in Turkey for work. But it's a persian rug from Nain, so no upgrades there. DARN IT! Consignment is a good suggestion, but we have a friend of a friend who loves them and will get first dibs on it.

Is it a family piece of some sort, or did your mother commission your aunt to buy the rug specifically to give it to you? Does she have some sort of sentimental attachment to the rug, or was she maybe actually buying you something she might want for herself? In other words - might it be an option to get it appraised, and then give her first right of refusal, before you sell it to some (to her) stranger? (one bonus to this approach - you don't have to worry about when she'll ask about the rug and force that conversation!)

 

[Gypsy]

It was purchased by my Aunt when her husband was stationed in Turkey for work. But it's a persian rug from Nain, so no upgrades there. DARN IT! Consignment is a good suggestion, but we have a friend of a friend who loves them and will get first dibs on it.

Is it a family piece of some sort, or did your mother commission your aunt to buy the rug specifically to give it to you? Does she have some sort of sentimental attachment to the rug, or was she maybe actually buying you something she might want for herself? In other words - might it be an option to get it appraised, and then give her first right of refusal, before you sell it to some (to her) stranger? (one bonus to this approach - you don't have to worry about when she'll ask about the rug and force that conversation!)

Nope. Mom has a persian rug or two in each room of the house that she wants one and she's been to both Iran and Turkey and gotten her own rugs in person and they look nothing like mine. All our rugs are from overseas as we have family there that comes over several times a year, plus my Aunt's husband was stationed in Turkey for years. I'm not kidding when I say I will inherit like 20 of the things. My mom has at least 6 now and she sold off 4 she had gotten as wedding presents (kept one). One of my aunts has another 6 or 7-- all of which are mine (she doesn't have kids). And my uncle (also no kids) has told me I get half of his and at least count he was up to 10 in his 5000 square foot house.

The ONLY rug I really love is a 6x7 rug that my grandmother has in her bedroom that used to be my grandfather's I've been told I ONLY get after my uncle passes on to his reward. It's the one I originally wanted when they said I was getting a rug. And it is the nicest rug my family owns. I ADORE IT.

Conversation regarding getting my rug went something like this (after months of objecting of ANY expensive rug as a gift).

Your aunt is looking for a rug for you in Turkey and your great aunt is looking for you in Iran. What do you want or should I just tell them to get you the best one she can find and surprise you.

Mom, IF I HAVE TO HAVE ONE can you AT LEAST get me one in colors and a pattern I can handle? I don't like the Tabriz rugs everyone has. I don't want a pink, salmon, purple, apricot , etc. colors.

Okay what do you want?

And I proceeded to be picky, because at that point I was being passive aggressive and difficult because well, I didn't want a rug and now I had to pick one. I like red based rugs, but not the red and navy combined ones (realistically the majority of red rugs without navy are like 400 year old antiques that cost the earth). My favorite rugs are from Isfahan but the ones in budget were smaller than she wanted to get me (I was fine with the size of them, btw). I like rugs from Mashad but they are hard to find in the emerald color base I like and there weren't any nice ones found at that time in the markets... it took MONTHS and went on until the current rug was found. I hadn't outlawed navy and cream and I DO like the Nain patterns MUCH better than many regions and a few months later it was in my possession.

So absolutely NO emotional value attached to it from a family piece perspective.

I'm not planning on having kids and if I do I can pass on one of the MULTITUDE of rugs I will inherit.

 

[Gypsy]

Not that this helps your situation, but it is gorgeous!

It's just a google photo to illustrate the cat's wacky scratching. Mine looks like it in color and the pattern (same region and exact color palette) outside the medallion. Heck it could be very similar in the medallion as well, I haven't seen mine in 4 years and cannot for the life of me remember what the medallion looks like right now.


Thank you mscushion!

 

[somethingshiny]

Since you're not thinking of selling it for something you NEED, I'd just stuff it back in the attic or basement. When it's long out of her mind, sell it. Selling the rug at this point will do nothing to help your relationship.

 

[VRBeauty]

Since you're not thinking of selling it for something you NEED, I'd just stuff it back in the attic or basement. When it's long out of her mind, sell it. Selling the rug at this point will do nothing to help your relationship.

I disagree with the bold part - selling the rug is being honest and it will have the effect of establishing boundaries. It might be painful and "damaging" to your relationship with your mother in the short term, but it will allow for more honest communication in the long run. Think of it this way: what it might damage are the parts of your relationship where she sees you and an extension of herself, and where you don't speak up because it might offend or anger her. The love you have for each other will not be damaged, and if you do buy that watch, her love and respect for you will be represented by something you'll use and see regularly.

 

[somethingshiny]

I stand by my original statement. I was trying to be diplomatic about it and not offensive. But, the bottom line is Mom is really materialistic. You can be totally honest VERBALLY without bringing material possessions into the equation. Materialistic people have strange connections to things. That's why Mom was so upset about the THOUGHT of selling the rug. So, IMO, Mom can deal with an honest conversation about WHY she doesn't want the rug but would not handle the actual PARTING with the rug. Selling the rug is effectively punishing Mom. She was trying to do something nice. She bought something more expensive because to her that equals better. She wanted her daughter to have the best., a status symbol, whatever. There's no need to punish her.

 

[rosetta]

Oh my. That rug is so beautiful. And in my living room colours too. Sigh.

Yeah, sell it. Someone else will adore it. Like me.

 

[movie zombie]

the good news: you're looking at watches and exploring options!!!!!!!

keep doing this and your mantras until its gone.

you cannot keep everything to give to your child when grown.....and geez what if you did and after all that time your kid didn't like it any better than you and was wondering what to do with this rug that had been in the family ages but just doesn't go with the decor or is the kid's style?!

your mother did what she wanted when she bought it after being told you didn't want it. now its your turn to do what you want......and not feel any guilt! you are in charge of your own emotions, too, G.

eta: and i really like this from VR: selling the rug is being honest and it will have the effect of establishing boundaries

 

[texaskj]

My grandmother was like this. Gifts always came with strings or conditions. Things would be so much easier if everyone understood the true meaning of gift giving. You give it and it becomes the recipient's to do with as they please. That's not an easy thing for a lot of people to do.

 

[Gypsy]

the good news: you're looking at watches and exploring options!!!!!!!

keep doing this and your mantras until its gone.

you cannot keep everything to give to your child when grown.....and geez what if you did and after all that time your kid didn't like it any better than you and was wondering what to do with this rug that had been in the family ages but just doesn't go with the decor or is the kid's style?!

your mother did what she wanted when she bought it after being told you didn't want it. now its your turn to do what you want......and not feel any guilt! you are in charge of your own emotions, too, G.

eta: and i really like this from VR: selling the rug is being honest and it will have the effect of establishing boundaries

Agree. I think this and VR and several others nutshells it for me.

I have a bad association with it. And I'm already trying to re-write the entirety of my law school years so that I can see them with something other than bitterness and regret (except for meeting DH) and accept them for something other than a failure to be true to myself.

That's a LOT. Trust me. The rug is something that is making that harder not easier.

I'm not responsible for my mom's feelings and I'm not being cruel or mean. I'm being honest, like I've always been about the rug. And I'm being true to myself and not trying to pretzel myself into a mold that my mother cast at my birth that I've never fit.

And that's all okay. I'm in charge of my feelings and my feelings say: sell it and you will be happier. And they also say, "thank you PSers for helping me listen to myself, I'm not great at it yet, but I'm learning." Guilt is ingrained and entrenched in my very soul by my family and it's so hard not allow it to control me. But your words have really helped me with that in relation to the rug.

So that's what I'm going to do. I had DH put it in the car already and I am planning on dragging him to Palo Alto to see about getting it looked at for an appraisal tomorrow. Once I have that in hand, I will offer it to the family friend at a price I think is reasonable. And if I don't... rosetta can buy it. ROFLMAO. Just kidding.

But you get the point.

ETA: Also, in specifically getting a watch, which is what I originally wanted, I am establishing a clear boundary and what is says is, "I am ME. Not an extension of you. I have my own ideas and opinions about what makes me happy and that is NOT GOING TO CHANGE." I think getting a watch specifically is important because the reason she didn't get me one (or what she said, anyway) is because I was too young to know what I wanted that she KNEW that in the long run I would be happier with a rug. Well, it's ...9 years after graduation and I still want a nice watch FOR MY GRADUATION. This is my way of re-writing that part and making it mine. I am the one who studied and worked hard for those years and this is MY reward, my symbol of accomplishment. And it is going to take the form I want it to.

And if that's entitled, I'm okay with that too in this case.

Go me. Now I've just got to figure out where in the hells I've stuck my framed JD and stick it up on the wall in the office and OWN IT.

 

[Verdy]

Gypsy - In all honesty I think it's best if you sold the rug. The only purpose it serves is to be a constant reminder of your tumultuous relationship with your mother, and it's not healthy to have it (figuratively) hanging over your shoulder. Clearly you don't associate any type of good feelings with it, it just brings back harmful memories to you. Sometimes we try so hard to make others happy that we forget about ourselves. We forget that we too deserve to have some happiness in our lives. And it sounds like you've been trying so hard to make your mother happy for most of your life that you've left yourself behind. I say sell the rug, buy yourself a nifty new watch to your own tastes, and don't let anyone put a damper on you for doing so.

 

[Gypsy]

Gypsy - In all honesty I think it's best if you sold the rug. The only purpose it serves is to be a constant reminder of your tumultuous relationship with your mother, and it's not healthy to have it (figuratively) hanging over your shoulder. Clearly you don't associate any type of good feelings with it, it just brings back harmful memories to you. Sometimes we try so hard to make others happy that we forget about ourselves. We forget that we too deserve to have some happiness in our lives. And it sounds like you've been trying so hard to make your mother happy for most of your life that you've left yourself behind. I say sell the rug, buy yourself a nifty new watch to your own tastes, and don't let anyone put a damper on you for doing so.

Yeah. I get that a lot. And you are right. Thank you so much honey for validating that for me. I needed to hear it. And need to keep hearing it.

((HUGS))

 

[Dreamer_D]

how big is it? some hang such things on their wall........

actually, i think you should sell it and get the watch. she's an adult and responsible for her own emotions.

good luck!

eta: you could donate it to a charity to be used as an auction item and take a tax write off?

Yuppers!

 

[Dreamer_D]

And now that I read the whole thread....

I have a rule I try to live by. Sometimes it is harder than others. But basically, you are responsible for your own thoughts feelings and behaviors, and other people are responsible for theirs. Of course, it is more nuanced that that, but the applicable offshoot of this POV is that if you are behaving in a way that most people find reasonable, then if someone else chooses to respond to your behavior in an inappropriate, crazy, or unreasonable way, that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

In this case, we all here agree that you are allowed to do what you please with your possessions, including gifts from your mother. Of course, you would be sensitive to her feelings, perhaps say "Oh mom the cats were ruining it and so I sold it!" rather than, "It was a piece of crap!" But if she chooses to respond inappropriately to your choice, it is not your issue. It is hers.

And I guess that way of looking at things is about boundaries, and deliniating what in life is yours to control (usually *only* your own thoughts and feelings, not much else) and what is not yours to control (everythng else).

 

[movie zombie]

once you make up your mind you move! its already in the car! bye bye rug, hello watch!

side note: if you've had it rolled up and stored for so many years, maybe she won't even notice its gone........

 

[Octavia]

Gypsy, I too think you should sell the rug. Yes, it's something your mother gave you, but it is just a thing. An object. Not your mother, or you, or a true representation of either of you. If it brings negative energy, it's not worth keeping for the sake of obligation, guilt, whatever.

When my DH and I got married, we had "5-year rule." If we couldn't see people still being important to us in five years, they didn't get invited, regardless of the current relationship. It caused a bit of annoyance in the family, as most of my cousins weren't invited and one set of aunt/uncle got bit squiffy about it. But we're not close to my cousins and I honestly couldn't care less if they were there or not, so they didn't get allocated any of our (precious and scarce) space. People got over it. Now that we're moving, I have tried to abide by the five-year rule, too -- if I can't see us using something in the next five years, it doesn't come along. Period. So, I would say that if you don't see yourself using this rug within the next five years, it should go and stop taking up storage space. Let someone who loves it use it. No shame in that.

side note: if you've had it rolled up and stored for so many years, maybe she won't even notice its gone........

As for this, I actually think I kind of agree. I wouldn't tell your mom immediately that you sold the rug. Wait until she asks about it, and then say "oh, remember when I mentioned selling it, well I did." She might be *shocked* that you actually went through with it, but the seed has been planted so she can't fake too much surprise. But I don't really see what good would come of rubbing it in right away, since I don't think she's going to learn anything from it, she'll just use it as an excuse to play the martyr. But that's no reason you shouldn't do what is right for you.

 

[PositivelyPeanut]

It IS a flipping gorgeous watch, isn't it?

Yes, indeedy, it IS.

I'm happy that you're in a good place about the rug, Gypsy. FWIW, I agree with not holding onto something out of obligation or guilt. I used to do that with presents as well. I stopped when I made my rule: If it doesn't make me happy when I look at it and/or it's not useful, out it goes. It makes the keep/throw decisions really easy and feels really great to know that the things we don't love will go to homes where they will be. Win-win for everyone.

So what time is it?

 

[Gypsy]

It IS a flipping gorgeous watch, isn't it?

Yes, indeedy, it IS.

I'm happy that you're in a good place about the rug, Gypsy. FWIW, I agree with not holding onto something out of obligation or guilt. I used to do that with presents as well. I stopped when I made my rule: If it doesn't make me happy when I look at it and/or it's not useful, out it goes. It makes the keep/throw decisions really easy and feels really great to know that the things we don't love will go to homes where they will be. Win-win for everyone.

So what time is it?

I talked to DH about it and since we never had a honeymoon and are both jonsing for a vacation... If it sells a watch isn't guaranteed. We MAY opt for a few weeks somewhere relaxing and fun. Funny but true.

Octavia great rule about the wedding. We had a first cousin cut off, very reasonable. And people still got ticked and the funny thing is that even if I'd had DOUBLE the budget and space in the venue, they are people it STILL never would have thought to invite them at all. People are strange.

 

[MissStepcut]

I wrote out a longer response but I'll just say... I can relate to your conflicted feelings about gifts and hope we both find peace about it.

 

[HopeDream]

Gypsy, the rug is making you miserable every time you see it or think about it - it's gotta go! Life it too short.

Your mom loves you, and she'll get over it. If it makes her unhappy, it might even encourage her to think more carefully about what she gets you.

Buy the watch. It's what you really want.

You can do it, I believe in you!
(I'm pretty sure you'vealready made your decision and now you're just figuring out how to go through with it.)

 

[dogmama]

Gypsy, I can totally relate (oh, the things I could tell you about *my* mom) and I think it's hard to do something in the face of such heavy emotional chains. Especially when it's been life long.

As crazy as this sounds, maybe selling the rug and getting the watch will be a physical emancipation from this. It's not the same as reversing time and deciding not to go to law school, but its a big step for you in the present. Wearing the Omega (btw my husband has one and loves it!) will also remind you not only of time, but also of owning your decisions and that in the future, your time and your decisions are what you make of it, free of your mom's influence.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I didn't read the entire thread so forgive me if I am repeating another poster. I know you and know your difficult relationship with your mother. I know it causes you pain and regret. You are not, never have been, never will be, responsible for your mother's happiness. I doubt you would EVER, EVER live up to her expectations (based on other situations). I am sure she loves you in the way she can. You turned out great so she must have done something right Now it is time to let go or be dragged. It's not about the rug. It's about her control issues. It's about your fear that you feel she does not think you are good enough. Most of our "issues" come from our families origin. Kinda freaks out the mom in me. So remember, you are not responsible for your mother's reactions, emotions, fears, etc. You can only control what fits in your hula hoop. Also I love the acronym (and use it often), QTIP. Quit Taking It Personally. It is probably not about you. Never was. Time to start making your own decisions. Love ya.

ETA: You might find "The New Codependency" a useful read. Would help you find your voice.

 

[Gypsy]

Tacori, I'll check that out. Thank you honey.

Thank you lily, I took your words to heart.

Hi HopeDream: I have made up my mind, but hearing your thoughts is very important to me.

Thank you MissS.

I went to two appraisers today. I only got a verbal at one place because I got a weird vibe (hard to explain) and since I wanted the rug cleaned/washed professionally (to get any remaining cat hair and dander off plus they will air it out after it being wrapped up for so long in cedar) and that requires leaving it I went with the place I felt better about. The figure I got at the first place was 8K the second place gave me a 7k value and had reasons for the pricing and showed me other rugs that were above and below the price point (not in retail pricing but if they were in the same condition as mine which is apparently "excellent" [or will be after it's cleaned and aired out] but still pre-owned and not an antique). The first place was just weird. I was surprised to see my rug rolled out, my recall of what it looks like sucked. I wasn't smart enough to get a picture, but I can look on google and post a pic of a similar rug.

He was very knowledgeable and he really liked the rug and said it's a fabulous example of a Nain rug. I didn't tell him I wanted to sell it after we completed talk of realistic values (wholesale, retail, and insurance... we discussed all three). He did say he'd consign it and I could expect to get 5K or more out of the consignment (that was with a percentage was around 35%, but I told him if I did consign we'd have to talk about something closer to 20% and he said there's room to talk and we could talk about it after the rug cleaning).

The guy said that I should be able to "comfortably" ask $5,500 K for it just selling it myself and that if he were me, considering the condition, I should ask for more because it's worth it. And that anything under 4,500 would be theft.

So... I'll get DH to get some good pics of it after it's been gussied up and I'll take it from there.

I do think we'll do a nice trip. We talked about a cruise today and I really want a honeymoon. And if I do get 5K at least, We can do a cruise and I can still get the least expensive Georg watch (1000) and ALSO still donate money to charity. Which would work out perfectly.

So... wish me luck? I've been having a run of bad luck these last two weeks and I could really stand to have that change.

 

[Gypsy]

Nevermind, DH was smart enough to snap a pic.

It's a cell phone pic so the quality isn't the greatest. The colors are TOTALLY off the rug is much brighter you can see the pattern.

My rug:

 

[PositivelyPeanut]

Vacation, watch, and charity...now that's a gift!

It's truly a beautiful rug and such a neat pattern. I bet it sells fast. Hopefully the friend of the friend will buy it and you won't even have to worry about the consignment stuff. At $5000-$5500, it sounds like they would still be getting a killer deal.

 

[Amys Bling]

Sell it. It's been in storage and unused- is your mom going to go look in storage/closet when she comes over to see if you still have it?? Be happy-