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Can you predict break-ups before the wedding??

Tigarlily1

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I can't know for sure but two friends that are getting married I am seriously concerned about. She is 22 and he is 31. That's a big age difference but it seems like a HUGE difference when you take into account that he is her first boyfriend ever, and she is immature to the point she constantly speaks in a baby voice, whines his name, throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get her way and makes him cut up her meat. Since the engagement she seems totally focused on the wedding (not the marriage) which I think is a huge red flag. Plus even tho she acts like a baby she wants to have babies... soon. I'm worried.
 

luckynumber

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Date: 5/11/2010 12:24:33 PM
Author: Tigarlily1
I can''t know for sure but two friends that are getting married I am seriously concerned about. She is 22 and he is 31. That''s a big age difference but it seems like a HUGE difference when you take into account that he is her first boyfriend ever, and she is immature to the point she constantly speaks in a baby voice, whines his name, throws temper tantrums when she doesn''t get her way and makes him cut up her meat. Since the engagement she seems totally focused on the wedding (not the marriage) which I think is a huge red flag. Plus even tho she acts like a baby she wants to have babies... soon. I''m worried.
oy vey.

that doesn''t sound too good
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lilyfoot

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Date: 5/11/2010 12:24:33 PM
Author: Tigarlily1
I can''t know for sure but two friends that are getting married I am seriously concerned about. She is 22 and he is 31. That''s a big age difference but it seems like a HUGE difference when you take into account that he is her first boyfriend ever, and she is immature to the point she constantly speaks in a baby voice, whines his name, throws temper tantrums when she doesn''t get her way and makes him cut up her meat. Since the engagement she seems totally focused on the wedding (not the marriage) which I think is a huge red flag. Plus even tho she acts like a baby she wants to have babies... soon. I''m worried.
Are you serious?! Wow
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lilyfoot

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Date: 5/4/2010 8:32:26 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
I would never make a judgement about whether or not a marriage will last since some of our bridesmaids did exactly that to us on our wedding day (behind our backs of course
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). When I found out the things they had done and said, I vowed from that point on to never judge someone''s union; if they are happy who am i to judge ya know? Plus I remember how awful it made BOTH of us feel when we found out, not a fun feeling indeed.

eta: I know there are sometimes extremely red flags such as abuse or lack of attraction but i guess i personally have never come across this. If I had a friend who was getting abused I would of course encourage her to find help. Or him, it can go both ways. I''m just a little testy on situations like this still I guess.
Smurfy, I''m sorry that happened to you. Do you still speak with the people who made these remarks?
 

Black Jade

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Some things I notice that tend not to work--

Known each other some incredibly short amount of time and clearly know nothing about each other--yet saying things like "I know we were meant for each other, from the moment I looked into his eyes, I just KNEW."

Not having a bunch of common interests can be okay (me and my husband don''t have many), but one or the other is PRETENDING to be interested in the things the other likes (usually, sad to say, the woman).

That "I don''t want to have to have sex with him" thing is very bad, but equally bad (and much more common) is "I really really want to have sex with them even though I like absolutely nothing else about them."

The desperation thing that I mentioned above. Where someone would clearly never have considered the person before they got to some age where they feel they ''should'' be married. This happens to men sometimes but is amazingly common among women, the date when it happens depends on the circles you run in--sadly, I have seen where women felt they had to get to married to anybody, just anybody because of family and social expectations and are still in their 20''s. Yes, this does indeed happen still in 2010.

The ''marriage is a magic spell'' thing. That frog is going to become a prince (or princess). Love will make them stop smoking, drinking, drugging, beating you up, whatever, fill in the blanks yourself.

This one is a second marriage thing that I see more and more. Fiance/fiancee just HATES their SO''s kids--who are going to live with them. sometimes the hatred is understandable--kids of divorce can be seriously obnoxious (and sometimes they remain so). but starting off a marriage hating people who are very important to your spouse is not a good way to start off and not a good sign for the future. Sometimes they do work through this--but very often not.

Oh--I forgot a biggie. the one where you meet having an affair but one or both of you is already married and you get divorced to marry each other. Quite often when this happens, this is a moot point, as the people having an affair then do not marry each other after all. But when they DO marry, there are danger signs all over--if they divorced their spouse to marry you, are you really safe? (And I''ve seen it happen where actually the person WAS--the divorced spouse really was ''in love'' with them)--but the trust was just not ever there and they broke apart.
 

princesss

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Black Jade, I agree with a lot of the examples you gave, and will add another (though it''s similar to your desperation point):

When one partner is clearly getting married because "that''s what you''re supposed to do..." A guy in my office is getting married this summer and proposed essentially because his family was pressuring him to settle down and he thinks that''s just what you''re supposed to do when you''re in your 30s. So he proposed to his GF, she''s planning the wedding and seems really excited, and he....doesn''t. (Actually, he''s actively pursuing another woman, but that''s a story for another day.) Everybody that has actually talked to him knows that it''s going to be a disaster, and a few people have told him this, but it doesn''t matter. In his head, he asked her, so he needs to follow through. I feel really bad for his FI - she''s a really sweet woman and deserves much better than this guy.
 

stepcutgirl

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The day of my best friends wedding, as we were getting dressed, she turned to me and said "I''m making a huge mistake", I responded "yes, you are. Walk away, none of us will think any less of you, in fact i think every one who came all this way (destination wedding) would be proud of you" her "it''s all paid for, I have to" me "please don''t" and then she walked out and went on her way to get married. That was 4 years ago and they are the most miserable couple I have ever met. They will get divorced then when is what''s in question.
 

lilyfoot

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Date: 5/11/2010 7:37:10 PM
Author: stepcutgirl
The day of my best friends wedding, as we were getting dressed, she turned to me and said ''I''m making a huge mistake'', I responded ''yes, you are. Walk away, none of us will think any less of you, in fact i think every one who came all this way (destination wedding) would be proud of you'' her ''it''s all paid for, I have to'' me ''please don''t'' and then she walked out and went on her way to get married. That was 4 years ago and they are the most miserable couple I have ever met. They will get divorced then when is what''s in question.
Wow!
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Tigarlily1

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Date: 5/11/2010 3:57:53 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 5/11/2010 12:24:33 PM
Author: Tigarlily1
I can''t know for sure but two friends that are getting married I am seriously concerned about. She is 22 and he is 31. That''s a big age difference but it seems like a HUGE difference when you take into account that he is her first boyfriend ever, and she is immature to the point she constantly speaks in a baby voice, whines his name, throws temper tantrums when she doesn''t get her way and makes him cut up her meat. Since the engagement she seems totally focused on the wedding (not the marriage) which I think is a huge red flag. Plus even tho she acts like a baby she wants to have babies... soon. I''m worried.
Are you serious?! Wow
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Yep happened when we were out to dinner with them.
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PumpkinPie

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Date: 5/12/2010 9:53:40 AM
Author: Tigarlily1
Date: 5/11/2010 3:57:53 PM

Author: lilyfoot


Date: 5/11/2010 12:24:33 PM

Author: Tigarlily1

I can''t know for sure but two friends that are getting married I am seriously concerned about. She is 22 and he is 31. That''s a big age difference but it seems like a HUGE difference when you take into account that he is her first boyfriend ever, and she is immature to the point she constantly speaks in a baby voice, whines his name, throws temper tantrums when she doesn''t get her way and makes him cut up her meat. Since the engagement she seems totally focused on the wedding (not the marriage) which I think is a huge red flag. Plus even tho she acts like a baby she wants to have babies... soon. I''m worried.

Are you serious?! Wow
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Yep happened when we were out to dinner with them.
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in PUBLIC!! I do not know what to say...
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PumpkinPie

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Date: 5/11/2010 7:37:10 PM
Author: stepcutgirl
The day of my best friends wedding, as we were getting dressed, she turned to me and said ''I''m making a huge mistake'', I responded ''yes, you are. Walk away, none of us will think any less of you, in fact i think every one who came all this way (destination wedding) would be proud of you'' her ''it''s all paid for, I have to'' me ''please don''t'' and then she walked out and went on her way to get married. That was 4 years ago and they are the most miserable couple I have ever met. They will get divorced then when is what''s in question.

that`s a very sad situation stepcutgirl. I wish she had listened to you
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stepcutgirl

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Date: 5/13/2010 11:49:52 PM
Author: Maevie
Date: 5/11/2010 7:37:10 PM

Author: stepcutgirl

The day of my best friends wedding, as we were getting dressed, she turned to me and said ''I''m making a huge mistake'', I responded ''yes, you are. Walk away, none of us will think any less of you, in fact i think every one who came all this way (destination wedding) would be proud of you'' her ''it''s all paid for, I have to'' me ''please don''t'' and then she walked out and went on her way to get married. That was 4 years ago and they are the most miserable couple I have ever met. They will get divorced then when is what''s in question.


that`s a very sad situation stepcutgirl. I wish she had listened to you
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Me and every single person who was there for her. He is a monster. I''d love to list all the terrible things he has done but all it would do raise everyones blood pressure and upset me.
 

PumpkinPie

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Date: 5/14/2010 2:27:13 PM
Author: stepcutgirl
Date: 5/13/2010 11:49:52 PM

Author: Maevie

Date: 5/11/2010 7:37:10 PM


Author: stepcutgirl


The day of my best friends wedding, as we were getting dressed, she turned to me and said ''I''m making a huge mistake'', I responded ''yes, you are. Walk away, none of us will think any less of you, in fact i think every one who came all this way (destination wedding) would be proud of you'' her ''it''s all paid for, I have to'' me ''please don''t'' and then she walked out and went on her way to get married. That was 4 years ago and they are the most miserable couple I have ever met. They will get divorced then when is what''s in question.



that`s a very sad situation stepcutgirl. I wish she had listened to you
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Me and every single person who was there for her. He is a monster. I''d love to list all the terrible things he has done but all it would do raise everyones blood pressure and upset me.

that sounds terrible - definitely not worth raising your blood pressure or upsetting you! I hope that she still has you as a wonderful support when she realises that getting out would be best for her.
 

stepcutgirl

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Date: 5/14/2010 6:25:11 PM
Author: Maevie
Date: 5/14/2010 2:27:13 PM

Author: stepcutgirl

Date: 5/13/2010 11:49:52 PM


Author: Maevie


Date: 5/11/2010 7:37:10 PM



Author: stepcutgirl



The day of my best friends wedding, as we were getting dressed, she turned to me and said ''I''m making a huge mistake'', I responded ''yes, you are. Walk away, none of us will think any less of you, in fact i think every one who came all this way (destination wedding) would be proud of you'' her ''it''s all paid for, I have to'' me ''please don''t'' and then she walked out and went on her way to get married. That was 4 years ago and they are the most miserable couple I have ever met. They will get divorced then when is what''s in question.




that`s a very sad situation stepcutgirl. I wish she had listened to you
7.gif


Me and every single person who was there for her. He is a monster. I''d love to list all the terrible things he has done but all it would do raise everyones blood pressure and upset me.


that sounds terrible - definitely not worth raising your blood pressure or upsetting you! I hope that she still has you as a wonderful support when she realises that getting out would be best for her.
I hope so too. It''s been a hard four years. I''ve maybe seen her 6 times in the four years and she makes plans with me every couple months but then stands me up or flakes out at the last minute. I''ve been quite conflicted with deciding to include her in my bridal party or not because I fear she will say yes and then leave me hanging. Just Tuesday when I told her I was getting married in January she seemed so excited said she wants to be a part of it, etc, well we were both at work so we couldn''t really talk so I asked if she wanted to do lunch today. She said yes and we set a time and place. I was driving there and text her to let her know, no text back till I had been sitting there for 15 minutes, "I''m at the doc with (babys name)" so I asked what had happened and was he ok, she said he was fine it was his regular check up! No I''m sorry, no lets reschedule no nothing. I said "ok, I guess i''ll leave, I''m at the restaurant" she never responded. This is fairly typical. I''m not sure why I just typed that all out, I guess I''m just feeling a little sorry for myself in the relationship yet am scared to confront it. Sorry to thread jack.
 

NakedFinger

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Joined
Jan 8, 2009
Messages
690
I have a funny (well divorce isnt funny, but it was definitely ironic) situation that wasnt even about a specific couple, just an observation.

My FI and I had 2 weddings a month apart that we went to the same year (it was about 4 years ago). We were sitting at dinner and he made a comment..."dont they say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce?" and I said "yeah". And he goes "So does that mean one of these two marriages is going to end in divorce?" I laughed and said NO!

Well....turns out one has lasted, and the other ended in divorce less than a year in.

On another note, and this time more "couple specific". I have a friend that basically said, "i am meeting my husband this year and set her wedding date in her head. She met a guy a few weeks later, and they started talking about getting married a month in. Now, after less than a year they are engaged having never lived together, or spend periods of time together (they see each other only on weekends at their parents houses, and he travels a lot for work). Who knows, it might last, but I fear that this could have been him, or ANYONE ELSE and she''d still be getting married right now because she had it set in her mind she was getting engaged before 30 which is sad.
 

MissMina

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Messages
734
No one thought my parents marriage would last
They were 19 and 20
One was Catholic the other agnostic
One came from a large poor family
the other from a small financially comfortable family
They had known each other for two months
Mom was pregnant
It wasn''t easy. Dad worked as a door to door salesman and graduated
college when I was seven
They had their ups and downs. Dad once started to leave but stayed because
he didn''t have any clean shirts
They had been married 64 years when he passed away at 84
 

AGBF

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Date: 5/11/2010 4:35:15 PM
Author: Black Jade

Some things I notice that tend not to work--

(snippage)

Oh--I forgot a biggie. the one where you meet having an affair but one or both of you is already married and you get divorced to marry each other. Quite often when this happens, this is a moot point, as the people having an affair then do not marry each other after all. But when they DO marry, there are danger signs all over--if they divorced their spouse to marry you, are you really safe? (And I''ve seen it happen where actually the person WAS--the divorced spouse really was ''in love'' with them)--but the trust was just not ever there and they broke apart.
This topic really fascinates me and has for a long time. I think it definitely deserves some space of its own, but not in the Newlyweds forum! Maybe in Hangout?

AGBF
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Clairitek

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One of my close girlfriends was once engaged to this total jerk. He was a complete Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. He appeared to worship the ground she walked on when they were around others and then would scream at her, throw things, throw total temper tantrums when they were alone. Things got worse at times than what I''ve spelled out, but I don''t want to get into too much detail. She would tell me about these instances at first but as their relationship went along the stories stopped. I figured the issues had stopped too! The got engaged and I was going to be in their wedding. I got a phone call telling me the wedding was off and that she would never date him again but would try to remain friends (Why? They were never friends to start...). Then 2.5 months later they were back together with a promise not to get reengaged for at least a year. A month after that they were reengaged and I had received a promotion to the Maid of Honor (because I think the original one had drifted away). Then 5.5 months after that they were split up again. I had always worried about the somewhat abusive behavior on his part but since she seemed happy, I didn''t bring it up. Had they actually gotten married I don''t think it would have lasted a year or two. Clearly she knew that too or else she would not have broken it off the second time. 5 weeks after breaking off the second engagement she met my male best friend at my wedding. They got married 3.5 months later and are very happy and very well suited for each other. I have no doubts about the longevity of their relationship (I''ve known them for a combined 16 years) and I''m happy that she has kicked that previous guy to the curb forever.
 

tberube

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I think it's in human nature for a person to judge other people's marriages and weddings by your own standard. I know quite a few women who were in such a rush to get married in order to compete with their cousin/sister/brother/best friend, or they couldn't wait to have kids and finding a man was merely a means to that end, or in order to have their super-expensive "look-at-ME" dream wedding/"it's bigger than YOURS" diamond ring, or just to prove to those around them that their relationship is going to "last forever." It's easy to surmise what's going on in someone else's brain, and shake our heads at them while successfully predicting the downfall of their marriage. I do it all too often...this guy cheats, that woman is a life-sucking piranha, they fight all the time, etc. Every once in a while, though....I do wonder who is looking down their nose at MY marriage? Heh.
 

RhubarbPie

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I predicted this would happen with a family friend (and it did). She was married before and it failed, and when she got into this new relationship (with another good family of ours...just to complicate it further) it looked like the same dysfunctional relationship as before just with a much older and much wealthier man. It actually lasted for 10 (brutal) years and they just finalized their divorce a few months ago. She actually got his mother's OEC as her engagement ring and its probably 3 carats+. Its really beautiful (but its sitting in her bank vault, so...). However I would trade all the diamonds in the world to be in a loving relationship with my SO. So I don't envy her. Its no fun to have tons of diamonds and jewelry and Louis Vuitton bags when you don't have anyone to share it with.
 

Pushin40

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Yeah, I can. You can just tell sometimes.

I don't think its 'judging" and I certainly wouldnt shoot my mouth off about any of my predictions. But I have known a few where I had my doubts...

What's worse is that couple that you KNOW will work out, then boom..all of a sudden it's over. And its a shocker. :nono:
 

MommaChristine

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Messages
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I wanted to chime in from a different perspective. I was one of those brides where everyone (including me) knew it wouldn't last but went through with it anyways. I think a lot of problems come up when the brides are too proud or too embarrassed to call it quits, especially with a wedding planned and paid for. My ex-husband was a chronic liar and cheater and I was convinced that I could fix him. Admittedly as the wedding approached I knew he'd never change, so I instead hung to whatever hope I could. Our marriage lasted a whopping 3 months and I kick myself daily for being so hard-headed and stubborn BUT it's a life lesson that I needed to learn and therefor I am partially glad that I learned it for myself instead of listening to everyone else. Granted, my life would have been easier if I had simply had the courage to walk away, but for me trying to stick it out and prove to everyone else that I could was more important - even if I did prove everyone right in the end. I had many friends who thought that I would just "be miserable for the rest of my life", so keep supporting your friends no matter what, because it helps a great deal. I hope that all of the brides and girlfriend's mentioned here do eventually make the right decision, because I know first hand just how hard it is!!
 

Haven

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I agree with a lot of the obvious red flags described in this thread.

However, I think that you never really know what is really going on in a relationship. Sometimes, it's obvious and there are big, glaring red flags. Sometimes, people appear to be super happy and the truth is that they're miserable. Sometimes, people appear to be wrong for each other, but they're in fact extremely happy and remain that way for the rest of their lives.

I thought of this thread while having a discussion with someone about this topic. I find the whole topic very interesting, that you just never know what goes on behind closed doors. We ended up talking about how it's a shame that we rarely really see how couples really relate to each other, and get along, and resolve conflicts. I think it would be a healthy thing to be exposed to real couples and the real ways they get along.
 

megumic

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Brilliant Haven! Real World Married Couples!!! Wouldn't that be a great reality show -- to have newlyweds living with other newlyweds and seeing how it plays out. I'm actually shocked this hasn't been done yet...or has it?
 

Haven

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megumic said:
Brilliant Haven! Real World Married Couples!!! Wouldn't that be a great reality show -- to have newlyweds living with other newlyweds and seeing how it plays out. I'm actually shocked this hasn't been done yet...or has it?
Ooh yes! Or just a really honest reality show that is based in real people's homes and follows their day-to-day lives.
Wait . . . that would be so boring, wouldn't it? The network would be too tempted to throw in some hot diversion to stir the pot and that would just ruin the reality element of it.

I saw a long show about Dr. John Gottman's marriage research once. They recorded and analyzed conversations between couples about recurring issues that they deal with in their marriage. They showed Dr. Gottman evaluating what they were doing and how they were responding to each other, and that was super interesting. I'd love to see more of that.
 

Dreamer_D

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I don't know about my own accuracy, but there it is possible to predict divorce with pretty high accuracy based on a few things:

1. Steep declines in happiness in the first 2 years. Early exiters (divorce in the first 6 years) start out less happy in the newlywed phase and just keep getting less happy, whereas later exiters (divorce after 6 years marriage) tend to have started out happier than other groups in the newlywed phase, but happiness declines rapidly to average at 2 years then continues to decline.

2. Being less satisfied on average at marriage. Most relationships that end in divorce started off less happy and satisfied than did marriages that lasted.

3. High levels of negativity in the marriage. Contempt, hostility, defensiveness and all those lovely bad behaviours.
 

Dreamer_D

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Haven said:
megumic said:
Brilliant Haven! Real World Married Couples!!! Wouldn't that be a great reality show -- to have newlyweds living with other newlyweds and seeing how it plays out. I'm actually shocked this hasn't been done yet...or has it?
Ooh yes! Or just a really honest reality show that is based in real people's homes and follows their day-to-day lives.
Wait . . . that would be so boring, wouldn't it? The network would be too tempted to throw in some hot diversion to stir the pot and that would just ruin the reality element of it.

I saw a long show about Dr. John Gottman's marriage research once. They recorded and analyzed conversations between couples about recurring issues that they deal with in their marriage. They showed Dr. Gottman evaluating what they were doing and how they were responding to each other, and that was super interesting. I'd love to see more of that.

Along these lines, I think the best way to get a feel for a couple's relationship is to be a house guest with them for a week ;)) Or have them be your house guests. We have had this with a few friends for various reasons and boy oh boy you learn a lot!

Haven, I show a Gottman video in my relationships class, it is always a big hit.
 

Haven

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Dreamer--Very interesting information.

And I agree with your point about house guests. That is definitely an eye opener. Traveling with another couple is pretty revealing, as well, especially if you share a room with them.

I still think that many people are very good at putting on a happy face in public, or on the other hand, they act up in public yet stay mellow behind closed doors.
 

gwendolyn

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MommaChristine said:
I wanted to chime in from a different perspective. I was one of those brides where everyone (including me) knew it wouldn't last but went through with it anyways. I think a lot of problems come up when the brides are too proud or too embarrassed to call it quits, especially with a wedding planned and paid for. My ex-husband was a chronic liar and cheater and I was convinced that I could fix him. Admittedly as the wedding approached I knew he'd never change, so I instead hung to whatever hope I could. Our marriage lasted a whopping 3 months and I kick myself daily for being so hard-headed and stubborn BUT it's a life lesson that I needed to learn and therefor I am partially glad that I learned it for myself instead of listening to everyone else. Granted, my life would have been easier if I had simply had the courage to walk away, but for me trying to stick it out and prove to everyone else that I could was more important - even if I did prove everyone right in the end. I had many friends who thought that I would just "be miserable for the rest of my life", so keep supporting your friends no matter what, because it helps a great deal. I hope that all of the brides and girlfriend's mentioned here do eventually make the right decision, because I know first hand just how hard it is!!
Hello there, MommaChristine. l just wanted to say thank you for your post, as l'm sure it's not easy to look back on that time and bravely share it with strangers to offer another perspective. l hope you are much happier now. :))
 

gwendolyn

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Generally, l think l'm pretty rubbish at guessing how well a couple will do. l haven't had any couples that seem great together break up yet, but there are a couple that l thought for *sure* wouldn't last and so far, they're still together.

The main one that's surprised me would have to be an old 'friend' we'll call Sasha, who started dating her then boyfriend when we were in high school (let's call him Paul), when she was 15 and he was 17. Sasha was a serial cheater even then. They stayed together for 10 years of dating, with her telling me constantly how she should just break up with him, but she never did. He knew about her cheating, and it upset him but he never did anything about it. He proposed sometime after they'd been dating for 10 years, and her answer was that she'd think about it. She told me he'd proposed, and when she asked what l thought she should do, l said no WAY should she accept. But after a week of making him wriggle, she did accept, and she asked me to be in the bridal party. Then, while they were engaged, l saw her slide her engagement ring off her finger to chat guys up so she could continue her affairs. l was disgusted, said as much, and walked off when she did it in front of me and laughed it off like it was no big deal. Sasha then told Paul about the other men she'd had since the last time he found out (seemed to be every other year or so he would be caught up on what she'd been doing). Even still, he wanted to go ahead and marry her.

They were married about 7 years ago, and are still together today. Since Paul was always tolerant (as in, he didn't leave her) of her cheating, it shouldn't really surprise me that they're still together...but it does. Probably some part of me is hoping Paul eventually puts his foot down and stops putting up with her crap. He's such a sweet guy, and it tears my heart when they're out somewhere and she's flirting with guys in front of his face. :(sad
 
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