can''t stand this girl

[windy1365]

I feel much better this week. But, I do have relapses every few weeks, so it might happen again. My fiance is usually out of town during the week, but he was home this week, so he occupied my extra time. I think I just have too much time on my hands sometimes... like last week! And, it was closing this week at work, so I was pretty busy at work, too.

I do need to see a counselor, but right now isn''t the right time. We don''t have the extra money to pay for it.

I''m glad ya''ll talked me out of sending that email. I would be regretting it about right now!!

 

[Kaleigh]

You want to see a counselor, but now isn''t the right time, we don''t have the extra money to pay for it?
There are many counselors who will work with you on a sliding scale. It sounds like you are not committed to getting the help you need. There is help out there, money or no money. You can''t afford not to get help.

 

[Kaleigh]

Sorry didn't think it posted

 

[Kaleigh]

 

[appletini]

windy I''m the minister at your Church could either talk with you or recommend you to someone.

Okay now I''m just going to be blunt...

You really need to stop being a drama queen about this whole thing, because it is ridiculous. HELLO YOU HAVE MEN IN YOUR PAST AND I''M SURE HE DOESN''T LET THAT GET UNDER HIS SKIN. From what I''ve read from your posting on various threads, he should be a lot more worried about you than you are about him.

Now focus on the future instead of the past!

 

[windy1365]

I am far from a drama queen. This stuff bothers me every few weeks then goes away. I was having a very bad week a couple of weeks ago. I was very upset that week. When I''m not having one of those weeks though, everything in my life is normal.

What did I say that my fiance should be worried about me? If you picked any negativity from me towards men it might have been because of this...

I had a very bad experience with my ex... to the point that I could have easily hated men forever. So, if some of my comments are anti-men, it is probably b/c I haven''t fully gotten over it yet. The ex was really sweet at first, but he got really controlling... even to the point that I had to do laundry a specific way. Then, when I got ready to move on, he wouldn''t give me my belongings (I had moved in with him). He took my house key away, and I didn''t even have clothes to wear to work. He had told me that I could get one car load of things, and if I didn''t take my dogs and cat (five dogs!!), he was going to let them out in the street to get hit by a car. He stole my college diploma... which couldn''t be replaced b/c it had special awards on it. I took the police over there twice, but I could only legally get the things that were obviously female and that I had a receipt for. I lost a lot of my things... some of my jewelry b/c he had got it and hid it. That wasn''t enough for him, though, he decided to start blackmailing me and my friends. He knew that my friend had had a affair, and he threated her about telling her husband if she testified against him for what he was doing. He called all my friends and told them all the secrets that I had confided in him during our relationship. He said that he had made a video of me and was going to link it to my work website. He said that he was going to mail my coworkers letters telling them ''what kind of person I was''. (He did this to a coworker b/f, so I knew his threats weren''t idle). He kept calling my cell phone leaving awful messages. Then he would call my friends and tell them that if I would just talk to him on the phone that he would leave me alone. So, I would answer my phone, and he would call me the most awful names. He said that the only way I could stop him was to get back together with him. I finally had no choice but to go to the police. The put him in jail for three days. He drug the case out for a year, and he supenoed all my family (including grandparents) and coworkers... so he could embarrass me... so I had the case dropped.

Okay... so a year and a half goes by without me hearing from him. I get engaged. Two weeks later, he is sueing me for ''running around town telling lies''. He has no case. I didn''t have him arrested... the police put out the warrant based on the phone messages, so he can''t use false arrest. He can''t say that I verbally said anything b/c the statute of limitations in the state is one year for verbal things. I still had to hire a lawyer... $600. His case gets dropped b/c it has no legal basis... so now he is appealing the judge''s decision... cost me another $1,500 to hire a lawyer to represent me again.

So... please tell me why I wouldn''t call this man ugly as I have in my other postings. Why wouldn''t I just not totally hate him and be glad if I got any enjoyment out of anything I might have done to him... such as using all his research for a e-ring (that he emailed me out of spite), to help pick out my current e-ring???

 

[Momoftwo]

I think your post says it all. You need to talk to someone. You have had a bad experience, but you are obviously not ready to move on in another relationship. Too much baggage. No trust. Fix yourself before you ruin this current relationship. I remember reading something in another thread about you being raised by an aunt or something. So, no parents can equal abandonment issues for whatever reason. All these things can lead to really bad relationship decisions and self esteem issues. If you don't think very highly of yourself, no one else will either. Controlling men seek out that kind of personality trait.

I have a friend who was married for 25 years to a man who was always controlling, but he woke up one morning and decided she was screwing around, he called her all kinds of names and in front of their almost grown kids. None of it was true. Everyone who knows her knows it isn't true. She's too terrified of him to do what I and several others have suggested which is go ahead and file for divorce, force him to liquidate the house and get as far away from him as possible, not necessarily physically, but financially, etc. He kicked her out and she left with just a few of her things. I told her I would have rented a truck and emptied the place. She's too scared of him. My husbands knows I'd do it but I'll never be in that situation with him. Their children dont' want anything to do with him and he blames her. One is 23 and the other is 16 so neither has to spend any time with him if they dont' want to. The interesting thing is she lived with him and married him anyway even though he was never very nice to her. Her self esteem was and is very low. That's what I see here too. I wish I'd known her 25 years ago when she was first with this jerk.

 

[snow_happy]

Hi windy--

I''m sorry that you had to go through that with your ex-boyfriend (there are some real crazies out there!). While it''s obvious that previous relationship experiences effect our future relationships, I agree with everyone here when I say that you need to stop and take a serious look at yourself.

When other people mentioned that your husband should be the one who is nervous I think they were referring to the fact that you have been engaged so many times. Also, it seems as though there was a short time period between your last relationship with your psycho-ex and your current relationship. I think you mentioned that you were engaged to your high school sweetheart as well? For most of us engagement is a serious promise towards a life-long commitment so it''s natural for us to be concerned when it seems as though the engagements seem somewhat trivial to you. The "ex-girlfriend" panic seemed like a cover for something much deeper. I''m guessing that you weren''t genuinely ready to marry the men you were previously engaged to.

Yes, women can be crazy at times but I think that your wounds run deeper. It''s important to patch those wounds, forgive and forget those who have hurt you in the past. I know you are currently planning your wedding but if you are not mature enough to go whole-heartedly into the situation then you are just dooming yourself AND your fiancee. When the people here say you need to get counseling they are only looking out for your future happiness. If you love your fiancee, like TRULY love him, then you will seek counseling to improve yourself and thus improve your relationship/marriage. By not dealing with issues and dismissing them as passing things, the problems will only grow and eventually explode.

Good luck. It''s not easy going to counseling but it can only make things better!

 

[windy1365]

The ex-boyfriend was so sweet in the beginning. He never told me what to do... he always bought me whatever I wanted. We were friends first, so he knew all my secrets and confidential stuff. After I moved in with him, he totally changed. He used all of my secrets against me. So, I didn''t see it coming. And, when I did, I was out of there... after about six months of misery, and now two and a half years of misery after breaking up with him.

But... my fiance now is truely a sweatheart. He loves me for who I am. He doesn''t try to change me at all. So, I have a good one now. He''s not controlling at all. That''s why I''m going through with this one!!

 

[laughinggravy]

Goodness me - I didn''t read through the whole thread but I gotta ask, are you scanning his emails? Personally, I think that''s a little invasive. You either trust him or you don''t. I''m hoping it''s the former since you''re getting married soon.

I have never hated various bfriend''s exes and have been friends with quite a few. As far as I can see ex girlfriends are pretty good indication of your partner. There maybe the odd weirdo, but if you''re with someone who treats people with respect and themselves also then chances are that exes are going to be perfectly decent people.

Ok so he left her for you and that could be spikey, I''m talking more of relationships which have run their course before I ever came along. But in that case it''s you who should be chilled out about her. Why would you want to rub her nose it? What possible benefit could it be to you? You already took the guy from her.

Frankly I''d be a little careful that you don''t come over to your boyfriend as being a little...how can put it....? extreme?

Perhaps this is just wedding nerves. 2003 was then, (way back then), this is now, Chill out, enjoy yourself and don''t feel so threatened.

A

 

[windy1365]

I wouldn''t say that I took the guy from her. He simply did not want to be with her. He didn''t like her anymore, and me being coming along just pushed it along a little faster. So, yes, it had run its course.

I told him last week how I am... how my personality is, and if he doesn''t like it, then don''t marry me. He said that he knew how I was when he asked me to marry him, so yes, he still wants to marry me....even if I am extreme.

I always hate ex-girlfriends, no exceptions. He shouldn''t have continued to talk to an ex on email for a year into our relationship... and when she asked him if he was dating someone, he should have said yes... If they were just friends. He was trying not to hurt her feelings by still emailing her back when she would email him... but it went on way too long. After a couple of months, he should have told her that he was dating someone and quit emailing him. It would have been a lot easier on him to hurt her feelings one time then have to deal with me being mad about it for years.

I never did send the girl the email. Not that I don''t want to. I just should have done it a long time ago. Now, I''m certainly not going to do it four weeks before my wedding.

 

[Momoftwo]

Date: 4/1/2005 7

3:34 PM
Author: windy1365
I wouldn''t say that I took the guy from her. He simply did not want to be with her. He didn''t like her anymore, and me being coming along just pushed it along a little faster. So, yes, it had run its course.

I told him last week how I am... how my personality is, and if he doesn''t like it, then don''t marry me. He said that he knew how I was when he asked me to marry him, so yes, he still wants to marry me....even if I am extreme.

I always hate ex-girlfriends, no exceptions. He shouldn''t have continued to talk to an ex on email for a year into our relationship... and when she asked him if he was dating someone, he should have said yes... If they were just friends. He was trying not to hurt her feelings by still emailing her back when she would email him... but it went on way too long. After a couple of months, he should have told her that he was dating someone and quit emailing him. It would have been a lot easier on him to hurt her feelings one time then have to deal with me being mad about it for years.

I never did send the girl the email. Not that I don''t want to. I just should have done it a long time ago. Now, I''m certainly not going to do it four weeks before my wedding.

You can''t take someone away who doesn''t want to be taken. I think it''s time for both of you to move on and talk to someone before you end up married and not able to deal with the normal everyday crap that happens in marriage as well as the other stuff that may come up. Pre-marital or couples counseling will teach you how to communicate with each other and identify issues before they become big. You have both handled this badly, but now it''s time to move on.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 4/1/2005 8:21:55 PM
Author: Momoftwo
You can''t take someone away who doesn''t want to be taken.

I know it doesn''t help Windy, but this is why I don''t believe in blaming "the other woman" or "the other man" when someone *in* a relationship chooses to have a relationship *outside* of a relationship he is already in. I am against labelling people as "trash"; I think people are complicated and I don''t see judging others as helpful. (Understanding what makes them tick: yes! Blaming them for what makes them tick: no!)

Deborah

 

[sparklish]

Windy, I''ve been following this thread for a while but haven''t said anything because there''s lots of good advice already here. But I did want to chime in to say I really think that counselling is a good idea. I know you don''t have the extra money, but this is a huge investment in yourself. There are many places that offer free or scaled counselling. You can ask your doctor if you want. The feelings of hate you have towards this woman, or to all ex-girlfriends, it''s not healthy for you. That kind of anger can turn on yourself and your relationship and really burn things up. If you''re really as secure as you say you are, you''d feel sorry for her. I really think you should invest in the counselling. I hope you feel better.

 

[windy1365]

I finally did talk to him about the whole thing. But... he doesn''t think he did anything wrong. He said that he was just trying to avoid hurting her feelings. So...he still didn''t apologize about it. I don''t see how you can forgive someone if they don''t say they are sorry.

 

[rms]

windy my dear, between this thread and your obsession with your weight and food issues that I read on the March 29 workout thread, I think that you have a lot to contemplate before getting married...obsessive complulsive behaviors like this will eat you alive. Be at peace with yourself and with your life...seek counseling please. Don''t let cost be an issue, don''t say that this is not the right time, don''t say that there are other reasons why you can''t go. Just go.

 

[AGBF]

One more note: planning a wedding is very stressful. When we are under stress whatever mechanisms we use to defend against anxiety are going to be in use more than they usually would be. That means that in your case, Windy, you may now be more obsessed with issues with which you were less obsessed with in calmer, less stressful times. This is good news and bad news!

The bad news is that you are probably more distressed than usual now. The good news is that this is an opportunity for you to observe yourself. Notice whether you are reacting differently to issues now. Look at the issues which you usually might not. (In other words: get the counseling others have suggested!)

People often seek help (read: counseling) when they are in distress. Therefore *BEING* in distress can give one an opportunity to find out more about the way s/he works. The issues with which you are now grappling are internal problems you have. Most of the time you may not even notice them, though. Having them flare up can be a wake-up call if you allow it to be.

Deborah

 

[surfermegz]

Windy-- Here is what I think. I understand how easy it is to feel insecure about a girl from the past, I''m sure we have all done it. Guys are not girls, they dont think the same no matter how much we program or try to train them to.

I am sure many girls have been in a relationship where there is an ex that kind of sticks around. So what do you do to make yourself feel better about the situation? Well, it''s not always about hating the girl because it is about the guy too. So just tell your fiance that it still bothers you and you need to get it off your chest. If you can tell him everything you feel about it then you can let go. You have to be able to let go of it because you can''t move forward in life if you are stuck on something of the past.

Realize that he has chosen you over her. Guys try to avoid things and make it go away the easiest way possible, so he probably just didnt say he was with you to avoid more confrontation. If he had told her that, maybe she would email more and get more into what she did not belong in. He is with you now, and I bet he barely thinks of her and he doesn''t want you to either.

You will be getting married in 9 weeks to the man of your dreams, so just help yourself move on. Talk to him about it, forgive him, and then you can move on.