Caring for the elderly.

[Skippy123]

Date: 4/9/2008 8:17:01 PM
Author: justjulia
Skippy,
My best friend had hip replacement a few years ago. I remember her saying that recuperation was easier if she slept in a recliner in the living room for a while--I think she could get up and down easier than from a bed. Sorry I don't know more but I hope this little tidbit is useful.

Justjulia and Deb, thank you so much!!! I appreciate any suggestions; my mom has been though quite a few surgeries in the past few years (not related to her hip) so I want to help her as much as I can. Thanks again you sweet lady's!!

 

[Kaleigh]

I hope all goes well for your Mom Skippy.

Me? I am holding my breath, as parents come home this Saturday. I was able to secure a top Psychiatrist for my dad, he's having a mental breakdown. I have stocked their house full of food. I will get my Mom up and moving, have a physical therapist that will come to their house and work with her. Her Doc will be with me every step of the way. I believe a lot of it is depression...

I have a lot to get through initially to asses everything. I believe once I know what I am dealing with it will be ok. But I am going from no contact to full on caregiving. Ok I have had contact, it's just been very limited since they live in FLA.

I took care of Nanny and my grandfather with no help from my Mom. So this hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes I have forgiven them, but that took a long time. Not just about that, but so many other things. I have let go of all that.

Plus there is bad debt, hubby will handle that. OY.

If you made it to this line, thanks for letting me vent.

All my friends are taking care of their parents, so we do have a great support group. Our convos are pretty funny. Have to have a sense of humor, LOL!!!

 

[Linda W]

Lisa,

You sure have your plate full don''t you? I do hope everything goes well for you. I am sure it is going to be very stressful, especially since you haven''t had any contact with your parents. I wish I could give you a big hug.

I am having issues with my mom right now. Her surgery was postponed until next week. She is stressed out, which I can understand. She upped and changed her will all of a sudden and I am so irate over it. I have to keep my mouth shut and just vent to my husband. I can''t say anything to her because of her health and it will just cause problems.

Enough of me venting now. I''ll be thinking of you on Saturday.

Love, Linda

 

[Kaleigh]

Thanks Linda.
Sending you a big hug too. Thank god for this thread. Best wishes to you going forward with your Mom. Hoping her surgery goes well. Sending prayers her way, and to you sweetie.

 

[AGBF]

Skippy: Tell us more about your mother's surgery. When will it be? Is your father having the same surgery at the same time?

Lisa: You seem to have done an expert job (as usual) preparing for your parents' arrival. You are on top of everything. Please, do, use this thread to keep us apprised and to keep on top of your own emotions once they arrive. (Your parents, not your emotions.) I cannot even imagine how arduous full care of two people would be! I am wilting under sharing part-care of one who is in an institution! I admire you so much!

Linda: I do not yet understand your mother's situation; I am going to have to read up on it, but I am sorry you are struggling with her. That struggle is very tiring and frightening. I wish you well.

Hugs to all of you and to all the other people struggling in this thread!

Deborah

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/15/2008 11:43:46 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I hope all goes well for your Mom Skippy.


Me? I am holding my breath, as parents come home this Saturday. I was able to secure a top Psychiatrist for my dad, he''s having a mental breakdown. I have stocked their house full of food. I will get my Mom up and moving, have a physical therapist that will come to their house and work with her. Her Doc will be with me every step of the way. I believe a lot of it is depression...


I have a lot to get through initially to asses everything. I believe once I know what I am dealing with it will be ok. But I am going from no contact to full on caregiving. Ok I have had contact, it''s just been very limited since they live in FLA.


I took care of Nanny and my grandfather with no help from my Mom. So this hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes I have forgiven them, but that took a long time. Not just about that, but so many other things. I have let go of all that.


Plus there is bad debt, hubby will handle that. OY.


If you made it to this line, thanks for letting me vent.


All my friends are taking care of their parents, so we do have a great support group. Our convos are pretty funny. Have to have a sense of humor, LOL!!!

My thoughts are with you this week. I hope they appreciate all you are doing. What would they do without you? You''re a good daughter!

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/15/2008 11:54:39 PM
Author: Linda W
Lisa,


You sure have your plate full don''t you? I do hope everything goes well for you. I am sure it is going to be very stressful, especially since you haven''t had any contact with your parents. I wish I could give you a big hug.


I am having issues with my mom right now. Her surgery was postponed until next week. She is stressed out, which I can understand. She upped and changed her will all of a sudden and I am so irate over it. I have to keep my mouth shut and just vent to my husband. I can''t say anything to her because of her health and it will just cause problems.


Enough of me venting now. I''ll be thinking of you on Saturday.


Love, Linda

I remember having to walk on eggshells about talking about touchy things during those times. It''s extremely tough. Maybe after the surgery things will calm down a little and she''ll be more receptive. The more people feel out of control, the more control they try to "create."

 

[Linda W]

JJ,

You are so right. My mother has always been somewhat controlling and it is getting worse. She has to realize my brother and I aren''t kids, but I don''t think she ever will. HA!!

Linda

 

[Ellen]

Lisa, vent away. It really does my heart good to see people posting in here, for a couple reasons. One, I know it feels good to get things off ones chest, even if you don''t get an answer to something. Sometimes there just isn''t one. And two, then I don''t feel so guilty when I come whining.

I am really keeping my fingers crossed for you, and please don''t hesitate to "hog" this thread if you need to.

Linda, I''m sorry about your mom. My mom revised her will a little over a year ago, the up and switched something recently too. I only got mad because my irresonsible older sister was at first being "taken care of" the way she should be, then mom changed it. She''ll now have the chance, and will take FULL adavantage if given, of blowing it just abouta s fast as she can. Totally wrong decision in my opinion, and I wopnder if not a product of my mother not thinking clearly. But it''s done, don''t think she''s going to change it, and she already knows how I feel...However, should my mother live long enough, this will all be a moot point, as care for her will drain every penny she has.


Skippy, when''s your mom''s sugery?


Deb, how are things going?

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/16/2008 1:07:16 PM
Author: Linda W
JJ,

You are so right. My mother has always been somewhat controlling and it is getting worse. She has to realize my brother and I aren''t kids, but I don''t think she ever will. HA!!

Linda

No, she won''t. Julia''s right. It''s REALLY irritating.

 

[Linda W]

Ellen,

Yes, you are right, I can''t change a thing. What my mom did really upset me. It may seem trivial to people here, but it really irked me. My grandmother has beautiful china, place setting for 12, by Lenox. The pattern is no longer in stock. She bought it, in the early 1950''s. I have always loved it. When my grandmother was alive, she told me, after my mother, it would be mine someday. My mom also promised me the same thing.

Well, now my mom decides to give it to my daughter. Why did she decide that?? Rick and I don''t entertain that much in her view and being my daughter is 35, she will have a lot of entertaining to do in the future. Now does that make sense to you??? It sure as hell doesn''t to me. Maybe I am venting over nothing, but it sure got my dander up and I have to keep my big fat mouth shut to boot.

Linda

 

[AGBF]

Date: 4/16/2008 1:26:57 PM

Author: Linda W

and I have to keep my big fat mouth shut to boot.

Linda,

The reason why you have to "keep your mouth shut" may be really clear to people who know the dynamics between you and your mother, but I am new to this situation. Why do you have to?

Deb

 

[Linda W]

Hi Deb,

I have to. She will become really angry, that is the way she is. Once she makes a decision, that is it. At her age, she is 82 and health, I don''t want to upset her.

Linda

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/16/2008 1:26:57 PM
Author: Linda W
Ellen,


Yes, you are right, I can''t change a thing. What my mom did really upset me. It may seem trivial to people here, but it really irked me. My grandmother has beautiful china, place setting for 12, by Lenox. The pattern is no longer in stock. She bought it, in the early 1950''s. I have always loved it. When my grandmother was alive, she told me, after my mother, it would be mine someday. My mom also promised me the same thing.


Well, now my mom decides to give it to my daughter. Why did she decide that?? Rick and I don''t entertain that much in her view and being my daughter is 35, she will have a lot of entertaining to do in the future. Now does that make sense to you??? It sure as hell doesn''t to me. Maybe I am venting over nothing, but it sure got my dander up and I have to keep my big fat mouth shut to boot.

Linda

Wait a minute. That china represents your grandmother to you! I think you are right that your mother is pulling the mother card on you. Maybe it''s your mother''s way of saying how sorry she is to be leaving you and it really wasn''t meant so much to hurt you as to assert one more motherly thing to do. My mother did this with these big orange Queen Anne chairs--she told me never to store them, sell them, or give them away. I hate those chairs. It was only recently after talking with a hospice grief counselor that I could put them in storage. It''s not about the plates, Linda. It''s about her fear of losing her place as your mother.

 

[Linda W]

Besides, she could tell how I felt, by the look on my face.

Linda

 

[Ellen]

I don''t blame you for being mad. And who knows WHY she did it, the point is, she did. And went against her own mothers wishes. *sigh* Maybe you could have a talk with your DD and explain, and should she understand, let you use it and then she''ll get it? Like it should have gone?? Just a thought.

Listen, we could probably all tell stories like this. I often marvel that my mother can slight me like she does, especially to my face, and especially considering I am the only caretaker she has. She has an old music box, the kind you crank and the metal "spool"? goes around to play the music. It''s really old and really neat. I hardly ever expressed an interest out of all the things she has, but that was one of the main ones. She said I could have it.

So we''re revising her will, and she''s just left almost all the sentimental, expensive jewelry to my sister, and she comes to the music box. She thinks a couple minutes (and I''m thinking, you already told me I could have this, what''s the problem?) and she says, I''ll leave it to you, but if your sister really expresses an interest in it, please give it to her.

I just at there and thought, wtf? And agreed.

*sigh* lol

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 4/16/2008 1:38:54 PM
Author: AGBF

Date: 4/16/2008 1:26:57 PM

Author: Linda W

and I have to keep my big fat mouth shut to boot.

Linda,

The reason why you have to ''keep your mouth shut'' may be really clear to people who know the dynamics between you and your mother, but I am new to this situation. Why do you have to?

Deb

Yes can you bring us up to speed? I don''t know the full story Linda.

Thanks JJ, DEB, Linda and Ellen. I will let you guys know how things go once they arrive. EEK!!

 

[Linda W]

Who knows what my daughter will do, she wants the China.

Ellen: That isn''t very fair what your mother is doing to you.

Linda

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/16/2008 1:43:01 PM
Author: Ellen
I don''t blame you for being mad. And who knows WHY she did it, the point is, she did. And went against her own mothers wishes. *sigh* Maybe you could have a talk with your DD and explain, and should she understand, let you use it and then she''ll get it? Like it should have gone?? Just a thought.

Listen, we could probably all tell stories like this. I often marvel that my mother can slight me like she does, especially to my face, and especially considering I am the only caretaker she has. She has an old music box, the kind you crank and the metal ''spool''? goes around to play the music. It''s really old and really neat. I hardly ever expressed an interest out of all the things she has, but that was one of the main ones. She said I could have it.


So we''re revising her will, and she''s just left almost all the sentimental, expensive jewelry to my sister, and she comes to the music box. She thinks a couple minutes (and I''m thinking, you already told me I could have this, what''s the problem?) and she says, I''ll leave it to you, but if your sister really expresses an interest in it, please give it to her.

I just at there and thought, wtf? And agreed.

*sigh* lol

Oh Ellen, don''t even get me started.

I think it''s because they know that we are detail orientated and run the show. Personally I think it''s their way of cheating death. Like, I can''t tell death to hold on a second but I sure can tell you!

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/16/2008 1:53:43 PM
Author: Linda W
Who knows what my daughter will do, she wants the China.


Ellen: That isn''t very fair what your mother is doing to you.


Linda

Oh now that is AWKWARD! I mean, if it were me and my daughter, I''d like to think she''d (daughter)let me have the plates- knowing how much I looked forward to having them. Also, knowing that in the end they would go to her (daughter).

Does your daughter know how much they mean to you?

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/16/2008 1:53:43 PM
Author: Linda W
Who knows what my daughter will do, she wants the China.

Ellen: That isn''t very fair what your mother is doing to you.

Linda

No, it''s not, but it''s typical. I have always been the least favorite child, and it''s always shown, (with her, not my dad). I''m used to it, and I finally realized it''s she that is flawed and warped, not me.

julia, lol. I know, I posted that and thought, Dear Lord, I may have just opened the flood gates.

In my mom''s case, I think it''s just a matter of doting on her favorite. That''s ok. Well not really, but you know.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/16/2008 2:00:44 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 4/16/2008 1:53:43 PM

Author: Linda W

Who knows what my daughter will do, she wants the China.


Ellen: That isn''t very fair what your mother is doing to you.



Linda

No, it''s not, but it''s typical. I have always been the least favorite child, and it''s always shown, (with her, not my dad). I''m used to it, and I finally realized it''s she that is flawed and warped, not me.

julia, lol. I know, I posted that and thought, Dear Lord, I may have just opened the flood gates.

In my mom''s case, I think it''s just a matter of doting on her favorite. That''s ok. Well not really, but you know.

No, it''s not ok. Not. Not. Not.
It''s not fair to receive all that verbage.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/16/2008 1:43:04 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 4/16/2008 1:38:54 PM

Author: AGBF

Date: 4/16/2008 1:26:57 PM


Author: Linda W


and I have to keep my big fat mouth shut to boot.

Linda,


The reason why you have to ''keep your mouth shut'' may be really clear to people who know the dynamics between you and your mother, but I am new to this situation. Why do you have to?


Deb

Yes can you bring us up to speed? I don''t know the full story Linda.


Thanks JJ, DEB, Linda and Ellen. I will let you guys know how things go once they arrive. EEK!!

I highly recommend a tiny bottle of Grand Marnier at about 10 pm. Saturday evening.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 4/16/2008 2:00:27 PM
Author: justjulia

Date: 4/16/2008 1:53:43 PM

Author: Linda W

Who knows what my daughter will do, she wants the China.



Ellen: That isn''t very fair what your mother is doing to you.



Linda

Oh now that is AWKWARD! I mean, if it were me and my daughter, I''d like to think she''d (daughter)let me have the plates- knowing how much I looked forward to having them. Also, knowing that in the end they would go to her (daughter).


Does your daughter know how much they mean to you?

I agree with the sentiment that I would like to think my daughter would let me have the plates if she knew the story and how much they meant to me, particularly if she knew she was going to receive them from me! My daughter is already waiting for my diamonds; I am sure she would wait for the plates!

Deb

 

[Linda W]

Ellen, JJ and Deb,

Yes, my daughter knows how much they mean to me, but it doesn''t matter. She and my two grandson ''s are living with us at the moment anyway. She is going through a divorce.

My daughter has been very spoiled by my mother throughout her whole life. She has rheumatoid arthritis. My mom has babied her, since her diagnosis at 8 years old. If I disciplined my daughter, I was yelled at. It has been rough on me. Granted it is a terrible disease, but it is best not to baby someone who has it. Her doctor''s at Stanford, have all stated this throughout her life. Try telling it to my mom though.

 

[Ellen]

I''m sorry Linda. I feel for you, I really do.

 

[Linda W]

Ellen,

I know what you mean about "doting" on the favorite. My brother and my daughter are favorites with my mom. I was the favorite with my dad. I sure miss him. He thought I was the greatest thing, since Campbells soup. ha ha ha.

Linda

 

[justjulia]

Linda,
Ditto what Ellen has said.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/16/2008 2:45:01 PM
Author: Linda W
Ellen,

I know what you mean about ''doting'' on the favorite. My brother and my daughter are favorites with my mom. I was the favorite with my dad. I sure miss him. He thought I was the greatest thing, since Campbells soup. ha ha ha.

Linda

Aww, same here.

And I can''t tell you how much I miss mine.

 

[Kaleigh]

Linda,
I remember now, your DD and mine have the same disease. Ashley''s isn''t too bad now. Just her one knee that is painful. Anyway, I would like to think Ash would give me the plates. I feel for you, I really do.