Can you predict break-ups before the wedding??

[megumic]

Did you ever predict from the outset that a couple would not make it?

I don''t mean this in a mean-spirited sort of way, but more of a what are the warning signs. Just curious how many others have noticed in advance that a couple was destined for doom, what the signs were that you saw before the nuptials, and how long the marriage lasted.

An acquaintance married her HS sweetheart at the regret of pretty much everyone she knew and ended up divorced within two years because of his chronic cheating. Everyone could see it, knew it, and told her. But she just couldn''t (or wouldn''t) until it was too late.

I suppose on the same note, have you ever predicted a doomed marriage that ended up lasting??

 

[jazzoboe]

Well, I suppose I have a current prediction, if that counts. A friend of my FI started dating a girl from another school their senior year of high school. They started dating just a couple of months before FI and I did. When graduation came around that couple both went to the same college, the same my FI went to, though I was already at a college elsewhere, so FI and the friend roomed together (for the first 3 years of college, so needless to say we saw and heard a lot about their relationship!). Frankly FI and I were really betting they wouldn''t make it through the first year of college. There was just general neediness and super controlling issues on her side, though they both have VERY strong personalities, so they argue constantly. About every little silly thing. Then there were some bigger issues that first year, like her talking to some other guy all the time and then telling her boyfriend how this other guy was better to talk to than him. I believe at one point she also freaked out that she might be pregnant even though they swore up and down they had not done anything. So... lying or psychotic? I don''t know. Either way, they somehow kept it together and about a year ago, he proposed to her. I''m not going to lie, I had a hard time saying congratulations because even though the girl is generally nice to me, I am apalled at how she treats him most of the time. She expects him to read her mind and drop everything to give her exactly what she wants. They are getting married in 2 months, and while I wish them all the best and hope that maybe they just somehow balance each other out, I honestly cannot understand how he puts up with everything from her, ESPECIALLY during the wedding planning process. I guess we''ll just see how it goes....

 

[lulu]

I''m pretty accurate. That''s what comes of divorcing people for so long.

 

[violet3]

I have not had this prediction, but i had at least two friends of mine who got married and divorced young, and in hindsight i should have known. I certainly would not have wished this on anyone, but looking back on it - had i known the things about thier relationships when they were GETTING married, that i knew after they got married, i would have known. I wish it was different.

On a really happy note, one is happily remarried with a little adoreable girl, and the other is engaged

both unions seem to be fantastic!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Two of my sisters got married within a year of each other. I thought one of the marriages would make at and the other wouldn''t. Turns out, I was completely wrong. The couple I thought would get divorced is still married (10 years now) and my other sister got divorced within a few years. She did remarry 5 years ago and I really thought they would make it...and she just served him papers last weekend. I am just bad at predicting these things.

The only other marriage I didn''t think would make it was obvious. The writing was on the wall for a long time...she even admitted to having a breakdown on her wedding night because she was afraid she''d made a mistake. He ended up cheating, being verbally abusive and she left after a couple of years. She''s now remarried and is having a baby. I am 100% convinced she is in a very strong marriage now...but I don''t want to jinx her with my bad predictions!

 

[FrekeChild]

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah.

Like one that happened a week ago. I bet it''ll last as long as he feels like being someone''s doormat. Known each other for less than a year, she''s totally miserable to everyone, everyone is against the marriage but he did it anyway. So he made his bed, now he has to lie in it.

There are plenty more where that came from...

 

[CatLady]

I am set to be a Maid of Honor for a wedding that I know will fail in September. I can''t believe my friend is going to force me speak in public for this. She was about to break up with him when he proposed. Figured she isn''t getting any younger. They have had sex one time since they got engaged last summer. When I asked her why, she said "Would *you* want to have sex with him?". Uhh no, but I''m not marrying him either. I keep thinking that the wedding will be called off, but so far they have been making all of the arrangements..

 

[Prana]

Oh man CatLady! That''s rough....

 

[onedrop]

A long time friend of mine married a guy several years ago despite the fact that most who know her warned against doing so. Her parents, on the day before her wedding asked whether she was sure about what she was doing. I can''t say I predicted the demise of the marriage, but I was not at all hopeful that things would work out. This friend and I have several mutual friends and all of the talk leading up to her wedding was about how *wrong* it was that she was marrying this guy. That is ALL people were talking about!! Despite all of the talk the wedding went off beautifully and I really thought I was wrong about the marriage. However, I was at an event for a mutual friend a few months after her wedding and learned that her husband had walked out on her. I can''t say I was surprised, but I was surprised that it had happened so fast. We (our mutual friends) never found out what caused him to walk out, but they did later reconcile. Fast forward to now and he''s left her twice since the first time, but they always reconcile (i.e., he begs her to come back) just before the one year separation period runs out. They have since reconciled for a FOURTH time, and recently had a baby. I really hope the fifth time is the charm for her, but I am still where I was they first got married. Wouldn''t be surprised if he left again. For her sake and their child''s sake I hope he remains committed, but I am not holding my breath.

The above story is one instance in which I thought for sure the marriage wouldn''t last, but clearly I was wrong...at least for now anyway.

 

[Haven]

The only marriage that I ever thought twice about was that of a friend of mine who gave her then-boyfriend a deadline for a proposal, and then an extension once he missed the original deadline. It was just really obvious that he wasn''t ready, and she was bullying him into marriage.

They separated during their first year of marriage.

 

[megumic]

Date: 5/1/2010 2:16:31 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah.


Like one that happened a week ago. I bet it''ll last as long as he feels like being someone''s doormat. Known each other for less than a year, she''s totally miserable to everyone, everyone is against the marriage but he did it anyway. So he made his bed, now he has to lie in it.


There are plenty more where that came from...

I can commiserate on this. What''s w/men being doormats sometimes? I mean, women do it too, don''t get me wrong. But it''s always interesting how it''s always a short relationship, quick engagement and BOOM wedding bells when everyone else is worried sick.

 

[RaiKai]

I have to say my spidey sense has been pretty accurate so far when it comes to sensing a couple is going to part ways at some point - be it before or after marriage. It has kicked in even where a couple has shown no major issues...it is just a vibe I get when I see how they relate to one another or the world. There is nothing glaring there but something underlying is *off*.

Maybe this comes from having "been there" a few times!?!

Sometimes they do last longer than expected or are still together...but longevity is not an automatic indicator of a happy or healthy union either as I can tell by talking to one or both of them!

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/3/2010 9:12:43 AM
Author: RaiKai
I have to say my spidey sense has been pretty accurate so far when it comes to sensing a couple is going to part ways at some point - be it before or after marriage. It has kicked in even where a couple has shown no major issues...it is just a vibe I get when I see how they relate to one another or the world. There is nothing glaring there but something underlying is *off*.

Maybe this comes from having ''been there'' a few times!?!

Sometimes they do last longer than expected or are still together...but longevity is not an automatic indicator of a happy or healthy union either as I can tell by talking to one or both of them!

Exactly!

One of my husband''s best friends just broke off his engagement a couple of weeks ago. He''s been dating this girl on and off for 6 years (their most recent "off" period was like October/November of last yr .. they got engaged New Years), their relationships is FULL of drama, and none of his friends like her. We all saw this coming from a mile away. Unfortunately, they''ll probably be back together in a few months ..

 

[sunnyd]

I have 2 cases where I think it''ll fail. The first is my ex-BF, who constantly talks trash about his FI and has wanted to break up with her since they got together but is too lazy to do it.

Now that all of his buddies are married and having kids, he needs to keep up!

The other is the sickening case of DH''s friend. His FI likes (or needs?) to write about how happy she is about 876 times a day on FB. If you''re living your relationship on FB and need everyone to know how great it is, you have issues. He''s completely losing himself with her. Ick.

 

[jazzoboe]

Haha, the fiance of my FI''s friend that I was talking about is the same way. I am constantly seeing fb status updates, comments and messages to her FI that are are so over-the-top sweet and lovey-dovey and making sure EVERYONE knows that they are getting married, I just roll my eyes every time, mostly because the things she writes there are so far off from the way she talks to him in real life. Another girl I know who is not yet engaged, but living with her boyfriend of less than a year (who is quite a bit older than her- she is 21) constantly posts statuses starting with "Reasons my boyfriend is better than yours." Sometimes it takes a lot of self-control to keep from commenting to point out that he is, in fact, not. But I try not to let myself get sucked down to their level.

 

[charbie]

sometimes i think i can.

i had friends who recently called off their engagement. i could tell if they did get married, it probably would have been a disaster. sadly, they were our "couple" friend- so DH and i hung out with them together all the time! grr.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 5/3/2010 3:17:34 PM
Author: jazzoboe
Haha, the fiance of my FI''s friend that I was talking about is the same way. I am constantly seeing fb status updates, comments and messages to her FI that are are so over-the-top sweet and lovey-dovey and making sure EVERYONE knows that they are getting married, I just roll my eyes every time, mostly because the things she writes there are so far off from the way she talks to him in real life. Another girl I know who is not yet engaged, but living with her boyfriend of less than a year (who is quite a bit older than her- she is 21) constantly posts statuses starting with ''Reasons my boyfriend is better than yours.'' Sometimes it takes a lot of self-control to keep from commenting to point out that he is, in fact, not. But I try not to let myself get sucked down to their level.

Ha! She calls him hubby now. My hubby this, my hubby that. She''s a teacher and she got her class to call her Mrs. FI''s Last Name. Ummm you''re not married, and you won''t be teaching these kids by the time you are! Drives me nuts.

 

[Clio]

In the case of my friend who married her boyfriend of 3 months during our senior year of high school, oh yeah.

In general, though, I''m not very good at it. The one couple that I always thought was the most loving and respectful of each other got divorced when the husband announced - when their second child was an infant - that he had met someone else and was leaving.

My parents were the couple that no one thought would last. The day before their wedding, my grandmother assured my mother that she still had time to call it off. Instead, they just celebrated their 38th anniversary and are quite happy.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/3/2010 3:17:34 PM
Author: jazzoboe
Haha, the fiance of my FI''s friend that I was talking about is the same way. I am constantly seeing fb status updates, comments and messages to her FI that are are so over-the-top sweet and lovey-dovey and making sure EVERYONE knows that they are getting married, I just roll my eyes every time, mostly because the things she writes there are so far off from the way she talks to him in real life. Another girl I know who is not yet engaged, but living with her boyfriend of less than a year (who is quite a bit older than her- she is 21) constantly posts statuses starting with ''Reasons my boyfriend is better than yours.'' Sometimes it takes a lot of self-control to keep from commenting to point out that he is, in fact, not. But I try not to let myself get sucked down to their level.

Are you serious?

Wow.

 

[Black Jade]

Surprising amount of the time, yes.
But people don''t listen when you tell you them this so I have learned to shut up.
If you keep quiet, when it does break up, your friend is still speaking to you and you can support her. And I have NEVER known anyone to stop a wedding because their friend (or even ALL their friends, their parents and everyone else they know) tells them that their SO is not exactly what they are thinking they are. People do not take advice well when hormones are raging (or even when, as happens a surprising amount of the time, their hormones are NOT raging, but they think this is their last/only chance to marry, for whatever reason).

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 5/2/2010 4:20:32 PM
Author: CatLady
I am set to be a Maid of Honor for a wedding that I know will fail in September. I can''t believe my friend is going to force me speak in public for this. She was about to break up with him when he proposed. Figured she isn''t getting any younger. They have had sex one time since they got engaged last summer. When I asked her why, she said ''Would *you* want to have sex with him?''. Uhh no, but I''m not marrying him either. I keep thinking that the wedding will be called off, but so far they have been making all of the arrangements..

wow! appalling! I don''t even know what to say about this - the comment about no one reasonably wanting to have sex with her fiance has left me speechless...

 

[megumic]

Date: 5/3/2010 10:57:48 PM
Author: Maevie

Date: 5/2/2010 4:20:32 PM

Author: CatLady

I am set to be a Maid of Honor for a wedding that I know will fail in September. I can''t believe my friend is going to force me speak in public for this. She was about to break up with him when he proposed. Figured she isn''t getting any younger. They have had sex one time since they got engaged last summer. When I asked her why, she said ''Would *you* want to have sex with him?''. Uhh no, but I''m not marrying him either. I keep thinking that the wedding will be called off, but so far they have been making all of the arrangements..

wow! appalling! I don''t even know what to say about this - the comment about no one reasonably wanting to have sex with her fiance has left me speechless...

I second this. Ridiculously crazy the more I think about it.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

My radar for failure has dramatically improved with age (or is it wisdom?)

When I was in college, one of my best friends ran off to Vegas to marry a guy that she had been dating for THREE weeks! Most of us hadn''t even met him! Of course, I figured that marriage was doomed. They didn''t know each other, what if he found out about (insert whatever stupid prank here)? or if she didn''t like his mom? The list was long of all the things that were stacked against them and yet, now 13 years later, they are still married and have to wonderful kids and it turns out that he does know everything and she does dislike his mom, but they love each other more than any of that.

Now, however, I can spot them for miles. DH and I visited a friend of his and his wife of two years when we had only been dating a few months. This woman was a complete crazy. I told DH on the way home that I couldn''t believe someone as nice as his friend was married to that woman and I predicted that they wouldn''t make it more than five years. It only took two years for her to completely ruin his life and leave.

Most recently, we attended a wedding of another common friend and again, I give the couple 2-3 years tops. I think the bride in that case does as well because she is trying like mad to have a baby...to the detriment of everything else.

 

[CatLady]

I think that not having a desire to have sex with the person you are marrying is a pretty huge red flag.

I''m sure that my friends knew that my engagement wasn''t going to end well too. We went out with three other couples a few months before we broke up and one of my friends later told me that I was totally mean mugging my ex the entire time. I was rolling my eyes at his jokes and snapping at him about dumb stuff.

I have another wedding to go to in June that I don''t think is going to last. It''s a girl I work with, and her fiance travels quite a bit for work and she has slept with a few other guys. Also, she smokes and he doesn''t know about it (he has no sense of smell). She hides her cigarettes in a tampon box in her car and says that he would break up with her if he knew about it. It''s not like she is just a social smoker either.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I would never make a judgement about whether or not a marriage will last since some of our bridesmaids did exactly that to us on our wedding day (behind our backs of course

). When I found out the things they had done and said, I vowed from that point on to never judge someone's union; if they are happy who am i to judge ya know? Plus I remember how awful it made BOTH of us feel when we found out, not a fun feeling indeed.

eta: I know there are sometimes extremely red flags such as abuse or lack of attraction but i guess i personally have never come across this. If I had a friend who was getting abused I would of course encourage her to find help. Or him, it can go both ways. I'm just a little testy on situations like this still I guess.

 

[Laila619]

Yep, I think you can usually tell when something isn''t quite right with a couple.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Date: 5/2/2010 9:59:15 PM
Author: Haven
The only marriage that I ever thought twice about was that of a friend of mine who gave her then-boyfriend a deadline for a proposal, and then an extension once he missed the original deadline. It was just really obvious that he wasn''t ready, and she was bullying him into marriage.

They separated during their first year of marriage.

I have 2 friends that bullied their boyfriends into proposing. They were both controlling types of girls with weaker "yes, m''am" type of guys, so they always got their way. They were also the type of couple to get into an arguement in front of a group, and make people uncomfortable. I predicted that both of these friends would be divorced by now, but both couples are still going strong, going on 10 and 8 years of marriage.

I had another friend who is the sweetest person in the world, she''d make the perfect kindergarten teacher. Her husband was a med student, and also the sweet, quiet type. I knew both of them during their undergrad years, and was invited to their wedding a few years later after they''d finished graduate degrees (she became a dentist, he a doctor). I found out they were divorced after a year of marriage, and it''s a hush hush situation, no one talked about the reason. I think it may have been a clash of careers comsuming too much of their time or something. To this day I thought they''d made the perfect match..

I guess I suck at predicting these things, or these people are just so beyond the norm....

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Me? no, but my marriage has lead to some speculation. My side of the family thinks we are rock solid, as do we. His side of the family is just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for me to be so horrible that it drives him away any day now.
People so rarely guess right about my family. Both my grandma and her sister''s marriages did not last but everyone knew they would. My aunt''s married to a guy who was so drunk the day of they were not sure he could stand for it, have been together for almost 30 years. My mother''s first marriage seemed rock solid, except for him with another woman. Everyone knew my dad and his first wife would not stay married, but no one could have predicted it lasted eleven years. And no one thought my parents would last, and they are at 26 years.

I knew my bro and his gf would never last, so that is something.

 

[princesss]

Date: 5/5/2010 10:10:51 AM
Author: Laila619
Yep, I think you can usually tell when something isn''t quite right with a couple.

yup. I read somewhere that the couple''s friends and family are a much more accurate indicator of a couple''s lasting success than the couple themselves. I thought that was really interesting.

 

[AGBF]

Hmmm...a male friend of mine who saw me rush into marriage with a European said, "You know he''s only marrying you for a green card, don''t you?" When he visited me about 16 years into my marriage I reminded him

of that remark. Now, after 33 years of marriage, I feel like looking him up and asking him if he remembers that he thought it wouldn''t last!

AGBF