can''t stand this girl

[windy1365]

Yes, I want to marry him. Our personalities go together very well. I have warm fuzzy feelings toward him that I have never felt for anyone before. I can''t imagine life without him. You just know when he''s the one... and I know that he is. That''s why I want to deal with this this time instead of just moving on to someone else.

I have a very normal life other than this one issue... but this one issue happens to take up a lot of my brain space. My first serious boyfriend acted just like this... we were together for four and a half years... so maybe I learned this behavior from him??? He was super jealous... we would be driving down the road and I would have to keep my eyes down because if I happened to glance at a passing car that had a cute guy in it, he would go nuts! He hated all of my ex-boyfriends... I couldn''t even mention their name. I guess it''s possible to pick up someone''s bad habits if you''re with them long enough.

 

[twinkletoes]

i'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but reading your post has all my red warning flags waving something fierce.

I would think it would make more sense to be mad at your fiance. he didn't tell his ex about you for over a year and you say you were serious. you say it's because he didn't want the hassle - but really, does that make sense to you if she specifically asked him whether he has a gf? how hard is it to type out, "YES"? honestly, it sounds to me as if he wanted to keep her around for some reason OR he just wasn't man/adult enough to handle the situation correctly. he says he thought she would just go away, but would respond back to her emails every time? wouldn't an ex drop out of his life faster if he told her that he had moved on and was in a serious relationship? you say that you trust him, but do you really? he's lied about whether or not he had a gf (and kept up this lie for an extended period of time), he lied about his reasons for breaking up with the ex (stating it he was too busy, etc)...i think your issues with your fiance are being aimed at the wrong person.

anyways, forget about her. she's supposedly been long gone (1.5 years) and just be happy with what you have with your man. but i would lay down some ground rules for him - #1 being honest regarding his relationship status to everyone being one of them and #2 handling situations in an adult like manner instead of lying/taking the easy way out.


ETA: you should tell him about this problem you have so at least he knows where it's coming from instead of feeling like he's being accused of something. (sorry, there were quite a few posts made while i was typing mine out). i don't know you, i don't know your fiance. i thought at first it was his issue and now it sounds as though you think it's your issue. ... so i'm a bit confused now.... anyways...

have you two talked about going through premarital counseling? maybe at your church or at the church you're getting married at? i would think it very important for you to get your insecurities & frustrations out and resolved before getting married. and if not before... immediately following the wedding. get it out of your system and out of the marriage asap. it won't magically go away on its own.

 

[heart prongs]

Windy - I need to be blunt here -- you have never gotten to know yourself, alone, w/o a guy. Therefore, you do not know what you want, need and deserve...Think super carefully about the huge commitment you''re about to make...both people deserve the best in a marriage. Is this fair to your future husband? The only things I was thinking about 9 weeks before our wedding was invitations, honeymoon shopping, fitting into my dress and marrying the man of my dreams. Please talk to someone before you go into this w/o any reservations...Good luck...klr

 

[snow_happy]

windy--
All the previous advice has centered on the fact of you trusting him but after your last post I really think this might be a problem inside your own head. I think maybe you are afraid of commitment since you have been engaged three times and you use the ex-gf thing as an excuse to run away. Even if you go along with the wedding, your worries and insecurities about commitment will still remain and possibly manifest itself in other ways. I think you need to look seriously at whether or not YOU are ready to be married regardless of the quality of the guy. In other words, don''t get married just to get married or just because it''s logical...or you will just end up regretting it in the end.

Good luck and I hope you make a decision you are 100% confident in.

 

[windy1365]

twinkletoes - This is what I think my fiancee was thinking.... he broke up with this girl and told her the reason was that he was too busy with school to be in a relationship and the distance thing (she lived 30 - 45 minutes away). Really, he wanted to start dating me. But, she continued to email him...and he did not tell her that he was in a relationship, I think because he didn''t want to hurt her feelings b/c he had told her that he didn''t want to see her b/c he didn''t have time to be in a relationship. In one email, she asked him if he wanted to start dating her again, and he told her no, that he just didn''t think it would be fair b/c he was too busy in school. He should have told her that he had a girlfriend. That would have been the best way to handle it. He says that he was just hoping that she would go away. Five months would go by, and she would send him another email. He would respond to it, and that would be it. Then after four or five months, SHE would send another email.

Would you really end the relationship if he hasn''t talked to this girl in a year and a half? What should I do? Should I make him email her and tell her that he is getting married? If I was going to end the relationship b/c of this, I should have done it a long time ago!!

Snow-happy - I am confident that I want to get married this week. Two weeks ago, I did freak out about it and I told him about it. He got really upset and told me that I should have thought about all of this before we had planned out our wedding. He calmed me down by telling me that nothing will change just because we get married other than me having an extra ring on my finger.

Heart_prongs - I am worrying plenty about fitting into my dress. I have a tape measurer out every night.

 

[Momoftwo]

Windy, this is less about him and mostly about you. This reeks more of your personal insecurities than anything he may or may not have done. He did do something dumb by not telling her about you, but that is not a reason to not trust him. Men are always doing dumb things. They just don''t think like women do. That is a fact. I would tell him if she emails him again to tell her the truth. You have that right to request that of him now. After 1.5 years there is nothing there. I see you looking for something. This isn''t about you being on your own, or "knowing yourself" (whatever that really means). This probably has more to do with your past history and your upbringing than anything else.

Actually, him telling you nothing will change except a ring on your finger is a strange thing to say. Marriage changes much more than that. It''s a whole new sense of trust and peace than not being married. It''s such a permanent commitment. Dating, living together (which is nothing like being married), being engaged just aren''t the same. Marriage is a total and complete commitment. If you truly trust the other person implicitly, the past does not matter at all. I have never had any reason to doubt my DH. 24 years and we are still as close as ever and complete trust is there. I would have no trouble confronting him if I thought there was anything (sexual or not) going on with anyone else, but that isn''t necessary for us, and that''s how it should be if you''re prepared to marry him. I don''t agree that nerves are part of getting married. Neither of us was the least bit nervous and every marriage I know that has lasted is the same way. You do need to question why you''re looking for problems now.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Ummmm, how did you get access to read these emails? Did he just give you his password and say - "have fun, baby"!

I know if I was him, I would be livid that you were violating my privacy, despite the fact that you think there was something to be gained from reading these emails, I doubt he even thought 2 seconds about them and was just trying to be friendly. Perhaps he''s just non-confrontational.

My boyfriend has an ex that emails him occasionally. I''m not a fan of hers because she''s the one that really broke his heart - 9 years older than him and basically used him and played games with him when he was a young college student. He told me she emailed him once and he mentioned that he and his current g/f (the one right before me) had gone to a Christmas party and stayed at this wonderful hotel downtown. She went completely nuts and responded to him that although she was happy that he was doing well, the last thing she wanted to talk about was "which hotel he had banged his new girlfriend at". The next time he told me she emailed was when he moved in with me the first time (very early in our relationship). He mentioned he was happy and that absolutely everything in his life was going well. Seemed to cover all of her questions without being specific about our relationship since she was obviously so offended that he mentioned a hotel stay to his ex who wrote an email under the guise of trying to keep in touch.

So, I''m not even sure if she''s emailed him recently, but I think now he just doesn''t bother with personal stuff if he even bothers to respond at all. He''s pretty non-confrontational and frankly, just doesn''t care enough to let her know the details of his life.

Anyhow, I''m shocked your future hubby isn''t more upset that you violated his privacy and seem to have gone snooping through his email.

 

[windy1365]

I just happened to see the email when I was using his email account to email a friend of mine. I didn''t have a personal email account at the time, so he was letting me use his. I asked him about it, and he lied... saying that she was a friend from college. (He''s been graduated from college for ten years now!) So, that gave me the right to read all of the emails from this girl. I didn''t read them until later, so it''s not like I kept going back and reading them... it was a one time deal.

He did get mad at me at the time, but now he tells me that I can read his email if I want to, that he has nothing to hide. I don''t care if he gets on my email... I don''t have anything to hide from him on my email.

 

[twinkletoes]

no, i wouldn''t break up with him over an ex he last spoke to 1.5 years ago, but i still would recommend hashing this all out with your fiance and finally putting it behind you both instead of letting this bother you & get between you guys. don''t have him email her. if she does later down the line email him, he needs to respond back saying that he''s married.

and if you have a past history of sabotaging your relationships i would recommend seeing a counselor to figure out why you''re doing this and how to put an end to it. marriage itself is hard enough as it is!

 

[heart prongs]

MOM OF 2
"This isn''t about you being on your own, or "knowing yourself" (whatever that really means). This probably has more to do with your past history and your upbringing than anything else."

What I mean is that her "past history" sounds like she jumped from one relationship to the next and seems to be unable -- not sure if that is the right word -- perhaps to be alone and figure out her own needs.

Thought I''d clarify...klr

 

[Momoftwo]

I just think the issues are more hers than his. I see some flags in her posts that indicate there are deeper issues here than his ex who he hasn''t talked to in 1.5 years. She''s got some stuff to work through and it''s more about that than him and his "guy" things. Like I said earlier, men sometimes do dumb things and they dont'' even realize it. That said, he should be held accountable for not having dealt with it originally. If she contacts him again, he has the responsibility to tell her what is going on. Otherwise, it is water under the bridge and she needs to deal with why it''s bothering her so much now.

 

[goldengirl]

Date: 2/24/2005 11:32:52 PM
Author:windy1365
I want to send her an email with a link to our webpage on theknot.com... then she will see in the write up that she was dumped for me... I have on the webpage when we started dating. When he broke up with her, he told her it was because he was too busy with school and they lived too far apart... a bunch of BS excuses. I want this girl to know that she was dumped because he met the girl of his dreams and that she meant nothing to him. I would send this email, but I don't want her to start emailing him again. What should I do???? Am I being stupid?

Edit: never mind! You've already gotten a great deal of good advice and frankly, I see deeper issues in your follow-up post about this being your third engagement and you cycle of exgf-obsession. Honey... this is troublesome. Seriously.

Date: 2/25/2005 9:57:28 PM
Author: windy1365
I asked him about it, and he lied... saying that she was a friend from college. So, that gave me the right to read all of the emails from this girl.

Ummmm.... no, it doesn't. And you wouldn't have known he lied until you opened them and read them. So really, it's just an invasion of his privacy.

Out of curiousity, why were you so curious about a 1.5-year-old email? I mean, it's not like they've been corresponding all this past month. I can honestly say I wouldn't have thought anything about a few random emails that old.

 

[MrsFrk]

Date: 2/25/2005 7:40:30 PM
Author: windy1365
Thanks for all of the great advice. I''m not going to email the girl... mainly because of the advice that if I do that, she will think that my fiancee still thinks about her. My fiancee told me that the only time he thinks about her is when I bring her up. He actually did not cheat on her with me... he broke up with her because he wanted to go out with me, but we didn''t date until it was ended. I was actually living with someone else when I met my fiancee. He was really weird, and our personalities clashed really bad. He ended up going to jail for stalking afterwards... but that is another story!!


I have a history of this. I will have a boyfriend... it gets serious and I''m happy, but then I start obsessing over their ex-girlfriends. Like all the time... at work, at school. It takes up all my time. Then, it starts making me hate my boyfriend. Literally hating him. Then, I start looking for another guy to get me out of my miserable relationship. The two guys overlap and I finally break up with the old boyfriend and get serious with the new boyfriend. Then, I''ll start doing the same thing again and end up hating the new boyfriend. This is the third time that I have been engaged... I''ve never been this close to getting married, though. I have my dress. We''ve signed the contracts. The family have bought their plane tickets. And, I''ve started the same pattern again... and he has no idea. Does anyone else do this kind of thing in their head?


I really love my fiancee on my good days (when something else occupies my mind), but I can go a week not liking him because of this.


I don''t know if this matters or not... but I am a college grad with MBA... and I have a professional job, so I can''t use the excuse of being ignorant. Anyone have any advice about this issue? My fiancee really is a great guy... the best, and I know I will never find anyone else that I get along with so well! How can I get all this obsessive stuff out of my head and move on with my life?

Windy- I am not being glib, I really think you need to get some professional help to deal with this issue. You seem to be a very thoughtful, well educated woman, but this obessessive ex-girlfriend thing, which seems to be serial, really needs to be addressed. This behaviour of yours is going to taint your marriage, and make it very hard for you two to be happy. It is not normal to be mad at your boyfriend for a week because of an e-mail that is years old. Please seek some therapy to get past this, I fear that your ability to have a happy marriage will be compromised unless you resolve this. Good luck!

 

[appletini]

windy: please get some counseling on this issue! You really need to break the cycle and resolve your insecurities before you get married. You sound like the runaway bride. Does your fiance know that he is your third fiance...I would think that this makes him quite nerveous. Please resolve your issues before the marriage.

 

[Jennifer5973]

Date: 2/25/2005 8:46:58 PM
Author: snow_happy
windy--
All the previous advice has centered on the fact of you trusting him but after your last post I really think this might be a problem inside your own head. I think maybe you are afraid of commitment since you have been engaged three times and you use the ex-gf thing as an excuse to run away. Even if you go along with the wedding, your worries and insecurities about commitment will still remain and possibly manifest itself in other ways. I think you need to look seriously at whether or not YOU are ready to be married regardless of the quality of the guy. In other words, don''t get married just to get married or just because it''s logical...or you will just end up regretting it in the end.

Good luck and I hope you make a decision you are 100% confident in.

I think I agree with snowhappy.... Windy, I think you need to talk to someone--and most of us need guidance laong the way in our lives, myself included (and I''m not embarrassed to admit it--when my parents divorced, I was a mess).... Some of your posts sound borderline obsessive compulsive. regardless, all the well-meaning forum members here with our vast array of life experiences can only help you so much, take you so far.... What they/we have done is raise red flags that something is not right here and you should not be entering into a lifelong commitment with feelings like this.

Talk to someone--even i is an older, wiser friend, your priest/rabbi/minister, whoever...and get some perspective/clarity on yourself and this these issues. Do it for you.

I wish you all the best.

PS does your work have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? they can be great as sources for these types of problems.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 2/26/2005 9:56

4 AM
Author: Jennifer5973

I think I agree with snowhappy.... Windy, I think you need to talk to someone--and most of us need guidance laong the way in our lives, myself included (and I''m not embarrassed to admit it--when my parents divorced, I was a mess).... Some of your posts sound borderline obsessive compulsive. regardless, all the well-meaning forum members here with our vast array of life experiences can only help you so much, take you so far.... What they/we have done is raise red flags that something is not right here and you should not be entering into a lifelong commitment with feelings like this.

Talk to someone--even i is an older, wiser friend, your priest/rabbi/minister, whoever...and get some perspective/clarity on yourself and this these issues. Do it for you.

I wish you all the best.

PS does your work have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? they can be great as sources for these types of problems.

I completely concur.

Please get professional help. An email sent a year ago isn''t the core issue. Allowing someone to "not look at other cars" is not O.K.

 

[Libster]

Date: 2/25/2005 7:40:30 PM
Author: windy1365
Thanks for all of the great advice. I''m not going to email the girl... mainly because of the advice that if I do that, she will think that my fiancee still thinks about her. My fiancee told me that the only time he thinks about her is when I bring her up. He actually did not cheat on her with me... he broke up with her because he wanted to go out with me, but we didn''t date until it was ended. I was actually living with someone else when I met my fiancee. He was really weird, and our personalities clashed really bad. He ended up going to jail for stalking afterwards... but that is another story!!

I have a history of this. I will have a boyfriend... it gets serious and I''m happy, but then I start obsessing over their ex-girlfriends. Like all the time... at work, at school. It takes up all my time. Then, it starts making me hate my boyfriend. Literally hating him. Then, I start looking for another guy to get me out of my miserable relationship. The two guys overlap and I finally break up with the old boyfriend and get serious with the new boyfriend. Then, I''ll start doing the same thing again and end up hating the new boyfriend. This is the third time that I have been engaged... I''ve never been this close to getting married, though. I have my dress. We''ve signed the contracts. The family have bought their plane tickets. And, I''ve started the same pattern again... and he has no idea. Does anyone else do this kind of thing in their head?

I really love my fiancee on my good days (when something else occupies my mind), but I can go a week not liking him because of this.

I don''t know if this matters or not... but I am a college grad with MBA... and I have a professional job, so I can''t use the excuse of being ignorant. Anyone have any advice about this issue? My fiancee really is a great guy... the best, and I know I will never find anyone else that I get along with so well! How can I get all this obsessive stuff out of my head and move on with my life?

Hi,
You''ve been given some very good advice here. You''ve taken the first step and that is realizing that you have some sort of trust/insecurity issue and this is a pattern for you. The ex-girlfriend is not the problem and you know this. I know you want more than anything to be happy, have a healthy relationship and marriage, and that is why you are asking for help. Please take the time before the wedding to talk to a counselor and see if you can''t get to work on some of this. You will feel much better by addressing this issue rather than continuing to sabatoge your happiness. Hang in there.

 

[blueroses]

Windy,

You''ve been given some great advice. As far as your boy''s non-disclosure to the ex goes, it could be something to worry about, or it could be nothing and just a guy misguidely trying to spare someone''s feelings in that "I''ll call you" kind of way--boys can be stupid and evasive and try to find easier ways. Given what you''ve said about your history in this arena, I really think it''s probably the latter.

Here''s my .02 to add as far as the mindset of this overwhelming jealousy you''re experiencing. (Because it IS about you, and you CAN get away from it--this is not a life sentence of feeling this way.)

First of all, I feel for you girl--irrational, misplaced, and worrisome as this 11th-hour panic/jealousy/obsession is--I have been there myself and know what you''re talking about. When I was younger I also would get pretty psycho about boyfriends'' exes....which in hindsight was so silly because they pre-dated me--these weren''t even current problems, these were women that they''d dated before they''d even met me!! But I can remember also freaking out on my ex (when I was 21) because I perceived he was checking out other girls in cars. Duh! And my early-20s-idealistic feminism didn''t help b/c not only did I read into every glance on a personal level, it also had to be a political statement about my bf objectifying women, etcetc. I freely admit that I used to get NUTTILY jealous. And in retrospect, I know that it was about me and my insecurities, not about other girls, and usually not even about the bf.

But I know EXACTLY what you''re talking about in terms of these past people--who truly do not have an impact on your life and should not matter--becoming this spectre and haunting you, consuming you at home, at work, taking over your thoughts...I have literally felt the exact same way and it makes little sense, and it demands concern: I totally concur with these girls that counselling is the answer. A certain percentage of your angst is specific to the bf--feeling that slight that you were not mentioned, the worry that if he was dishonest about THIS, then what else is a problem, etc--but you acknowledge your patten here--bf after bf after bf--and especially with this being a what, 2-3 e-mail a year non-issue? Please, please, please find someone to talk to. You''re not crazy, but this is a situation that is making you want to act crazy and you need to understand these impulses and work through them with a counselor.

I''ve also been on the other side of the equation. As a jr. studying abroad in college, I had a 3 month fling with a guy. No love, not serious, whatever. We stayed in e-mail touch over the years merely as friends just checking in and hearing about how our lives had turned out. You know, are you still acting, how is law school, that sort of thing. Healthy/right or not, we became sort of sounding boards for each other. We''d fill each other in our our relationships, what was going on, and from time to time we''d sort of reflect back on what we had had back in the day. I have never--10 years later--even seen this guy again, but we''d kept in touch sporadically, no big deal. I could see how someone on the outside could perceive the writing style of our e-mails as flirty, because he was very introspective and personal in the way he wrote about his life but there was nothing there--just an old friendsip being 1/2-way kept up. Anyway, he started dating a girl around the time I started dating my now-bf (hopfully ftb!!) back in 96-97. She was PSYCHO. About 3 years into their relationship, she broke into his e-mail accounts, and freaked out. I got this MASSIVE e-mail--totally out of the blue--from her telling me what a faithless slut I was, about how her bf didn''t want to be in touch with me and hear about all the d!cks that had been inside me (what!!?? EW!!!!!!) and how my bf should know how horrible I was, her bf loved HER, not me ( I''d never loved him myself and didn''t care!!--this is, keep in mind, now 6 years since I''ve even seen the guy)--and all sorts of horrible things. I was so caught off guard I get shaky still thinking about it. I felt horrible and yet I had done absolutely nothing! This was a totally platonic e-mail only correspondance, and I was madly in love with my bf! I was simply floored. It got worse--she was so intent on getting me "out" of her bf''s life (I wasn''t even in it!!!) that she created a faux e-mail account with MY NAME and started sending messages to herself from "me" that said things like "I slept with your boyfriend" and forwarding them to her bf. I suppose so that he''d "see the light" about what an evil slut I was and cut me off??? And I got an e-mail from HIM forwarding me a message that I''d supposedly sent her, and he was defending his girl, saying "what the hell is this." Well I got on the horn with hotmail abuse about identity theft and that promptly stopped it. But it also stopped our friendship because even though he KNEW those messages hadn''t come from me, for the sake of their relationship, he couldn''t face that they were from her and he had to be "loyal." Well, they finally--after over 7 years of bitterness, counselling, contentiousness, and finally him having a long-term affair on her(!)--broke up. So it seems her fears about him were founded, but I have to wonder which came first--if he went elsewhere b/c of the oppressiveness of her psychosis at home, or what. That whole situation really brought be around more to Lovey''s way of thinking: that contact with exes is maybe not such a good thing, no matter how benign the intentions.

Anyway, aside from the trainwreck appeal of sharing this kind of thing, the bottom line is that being on EITHER side of this equation is unhealthy and insanely destructive. As you know from the pattern of it yourself, it feeds on itself and it is a viscious cycle. You are 9 weeks away from marrying the man of your dreams, and you owe it to both of you and to your future together to get right with yourself and seek some counseling pronto so that you can face whatever it is in you, in him, in your relationship, that is causing you to fixate on this non-entity in your life. Good luck, remember to breathe through it when the waves of jealousy come over you, and find someone to help you through this asap. Hang in there.


(And to the LIW, sorry I''ve been away most of the week: MASSIVE system crash. Update all of your spyware-blockers! Our browser was hijacked and we''re doing a complete OS reinstallation. Yuck!!)

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

Date: 2/24/2005 11:32:52 PM
Author:windy1365

Am I being stupid?

Yup. You said it yourself. He left her b/c he found the girl of his dreams. Don''t fault your bf for wanting to let her down easy. She is not trying to get back with him and a friendly email is nothing worth getting out the claws out for. Relax. This is not a threat.

 

[windy1365]

Thanks, blueroses. I guess I do need to talk to someone about this. It doesn''t get any better. I might go a week or two and be happy, but then I start obsessing again. Something simple might start it... like the other day we were hiking and he mentioned that he had went bowling one time and got a really good score. We had went bowling... and he hadn''t got a very good score, which I mentioned. Well, he said, "it must have been with someone else". I just got this wave of jealousy over me and couldn''t stand him for the longest time. I didn''t mention anything about it to him, though. I eventually got over it after about twenty minutes, but it makes me mad again thinking about it. It''s like I don''t want him to have a past with any other girl. I can''t stand the thought of him ever having sex with anyone before me. It just makes me sick!! And, I had plenty of boyfriends and lovers before him, so it makes me have double standards, too.

 

[Momoftwo]

First thing you have to remember is guys don't put the same (or any) emotional emphasis on every single thing they do, or even pay as close of attention, so sometimes they remember doing something and because you're the one, they think it was with you. Actually, that should make you happy because it means he assumed it was you because you mean so much to him. My husband has done that once or twice and we've been together for 27 years. But, what bugs me is that he forgets when or with who, not because I'm jealous, but because he forgets stuff. That's a guy thing. What is really endearing is that when he looks at me he still sees me as the 18 year old he met and the 21 year old he married, and I am a little grayer, and a little heavier now. Guys just have a different perspective on life and love. Live in the present. You cannot expect him not to have any past. Do you have past boyfriends? How would you feel if he reacted the same way? It's not fair at all nor is it realistic. Everyone has a past and everyone in your past shapes you into who you are today. Do not marry him til you have this worked out. It's not gonna just go away because you're married. It might actually get worse. Obsession can be dealt with if you go see someone.

 

[HOUMedGal]

Windy, I agree with everyone that you should seek some professional help. I think that talking it through with someone who is trained to know what to say back to you and how to guide you through your personal demons would help more than you know. I can tell that you want to marry this man...you said it feels like it''s never felt before, etc. But I am also afraid that if you don''t do something about it now, your tendency toward jealousy might ruin it all.

And let me add this...I hope you''re not starting to feel like the bad guy here. I mean, through all these posts we''ve pretty much come to the conclusion that the problem is in your tendency to get jealous. BUT you must remember that uncontrollable jealousy is a problem that TONS of women (and men, for that matter) have. You are certainly not alone in this, and you aren''t a bad person because of it.

It is an issue that can be worked on, if you are willing to do it. And it seems to me like you are, for the sake of your marriage.

BEST of luck with this....you can get through it!

 

[i_like_tiffany_please_dont_hate_me]

we all have our own issues, which we tend to project to other areas to avoid the unpleasant reality. I don''t mean to be presumptuous, but I think you have low self-esteem and are insecure. I know because I see part of myself in the way you reacted, like I get upset when guys hit on my gf in chatrooms for instance. I get upset because I worry that she will leave me etc, which is nuts, she loves me and doesn''t want anyone else - esp. not some loser in a chatroom! but I have low self-esteem and I can be pretty insecure, so it bothers me. it is something I am working on and it doesn''t get in the way of my relationship

so I think this is probably about your own self-esteem and insecurity. when you find out he is emailing his ex, that makes you insecure. when you find out he hasn''t told his ex about you, you feel insecure and like he is not proud of you or that he is not telling her about you because to date his ex. your insecurity is perfectly natural, I think most people would feel some insecurity and jealousy if they were in your position. but please don''t read anything into it, he probably doesn''t think about her at all - and hey, he wants to marry you, remember?

I don''t think you have had a guy''s perspective on your fiance''s behaviour yet? so take it from me, guys just prefer it when things to just ''go away'' without them having to deal with any difficult emotional confrontation

the reason he doesn''t tell her about you is because he doesn''t want to get into any emotional situation that he can''t handle (which for most guys is pretty much any emotional situation...) he doesn''t want to upset her or make her mad, he just wants her to go away without hurting her feelings too much. I totally agree that he should have told her he is with you now, but don''t think that because he hasn''t means he wants her or anything, he is probably just afraid of an emotionally difficult situation and wants it to just go away without him having to do anything about it.

so I would advise you to understand that this is about you, not him, and work on your own self-esteem and insecurity. talk to your fiance, let him know how you feel, why you feel like that etc, I am sure he will want to help you in any way that he can. if it still really really bothers you, talk to your fiance about it, tell him how much it bothers you and ask him to tell her that he is getting married to you - if she ever tries to get in contact with him again.

[btw, I really don''t mean to sound harsh, I hope it doesn''t come across that way

]

 

[teebee]

Date: 2/27/2005 4

1:19 PM
Author: diamondgeezer


I don''t think you have had a guy''s perspective on your fiance''s behaviour yet? so take it from me, guys just prefer it when things to just ''go away'' without them having to deal with any difficult emotional confrontation

the reason he doesn''t tell her about you is because he doesn''t want to get into any emotional situation that he can''t handle (which for most guys is pretty much any emotional situation...) he doesn''t want to upset her or make her mad, he just wants her to go away without hurting her feelings too much. I totally agree that he should have told her he is with you now, but don''t think that because he hasn''t means he wants her or anything, he is probably just afraid of an emotionally difficult situation and wants it to just go away without him having to do anything about it.

Excellent point DG!! (BTW, where ya been???)

I think DG is right ~ he was really just hoping she would eventually forget about him and go away. And, considering there haven''t been any emails in 1.5 years, sounds like that is probably what has happened.

 

[cute330xigrl]

Date: 2/27/2005 7:14:32 PM
Author: teebee

Date: 2/27/2005 4

1:19 PM
Author: diamondgeezer


I don't think you have had a guy's perspective on your fiance's behaviour yet? so take it from me, guys just prefer it when things to just 'go away' without them having to deal with any difficult emotional confrontation

the reason he doesn't tell her about you is because he doesn't want to get into any emotional situation that he can't handle (which for most guys is pretty much any emotional situation...) he doesn't want to upset her or make her mad, he just wants her to go away without hurting her feelings too much. I totally agree that he should have told her he is with you now, but don't think that because he hasn't means he wants her or anything, he is probably just afraid of an emotionally difficult situation and wants it to just go away without him having to do anything about it.

Excellent point DG!! (BTW, where ya been???)

I think DG is right ~ he was really just hoping she would eventually forget about him and go away. And, considering there haven't been any emails in 1.5 years, sounds like that is probably what has happened.

exactly!

 

[blueroses]

Did anyone see "Scrubs" on Tuesday night?

Something very similar to this situation came up in Carla and Turk''s marriage: he had been talking to an ex-girlfriend and she was none-too-pleased about it. Finally she asked him to cut off contact, and he did. She was so happy and said something, like, see how easy that was, baby? What did you say? And he said I just told her I got married. Her response was like, WHAT?? All these months of talking to this person you used to sleep with and she didn''t even know you were married??!! Well it''s no big deal, honey. If you''re lucky, you won''t be married to me much longer. Out the door, SLAM.

I thought it was a perfect example of what we''ve been talking about here: He was just being a GUY and trying to take the avoidance-not saying ANYTHING, it will just go away-route, and as a result, he ended up devastating his wife and she felt totally disrespected. Anyway, thought it was timely.

 

[windy1365]

So... I''m not crazy. They even have shows on t.v. about it!! If he had just been honest in the first place, she would have went away a lot quicker, and I wouldn''t have gotten so upset. Guys can be so stupid!!

 

[blueroses]

How are you doing this week windy? Any progress looking into counselors, etc? Hope things are going better

 

[Kaleigh]

Windy,
How''s the counseling going.?? Hope you come to terms with the issues at hand. Better to deal with them now, so you can have a long lasting and happy marriage!! I wish you lots of luck!!!

 

[i_like_tiffany_please_dont_hate_me]

Date: 3/3/2005 9:44:13 PM
Author: windy1365

Guys can be so stupid!!

well duh!!!

lol

I hope you are feeling better about the whole thing