can''t stand this girl

[windy1365]

I need some advice!! I am getting married in 9 weeks. My fiancee and I have been engaged for a year and have been together a total of two and a half years. Here is my problem:

He broke up with a girl to start dating me in July 2002. They had been dating for five or six months. He continued to talk to her over email for over a year into our relationship - last email was September 2003. She would ask him if he had a girlfriend, and he said no. He never had anything else to do with her... but it just really bothers me that he talked to her on email and never mentioned me... and we were very serious. There would be four or five months between the emails, then she would email him out of the blue. He would respond to her email, then another four months would go by, and she would email him again.

I recently confronted him about this, and he said that he was just trying to avoid the situation... hoping that she would just go away. I don''t understand how he could be telling me that he loved me during this time but still be talking to his ex on email. He should have told her that he had a girlfriend.

I do trust my fiancee... I know he would never cheat on me, so how am I supposed to be able to forgive him and get over this? I know that he doesn''t like her... the last email was September 2003.

I want to send her an email with a link to our webpage on theknot.com... then she will see in the write up that she was dumped for me... I have on the webpage when we started dating. When he broke up with her, he told her it was because he was too busy with school and they lived too far apart... a bunch of BS excuses. I want this girl to know that she was dumped because he met the girl of his dreams and that she meant nothing to him. I would send this email, but I don''t want her to start emailing him again. What should I do???? Am I being stupid?

 

[ForteKitty]

That''s just cruel.

 

[windy1365]

I doubt that I am the only woman in the world that can''t stand ex-girlfriends.

The last email that she sent... she had seen us at a bar during the day... we were about to go to a wedding. She told him that she would have said hi, but he was on his way out of the door. If she had come up to us... I would have said some really bad things to her. If she had tried to hug him, there would have been a fight.

 

[ForteKitty]

Maybe she was just being nice. What makes you think she still wants him? Since she hasn''t emailed him since 2003, don''t you think she''s over him by now? If anything, your fiance should have told her he was seeing you. You can''t expect her to know he has a serious gf when he doesn''t say anything. I guess I just don''t really undersand how being cruel to her will make you feel better.

As for hating ex-girlfriends...

I dated this guy in college. We were really good friends. However, great friendships do not always equal great relationship... so we decided to just be friends. After some time, he started seeing some other girl, and she instantly hated me. I never did anything to her, I don''t even want her guy. (I was in a serious relationship by then) Since he and I were good friends prior to the relationship, we were hoping we could stay friends. My bf was fine with it, and we even hung out together, but she made it damn near impossible and finally threw an ultimatum. If he even speaks to me one more time, she would leave him. He told he''s sorry, and I never heard from him again.

Fast forward 4 years... According to his ex-best friend, they''re now married. He no longer has any friends because she doesn''t like any of them. And he moved far away from his family and friends to be with her. Oh, and she made him throw out all his original Star Wars collectibles.

And she still hates me. My name is not allowed to be mentioned around her. Scary psycho girl. She spent so much wasted time hating me that I almost felt sorry for her. My bf just feels sorry for my ex.

Don''t waste your time hating people who don''t care.

 

[MrsFrk]

Guess what!? You win! He''s marrying you, not her. Get over it. The last e-mail was in September of 2003 and you''re still obsessing over this?! Stop. This type of behaviour really alienates and pisses off men. What is past is past, just concentrate on your upcoming wedding and your new life as a married woman.

Let it go.

 

[Shay]

This girl is not the bad guy. She doesnt even know you exist. She is just trying to be civil to an ex who broke up with her.
He is the one who dumped her and it sounds like cheated on her with you first, he is the one who continued e-mailing, he is the one who lied to you both about each others place in his life. I think your fiance is the one with the problem and it would be cruel and out of line for you to e-mail her the knot link and to pick a fight with her.

 

[dobie]

I can''t believe you''re that insecure. How can you hate someone you''ve never met? I see nothing wrong for your fiance to answer e-mails from an ex-GF. Do you really expect him to ignore ex-GFs whenever he bumps into them in bars or in the streets?

 

[TravelingGal]

No offense, because I don''t know you nor the entire story, but...

There would have been a fight if she tried to hug him? Keeping in mind she doesn''t know who you are (since your bf never bothered to tell her?) so she wouldn''t even know to be "sensitive" to the girlfriend? That sounds really Jerry Springerish.

Take the good advice. She''s history. If your bf is the right one for you, you should just leave it at that and leave her be.

 

[Momoftwo]

He was avoiding the situation? As long as he doesn't use avoidance in dealing with you, you'll be fine. I do agree he should have told her the truth, because it comes across as disrespectful to you and her for him to lie to her about you. My DH and I have been married for 24 years and I dont' hate any of his previous girlfriends. One he was seeing when we met. Actually, we keep in touch with two of them through Christmas Cards and one of them emails my DH about what's up in her life (also married a long time w/children). Everyone needs to remember, the previous girlfriends, are just that, previous. They're just other women that helped make him what he is. I don't understand the angst women have over what has passed. Don't send her the link to the webpage. That's just being petty. She'll find out from someone that you're married. I would suggest, to ask him to tell her the next time he hears from her that he's getting married (or already is if it's after the wedding).

 

[kanne]

hmmm. Sounds like the one you should have the issue with is your BF. If he had told his exGF about you in one of those e-mails, then I doubt you would be as upset as you are now. He should have mentioned you. The fact that the last e-mail was 1.5 years ago (and it still makes you upset), sends up a red flag. WHY is it still bothering you? What is it triggering in you? And what does that mean..he was trying to "avoid the situation"? What situation exactly?

I'm personally not a big fan of exGFs who hang around. I never fully understood the 'being friends with your ex' thing'. Too much chemistry.

feel better!!


When he broke up with her, he told her it was because he was too busy with school and they lived too far apart... a bunch of BS excuses. I want this girl to know that she was dumped because he met the girl of his dreams and that she meant nothing to him.

So....he started dating you while he was still technically dating (and lying to) her. I can now see why this bugs you. You may be angry with your BF for not officially ending the relationship (and keeping his options open). Don't beat up the exGF, she's clueless and (I'm sure) has enough problems in her life. Trust is the big issue here.

*****What is making you think about this 9 weeks before your wedding???

 

[icekid]

you need to step back and really think about this situation. YES, he should have told her that he had a gf. absolutely. but he hasn''t even emailed her in a year and a half??? why does this worry you? don''t get me wrong, i really don''t like thinking about my bf being w/ anyone but me, but the fact is those previous relationships have made him into the amazing bf that he is now. my bf also talks to his ex, perhaps once every 6 months or so.. and i''m ok with that.

your bf is not lying to you; he wants to marry you. sounds like you have a good one! sometimes boys think differently than us, and he was probably just trying not to hurt her by not telling her about you.

i had an ex whom i used to talk w/ almost everyday, but i really think that was b/c there were still feeling there on both sides rather than the fact that we should still be friends. i talked to him more or less every other day, and my bf was ok with that. i''m sure he wasn''t excited about it, but he knew where my heart was. trust your man, and don''t worry about it!

there are other boys whom i used to date that i will speak with on rare occasion and i don''t really feel the need to "confess" to my bf b/c it''s completely innocent, just catching up. i think you should really take some time to consider why this bothers you so much...


not to thread hijack, but i wonder what you guys think of this situation. when my bf and i moved in together (and moved 400 miles away for school) she sent a card addressed to both of us... only, my bf wasn''t moving here for another week and a half, which she must have known. so, i was the one who opened it. and then it was all written to him about how much he helped her and how great he is, and i felt really awkward having read it. it seemed weird to me at the time... like she wanted me to know she was still there or something? or maybe it was innocent.. she seems like a nice girl. who knows, i thought it was strange at the time though!

 

[elepri]

The only times I hated the ex-girlfriends was when i felt insecure in a relationship. I think in your case too, it has nothing to do with the girl and everything to do with your finance. She's giving you no inidication that she's remotely interested in your guy, she's just handling a former relationship in a very mature way. I don't think breaking up with someone means that you're to never speak to them again and emailing once a year really doesn't raise any red flags for me. My fiance keeps in touch with an ex or two, I have a couple of exes i exchange emails with once or twice a year. It means nothing more than being civil and curious about how someone is doing. Your fance, however, lied to his ex (if not to you). I'm not surprised you have trust issues with him. Maybe that's what you need to figure out. I doubt that sending a mean and very insecure email to the ex will make your relationship better. Good luck, hope things work out for the best.

 

[appletini]

Don''t be angry at the girl, she didn''t know your man was taken. She probably wouldn''t have emailed him again if he had told her that he had a girlfriend. And since the last email correspondance was over a year ago, you have nothing to worry about...she probably has a new guy now.

 

[blue_chica]

Wow! Why do you hate her?!! I would be a lot more pissed at the fiance. You are making a ton of excuses for his lies (and his cheating btw) and directing all of your anger at this poor girl. She''s still writing him because he hasn''t told her about you! I think you''re feeling pretty upset with your fiance for the way your relationship started, and how dishonest he continues to be, and don''t want to deal with those feelings directly. Perhaps this is something that should be dealt with before the wedding, but if not, at least let it go and start your marriage fresh. Attacking an innocent girl won''t (or shouldn''t) make you feel better about whatever flaws your relationship has.

 

[ky6]

While I understand that it is easier to direct your feelings of resentment toward this girl than toward the one you love, to email that page to her would be mean spirited and unfruitful. It will not make you feel better. It sounds to me like the one you really resent is your boyfriend for not ever telling her that you were in his life. And truthfully, if you email her (1.5 yrs after the fact), she is going to think you are nuts. And might even think that it must be because while your boyfriend is far from her thoughts, that she must not be far from his for his fiance to be harboring resentment toward her in this manner.

I was that girl once- the one who was the target of undeserved resentment. I dated a guy for a little less than a year. Around the middle of our relationship we had a week or two break up. During that time he spoke to and saw a girl that he had previously had a 2 or 3 month relationship with. Boy and I got back together (I knew about the other girls involvement during our short break). But the other girl continued to pursue him. There were many problems in this relationship and I knew it should end. I stayed in it much longer than I should have. Anyhow, I found out that toward the end of our relationship he had been having lunch with her and talking on the phone with her. So all that said, we broke up for many many reasons and I moved on. However, boy started sending me these very moving emails. He was a gifted poet so most were in form of poetry. Anyhow, they talked about how I was the one for him, blah, blah, blah. I had begun dating another man at the time and simply ignored Boy''s emails (even when he told me he had driven past my house at odd hours and knew I must have been seeing someone).

So anyhow, over a year later, I am confronted by the other girl at a bar. She had met my best friend several times (best friend dated Boy''s roommate) and came and sat at our table. I was never introduced, but assumed that if she knew my best friend she was cool. So I was friendly to the random strange girl at our table until I left because my game was up at the pool table. Anyhow, she followed me to the pool table- apparently she was really pissed that I had no idea who she was. Thing is, she was of no consequence to me. I no longer had an interest in Boy, nor did I ever really think about him. Anyhow, she got in my face and told me about how her and Boy were together and how serious they were. I, of course, told her that I was happy for them. She then told me that Boy was cheating on me with her at the end of our relationship . I told her that I didn''t really care, as that was over a year ago. It really irked her that I was not mad. She kept on, giving me a specific circumstance when I had come to Boy''s house late at night during the last couple of weeks of our re''ship and he didn''t answer the door- she said it was because she was in his bed. Again, I told her that I was not too concerned about that.

I am human, and the urge hit me that I should tell her about all of the emails and poems when I guess they must have been dating, but it seemed to mean so much to this girl that she WIN in her mind that I just wished her well. I really didn''t care. And in the end, I just pittied this girl that she continued to harbor so much resentment toward me when the issue was really that she didn''t trust Boy. Further, I figured there must be something in their re''ship to make this girl still be so worried about me, that she had to one-up me.

Anyhow, long story short, I thought that girl was nuts. And I am afraid that you may be percieved the same way. Best thing is for you to deal with your trust issues with your fiance before marriage. If you trust him, great. If not, it needs to be dealt with. As for the ex. Leave her alone. The last thing she needs is an email from you. She will find out you are married through mutual friends. Plus, she probably already knows you guys are engaged (hence, the lack of email for a year and half). Assume that she does and is respecting you and afford her the same respect you want from her.

Whew. That was the longest I have ever posted- think my fingers are cramping

Sorry about the long post.

 

[fire&ice]

I''m just feelin the love for you young women more and more. Great advice that took guts.

 

[moremoremore]

Great story ky6!

And to answer windy''s question "am I being stupid?" ... Ummmm, Yes.

As stated above, she did nothing wrong. So you''re going to hold it against your guy that in 2003, a girl asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said no? Get over it. Maturity is an important part of marriage. Sorry to be so blunt, but come on now! After two months of dating my hudband, I went to lunch with another guy. Who cares. He laughs about it. You should too.

 

[moremoremore]

ForteKitty: "After some time, he started seeing some other girl, and she instantly hated me. I never did anything to her, I don''t even want her guy."

OMG- I hear that. I dated a guy for over 6 years. We broke up b/c it just wasn''t going to work. It was mutual and a long time coming but it was sad b/c we were friends and I thought we''d stay in touch now and then. So, I think I called him 1 month after we broke up b/c he moved to Florida...just to say hi and shoot the sh*t. I left a message. Got a phone call from some girl..."nicky" I remember her name still...LOL...to say that he didn''t want to be my friend and that I was never going to call him again...Well, this is absolutely hysterical to me today...back then it was upsetting, but whatever. They ended up getting married and I still think he works in a mail room LOLOLOL... LOSER. LOLOLOL

 

[wcitygirl]

Hi! I''m sorry that you''re going through this trauma 9 weeks before your wedding! I was in a situation like that once. Well, not exactly the same. My bf had a female friend and I felt like she was sort of crossing the line (sending him perfumed letters and packages with cookies with secret messages, etc.) of friendship. I was also fairly certain that she had a wee bit of a crush on him (I knew her before he and I started dating). So, when things started getting a little much, I asked my bf to make sure that he made it CRYSTAL clear that we were dating and we were serious and to please stand up for our relationship because I felt like she was disrespecting me to an extent. If that makes sense? (And he did, but she''s still not getting the message -- she recently sent a wedding invitation to him without "and guest" which could be taken several ways, but she DOES know I exist, so????? But, at least I know that he did his part? -- because he cc''d me on the email he sent her.)

While our situations are different, the common theme is that the person you should be dealing with is your fiance. Now, granted, I think men can be cowards in general when breaking up with people and dealing with uncomfortable situations. BUT. I think that he should have handled this more maturely and plainly stood up for your relationship! This girl is not at fault. Your fiance should be ready and willing to defend your relationship!! I think if you feel uncomfortable with the situation, you should ask your fiance to clarify the situation with this girl. I don''t think you should "just get over it" like people have suggested. But, I do think that your anger is misdirected. If I may speculate, I think that maybe you''re hurt because your fiance has PUT you in this situation where you feel like you have to defend yourself. This is HIS problem. HE should have taken care of this a long time ago.

But, regardless, YOU can''t email her that -- you will look seriously petty and snotty to the girl and it may start drama. (I don''t understand the whole "fighting" thing either -- can you further explain?) I agree with Momoftwo -- I would have HIM tell her next time he hears from her. BUt, I would make sure that he knows that this was hurtful and unacceptable to you and in the future, you would hope that he would handle his interpersonal relationships in a mature fashion and truthfully. And I would resolve this definitely before marriage.

I also agree with Lovey about the ex''s who hang around -- it''s really unnecessary -- and that''s just my personal preference, but I don''t HATE them. You should be enjoying this time!! You''re getting married -- resolve this and be happy!

 

[Croí]

I''m with whoever said you''ll only have an issue with someone from the past if you don''t feel secure in the present. It''s the easiest way to channel your frustration, especially if you don''t want to really look at the real cause of your distress - some level of insecurity you have yourself ??

You made a point of saying "I do trust my fiancee... I know he would never cheat on me" - were you trying to convince us or yourself ??

Case in point from my ''history book'' - donkeys years ago (as a teen) I met a wonderful, intense, amazing young man. we had an immediate and incredible connection which I am full sure will last till we draw our final breath. I do believe some souls are our ''mate'' and that there are those we are so comfortable with and drawn to because they are familiar and ''known'' from before. anyhow I don''t believe that that necessarily means you''ll end up spending each lifetime together, just that you will be a huge part of the other person''s life and heart.
ANYHOOOOO - we never really got together and then I started to date my ex. My ex. DETESTED this other guy with a PASSION - I mean without knowing him or anything. He always felt I''d cheat on him with this guy (which I never did). I did stay in touch with him but it would be two or three days of e-mails or a long letter once in awhile, then maybe two years or more of no contact. We used to usually touch base when some major life event was happening in either of our lives. I curbed my friendship with this wonderful person because my ex. made it appear to be something ugly and underhand which it was not. Looking back I realise he did this with almost all of my friends.
The point I''m making is this --- my friend and I are in regular contact now. My wonderful FI and he have met several times and really respect and like each other (he has even stayed with us when in town) and there is nothing ''odd'' or ''weird'' ...... no bad vibes on any end. I have realised that all the ''wrongness'' was in my ex''s head. He was the one who was insecure and so on and so forth. My FI is totally confident and happy in our relationship (as he should be) and so am I (despite his ex''s too) and no-one from either of our pasts has any hold or affect on our present or our future together.

I''m getting married nine weeks from tomorrow and I''m really, really glad I''m not feeling the way you are. I hope you get to the bottom of what is going on here and resolve it. I think your FI needs to realise that maybe he (intentionally or not) really invalidated you and your relationship by not acknowledging it to this girl. She has no fault in this at all, if she doesn''t know about you how can you find fault (against you) in anything she does or doesn''t do .....

and finally, I SO agree with the others - leave the past in the past, why are you so fixated on this ?

I wish you LOTS of luck ........ really.
C

 

[Brittany]

Honestly,

It''s 9 weeks before your wedding. You are probably pretty nervous and trying to figure out if you''re really making the right choice.

It''s normal to get the jitters and doubts but you''ve got to follow your heart.

This girl and old situation put doubt in your mind in the past and you are referencing it because it''s probably one of "those things" that feeds your doubt.

Either you want to marry the guy or you don''t. Better decide that now.

Brittany

 

[psuheather]

Ky6--I can't believe that that girl was bragging to you that her bf cheated on you with her. I would never brag that my bf was a cheater. If he did it to you, he's probably doing it to her too!

***Plus, I would never want to admit that I had knowingly been "the other woman"...that is so trashy and humiliating. Just shows you the type of person that she is...

 

[kanne]

now you've gone and got me started on the "Cycle of Trash"

is the 'other woman' trashy and humilliated or just plain old trashy? I've been around the block on this subject and I can tell you from experience that the other woman is most likely (I have seen only one exception) a winning combination of low self esteem with a big dose of trashy thrown in.. hence the reason that K6s ex was trying to get her back. What guy (deep down) wants to marry the trashy girl (even if the guy is also trashy)? Sleep with, sure, but marry..sadly no. But K6 had already picked her healthy self up and moved on (buh bye..I love that part) and so trashy guy was left with just...well the trashy girl. And they lived sort of happily ever after for 8 months until each found yet another trashy person that seemed somehow less trashy (at the time). Rinse and Repeat the cycle until each person is completely unhappy and unfulfilled.

my .02.

 

[snow_happy]

Hi windy--
Do I think you are being stupid... probably yes But I also know that even women who are normal (for the most part) get crazy at times. I think what has already been written is good advice (i.e. working out all issues PRIOR to getting married). I think the seed of this question is do you trust your fiancee? If so, then you should NOT feel threatened by this girl. You should be happy and excited for your upcoming wedding... if you are not then you need to take a long look at your decision before committing your life to your fiancee. Concentrate on what makes you happy

 

[KBerly]

if you trust your man and are not insecure about the relationship, this shouldn''t even be an issue....period, the end.

 

[Jennifer5973]

Wow--you''ve gotten some very insightful, perceptive advice/insights from other forum members.

I agree that focussing on this person is a complete waste of time. I am, however, concerned as to why you are so focussed on her/this sitiation. Instead of thinking about her, I suggest thinking about how you really feel about the trust in your relationship. This is not an easy exercise but I agree with the sentiment that something seems to be fueling your worry over this woman being a problem. Is the issue really that you expected your BF/FI to cut her and any other ex-girlfriends off? And why would that be so important to you? Or is it that he didn''t tell this woman about you? Maybe it is because he has lied already once about a relationship and you''re subconsciously worried he''ll do it/has done it again? Whatever it is, work it out NOW and get on with your life, one way or the other.

It sounds very "pat" and cliche but hate really only eats the hater up inside. It took me a while to learn this in life but when you learn to let go og useless anger at other people, you''ll be a lot happier.

Good luck.

 

[windy1365]

Thanks for all of the great advice. I''m not going to email the girl... mainly because of the advice that if I do that, she will think that my fiancee still thinks about her. My fiancee told me that the only time he thinks about her is when I bring her up. He actually did not cheat on her with me... he broke up with her because he wanted to go out with me, but we didn''t date until it was ended. I was actually living with someone else when I met my fiancee. He was really weird, and our personalities clashed really bad. He ended up going to jail for stalking afterwards... but that is another story!!

I have a history of this. I will have a boyfriend... it gets serious and I''m happy, but then I start obsessing over their ex-girlfriends. Like all the time... at work, at school. It takes up all my time. Then, it starts making me hate my boyfriend. Literally hating him. Then, I start looking for another guy to get me out of my miserable relationship. The two guys overlap and I finally break up with the old boyfriend and get serious with the new boyfriend. Then, I''ll start doing the same thing again and end up hating the new boyfriend. This is the third time that I have been engaged... I''ve never been this close to getting married, though. I have my dress. We''ve signed the contracts. The family have bought their plane tickets. And, I''ve started the same pattern again... and he has no idea. Does anyone else do this kind of thing in their head?

I really love my fiancee on my good days (when something else occupies my mind), but I can go a week not liking him because of this.

I don''t know if this matters or not... but I am a college grad with MBA... and I have a professional job, so I can''t use the excuse of being ignorant. Anyone have any advice about this issue? My fiancee really is a great guy... the best, and I know I will never find anyone else that I get along with so well! How can I get all this obsessive stuff out of my head and move on with my life?

 

[ForteKitty]

are you sure you want to marry him?

 

[Erin]

I suggest you seek the advise of a professional relationship counselor. Although these ladies are very bright and insightful, I doubt anyone here can honestly give the answers you need without talking very seriously about multiple aspects of your life. I suggest going to your HR department and asking if they have any company benefit programs for this type of issue.

 

[jenwill]

Perhaps going to a counselor for you to use as a sounding board would help? It sounds as is you are trying to find a reason not to like the person you are with, maybe just to end it before you think they might hurt you by ending it themselves. A trained professional may be able to point out more subtle patterns that you are following that is triggering this behavior...and help you to recognize what is bringing it on.

You are in a tough spot...you love this man when you are not obsessing about non-existant things- hate him when these thoughts get into your brain and worm around. Seems like some kind of primitive (and not very useful) protection mechanism at work in your life...but without resolving whatever the underlying issue is, it will only lead to more heartache and despair.

At this point something needs to be done immediately- whether it is deciding that you need to talk to someone, delay the wedding, or just recognize that you have a self-destructive relationship pattern of your own making. Once one step is made, the rest get easier.