Caring for the elderly.

[Kaleigh]

Date: 5/21/2008 5:34:16 PM
Author: diamondsrock
Yay Lisa! What great news! So glad to hear that and was wondering how he made out.

Gotta say it''s been a rough week. Nana has been not so good this week, with really bad anxiety. She had an injection in her eye on Monday (she has macular degeneration) and was very nervous about it. This is her one good eye so I understand her anxiety, but it went well, she can see a bit better already, but she''s still a nervous wreck. Her niece is visiting from Canada and is trying to be good company for her, but it''s tough. She is very depressed, talks about how she wishes she could just go to sleep and not wake up

Very upsetting to hear hear talk about that. Her family dr. put her on zoloft last Friday so I''m hoping that will help, although it''s not an immediate fix. It takes a while and her patience is not so good these days. She wants to feel better today. This morning she thought she was having a heart attack so called the ambulance, but at the hospital the dr. said it was a panic attack, which is better news of course.
She has been very emotional lately, crying, asking me to sell my home and buy one with an in-law apartment for her, then saying she wants to go to assisted living, etc....To be honest I''m pretty burned out right about now. I don''t feel she would be happy anywhere at this point. Her best friend is in the nursing home and doesn''t look like she''ll be leaving so that has been hard. Also, she gave up driving and being as fiercely independent as she is that has been very, very difficult for her. I always hear how she used to drive, used to do things, etc....I don''t think she can accept the fact that she is 86 and her activities are limited. I know she has valid reasons to be depressed, but she is beyond that. Also, she enjoys getting sympathy, attention, etc....like many older people. I''m not saying that''s a bad thing, but it can become problematic. She was telling her physical therapist last week about her woes trying to get sympathy and I just had to put my head down and read my book and keep quiet! She will tell pretty much anyone who will listen, and believe me, I listen A LOT.
Just venting....sorry for the rant!

Vent away, that''s what this thread is for, thanks to Ellen. I hear you, this is hard. My Nanny lost sight in one eye, but we never knew about any kind of injections to help her good eye. She died, shortly after she lost sight in her good eye. She was so miserable, and sad not being able to do what she was used to doing. Reading was her true love. I bought books with big type. Gave her a maginifying glass. But yes, all I heard was, well don''t bother, I won''t be here much longer. I kept her spirits up as best I could. I know the battle, and can only say I hear you, hang in there. And send you a big HUG. Lisa

 

[justjulia]

Bumping ...to see how everyone is doing...

I had a bit of a difficult moment yesterday when I was shopping with my daughter I came upon a shirt and w/o thinking said, "mom would really like this." Ugh that was hard.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 5/30/2008 6:31:48 AM
Author: justjulia
Bumping ...to see how everyone is doing...

I had a bit of a difficult moment yesterday when I was shopping with my daughter I came upon a shirt and w/o thinking said, 'mom would really like this.' Ugh that was hard.

{{hug}}

I too would like to hear how everyone's doing. Nothing much new on my front.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 5/30/2008 7:12:59 AM

Author: Ellen

I too would like to hear how everyone''s doing. Nothing much new on my front.

My mother died yesterday, May 29. It was not a surprise. We had been told, earlier in the week, that she was, "slipping away". Apparently her vital signs had changed. The doctor at the nursing home told my father that if she went to the hospital they could probably "prop her up" for a while, but she had been through so much that it was clear that he did not want us to do that without thinking. Her C-difficile had come back.

If the IV was continued, fluid could, apparently build up and have to be removed in a way causing her pain. So the IV was stopped. It took her a long time to die and was very painful to watch. I did not have to see all of it, because my daughter responded to her decline by taking an overdose of pills after two days of watching this. She poisoned herself with Tylenol and had to be hospitalized and given an antidote intravenously. She (and I) was lucky; she did not damage her liver.

I do not think my daughter wanted to die this time. She just didn''t realize that if she had taken my mother''s blood pressure medication instead of the medication to fight urinary tract infections, that she would have been dead before she had time to phone me for help...or at least before I had time to come call 911. Her last overdose didn''t kill her, so she apparently thought that overdoses don''t kill immediately. If she had picked the wrong bottle of pills, she would now be dead.

At any rate, since my daughter did not die, I was with her in the pediatric ward of a hospital for several days and I then was visiting her in a psychiatric hospital. She is supposed to be discharged today. She claims that now that her grandmother has died that she will be safe. I hope that that is so. She loved my mother very, very much and has said that she will find it unbearable to be in her house with her perfume bottles. So I am trying to take one day at a time.

Deborah

 

[Ellen]

Oh Deb, I don't even know what to say, except that I am SO sorry to hear all of this. Your head must be spinning, I can only imagine.

Please know my thoughts are with you, and you have my email addy. As always, my offer is there to listen, anytime. Please take good care of yourself, and your dear daughter, whom I'll be praying for.

{{{major hugs}}}


And my condolences on your loss.

 

[diamondfan]

Deb, my heart goes out to you. I am grateful your daughter is okay now, and please accept my condolences about your mother. I hope your daughter can talk to someone about her grief and be okay with things, enough to feel hopeful and some pleasure in things. Please take care of you too.

 

[Lorelei]

Deb, I too am so sorry, please - if there is anything we can do to help, you know where we are.

 

[Linda W]

Oh Deb, I am so sorry to hear all of this. My deepest sympathy on the loss of your mother. I pray for your daughter too, that she will be safe.

We are here for you, please post if you need us and we will be here.

All my love to you .

Linda

 

[AGBF]

I thank you all. I may be busy with family and away from the board, so do not read anything into my absence if I do not reply to anyone! You are all wonderful women and I love you all. Thank you!

Deb

 

[justjulia]

Deb-That's a lot to handle. I'm praying for you to have extra strength for everything. Please take care of yourself.

 

[Kaleigh]

Deb,
I am so sorry. You really have a lot on your plate. I am sorry for your loss, and will be praying for your Daughter. Thinking of you, at this most difficult time. HUGS.

 

[diamondsrock]

Oh, Deb, that is so much for one person to handle. I am so sorry about your mother, but so very relieved that your daughter is ok. Hopefully she will get counseling to handle her grief.
Take a breather and try to relax. You have been through so much.
Prayers for your daughter for strength and for you, too!

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 5/30/2008 12:43:56 PM
Author: AGBF



I thank you all. I may be busy with family and away from the board, so do not read anything into my absence if I do not reply to anyone! You are all wonderful women and I love you all. Thank you!


Deb

mega hugs Deb I am so sorry about your loss and your daughter''s attempt.
Prayers are outgoing big time.

 

[Libster]

Deb,
I''m so very sorry about your loss. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[isaku5]

I''m so sorry for your loss, Deb, and grateful for your daughter''s survival. I know you''ll get help for her as this is going to add to her already severe depression.

 

[Skippy123]

Deb, I am so sorry; my heart goes out to you. I will keep you and your daughter and dear father in my prayers. ((((hugs)))) if you need anything please let me know.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Oh, Deb, something made me check in here today, and I am soooo very sorry to hear what you have been going through. Please accept my sincerest sympathy over the loss of your mother, and I am heartbroken that your daughter is continuing to have these crises. Hugs and prayers for your family.

 

[ksinger]

Deb, there are so many many threads on this board, and for any number of reasons I''ve been loathe to visit this one, but today I thought I''d just jump to the last page and see the tone and what gets posted here. And I saw your post. I am so very very sorry for you and your family at this time. I pray for strength for you and your daughter and all your other family members at this very difficult time.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 5/31/2008 11:29:41 PM
Author: ksinger
Deb, there are so many many threads on this board, and for any number of reasons I''ve been loathe to visit this one, but today I thought I''d just jump to the last page and see the tone and what gets posted here. And I saw your post. I am so very very sorry for you and your family at this time. I pray for strength for you and your daughter and all your other family members at this very difficult time.

Hi k,

If you read my very first post, it will give you a good idea of what this thread is about/for. It''s just a safe place for caregivers to post, about anything they''d like.

 

[perry]

I have to admit that I only read this thread once in a while as I struggle with things.

While I understand and feel for many of you; two from the recent postings stand out:

Deb: May god bless your family and your daughter. I am sure that your mother is in a better place; but, letting go is hard. I am heartened by your daughters comment that she can go on now that her Grandmother has passed.

Diamondsrock: I understand the struggles you mentioned on the previous page concerning your mother and should she move in with you or go into a care facility....

someone else mentioned burn-out. I understand that too. How do we maintain ourselves for years at this? I''ve been helping out for almost 6 years now - and the last 3 years have been at a much higher level of involvement than the early years.


As for me: I as still doing what I can; but something has to give this year. I have decided that I can no longer routinely work really long hours at work - help with my parents on some weekends (3 hour drive away) - help financially support my parents to the extent that I have been doing - and ignore my own health issues.

What I need to do is to cut back to 32 hours per week at work and just focus on myself for a while and get my health issues under control (I am planning this for July - Dec this year). That will have a major financial affect as I would not even be making the money to break even at my current level of expenses and parent support. Yet, I feel that I need to do this now.

I have had one brother step up and start to help some on the care issues to lighten my load (but not financial); but I am unsure how this will all work out.

Best wishes to all of you.

Perry

 

[Ellen]

perry, I''m glad to hear your brother has stepped up to the plate a bit. As I''ve said before, we need to be firm in telling siblings we need help. I can''t remember how many you have, but you need to sit down with whomever and say "look, this is affecting my health. I''m cutting back, on everything. Which means less money, and more time for me. So mom and dad aren''t going to be getting what they were. You all tell me what you''re going to do, because I can''t do it all anymore". Most siblings won''t just offer, you have to force the issue. Now''s the time.

Good luck.

 

[AGBF]

perry,

I agree with Ellen and I am concerned for you if you have health issues that you have been letting slide. Please, do, have the conversation she recommends at the earliest possible date. Keep us up to date on your progress. I wish you well in eliciting cooperation from your siblings so that your parents can continue their quality of life without your having to be drained dry. I will be thinking of you.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[justjulia]

Perry,
Under stress, people act the way they were conditioned to act growing up. Unfortunately, someone has to be the hero and stop the madness (whether they be agressive or passive aggressive by certain family members). In my case, I called a family meeting where we sat at my kitchen table and talked. Start there.

Don''t put up with doing it all. I tried to and ended up with almost kidney failure.

jj

 

[Kaleigh]

Perry,
I feel for you. I hope your brother will step up to the plate in helping you with caring for your parents. In what ever way he can. I know it''s been hard on you. There are other shoulder''s available, so use them.

My Dad had a stroke, found that out from all the tests. Tomorrow we go to the Neurologist, hoping to get some answers. Not a bad stroke, could have been a lot worse, but there is a second bleed in his brain, so am worried about that. His father died of this, so obviosuly want to be as proactive as possible.

He''s still so weak, and his frame of mind isn''t good. The Abilify didn''t do the trick, but am hoping we find the right medicine, soon.


Mom is still wanting to be waited on hand and foot. Dad did put his foot down, and makes her come down and make her own lunch. Oh the horror, LOL. I have no words for her. Once I find them, it''s not going to be pretty.

My concern right now is with him... IN a perfect world she would help, but it''s not a perfect world.

 

[Ellen]

Aw, sorry to hear Kaleigh. Tell him to keep putting his foot down, for heaven sakes, does she realize what kind of shape he's in??



And Deb, I'm thinking of you.

 

[Kaleigh]

Thoughts going out to you Deb!! You''ve been on my mind.

 

[Kaleigh]

Me again.

I got word tonight from my Godmother that her DIL died. I grew up with her son, our families vacationed together. His wife was in her 40's , they live in London. She asked me to break the news to my parents. She said she can't deal with questions right now from my Mom. She said perhaps, in you telling them, this will make them focus on other's, and not on themselves.

I will sit them down tomorrow after we get back from the Neurologist. My Dad will take this news very hard. Mom will take it like , Oh, well... Devoid of any feeling.

I hope I deliver this news with grace and dignity. While giving a lesson to Mom as well. If she takes it with no feeling or is judgemental, I am planning on taking her to task. I am done with being the nice one.

After talking with my Godmother, lots of things were put into perspective. Just when you think life is in order, something like this hits you full on. It will be easier for me to take on my Mom. Thanks Aunt Soph!!!

 

[Linda W]

Dear Lisa,

I am so sorry to hear this. You have so much on your plate right now. I just re-read some of the posts and I didn''t realize that your father had a stroke. I am glad that he is doing OK.. As for your mother, I so wish she would try just a little bit.

I so wish I lived closer to you, just so I could do something.. Even make you some homemade soup. I know it sounds silly, but this is what I do when my friends are going through hard times. I make dinners and bring them over.

I am so sorry for your loss and I am sending prayers to you and your Godmother. I am also sending you strength to deal with your mother, as I know it is not easy.

Love, Linda

 

[Kaleigh]

Thanks Linda,
You are a dear one. I know you have been through the ringer as well. I don''t want to whine, nor am I one to complain. At least I hope I don''t come across as a complainer. Heck, at this point we just need to vent. Tonight I did that.

I know if you lived close, we''d be great pals. But will take virtual hugs and soup any day!!!

xo,
Lisa

 

[Ellen]

Date: 6/4/2008 2:16:01 AM
Author: Kaleigh
Thanks Linda,
You are a dear one. I know you have been through the ringer as well. I don't want to whine, nor am I one to complain. At least I hope I don't come across as a complainer. Heck, at this point we just need to vent. Tonight I did that.

I know if you lived close, we'd be great pals. But will take virtual hugs and soup any day!!!

xo,
Lisa

Yep, there's no such thing as "complaining" in this thread.

Sorry to hear Lisa, I hope it goes well with your parents. Let us know.