Completely Devastated...

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/1/2007 12:48:23 AM
Author: somethingshiny
Moon Water~ This guy was a complete creep! DH helped him work on his car repeatedly. When their daughter needed a place to go after school, she came to our house. She came over for help with her homework, too. This guy was in my house invited!


He just got out of jail last month. He was supposed to serve 7 years for our burglary, and 12 years for the neighbor''s burglary. The guy was out in 2.5 years. Now, I know that there are REALLY bad people who need the cells, but come on. That''s ridiculous!

Yeah 2.5 years is NOT enough. Did they figure out what his problem was? Kleptomaniac? Psycho?!? I mean really, who does that?!?!?!

 

[diamondsgirl22]

the promise of proposing to me was not made that night of the argument so it was a good deadline and was not made under durress. as i stated above the reaons that he didnt ask me were because of how both of our parents feel that we should wait a little longer and since his parents needed the money from his bank account that left him with nothing. the only reason he never told me about breaking the promise until last night is because his parents just needed the money right away and because he had hoped that both sets of parents would agree and everything would be set to ask me before november. he has the right to ask me whether our parents like it or not but we both know that they have been married a long time and when they suggest something that they have had life experience in then we usually follow. we are stilll going to keep talking to our parents about it because we want them to support us. he wants to be engaged now and so he is going to keep talking to them so that they will understand at some point. i dont want to make it seem like it is our parents decision as to when we get engaged but that is a part of it. so i guess that i am now not knowing when he will ask along with a lot of other ladies. he is very pesistent in having things how he and i want them and not what other people want(which is what he has to go by and that makes him the most upset and angry) so i am sure that he will come to an agreement with both sets of parents. we both are upset about not being engaged. why wouldnt we be? i am sad now because i know that it will be longer until he asks. he gets upset about it because he wants to ask me also and he deals with my feelings ontop of his becasue i am so disappointed and so he feels twice as bad. which i know he would because he is the one that cant make my dreams come true right now and that is the only thing that he wants to do. so when i am not happy and upset he feels bad. we all do it. it is a part of life.

As far as the stealing goes, my parents want to forget about it since it has stopped. and i do believe very strongly that it could have been an outside force and not my bf or brother. they believe that it was our neighbor but they wont do any further investigating. i am still going to be careful overall because it is the smart thing to do and i hope that you ladies do not see me as stupid to trust my bf. he loves me though and i have no reason to not believe him. this lesson is what i learned last night when i talked to my bf. i guess that even though we think we have it figured out there is always another lesson to learn.it was a good one to learn though becaue now i trust him more than ever. he is not coming over to my house for a while now, i want to see if anything happens. although my mother said that the money stopped and the toilet thing stopped as soon as she moved the key, which is really creepy. our neighbors did know where the key was because the one guy house sits while we are away sometimes. not anymore!!! Well, thank you for all of your comments and i just hope that you ladies can still look at me as a decent person and help me out with different things as I still go through this LIW process. If you have anymore comments or questions please feel free to ask.

 

[Independent Gal]

OK, hold on. WHAT?!? Someone was breaking into your house to go pee? That is just too bizarre. And your parents never called the police or anything?

I mean, WHAT!? Why on earth would a neighbour go pee in your house? Leaving DNA all over the place, e.g. Why not just go home? It makes NO SENSE!!!!

Something very weird is going on.

It''s a shame that your boyfriend didn''t feel like he could tell you about giving all his money to his parents. Especially since it''s something that concerns you too. What a shame. Sorry to hear things are tough at the moment.

 

[goodfun7580]

I''m glad you got the stealing thing figured out! It would have made no sense to believe your bf picked up a stealing habit in the past 6 months, although stranger things have happened. Its good to hear that your dad just overreacted, even though it gave you quite a scare.

As for your bf not proposing, I understand the situation, but I think he once he realized that both your parents didn''t think this was the right time (how old are you two by the way?) he should have come to you, instead of making you wait until the end of his deadline, thinking and hoping the whole time he was going to propose. I understand the situation and I think your taking it quite well, but I would let him know in the future, that if something comes up and its not going to happen, he should let you know rather than leading you to think it could happen.

I don''t know if you have to means to move out, but that might be a step to show your parents and his that your an adult and can take care of yourself. I also don''t know what his situation is. I know in many areas its to expensive to get a place yourself and that lots of people live with there parents (I know I did for 2 years after college before I moved in with my bf) but anything you can do to show them that you are serious and can take care of yourself would be good. Or maybe you and your bf can get a place together, if you aren''t morally against it. Also you moving out would solve alot of the money stealing suspicsions since your bf wouldn''t be there everyday, he could just go over to your place and hang out.

Well I hope that your engagement comes sooner rather than later!

 

[kellybelly]

how old are you and your boyfriend? if you''re under age 30, don''t panic too much about not being engaged. you have plenty of time, and if you want a little longer, another 2 years, thats all the more time you have to save your pennies and get your overall finances in order to prepare for a life together. i''m sure you''re excited (aren''t we all?) but as the saying goes "haste makes waste". have fun now, don''t bog yoruself down with worries.

 

[diamondsgirl22]

yah our neighbor is getting older and he takes a lot of pills. the reason no cops is because my mom put two and two together and realized what might be occurring. she never really thought that at the beginning.

I am 20 and he is 21. yeah you might think that it is young but we are very different for our ages. we just cant live together. our parents would not be okay with that. B is going to be finishing a class for $6500 feb-june so he doesnt have the extra money to move out and i am paying $2500 a year for ar insurance on top of payments for my car. just not enough money to go around. i couldnt live on my own even if i worked more hours at work.we could live together perfectly fine but as i will state below not going to happen.

i could move out if i was paying half of that a year but i cant. i really want to also. my parents treat me with very well maturity. And they should because everyone has a different level of maturity at different ages. both sets of parents talk about us wanting to get engaged evidentally they think that i am too young. which that is okay for them to think. my parents got engaged and married when they were 27.

i think that that is mostly their problem because for them 27 worked. not for us though and that is why they are like that. and his mom had a kid at 18 and got married in their early 20s i think. we both would move out and get a place together but our parents..my parents esp. are very much against living together before marriage. i would love to but wow, my parents would consider it a sin and against god. which is why i think that is one of the reasons they think that it is too soon for us to make a committment like that. i wouldnt want to be engaged as much if we lived together. i am just ready to make one of those choices and it seems like neither are okay with my parents. his parents are being better about it and i think that is because they were married younger. my parents are just difficult about the moving in with him thing. his sister lived with her parents until the day of her wedding. she was 22. my mom and dad got married when they were 27 so that is part of why they think that i am too young. his mom had a kid when she was 18 and married her now husband early on so that is why they are not as worried about the age thing. his dad is a pastor and doesnt care if we were to move in together or not and my parents think that is is morally wrong and sinful against god if we were to. a big no no in their book. which is kind of weird. sometimes my parents are way too close minded. we both would love to move in together but our parents would not agree at all. he was going to move in with a friend and i dont know what happened with that i will have to see. bf''s sister got engaged when she was 6 months away from 21 so i dont see how i am considered too young. yeah i might be younger than her but why should you have to compare ages just to make it be okay??? my parents just are very unreasonable i wish you ladies could know them first hand like i do. i am sure that they would find somewhere in the bible where it says that you have to be a certain age before you are engaged even if the wedding is 2 years away. i hope not to offend anyone but there is a line where things get ridiculous and my parents get that way way too often.

Bottom line is that both sets of parents are against us living together before marriage mine more than his and they are going to think how they think no matter what age i am. my parents are very set in their ways of thinking because as you have noticed the average parents would let theit child make those decisions on their own. it is an awful situation because we both do not have the money alone to move out and if we did we would have to find a stranger to live with because our parents dont think it is okay to live together. we might seem young but it is just right for us. i think that everyone has a different level of maturity no matter the age. for us this engagement is right for us. now i cant say that it would be right for another couple our ages. i guess in the end we only know how we feel not our parents. they might try to help us and guide our decisions to what they think is best for us but in the end we decide how we feel about each other and what we know is best for our relationship.

his dad owns a summer camp and now that he is getting older they are thinking about retiring. he lives at the camp and when you no longer direct the camp you have to move because the director lives in the house that is on the camp. so i am not sure if they are moving this coming summer or the one after that. i am sure that they said after the summer of 07 which is coming. they will be moving where all of their family is which is in pittsburgh. that means that B will have to move to a different place sseings how the new director of the camp has to move into the house. he will either have to find a friend to share a place with or just move straight to where his job will be which is dallas,texas. ahhhh!!! that means that if he does that i would not want to stay up in pa. that problem will be sorted out when the time comes just sharing a little family history. at that point though even if his parents are not okay with it they will be moving so he will have to disregard their feelings and do what he wants. i cant see anybody being unreasonable though by that much longer. it is just something that he will have to decide on by himself whether he will ask when they are okay with it or not. and i am never sure that my parents will ever be 100% okay with it. they would find some reason why it cant happen. i am not trying to bash them but it is their nature to be ridiculous. and who knows maybe they just needed some time to hear that he wanted to ask me and just need to realize that i am growing up. we will see. sorry if you expected me to be older like around 23 or something. i can tell you that i feel like i am and that is why my parents are probably seeing this a little differently than i am. thanks for giving me your advice

 

[mirre]

My vote would also be to mark the bills however I see potential reasons it would not work out with the previous posters' ways to doing it.

If you put a $20 bill on the counter out in the open... if it was stolen that would be really obvious for you to know that it was stolen vs. out of your wallet. Therefore the thief may not take the bait (unless they wanted it bad enough they didn't care).

I like the idea of just putting in your purse and calling a family meeting once you notice it's gone to ask to see everyone's money. However, if you don't notice that it's gone until the next day... whoever took it may have already spent it therefore they wouldn't have it in their wallet. You'd almost have to check your purse regularly (maybe every few hours throughout the day). This would most likely be the best way to do it though.

Because by asking to see EVERYONE'S money you aren't accussing anyone and noone hsould be offended unless they did it. Also if your parents are so insistent that your brother didn't take it that they wouldn't check his money then this is a way to check it. He most likely would have it hidden anyway so they may not even know where to look.

The way I would do it is just say I have money missing and I'd like to see everyone's money to see if anyone in the house took it or if we need to suspect that someone is coming into our house while we're asleep. If they ask why or how you would know your money from their's I wouldn't say you have it marked, just say that you'll know it if you see it. If you tell them it's marked and all you've done is put dots in the corners then let's say it was your brother and he goes to get his money... he may look for something on the bills then leave that in his room and bring all the unmarked bills.

If your parents really want to know who's doing it I would think they wouldn't be against putting up a tiny camera only pointed at where her purse usually sits at night... that would catch whoever is doing it... even the neighbor if it's that, which I really hope it's not. That's scary then you have a bigger problem.

This sounds very sneaky and not sure you want to go this route... don't even know that I'd do it personally but it would be an option. If you talk to his parents regularly you could just mention that you've all, meaning you and your parents, have been noticing that you've had money come up missing quite a bit lately. Not that you think it is your brother or your FF leave them both out of it. Hopefully that'll be enough for them to say "You know we have too" or "Hmm... nothing strange around here". If they notice the same thing then it might be reason to suspect FF. That is if I read it right that he's living with parents again.

Good luck! Let us know how everything goes.

BTW, I just read something about your neighbor using your "facilities"... one way to stop that and rule him out as a suspect, and a good idea in general. CHANGE YOUR LOCKS!!! That's scary!

 

[Kayakqueen83]

"I wouldn’t want to be engaged as much if we lived together. I am just ready to make one of those choices”

That sentence worried me a bit. I understand wanting to be in that point in your relationship but it seems like you just want “the next step” in your life. Maybe you are tired of being in the same place in your relationship and want that show of commitment? Which I understand, I get that way too sometimes, but I think it is important to look at the life that you are planning with your boyfriend. If you do want to marry him, don’t you want to marriage to be stable, financially, emotionally, ect? I think that perhaps you should talk to your boyfriend about what you want in life. If you are mature enough to be married you should be mature enough to be financially independent from your parents, in my opinion. I understand not being in the point financially to be able to move out of your respective parents houses, but maybe that should be a goal for the both of you BEFORE you get engaged. I know that in college I paid my mortgage, my bills, my homeowner’s insurance, ect, but when I got out of college and I started paying for everything without any help, it was a big kick in the butt and very difficult to get used to. I’m glad I got on my own two feet on my own before discussing engagement with my boyfriend. Perhaps it would be a good idea to get on your own feet independently, get to the point in your life where you CAN move out with a friend or start paying more and more of your bills, and then talk about merging your lives together.

I understand that you are mature enough to be engaged. I would never try to assume that because of your age your relationship isn’t mature, because I don’t know you personally. But just being mature enough doesn’t necessarily mean that getting engaged is right logistically at this time. I know that it the case in my relationship.

Just something for you to think about, and just my two cents. Maybe you two should talk about your individual goals and financial goals for when you get married and base your engagement timeline on those goals? Those kind of talks are never a bad thing!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I am very glad that it seems the accusations have stopped flying and it seems as though everything was explained.

Now, of course I am going to sit here and tell you that you are too young to be getting engaged. Not because you are 20 years old but because it sounds as though neither you nor your BF could support yourselves without the help of both sets of parents. I fully believe that before you are in any position to make a lifelong commitment to another person you have to be able to stand on your own two feet especially where finances are concerned.

Not every parent out there would want their child to become engaged knowing their child has almost no way to support themselves. I believe most parents would rather see their child become financially stable and fully independent before taking such a huge step in life. At your age, I too thought my parents were ridiculous. I wanted to move off-campus and get an apartment and they wouldn’t bend on it. 8 years, 4 apartments and 1 house later, I realize they were not trying to make my life more complicated because they were unreasonable, they were trying to make sure that I was ready to accept the challenges that come once you are on your own.

I know you are excited to start your life with your BF. I understand wanting to move in with him and that because of strong religious undertones, your families oppose the idea until you are engaged or married. Try to understand, though, that moving in with your BF would probably only intensify your desire to be engaged and would only serve to frustrate you more. If you want to start showing your families you are both ready to handle the realities of life, start saving towards your future together. Perhaps you create a budget for yourself where you are able to start putting money aside for your own apartment. Maybe once both sets of parents see you and your BF working hard at individual goals and individual growth, they will be more supportive of your desire to be engaged. It doesn’t sound like they are against you and your BF being together and spending the rest of your lives together, it simply sounds like they want you both to be ready for this step. I think they are protecting both of you because they love you and want you to take the next step only once you have both shown that you can tackle all the scary parts of being on your own.

 

[diamondsgirl22]

i completely agree with you. i know that is not the full reason why they say what they say, about needing us to be fiancially stable. his sister was not finacially stable nor was her bf when they got engaged so i know that it isnt about being able to support ourselves. we arent even able to move in together when we get engaged. it is strictly that we have to wait until marriage. that is why i am so mad because if it was about being finacially stable for the both of us then that is fixable but that is not how the parents feel. it is simply the too young story. i agree with you 100% but i wish that that was the case with our parents. they could care less about us having to be finacially stable to be engaged. and we both are just not enough to be able to pay for rent, a car, insurance, and everything else. there is no way unless i quit my job that i will be able to pay for all of that by myself. i understand everyone's points but i just cant see it working that way for me. i will have to wait until marriage to get out of my parents house. i have seen a lot of people do it that way and their relationship turned out just fine so i guess that it is different for everyone. i will just have to find out the way that it works for the 2 of us.

thanks for all of your advice. we have talked about our goals so we are on the same page as far as life etc, so the only thing that i can do is wait. i am sure that as things change with school etc that people will have different thoughts. i just dont see how getting my own place would work. i would love to but it might work out better if someone else was there with me, which i would want it to be my bf, and that surely isnt going to happen. i wont give up though and i am sure that it will get worked out someway.

we could support each other with each other but as i stated above we cant move in together. it isnt that we cant it is that we are not allowed to/a big no no.

 

[Laurenj915]

Date: 11/1/2007 10:26:38 AM
Author: kellybelly
how old are you and your boyfriend? if you''re under age 30, don''t panic

And if your over 30???

lol, I guess I am allowed to panic.

 

[Tuesday]

>>it is that we are not allowed to/a big no no.

If you''re still letting your parents dictate what you can and can''t do as an adult, then you really are too immature to be getting married.

 

[mirre]

Tuesday it may not be that she is letting them "dictate" what she can and cannot do. I am still in college and although I pay most of my own bills my parents pay the major stuff like insurance. If they didn't pay that for me I would have to quit school and work full-time, meaning not graduate college, in order to pay for the things that I need. If I did something that they specifically asked me not to and gave me valid reasons why not to do it, and it came down to quitting school or respecting their wishes and finishing school I would do what they told me.

She may be in similar situation. That does not mean she or anyone else in a situation like that isn't old enough, mature enough, or ready to be engaged.

I live with my BF and I asked my mom about it before I moved in with him. I didn't ask her so much to be asking "permission" (I haven't lived with my parents since 2004), I asked her because I wanted her to be ok with it before I just went out and moved in with him. At first she said no and after a few discussions about it she agreed. If she wouldn't have been ok with it and I just moved in with him that would have made things difficult between she and I, and that's tension that I did not want.

 

[kellybelly]

i just turned 30 in june....which is why i now panic! ha ha

 

[dps777]

I figured I would throw my 2 cents into this...For the record, I don''t believe in an under 30/above 30 panic button! Everyone is different and age is truly relative when it comes to such things- IMHO, of course!

 

[Tuesday]

Mirre,

I have to respectfully disagree with you. A mature adult might say they want to respect their parents wishes/belief/culture and try to foster a supportive environment for something as important as marriage. When an adult says that they are "not allowed" to do something because of their parents I tend to feel they don''t have an emotionally mature enough relationship with them to assert their own needs and independence. A huge part of growing up is realizing that our desires for our lives will clash with what our parents want for us, and learning that ultimately we are the only people responsible for our happiness.

I only know diamondsgirl22 from what she is posted here, and while I wish her nothing but the best, it just doesn''t sound like engagement or marriage is something she''s ready for yet. Both she and her BF need to learn how to manage their lives as individuals and understand the reality of a committed, adult relationship apart from their parents.

Entering into marriage means you are making a conscious commitment to your partner that takes priority over your relationship with your parents. It''s an unfortunate reality, but when you''re married there are going to be a lot of times when you have to choose between your spouse''s and your parents'' wishes. One of the hardest things about being a young newlywed for me (I am divorced, was married at 21) was learning to choose my spouse over my parents. Especially when your parents have very strong opinions or beliefs about how you should be living your life. I definitely think it''s important to listen to your parents wisdom, often they have learned things the hard way and can help you avoid a lot of strife; however, they aren''t the ones living your life.


As an aside, I don''t see why your parents not paying for your school would mean that you wouldn''t graduate. I worked full time and went to school full time in order to get my degree. It took me a bit longer than most people, but it was not impossible. I moved out of my parents house within a few weeks of graduating high school. While my parents didn''t approve, they still loved me and supported me because they knew it was important to my growth and happiness.

 

[Independent Gal]

I'm with Tuesday on this one.

I also was struck by "not allowed to" sounding a little on the young side for marriage. If you're too young to make your own decisions on moral matters, you're too young to get married for SURE.

People make it on their own all the time. Plenty of people who are 20 don't live at home and pay their own way. I sure as heck did. It can be done. You are allowed to do it. If you don't, its because you choose not to, not because you aren't allowed. I also largely supported myself from the time I was 18 or so, and managed to get 4 degrees without my parents' help.

Respecting your parents is one thing - a life long thing - but waiting "to be allowed to" is another. The fact that OP is even THINKING in those terms (i.e., conceptualizes it as "being allowed") is cause for pause.

But it's her life and her love, not ours!

I hope things start looking up for you. You sound like a nice girl.

 

[mirre]

Currently I am working as close to full-time as I can and I go to school full-time.

I'm sorry I missed/or forget when I was typing, the "not allowed to".

I do not let my parents make my decisions. Sometimes it is hard for me to ultimately decide what I really need to do and come to grips with "it's my life".

I agree with everyone's point that they can't exactly "not allow" her to do something, because in reality she can do it if she chose to.

Oh and yes I'm sorry for the quitting school comment, I would actually be able to finish school... I mean there's always evening/night classes. I guess just because I went straight from high school to college and I'm graduating in May that I'm so used to "typical" classes that I forget about the other options that are out there.

I hope I didn't upset or offend anyone... that is definately not what I intended. If so, I appologize.

 

[anchor31]

I agree with Tuesday and Indy... I was engaged last year at 21 as an undergrad, so my opinion has nothing to do with your age, diamond22. Some people wait until marriage to move in together because of their beliefs and I respect that. But if doing so is not your own belief and it makes you unhappy, yet you are still doing just because it''s not what your parents want... Well, that means you are not ready to put your relationship before what your parents want, and you should wait until you are to get engaged.

I was faced with a similar problem. My parents have no problems with us getting married; they are glad we are waiting until I''m done with undergrad, but wouldn''t have stopped us otherwise. However, moving in together before that was a big "no-no", as you say. His parents didn''t (and still don''t) want us to get married. What then-BF and I wanted was to get engaged, move in together and then get married, which obviously didn''t agree with what our parents "allowed".

FI and I talked about it and decided that, as grown adults, we have to start making choices for ourselves. We decided that if we were ready to commit to each other we had to choose each other over our parents. So we told our parents of our plans and told them that we intended to do this with or without their support, but that we were hoping that they would understand and support us. My parents gave us their blessing (which is different than a permission). His parents did not, and are not handling being second on their son''s priority list very well. Nevertheless, we got engaged, moved in together, and are getting married in 9 months. My FI loves his parents and wishes to have a good relationship with them, but he knew that if he wanted to be with me, he had to cut the apron strings and stand up for what he wanted.

If you''re not ready to do that, it''s not wrong. It doesn''t mean that you''re a bad or stupid person or even immature. It just means you''re not ready. Just wait a couple more years, graduate, make a life for yourself. Once you are both ready to put your partner first, then commit to each other.

Good luck!

 

[CaliCushion]

Anchor31, VERY well put. I agree entirely and won''t waste everytimes time writing the exact same thing. This past January, My bf of then 2 years (VERY soon to be fiance) and I decided to move in togeather. He was 28, I was 25. His parents are Catholic and do not believe in living togeather before marriage. However, we decided that living togeather was the right thing for us. Bf had a talk with his parents and told them that he was going to move in with me, and that even though he knew they did not approve of the situation, he hoped that they would respect his decision and try to support him.

While BF''s parents would still prefer we don''t live togeather, they are accepting of the fact that their son is an adult and does not have all of the same beliefs as them. We all get along. I am respectful of their belief system too, and when Bf and I go to visit them, we sleep in seperate rooms. Living togeather before marriage is not right for everyone. However, I do not believe that a lack of parental "permission" should be the only impediment.

 

[partgypsy]

I don''t know if it''s just me, hard for me to follow what exactly happened, for example

"you are right, kind of weird that he gave it to me after i was teasing him about it. but that was really his 20 because i saw it in his wallet and also saw my 20. they were two seperate 20s."

It sounds like there were 2 20''s in his wallet, his 20 and your 20. Which again makes me not understand why it was in his wallet.

If you really wanted to catch the thief, you wouldn''t really want to tell anyone about the camera, it kind of defeats the purpose. However I don''t think your neighbor completely explains it as you and possibly your parents were missing money after they changed where the key was. There is no way for you to determine the truth unless you do detective work, but it sounds like neither you nor your parents really want to find out who stole the money, for different reasons. Personally I would much rather have a cool head and figure out who did it (if anyone) than have needless suspicions that hurt relationships all around.

 

[Pandora II]

At 19, I moved to Ireland and lived with my ex-bf who was 21.

My parents hated him, and his mother was an ex-nun who didn''t approve of living in sin.

We did what we wanted to do and what was right for us. If the parents didn''t come round - so be it.

My life is my life and I will make mistakes on my own if necessary.

As it turned out, after 6 months of ''playing mummies and daddies'' in our house, I decided that it was so not for me. Went back to university, split up with the bf, travelled the world, developed my career and am now happily engaged at 35 and now ready to play mummies and daddies. We told our parents that we were getting married - there was no permission involved. We are both adults and don''t need permission.

Marrying straight from your parents house in this day and age is a big mistake in my opinion. If YOU decide that you want to live apart before engagement and before marriage that is one thing, but to be in that position because someone else says so.

So, do you care more about your parents wishes or your own?

I think you both need to cut some apron-strings and take some responsibility for your own lives and gain some independence before you are ready to even think about getting engaged.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/1/2007 2:16:36 PM
Author: Tuesday
Mirre,


I have to respectfully disagree with you. A mature adult might say they want to respect their parents wishes/belief/culture and try to foster a supportive environment for something as important as marriage. When an adult says that they are 'not allowed' to do something because of their parents I tend to feel they don't have an emotionally mature enough relationship with them to assert their own needs and independence. A huge part of growing up is realizing that our desires for our lives will clash with what our parents want for us, and learning that ultimately we are the only people responsible for our happiness.


I only know diamondsgirl22 from what she is posted here, and while I wish her nothing but the best, it just doesn't sound like engagement or marriage is something she's ready for yet. Both she and her BF need to learn how to manage their lives as individuals and understand the reality of a committed, adult relationship apart from their parents.


Entering into marriage means you are making a conscious commitment to your partner that takes priority over your relationship with your parents. It's an unfortunate reality, but when you're married there are going to be a lot of times when you have to choose between your spouse's and your parents' wishes. One of the hardest things about being a young newlywed for me (I am divorced, was married at 21) was learning to choose my spouse over my parents. Especially when your parents have very strong opinions or beliefs about how you should be living your life. I definitely think it's important to listen to your parents wisdom, often they have learned things the hard way and can help you avoid a lot of strife; however, they aren't the ones living your life.



As an aside, I don't see why your parents not paying for your school would mean that you wouldn't graduate. I worked full time and went to school full time in order to get my degree. It took me a bit longer than most people, but it was not impossible. I moved out of my parents house within a few weeks of graduating high school. While my parents didn't approve, they still loved me and supported me because they knew it was important to my growth and happiness.

I agree with everything you said in this post and the one prior to this. I must add that I work full-time, commute 3 hours a day, and go to school full-time ALL YEAR AROUND. In fact, I am currently taking 5 classes earning straight As (ok, ONE B), so it can be done. There comes a point where your parents can not control what you want to do in life. When you realize you do not want to be in that compromising positing anymore, you do whatever you can to make sure you do not have to rely on your parents in that way.

Date: 11/1/2007 2:33:15 PM
Author: Independent Gal

I also largely supported myself from the time I was 18 or so, and managed to get 4 degrees without my parents' help.

ETA: You go girl! My god!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

dg22, I read through this entire thread with the idea that your BF is innocent. But one thing you said raised a red flag for me. You were supposed to be getting engaged by the end of October, but he suddenly did not have any savings because he had to give the money to his parents??? This sounds more fishy to me that anything. There''s no way I would be expecting my kids who are around your age to give up their engagement ring savings to help me out! I believe that I could borrow money on my own without having to take my kids'' money. I think you need to find a time you are alone with his parents and question them about him giving them his savings. For money to be missing at your house and then for all his savings to be gone, that does sound like something is going on. I''m sorry, because I was ready to defend him until you said that. The only other possibility is that he has already bought the ring and he wants to surprise you. That would be the best case scenario. I do not see how the neighbor could have been sneaking in your house while people''s purses and wallets were around without someone seeing him! And what about your BF saying he saw your brother take something out of your purse? That does not work with the neighbor theory. You shouldn''t have told him about the missing money. I think a great opportunity was missed to try and be sure who it really was.

(And as a mom, I think it is nice that you respect your parents and are making the choice not to move in together. Living with your parents should allow you both to save plenty of money to allow you to get a ring, save for the wedding, etc., except that your BF does not seem to be doing that.)

 

[Alienor]

Date: 11/4/2007 1:15:33 AM
Author: diamondseeker2006
dg22, I read through this entire thread with the idea that your BF is innocent. But one thing you said raised a red flag for me. You were supposed to be getting engaged by the end of October, but he suddenly did not have any savings because he had to give the money to his parents??? This sounds more fishy to me that anything. There''s no way I would be expecting my kids who are around your age to give up their engagement ring savings to help me out! I believe that I could borrow money on my own without having to take my kids'' money. I think you need to find a time you are alone with his parents and question them about him giving them his savings. For money to be missing at your house and then for all his savings to be gone, that does sound like something is going on. I''m sorry, because I was ready to defend him until you said that. The only other possibility is that he has already bought the ring and he wants to surprise you. That would be the best case scenario. I do not see how the neighbor could have been sneaking in your house while people''s purses and wallets were around without someone seeing him! And what about your BF saying he saw your brother take something out of your purse? That does not work with the neighbor theory. You shouldn''t have told him about the missing money. I think a great opportunity was missed to try and be sure who it really was.


(And as a mom, I think it is nice that you respect your parents and are making the choice not to move in together. Living with your parents should allow you both to save plenty of money to allow you to get a ring, save for the wedding, etc., except that your BF does not seem to be doing that.)

I am agreeing with Diamond seeker. I am seeing a huge gambling red flag.
There is no rush in getting married. The most important thing is to be happy to live another day with the love of your life. You have an entire life ahead of you.
And follow your guts instinct. I wish someone told me that when i was with my ex,

It would have saved me a lot of heartache.
Good luck to you Diamondsgirl.

 

[diamondsgirl22]

thank you for all of your advice. i am going to talk to him tonight about why it has to be what his parents and mine want and why we just cant do what we want. it isnt that we are waiting for their permission he says, but it feels like it. i do not want to have him keep talking with his parents until they say that it is okay because then it would be their decision and on THEIR time schedule instead of ours. we do care about what our parents think which is why we do not want to upset them completely. i dont feel that we are too immature to be engaged just because we care about our parents thoughts. they support us very well and we will make our own choices. i talk to him about it a lot and i do not understand why he cant just ask me even if his parents think that it is too soon. another part of it is that he wants to ask my dad / get his blessing. which if they think that i am too young and that we should wait B does not want to ask him and have him say no, because then he said that he would not want to ask me out of respect for my parents. it is mostly about respecting their wishes. i just dont understand why my BF wont just do what he really wants and why he is allowing them to control his decision. i am going to try and talk to him but when i do he just says that he cant just ask me when they tell him to wait. What do i say to that? he cares more than i do about what our parents think but we both want it to be a celebrated engagement instead of having everyone angry because they think that we needed to wait.

As far as his savings being given to his parents, i trust him and he has given them money before so i believe that he has told the truth. i could ask him casually why he gave money to them but as i remember before he just said to pay the bills etc.

 

[Upgradable]

I''ve followed your whole story and I''m about to give you some strong medicine. It just sounds like he''s not ready to commit. It''s as simple as that, and no amount of cajoling on your part or stories/excuses on his makes it any different. That isn''t bad. In fact you need to respect that for whatever reason now is not a good time. Your pushing the point is not going to make it happen.

 

[anchor31]

I have to agree with Upgradable here... It doesn''t sound like he''s ready. But as I''ve said before, it doesn''t mean he''s a bad person, he just needs a little more time. Not many boys propose at 21! It sounds like it will come, you''ll just need to be a little more patient.

 

[diamondsgirl22]

so i talked to my guy last night and about the exact reason that we could not be engaged right now. i told him that i care about our decision and not our parents. the only thing that stopped him from asking me before was the money. since he had offered his parents the money he has no money left to buy a ring. he selflessy gave the money in his savings to his parents. yeah they did ask him for it but he could make the decision. he did it because they needed it more than he did to get a ring at that point. he is a kind person that cares about other people more than himself. yes he could have not given it to them and gotten me a ring and i would be engaged to him right now. but i would have to know that for my luxuries his parents needed it more than i did at that point. he is currently saving for a ring again and wants to ask me as soon as he can but doesnt know the exact time he will. but he said that he would have asked me if he still would have had the money. i understand why and as much as i am upset about that he did a good thing for his parents. so the reason he hasnt asked isnt because of what our parents think it is about having money which is fine by me. he said that no matter what our parents would have thought/do think that he will and would have asked me anyways because he is ready to commit and be engaged to me. he said that , i didnt put the words there or force him to say that. i trust his judgement and now all is well. so maybe by christmas, maybe not but i am just happy to have him and have him acting like he cant wait to ask me. it is a great feeling.

 

[mirre]

I think most of you have misread or misunderstood my post. I never said I asked for my parents permission to do anything I asked my mom before I moved in with my BF to see how she felt about it. I already knew what I was going to do.

I am very independent... aside from her paying my insurance because she promised that as long as I am in college she would pay for my insurance... I pay ALL of my OWN bills. That does not make me TOO IMMATURE to be engaged.

I was simply saying that if HER parents pay for most of her stuff it may be that type of situation that she feels like she should do what they ask of her.

A few months ago there was a disagreement between my mom and I and then BF said he was tired of her making me cry all the time so he had said something to her about it. So she came to where we were at and of course decided to cause a scene in the store after we had told her we could talk outside AFTER we made our purchase. She didn''t want to talk it out and get our side she just kept talking over both of us and jumping to conclusions, then walked out, to leave me to do everything on my own as she put it. I started to walk out after her, and BF called me back to where he was at... my worry was that I still needed her to help me with paying for some of my things and he explained that WE could do it on our own, and I realize that now. Yes I still need my mom, but I don''t need her to help me financially, and I don''t need her permission to do anything.

Trust me... I understand what all of you are saying but I think that you had me confused.