Conflicted about a sticky situation.

[Gypsy]

Okay so, I'm sure most of you have mothers like my mother in law: sweet, well meaning, with irksome qualities, but overall very genuinely and unselfishly loving. My mom has, on rare occasion, been like that. Unfortunately though she had a hard time in her youth and she's very much a classic narcissist who gets more self absorbed and less empathic as she gets older, plus she's the family matriarch, and it can be hard to be her daughter. We have a very rocky relationship... and it gets worse as we both grow older.

Why I went to law school is a boring story. But a lot of it had to go with wanting to please my mom. I should never have gone to law school and I VERY MUCH should have listened to MYSELF, my friends, other family members who have never been able to outshout my mother, and my professors and done something else. But I didn't. When I graduated it was the happiest day of her life. My diploma has never hung on my wall, always on hers, by my choice.

For my graduation present my mom got me a Persian rug. It's very expensive. My mom got it for me over my own VOCIFEROUS objections that I while appreciate them from an artistic standpoint, that they aren't my style, that with my desire for cats (I didn't have any then) it didn't suit my lifestyle, that I would inherit 20 of the things eventually (that I didn't want) as it was, and that I REALLY WANTED A FLIPPING OMEGA WATCH (that cost half what she paid for a rug).

It's what she wanted to get me so it's what I got. Pretty much the story of my life and the story of mom's gift giving style. At the mall when I was a teen and if wanted a 10 dollar thing that she didn't like and she'd say no, but turn around and buy me a 100 thing she thought I should have that I was lukewarm about at best. And I'd feel resentful and ungrateful at the same time.

This is turning into a novel. I tried the rug out for a year. The cats LOVED IT. Not in a good way. It doesn't suit my decorating style. It's been in storage since then. I'm never going to have a room I would be willing to close out to my cats for it. And it represents a lot of negative things to me. And I told my mom this weekend that I wanted to sell it and BUY A NICE WATCH. She was hurt. And it matters to part of me that she was hurt. But the rug reminds me of the negative qualities she has and of a time of my life that I would give A LOT to to change-- and that (right or wrong) I blame her for a large part of. And it reminds me that her love for me has often been on her terms.

SO... I know it's a bigger question than the rug (and I'm in therapy and I'll deal with ALL OF IT there ). But the rug is a problem that's not going away. Any of you have thoughts, opinions, advice on what to do with the rug?

 

[minousbijoux]

What you are describing is a Bad Kharma Rug. Simple as that. It will not do for you. Pure and simple. Congratulations for living your own life! Congratulations for having cats! Congratulations for putting your cats before "the rug!"

The great thing about Bad Kharma things is that when you give them a good intentioned send off, you end up feeling really good on many levels. Do you know of needy families? For years at Christmas time, a few families and our family pool resources and sponsor a family which is transitioning from homelessness to an apartment. They often have very little. Or, what about a new housing development for low income working families? The good developments these days are built with computer rooms for after school assistance for kids, landscaped common areas, and typically a large community room where the families can socialize, hold meetings, etc. These housing developers typically work with the local community to get donations of high quality art work and furniture to make the community room truly special. Perhaps you could donate it - your rug might be a one of a kind, amazing, and of course incredibly welcomed, addition.

Of course, you could always sell it. I'm not sure if that would make you feel as virtuous and selfless, but it could be really "therapeutic" if you bought a watch with the proceeds and wore it as reminder of standing up for YOU with your Mom.

Good luck to you and I hope it was cathartic for you to share as you did!

 

[Imdanny]

Well, I'm a watch person and an advocate of people being happy with their possessions so you know what I'm going to say. Good luck, Gypsy!

 

[movie zombie]

how big is it? some hang such things on their wall........

actually, i think you should sell it and get the watch. she's an adult and responsible for her own emotions.

good luck!

eta: you could donate it to a charity to be used as an auction item and take a tax write off?

 

[ForteKitty]

I think you should sell it and get the watch. You're not going to learn to love the rug, and it just doesn't sound practical to have around w/ your kitties. Btw, your cats must be angels... mine would have destroyed it within a year.

 

[Hera]

Hugs, Gypsy. I have a narcissistic mother also so I can relate very well. Sell the rug and buy the watch.

 

[VRBeauty]

This is an easy one. Sell the rug an buy the watch you want.

BTW I think a lot of mothers have trouble letting their little girls grow up and be their own women, and it manifests in different ways. And for those of us who are used to getting strokes for getting along - all of us former good girls - setting those boundaries between ourselves and our mothers can be very difficult. But... it's so necessary. My mother likes to try to make things right for me, and even now has trouble letting me live with the consequences of my choices. Years ago (when I was about your age ) I remember mentioning to my mother that I was having trouble figuring out what to wear for a colleague's retirement dinner. I came home one day and found a large box of dresses waiting for me - my mother had taken my problem as an excuse for her to go bargain hunting on my behalf! I'd asked her before not to buy clothes for me because I'm very particular about my clothes and the things she got for me very rarely worked -- and often they were not exchangeable, so instead of being a useable gift, they became my problem. On this occasion I got fed up with that whole scenario, so the next time I went to visit my folks, I brought that box of clothing and without saying a word, just left it behind when I returned home. Problem solved. It was a long time before my mother sent me any surprise clothes again, and now she'll usually check with me now before buying or sending me clothing.

You tried to warn your mother that you wouldn't appreciate a rug and she ignored you. It's yours now, and you can do with it what you want. Unload it and get yourself something YOU want. And if she asks, be up-front about it. She won't like hearing it, but in the long run, it'll help you have a more appropriate (and hopefully open) relationship with your mother.

 

[Gypsy]

mb-- Bad Karma Rug. lol. I read an entire book series about a bad luck wedding dress, wedding cake and something else. But yeah, I guess it is. Objectively it's quite lovely, but yeah... bad karma for me. And I think you are right. I think I do need the reminder of standing up to my mom so I will get a watch, but I no longer want an OMEGA and the watch I want is pretty reasonable... so a charitable bent is a great idea too. For me, it's usually sick kids or cats. But I can take a portion and make a nice donation. Which ... it's funny, really helps the heaviness in my heart. THANK YOU. And it did help to share on here. It often does which is why my life story is typed out in these threads. Ahh well... it works so I'm good with it.

Thank you Danny. I do like to have things that make me smile. It's important.

MZ-- It's 8 x 10 and REALLY detailed (I'll see if I can find a similar rug and post a picture). Plus it's got some ridiculously high knots per square inch so it's tightly woven and surprisingly thin. It's not all silk but it has more silk than most rugs I've seen for sale even in SF and DC. "She's responsible for her own emotions". I really needed to hear that. And it helps, my thanks .

Forte. Not angels, but only one is a rug fiend and he ONLY liked the silk patches. So a couple of them took a hit until we figured it out, then we kept rotating the rug and putting scratch pads down on his favorite spots. He's my eldest and the one who listens the best, so he's fairly easy to stop. Two yells and he's good for a few days. He enjoys being the favorite and hates it when he are mad at him.

Heraanderson-- ((HUGS)) it's such a strange thing. I just thought all parents were like my mom. And I always believed her when she said she's my best friend and that she is the ONLY person who will ever love me enough to always have my best interests at heart. It took me a LONG time to de-program out of that and it's been disillusioning, and I still struggle with it. Hence, the rug thing.

 

[Gypsy]

This is an easy one. Sell the rug an buy the watch you want.

BTW I think a lot of mothers have trouble letting their little girls grow up and be their own women, and it manifests in different ways. And for those of us who are used to getting strokes for getting along - all of us former good girls - setting those boundaries between ourselves and our mothers can be very difficult. But... it's so necessary. My mother likes to try to make things right for me, and even now has trouble letting me live with the consequences of my choices. Years ago (when I was about your age ) I remember mentioning to my mother that I was having trouble figuring out what to wear for a colleague's retirement dinner. I came home one day and found a large box of dresses waiting for me - my mother had taken my problem as an excuse for her to go bargain hunting on my behalf! I'd asked her before not to buy clothes for me because I'm very particular about my clothes and the things she got for me very rarely worked -- and often they were not exchangeable, so instead of being a useable gift, they became my problem. On this occasion I got fed up with that whole scenario, so the next time I went to visit my folks, I brought that box of clothing and without saying a word, just left it behind when I returned home. Problem solved. It was a long time before my mother sent me any surprise clothes again, and now she'll usually check with me now before buying or sending me clothing.

You tried to warn your mother that you wouldn't appreciate a rug and she ignored you. It's yours now, and you can do with it what you want. Unload it and get yourself something YOU want. And if she asks, be up-front about it. She won't like hearing it, but in the long run, it'll help you have a more appropriate (and hopefully open) relationship with your mother.

I'll keep repeating this and MZ's "she's responsible for her own emotions" to myself over and over again.

LOL.

 

[Gypsy]

It's similar to this one. Same region, same colors. Mine is a lot bigger and has a different medallion (and possibly more Navy???). But it's been 4 years since I've seen it unrolled (it's preserved in cedar) so I just don't remember. http://www.mprugs.com/inventory/medium/med147.htm My medallion is rounder and not a starburst. Close enough though. Point is... it's a statement piece. Not something that hides it's light under a bushel so hanging it on the wall or throwing it on the floor... it's just way too attention getting in the smaller spaces I live in. Retail for it is around 5000 I'd guess. But it's not new and I was telling DH I'd let it go for half that just to get it out of the house. I would need to go and get it appraised and then see about where to sell it.

This is my watch front runner... but I might go for something a little blingier as it's a dressy watch I'm wanting. However I REALLY love the design of this one and and I don't want something to sit in the box all the time either. http://www.pearlmansjewelers.com/jewelry-designers/georg-jensen-jewelry/watches/13G7/

 

[swingirl]

Awww. I am sorry for your situation. I have two suggestions.

1. Sell the rug. Tell your mother you have developed a horrible allergy to wool!! Doctor's orders!

2. Find your passion and pursue it. Don't keep going through life wishing you were doing something else. Before you know it you'll be 65 and changing careers will be out of the question. Your mother probably will not be around to be disappointed or hurt.

((((hugs))))

 

[Gypsy]

Awww. I am sorry for your situation. I have two suggestions.

1. Sell the rug. Tell your mother you have developed a horrible allergy to wool!! Doctor's orders!

2. Find your passion and pursue it. Don't keep going through life wishing you were doing something else. Before you know it you'll be 65 and changing careers will be out of the question. Your mother probably will not be around to be disappointed or hurt.

((((hugs))))

That's exactly what I am trying so hard to do right now and have been trying to do since... July? I just don't know what that is anymore and I'm in a weird place physically and emotionally so... I'm all out of whack. Thank you though honey. I know that it is advice from the heart of a friend.((HUGS)) back.

 

[PositivelyPeanut]

Can you offer to give it back to her? Tell her you know that she loves it and you would love it to stay in the family, but it just doesn't fit your lifestyle right now? Maybe that will be a way to kind of keep the peace and spare some feelings? I'm guessing she'll probably say she doesn't have room for it or whatever, but maybe not. Maybe she'll really like the gesture?

I'm thinking that if you sell it to buy the watch, you may not be as free to enjoy the watch on some level (guilt, no matter how misplaced). They get in your head. I know.

Anyway, I think it's definitely good that you're watching out for you. I agree that your mom was wrong -- we have to be our own best advocate and be true to what we need/want.

PS: I'm not a watch wearer, but that watch could make me change my mind...

 

[Gypsy]

http://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/Bedat-Co-No-3-Watch-Plain-Watches/prod48110019/?ecid=NMCIGoogleProductAds&ci_sku=prod48110019sku&ci_gpa=pla&ci_kw={keyword} If I could find it pre-owned I would also love this Bedat No.3 watch. It would be my 'always' watch not a dress up. I just can't see spending 3K on a watch though. Too many kitties to rescue.

And I do think Franck Muller has beautiful watches but they are forever out of reach. Same with the Chopard Happy Sport with the oval face with stainless bracelet which is stunning but again... kitties (and diamonds too, admittedly): http://www.finestwatches.com/images/product-zoom-chopard-happy-sport-12206.jpg

Wonder if DF could find me a nice pre-owned Bedat though. Hmm. And would I prefer it over the Georg which is GORGEOUS.

Feeling much more inclined to sell the rug now that the portion to charity thing is on my mind. http://www.givemesheltersf.org/ and the rescue we got Merlin from would be very happy with a donation and they really NEED it.

 

[Gypsy]

Can you offer to give it back to her? Tell her you know that she loves it and you would love it to stay in the family, but it just doesn't fit your lifestyle right now? Maybe that will be a way to kind of keep the peace and spare some feelings? I'm guessing she'll probably say she doesn't have room for it or whatever, but maybe not. Maybe she'll really like the gesture?

I'm thinking that if you sell it to buy the watch, you may not be as free to enjoy the watch on some level (guilt, no matter how misplaced). They get in your head. I know.

Anyway, I think it's definitely good that you're watching out for you. I agree that your mom was wrong -- we have to be our own best advocate and be true to what we need/want.

PS: I'm not a watch wearer, but that watch could make me change my mind...

PP... honestly, as crazy at it sounds, giving it 'back' to her would be a greater insult than selling it, I think. It would be an outright rejection of ANY gift instead of... thank you for the investment piece, I'm now cashing it out and getting something I love with it.

Plus I already said I'm selling it so developing an allergy or anything isn't going to help and trying to give it to her would be well... she'd play the "I'm such a caring mother... I could NEVER take something of that value from my daughter... of COURSE you have to sell it and get a watch," which would completely screw with my head even MORE than where I am now, lol.

Thank you for the thoughtful suggestion though! I really appreciate it. It's just that my mother is REALLY is one of those people you have to experience to get. She's very hard to explain. But you meet her once and you don't forget it. NONE of my friends ever have. And usually they walk away a bit shell shocked.

It IS a flipping gorgeous watch, isn't it? Plus Pearlman's is one of my favorite ... they're not even vendors to me they're just friends, like BGD is, so it would be even better. I like buying from people I like.

 

[JewelFreak]

Gypsy, I think you're at a good place with the rug. Selling it & giving some to cat rescue is just great & will turn its bad energy into good stuff. Then get a watch, more good karma from it -- because it will represent your independence. Like VRBeauty & the dresses, there's often one incident that marks our taking the bull by the horns. Bet your mother will be at least the tiniest bit easier to deal with after you make boundaries. Go, girl!

 

[TooPatient]

Good luck selling your rug. It is gorgeous and something of that quality at a decent price will be an exciting find for someone. (I love the high quality rugs like that, we were given 2 and I'd hoped to add more.... until the cats had their say )

Enjoy your new watch! You truly deserve something that will make you happy.

 

[LittleRiver]

Gypsy, I could never part with a gift from my mom so I would try to find another way to use it. Would it work in your office?

If you do decide to sell it, I like the idea of donating the proceeds to charity. Then buy yourself the watch you want

 

[lliang_chi]

Gypsy, that's a pretty swanky looking rug. My mom is also a rug fiend, she wanted to buy a $27K rug once! Personally I really like your rug, but if it's not doing it for you, it's not doing it for you. Hope you find a watch you really like and sell the rug and be done with it. Your mom is an adult and should be able to see that letting go of a present she gave you is NO REFLECTION on how you feel about her.

~LC

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Well, I'd agree that you should sell the rug. I don't really even see the need to donate it unless you just want to as part of your normal charitable giving. It was a gift to you, so I think the money certainly can be applied to the replacement item. (However, I have to say that I LOVE persian rugs and had some in my old house. I sold them (for too little) when we moved because I was wanting to change colors. I have bought inexpensive rugs for now because my in-laws do have a lot of rugs and they are in their 80's. We didn't have a problem with our indoor cats at the old house, and because of my daughter's allergies, we can no longer have indoor cats. I adopt all the strays that come, though!)

And do experiment with other career fields, Gypsy. Life is too short to be stuck in something you hate. I don't think a lot of people love their jobs in general, but I think you could find something you enjoy doing more.

 

[siamese3]

Hi Gypsy. It's always so nice to find out we are not alone in our struggles. My mom is the same way. Had a tough childhood and life and although I know she loves me & is well meaning, she has no sense of boundaries. She told me this year for my birthday she would buy me ANYTHING I wanted and my reply to her was.."as long as it's someting you want me to have, want, like..etc." I laughed a bit and tried to keep it light hearted and my mom did the awkward laugh and expressed suprise I knew this. UMM yeah. I'm almost fifty..long story short, even after that exchange, she is making me this great felted tote for christmas that I admired that she had made. I requested a specific color with a specific color flower. She was excited that I liked it so much and told me she would galdly make me "anything iI wanted." I'm sure you've guessed already she decided to use another color that would be better for me (according to her )with different colored flowers. Sigh.. I just don't fight it as much as I used to as she is 74, but you do need to make yourself happy. It's really all about control, and if it's important to you, I say go ahead and assertive yourself, sell the rug. It's nice to take control of your life in the little ways you can. Good luck!

 

[luv2sparkle]

Gyspy, I would sell it. You will never be happy with it in your house. If your mom mentioned or noticed that it was gone, I would simply be honest and say it didn't work for you. If she is unhappy about it, I would tell her that while you appreciate her generosity, you did mention it was not your taste when she wanted to buy it for you. You are sorry if it makes her unhappy.

Things that have a negative impact on us are quite simply not worth having. It is a stress all on his own. You can't change what your mom chooses to do, but you can change how much you take it. If she chooses to buy you things that you don't want, you don't have to chose to keep them. I wouldn't feel at all bad about it. Express your appreciation of her, not the gift.

 

[vsc]

Hi Gypsy,

I agree with everyone else that you should do what makes you happy and sell this rug.
I would like to add that from what you've posted, this looks like a very nice and expensive rug (your estimate is probably quite a bit under wholesale price). Even with the cat damage... I'm assuming it's a little bit of wear from scratching? Not urine stains or holes?
You could try to talk to a couple of reputable local stores about consigning. Shop around - you might be surprised at what you will be offered for it. Also, much like jewelry stores with upgrade policies, some rug stores will buy back their own rugs at a preferred rates - do you know where your mom got it?

Good luck!

 

[iLander]

The thing about moms is people give them too much credibility and every little thing they do is fraught with emotion. As a mom of a 26 year old (who's been pissing me off for over a year now, but that's another thread) and a teen, we don't need the Pressure. We're just people who mess things up just like anyone else.

Take this entire story and substitute the word "friend of mine" for "mom" and see if that doesn't help take the emotion out of it.

"A friend of mine wanted to buy me this rug that I didn't want, I told her I didn't want it. She bought it anyway, I tried it for a while, but now I want to sell it and buy something I actually want."

So sell it. No big deal without that baggage-laden "mom" word in there.

You can take pics and send them to Sothebys or Christies and they'll give you a general value.

 

[Novel]

If I put a dress and wig on my dad, he'd be your mom, it seems.

Sell the rug. She's responsible for her own emotions. She's hurt because you're not doing what she wants, because she didn't do what you wanted. Gifts are always complicated anyway.

Plus, as a cat owner, it would make me crazy to have something in my house that my cats are always trying to destroy. It's weirdly stressful and makes me feel icky, like I don't care enough about my possessions to protect them. Which is ridiculous. Get rid of the rug before the kitties destroy it and buy yourself something you love.

 

[pregcurious]

My Mom used to do a similar thing. It came down to her not being to understand things that other people liked, and her not being able to accept that people have different opinions and that is okay. Now she's passed away, and I have no one can take her place. While she was alive, she did things that made me feel very badly, but at her core, she was a loving mother and had a heart for me. My husband loves me and gives me nice things, but it's not the same. I tried to love her as she was, and when she died I hope she knew I loved her unconditionally and had accepted her. This situation is not only about how she loves you, but how you love her.

While I understand your annoyance, I say keep the rug in storage. One day you will remember how much your Mom loved you when you look at that rug. If you have children, you can give it to one of them on their graduation day, and I bet they will cherish it. I have things from my grandparents, and I consider myself a temporary custodian until my heirs receive them. Your Mom is just trying to give you something that she feels is valuable and lovely, in her own narcissistic way. It's not worth hurting your Mom's feelings over a rug, and it sounds like she is not trying to hurt your feelings. Fighting over stuff is not worth it. I'm not saying this is easy to do. This is just my perspective. If you decide to go this route, I encourage you to explain it to her one day. I started doing this at the end of my Mom's life, and we started to understand each other better.

 

[lulu]

You flat out told her you didn't want a Persian rug and she gave you one anyway? Sell it!

 

[TooPatient]

You might also check into if it would be worth having any kitty damage repaired. There are places that can do that sort of thing. I haven't looked into it yet for ours (I will if/when we can get the cats to stop tearing it up ), but it might be worh considering. An expert in the area (or even your appraiser) would be better able to tell you if repairing the bit of damage would increase the selling price enough to make it interesting.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi Gypsy,

Of course you should sell the rug. What a waste in storage. Someone else is waiting for that rug. So hurry!
If mom shows hurt again, remind her in a even tone of voice that you did in fact tell her you didn;t want the rug. Its over.
She really will get over it.

When people feel out of sorts as I know from my own behavior, I don't always act wisely. When this rug sells, be careful with the proceeds.

Lawyers are among those professionals who are the unhappiest. Alcoholism is high. Numbers of people don't like lawyers.
After working so hard to get thru school it is a startling realization that world out there is nothing like you imagined. BUT,
what wonderful training you have gotten, and you can take that anywhere. Its kind of interesting how , for example, an FBI agent may possess a law degree. When I was in real estate, my 2 bosses had law degrees. It was probably more of a good impression to hold the degree outside the profession, than inside it. Jerry Maquire(the movie) was based on a sports agent who , guess what, has a law degree. The opportunities are endless. You don't have to stay in law. You might be valued more. Be a lobbyist for animal rights!

I hope your future is bright.

Annette

 

[JulieN]

Seems to me that your style is simply not traditional/old fashioned/old world. And your family is quite wealthy and wants to preserve what is traditional and old world. I had an ex bf whose family had some rather large, old rugs. To me, a Persian rug would be a fabulous thing to have. I already have buyer's remorse from a $50 VS bra, I will never have enough money to buy things for artistic value. But anyway, if you don't want it. If it were me, and I didn't want it, I see if the ethnomusicology department of my alma mater wanted it. I'm sure we all have those well-intentioned gifts hanging in the back of our closet or stuffed somewhere... It seems a little mean to sell it to get something you want, but it is a pity no one enjoys it. Anyway, I personally would try to gift it first before trying to sell.

And if I were your mom, I'd sniff at your tastes, call you ungrateful, and then get over it. There are some people I can't stay mad at for long, and I imagine my daughter would be such a person.