Completely Devastated...

[couturequeen]

I have to agree with the comments that your boyfriend is not ready.

He has to put you before his family''s needs and wishes before he can commit. I don''t think it''s a good sign that he gave his entire savings to his parents. What does this mean for your future? In the future will he give the money you''ve set aside for a house to a family member who is in debt? Will he give your children''s college funds to his parents if they are going through another rough patch?

When does it end? How will he move out of their home if he can''t save any money?

It''s wonderful that he is so generous, but most would say to their parents that they cannot afford to give all they have.

 

[goodfun7580]

Maybe its just me, but I find it odd that his parents are allowing him to give up his savings to bail them out. Somehow that seems backwards, and I think you mentioned before that this isn''t the first time that has happened. I''m not a parent, so I can''t begin to even imagine what it would be like to have to ask your son or daughter for money, but it just seems odd. Especially knowing that he is probably saving, whether for a ring for you or whatever, how is he supposed to start his own life if he is helping his parents out majorly? I understand parents that collect rent from there adult kids and I don''t think thats wrong, but taking your son or daughters savings, that seems odd. Again, I don''t know there situation, so there may be a good reason (illness in the family or something), but I would never put that kind of burden on my child (if I had one).

Maybe he needs to have a talk with his parents about how he doesn''t mind helping, but its draining his savings and thats not fair. Maybe if he doesn''t pay rent, he can start doing that, that way he can budget for that and still sock some money away rather than an all out assault on his savings. I know this has to be a touchy situation for him, but it really should be addressed. I saw a True Life Special on MTV over the weekend about young adults who support there families. It was heart breaking. There was a girl who was 23 who had to have 2 jobs and paid all the bills. There was no way she could ever have her own life. And her parents expected her to work and take care of them and it didn''t seem to bother them at all (they weren''t that old, maybe mid 50s). The mom kept saying she was going to get a job, but never did. They almost got evicted from there apartment. I would hate to see your bf in that situation where he can never leave home because his parents rely on him so much.

 

[diamondsgirl22]

that is the first time that they had ever asked him for money. i dont even think that they told him what for. i asked him what they needed it for and he just said that he wasnt sure. i guess i should tell him that that isnt fair to him but i think that when i said that before he just shrugged his shoulders. maybe the situation is something that he is too embarassed to talk to me about or maybe his parents did not want anyone to know. i do agree with you. i need to talk to him about it and tell him that it isnt fair to him and that maybe he needs to talk with his parents. it is a very touchy subject because he seems really bummed out that they needed it all. i just dont want to bring it up and have him get upset that i am talking about it once again. we talked about this whole thing last night too and i just feel bad badgering him over and over again. it needs to be addressed and understood though. i just couldnt believe it when he told me that his parents needed the money and he gave it ALL to them! they have never done this before so it must be serious. he said last night that we would just have to start over again and try again. i relplied with, yeah until your parents need to borrow more money and then you are left with nothing. i just hope that everything is okay because why would they need to borrow their own son''s money. esp. if it was a couple thousand by the way he talks, if not more. i just feel bad for him. i want him to be able to talk to his parents about it and to me about it. we''ll see, i am going to talk to him later.

 

[decodelighted]

AIIIGH. I just wanna scream STOP TALKING TO HIM. Have you ever heard of the expression "Trust, but Verify"? Can''t you casually find out from his parents if he really did lend them money, or if they''re having hard times or something. Be CLEVER. Go about it INNOCENTLY. VERIFY.

Maybe I''m cynical, but I have an uneasy feeling about your posts & your situation. And I wanna leap out of my chair when you say things like "I''m gonna take him shopping for security cameras" and "Maybe I''ll ask him if he''s lying/stealing". AIIIGGHHHH.

 

[Tuesday]

Date: 11/6/2007 10:25:39 AM
Author: decodelighted
Maybe I''m cynical, but I have an uneasy feeling about your posts & your situation.

Ditto. Methinks we''re being put on.

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

Date: 11/6/2007 10:11:51 AM
Author: diamondsgirl22
that is the first time that they had ever asked him for money. i dont even think that they told him what for. i asked him what they needed it for and he just said that he wasnt sure. i guess i should tell him that that isnt fair to him but i think that when i said that before he just shrugged his shoulders. maybe the situation is something that he is too embarassed to talk to me about or maybe his parents did not want anyone to know. i do agree with you. i need to talk to him about it and tell him that it isnt fair to him and that maybe he needs to talk with his parents. it is a very touchy subject because he seems really bummed out that they needed it all. i just dont want to bring it up and have him get upset that i am talking about it once again. we talked about this whole thing last night too and i just feel bad badgering him over and over again. it needs to be addressed and understood though. i just couldnt believe it when he told me that his parents needed the money and he gave it ALL to them! they have never done this before so it must be serious. he said last night that we would just have to start over again and try again. i relplied with, yeah until your parents need to borrow more money and then you are left with nothing. i just hope that everything is okay because why would they need to borrow their own son''s money. esp. if it was a couple thousand by the way he talks, if not more. i just feel bad for him. i want him to be able to talk to his parents about it and to me about it. we''ll see, i am going to talk to him later.

I''ve been lurking a bit and this is my first time posting, but I felt compelled to because there are so many red flags with your posts in this thread. You say this is the first time they asked him for money, but previously you said:

"As far as his savings being given to his parents, i trust him and he has given them money before so i believe that he has told the truth. i could ask him casually why he gave money to them but as i remember before he just said to pay the bills etc."

I''m sure I''m with everyone else here who just wants to make sure that something isn''t wrong. I would do as others have suggested and find a way to talk with the parents about him lending them money before bringing up the topic with him again. You need to be sure that all that he is saying is kosher. I know that it might be hard to hear, as I am sure you trust him with all of your heart, but even when we feel 100% sure, sometimes people can surprise (and hurt) us. Good luck to you with everything.

 

[Upgradable]

I just think she''s really young and is not yet able to see issues in a context outside of what she wants to see. It''s a normal developmental process, but what it indicates is that she is no where near ready to make a lifelong committment to anyone!

Look at the big picture: he had(?) the money but chose to give it to his parents, he won''t discuss specifics with you, he let your deadline go by without being honest about not proposing, you both are living with your parents and are unable to support yourselves financially, neither of you have been able to initiate a mature give and take conversation about what it takes to make a relationship work.

Engagement is not a magic wand or mystic portal tranforming you into an adult. You have to be realistically ready before taking a step committing to a future together. And I''m speaking from the perspective of a 40-something wife and mother who has been married to only one man for over 20 years.

 

[mirre]

Are they borrowing it with the intention to pay it back to him when they are through their rough patch or did he just GIVE it to them?

With them knowing he was saving his money, for whatever reason, I would think they would intend on repaying him when they can. Or maybe he could even ask that they repay him a little at a time as they are able to, so that he can continue to save his money.

I agree with the other posters about parents not asking for their child''s money, however, tight times do come around. My mom has had to ask me for a little money before and explained the reasons why she needed it, and that it was VERY hard for her to have to ask me, and would repay me when she could. I told her yes I can give you "X" amount. AND she later repaid me. It was not in the thousands of dollars.

I think with a situation like that with them needing ALL of it... they should have told him EXACTLY why they needed it. Maybe it is something they are embarassed about and he can''t speak with you about it.

I don''t think you should ask him about it anymore either, if he hasn''t told you yet then he probably won''t. You might could try as the one poster suggested and casually speak to his parents about it? You might just mention that you are sorry that they are going through a hard time right now and if there''s anything you could help with to let you know. If they say thank you then he probably gave it to them... if they ask what would make you think they were going through a rough patch then maybe he didn''t give it to them, or they don''t know that he told you and you could explain the situation.

I hope everything gets worked out for you soon though.

 

[bee*]

Date: 11/6/2007 10:25:39 AM
Author: decodelighted
AIIIGH. I just wanna scream STOP TALKING TO HIM. Have you ever heard of the expression ''Trust, but Verify''? Can''t you casually find out from his parents if he really did lend them money, or if they''re having hard times or something. Be CLEVER. Go about it INNOCENTLY. VERIFY.


Maybe I''m cynical, but I have an uneasy feeling about your posts & your situation. And I wanna leap out of my chair when you say things like ''I''m gonna take him shopping for security cameras'' and ''Maybe I''ll ask him if he''s lying/stealing''. AIIIGGHHHH.

Ditto all of this!!

 

[Independent Gal]

Thritto. And I also noticed the inconsistency about the b/f having given them / not given them money before.

Worrisome.

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 11/6/2007 11:56:05 AM
Author: bee*

Date: 11/6/2007 10:25:39 AM
Author: decodelighted
AIIIGH. I just wanna scream STOP TALKING TO HIM. Have you ever heard of the expression 'Trust, but Verify'? Can't you casually find out from his parents if he really did lend them money, or if they're having hard times or something. Be CLEVER. Go about it INNOCENTLY. VERIFY.


Maybe I'm cynical, but I have an uneasy feeling about your posts & your situation. And I wanna leap out of my chair when you say things like 'I'm gonna take him shopping for security cameras' and 'Maybe I'll ask him if he's lying/stealing'. AIIIGGHHHH.

Ditto all of this!!

Thritto! For me it's not just his parents asking him for all of his savings that makes me uneasy (I think that everyone's looking at this from an American culture standpoint and it could perhaps be the norm for kids to support their parents in other cultures. Diamondsgirl22 hasn't said that she and her FF are American or if they even live in America unless I missed something.), but the way that everything about the story seems to change whenever someone asks/suggests something.

ETA: IG you beat me to it!

 

[MoonWater]

Well, hard times do happen, so it''s not a complete shock that a parent asks a child for money. It sucks, but it does happen. I also think that you two are not involved enough for you to have the right to ask his parents about him giving them money (whether it''s true or not). It could be an embrassment to them and why should they have to discuss it with someone outside of the family? If the two of you were married and supporting a family, that would be different. They would essentially be borrowing YOUR money. But it''s their son, you simply do not have the right. I also think it is plainly obvious that the two of you are just not ready to be engaged. I''m not sure what the big rush is to be honest. You''re both still living at home with your parents, how will an engagement change this? Further, a ring does not make an enagagement. If he truly wants to get married, he could propose to you now without a ring and the two of you could work on getting a ring later. He is obviously not ready, and from the sound of it, you really aren''t either.

 

[marvel]

Do either of his parents work, or are they unemployed?

ETA: I just read your previous post that his dad owns a summer camp.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 11/6/2007 10:11:51 AM
Author: diamondsgirl22
that is the first time that they had ever asked him for money. i dont even think that they told him what for. i asked him what they needed it for and he just said that he wasnt sure. i guess i should tell him that that isnt fair to him but i think that when i said that before he just shrugged his shoulders. maybe the situation is something that he is too embarassed to talk to me about or maybe his parents did not want anyone to know. i do agree with you. i need to talk to him about it and tell him that it isnt fair to him and that maybe he needs to talk with his parents. it is a very touchy subject because he seems really bummed out that they needed it all. i just dont want to bring it up and have him get upset that i am talking about it once again. we talked about this whole thing last night too and i just feel bad badgering him over and over again. it needs to be addressed and understood though. i just couldnt believe it when he told me that his parents needed the money and he gave it ALL to them! they have never done this before so it must be serious. he said last night that we would just have to start over again and try again. i relplied with, yeah until your parents need to borrow more money and then you are left with nothing. i just hope that everything is okay because why would they need to borrow their own son's money. esp. if it was a couple thousand by the way he talks, if not more. i just feel bad for him. i want him to be able to talk to his parents about it and to me about it. we'll see, i am going to talk to him later.

I don't think there is anything that your potential fiance should be too embarrassed to talk to you about - especially when it affects both of you and your plans. Healthy relationships are built on good and honest communication and trust. If he can't trust you with this, it is something that you both need to work on.

Even after only a few months dating, my FI would have trusted me enough to discuss any problems that his parents had - and giving them money would have been a joint decision.

Have you made sure that you have fully discussed and are truly on the same page regarding careers, finances, raising of children, where you will live, ambitions, sex, equalities within the relationship etc

I'm afraid that I really don't buy the 'can't get engaged till you have a ring' line. If he REALLY wanted to be engaged he could get you a 50 dollar ring and a promise of an upgrade - or get engaged without a ring. My FI proposed without a ring, we didn't get the ring till 6 months later, but I was very much officially engaged in the eyes of all our friends, family etc

There are many things a person will say so as not to rock the status quo in a relationship. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you were to say why not put off the engagement stuff for a couple of years that he wouldn't jump for it. Many men feel that if the girl is pushing and they say no that that is the end of the relationship, they don't want that, so they make lame excuses why it can't happen.

None of us are saying things to put you, your boyfriend or your relationship down , but because we are seeing HUGE red flags waving. Many of us have been in similar situations and have got badly burnt, but perhaps didn't have places like this to turn to for honest, impartial advice. So please don't take what people are taking the time to say as an attack.

Do remember that often you are the last person to see things when you are in love, and it's very easy to subconsiously opt not to see things you don't want to. The very fact you are here and posting tells me that you have a gut instinct that something is not completely right. never ignore that instinct.

 

[lucy.lucy.80]

it sounds a bit strange to me that all of a sudden his parents needed to borrow/take all his savings just about at the time of your planned engagement. Maybe either A, he just does not feel he is ready for that step but does not want to tell you for whatever reason, or B (as discussed earlier in the topic) maybe he does have a gambling problem.

Although communication is a good thing, i would suggest you stop asking him questions pertaining to this subject and instead keep your ears and eyes open.

I wish you the best

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

Date: 11/6/2007 1:04:40 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 11/6/2007 10:11:51 AM
Author: diamondsgirl22
that is the first time that they had ever asked him for money. i dont even think that they told him what for. i asked him what they needed it for and he just said that he wasnt sure. i guess i should tell him that that isnt fair to him but i think that when i said that before he just shrugged his shoulders. maybe the situation is something that he is too embarassed to talk to me about or maybe his parents did not want anyone to know. i do agree with you. i need to talk to him about it and tell him that it isnt fair to him and that maybe he needs to talk with his parents. it is a very touchy subject because he seems really bummed out that they needed it all. i just dont want to bring it up and have him get upset that i am talking about it once again. we talked about this whole thing last night too and i just feel bad badgering him over and over again. it needs to be addressed and understood though. i just couldnt believe it when he told me that his parents needed the money and he gave it ALL to them! they have never done this before so it must be serious. he said last night that we would just have to start over again and try again. i relplied with, yeah until your parents need to borrow more money and then you are left with nothing. i just hope that everything is okay because why would they need to borrow their own son''s money. esp. if it was a couple thousand by the way he talks, if not more. i just feel bad for him. i want him to be able to talk to his parents about it and to me about it. we''ll see, i am going to talk to him later.

I don''t think there is anything that your potential fiance should be too embarrassed to talk to you about - especially when it affects both of you and your plans. Healthy relationships are built on good and honest communication and trust. If he can''t trust you with this, it is something that you both need to work on.

Even after only a few months dating, my FI would have trusted me enough to discuss any problems that his parents had - and giving them money would have been a joint decision.

Have you made sure that you have fully discussed and are truly on the same page regarding careers, finances, raising of children, where you will live, ambitions, sex, equalities within the relationship etc

I''m afraid that I really don''t buy the ''can''t get engaged till you have a ring'' line. If he REALLY wanted to be engaged he could get you a 50 dollar ring and a promise of an upgrade - or get engaged without a ring. My FI proposed without a ring, we didn''t get the ring till 6 months later, but I was very much officially engaged in the eyes of all our friends, family etc

There are many things a person will say so as not to rock the status quo in a relationship. I wouldn''t be at all surprised if you were to say why not put off the engagement stuff for a couple of years that he wouldn''t jump for it. Many men feel that if the girl is pushing and they say no that that is the end of the relationship, they don''t want that, so they make lame excuses why it can''t happen.

None of us are saying things to put you, your boyfriend or your relationship down , but because we are seeing HUGE red flags waving. Many of us have been in similar situations and have got badly burnt, but perhaps didn''t have places like this to turn to for honest, impartial advice. So please don''t take what people are taking the time to say as an attack.

Do remember that often you are the last person to see things when you are in love, and it''s very easy to subconsiously opt not to see things you don''t want to. The very fact you are here and posting tells me that you have a gut instinct that something is not completely right. never ignore that instinct.

Well said - I couldn''t agree more or say it better myself.

 

[mirre]

Could it at all be possible that he has made the story up to throw you off for some reason? Maybe:

a) He is just about to buy the ring and doesn''t want to you be able to have any clue.

b) He has the ring so the money is technically gone but not given to his parents.

 

[diamondsgirl22]

he has given them money before as in a 20 here and there, etc. not large amounts of money. when i asked B if they planned on paying it back he said that he didnt know. i am sure they will eventually pay him back but if they needed the money in the first place then they probably wouldnt be able to pay it back right away which is why they might have not given him a straight answer about paying it back. i am not going to ask his parents if they took his savings. i would not feel comfortable at all. i think that they would tell him what they needed it for so maybe he is just embaressed to tell me or it really is a situation that i do not want to hear about it. both of his parents work. his dad at the camp that they live at and his mom at kohls.

i know what you will say when i say this but i need him to be out in the open and truthful with me. i am going to sit him down seriously about this situation and tell him that i have been uncomfortable this whole week since he told me what he told me about the money. if we are going to be engaged then we need to talk about the good and the bad and ugly. i know that i need to be careful and you ladies have given me a lot of insight. since you dont know him personally the things that you ladies think are sometimes way off from how he really is. i appreciate the advice but it got to the point that i was assuming the worst of him and pretty much being depressed about for example: him being a thief, him not being ready to commit, him having a gambling problem. dont get me wrong i totally appreciate you ladies and i know that you are watching out for me because i agree that some things a girl will not let herself see when she is in love. but i know that this is for real and even if he is keeping from me what the money was for does not mean that he is using it to gamble or that he never had it. it could be something that is very hard to talk about. i have only asked him about the money twice and maybe it is just a hard thing to talk about.

i trust him and am the only one that knows his intentions. the reason that i posted about the stealing is not that i suspected something but that i was hurt and needed advice on how to deal with it. i know that we never want to think that our ff is a stealer etc. but you ladies do not know him personally in the end, which isnt a bad thing but sometimes things that we think about others are way off not because i have been given bad advice but because you dont know him. i am american and i said before that i live in the state of PA. i dont think that i change the story everytime someone suggests something and i am sorry if that happens there are just so many things that have been going on lately. i dont mean to mislead anyone and i am sorry if i have. you ladies can say all you want that we are not ready but only we will know. you do not know us personally which is not your fault at all it is a good thing at times as an impartial person. but i truly do not believe that the love of my life is doing all of the things that you ladies have suggested. my gut feeling is telling me that he is a honest person and the person i have known all along.

We will continue to be happy and work towards the ring and i will trust him that he is who i think he is. i know that some of the things that have happened are not checking out but if i ask him about them, i trust him to tell me the truth. call me stupid and immature and not ready to be engaged but in the end i trust him and know that he would never hurt me like that. I still appreciate your advice and still want it but i want you ladies to realize that you dont personally know him and it is different when you are in that person's shoes. I trust my judgment and well if in the end i am wrong then so be it, but i trust him with my life and will keep on trusting him with my life and i hope that you ladies can come to accept that and we can go back to it being normal with this. i know him and trust him.

I am sorry if i hurt anyones feelings i did not mean to but it gets to the point where the stuff that is being said and suggested is a bit ridiculous to the point that i want to just breakdown because i cant talk to anyone on here that doesnt think that he is lying to me and gambling behind my back. i know that you are giving your own opinion and suggestions but in the end you have to trust my judgement and support me in the decisions that i make even if you think he is a bad person. i am sorry again if i have offended anyone. you will still think how you think but just trust that i am in a healthy and really great relationship because he has never done anything that would make me think otherwise.

I will continue to be on the lookout and cautious but he has given me no reason to rethink his motives. i know that you ladies might be seeing red flags but i trust him with my life and know he is telling me the truth. he could be doing a or b of the things in the last post. i just dont think that he would give that excuse because i would bug him too much about it. he is a good player if that is the reason. i hope but i just dont see how that could be it. maybe..

 

[mirre]

Good luck talking with him.

If he won't/can't give you an EXACT reason as to why they needed the money ask him for a general idea... not specifically.

I hope it isn't the case but maybe one of his parents are sick and THEY don't want anyone to know (that happens) so he can't tell you why they need it. For instance he could tell you "____ is sick and they needed the help" instead of "____ was diagnosed with _____ and they couldn't pay for medicines on their own". I could see where that would be embarassing for his parents and they may not want anyone to know that they had to ask their son for help. Again I really really hope that isn't the case but it could be a scenerio like that or an idea to ask him in general if he can't tell you any details.

I agree with you that if you are planning to spend the rest of your lives together you need to be able to talk about things like this, it involves you also to a degree.

Best of luck, I hope it's nothing more than just needing a little help with some bills!

 

[diamondsgirl22]

thank you mirre. i amlost cried when i read your post. thank you for not saying that he was this or did this or anything like that. sometimes all a person needs is a little support. not that anyone wasnt giving me any i have just been so in the middle of this whole thing and it is hard at times. yes, i hope that noone is sick. but he has been very emotional lately when i try to talk to him about something. it is like he doesnt listen to what i say and just gets upset. i am beginning to think though that he does know why his parents needed the money/what overll happened to it and is just very upset and it might be hard for him to tell me. there is something and i just hope that he can get up the courage to tell me. i love him and it is hard to see him so emotionally drained lately. i know that he would tell me anything but maybe this is a bit too difficult for him to tell. i understand that and all but it is just a hard situation to be in. I hope that the talk will help and that he will talk with me like an adult. he just gets so defensive at times. i try really hard to choose my words wisely but sometimes a girl cant help what she says. arent we all a little defensive sometimes though..

 

[mirre]

I think you should tell him what you just said to us in your last post.

Don't come right out and ask him, that may not be the right way to approach it, espeically if he seems like he's been upset lately. His first instinct may be to get defensive then you're in the same situation you're in now.

Tell him you've noticed that he's been upset lately and that you would like to talk with him about it, if/when he's ready.

It may not be an embarassment thing at all... it may be that he's too upset to talk about it and knowing that you are there for him may be what he needs to hear.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

 

[diamondsgirl22]

i will let you know how it goes. but i did talk to him on the phone a bit ago and told him that i was feeling upset for a while now today and some stuff has been bothering me for a week or so and that we needed to talk because i love him and care about him. he got upset and asked me why i dont just tell him on the phone and that turned into a well if you cant talk to me on the phone about it i dont want to talk to you in person later and if you cant talk to me on the phone then how am i going to be okay with what we are talking about and it sounds like you are going to accuse me of something. i know i should have just kept it to myself but i feel awful lately. he is acting out unnormally and i just want him back to his old self. i know that his family has had trouble with their bills and also paying for a 25,000 dollar wedding this past summer probably isnt helping. thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. i hope that he can trust me to be there for him. thanks again.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/6/2007 3:27:58 PM
Author: diamondsgirl22
he has been very emotional lately when i try to talk to him about something. it is like he doesnt listen to what i say and just gets upset. i am beginning to think though that he does know why his parents needed the money/what overll happened to it and is just very upset and it might be hard for him to tell me. there is something and i just hope that he can get up the courage to tell me. i love him and it is hard to see him so emotionally drained lately. i know that he would tell me anything but maybe this is a bit too difficult for him to tell.

I''m seriously too stunned for words.

It''s like we''re watching you rewrite history & create new realities based on every new development. Giving him the absolute benefit of the doubt. So you can keep on furiously/single-mindedly pursuing that (brass) ring.

BTW -- "I know that he would tell me anything" vs. "maybe this is a bit too difficult for him to tell" is a CONTRADICTION in the same sentence.

Mirre -- I notice that many times LIW''s are upset about their FF''s behavior or a set-back about engagement occurs you''re quick to guess "Maybe he''s fooling you & really has the ring!" So, is it safe to say, you''re generally optimistic?

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/6/2007 3:48:20 PM
Author: diamondsgirl22
it sounds like you are going to accuse me of something. i know i should have just kept it to myself but i feel awful lately. he is acting out unnormally and i just want him back to his old self.

AIIIGHHH. AIIIGHHHH. AIIIIGHHH. Me stop posting now.

 

[musey]

Date: 11/6/2007 3:48:20 PM
Author: diamondsgirl22
i will let you know how it goes. but i did talk to him on the phone a bit ago and told him that i was feeling upset for a while now today and some stuff has been bothering me for a week or so and that we needed to talk because i love him and care about him. he got upset and asked me why i dont just tell him on the phone and that turned into a well if you cant talk to me on the phone about it i dont want to talk to you in person later and if you cant talk to me on the phone then how am i going to be okay with what we are talking about and it sounds like you are going to accuse me of something. i know i should have just kept it to myself but i feel awful lately. he is acting out unnormally and i just want him back to his old self.

Okay, I know he may feel sort of "under fire" lately, but to me... this seems out of line. I would not tolerate my SO snapping at me like that. It's probably just evidence of him feeling very defensive over the whole situation (not that I blame him, at all... but still), but in this situation, could very possibly be an indicator of something much more serious in his life or your relationship.

I'm a big advocate for airing things out. FI and I aren't satisfied with leaving anything important unsaid. So I don't think you should "keep things to yourself" per se (except in the case of trying to figure out if he's involved in the stealing), and if there are things upsetting you, by all means they should be talked about. And don't let him getting upset keep you from talking to him later... something like this, if left to fester for a long time, could quite possibly create a rift.

 

[mirre]

Well, I didn''t think about it like that... but I guess I try to be.

I was just wondering if it might be possible. If it were the case then that could be the reason that he''s not telling her any specifics.

But I also said that it could be that something happened with his parents and he couldn''t tell her because they asked him not to.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Diamondsgirl, Based on what you have written on this thread it seems as you go back and forth between being upset/concerned/doubtful of your boyfriend and then being supportive and trusting (sometimes you go from one to the other in the same sentence). It seems that you and your boyfriend need to get on the same page about what is going on. With the limited knowledge of your relationship that you have given us, you will have to understand why people are giving the advice that they are. We are only responding to the advice that you have asked for. If you want support, we are here for that too. But I must say that some of the things that you write are concerning…whether or not YOU think they are is up to you, like you said we don’t know you. It’s just words that we are reading and your relationship is far more then words.

I truly wish that you talk with your boyfriend goes well. I understand that he may be defensive and agitated (all of these things have been going on for almost a week now) talking about it over and over again would be difficult for me too. However if you are unsure and he is not giving you the information that you need then you need to talk to him again. I just think that in this talk you should ask all your questions and get it all out, so that you can move on from all these “steeling doubts/missed engagement deadline/parents borrowing his savings” issues can be put to rest once and for all and you can move on with your relationship on a positive foot.

Good luck tonight.

 

[diamondsgirl22]

decolighted: i do not think that i am creating new realities in any sort of way. As i am learning new things i have different feelings including my past ones. It is like if your dog dies, you are sad, but then to find out that he was poisoned by your neighbor, that makes you angry. i am learning new things as time progresses and i am not going to sit here and be told that i cannot have more than one feeling/ a change in feelings and if i do that makes me create new realities and changes my stories. i have not in anyway changed my stories.

I do now give him the benefit of the doubt because i have talked with him and trust him. and i am not contradicting myself at all. and about how i said that i trust him to tell me the truth but maybe this is a little difficult for him to tell me is not contradicting myself. i know he would tell me anything but if something is emotionally hard for them to tell even their gf then they would have a hard time telling it to them. even if you tell someone everything and they trust you to tell them everything does not mean that they could tell you something that is very emotional for them so easily.
so how am i as you put it furiously/single mindedly pursuing that (brass) ring? why did you include brass?

If you call trusting my bf and believing that he would never do anything to hurt me being that, then there you go. i dont understand why you are so upset about this subject so much.

kayak queen: i am sorry if i have been saying different things i just really do have a lot of feelings about this and they are all different. i am trying as hard as i can to keep everything straight. thank you for the support.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

There is a difference between trust and ignorance and not a single lady on this board wants to watch you make excuse after excuse only to end up hurt or without in the end.

 

[diamondsgirl22]

none of this makes any sense. i dont see how i am being ignorant or making excuses. maybe i just need to watch how i write things sometimes.